Original subtitles

Happily Divorced is shot

before a live audience,

and based on what actually happened to me.

Oh, God, all these gorgeous guys.

Must be so hard for Judi working here,

knowing not one of them is interested in her.

Yeah, poor freakin' Judi.

Whoa, Fran, who is the last person

from college you expect to see in a gay bar?

You?

Oh, my God.

Is that Tony, Judi's ex-boyfriend?

Now it all makes sense.

This the reason Tony broke Judi's heart in college.

Now why couldn't he have just been honest with her back then?

Yeah, sweetie, he's the black you.

- Fran? - Peter?

- Hey! - Hey!

- Hi. - Hey, Tony.

- Good to see you. - How are you?

Oh, my God.

What's it been? Like, 20 years?

Yes, God!

Well, you guys haven't changed a bit.

Thanks.

Well, he has.

He came out a few years ago.

You didn't know this guy was gay in college?

Well... He wasn't gay then.

Right?

I gotta say... Still sexy as ever.

Oh, well, thank you, Tony.

I'm talking about Judi.

Oh, Judi.

He's here to see Judi, Peter.

I heard him, Fran.

God, after all these years,

you know she's still on my mind?

Really?

I've been trying to get in touch with her,

and I see her name in the paper,

and here I am.

Judi is gonna be so excited to see you, Tone!

Why on earth would Judi be so excited to see Tone?

Look at him.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I am seeing someone

that I have not seen in forever!

Tony Foxx.

Hey, you.

Hey, baby.

You know what, I'm gonna dedicate

this next song to you.

Oh, I smell love.

? I ?

? Bust the windows out your car ?

? And no it didn't mend my broken heart ?

? I'll probably always have these ugly scars ?

? But right now I don't care about that part ?

? I bust the windows out your car ?

Hey, lovebirds! Smile!

? She was certain ?

? That he was her one and only ?

? But their union always seemed ?

? A little forced ?

? She got married anyway ?

? Turns out that he was gay ?

? They're still in love ?

? But now she's Happily Divorced ?

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD

Judi, this is so exciting.

How long has it been since you two saw each other?

Well, I haven't seen him

since he took me to see fatal attraction,

and then he left me

to see if the snack bar had any goobers.

Did they?

You know, you are so cute when you're angry?

You should have seen her

the night you went to get those goobers.

Oh, wait, you couldn't, because you never came back.

What are you so angry about?

What, are your man-spanx riding up?

Look, Judi, I feel really bad

about the way I left things.

And I have no excuse other than the fact

- that I was young and dumb. - Huh.

That's why I've been looking for you.

It's just that, baby, you're hard to find.

Yeah, well, I have dated a few crazies

that force me to move around a lot.

You know what, I have a knack

for attracting bums, the unemployed,

and old white dudes trying to complete their bucket lists.

Did our four years together mean nothing to you?

Oh, come on, baby, look.

America just gave a brother a second chance.

Can't you?

Oh, I forgot how clever and funny...

And cute he'd look in your bed.

Okay.

Let me go get us a bottle of cristal.

- Uh-uh. - Uh-uh.

He thinks that if he buys me

an expensive bottle of champagne,

that my panties are just gonna drop to the floor.

That son of a bitch... Knows me so well.

- Judi. - What?

You are vulnerable and horny.

And maybe I've been watching too much Wendy Williams,

but that is a recipe for ho-cake.

Peter, let Judi make her own decisions.

Listen to me.

Go for it. A man can change.

A man can't change. Shut up, Fran.

Remember, Elliot changed too.

Everybody said that Elliot was not for me,

including Elliot, and now, look!

If you do this, you'll be making

the same mistake you made last time.

Oh, I can't make the same mistake.

You can only give up your virginity once-ish.

You know, I'm sorry it took so long,

but I stopped at the corner store

to get you some goobers.

Aww.

Wow.

After 20 years,

the box has gotten so much bigger.

I, uh, wouldn't advertise that if I were you.

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Cesar, you're supposed to be working.

Well, I have a very good excuse.

You're not supposed to be here.

Why aren't you at the gym with miss Judi?

Well, I already lost ten pounds.

You know, I was honest with you.

Why can't you be honest with me?

Did Judi call?

She was a no-show at the gym.

She hasn't answered any of my texts.

And I know she's probably fine with this new guy in her life,

but I'm getting a little worried.

A new guy? What happened to Ricardo?

The I always hear her telling you about.

He's so strong and powerful,

and always takes her where she wants to go.

Ricardo is her shower massage.

What?

I don't even want to know who Javier is.

Uh, hey, Jude. It's me... Fran.

Listen, you know, I haven't heard from you

in a couple of days,

so could you shoot me a text or buzz me,

just to let me know that...

Those uggs at woodland hills

are, uh, in stock.

Thank you so much, Jolene.

I'm thinking of doing these homemade empanadas

on friday night when Judi and Tony come over.

Have they confirmed?

No, they haven't confirmed.

Would you back off?

Listen, Peter,

when you finally get a man in your life,

and you go running over to him on your walker,

you won't be returning my calls so fast either.

When are you getting married already?

Peter, Judi is fine.

Stop texting her every five minutes.

- I'm not doing that. - Well, neither am I.

So we haven't heard from her in three days.

- So what? - Big deal.

Three days, you haven't heard from her?

She calls you back when you haven't even called,

to find out why you haven't called.

Oh, boy.

Does this sound familiar?

Let's flash back to 1987.

Mullet.

Thinner.

Straight.

No. Tony dumped Judi.

We didn't hear from her for days.

Then we found her on her dorm room floor

in a puddle of vodka and cheese whiz.

Well, oh, my God, Peter,

you're not telling me that you want us to schlep

all the way over to Judi's house

just to check up on her.

I don't think we have to do that.

Oh, all right, stop pushing me.

I'm not pushing you. I just said...

Enough already. We'll go, Peter.

I've got her keys right here.

All right, we'll go!

By the way, I thought you loved my mullet.

Yeah, well, I thought you loved my vagina.

- Oh, my... - Oh, my God.

Call 911! Call 911!

What!

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell are we doing?

We... uh, we were...

In the neighborhood. We were...

And, uh, then we, uh,

didn't hear back from you about the dinner party friday night.

That's right.

And are you coming?

Can we talk about this another time?

Like when I'm wearing some pants?

Ab... abso... Of course we can.

Well, we'll see you at 7:30.

I can never pull it together by 7:30.

Are you nuts?

I'm not gonna be cooking at 8:00, because...

Are you people serious?

Bye bye!

Oh, my God. I'm dying.

I know! Did you see those pecs?

He was like a Nubian God.

Have you not made any new friends since college?

Hey, guys. Where's Tony?

Oh, he's meeting me here.

Mm. Something smells good.

Well, how far away is he?

Obviously, the man has no idea

how temperamental a corn souffle can be.

That's because he's straight, Peter.

Oh, I have to say, Fran, this has been

the best week of my life.

Oh, Judi, I'm so happy...

That I was so right.

No, seriously, Fran.

You know how you're always talking nonstop about Elliot,

and it makes me want to throw up and feel bad about myself.

Uh-huh

well, I don't feel that way anymore.

Judi got a man, bitches!

All right, dinner's ready. Still no Tony?

Not yet.

Well, we have to eat this

in the next five minutes!

It's not my rule. It's Martha Stewart!

Calm down... my baby's just running a little late.

He's coming.

He's not coming!

Oh, Judi.

Maybe the San Diego freeway is just backed up.

To where? New Jersey?

Sorry, Judi.

That was my ruined souffle talking.

I can't believe I let Tony do this to me twice.

I'm such a dumb ass.

Oh, don't beat yourself up.

The man wasn't good enough for you.

No...

But he was!

He didn't deserve a girl as wonderful as you.

No...

But he does!

Judi, stop it.

So you used a little bad judgment.

Look at it like a life lesson.

Next time you meet a guy

that makes you feel all hot and bothered,

maybe you won't go for it so fast.

Maybe this heartache happened for a reason.

Yeah.

You!

Me?

I was all ready to freeze Tony out,

and you were all like...

"Go for it, Judi.

People change."

Judi, let's be fair.

Fran's heart was in the right place.

But she was wrong.

Frannie, you pushed me!

Not pushed... Encouraged.

Those are two very different things.

- Oh, yeah? - How so?

Well...

I wasn't expecting a follow-up question.

You know what? Forget this.

Forget y'all! Forget him!

Judi!

Well, I hope she doesn't "bust the windows out your car."

And now, I'm alone again.

And I hate my best friend.

I don't know why I always keep listening to Fran.

Neither do I, darling.

She's not the brightest bulb on the menorah.

Hi, mom.

Why are you here?

Well, my parents live here.

Why are you here?

Because I needed some love and motherly comfort.

So why are you here?

Oy, there's two of them now?

What are we running here?

A home for lost girls who are past their prime?

Judi, I'm sorry about Tony,

but I just wanted you to find your soul mate like I have.

Ma, tell her that the way things turned out with Tony

isn't my fault.

I'm not gonna do that.

You're both like my daughters.

What do you mean, "like"?

And, Judi, darling. It's all your fault.

Thank you.

You took relationship advice

from a woman who slept with a gay man for 18 years.

We expect better from you, Judi.

You were always the smart one.

Now, I understand that you're middle aged and reckless,

but there's an old saying...

"Don't crap where you eat."

Ma, that has nothing to do

with what we're talking about now.

You get what you pay for.

You know, he just spit me out

like a piece of gum that lost its flavor.

And just like last time,

I didn't have a chance to tell him

what an ass he is.

Well, do it now, Judi.

Go over to him and tell him

what you wanted to tell him 20 years ago.

That I love him and I want to have his babies?

Oy, we should have stopped after one.

No. This is your chance.

Go to Tony and aim your anger at him

instead of the one person who loves you so much

that she chose bridesmaids dresses

that aren't off the shoulders,

because my mother said your shoulders aren't that great.

What's wrong with my shoulders?

Nothing...

That a puff sleeve wouldn't hide.

Why am I here?

Right?

Judi, this is gonna be very cathartic for you.

Are you ready?

Oh, yeah. I'm ready to do this.

- Just a minute. - Oh, don't give me

"just a minute." Open the damn door.

You go, girl! Do the right thing!

Fight the power!

One too many.

Tony, come out here!

And let me tell you, I am not above

putting sugar in your gas tank,

having your utilities cut off, and ruining your good credit!

Yeah, she thought she knew you!

Well, she's moving on. She's met a new man.

She's getting married to a big record producer, and...

Uh, my moment, Fran?

Sorry, must be working out some personal issues.

Tony, get your ass out here, you coward!

Who are you? Who is that?

Oh, my God.

What happened?

Looks like Mr. Foxx had a heart attack

on the treadmill sometime yesterday afternoon.

Judi! He didn't dump you.

He died!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Can you take me to him?

Yes, yes. It's okay, it's okay.

- We're here. - Okay.

- We're here. - You're gonna be fine.

Oh, God. It's an open casket.

Peter, get a grip.

Oh, God, I've never seen a real-live dead body.

Aww.

Look at Tony.

He looks so peaceful.

He wouldn't look so peaceful if he knew

they made him look like little Richard.

I want to look so bad, but I know I can't.

We could have had it all, Fran.

We should have had it all, Fran!

Tony was the love of my life.

Better to have loved and lost

than to have loved and still have him living in the den.

I'm so sorry, Tony.

I can't believe that I even doubted you.

Why did you have to come back into my life

only to leave me again?

Oh, Tony!

Why?

Oh, you poor thing.

How did you know my husband?

Your what?

- Okay, it's time to go. - Married?

Did she just say he's married?

You think you were gonna come back into my life,

and think you were gonna get away with it?

You have got to be out of your mind!

Is he crazy?

Thank you. It was a lovely affair.

That's good, Judi.

Clear the air of all of Tony's bad energy.

Doesn't smell like sage.

It better not, for what it cost.

Well, on the upside... Anybody?

I got one. You know what?

I realized something.

The reason why men never ask me out

is not because I'm desperate, needy, or getting old.

It's because I was obsessed with Tony for 20 years.

I mean, men sense that.

That's why I never date. That's why I'm alone.

Okay.

And you know, there is something good

that I can get from all of this.

You know, finally, I feel like I can love again.

Like I'm alive.

Unlike Tony.

Sorry.

That's really good sage.

Well, I'm glad something positive

came out of this, Jude.

So... In the end, it turns out.

- I was right to push you... - Fran, Fran.

Okay.

No, no, no, no, Peter. Fran is right.

I mean, I would not have gotten to this place without Fran.

- Hmm. - I was obsessed with Tony.

I mean, his chiseled face, his washboard abs,

his suckable lips.

I swear, if that beautiful man called me tonight, I would...

He's not gonna call you, Judi.

Did we move?

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