All language subtitles for Happily Divorced s02e22 Happily Divorced With Children.eng

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Happily Divorced is shot
before a live audience

and based on what actually
happened to me.

Hey, Judy, look
at these new shoes that I got

for the honeymoon.

And they were on sale,
because one's a 6 1/2

and one's a 7.

Fran, you're an 8.

You're gonna lose
the circulation in your feet.

Oh, no,
it'll be all right.

I plan to have them elevated for
most of the honeymoon anyway.

Look, you can't even tell.
No one would ever know.

You know, your shoes
are two different sizes.

No one who wants to have sex
with me will ever know.

Miss Fran,
you remember my son?

Oh, of course.

- Hi...
- Emilio.

Emilio.

Can you at least say hello
to miss Fran?

How are you?
How have you been?

Hey.

Wow, look how handsome
and grown-up you've gotten.

What are you,
like 21, 22?

- Judy.
- Let the man answer.

Emilio, could you put these
away for me?

Did you see the eye roll?

You want to hear
an annoying sigh?

Take the box too!

[Sighs]

Cesar, what's going on?

You tell me.
He used to confide in me.

Now all he does is grunt.

Why won't he tell me
what's going on?

Well, not for nothing,

but why don't you try
not screaming at him?

Because it doesn't work!

Oh, Fran may be right.

You might not be communicating
with him in the right way.

Yeah, sure, it's easy
to give advice

when you don't have kids.

Well,
we may not have children,

but it doesn't mean
that we can't be parental.

Besides, me and Elliot
would love to have a baby.

Oh, right.
He knows how old you are.

Does he?

You know, sometimes I just
want to lock him in his room.

Cesar, bad idea.

My dad tried to keep me
under his thumb,

and I rebelled...
Became a real bad boy.

Remember Scarface?

Guess who snuck in
without paying?

It's a slippery slope.

You got to trust us
on this one.

Yeah.
Let me see the boy.

Where is he? Emilio.
I'll figure out

what's wrong with him.
It's probably a girl thing.

You know your shoes
are two different sizes?

Not a girl thing.

[Bubbly music]

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

Judy, take Emilio
into the kitchen.

I've got mac and cheese
in the fridge.

Cesar, we need to talk
to you about something.

Fran, we are not sure.

Thanks, but I don't do sugar,
carbs, or trans-fats.

Cesar, we have to talk
to you about something.

Ah, come on.

So you got any friends
with cute daddies

trapped in unhappy marriages?

Cesar, we think we know
what the problem is.

Yeah, he's a 16-year-old
pain in the ass.

It's a little more complicated
than that.

Yeah, we think that,
when Emilio grows up,

he's gonna have
the same interests as Peter.

Oh, my God,
you mean he wants

to be a realtor
in this market?

No, no, no, we think

that maybe he's not attracted
to girls.

Are you saying you think
my son is gay?

Little bit.

Really?
I don't know.

You know, he plays
an awful lot of sports.

Both: Oh?

But he also has
a lot of friends

that are overweight girls.

Both: Oh!

But under his bed
we found a playboy.

Both: Oh?

But we also
found a playbill.

Both: Ahh.

Wow. How could I miss
something like this?

Oh, don't feel bad.

You're an excellent parent.

We're just better.

Cesar,
you're gonna love Emilio

no matter who he is, right?

Oh, of course,
Mr. Peter.

Gay sons are very good
to their parents.

And I don't trust our daughter

to take care of us
in our old age.

She can be very bitchy.

Knock, knock, neighbors.

I have a situation.

Neil, if it's about the dent
in your bumper,

it was already there
when I hit it.

This is not about the car.

My 16-year-old daughter

is on a break
from boarding school.

I need somebody
to keep an eye on her.

I can't ask
any of my lady friends,

because, well, you know...

She fights with girls
her own age?

Please don't make
any comments like that

while you're watching Sarah.

And what makes you think

that I'm gonna
watch your kid?

The $500 check you gave me
for this property

that you're on just bounced.

Well, the money was in there
when I wrote it.

Yes, but, you see,
it has to stay in there.

That's how checks work.

Well, I don't understand.

There was plenty of money
when I bought these...

So Sarah's her name?

Yes, and she's very quiet
and sweet

and hardly says a word.

So please use
your inside voice

so you don't scare
the crap out of her.

Okay, Emilio, we have to make
these deliveries now.

Do I have to?

[Speaking Spanish]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Cesar.

Emilio, why don't you just hang
out here with us today?

Oh, that's a great idea,

because then the kids
will have each other.

He's sullen, she's mute,

we won't even know
they're here.

Yeah, we're gonna talk
and chillax.

Chillax?

Yeah, that's a combination
of chill...

I know.

This is great.

Sarah's gonna have
a little friend for the day.

Oh, lovely.
A moment?

I am not having
that walking hormone

anywhere near
my little girl.

[Whispering indistinctly]

Are you sure?

'Cause apparently you're not
the best judge of these things.

Fool me once...

Well, I don't know the rest,
but you get the point.

Hey, Sarah, come on out.

I want to see how it looks.
[Gasps]

I don't know.

I usually don't wear things
this short.

Well, don't you think
your boyfriend's gonna love it?

I don't have a boyfriend.

Well, do you want one?

Look at this.
You're a beautiful young woman.

This is a great outfit.

I would wear it.

Yeah, but you're like 35.

Oh, I am so loving you
right now.

So what do you think?

I like it, but the first one
you found for me

was a silkier sort of material.

Well, that's an Emilio Pucci.

I know that
because my name's Emilio.

Yeah.
That's why.

Listen, you have
a really good eye for fashion

and for aged balsamic vinegars,

all of which
is completely normal.

Do you know what I'm saying?

No, not really.

Okay, look,
when I say Chicago,

do you think Cubs
or Chita Rivera?

Hey, fellas,
doesn't Sarah look beautiful?

This is fantastic.

You just need some opaque tights
and a felt hat.

That's exactly
what I was going to say.

Oh, like father's boss'
ex-husband, like son.

You know, I really feel
like I'm getting through to her.

Her father
treats her like a baby,

but I'm treating her
like a woman.

Mm-hmm, and, Franny,
I am so close

to getting Emilio to just open
up and finally come out.

Oh.

You see what
we're doing here?

We're teaching them to be
comfortable being themselves.

- Oh, Petey, we did good.
- Yeah.

We would have made
great parents.

And you know why?

Because we have
great instincts.

We do.
We do.

What the hell
is happening over there?

Wow.

I still can't believe
Emilio is straight.

And how
about that little slut Sarah?

Listen, you think
it would be okay

if we didn't mention to my dad
what happened today?

- Please?
- Oh, we're cool.

We're not gonna narc you out.

Yeah, Sarah,
that would be whack.

Why don't you take those
groceries into the kitchen

and unpack them?

At least they're good
for something.

Hey, Emilio, now that you've
come to terms

with your heterosexuality,

when it comes to the chicks,
you just gotta remember

your three rs...
Respectful,

- reliable, and...
- Rubbers.

No, I was gonna say
responsible,

but it's more or less
the same thing.

I get it.
It's cool.

Great.
Put her right...

We're cool.

We're here.

And we brought presents
for the kids.

What do they like
to play with?

Each other.

They're 16 years old, ma.

So I schlepped this here
for nothing?

- Oh.
- Oh, it's

a my first little oven.

I always wanted one of these.

I used to dream of making
my own Asian peanut sauce

and cherry lady fingers.

See, daddy, you did make
a little boy happy.

We're gonna get the rest
of the groceries out of the car.

Oh, good,
thank you.

Hey, kids.

We're Nana and Poppie.

And if you have any drawings

or anything we could put up
on the refrigerator...

Ma, they're not
your grandkids.

Who's gonna know?

Oy.
They grow so fast.

Too fast.
We turned our backs on them

for two minutes, and already
they were making out.

You just thank God
that she's not like you.

Stealing our car,
taking off with a boy,

stumbling in at 2:00 A.M.

Smelling of Bartles & Jaymee,

wearing a bra
like earmuffs.

Look, it was cold.

I lost my hat.

Well, that's not all you lost
that night.

Well, Sarah's lucky.

Because she has a person
in her life

who communicates
with her.

Here's how I used
to communicate

with your boyfriends...

Hand, back of the head.

Oh, daddy,
that is so old school.

We have a much more progressive
style of parenting.

Plus, we don't want
to get arrested.

Everything's illegal now.

That's why the Chinese
are taking over.

Glen, you'd be surprised
at how receptive kids are

if you just talk to them
when they make a mistake.

We would talk to her.

We just didn't give a crap
what she was saying.

Well, parenting has evolved.

You got
to learn their language,

be their friend.

We know
what we're doing.

I hope so, because your
friends just stole Fran's car.

What?
Oh, Peter, we got to stop them.

He better come back with that
$70 bottle of virgin olive oil.

He better come back
with two virgins.

Oh, Peter, we can't keep
driving around aimlessly

like this.
Now think.

You're a 16-year-old boy.

You're horny.
Where do you go to have sex?

Uh, a quaint
little bed and breakfast

overlooking the lighthouse
at hyannis port.

All right.
I'm 16.

I've got money in my pocket.

Oh, my God, they're smoking
a doobie in Judy's basement.

Would you calm down?

I can't.
Neil's gonna kill us.

We didn't do anything wrong.

We're the ones
that put those two together.

We're like their pimps.

Put your brights on.

Maybe I could see better.

[Horn honking]

Oh, shut up, I am cruising
around looking for children.

- Peter.
- I know.

That really didn't sound right
at all.

It was a big mistake
being friends with her.

This is what happens
when you have a kid

so close to your own age.

It's all my fault.

Oh, sweetie, no,
it's my fault.

- Okay.
- Okay?

What do you mean, okay?
How is it my fault?

Well, you're the idiot
that let a 16-year-old boy

go into a dressing room
with a half-naked girl.

Well, if someone were
less concerned about being

a teenager's BFF, which
incidentally sounded moronic

coming out
of a 50-year-old mouth...

She said I was 35.

She also said, "hey, let's go
to king burger."

She is dyslexic.

Why couldn't you have been
the one that went missing?

I mean, at least
then I could have found you

- on the Facebook.
- Whoa.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know,
it's just so nauseating.

Every 30 seconds you're posting
another stupid picture.

"This is me without my shirt on.

"This is me without my shirt on
in a hat.

This is me without my shirt on
at dusk."

You know, Frannie, I am
this close to unfriending you.

Oh, my God.
I friended Emilio this morning.

Get my phone.
Pull up his profile.

See if there are any new posts.

Please, his hands
are too busy.

There is a post
from seven minutes ago.

- Who?
- Oh, my God.

They're half-naked
in Neil's jacuzzi.

Wait, they stole your car
to go next-door?

You know,
nobody walks in L.A.

We'll cut across the patio.
It'll be faster.

What are you guys
still doing here?

We just wanted to see
your face when you figured out

the kid just moved your car to
send you on a wild goose chase

so he could make out
with the girl next-door.

Well, why didn't you
tell us that

before we went
on the goose chase?

Oh, didn't we?

Well, I guess we're the kind
of parents that don't know

how to communicate.

Come on.

[Gasps] Oh, well, if it isn't
Bonnie and Clyde.

- Who?
- What?

We trusted you.

How dare you steal our car?

What is wrong with you?
Get out of there right now.

I really can't right now.

Sarah!
Where are you?

Oh, no,
there's your father!

- Get out of there.
- I'll text you.

Stop it, stop it,
stop it.

Get away from her.

- Stay away from her.
- Where are you, darling?

Neil, hey,
long time, no see.

Liking the look.

Loving the manscape.

Uh, thank you?

Hey, Neil.

Oh, look,
isn't this nice?

Everybody's in.

Yeah, just me, your daughter,
and her new gay best friend.

Hey.

Neil, we were just
about to grill some burgers.

No, sweetie, you remember,
I was saying

that we were out of buns.

Maybe Neil will go to the store
and get us some buns.

I've got some buns
in the fridge.

Oh, well, how
about some Hawaiian bread then,

and pineapple chutney?

Actually, I've got all that.

You do?
Well, screw me.

You know, Sarah,
this is the first time

I've ever seen you
in this jacuzzi.

Oh, Sarah's had a lot
of firsts today.

We've had a blast.

Oh, well, that's great,
'cause I was thinking

about having Sarah spend
the whole summer here with me.

Really, daddy?
'Cause I would love that.

Yeah, that's perfect,

because Sarah volunteered
to work

in my flower shop
six days a week.

And on Sunday she's going
to deliver to hospitals

and senior homes.

- She did?
- I did?

You did.

Well,
that's very outgoing.

What's gotten
into my sweet little angel?

- Nothing.
- No one.

All right, I'll go
and get us some wine.

Awesome.
You're gonna be here all summer.

Yeah, but you won't.
You're gonna be spending

your summer sitting with Peter

trying to sell
liberace's old house.

That's right.

You're going
to straight boy jail, mister,

and I'm the warden.

Boy, that didn't come out right
either.

Okay, we're good here.

Say, do you prefer red
or white?

Were you in there
with your clothes on?

Well, yes, I was.

You know, there's children
in there.

I'm not their friend.
It would be inappropriate

for me to be in there
with anything less.

I don't know how they do it
in your country.

So, wait a minute, you're
saying my son is straight?

Look, it just teaches you
not to jump to conclusions.

But you're the ones who said
you knew what the problem was.

- Oh, what do we know?
- We don't have kids.

Don't listen to us.

My wife was so excited

she finally had someone
to shop with.

Great.
Now, for the rest of my life,

I'm gonna be the one

stuck outside
that stupid dressing room

holding her purse.

Thanks a lot.

- Well, you know, Frannie...
- Hmm.

With the kids
out of the house,

at least I had time
to try out that new recipe.

What's your favorite type
of cake?

- Devil's food.
- Voila!

Oh, Petey, you used
your new my first little oven.

I did.

Don't fill up. I have
a pizza margherita coming.

Mm, okay.

- Just a sliver.
- Okay.

You know, Petey,
I really enjoyed myself today.

- Yeah?
- It was nice being a mommy,

helping an awkward little girl
out of her shell.

Mm, I got to admit,

- it was fun being a dad.
- Aw.

Teaching my boy
how to throw a...

Brunch.

Well, you know,
it's not too late for us.

I mean,
we both could still do it.

- No, we can't.
- No friggin' way.

My knees are swollen,
my neck hurts, I'm not doing it.

It's absolutely ridiculous.

You know, I've still got
to get to the gym.

[Sighs]

Well, I'll tell you,
Cesar was right about one thing.

Without kids, who's gonna take
care of us when we're old?

Well, I'm marrying Elliot.

That's true.
He's got a lot of money.

He'll take care of us.

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

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