Original subtitles

Happily divorced is shot

before a live audience.

Oh, ma.

Brisket at 10:00 in the morning?

Ugh, I'm nauseous. Ooh, are those little potatoes?

Mm, and I was gonna be so good today.

Go ahead, sweetheart. Everybody's fat.

Peter, don't you look gorgeous in your jogging outfit.

He gets a "don't you look gorgeous,"

and I get "everybody's fat"?

Thank you, Dori.

I'm trying to impress this new guy

in my spinning class.

Listen, doll, if I were a gay man,

I would climb you like a tree.

- Hey, kid. - Daddy!

What happened to you?

You're all black and blue.

Oh, a little car mishap.

Some idiot installed a new stop sign

on the corner of third and galaxy.

New? That stop sign's been there for 20 years.

Not anymore.

- Did you see a doctor? - For what?

For a pap smear, daddy.

You were in a car accident.

Maybe you should be checked out.

It's a little bump. This is nothing.

Remember, I served in the war.

You served Turkey in a mess hall.

Cut him a break, Fran.

That corner is dark at night.

Well, what, were you not paying attention?

Were you eating?

Were you listening to Howard stern?

What is this, Encino?

Uh, I knocked over one stop sign.

Ma, don't you think that we should do something?

Listen, darling.

You're 45. You're single.

You're still living with your gay ex-husband.

You got bigger fish to fry.

There is nothing wrong with me.

If you really want to help, call the insurance company

and get an actual human being on the line.

All right, but please, daddy,

just sit down, sit down.

I'm fine. Not that phone.

There are animals living in there.

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♪ she was certain that he was the one ♪

♪ and only ♪

♪ but their union always seemed ♪

♪ a little forced ♪

♪ she got married anyway ♪

♪ turns out that he was gay ♪

♪ they're still in love but now ♪

♪ she's happily divorced ♪

daddy, there is no animal in your phone.

I'm telling you,

there's a cricket living in there.

It's impossible!

Shh! Your voice is frightening it.

This is why I stopped taking her fishing.

I have to get to my spinning class, remember?

My father might be losing his min

shut up.

- Ah. - You hear that?

It's not plugged in.

It's not connected to anything.

What else could it be?

Daddy, it's the battery.

It's dying.

Oh, the battery! Mystery solved.

Who wants Kugel?

Daddy, did you forget

that there was a battery in here?

Okay, so I forgot.

Enough already.

Yeah, I'm... I'm gonna go out for a while.

You're taking the car?

No, my hoverboard.

Like Michael J. Douglas in back to the future.

Mom, are you honestly gonna let him just get in the car

and drive away like this?

You're right.

Glen, pick up Dijon mustard and two red onions.

Wait up, daddy. I'll go with you.

I need some onions too.

I know what you're doing.

What am I doing?

You know what you're doing.

Well, if you know what I'm doing,

then you know what I'm doing needs to be done.

What are you two doing?

I'm going with daddy to the market.

No, you're not. I don't need a babysitter.

Daddy, I'm sorry, but under the circumstances,

I don't think that you should drive alone.

That's some nice way for a father

to talk to his daughter.

Two can play at this game.

I don't hear you.

Seems like you have this under control,

and I'm late for my spin class,

so if you could just hand me our car keys,

then I can...

Not go and be here for you.

What is the matter with you?

You're making your father feel like an old man.

You're cutting his balls off.

I don't want to cut daddy's balls off.

Then let him do what he wants to do.

Okay.

Let him go.

Peter, go with him.

No, no, your mother's absolutely right.

That is a grown man in there,

and you're acting like a crazy person.

Go with daddy!

I have to go to the gym!

Keith takes the 11:45 spin class.

If I'm not there at 11:30, that damn Dyan Cannon

gets the bike right behind him.

- Peter! - Come on, Fran.

I spent $75 on this track suit just to impress Keith.

You look fat.

Oh, no.

You're saying that to get me to go with your father.

Am I?

I'm going with you, Glen.

We're gonna go get a drink.

Good. Just find a place with no women.

Oh, you got the perfect man for the job, daddy.

So this is a gay bar.

Where are all the sailors?

In world war ii.

You do know it's not world war ii, don't you?

Now, don't you start with me, Peter.

All right, seriously, it's just us, just you and me,

man to man.

Glen, are you sure you're okay?

I mean, we've all had minor car accidents,

but the cricket in the phone?

You mean to tell me you didn't think for a second

there was a cricket in there?

Glen...

I actually did. I didn't want to tell Fran.

Don't you worry about me, Peter.

I'm good, okay?

Okay.

Where can a guy get some nuts around here?

Look around.

So this is where it all happens for ya, huh, Petey?

Yeah, you'd be surprised how much it doesn't happen.

I don't get it. You are such a great guy.

I'd think that any of the guys in here

would wanna give you a tumble.

You know, we never really talked

about your whole, uh, switcheroo thing.

Yeahhhh, well, we don't have to.

Oh, let's talk about it.

Ohhh, let's not.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

I don't understand all the ins and outs,

what goes where, who's on first,

who's pitching, who's catching.

But I do want you to know... I love you,

and you will always be my son.

Wow.

You took this so much better than your daughter did.

Oh, my God, it's Keith.

Who? Who's Keith?

He's the guy I'm stalking at my gym.

Which one is he?

Leather jacket, tight jeans, biker boots.

I see 12 Keiths.

- Keith! - No, stop it!

- Keith! - Glen, cut it out.

I don't want to talk to him. Do not get him...

- Keith, Glen Newman. - Hi.

I want to introduce you to my single, available son.

This is Peter.

Hello, you doing.

Hey, uh, what gym do you work out?

'Cause I could swear I've seen you in the locker room before.

What, are you stalking me?

That's a nice leather jacket.

Ooh, like butter. Feel this, Peter.

No, I don't need to touch it.

- Ah, go ahead, it's okay. - Okay.

You know, if you like this, I sell them in my store.

You've got a leather shop?

Isn't that like the equivalent of a jewish doctor

in your world?

It's... it's actually a motorcycle shop.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Why don't you two get a drink?

Glen.

I think it sounds like a great idea.

I'll take a beer. Thanks.

I love you.

I'm gonna grab some wings.

You know, there are some women in here,

and some of 'em been checking me out.

I still got it.

So do they.

Oh, Judi.

Oh, look at daddy.

Look how young he was in the army.

Look at him here. He's getting his medal.

Oh, what'd he get a medal for?

Turkey Tetrazzini.

Look, Fran, I know you're worried,

but this is life.

People get older, and they forget things.

My dad forgot he had a wife, like, every other weekend.

Oh, I know, Judi, but you know,

my dad's always been so sharp.

And then to see him so confused,

it kind of scared me.

And then the accident...

Fran, relax.

Glen is as sharp and manly and sexy as he's ever been.

That gorgeous head of hair.

That body.

You know, the only one that came close

was Dana Goldstein's dad.

Now, he was packing heat.

Okay, you're opening upa little window

into yourself now.

Shut it.

Who wants some of my wife's famous five-alarm chili...

Or, as I like to call it, the Mexican cleanse?

Ooh, I love spicy.

Is your daddy still alive?

Peace out, Glen!

Good times, g-dog!

How was he? How did he act?

- Was he with it? - Are you kidding?

Your father is, like, the best wingman ever.

Oh, no, he didn't think he can fly, did he

Fran, your dad is great.

In fact, that guy's got major game.

I mean, we're standing at the bar.

Who do I see across the room? Keith.

Two seconds, your dad hooks us up.

- So he's good. - Good?

He is fine.

Peter, I'm talking about my father.

Oh, he's sharp as a tack.

I mean, you should've seen him bargain with Keith

at his store.

That's right... Keith owns his own business.

Oh, I feel so happy right now.

Me too. I can't afford to eat in the places

I like to go.

Oh, thank you, Petey.

I feel so relieved.

Franny, you really have nothing to worry about.

- Your dad is okay. - Oh.

Besides, I don't think Keith would've passed him

on his road test if he wasn't.

- What road test? - For the motorcycle.

What motorcycle?

The motorcycle he bought from Keith.

Oh, incidentally, threw in these beautiful gloves

♪ because he likes me ♪

oh, they are beautiful.

Can I see them a minute?

How could you let him buy a motorcycle?

Are you crazy?

Those things are death machines!

Oh, calm down.

It's not like a big hells angels chopper.

It's something that Scooby-doo would drive.

You are gonna have to march yourself right back there

and make him take it back.

I am not going to do that.

He wouldn't do it if I asked him to, Fran.

He loves it.

Well, then, you don't ask him.

Thank you.

We'll steal it.

Now we just have to figure out a way to steal a motorcycle.

Why are you looking at me?

It's 'cause I'm Mexican, right?

I was looking at Judi.

Why, 'cause I'm black?

No, I need you to drive us over there

so we can steal it.

No way, not me.

I've never stolen anything in my life.

What about my youth?

You know what?

I'm getting a little tired of you using that excuse

to make me do anything that you want.

Which is why this is the last time

I am going to be doing this.

- Come on, Judi. - Coming.

Fran, I don't want to do this.

It doesn't feel right. It just doesn't feel right.

Would you stop being such a baby?

You wouldn't even steal the key from his kitchen.

I didn't want to leave my fingerprints.

Oh, but you don't mind leaving your fingerprints

on the knife to cut yourself a hunk of pound cake?

We have to go back!

Oh, my God.

This is the bike that you let my father buy?

Of course not. It's the one next to it.

Look, Fran.

It's like the big one had a baby.

You look fat in that helmet.

Safety first.

"Get into a natural, comfortable position.

"Your grip should be relaxed but firm,

"not too tight.

Sudden, jerky movements can cause an unexpected thrust."

- Someone's coming. - Hurry, get on.

Peel out!

Okay, burn rubber!

Just make it go.

Peter, you're squeezing my boobs.

It's not for sex. It's for safety.

One more bowl, Cesar.

Uh, miss Judi, that makes three.

Well, I guess I'll be sleeping alone tonight.

That's right.

- Hmm? - Because of the chili.

Oh, it's Fran.

Hey, where are you guys?

Fran.

Fran!

Watch it, watch it, watch it!

She must've butt-dialed me.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Calm down! It was dead already.

We're gonna be dead if you don't slow down.

If I go any slower, we're going to tip over.

And quit your complaining. I'm sick of it already.

"I don't like to steal things. I don't break the law.

The pound cake was dry."

It was dry.

You know, all this is your fault in the first place

that we're even on this stupid bike.

My fault?

Yes! You should've stopped him from buying it.

But someone had to get free gloves, ehh.

Handlebars, handlebars!

You know what I think? I think it's your fault.

- My fault? - Yeah.

If you hadn't made him feel like a feeble old man,

he wouldn't have had anything to prove,

and he wouldn't have bought the stupid bike in the first place.

- Shut up. - You shut up.

I can't believe that you have turned this whole thing around

onto me... oh!

Um... um, bleh.

Oh, I think a moth just flew into my mouth.

Oh, no.

Someone spit out gum. Blech!

Ugh.

If you weren't so busy trying to impress Keith,

none of this would have happened.

If you hadn't made me get in your father's car,

none of this would have happened.

Well, if I had only seen your "life is a cabaret" pillow

in your dormitory, none of this would've happened!

Handlebars, handlebars!

Look out, Fran! What are you doing?

Oh, no, no, no!

Ow.

Daddy, I-I was just trying to...

I don't want to hear any more from you,

little girl.

Do you know what it feels like for a father

to get a call like this in the middle of the night?

My heart dropped.

You know what I paid for that motorcycle?

I just thought...

Yeah, but you didn't think.

The man knows what he's doing.

Turn off your blinker, Glen.

What were you thinking, driving a motorcycle?

You never got on one in your life.

At least I drove one for three years in the army.

What did they give me?

And what the hell were you thinking,

breaking into our house?

You don't love me.

Don't give me that "you don't love me" crap.

Who picked you up from that hospital

in the middle of the night?

And who the hell cut into the pound cake

I was bringing to Hadassah tomorrow?

I don't believe you went through all this

just because I forgot a stupid phone

had a battery in it.

Believe me, you're gonna forget a lot of things

when you get to be our age.

All kinds of new things happen.

You get a new leg pain.

All of a sudden, you can't move your shoulder.

Your father wakes up stiff

in all the wrong places.

Your point, ma?

We're old.

Darling, trust me. I know the man 50 years.

If it's something serious, he tells me,

and that's when I'll tell you.

- You promise? - Of course, sweetheart.

Valerie Bertinelli. Oh, my God, I love you.

Daddy, come sit down here a minute.

I want to talk to you.

Oy, we almost made it inside.

Sit down.

Daddy, did you buy that motorcycle

because I made you feel old?

No, I bought it because it made me feel young.

And I really did look cool on it.

I bet you looked great.

I'm so sorry that I acted the way I did.

It's just when you forgot that battery

and I looked at your face and I thought,

"oh, he's starting to change," and it just worried me.

Oh, sweetheart.

Do you remember what you did the day you turned 16?

Yeah.

Wait, what are you talking about?

The day you turned 16,

you begged me, "please, daddy,

let me take the car out myself."

Well, I paced back and forth all night till you came home.

And I did the same thing when you went out on a date

or took a trip

or climbed out the window in the middle of the night,

which you never thought I knew about.

But I had to let you go

because I wanted you to live your life.

Oh, thank you, daddy.

Mm.

Now, let me live mine!

- Sweetheart. - What?

I know you did it because you love me,

- and I love you. - I do.

But who knows how many years I got left?

Please, baby,

can't you let me enjoy 'em?

Mm.

No.

Love you, baby.

Oh, I love you, daddy. Love you.

Mm.

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