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00:00:03,879 --> 00:00:06,590
CBS presents this programin color.
2
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:27,319
( theme song playing )
3
00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:23,167
Zuruck to
the Barracken.
4
00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:26,336
Don't you know
no one is allowed outside
5
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:28,380
after roll call?
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00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:30,048
Schultz, I was
just going into town
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00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,091
to get some beer.
8
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,843
Now, I'd have been
back by, say, June.
9
00:01:32,885 --> 00:01:34,344
July at the latest.
10
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:35,554
Wise guy.
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00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:38,390
You could have been shot
and-and-and everything.
12
00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:39,725
Yeah, yeah,
and everything.
13
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:40,767
Ja, ja.
14
00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:41,852
What's the matter,
Carter.
15
00:01:41,894 --> 00:01:43,353
Having trouble
with our genial host?
16
00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:44,521
Colonel, they
just brought
17
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,064
something big in
camp, and the goons
18
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,232
are all worked
up about it.
19
00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:48,192
Goons?
20
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:49,443
Nothing
personal, Schultz.
21
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:50,527
Jolly joker.
22
00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:51,737
Something big, huh?
23
00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:52,863
Let's have a look.
24
00:01:52,905 --> 00:01:55,365
Anybody order
a piano by mail?
25
00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:58,535
LEBEAU:
Number three torpedo ready, sir.
26
00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:13,217
( Hogan whistles )
27
00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:15,886
Got enough guards around,
it must be important.
28
00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:18,388
Ah. That is bigger than a piano.
29
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:21,016
It's even bigger
than a breadbox.
30
00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:31,235
Maybe it's some kind
of a new secret weapon.
31
00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:32,611
Now, why did they
bring it in here?
32
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:33,737
Well, they know it's safe.
33
00:02:33,737 --> 00:02:35,697
The Allies won't bomb
a prisoner-of-war camp.
34
00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:37,407
No, you see,
that wouldn't be cricket.
35
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:38,784
Hey, gang, what
about if we
36
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:39,910
find out what it is,
37
00:02:39,952 --> 00:02:41,453
and if it's
important enough,
38
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,080
we get London
to bomb the camp?
39
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,248
That would be great.
40
00:02:44,248 --> 00:02:45,332
Carter...
41
00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:51,129
Out.
42
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,422
Schultz says I
might get shot.
43
00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:53,465
That's right.
44
00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:09,022
These orders
of General Burkhalter
45
00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:10,941
place Stalag 13
and my command
46
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:11,859
at your disposal.
47
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,360
Yes, Herr Colonel.
48
00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:15,279
Major Hauser,
may I inquire
49
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,822
what your mission is?
50
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,490
It is top secret, sir,
51
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,701
and, uh... before
telling you,
52
00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:23,787
I want your assurance
of absolute security.
53
00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:26,206
You have it, sir.
54
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:27,416
This very office
55
00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:29,126
is more secure than any room
56
00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:31,670
in the headquarters
of the fuhrer himself.
57
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,380
So, I can assure you,
Major Hauser,
58
00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:36,216
you may speak
with absolute security.
59
00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:38,468
Your secret will not go
beyond these walls.
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00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:39,845
HAUSER:
Thank you, Colonel.
61
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,972
Turn the volume up,
Kinch, will you?
62
00:03:42,014 --> 00:03:45,434
I can't. Somebody's been using
this thing to make coffee.
63
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,769
Don't you guys
know a coffeepot
64
00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:49,188
from an amplifier?
65
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,230
Shh. Listen.
66
00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:51,356
HAUSER:
The equipment
67
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,734
you refer to, Colonel,
is a new type V-bomb,
68
00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:56,403
fully armed with a highly
volatile explosive.
69
00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:59,072
I have been ordered
to bring it to the coast,
70
00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:01,700
obviously for use
in targets against England.
71
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,160
That's fantastic.
72
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,162
:
Fantastic, Major.
73
00:04:05,204 --> 00:04:07,831
You sure this is
a one-way tap?
74
00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:09,750
HAUSER:
The bomb is to remain here
75
00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:12,169
for two days until the new
launching pad is ready.
76
00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:15,339
I can assure you, sir,
it's absolutely safe.
77
00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:17,716
Thank you for your
cooperation, Colonel.
78
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,259
I shall mention you
in my report
79
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:20,844
to General
Burkhalter in Berlin.
80
00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,846
No, that won't
be necessary,
81
00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,681
but, uh... just in case,
82
00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:26,767
my name is spelled
with a "K."
83
00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:29,394
What a hambone.
84
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:31,855
A V-bomb, huh?
85
00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,524
Kinch, let's get
down to the tunnel
86
00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:34,024
and call
a submarine.
87
00:04:53,252 --> 00:04:54,294
Hello, Mama Bear.
88
00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:55,963
Hello, Mama Bear--
This is Goldilocks.
89
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:56,547
Hello, Mama Bear.
90
00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:00,634
MAN:
Come in, Goldilocks,
91
00:05:00,676 --> 00:05:02,386
This is Mama Bear.
92
00:05:02,386 --> 00:05:04,721
Little Miss Muffet
has a big new tuffet
93
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:05,722
that goes boom.
94
00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:08,308
Little Miss Muffet
moving tuffet 48 hours.
95
00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:11,562
Goldilocks requesting
permission to make tuffet
96
00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,397
go boom before
move. Over.
97
00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:16,024
Hands off Miss Muffet's
tuffet, Goldilocks.
98
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:18,235
Stand by for our next
installment, 12 hours.
99
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,152
Over and out.
100
00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:22,155
You mean
we got to wait
101
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:23,699
12 hours
to blow that thing up?
102
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,868
What's the matter, Kinch
you double parked?
103
00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:30,539
We couldn't get
near it, Colonel.
104
00:05:30,581 --> 00:05:31,540
We never had a chance.
105
00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:33,458
They guard it like
the ruddy Bank of England.
106
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,210
Maybe we could tunnel
up to it, Colonel.
107
00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:36,879
If we could take a
turn in Tunnel Three
108
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,589
and we come up
through our wine cellar...
109
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:39,590
Are you mad?
110
00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:42,092
Disturb that wine
we just put in there?
111
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:45,095
Chateau Lafitte must have
rest in the beginning.
112
00:05:45,137 --> 00:05:46,805
Americans. Hot dogs. Beer.
113
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,599
All right, all right,
knock it off.
114
00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:50,184
Colonel, the sub
just sent this.
115
00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:51,268
Thanks, Kinch.
116
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:55,647
They're sending
a team, four men.
117
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,567
They'll be dropped
tonight at point M-l4
118
00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:01,111
at approximately
2100 hours.
119
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:04,656
Three commandos
and a Dr. Schneider.
120
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:05,574
A doctor?
121
00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:06,825
Scientist.
122
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,619
Sub says he needs
a minimum of ten minutes
123
00:06:08,619 --> 00:06:10,120
alone with the rocket
to look it over
124
00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:11,288
and take pictures of it.
125
00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:12,414
Well, just how do we
126
00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:14,082
get four men
in here, Colonel?
127
00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:15,626
It would be easier
to send them
128
00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:17,294
the bleeding bomb
by parcel post.
129
00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,004
Four men, huh?
130
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:21,089
They've really
tightened up on security.
131
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:22,925
What's Klink trying
to prove, anyway?
132
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:25,594
He's trying to show
that major from Berlin
133
00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:26,929
how tough he can be.
134
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,764
All right,
so he's tough.
135
00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:30,349
He deserves a prize.
136
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:32,142
Wait a minute.
137
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:37,022
Wait one minute.
138
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,982
We'll give him a prize.
139
00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:41,652
How about something nice,
like a broken leg?
140
00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:42,986
May I assist?
141
00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:45,197
No, no prize, a medal.
142
00:06:45,239 --> 00:06:50,494
Colonel Klink is going to be
Kommandant of the Year.
143
00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:53,831
Stalag 13 is going
to be in the top ten,
144
00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:54,998
prison camp-wise, that is.
145
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:56,166
Just the diversion we want.
146
00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:57,167
We need a medal.
147
00:06:57,209 --> 00:06:59,253
What are the boys
in the iron shop doing?
148
00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:01,171
Making hand-grenade
paperweights.
149
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:03,340
Every third one is live.
150
00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:04,925
Gestapo men all
over Germany
151
00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:07,344
are getting a real
bang out of their mail.
152
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:09,054
Forget about
the paperweights.
153
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:11,682
We need an ornate medal--
a... a German eagle
154
00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,142
clutching a prisoner
of war by the throat.
155
00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:15,686
But friendly.
156
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:17,020
Get 'em
to work on it. Okay.
157
00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,188
We also
need a scroll.
158
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:19,857
Make it nice
and big and fancy,
159
00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:20,691
curlicues and stuff.
160
00:07:20,691 --> 00:07:21,859
Make it baroque.
161
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,402
You mean like cupids.
162
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,528
Why not?
163
00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:25,988
Cupids never hurt anybody.
164
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,489
Okay, cupids.
165
00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:29,032
Kinch, make contact
with the sub.
166
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,076
Right-o.
167
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,244
Lebeau, tell
the print shop
168
00:07:32,286 --> 00:07:34,204
we need some orders
from Burkhalter to Klink.
169
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:37,875
Orders? Now, how are we
going to get them to Klink?
170
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:39,209
A magician
like Newkirk?
171
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:42,004
He could pick your pockets
wearing boxing gloves.
172
00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:44,339
I've been that way
since birth, you know.
173
00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,049
By the way,
is this your coin?
174
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:47,050
Give me that.
175
00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:48,510
I found it
a little earlier.
176
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:13,577
There you are, mate.
I'm sorry about that.
177
00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:14,912
You are a...
178
00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:16,038
I'm too small.
I didn't see him. I couldn't help it.
179
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:24,963
Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan
requests permission to see you.
180
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,549
Later, Schultz.
I have no time for him now.
181
00:08:27,591 --> 00:08:30,260
Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan
requested me
182
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,721
to tell you it is urgent.
183
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,058
Really?
184
00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:37,267
Tell me, Schultz,
185
00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:40,395
which Colonel is running
this camp, Hogan or me?
186
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:41,480
I sometimes wonder.
187
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:42,898
Me, too, Herr Komman...
188
00:08:46,944 --> 00:08:49,446
I am the Colonel who will sign
your transfer
189
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:50,906
for the Russian front.
190
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:54,451
Boy, are you running the camp.
191
00:08:54,493 --> 00:08:56,578
Send him in.
192
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:06,964
Colonel Hogan,
I am very busy today--
193
00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:08,924
dispatches from Berlin.
What is it?
194
00:09:08,966 --> 00:09:09,925
I'm here to make
a complaint
195
00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:10,968
on behalf of my men.
196
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,637
Oh, a complaint.
197
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,097
Not sufficient entertainment,
perhaps?
198
00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:16,974
No, you're funny enough.
199
00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:19,434
Or the food you take
from German mouths.
200
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:22,563
I suppose you will prefer
some wine or some caviar?
201
00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:24,648
Matter of fact,
I'm very fond of caviar.
202
00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:26,984
I don't want to have you go
to any trouble,
203
00:09:26,984 --> 00:09:29,361
but if you should happen
to be near a post office
204
00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:31,530
when they transfer you
to the Russian front...
205
00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:36,660
Who said I was going
to the Russian front?
206
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,871
You heard something, Hogan?
207
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,372
I hear lots of things.
208
00:09:40,414 --> 00:09:41,915
Like my men complaining
209
00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:45,085
about that thing sitting out
there on the truck,
210
00:09:45,127 --> 00:09:47,504
containing highly volatile
explosives.
211
00:09:47,546 --> 00:09:49,840
That, Colonel,
is none of your business.
212
00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:54,845
Well, according to the Geneva
Prisoner of War Convention,
213
00:09:54,887 --> 00:09:58,515
"Prisoners of war shall not be
subjected to unusual danger."
214
00:09:58,557 --> 00:10:00,684
Page five, Chapter three,
Section four.
215
00:10:04,021 --> 00:10:06,857
I will decide what
is dangerous and
216
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:09,693
what is not dangerous
at Stalag 13.
217
00:10:09,735 --> 00:10:12,529
Colonel Hogan,
I'm a very busy man.
218
00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:14,364
You're dismissed.
219
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:15,991
Yes, sir.
220
00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:23,207
Hogan, wait.
221
00:10:27,503 --> 00:10:28,879
I can't believe it.
222
00:10:28,921 --> 00:10:32,132
A dispatch
from General Burkhalter.
223
00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:34,218
I have been named
Kommandant of the Year.
224
00:10:34,218 --> 00:10:35,677
Kommandant of the Year!
225
00:10:35,719 --> 00:10:36,720
Ja.
226
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,430
And Stalag 13
will be among the top ten
227
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,265
prisoner-of-war camps
in all of Germany.
228
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:41,600
I didn't know
they took a poll.
229
00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:42,935
Nobody asked me.
230
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,561
Congratulations, sir.
231
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:45,562
Danke.
232
00:10:45,604 --> 00:10:47,731
A Colonel Schneider
and his staff
233
00:10:47,773 --> 00:10:50,317
will be awarding a medal
and a scroll.
234
00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:52,277
A scroll.
That's pretty fancy.
235
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,446
Probably even have cupids on it.
236
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:55,739
Schneider.
Colonel Schneider.
237
00:10:55,781 --> 00:10:57,783
I don't know any Schneider
on Burkhalter's staff.
238
00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,701
Oh, Germany's just crawling
with Schneiders.
239
00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:00,827
Very common name.
240
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:01,787
Yes, I know, but...
241
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,956
I once knew a George Schneider
in Chicago.
242
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:04,915
He was a butcher.
243
00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:06,959
Had a thumb
that weighed a pound and half.
244
00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:13,382
Wilhelm Klink,
Kommandant of the Year.
245
00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:16,218
Has a good, nasty ring
to it, sir.
246
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:18,971
And why not?
247
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,097
I worked hard to get this.
248
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:21,682
I deserve it.
249
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:24,268
Stalag 13 should be
in the top ten.
250
00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:26,687
Colonel Schneider will arrive
tomorrow.
251
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:29,273
A formation of the command...
252
00:11:29,273 --> 00:11:31,275
Sir, request permission
for the prisoners to parade?
253
00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:32,860
Granted.
254
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:35,779
After all,
you belong to us, too.
255
00:11:35,779 --> 00:11:39,575
Just a simple ceremony,
presentation of the awards,
256
00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:41,702
and then back to the routine
257
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,496
that made us famous
here at Stalag 13.
258
00:11:44,538 --> 00:11:46,206
After your acceptance speech,
of course.
259
00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:49,126
Acceptance speech?
260
00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:50,294
Oh, nothing elaborate.
261
00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:51,295
Just a half an hour,
40 minutes.
262
00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:52,296
Just the essentials.
263
00:11:52,296 --> 00:11:54,089
But I'd leave out
the ugly incident
264
00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:56,049
with the Munich police,
if I were you.
265
00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:59,344
They never pressed changes.
266
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,470
I'm a soldier,
not a politician.
267
00:12:00,512 --> 00:12:01,346
I will not talk
for 30 minutes.
268
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,265
20.
269
00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:04,224
Split the difference.
270
00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:07,102
Talk for ten minutes,
just the highlights.
271
00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:08,937
Do you really feel
it's necessary?
272
00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:13,358
Don't you, General Klink?
273
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,236
I know what you mean.
274
00:12:19,281 --> 00:12:21,783
Colonel Hogan, this is
against regulations,
275
00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:24,995
but would you care
for a little schnapps in celebration?
276
00:12:24,995 --> 00:12:26,830
Thanks.
277
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:31,251
And what does it say
in your little Geneva book about that?
278
00:12:31,293 --> 00:12:32,628
Well, let's see.
279
00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,838
Schnapps?
280
00:12:34,838 --> 00:12:38,967
Here it is, page five,
Chapter four, Section one.
281
00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:41,929
"Only the good stuff."
282
00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:44,264
( chuckles )
283
00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:49,895
All right, you
got everything?
284
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:52,022
Map, walkie-talkie.
Oui, Colonel.
285
00:12:52,064 --> 00:12:53,982
All right, what's the
identification code?
286
00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:56,235
Hello, I am
the Big, Bad Wolf.
287
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,279
And they must answer,
"We are Little Red Riding Hood."
288
00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:01,114
It's terrible.
No imagination.
289
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,783
If you wanted
to be a writer,
290
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,243
go into Special Services.
291
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:12,709
All right, hurry it up
and be careful
292
00:13:12,751 --> 00:13:13,669
and good luck.
293
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:19,007
Big Bad Wolf calling
Red Riding Hood.
294
00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:21,051
Need your position. Come in.
295
00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:22,427
Come in, Red.
296
00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:30,352
Hey, Red Riding Hood,
stop fooling around.
297
00:13:30,394 --> 00:13:34,565
I'm waiting at M-14.
Where are you?
298
00:13:34,565 --> 00:13:37,484
Goldilocks to Big Bad Wolf,
what's the problem, Wolf?
299
00:13:37,526 --> 00:13:40,070
Can't find
Little Red Riding Hood,
300
00:13:40,112 --> 00:13:41,864
not at M-14. Need help.
301
00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:44,741
Carter, tell Schultz
one of our men is missing.
302
00:13:44,783 --> 00:13:45,909
Went over the wire.
303
00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:47,661
Right, Colonel.
304
00:13:48,912 --> 00:13:49,621
Hey, Schultz!
305
00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:50,581
Schultz!
306
00:13:50,581 --> 00:13:52,583
Schultz, come here.
307
00:13:55,294 --> 00:13:56,753
Schultz, the Colonel
just took count.
308
00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:57,754
There's a man missing.
309
00:13:57,796 --> 00:13:59,006
He went over the wire.
310
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:02,176
Not so loud.
You are waking everybody up.
311
00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,803
I thought you might
want the credit.
312
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:07,514
Oh, yeah. Danke.
313
00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:10,851
Achtung! Achtung!
314
00:14:10,893 --> 00:14:14,730
Prisoner went over the wire!
315
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:19,026
Report made
by Sergeant Schultz,
316
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:23,363
serial number
zwei, sieben, ach...
317
00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:25,032
( bell ringing )
318
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:27,576
( barking )
319
00:14:41,632 --> 00:14:43,467
What took you so long?
320
00:14:43,509 --> 00:14:45,677
Ecoutez-moi.
321
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:52,142
Commandos-- four parachutes.
322
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,852
( whistles )
323
00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:56,063
Comprenez?
324
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,606
Okay, find them.
325
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:03,987
Find them! Commandos!
326
00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:06,073
Ah, come on, you call yourselves
guard dogs
327
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:08,659
and you can't find
four lousy commandos?
328
00:15:11,328 --> 00:15:12,830
I'm ashamed of you.
329
00:15:14,832 --> 00:15:16,208
( dogs whining )
330
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:17,835
( barks )
331
00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:23,715
Little Red Riding Hood calling
Big Bad Wolf.
332
00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:25,509
Come in, Big Bad Wolf.
333
00:15:25,551 --> 00:15:26,301
Come in.
334
00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:28,011
Any luck?
335
00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,471
No, it's dead.
336
00:15:29,513 --> 00:15:31,515
Perhaps you can do something
with it, Dr. Schneider?
337
00:15:31,515 --> 00:15:34,768
No, no, no. We didn't use
walkie-talkies at Cal Tech.
338
00:15:34,810 --> 00:15:35,602
( dogs barking )
339
00:15:35,644 --> 00:15:37,896
Somebody's coming.
340
00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:46,280
( dog whining )
341
00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:47,906
Dr. Schneider, I presume.
342
00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:49,616
Don't move,
you're covered.
343
00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:52,953
I know it's hard to believe,
but I'm the Big Bad Wolf.
344
00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:55,789
Little Red Riding Hood.
345
00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:58,041
I suppose that's rather
hard to believe, too.
346
00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,335
I'm Corporal Lebeau, Stalag 13.
347
00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:01,044
How do you do?
348
00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:02,254
LEBEAU:
What happened?
349
00:16:02,296 --> 00:16:04,089
The wind blew
our chutes away from M-14
350
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:05,424
and the radio got smashed.
351
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:06,884
Write down what I tell you.
352
00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:10,679
Oh, may I see you
a little closer, please?
353
00:16:10,721 --> 00:16:11,972
Stand natural, please.
354
00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:14,224
No, hands at your side.
355
00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:15,392
Thank you.
356
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:18,645
15½.
357
00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:19,938
15½.
358
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:20,981
What's that for?
359
00:16:21,023 --> 00:16:22,024
German uniforms.
360
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:25,402
You're going into Stalag 13
tomorrow in a staff car.
361
00:16:25,444 --> 00:16:26,778
32½.
362
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,447
32½.
363
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,032
You like a belt
or suspenders?
364
00:16:30,073 --> 00:16:30,991
Suspenders.
365
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:34,119
Figured.
366
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:35,454
41½.
367
00:16:35,496 --> 00:16:36,538
41½.
368
00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:44,838
Kamerad! Kamerad!
369
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,590
Nicht schiessen!
370
00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:48,217
Come on. Start barking.
371
00:16:48,258 --> 00:16:50,219
You want them to think
you're pussy cats?
372
00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:19,081
Colonel Schneider?
373
00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:20,290
I'm Colonel Klink.
374
00:17:20,332 --> 00:17:22,417
It is a great honor
and privilege
375
00:17:22,459 --> 00:17:24,253
to welcome you to Stalag 13.
376
00:17:24,294 --> 00:17:26,296
Danke Schoen, Klink.
377
00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:29,550
My officers:
Captain Hockenburg,
378
00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:33,929
Lieutenant Brauer,
Lieutenant Smith... berg.
379
00:17:33,971 --> 00:17:38,141
Gentlemen, perhaps
a little refreshment
380
00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:40,227
before the ceremony, hmm?
381
00:17:40,269 --> 00:17:43,021
Jawohl. Excellent.
382
00:17:46,441 --> 00:17:47,901
So far, so good.
383
00:17:47,943 --> 00:17:50,696
Oui, but I wish
we had more time.
384
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:52,447
Why?
385
00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:55,576
Schneider's uniform
needs a little work around the collar.
386
00:17:57,244 --> 00:18:01,748
On behalf of General Burkhalter
and the Supreme Command,
387
00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:07,254
it is my pleasurable duty
to award you, Wilhelm Klink,
388
00:18:07,296 --> 00:18:12,676
this medal as Kommandant
of the Year.
389
00:18:12,676 --> 00:18:14,469
( men cheer )
390
00:18:24,021 --> 00:18:28,817
In addition, Colonel Klink,
it is my privilege
391
00:18:28,859 --> 00:18:31,486
to award you this scroll,
392
00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:34,615
designating your command,
Stalag 13,
393
00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:38,202
as one of the top ten camps
in all Germany.
394
00:18:38,243 --> 00:18:39,661
( men cheer )
395
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,500
Speech! Speech! Speech!
396
00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:46,835
Bravo! Bravo!
397
00:18:46,877 --> 00:18:49,213
Bravo! Bravo!
398
00:18:51,715 --> 00:18:52,424
( clears throat )
399
00:18:55,511 --> 00:18:59,681
As I look upon the sea
of smiling faces before me,
400
00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:02,226
I'm reminded of a story...
401
00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:08,565
Once upon a time,
there was a little boy
402
00:19:08,607 --> 00:19:11,735
who lived in his home town
of Dusseldorf.
403
00:19:11,735 --> 00:19:14,404
He was a handsome boy,
well liked
404
00:19:14,446 --> 00:19:17,699
by his fellow students
at the gymnasium,
405
00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:22,412
but he had one little problem--
406
00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:24,581
he was not a very good student.
407
00:19:24,623 --> 00:19:28,710
He could not pass his
examination for the law,
408
00:19:28,752 --> 00:19:29,545
for medicine,
409
00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:31,922
not even for bookkeeping.
410
00:19:31,964 --> 00:19:36,426
So, one day, his father said
to this little boy,
411
00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:41,598
"Son," he said, "you are
obviously good for nothing else,
412
00:19:41,598 --> 00:19:44,852
so why don't you join the army?"
413
00:19:44,893 --> 00:19:45,978
( laughs )
414
00:19:57,614 --> 00:20:01,493
Friends and enemies.
415
00:20:01,535 --> 00:20:02,703
( all laughing )
416
00:20:06,665 --> 00:20:08,083
Where are you going?
417
00:20:08,125 --> 00:20:09,084
Just going
to see the rocket.
418
00:20:09,126 --> 00:20:10,919
Oh, how nice.
What?
419
00:20:10,961 --> 00:20:12,963
I'll be right back
in just a minute.
420
00:20:12,963 --> 00:20:16,717
I see nothing!
Nothing!
421
00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:21,471
He came to see me play
my first soccer game.
422
00:20:21,513 --> 00:20:24,141
By the end of the half,
it was evident...
423
00:20:27,853 --> 00:20:29,104
Hogan.
424
00:20:29,146 --> 00:20:30,439
Oh, Colonel Hogan.
425
00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:32,024
Schneider?
426
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:36,653
You put it right there,
and when the bomb explodes,
427
00:20:36,695 --> 00:20:39,198
the concussion will fire
the rocket.
428
00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:43,160
It is teamwork that wins
the war.
429
00:20:43,202 --> 00:20:45,746
( all cheering )
430
00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:46,872
We've only got
a couple of minutes.
431
00:20:46,914 --> 00:20:47,331
Make it quick, huh?
432
00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:49,041
Right.
433
00:20:51,919 --> 00:20:56,507
And so I want to thank
each and every one of you
434
00:20:56,507 --> 00:20:58,383
for your cooperation,
435
00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:01,178
and I hope that in the future
436
00:21:01,178 --> 00:21:04,181
we may continue
to work together.
437
00:21:04,223 --> 00:21:07,392
ALL:
More! More! More!
438
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:08,602
Good?
439
00:21:08,644 --> 00:21:09,645
You're a smash!
440
00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:11,480
Give 'em a little bit more,
441
00:21:11,522 --> 00:21:13,315
as long as you
got 'em warmed up.
442
00:21:13,357 --> 00:21:15,526
Tell 'em about the time
you stole the girl
443
00:21:15,567 --> 00:21:17,194
away from Goering
at that party.
444
00:21:17,194 --> 00:21:19,029
Come on.
445
00:21:19,029 --> 00:21:20,697
It's going over
with a bang.
446
00:21:22,366 --> 00:21:25,702
One night my good friend
Field Marshal Goering
447
00:21:25,744 --> 00:21:29,039
brought a lovely fraulein
to our officers....
448
00:21:29,081 --> 00:21:34,878
Oh, Major Hauser.
449
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:35,921
I-I-I was just admiring
your rocket here.
450
00:21:35,963 --> 00:21:39,842
I worked on
the original model.
451
00:21:39,883 --> 00:21:41,677
...at the end of the evening,
she even asked me...
452
00:21:41,718 --> 00:21:47,683
Klink is a fine officer,
but hardly a great speechmaker.
453
00:21:47,724 --> 00:21:50,060
My feelings exactly.
454
00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:53,438
Allow me to show you
my baby.
455
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,690
Oh, some other time, Major.
456
00:21:54,731 --> 00:21:56,775
It will only take
one minute.
457
00:21:56,817 --> 00:21:58,694
That's all we have.
458
00:22:01,738 --> 00:22:06,076
In closing, I am reminded
of another little story
459
00:22:06,118 --> 00:22:08,537
which might be appropriate
at this occasion.
460
00:22:08,579 --> 00:22:11,915
It happened in 1938...
461
00:22:11,915 --> 00:22:15,836
Actually, sir,
the new type has many built-in safeguards
462
00:22:15,878 --> 00:22:17,963
against accidental firing.
463
00:22:18,005 --> 00:22:21,258
This device here,
for example,
464
00:22:21,258 --> 00:22:23,385
you cannot turn it
to the alert position
465
00:22:23,427 --> 00:22:25,762
unless all systems
are in working order.
466
00:22:25,762 --> 00:22:27,264
Here, let me show you.
467
00:22:27,306 --> 00:22:29,600
...as though nothing
had happened,
468
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,935
and we returned safely
to the base.
469
00:22:31,977 --> 00:22:35,439
I can even press the firing
button with complete safety.
470
00:22:46,283 --> 00:22:48,911
What happened?
471
00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:51,330
I think one
of your rockets is missing.
472
00:22:58,545 --> 00:23:01,215
Colonel, it is a catastrophe!
473
00:23:01,256 --> 00:23:03,926
It is a catastrophe,
Colonel!
474
00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:05,511
This is a catastrophe!
475
00:23:05,552 --> 00:23:08,514
My medal is missing!
476
00:23:08,555 --> 00:23:09,473
Don't worry, Colonel.
477
00:23:09,473 --> 00:23:10,224
We'll make you
a new one.
478
00:23:17,606 --> 00:23:20,859
The entire reputation
of Stalag 13 is destroyed.
479
00:23:20,901 --> 00:23:23,320
Colonel Schneider
is on his way to Berlin.
480
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:24,321
He will report
to General Burkhalter,
481
00:23:24,363 --> 00:23:26,281
Major Hauser will confirm
the report.
482
00:23:26,323 --> 00:23:28,408
Ah, all is lost.
483
00:23:28,450 --> 00:23:30,911
Oh, cheer up.
You still have me.
484
00:23:32,496 --> 00:23:33,622
Herr Kommandant!
485
00:23:33,664 --> 00:23:34,915
Not now, Schultz.
486
00:23:34,957 --> 00:23:37,000
The Russian front
at this time of year.
487
00:23:37,042 --> 00:23:38,418
I'm catching cold already.
488
00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:40,170
It's very important.
489
00:23:40,212 --> 00:23:42,548
I said not now, Schultz.
490
00:23:42,589 --> 00:23:43,966
Look, you could
always say
491
00:23:44,007 --> 00:23:45,676
the rocket was aimed
at England.
492
00:23:45,676 --> 00:23:47,427
Major Hauser
got a little loaded
493
00:23:47,469 --> 00:23:48,595
and pushed the button.
494
00:23:48,637 --> 00:23:51,181
Do you think a board of inquiry
is going to believe...?
495
00:23:51,181 --> 00:23:53,475
They might, they just might,
it's such an impossible lie.
496
00:23:53,517 --> 00:23:55,310
That's the best kind.
497
00:23:55,352 --> 00:23:57,521
Thank you for your suggestion,
Colonel Hogan.
498
00:23:57,563 --> 00:23:58,856
What are you doing here?
499
00:23:58,856 --> 00:24:01,900
I never went away,
Herr Kommandant.
500
00:24:01,942 --> 00:24:03,068
This is from Berlin.
501
00:24:03,110 --> 00:24:04,528
It is very hot!
502
00:24:04,570 --> 00:24:08,490
I told them not to bother me
with these things.
503
00:24:10,868 --> 00:24:15,622
No! You said aimed
at England, huh?
504
00:24:15,664 --> 00:24:16,498
Mm-hmm.
505
00:24:16,540 --> 00:24:17,875
For your information,
506
00:24:17,875 --> 00:24:20,377
half of the airfield
of Hamburg is missing.
507
00:24:20,419 --> 00:24:22,045
Destroyed.
508
00:24:22,045 --> 00:24:23,797
I must see
Major Hauser at once!
509
00:24:23,839 --> 00:24:25,424
Maybe he has
a better lie than yours.
510
00:24:29,845 --> 00:24:31,221
Another day,
another rocket.
511
00:24:31,221 --> 00:24:33,182
You said England.
512
00:24:33,223 --> 00:24:35,225
They made a big hole
in Hamburg.
513
00:24:35,392 --> 00:24:36,393
( clucks tongue )
514
00:24:36,435 --> 00:24:37,728
Naughty, naughty.
515
00:24:37,769 --> 00:24:39,396
What could I do,
Schultz?
516
00:24:39,396 --> 00:24:41,648
My aim is terrible
when I'm in a hurry.
517
00:24:41,698 --> 00:24:46,248
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