All language subtitles for Happily Divorced s02e06 Newman vs Newman.eng

Happily Divorced is shot
before a live audience.

I'd like to propose a toast
to the amazing, loving,

supportive, beautiful...

- Oh, stop.
- Dori.

Oh!

Why don't you just move in
with her?

[Laughs]

No, I'm serious.
Move in with her.

Peter, sweetheart,
it's no big deal.

No big deal?

This is the lady
who hooked me up with a client

who is looking to buy
a multimillion dollar house.

Oh, is he single?

Fran, he's 75.

Is he single?

No, it's her old friend,
Gary Cassitore.

Gary Cassitore?

Oh...
Gary Cassitore?

Am I pronouncing it wrong?
Is there a problem?

You're still in touch
with that punk?

- Oh, don't start ag...
- Okay, everybody calm down.

What did you do?

All I said
was "Gary Cassitore."

Don't say that name
in my house.

What are you?
A moron?

Darling,
you did nothing wrong.

- He's just an old friend.
- An old boyfriend.

And there goes my commission.

I saw him
on the Facebook,

we befriended each other,
and then he poked me.

It's a Facebook thing, Daddy.
It's a Facebook thing.

He posted at
he was looking to buy a house.

You see, Daddy?
That's all that happened.

Mom went online,
contacted Gary

to introduce him to Peter.

[Laughs]
Over coffee.

Not helping.

She knows
how I feel about Cassitore.

Glen, you're overreacting.

Dori was just trying
to get me a commission.

She sat down with an old friend
over a cup of coffee.

In the park.

She sat on a bench
and held hands with him!

She didn't hold hands
with him.

You didn't,
did you, Ma?

No!

But she did say
he was the love of her life.

Before I met you.
It's ancient history.

Do you think I'd give a crap if
you poked Estelle Weinburger?

Why would you?

She's been dead 17 years.

You know what, Glen?

You are behaving
like a jealous lunatic,

and I am not going
to stand here

and watch you
embarrass yourself any more.

You won't have to.
I will be in my room.

No, wait!
Daddy.

Mommy made her
homemade potato knishes.

I've lost my appetite.

You see what you did?

Now Daddy doesn't want
her knish any more.

Ladies, I feel like
this is all my fault.

I don't really believe that,
but it's going to save time.

Relax, darlings.

I am going to talk to him,

and everything's going
to be fine.

I left the bastard.

Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

♪ She was certain that he was
her one and only ♪

♪ but their union always
seemed a little forced ♪

♪ she got married anyway ♪

♪ turns out that he was gay ♪

♪ they're still in love,
but now she's happily divorced ♪

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

How could you have left Daddy?

What happened
to "he's going to calm down,"

everything will be fine"?

It went a different way.

So where am I sleeping?

With your husband.

Darling, your father
is completely irrational,

and I cannot live with that.

Dori,
we have electric blankets.

Why did you bring yours?

Because I want
that bastard to freeze.

Oh, my God, Mommy and Daddy
are breaking up.

What am I going to do?

Calm down.
You're 46.

Darlings,
I don't want to be a bother.

I'll be fine here
on this couch.

God willing,
my back won't spasm.

Ma, you're not going
to sleep on the couch.

You'll take my room.

On a foldout?

Sweetheart,
I'll sleep with you tonight.

Do you know how long
I've been waiting to hear

someone to say that to me?

Course,
I was hoping it would be

somebody taller with a penis.

I'll run down to Ralphs,

get that granola she likes
to eat for breakfast.

No!

If you feed them,
they will stay.

Let her calm down tonight,
she can vent her feelings,

and then tomorrow,
she's going to go home to Daddy.

Ooh...

You got a California king?

I may never leave.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to be living
the rest of my life

with my gay ex-husband
and my mother!

Fran, we'll get your mom out
eventually.

Cesar, I got one last
arrangement for you to...

what the hell happened here?

Your mother asked me
to feng shui her.

Thank God
it meant moving furniture.

Oh, jeez,

she's been here
for three weeks,

and it feels like three months.

It's been three days.

Ma, what's going on here?

Oh, I just thought
it would be more welcoming.

You know,
when a man comes over for you

or Peter...

Or me.

We are roomies now.

This isn't Three's Company.

Hey, girls.

Oy, it is.

Oh, my God.

I know.

I love it!

I know.

Smells like fresh apple pie
in here.

[Laughs]
Check the kitchen, darling.

Oh, Dori,
if you were single...

Oh!

Yeah, what would you do,
big shot?

So, Cesar, I made
arroz con pollo for you.

Both: [Gasping]

I love you, mamacita.
Mwah!

All right, Ma.

I don't want you getting
too comfortable here

because you're going
to have to...

are those my shoes?

it's the only thing we wear
that's the same size.

Okay.

You're going home right now
to talk to Daddy.

No.

Ma, you're going to have
to go home eventually.

Why?

I gotta tell you,
sweetheart,

I'm really kind
of enjoying my freedom.

Maybe I can start
all over just like you.

If you were
starting over like me,

you'be living
with your husband.

Hey, why don't you, me,
and Judi hit some hot spots?

Do you know where
there's a good discotheque?

I think there might be
two left in Poland.

Oh, come on, sweetheart.
Take me out.

I haven't been single
in 50 years.

It'll be fun.

You think it's fun

stuffing yourself
into a pair of spanx

and going to sit in a bar?

What's a spanx?

It's like a girdle, Ma.

You know,
I have never worn a girdle.

Shut up.

Come on.

- All right.
- Oh!

Okay.

Yeah, you want
to see what it's like

to be a single party girl?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Allow me to educate you.

Oh, that's going
to be so much fun.

What should I change into?

A 23-year-old with big boobs.

[Chuckles]

Sweetie, sweetie.

I came up with a plan
to get Mom

to move back in with Daddy.

I'm gonna take her to White Bar,

show her how horrible it is
to be a single woman.

You have to go over to Daddy
and get him to apologize.

Why should I have to do that?

Oh, because it's
all my fault

because I said "Gary Cassitore."

And I came out
and ruined your life.

See, it really does
save time.

This is fun.

Three hot chicks
on the town,

just like Sex And The City.

[Laughs]

Or The Golden Girls.

How are we going
to meet anybody

with your mother tagging along?

Judi, I'm surprised at you.

Think how young we look
next to her.

Wow, $15
for an apricot sour?

Did you ever?

In my day,

the men paid
for all our drinks.

Yeah,
in our day too.

So this is where you come
on Friday nights, huh?

Yeah, Ma.

This is where we come,
night after night,

week in and week out.

And the only guy
that comes up to us

is the valet
to give us our keys

'cause he wants to go home.

Well, you're never going
to meet any men this way.

Why are you two sitting here
on your asses?

So no one will see them.

Ma,
let me ask you something.

Why did you have
to get together with Gary

when you knew
what it would do to Daddy?

I don't know, Glen.

Well, I think you do know,
Dori.

I think that you want
a little attention

from your old boyfriend.

And what if I did?

You know, women like
a little attention now and then.

You get nothing
but attention from Daddy.

Yeah,
in the bedroom.

All your father
wants from me is sex.

Six, seven nights a week.

You poor bitch.

I just want a man who's going
to do things with me,

like take me to a museum,
go see a play.

Somebody who doesn't want me
just for my body.

Take Peter!

Can you believe her?

We live our lives
looking for Mr. Right.

She's already found hers.

And now she's running
around thinking

that lightning's going
to strike twice?

Ha.

Would you like to dance?

Why not?

Do you think D's going to want
the rest of her nachos?

Thank you.

Glen? Hello?

Hey, Pete.
Come on in.

Hey...

Glen?

How did you do this
in three days?

I spliced a wire

from the bedroom through
the bathroom and boom!

Free cable.

You know, Pete, if you want
to get out of that house,

you can always live here with me
in the man cave.

Oh, uh, I don't think that
arrangement would work out

because, you know,

I like to sleep
in my own botulism.

Come on, Glen.

You're telling me
you don't miss your wife at all?

Even a little bit?

No.

Not even her apple pie?

I got news for you.
That pie gives me gas.

Not news really.

That woman knows
what she did was wrong.

Taking up with Gary Cassitore...

she knew what
that would do to me.

What "taking up"?

Look, he posted online
that he wanted a house.

If she wasn't guilty,
she wouldn't have left.

No, she left because you
screamed at her like a lunatic,

and now you're sitting here
all by yourself

smelling like cat litter,
no offense.

And she's sitting
all by herself.

She's depressed and miserable.

Good lord,
is this thing even cooked?

Did you say she was miserable?

I'm telling you, Glen,

all you have to do
is apologize.

She's going to melt
right into your arms.

It will take two little words
to get your wife back.

"I'm sorry"?

I was thinking
"cleaning girl,"

but that's good too.

You know, your whole plan
to show your mother

how miserable it is
to be a single woman?

It would work...

If she stopped dancing
with that dude

and looked at us.

Don't worry.
Peter's over with my dad now.

He's calming him down,
and he's going to convince him

that tomorrow morning,
he come to the house,

and he apologize.

And by tomorrow night,
our two asses

are going to be back on
these stools,

and it's Groundhog Day
all over again.

[Whistles]

[Mouthing words]

[Mouthing words]

[Mouthing words]

This is what
you wanted me to see?

She looks real lonely
and miserable.

Glen!

What happened?

I thought you were going
to get your mother

all lonely and miserable,

and I was going to get
your father to apologize.

Tomorrow.

[Knocking on door]

Darling,
what a nice surprise.

Hi, Marilyn.

I'm sorry to bother you,
but I'm looking for Daddy.

He's not answering
his cell phone.

He doesn't seem to be home.

I'm beginning
to get a little worried.

Of course.

- That's going to melt.
- Oh.

I brought this for Daddy.

Do you mind if I put it
in your freezer?

Sure.
Could you grab my paper?

Oh,
isn't this your neighbor's?

I only take
the entertainment section.

Uh, Marilyn,
I don't know if you heard yet...

I heard before you.

Ceil next door saw your mother
walking through the park

with an "eye-talian"
looking gentleman.

Oh, that was Gary Cassitore.

Oh, my God.

What? What?

My freezer is broken.

Oh.

I better grab two spoons.

Damn it.
I only have one.

Uh, listen,
Marilyn, you know,

I don'really know
what to do with those two.

And you know them better
than anybody.

Well, we were very close
in the '60s

when they bought that hot tub

made from a wine barrel

and had those
swimsuit-optional parties.

Meanwhile,
they told me that barrel

was to bob for apples.

Sort of.

Did you check by the pool?

Your father was there before

with 15 hungry widows
circling him.

Mom's only been gone
four days.

How did they even know?

They can't see,
they can't hear,

but they can sniff out
a single guy like a cadaver dog.

If your mother is smart,

she'll get her little ass
back here

before it's too late.

There are 100 widows
in this complex

to 19 single men.

[Cell phone chimes]

18.

[CD player playing
salsa music]

♪ ♪

- [Chuckles]
- Whoo!

Ms. Dori,

you're picking up these steps
very quickly

for somebody who's not a latina.

You know, a lot
of people have told me

that I could have been
a professional dancer.

Well,
let's not go crazy.

You're no Chita Rivera.

♪ ♪

[Laughing]

Oh, I was practicing
for salsa wednesdays at the bar.

And don't start with me.
I am going.

What?

Ma,
I've made peace with it.

You're moving
on with your life,

and so is Daddy.

Yeah, well, good for him.

I just came from the condo.

I couldn't even get close
to him by the pool,

he was surrounded
by so many women.

[Scoffs]

Your father?
Please.

You have to understand, Dori,

he's an eligible bachelor now.

Fran tells me
they were eyeing him

like a Social Security check.

Are you telling me
that at this very moment,

my husband is at the pool

surrounded by
all those half-naked prunes?

That's right, Ma.

Well,
it's a perfect time

for me to go
to the apartment,

get my stuff
without running into that man.

Wait a minute.
Ma?

I can't believe you.

What kind of a person would not
be jealous of a husband

being surrounded
by sex-starved women?

Ma, Ma, Ma.
What are you rushing for?

You're home now.

Don't you want
to take some time

and think about
what you're doing?

All I want to take

is my eyebrow pencil
that's been discontinued

and my Lipitor.

Oh, my God!

- Glen.
- Dori.

Marilyn?

Oy!

What the hell
are you doing in my kitchen?

I knew your husband
was so lonely,

and I thought
he might want a little tongue.

This man has needs.

You abandoned him.

- Stop petting my husband.
- I will not.

When Fran came over and
told me how neglected he was.

I felt I had to do something.

You discussed
our private intimacies with her?

I don't know, maybe.
I was looking for Daddy.

What else did you blab?

Look, another woman
is giving your husband tongue.

Would you focus on that?

You know,
I can't believe it.

I'm away for five minutes,

and you replace me with
an older, bleach-blonde floozy?

Older?

Dori, why are you acting
like such a jealous maniac?

This is all perfectly innocent.

Oh, of course,
like me and Gary Cassitore.

Okay, calm down, everybody.

Daddy,
Mommy loves you.

She's just saying that she wants
to take a little break

from your freakishly
healthy sex life

to once in a while
have dinner and a show.

Isn't that cool with you?

Well, I never saw Lion King.

Dori,
Glen loves you,

and he would like it

if you would not contact
Gary Cassitore again...

After my commission check
clears.

Is that okay with you?

[Clears throat]

Well, I'd rather see
Book of Mormon.

Get over here, you.

[Laughs]

You want to take a walk
in the park?

After.

Let yourselves out.

[Sobbing]

I'm so ashamed of myself.

I don't know
how could sink so low.

So what did we decide on?
$150?

I believe it was $100.

You think the deli gives
tongue away for free?

Welcome.

You were very convincing.

Oh, maybe I should go back
into acting.

Well, timing's perfect.
Silent pictures are back.

Wait, what?

Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

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