Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

NARRATOR: Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

MAN (indistinctly over P.A.): Dr. Jackson...

(man humming tune)

(distant ambulance siren wailing)

(man coughs)

(humming resumes)

(indistinct P.A. announcements continue)

(man continues humming tune)

(sniffing and coughing)

(siren wailing in distance)

(humming continues)

Doctor, are you awake?

So, you want me to ventilate my feelings, huh?

Open up, expose, share.

All right, all right.

I mean, I don't mean to sound cranky, Doctor, uh...

What was that again?

Velman, that's right, Dr. Velman.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound like an ingrate.

I mean, my padded cell is nothing if not comfortable.

And I mean, I strictly love it.

And being fed through a straw, what's not to love?

It's just if I could have my arms free, you know?

I'm kind of an excitable kind of a guy,

and, uh, every now and then, I like to gesture,

you know what I mean?

So, if I could just, what do you...? No, huh?

Okay, well, this is good, too.

I mean, I can scratch my back

with both my hands at the same time.

(laughs)

Anyway, where was I?

Wait a minute. Oh, yeah.

Well, we'd only been married four days,

and it wasn't as if we were exactly poor as church mice.

I mean, we hadn't missed any meals.

Well, we just postponed a few.

I mean, there was the rent and furniture shopping.

You see, all we have is a waterbed

and some really nifty high-tech orange crates.

Anyway, uh, we went shopping, my wife and I.

My brand-new wife, Connie.

Very cute woman.

And that's when this very peculiar thing happened, Doctor.

You see, we were in a very ratty part of town,

and I said to Connie, "Connie," I said...

Don't you think we ought to go home?

It's getting kind of late, huh, sweetie?

Oh, come on. Be a good sport.

I'm being a good sport.

It's just kind of late,

and I'm getting a little hungry,

and I still can't believe you want

to furnish our apartment in early Turkish.

Well, it's not actually Turkish, hon.

It's more Mesopotamian.

You know, teak and silk.

Who ever heard of Turkish period?

Daniel Squires, lower your voice.

Just tell me one thing, Connie.

Is Turkish-period something we can afford?

Namely, free?

(gong crashes)

Wasn't that an empty lot a few seconds ago?

Empty. Weeds, garbage.

I suppose we've made a visual error.

We were talking, we simply didn't notice the tent.

The tent.

The word "unnatural" comes to mind.

Nervously, they approach the tent.

Possibly not the smartest move we've ever made.

Not even the second-smartest move we've ever made.

Look at this, hmm.

Curious, effendi?

There was an empty lot here a minute ago, wasn't there?

I'm a merchant, not a real estate agent.

The world's finest artifacts and curios at unbelievable prices.

She's just looking.

(gasps)

Oh, Danny, this is perfect.

What do you want with that old thing?

For the end table.

It'll clean up. Just a little elbow grease.

Personally, I prefer paste of olive oil and camel dung.

How much?

Oh, five drops of olive oil to three tablespoons camel dung.

For the lamp?

50 drachmae. Oh, sorry.

Fresh out of drachmae.

Well, then, taking into consideration today's exchange rate

and the fall of the Ottoman Empire...

(calculator beeping)

$30.

Then forget it. Come on. We're history.

Noble sir...

you are a cunning shopper, I can see that,

so I will cut my own throat,

slash both my wrists,

and offer you this magnificent antiquity for $20.

Jesse James at least had a horse.

$15!

And may all your children need corrective lenses

from too much TV.

Five, and may a hundred thousand gangrenous camels

lie down in your couscous! Not bad.

Thanks. Bloodsucker!

Heartless trafficker in cheapness!

Graffiti on the subway car of life.

$13! My last offer.

Seven, and may a weighty object drop from a great height,

flattening you to the insignificant thickness of your soul!

$11! A pittance.

A veritable crime against nature.

Six bucks.

Six?

That's it.

Give me a break.

A $20 loss I'll take.

Ten dollars, final.

Lets get out of here.

A steal, blessed sire.

Would you like another at the same price?

Come on.

You're testing my love, are you darling?

Squires, you were magnificent.

I think we got took.

(gong crashes)

Don't turn around. We'll take a little walk,

throw the lamp in the garbage and go home for a quiet dinner.

Sure, strange, peculiar, we're talking odd here.

But it was a natural thought.

I mean, you would've thought it, you would've thought it.

We'd have thought it.

Any terrifically rational or solid person,

like Lawrence Welk or Eleanor Roosevelt,

they'd have thought of it.

I mean, a lamp like that.

It was like a thing in Aladdin's story.

Anyway, we thought it, and Connie had this urge to rub it.

And I told her to have her head checked for slow leaks.

I mean, I didn't want to rub it.

You know, it's like that old story,

I don't believe in ghosts,

but I've been afraid of them all my life, you know?

You don't know that story?

Anyway, we went to bed and Connie left all the lights on.

Just her little bid for attention. (chuckles)

Danny, are you asleep?

Yes.

Then how come you're answering me?

I was raised polite.

Danny, we have to talk about it.

Not only do we not have to,

I don't want to, ain't going to.

So, shut up, so I can go to sleep.

Danny, neither one of us can sleep.

Maybe there's something to this.

We've got to discuss it.

(humming)

Look, you've read all those stories.

We've seen all those movies.

When you rub a lamp, a genie appears.

Fortunately, I cannot hear

a syllable of this craziness.

For God's sakes, I was there today.

I saw that strange man come and go like a big burp,

just like you.

I do not come and go like a big burp.

Genie's grant wishes.

I could get my beach house.

You could get another duck for your collection.

If I was listening to you, I'd agree.

And then I would tell you

that with all my heart, I love you.

And if I live to be a thousand years old,

I'll never stop loving you.

And then I would tell you to buzz off

so I can go to sleep

so tomorrow I can con myself into believing

that it never happened the way that I know it happened.

(waterbed sloshes)

Where are you going?

If there's a chance, I just have to.

We need the money.

All right, all right.

Let me get you a towel.

Who knows, maybe we've got ourselves a 24-carat genie.

DANNY: It jumped!

I mean, not an Olympic record breaker,

but it flipped, ka-plop, like that.

Like it had a life of its own,

which it did have a life, that is.

Anyway, the next thing we hear, this booming voice come out.

I mean, it was so loud, it was as loud as...

GENIE (voice echoing): Aha! Free at last! Free after 10,000 years.

Free to speak and act.

My will to be known. (laughing)

What's going on?!

(wind howling)

Oh, wait! Ow!

Knock off that noise!

Do you want us to lose the lease?!

GENIE: Certainly, offspring of a worm. (laughing)

Knock it off!

This whisper?

This is silence next to the hurricane I shall loose,

spawn of paramecium. (laughing)

(ducks quacking)

My collection! My marvelous mallards!

It was a duck rain!

(genie laughing maniacally)

We're gonna get kicked out of the only apartment

in New York we can afford because of a loudmouth genie!

Did I say genie?

Are you really in there?

GENIE: Where else would I be, foul harridan?

Hey, you can't talk to my wife that way.

Oh, he's a genie.

He can talk any way he wants.

And your yelling is gonna look pretty silly

if this guy turns out to be half the size of Rex Ingram.

Who?

The genie in Thief of Baghdad, 1940 version.

I don't believe this!

We're sitting in the rubble of our apartment,

arguing with a lighting fixture

and you want to play Trivial Pursuit!

Hmph!

Now what?

Oh, now you're angry. Good, good.

Oh, that's just terrific.

A 10,000-year-old genie comes between us.

You're gonna let a little thing

like a genie come between us.

(wind howling)

(genie laughing maniacally)

Squires!

You know, we're gonna get thrown right out of here.

I know.

DANNY (chuckles ruefully): She knows.

Please, genie, will you tone it down?

GENIE: Offspring of a million foul odors, suffer! (laughing)

That was good, Connie.

You're no genie.

Then what do you think he is?

GENIE: I am so, charnel house harlot!

Why say you nay?

A genie has a lot of power.

A genie doesn't have to shout to be heard.

Ipso facto, you're a fraud.

Caution, trollop!

I'm not scared.

If you were as powerful as you made out,

you'd tone it way down.

(softly): Is this better?

Are you convinced?

But can you keep it down? That's the question.

Forever, if need be.

And uh,

can you grant wishes?

Naturally.

Really?

But not to you, disgusting grub of humanity.

(loud laughter)

Let me be frank with you.

I was not enjoying any of this.

Hey, listen,

nobody, but nobody talks to me that way.

After all, I am your master.

Ah, correction. There are some djinn who are mastered

by their owners, but I am not one of them.

A likely story.

What's a djinn?

A genie.

Exactly.

As I was saying, I cannot do your bidding,

for I am not free to leave this prison.

How come?

Alas, the sorcerer who wedged me in here,

knew nothing of molecular compression.

I know what you're thinking.

Why didn't I get the genie out of the lamp?

They don't teach that in college.

May the sweat of a thousand monkeys

pollute your wretched veins.

All right, so it wasn't your average situation.

How do you think I felt?

A guy living in a lamp...

Well, not exactly living.

I mean, according to him,

he didn't want to be there in the first place.

It was cramped, I don't blame him.

I mean, how many rooms can you cram into a lamp?

And did he have a bathroom?

I mean, we're talking a very primitive accommodation.

This guy was not in a good mood.

We got ourselves a lemon.

Were I free, if I could get out,

I might do your bidding.

But as I am now... That's it.

I'm tossing you into the incinerator.

Danny, don't do it.

Once you have bought the lamp,

you cannot lose it, destroy it, or give it away.

You know, this guy's got a lot of brass.

I think he's lying.

Genie, give me a lot of money.

That's a direct order.

(thunder crashing) You're ticking him off.

(loud, sustained, maniacal laughter)

(laughter continues)

It went on for a week.

A rain of frogs, then came spiders, worms,

a dust storm in the clothes closet, hailstones, lava.

Did you ever experience a monsoon in a two-room apartment?

Do you know what lightning in the bedroom

does to TV reception?

And slime, there was a lot of slime.

I mean, this genie was heavy into slime, cracked him up.

(rooster crowing)

(slime splattering)

(genie snoring)

(broom sweeping sounds)

(snoring grows louder)

Did you use this knife to scrape fungus?

(spring clanking) Ohh!

Oh, by the way, there's snakes in the bathroom now.

It's no worse than the decomposing dog.

That's not there anymore.

Well, that's something. It's under the bed.

Not all of it.

I'm hungry.

Well, then, you'll have to go to the market.

Oh, no, he gets really cranky when I try to leave.

Well, you can't expect me to go.

I've got a house to take care of.

I'm hungry, too.

All right, all right!

(animal roaring) (screaming)

Tigers.

You know, I wasn't the one who had to have the lousy lamp.

Okay, okay, Danny, please.

Now we can't afford to be at each other's throats.

You've tried to leave four times this week. I'll try.

Connie... Fair is fair.

(birds chirping)

We'll both go.

(elephant trumpeting)

How did he get elephants on the third floor?!

(genie laughing)

GENIE: And I'm just getting warmed up.

I've gotta get away from all of this.

You can divorce her.

As you say, she wanted the lamp, not you.

I'd even let you out of the apartment,

then you could go free.

No, no, she's the first good thing

that ever really happened in my life.

Thank you, Danny.

That helps... not much.

Uncle Luther, how did you get in?

CONNIE: Danny, there's nobody there.

Uncle Luther, don't pick me up by my ears.

Danny, look at me, I'm the only one here.

Don't torture me again, I hate you.

Oh, my God! What?

It's my second-grade teacher, Mrs. Watson!

Put the ruler down. Don't hit me. Please!

Danny, Danny you can't stay here.

You've got to go to someplace where they can take care of you.

I'm not leaving, I love you. Somewhere else, somewhere peaceful.

Go in the bedroom and pack, now. Please.

You won't hate me? Of course not, I love you.

Even if I file for divorce? Even.

(laughs)

(genie laughs)

GENIE: I knew he'd see it my way.

(loud maniacal laughter)

Molecular compression, huh?

We'll just see about that.

GENIE: Rub away, miserable harridan.

Better than you have tried for 10,000 years. (laughs)

So I ran away.

All right, I can admit it, Dr. Velman,

I left my darling new wife,

hardly with the gift wrapping off of her--

I left her alone in that apartment,

with that mean, rotten genie.

This woman is a saint.

We're talking about a person who can bless animals.

Brave, loving, wonderful woman.

Mother of the children I'll never have,

because of that thing in the lamp.

She sent me off to save my sanity,

to save my life, and I deserted her.

I'm such a yuck!

All right, that's it. What am I, chopped liver?

No. I'm the man who loves his wife.

The most courageous woman since Eleanor Roosevelt.

I know what you're thinking--

I have a thing for Eleanor Roosevelt.

No way!

All right, Doc, what do you think?

I can go home, huh? It's all been a bad dream? Okay?

Honey.

Honey.

Danny, you came home.

I had to be with you.

Where did all this come from?

Come on, you know.

All of it?

All of this, everything came from the genie?

Isn't it just wonderful?

I'm having a little trouble with this.

What you're having trouble with,

is that the genie gave us a hard time

and you crapped out.

I'm thinking of divorce again.

Nobody gets through all the battles.

Well, you got through this one, I didn't.

Yes, but darling, there's been lots of times

when you made it and I didn't.

Ah, I'm not thinking of divorce.

GENIE: So, humans continue to prattle like monkeys,

even after 10,000 years.

He's at it again.

Listen, I gotta get back

to the Home for the Mentally Absent before bed check.

It's okay, Danny, relax.

Really?

Hi, guys. Everything okay?

Forgive me, mistress.

My wrath was directed at the Rodeo Drive tailors,

who can't keep their buttons properly affixed.

Well, I'll sew it for you.

Oh, Danny, I would like you to meet

Mas'ud Jan Bin Jan, a Mazikeen.

I remember the name.

Our benefactor, and my friend.

How good a friend?

I won't dignify that remark with an answer.

Welcome home, sir.

I await your smallest request.

I can see now why you had a little trouble

getting out of there. Yes.

I'm still a bit stiff.

How about that tea now?

That would be fine.

Danny? No.

How did you get out?

You were stuck in there for 10,000 years.

I'm no longer cramped over in pain with an eternal bellyache,

thanks to the magical workings

of your lovely consort.

No more, uh, temper?

She's my friend.

I look forward to extending that friendship to you.

Thank you.

I've seen much of the world these past three days,

as humans judge time.

It's most pleasing.

The oceans, the sunrise, the incomparable Lena Horne.

Do you play bridge?

Do you like biochemistry?

Do you realize how close they are to being correct

about the jumping genes of the DNA molecule?

No, not really.

How did you get him out?

You won't believe this.

You figured it out with this?

Well, occasionally magic has to bow to technology.

How come nobody ever thought of it before?

JAN BIN JAN: Simple.

That object didn't exist

the last time somebody had to put up with plagues and tigers.

DANNY: A simple, stupid, ordinary, everyday, run-of-the-mill,

nickel-dime, penny ante, unbelievable can opener!

Baby, you're the greatest.

NARRATOR: The dark side is always there,

waiting for us to enter,

waiting to enter us.

Until next time,

try to enjoy the daylight.