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Subtitles by explosiveskull

Hey, kid.

-They're ready for you. -Shit.

You might want to go clean up first.

Time's up, JD. Let's go!

Right this way, JD. Have a seat.

So, Betty, why don't you tell us exactly what happened?

Gladly.

I went with JD to Butcher's Bridge at approximately 9:08 p.m.

It was there that he tried to kiss me.

I pushed him away.

Then he attacked me.

Luckily, I escaped.

Then he...

Then he chased me through the woods,

ending in my backyard, where he attacked me again.

Obviously, he didn't succeed.

I'd say he stumbled away somewhere between 9:47 and 9:49.

So... you were with a boy.

Alone.

At night?

This handsome young man tried to kiss you?

Yes, he tried to kiss me.

-Why is that so hard to believe? -Betty.

Betty's been going through a lot lately.

She got an A minus.

Are you sure you didn't do something to make JD think it was okay?

She went somewhere alone with him.

I don't know what else he's supposed to think.

-And dressed like that. -That is not the point!

The point is that he is a psychopath

who tried to make out with me and then kill me.

Betty, sexual assault

-is a very serious accusation. -Yeah!

And Betty, we've all seen JD's girlfriend.

-Oh, Veronica. -She's the one who brought you in?

Betty's always been a bit jealous of her.

You know, she reminds me of a young Grace Kelly.

Okay, can we please just focus on the issue at hand here?

I am reporting an assault.

Betty, we're just talking about attempted murder here.

-No need to get dramatic. -JD attacked me!

That... that's the issue!

Doesn't look like he attacked you. You look fine.

Betty, look what you did to this poor young boy.

I mean, you need some Neosporin on that. I think I have some in my purse.

-Mom! No! -JD?

You want to tell your side?

Look at that, Betty. He's too shaken up to talk.

So, Betty, let me break this down.

You went to Butcher's Bridge alone with a boy who is your friend's boyfriend,

and then this boy right here made a pass at you.

-Then he attacked you... -Yes.

-But he's the one all beat up? -Yeah, because I kicked his ass!

-Betty, language. -Betty?

Are you sure that's what happened?

Yes.

God.

Then why would his girlfriend tell me she was with him all night?

-What? -She just left the station.

They were in a car accident.

Our boys were at the scene. He got real banged up.

What?! No, no. This is insane!

Well, that we can agree on. Mr. and Mrs. Finn,

I'm sure your daughter's a good kid, and if Mr. Dean here will agree

not to press charges, we can all make our separate--

I am the one who wants to press charges here!

Don't be ungrateful. Please thank JD.

This isn't over, you sicko! Bastard! The truth will come out!

No, let go of me! I'm telling the truth.

-She got an A minus. -I'm telling you, he's lying!

-Come on, come on, sweetie. -We're gonna go.

Let's go.

So then, am I free to go?

I'm so sorry, JD.

It's... it's fine.

I just hope that Betty gets the help that she needs.

I do, too.

Bud.

Oh, Jesus.

JD? Hi. Did you hear?

Betty Finn's parents sent her off to military school

under mysterious circumstances,

which means I'll probably be valedictorian now!

Why did my dad give me these thick thighs?

I've tried everything. I've tried thigh corsets, giving up solid food.

I even slept in boxers soaked in apple cider vinegar.

I heard he was with Betty.

Betty couldn't handle the pressure.

-She got an A minus. -A minuses will do that to you.

If I was her, and that handicapped, I would kill myself.

That is so...

Betty Finn wasn't in my Spanish class.

I heard Betty snorted a bunch of poppers, and then bam!

Fell face-first into her mom's prized rosebush.

Dope.

What the hell?

Thus, Founder's Day celebrates how General Westerburg

promised some tribe peace in exchange for Little Feather,

the slurpiest of their squaws,

but then slaughtered them all anyway.

Except for Little Feather, so it's actually kind of an epic love story.

And then the general took Little Feather on a European tour,

parading her ass as a civilized savage.

But tragedy struck,

and she caught syphilis and died before they got to France.

So, I guess the moral of the story is

if you're gonna let your man step out on you and give you a deadly STD,

at least wait until after Paris. Merci.

Unbelievable.

Meet me at lunch? Great.

Betty Finn?

No.

Word on the street is drugs.

She was ganked up on that good-good every which way till Sunday.

Then I say good riddance.

We don't need her brand of negative energy here at Westerburg.

You know, I suggest we take a moment

and sit with the fact that we haven't had a suicide in nine days.

-This is why we do this -Jesus Christ.

...clearly the message of my musical, Teenage Suicide: Don't Do It,

is reaching the youths.

Well, I don't know if a silly little play...

Pauline, this kind of thing is exactly why Richard left you.

Excuse me, but Helen Hippinowski's whore ass is why Richard left me.

Be an example, okay? Session's over.

-Maurice. -Hi, how are you?

No skating inside, please.

Veronica.

I texted you.

What, no smile today?

Sorry, just a lot of homework.

Okay, well, I think we're good.

They didn't believe Betty, so...

How just.

Babe, what's wrong?

Nothing.

I told you, I did it for you.

I do everything for you.

I know.

See you later?

It's going so well.

Juilliard is sending a scout to opening night.

-No way. -Yeah.

I want to keep my options open, though, you know?

-Sure. -Of course.

Hey.

We need to have a little t?te-?-t?te.

All right, you psycho. I'm cashing in my chips.

You owe me a big, fat favor.

Do I?

I want Lizzy gone.

She got the lead in the play, and worse,

she tarnished my personal brand.

Pass.

What?

You know what I've been thinking lately, Heather?

I've been thinking I might be invincible.

Like, I could get away with anything.

And as I recall,

I already got away with killing you once.

There's really no reason I couldn't get away with it again.

So yeah, your little game of playing dollhouse with me and Veronica...

that's over.

Where's Betty, JD?

I wonder what would happen if I told the police that you also assaulted me.

That would probably change things, right?

I mean, come on.

At a certain point, even the patriarchy has to put two and two together.

Love that you're leaning in, Heather,

but next time,

use a Tic Tac.

Just get rid of Lizzy.

Sorry, Heather, no can do.

Shit.

Mr. Waters, still mentoring the young women of Sherwood.

Ten dollars a song, nine if you don't talk to me about your wife.

I hear you know a guy.

I know plenty of guys.

A guy who can help me get something? Something untraceable?

Why should I help you?

Because I know your situation.

Mr. Duke's lawyer keeps you on a pretty tight leash, right?

It's such a shame.

All of that money, and just out of reach.

So, you must go to school with my step-bitch, Heather.

Know what I'm gonna do

as soon as Heather's human hospital smell of a father dies?

A naked cartwheel directly into Nordstrom's Rack.

But until then...

I don't know a guy. I know a woman.

They call her Dr. Destiny.

Dr. Destiny.

How dramatic.

What's life without a little drama?

Tell her Jade sent you.

I'm here to see Dr. Destiny?

Jade sent me.

Have a seat.

Deep breath.

Let's see who we have next.

Mom?

Let me take a good look at you.

-I need a... -I know what my son needs.

The question is...

what does my son need it for?

Does it matter?

"Does it matter?"

Why are you always pulling my dick?

Of course, it matters.

Everything matters.

Let me guess.

You think it's all meaningless, don't you?

Just random chaos?

Have you ever read Moby Dick?

I was supposed to, but...

I used to think that Moby Dick was about

how it's futile to rebel against authority.

The white whale will always win.

But now that I'm in a better place...

I know that that's not the point.

Save the speeches for Malcolm X.

I just want a gun.

I know.

I know.

What teenager wants to hear words of wisdom from their mother, right?

But JD...

JD...

I am not telling you

to stop searching for the whale.

I'm telling you to go out there...

and drain the ocean.

You're thinking too small, JD.

The takeaway here

isn't to go smaller because it doesn't matter.

It's to go bigger.

You do the same amount of time for killing one asshole

as you do a thousand assholes, right?

So, whatever you do...

make sure it matters.

Here.

It's on the house.

I don't need it where I am now.

Jealous much?

Lizzy?

I just wanted to let you know,

you're about the only person I respect in this school.

Heather Chandler tried to use you as a prop,

and then you turned her into a side table.

Something tells me you've had a lifetime of practice.

True. Who are you again?

Just a fan. I saw your rehearsal.

You've truly shined a light on Westerburg.

That's so sweet.

Arms out.

Come through. Stand aside for me. Arms out.

Gun! Gun!

Get off of me! I'm serious!

Everybody, back up! Back up!

What the hell is going on?

No, get off of me.

-Loaded. -No, that's not mine.

No, I swear, I wasn't...

"They will all pay for how they treated me."

That's not my gun.

No, that is not mine. Somebody gave that to me.

No, I swear! Think that I would bring a gun?

Heather, tell them I wouldn't bring a gun!

No!

I'm just so happy to be alive.

To think she was coming for me this whole time.

Oh, I think the note was actually directed toward all of us, Pauline.

I don't see what she'd want with you, Maurice,

but, you know, if that's what you need to process this...

You're a sick woman.

I heard her whole closet was filled with grenades

and she was gonna chuck them at us until we all exploded into a fiery mess.

Rad.

"Never tell a lie," says Ohio's biggest liar.

JD?

A word.

I know what you've been up to, JD.

You smell like cigarettes and beef jerky.

You're sleeping with my stepmom.

I really don't have time for this, Heather.

I don't know what kind of game you think you're playing, JD,

but trust me, your STDs are no match for her STDs.

Wow, okay. I am not sleeping with Jade, Heather.

Wait. Are you confronting me about this

-because you're concerned for Veronica? -No.

Is Heather Duke showing concern for her friend?

How dare you?

Okay.

Fine.

Just...

promise me you'd never break Veronica's heart.

I promise, Heather.

Good.

Because I've invested a lot in blouses this season,

and I can't have her ruining them by crying her dollar-store mascara

onto my well-tailored shoulder.

Sorry, your bruise is bugging me.

Your eyes are so empty.

Jealous.

Oh, you can do better than that, Dad.

I wouldn't want to hurt my son.

Pain is what makes us stronger.

Is that what your failed generation believes?

At least we believe in something.

Like lies.

Just like all our founding fathers.

Better than nothing at all.

Is it?

Aren't you supposed to be the generation that changed a nation founded on lies?

And then we had to get jobs, unlike you.

That little girlfriend of yours is making you weak.

She's already cracking the whip, huh?

At least with your mom, it took a few years before...

she lopped my balls off.

I love our quality time, JD.

I'll be in my room.

-JD? -Veronica.

-Your dad let me in. -What's wrong?

Look.

-Who's doing this? -I'll take care of her.

Oh, Heather.

Heather, I know you're in here.

This explains so much.

Oh, shit.

Wondering why it smelled like a boy band tour bus in here!

What are you doing in my house?

Shit.

We had a deal, Heather!

And what does that have to do with you breaking into my house, you psycho?

I already killed you once. I really hate having to repeat myself.

Burn, bitch.

Come on, Heather. Say one of your clever burns and finish me.

Gladly.

Ah, the irony of killing you with your own second-place trophy.

-What the hell do you want? -I want you to stop texting me!

Texting you?

JD, I would never darken my contacts with your phone number.

Shit.

It wasn't you.

Oh, my God. Literally everybody is obsessed with me.

What is...

What the...

"Dear Diary, by now, if everything's gone according to plan,

JD should be reading this.

If only he'd even once stopped and looked at things from my point of view,

I wouldn't have to do this.

But he didn't.

And so now he's left me no choice.

I thought he was different, Diary.

I thought JD could see that...

I wasn't just some nobody,

some nothing.

I thought he saw...

the real Veronica Sawyer.

But he did what everyone does to me,

just see what they want to see.

The sweet girl, the relatable girl,

the girl that you can see yourself in.

Well, fuck that.

I'm not here for you, I'm not here for them,

and I am certainly not here for some stupid guy.

And if only JD had paid attention,

he'd know what I was capable of,

but instead, he chose to kiss Betty fucking Finn, and then worse,

lie about it, just like General Westerburg.

A lie is a lie is a lie,

and if JD thought that guy had to pay for being a liar

by blowing up his stupid statue...

then JD should have to pay for being a liar too."

You shouldn't have lied about kissing Betty.

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