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1
00:00:00,261 --> 00:00:03,587
(Adult Adam) In the '80s, a defining
moment for every teenage boy
2
00:00:03,588 --> 00:00:05,271
was seeing "The Karate Kid."
3
00:00:05,272 --> 00:00:08,098
It kicked and punched and sweptthe leg of our hearts.
4
00:00:08,099 --> 00:00:10,901
No one loved it morethan my brother Barry.
5
00:00:10,969 --> 00:00:12,536
(Gong resounds)
6
00:00:12,603 --> 00:00:14,037
(Growls)
7
00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:16,640
Come at me!
8
00:00:16,707 --> 00:00:18,841
High block! Cobra strike!
(Panting)
9
00:00:18,909 --> 00:00:21,297
Fake left, go right!
Ninja roll!
10
00:00:21,298 --> 00:00:23,873
(Kicks table)
Ahh! It's okay. I'm okay.
11
00:00:24,095 --> 00:00:25,998
Now throw a chop!
(Karate yell)
12
00:00:25,999 --> 00:00:29,793
I block that chop! I retaliate!
High kick! Fist of fury!
13
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:30,911
(Rhythmic panting)
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
14
00:00:30,912 --> 00:00:32,871
- Death blow!
- Aah!
15
00:00:32,872 --> 00:00:34,464
Hmm, you know,
I was thinking...
16
00:00:34,465 --> 00:00:36,557
It might be better if you didn't
call out your moves first.
17
00:00:36,558 --> 00:00:37,853
That's a great idea.
18
00:00:37,854 --> 00:00:39,190
- Sneak attack!
- Aah!
19
00:00:39,191 --> 00:00:41,381
Sure, my big bro hadan inflated sense of skill,
20
00:00:41,382 --> 00:00:44,384
but in my house, my mother wasthe one who did the inflating.
21
00:00:44,385 --> 00:00:46,633
She wore something we called"Mom Goggles."
22
00:00:46,634 --> 00:00:49,837
They made everything we didnot just good, but spectacular.
23
00:00:49,838 --> 00:00:52,792
Oh, look at you,
my little kung fu master!
24
00:00:52,793 --> 00:00:54,720
- (Adam groaning) Aah!
- It's not kung fu. Stop!
25
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,423
- I do kara-te.
- Bilingual and dangerous?
26
00:00:57,424 --> 00:00:59,871
Oh, you are just
off-the-charts amazing, honey.
27
00:00:59,872 --> 00:01:00,856
- Ohh!
- Aah!
28
00:01:00,857 --> 00:01:04,278
Most kids ignore their mom's high
praise, but Barry wasn't most kids.
29
00:01:04,279 --> 00:01:06,747
He really believed the hype.
30
00:01:06,988 --> 00:01:11,434
Unfortunately, that confidence did not
translate to his moves with the ladies.
31
00:01:11,435 --> 00:01:13,654
- Hi...?
- Yo.
32
00:01:14,057 --> 00:01:15,659
Locker strike! Hyah!
33
00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:17,706
- Ow! Oh...
- Are you okay?
34
00:01:17,707 --> 00:01:20,375
I'm fine.
My hands are like rocks.
35
00:01:20,486 --> 00:01:22,887
But they're soft, too.
And gentle.
36
00:01:22,955 --> 00:01:24,831
- Like baby ducks.
- Weird.
37
00:01:24,832 --> 00:01:27,310
(Man) All right, kids!
That time of year again.
38
00:01:27,311 --> 00:01:30,439
Holiday talent show.
(Laughs) Eh?
39
00:01:30,563 --> 00:01:33,698
- Nobody?
- Oh, my God, I love the talent show.
40
00:01:33,766 --> 00:01:36,467
Oh, do ya now?
41
00:01:36,468 --> 00:01:37,668
42
00:01:37,669 --> 00:01:39,505
Do ya now?
43
00:01:40,039 --> 00:01:41,305
Weird.
44
00:01:41,373 --> 00:01:44,308
(Chuckles) You're great.
See ya later.
45
00:01:45,780 --> 00:01:50,335
Barry had a plan in motion, and
that night, he put it into action.
46
00:01:51,047 --> 00:01:52,314
Good evening.
47
00:01:52,315 --> 00:01:54,117
Glad you could all
make it tonight.
48
00:01:54,234 --> 00:01:56,454
- What... what is this?
- Big announcement.
49
00:01:56,455 --> 00:01:59,675
I've decided to do a kara-te
routine at the school talent show.
50
00:01:59,676 --> 00:02:00,923
Auditions are tomorrow.
51
00:02:00,924 --> 00:02:03,269
Now I don't wanna make
too big a deal out of this,
52
00:02:03,270 --> 00:02:06,725
but I do believe it will be the greatest
moment in the history of everything.
53
00:02:06,781 --> 00:02:09,316
Oh, my goodness!
What a wonderful idea!
54
00:02:09,317 --> 00:02:11,418
Murray, isn't this
a wonderful idea?
55
00:02:11,419 --> 00:02:14,205
If I say yes, can I be
out of the conversation?
56
00:02:14,206 --> 00:02:15,853
What about you, Erica?
57
00:02:15,854 --> 00:02:18,640
You should absolutely do
this talent thing.
58
00:02:18,641 --> 00:02:21,576
I've heard you singing
Pat Benetton in the shower.
59
00:02:21,577 --> 00:02:24,975
Don't worry, guys. I'll be
at the talent show... In the front row.
60
00:02:24,976 --> 00:02:27,152
'Cause my friends and I
always go for a good laugh.
61
00:02:27,153 --> 00:02:30,689
Go ahead! Bring all your hot friends.
I'll wow 'em with my moves.
62
00:02:30,690 --> 00:02:32,925
Now, Adam, chuck a dinner roll
at my face.
63
00:02:32,926 --> 00:02:34,953
Watch me deflect it.
Come on.
64
00:02:35,373 --> 00:02:38,408
No. No. Not like that.
Gentle.
65
00:02:38,409 --> 00:02:40,245
And don't hit me in the face
if you can...
66
00:02:40,246 --> 00:02:42,023
- No... What are doing?!
- Gently.
67
00:02:42,024 --> 00:02:44,826
- Let me get ready, okay? Come on.
- (Murray) Stop it!
68
00:02:44,827 --> 00:02:46,228
- Hyah!
- (Beverly) Yes!
69
00:02:46,229 --> 00:02:47,873
- What the hell?
- Like lightning! I'm like lightning!
70
00:02:47,874 --> 00:02:49,774
I knew you could do it!
I knew you could do it!
71
00:02:49,775 --> 00:02:51,510
(I Fight Dragons)
72
00:02:51,535 --> 00:02:54,128
Season 1, Episode 11
"Kara-te"
73
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Synced by err0001 & Reef
www.addic7ed.com
74
00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:02,433
I don't know the future, but the past
keeps getting clearer every day
75
00:03:02,876 --> 00:03:05,104
It was December 9th,1980-something,
76
00:03:05,105 --> 00:03:07,773
and Barry's holiday cheerwas nowhere in sight.
77
00:03:07,774 --> 00:03:11,160
(Vacuum whirring loudly)
(Shouting inaudibly)
78
00:03:11,161 --> 00:03:12,361
(Turns off vacuum)
79
00:03:12,362 --> 00:03:15,529
- What's the point of anything?!
- Whoa, whoa. Slow down. What's wrong?
80
00:03:15,530 --> 00:03:17,512
- I didn't get into the talent show.
- I don't understand.
81
00:03:17,513 --> 00:03:19,668
- They rejected me.
- That literally makes no sense.
82
00:03:19,669 --> 00:03:21,971
Everyone who auditioned
got in but me.
83
00:03:21,972 --> 00:03:24,468
I hear what you're saying, but
I cannot wrap my mind around that.
84
00:03:24,469 --> 00:03:26,877
Mr. Glascott said my routine
was too inappropriate.
85
00:03:26,878 --> 00:03:30,613
How is being a perfect
kara-te angel inappropriate?
86
00:03:30,753 --> 00:03:33,864
Barry! Okay,
I have been thinking.
87
00:03:33,909 --> 00:03:37,110
Your kara-te routine...
It needs a professional director.
88
00:03:37,111 --> 00:03:39,245
That's me!
A big idea guy.
89
00:03:39,246 --> 00:03:42,023
Plus, I've seen a million
karate movies.
90
00:03:42,091 --> 00:03:44,088
- Are you crying?
- (Voice breaks) No.
91
00:03:44,126 --> 00:03:47,487
(Gasps) No! They're warrior's tears,
and it doesn't matter!
92
00:03:47,488 --> 00:03:50,690
The school said no!
I'll never cobra strike again!
93
00:03:50,966 --> 00:03:53,400
(Crying) Uhh!
This isn't fair!
94
00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:57,128
At that moment, there was only one
thing running through my mom's mind.
95
00:03:57,129 --> 00:03:58,184
(Door slams)
96
00:03:58,185 --> 00:04:01,320
No one tells my baby
he can't cobra strike.
97
00:04:01,321 --> 00:04:02,921
(Exhales)
98
00:04:04,556 --> 00:04:08,495
Mr. Glascott!
I need to speak to you immediately.
99
00:04:08,496 --> 00:04:11,716
Oh, I'm sorry. I have an important morning
meeting with the kids from the math club.
100
00:04:11,717 --> 00:04:15,354
The nerds can wait.
My son... Barry Goldberg... cannot.
101
00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:19,867
- Are you... Beverly Goldberg?
- Oh, yes, I am.
102
00:04:19,868 --> 00:04:24,971
Tell me, what kind of educator stomps
on the dreams of his students?
103
00:04:24,972 --> 00:04:26,706
Look, Barry's a good kid,
104
00:04:26,707 --> 00:04:30,656
which is kinda why I discouraged
him from taking part in the show.
105
00:04:30,657 --> 00:04:33,045
See, some of the more
high-profile students here
106
00:04:33,046 --> 00:04:37,150
can be very critical,
if you follow me.
107
00:04:37,151 --> 00:04:38,354
I really don't.
108
00:04:38,355 --> 00:04:40,789
The popular kids here
are real douche-sacks.
109
00:04:40,790 --> 00:04:44,460
Last year, one kid did
a lovely ventriloquist act.
110
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:49,572
The kids... well, they did unspeakable
things to that doll after the show.
111
00:04:49,573 --> 00:04:51,541
Quite frankly,
it was very jarring.
112
00:04:51,648 --> 00:04:55,472
And Barry's karate is really ripe
for that type of ridicule.
113
00:04:55,473 --> 00:04:58,445
Uh, this is high school,
not "Star Search."
114
00:04:58,446 --> 00:05:00,314
(Chuckling) I mean, who died
and made you Ed McMahon?
115
00:05:00,315 --> 00:05:03,443
Mr. Johansson. Our gym teacher.
He died.
116
00:05:03,444 --> 00:05:06,432
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
Barry is doing that show.
117
00:05:06,686 --> 00:05:08,287
I will go to the top on this.
118
00:05:08,288 --> 00:05:11,124
I'll petition the principal,
the school board,
119
00:05:11,125 --> 00:05:13,326
the superintendent,
the mayor's office,
120
00:05:13,327 --> 00:05:16,462
the U.S. Secretary of Education,
if I have to.
121
00:05:16,688 --> 00:05:19,050
So what's it gonna be,
Andre?
122
00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:22,068
- You know my name.
- I know everything.
123
00:05:22,254 --> 00:05:23,978
I got into the talent show!
124
00:05:23,979 --> 00:05:27,628
(Gasps) That's good news,
and very surprising to me.
125
00:05:27,629 --> 00:05:30,059
Mr. Glascott said the tri-state
talent show committee
126
00:05:30,060 --> 00:05:32,970
met and ruled that kara-teis an art form.
127
00:05:33,094 --> 00:05:36,573
Wow, the tri-state
talent show committee met.
128
00:05:36,574 --> 00:05:38,808
You know, that's almost
unbelievable!
129
00:05:38,831 --> 00:05:41,367
Well, it happened,
so let's just move on.
130
00:05:41,368 --> 00:05:44,469
Oh, man, we're back in business!
Let's get to work!
131
00:05:44,537 --> 00:05:46,671
I'll go get my nunchucks
and firecrackers.
132
00:05:46,672 --> 00:05:48,105
No firecrackers!
133
00:05:48,173 --> 00:05:51,142
So... you threatened
a teacher?
134
00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:53,278
Please. I just gently
suggested
135
00:05:53,279 --> 00:05:56,117
that he do what I say, or
there'd be dire consequences.
136
00:05:56,118 --> 00:05:58,086
Why is it you go
trotting down to the school
137
00:05:58,087 --> 00:06:01,224
and yell at somebody every time
one of our kids doesn't get their way?
138
00:06:01,225 --> 00:06:03,292
I'm involved.
That's a good thing.
139
00:06:03,293 --> 00:06:06,005
- You are out of control!
- I had no choice, Murray.
140
00:06:06,006 --> 00:06:08,803
Have you even seen Barry
do kara-te?
141
00:06:08,804 --> 00:06:13,592
It's like a beautiful ballet, but with
punching and grunting and rolling around.
142
00:06:13,593 --> 00:06:15,894
He quit after eight lessons
143
00:06:15,895 --> 00:06:18,763
because he didn't want to bike
the six blocks to get there.
144
00:06:18,768 --> 00:06:21,189
- It hardly makes him Chuck Norris.
- Oh, really?
145
00:06:21,190 --> 00:06:23,103
- Barry, get in here.
- What?
146
00:06:23,104 --> 00:06:26,240
Your father would like a sneak peek
of your routine before the big show.
147
00:06:26,241 --> 00:06:28,903
- Adam, get the firecrackers.
- No fire-crackers!
148
00:06:28,904 --> 00:06:30,198
No fire-crackers.
149
00:06:30,806 --> 00:06:33,541
("The Touch" by Stan Bush playing)
150
00:06:33,547 --> 00:06:35,101
- Hyah!
-
You got the touch
151
00:06:35,102 --> 00:06:38,304
- Dragon stance! Kee-ya!
- You got the power
152
00:06:38,305 --> 00:06:40,162
Tiger claw! Hyah!
153
00:06:40,163 --> 00:06:42,218
Sumo tomahawk chop!
154
00:06:42,219 --> 00:06:43,853
Hyah!
155
00:06:43,854 --> 00:06:45,621
Assistant. Present weaponry.
156
00:06:45,913 --> 00:06:47,113
Nunchucks!
157
00:06:47,572 --> 00:06:49,240
Nunchucks.
158
00:06:50,408 --> 00:06:52,161
Aah!
159
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,340
That's okay. I'm okay.
160
00:06:54,493 --> 00:06:56,780
Bo staff! Hyah!
161
00:06:57,722 --> 00:06:59,130
(Thuds) Sorry.
162
00:06:59,139 --> 00:07:02,104
- After all is said and done
- Hyah!
163
00:07:02,105 --> 00:07:03,428
(Broom clatters)
And now...
164
00:07:03,429 --> 00:07:05,557
The most deadly weapon
of 'em all... my hands.
165
00:07:05,588 --> 00:07:06,588
(Exhaling)
166
00:07:06,656 --> 00:07:08,223
Hyah!
167
00:07:08,291 --> 00:07:09,991
Oh, no! A robber!
168
00:07:10,060 --> 00:07:12,851
Don't worry, Kelly Lebrock,
I'll save you!
169
00:07:12,863 --> 00:07:15,298
(Exhaling) No... oh...
Don't! Ow!
170
00:07:15,299 --> 00:07:18,034
You're not supposed to hit me.
Disarm! Adam!
171
00:07:18,035 --> 00:07:19,428
(Lowered voice) Jeez,
you're supposed to disarm.
172
00:07:19,429 --> 00:07:20,927
You're supposed to let go!
173
00:07:21,062 --> 00:07:22,629
Aah!
174
00:07:22,915 --> 00:07:24,783
He has been disarmed!
175
00:07:25,007 --> 00:07:27,778
And now...
The big finish.
176
00:07:27,825 --> 00:07:30,159
You got the touch
(Exhaling)
177
00:07:30,446 --> 00:07:32,013
(Whooshing)
178
00:07:32,081 --> 00:07:34,415
(Fading)
You got the power
179
00:07:34,483 --> 00:07:35,683
(distorted growl)
180
00:07:35,684 --> 00:07:37,518
(Clunks)
181
00:07:37,586 --> 00:07:40,821
(Distorted roaring)
182
00:07:40,889 --> 00:07:42,717
- Aah! Damn!
-
you got the touch
183
00:07:43,634 --> 00:07:45,659
That'll break during the show.
(Turns off music)
184
00:07:45,660 --> 00:07:48,264
That was the greatest thing
185
00:07:48,265 --> 00:07:51,687
my eyeballs have ever,
ever seen!
186
00:07:51,719 --> 00:07:53,206
- Do you want me to go again?
- (Laughing) Yes!
187
00:07:53,207 --> 00:07:55,572
- We're going again!
- Yes! (Murray groans)
188
00:07:55,573 --> 00:07:57,320
Turns out, not everyonehad mom goggles.
189
00:07:57,321 --> 00:07:58,989
Do it again!
Do it again!
190
00:07:58,990 --> 00:08:01,333
The talent show was the furthest
thing from Erica's mind,
191
00:08:01,334 --> 00:08:04,144
but pops was hoping
to change that. (Knock on door)
192
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,487
Hey, kiddo,
mind if I sit down?
193
00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:09,530
I know what you're gonna say,
and I'm not doing the talent show.
194
00:08:09,598 --> 00:08:12,670
That's not why I'm here.
I came to...
195
00:08:12,671 --> 00:08:14,558
Borrow this magazine.
196
00:08:14,559 --> 00:08:18,537
"Eight ways to catch a hunk."
What is this garbage?
197
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:21,556
- But since you brought it up...
- Pops, forget it!
198
00:08:21,557 --> 00:08:24,090
Doing the talent show
is social suicide.
199
00:08:24,091 --> 00:08:27,260
I might as well go up on stage
with a sign that says, "I have lice."
200
00:08:27,384 --> 00:08:29,684
That doesn't sound like
much of an act.
201
00:08:29,685 --> 00:08:32,553
Come on, you have
an amazing voice,
202
00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,709
a-and you're terrific
on the guitar.
203
00:08:34,710 --> 00:08:37,413
- You got to play the guitar.
- Can't. Sold it.
204
00:08:37,414 --> 00:08:41,834
- What?! You loved that guitar.
- And now I love my leather jacket.
205
00:08:41,836 --> 00:08:44,004
That is very angering.
206
00:08:44,005 --> 00:08:46,890
Look, I appreciate you
believing in me and all that crap,
207
00:08:46,891 --> 00:08:48,998
but there's no chance
I'm gonna do the talent show.
208
00:08:48,999 --> 00:08:52,672
Oh, there's a chance, 'cause
I'm gonna get you to do it.
209
00:08:53,224 --> 00:08:56,559
- Uh, not gonna happen!
- We'll see!
210
00:08:56,627 --> 00:08:59,699
- Waste of time!
- Can't hear you...!
211
00:09:00,932 --> 00:09:03,133
(Rhythmic exhaling)
212
00:09:03,134 --> 00:09:05,858
Good morning, Bar.
Nice karate pajamas.
213
00:09:05,859 --> 00:09:07,292
It's called a gi.
214
00:09:07,293 --> 00:09:09,794
You need to educate yourself,
man. See more movies.
215
00:09:09,795 --> 00:09:13,375
Listen, I know your mom loves
this whole Hong Kong-fooey act, but...
216
00:09:13,376 --> 00:09:15,325
Haven't you considered
doing something else?
217
00:09:15,326 --> 00:09:17,785
- Why would I ever do that?
- Because you're Barry Goldberg,
218
00:09:17,786 --> 00:09:19,751
a man of many
different talents.
219
00:09:19,752 --> 00:09:22,387
It's true.
I am great at a lot of stuff.
220
00:09:22,388 --> 00:09:24,828
Skateboarding, rapping,
break-dancing.
221
00:09:24,829 --> 00:09:26,181
A little...
222
00:09:26,583 --> 00:09:28,718
Pop-and-lock action.
223
00:09:28,786 --> 00:09:31,102
Why are we even having
this conversation?
224
00:09:31,103 --> 00:09:34,121
I'm doing kara-te.
The committee ruled in my favor.
225
00:09:34,122 --> 00:09:37,453
Barry, you can't do this act.
I speak from experience.
226
00:09:37,454 --> 00:09:38,921
What are you talking about?
227
00:09:39,064 --> 00:09:42,325
When I was your age, I was
the funniest guy on the football team.
228
00:09:42,326 --> 00:09:45,790
- Funny? Since when are you funny?
- I'm plenty funny, okay?
229
00:09:45,791 --> 00:09:47,359
I was hilarious.
230
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:51,094
I used to tell dirty jokes,
I'd snap guys with a towel.
231
00:09:51,162 --> 00:09:54,988
I gave everybody a nickname,
like, uh, Pretty Boy and Shorty.
232
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:59,057
- Those are terrible nicknames.
- Shorty wasn't short.
233
00:09:59,154 --> 00:10:03,992
As a matter of fact, he was a giant.
Oh, my God. Had a gland problem.
234
00:10:03,993 --> 00:10:06,534
- Actually sad stuff.
- What's the point to this?
235
00:10:06,535 --> 00:10:09,665
The point is, the coach said,
"Murray, you're a card."
236
00:10:09,666 --> 00:10:12,567
"Why don't you host the pep rally?"
So, I did.
237
00:10:12,568 --> 00:10:16,503
I get up there, I realize I've only
got one minute of material.
238
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:17,982
One minute!
239
00:10:18,050 --> 00:10:20,519
I bombed
in front of the whole school.
240
00:10:20,539 --> 00:10:23,032
- They threw peaches at me.
- Why'd they have peaches?
241
00:10:23,033 --> 00:10:25,291
I don't know!
They weren't even in season!
242
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:30,510
All I know is, I don't want you
to go through what I went through.
243
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:33,965
Please don't do your act.
I'm begging you!
244
00:10:33,970 --> 00:10:36,823
- So you think I'm gonna suck?
- No, son.
245
00:10:37,126 --> 00:10:39,742
I know you're going to suck.
246
00:10:40,157 --> 00:10:42,025
Well, I got news for you.
247
00:10:42,093 --> 00:10:43,860
The audience won't
throw peaches.
248
00:10:43,928 --> 00:10:47,363
They'll throw flowers.
And cheers! And boobs!
249
00:10:47,431 --> 00:10:51,801
Naked boobs! Everywhere!
Just you watch. Watch!
250
00:10:53,457 --> 00:10:55,358
Boobs! Naked!
251
00:10:55,359 --> 00:10:59,219
In that moment, my dad realized
he only had one way to protect Barry.
252
00:10:59,220 --> 00:11:02,489
He was gonna stand up for his son
by standing in his way.
253
00:11:02,490 --> 00:11:03,934
Mr. Glascott...?
254
00:11:04,129 --> 00:11:05,437
We need to talk.
255
00:11:05,463 --> 00:11:06,540
(Door closes)
256
00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:08,084
- I'm out again!
- What?!
257
00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:10,753
Mr. Glascott said the national
talent show committee
258
00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,988
overruled the tri-state
talent show committee.
259
00:11:13,042 --> 00:11:15,333
Well, this is very surprising
260
00:11:15,334 --> 00:11:18,663
and unacceptable,
but they have made their ruling,
261
00:11:18,664 --> 00:11:20,957
and I believe
we should honor it.
262
00:11:20,958 --> 00:11:23,647
The talent show committee
system in this country's broken!
263
00:11:23,652 --> 00:11:24,852
Uhh!
264
00:11:25,636 --> 00:11:27,314
National committee, huh?
265
00:11:27,315 --> 00:11:29,866
Well, it's more powerful
than the tri-state committee.
266
00:11:29,891 --> 00:11:31,825
- What can I say?
- This is unbelievable.
267
00:11:31,826 --> 00:11:35,229
You trotted down to that school
after being so judgy with me about it?
268
00:11:35,230 --> 00:11:39,083
Hey, I'm just being an involved parent.
You told me that was a good thing.
269
00:11:39,084 --> 00:11:41,219
Not when you do it.
You got your own son
270
00:11:41,220 --> 00:11:44,155
kicked out of a talent show.
Who does that?
271
00:11:44,156 --> 00:11:47,991
Look, I'm doing the kid a favor
by not wearing mom goggles all the time.
272
00:11:47,992 --> 00:11:50,825
- "Mom what"?
- Goggles! We all know you wear 'em!
273
00:11:50,826 --> 00:11:55,458
It makes you think our kids are so
brilliant and perfect and poop rainbows.
274
00:11:55,459 --> 00:11:57,546
For once, just take those
mom goggles off
275
00:11:57,547 --> 00:12:01,595
and admit that our wonderful children
are terrible at so many different things.
276
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:02,829
I will not.
277
00:12:03,021 --> 00:12:05,956
They're gonna have plenty of people
trying to tear them down in life,
278
00:12:05,973 --> 00:12:09,858
so while they're under my roof, the least
I can do is try to build them up.
279
00:12:10,225 --> 00:12:12,982
Accept our children's
mediocrity!
280
00:12:13,050 --> 00:12:14,350
It's freeing!
281
00:12:14,418 --> 00:12:16,750
Seriously? I'm right here!
282
00:12:16,751 --> 00:12:21,321
- Oh, not... not you. You're fantastic.
- Yeah, you're a real gem yourself.
283
00:12:23,045 --> 00:12:24,545
As the talent show
drew near,
284
00:12:24,546 --> 00:12:27,150
pops thought it was time
to pull out his secret weapon.
285
00:12:27,151 --> 00:12:30,153
(Banjo strumming)
(Pops vocalizing)
286
00:12:30,221 --> 00:12:33,123
(Continues vocalizing, stops)
287
00:12:33,191 --> 00:12:36,893
288
00:12:37,271 --> 00:12:40,814
Hello. I... I didn't realize
you were here.
289
00:12:40,815 --> 00:12:45,871
Me, I'm just sitting here,
relaxing, strumming the old banjo.
290
00:12:45,872 --> 00:12:47,693
You're wasting your strums.
291
00:12:47,713 --> 00:12:52,450
Am I? Or is it time to do
that duet we used to do?
292
00:12:52,518 --> 00:12:53,784
(Resumes strumming)
293
00:12:53,852 --> 00:12:55,753
Won't you come home,
Bill Bailey?
294
00:12:55,821 --> 00:12:56,954
(Sings indistinctly)
Pops. Pops!
295
00:12:57,006 --> 00:13:00,627
- I'm not doing the talent show.
- Come on! Do this show!
296
00:13:00,628 --> 00:13:02,462
You can even borrow my banjo.
297
00:13:02,481 --> 00:13:04,082
Don't take this
the wrong way,
298
00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:07,919
but toting a banjo up on stage
isn't exactly what you'd call cool.
299
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:12,803
- Since when is the banjo not cool?
- Since the invention of the banjo...?
300
00:13:12,933 --> 00:13:15,335
Erica, when you were younger,
you used to do everything...
301
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:18,176
Volleyball, gymnastics,
school chorus.
302
00:13:18,177 --> 00:13:19,647
What happened to you?
303
00:13:19,648 --> 00:13:22,716
Well, I go to high school,
where people judge you.
304
00:13:22,717 --> 00:13:23,547
(Kisses)
305
00:13:23,548 --> 00:13:27,822
Well, if you don't think the banjo's cool,
I can always break out the accordion.
306
00:13:27,823 --> 00:13:30,101
Turns out pops wasn't
the only one
307
00:13:30,102 --> 00:13:32,399
still trying to get a Goldberg
into the talent show.
308
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:33,801
(Sighs)
309
00:13:35,143 --> 00:13:37,612
Or out of the talent show.
310
00:13:37,891 --> 00:13:39,506
(Man) Get out of the way, idiot!
(Tires screech, horn honks)
311
00:13:39,507 --> 00:13:40,681
What are you doing here?
312
00:13:40,682 --> 00:13:43,299
Stopping you from doing
what you're doing!
313
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:45,634
The only thing I'm here
to do is...
314
00:13:45,901 --> 00:13:47,369
Fake left, go right.
315
00:13:48,155 --> 00:13:51,629
(Pops) But isn't it your responsibility
to encourage talented students...
316
00:13:51,654 --> 00:13:52,854
Dad?!
317
00:13:53,614 --> 00:13:56,921
Oh, hey. I-I was just
talking to Mr. Glascott here
318
00:13:56,922 --> 00:13:59,155
about putting Erica
into the talent show.
319
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:02,420
I can't take this anymore.
You want your kids in, they're in.
320
00:14:02,421 --> 00:14:04,278
Oh, great! Which one?
(Gasps)
321
00:14:04,279 --> 00:14:06,914
I don't know.
Both of them? None of them?
322
00:14:06,927 --> 00:14:11,598
I really don't care! I mean, it's a
stupid freakin' high school talent show!
323
00:14:11,666 --> 00:14:15,768
I had one moment of weakness where
I tried to do something kind for your son.
324
00:14:15,836 --> 00:14:17,436
I apologize!
325
00:14:17,437 --> 00:14:20,974
All I care about now is that
I owe 20 grand in student loans,
326
00:14:21,041 --> 00:14:24,781
I live in a studio apartment
above a steaming hot dry cleaner,
327
00:14:24,782 --> 00:14:27,283
and I have a second job
where I work as a pizza man,
328
00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:30,287
and occasionally I get
to deliver pizzas to my students.
329
00:14:30,288 --> 00:14:33,723
Oh, also I have a parrot
that I can't get rid of.
330
00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:35,895
They live for 80 years.
Did you know that?
331
00:14:35,896 --> 00:14:38,843
Nobody tells you about that.
You have to put them in your will!
332
00:14:38,844 --> 00:14:40,413
It's a nightmare!
333
00:14:40,481 --> 00:14:44,347
So, yeah, do whatever you wanna do,
'cause I really don't care!
334
00:14:45,554 --> 00:14:48,688
That made me hungry for pizza.
Who wants pizza?
335
00:14:48,973 --> 00:14:52,522
All right, we've gathered you here
because we've got some great news.
336
00:14:52,523 --> 00:14:54,739
There's been some movement
on the talent show.
337
00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:57,900
Again? This has been
an emotional roller coaster.
338
00:14:57,968 --> 00:15:02,472
- Turns out Barry can do the show!
- Or not, if you don't want to.
339
00:15:02,539 --> 00:15:05,862
What are you talking about? The national
talent show committee already ruled.
340
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:08,435
- It's binding.
- Actually, um...
341
00:15:09,262 --> 00:15:11,129
- We're the committees.
- What?
342
00:15:11,130 --> 00:15:15,885
Your mother took it upon herself
to trot on down to the high school
343
00:15:15,886 --> 00:15:19,076
and yell at Mr. Glascott when
you didn't get into the talent show.
344
00:15:19,101 --> 00:15:21,621
- What?!
- Your father trotted, too.
345
00:15:21,622 --> 00:15:23,592
At least I was trying
to get him into the show.
346
00:15:23,593 --> 00:15:26,303
Unbelievable! Why is anyone
trotting anywhere?!
347
00:15:26,304 --> 00:15:29,164
The silver lining?
Erica's in the show, too.
348
00:15:29,165 --> 00:15:32,569
- Excuse me?
- I talked to Mr. Glascott. Troubled man.
349
00:15:32,570 --> 00:15:34,411
But I told him
all about you.
350
00:15:34,412 --> 00:15:37,775
Well, you can tell him something else.
I'm not doing that show.
351
00:15:38,174 --> 00:15:41,755
Me, too! 'Cause mom meddled,
I'm not doing that show anymore!
352
00:15:41,756 --> 00:15:42,817
(Gasps)
(Exhales sharply)
353
00:15:42,818 --> 00:15:44,853
And 'cause dad
doesn't believe in me,
354
00:15:44,854 --> 00:15:48,456
I'm gonna prove you wrong,
and I'm gonna do the show.
355
00:15:48,904 --> 00:15:51,218
- Wait. Wh-which one is it?
- I don't know!
356
00:15:51,219 --> 00:15:53,265
I'm just so angry
at both of you.
357
00:15:53,266 --> 00:15:54,892
(Whispers) I really think
you should do it.
358
00:15:54,893 --> 00:15:57,194
All right.
I spoke with Adam.
359
00:15:57,195 --> 00:15:59,397
This thing matters a lot
to a lot of people.
360
00:15:59,420 --> 00:16:00,753
I'm back in.
361
00:16:01,056 --> 00:16:05,665
The talent show was back on,
and so was my directorial debut!
362
00:16:05,794 --> 00:16:07,195
(Dance music playing)
363
00:16:07,263 --> 00:16:08,896
It was only the opening act
364
00:16:08,964 --> 00:16:11,466
of the William Penn Academy
holiday talent show,
365
00:16:11,467 --> 00:16:13,834
and Barry was already
getting cold feet.
366
00:16:13,969 --> 00:16:17,221
Wow. They're really good.
367
00:16:17,222 --> 00:16:18,708
It's gonna be
a tough act to follow.
368
00:16:18,709 --> 00:16:20,401
What are you worried about?
You got a black belt.
369
00:16:20,402 --> 00:16:22,339
That I took
from dad's bathrobe!
370
00:16:22,378 --> 00:16:24,646
(Music ends)
371
00:16:24,647 --> 00:16:27,348
(Cheers and applause)
372
00:16:28,263 --> 00:16:29,590
Dorks! (Laughter)
373
00:16:29,591 --> 00:16:34,137
In that moment, Barry realized the reason
why Lexy Bloom loved the talent show.
374
00:16:34,138 --> 00:16:37,788
Like the rest of the cool crowd,
she could bag on all the idiots on stage.
375
00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:39,290
- I can't go out there!
- What?!
376
00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:43,504
I can't do it! Dad was right.
I'm gonna humiliate myself.
377
00:16:43,532 --> 00:16:44,899
They're gonna
throw peaches at me!
378
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:47,339
Peaches? Who has peaches?
What are you talking about?
379
00:16:47,356 --> 00:16:48,909
I can't do it!
380
00:16:50,465 --> 00:16:51,833
(Giggling)
381
00:16:51,834 --> 00:16:56,037
Despite pops' best efforts, Erica decided
to not even go to the talent show.
382
00:16:56,082 --> 00:16:59,417
But our grandfather had
one more card to play.
383
00:17:02,807 --> 00:17:05,220
___
384
00:17:07,224 --> 00:17:08,179
(Cheers and applause)
(Man, amplified voice)
385
00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:11,330
And that was our second-to-last act,
Ellen McRae juggling!
386
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,365
- All right, karate kid, you're up next.
- I can't go out there.
387
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:16,663
What are you talking about? You're
our closer. We gotta have a closer.
388
00:17:16,881 --> 00:17:19,028
- Or I could just end it.
- Well, I'm out.
389
00:17:19,029 --> 00:17:20,462
I'm in.
390
00:17:20,567 --> 00:17:22,781
My grandfather said you might
have a spot open for me.
391
00:17:22,782 --> 00:17:25,517
Well, seeing as I don't care
at all, yes.
392
00:17:25,585 --> 00:17:28,520
(Indistinct conversations)
393
00:17:28,588 --> 00:17:30,255
One of the Goldbergs.
394
00:17:34,794 --> 00:17:37,495
(Amplifier hums,
scattered applause)
395
00:17:39,665 --> 00:17:41,876
(Amplified voice)
So, um...
396
00:17:42,127 --> 00:17:44,771
This is a song I sing
in the shower.
397
00:17:44,772 --> 00:17:45,972
(Scattered giggling)
398
00:17:45,973 --> 00:17:47,406
(Erica exhales)
399
00:17:47,407 --> 00:17:49,547
Just get it over with,
I guess.
400
00:17:50,810 --> 00:17:53,947
(Strums lightly)
401
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:58,301
Oh, you're a real tough
cookie with the long history
402
00:17:58,380 --> 00:18:02,044
Of breakin' little hearts
like the one in me
403
00:18:02,338 --> 00:18:05,773
That's okay,
let's see how you do it
404
00:18:05,841 --> 00:18:09,443
Put up your Dukes,
let's get down to it
405
00:18:09,511 --> 00:18:12,202
Hit me with your best shot
406
00:18:12,362 --> 00:18:14,887
Why don't you hit me
with your best shot?
407
00:18:14,888 --> 00:18:16,751
(Rhythmic clapping)
408
00:18:16,818 --> 00:18:19,687
Oh, hit me with your
best shot
(Cheering)
409
00:18:19,755 --> 00:18:22,857
Fire away
410
00:18:22,858 --> 00:18:24,318
(cheering continues)
411
00:18:24,334 --> 00:18:26,026
You come on
with your "come on"
412
00:18:26,093 --> 00:18:27,980
You don't fight fair
413
00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:31,717
But that's okay,
just see if I care
414
00:18:31,831 --> 00:18:35,600
Knock me down,
it's all in vain
(Speaks inaudibly)
415
00:18:35,668 --> 00:18:39,171
I'll get back up
on my feet again
416
00:18:39,238 --> 00:18:42,273
-
Hit me with your best shot
- (Boy and girl) Yeah!
417
00:18:42,341 --> 00:18:45,195
Why don't you hit me
with your best shot?
418
00:18:46,533 --> 00:18:49,601
Oh, hit me with your
best shot
419
00:18:49,669 --> 00:18:51,537
Fire away
420
00:18:51,604 --> 00:18:53,838
- I'm back in!
- Still don't care.
421
00:18:53,906 --> 00:18:57,642
You're a real tough cookie with the
long history
(Rhythmic exhaling)
422
00:18:57,710 --> 00:18:59,477
- Nunchucks!
-
Of breakin' little hearts
423
00:18:59,545 --> 00:19:01,546
like the one in me
424
00:19:01,614 --> 00:19:05,294
(grunting and exhaling)
That's okay,
let's see how you do it
425
00:19:05,295 --> 00:19:08,864
Put up your Dukes,
let's get down to it
426
00:19:08,865 --> 00:19:11,327
Hit me with your best shot
(Screams indistinctly)
427
00:19:11,390 --> 00:19:12,857
Sneak attack!
428
00:19:12,925 --> 00:19:15,259
Why don't you hit me
with your best shot?
429
00:19:15,327 --> 00:19:16,927
(Grunting)
430
00:19:16,928 --> 00:19:19,230
Hit me with your
best shot
431
00:19:19,231 --> 00:19:21,465
Fire away
432
00:19:21,933 --> 00:19:23,434
(laughing) My babies!
433
00:19:23,502 --> 00:19:26,504
- Hyah!
-
Hit me with your best shot
434
00:19:26,572 --> 00:19:28,539
(Grunts loudly)
Why don't you hit me
435
00:19:28,607 --> 00:19:30,540
With your best shot?
(Crowd gasps)
436
00:19:31,395 --> 00:19:34,330
Hit me with your
best shot
437
00:19:34,398 --> 00:19:36,299
- You can do it, baby!
-
Fire away...!
438
00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:37,467
Hyah!
439
00:19:37,534 --> 00:19:39,402
(Erica holds note)
440
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:42,509
Pops was right. Erica had nothing
to be embarrassed about.
441
00:19:42,510 --> 00:19:45,942
In fact, in that moment, it felt
damn good to be a Goldberg.
442
00:19:45,943 --> 00:19:48,236
I have the most talented
kids in the world!
443
00:19:48,237 --> 00:19:51,231
More talented than yours!
More talented than yours!
444
00:19:51,235 --> 00:19:53,336
- Calm down. Calm down.
- Oh, my God!
445
00:19:53,404 --> 00:19:57,774
Especially for my dad, who put on the mom
goggles for the first time in his life.
446
00:19:57,841 --> 00:20:00,677
Yeah! Yeah...
447
00:20:00,745 --> 00:20:02,307
Thank you, guys.
448
00:20:02,308 --> 00:20:05,248
And as for me, I did what
any good director would do...
449
00:20:05,249 --> 00:20:06,912
I made my star look good.
(Snaps)
450
00:20:06,913 --> 00:20:08,017
Kee-ya.
451
00:20:08,018 --> 00:20:10,310
I switched Barry's board
for balsa wood.
452
00:20:13,824 --> 00:20:15,491
(Rhythmic exhaling)
453
00:20:15,558 --> 00:20:16,625
Hyah!
454
00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:19,728
Huh! Hyah! (Grunting)
455
00:20:19,796 --> 00:20:21,930
Ha! Huh! Ha! Ha!
456
00:20:24,419 --> 00:20:27,452
Okay, mom. Next talent show's
only a year away.
457
00:20:27,453 --> 00:20:30,023
Can't start preparing too early!
Show me what you got.
458
00:20:30,024 --> 00:20:32,121
I wrote a smooth soul jam.
459
00:20:32,309 --> 00:20:33,625
You ready?
460
00:20:33,692 --> 00:20:35,659
Girl
461
00:20:35,727 --> 00:20:39,163
I want to get with you
(Exhales)
462
00:20:39,231 --> 00:20:42,612
Big tasty wants
to get with you-u
463
00:20:42,613 --> 00:20:44,706
You got to, mmm,
back it up
464
00:20:44,707 --> 00:20:47,811
Mmm, back it up,
uh, uh, uhh.
465
00:20:47,812 --> 00:20:49,379
(kisses)
466
00:20:49,687 --> 00:20:52,169
I'm sorry, was that Barry Goldberg,
or Barry Manilow?
467
00:20:52,170 --> 00:20:53,988
'Cause
I can't tell the difference!
468
00:20:53,989 --> 00:20:55,656
(Doorbell rings)
(Laughing)
469
00:20:58,279 --> 00:20:59,962
(Sighs) Crap.
470
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