Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com

Hey, guys, something super weird just happened.

I was in Mansfield's office, and I told him I missed a filing deadline.

And then... get this...

He didn't murder me.

Wait a minute.

(Elevator bell dings) There's only one thing

that could calm the savage Mansfield...

- Mrs. Mansfield! - Ah!

That's why he didn't kill me.

Hello, boys. And girl.

Mansfield: There's my better half.

She's so cute!

I always pictured her in a helmet with horns on it, maybe a whip.

So, what brings you around here, Mrs. Mansfield?

Oh, you know you can call me Abby.

- Thank you, Ab... - (Whistles)

...solutely not gonna do that.

Uh, Mrs. Mansfield and I are planning our eldest daughter's wedding.

Life moves so fast.

I can't believe it's been 25 years since you said,

"Don't worry, honey. You can't get pregnant in a hot tub." (Chuckles)

My wife is an open book.

Let's, uh... let's close that book, darling.

How about you, Brody?

Are we gonna be hearing wedding bells for you and Jenny any time soon?

Well, it hasn't come up yet, but if I like it, I'm gonna put a ring on it.

(Chuckles)

Speaking of weddings, have the RSVP's gone out yet?

I had this magical idea that everyone gets their own homing pigeon to respond with.

It's taken care of.

I have my very best team on it right now.

Damn it! I broke another one!

That's the tenth one.

If you keep breaking the cages,

we're never gonna get those birds out of the stockroom.

The birds got out of the stockroom!

(Sobbing) And they're angry!

Oh, God! (All yelling)

(Sobbing)

You have something in your beard.

- What? - My mouth.

(Laughs)

Get away!

I can't watch this, but I can't not watch it.

Derrick: It's like my grandma eating spaghetti...

Noodles going in, noodles going out.

You can lose a whole day.

Oh, I should get back upstairs.

Guys, my girlfriend has to go, so I'm gonna walk my girlfriend out.

I have a girlfriend.

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Come on!

Okay, get ready for the best night ever.

If you could have tickets to anything in the world, what would it be?

The Imaginarium at the pier.

What?

No, that costs nothing.

That's, like, a suggested donation.

No, I-I got us tickets to see "Wicked."

And then we're gonna go to the Imaginarium?!

No! There's no Imaginarium.

I'm gonna take you to my favorite musical ever.

My dad dragged me to it when I was a kid, and it changed me.

Well, I love what it changed you into, so I'm sure I'm gonna love it.

Oh, are these the famous RSV-pigeons?

They are. Yep.

(Chuckling) Oh, God. Isn't it ridiculous? (Chuckles)

I'm so glad I'm never getting married.

Tell me about it.

Wait. Tell me about it.

What do you mean never?

Well, I just don't see the appeal.

My mom has six failed marriages with five different guys.

Who wants that?

I mean, statistically, millions of people do, but I get what you're saying.

Well, what I'm saying is that

I-I don't think you have to be married to love each other

and build a life together and do fun things like go to the Imaginarium.

- Yeah, or see "Wicked." - Or see "Wicked."

I forgot. "Wicked."

I will see you tonight.

My girlfriend forgot her purse, so...

Mrs. Mansfield: We have to pick one...

Lilac, lavender, mauve, violet, or mulberry.

They... they all look purple.

Would you...

Just tell me which purple I should love?

Come on. So far, your only opinion on this wedding is,

you're leaving if the band plays "shout."

In... in... in fairness to me,

no one tells me when to be softer and when to be louder.

And... and... and to be honest with you,

y-you're the only one in the whole world

who can tell the difference between these colors.

Just dropping off the Baxter file, sir.

Ooh! Somebody's got some tough choices to make.

How do you feel about the mulberry tablecloths with the lilac napkins?

Where have you been hiding this boy from me, peanut?

Peanut? Forgot it as soon as I heard it, sir.

Say, Mr. Wen, how would you like to spend the afternoon

shopping for fabric with my wife?

You can answer with me.

Both: Mr. Mansfield, I would freakin' love to.

I thought we were doing this together.

Uh, sweetheart, t-this does not play to my strengths.

So, I'm supposed to spend the afternoon with someone I barely know?

I'm just not gonna be of any help to you looking at purple squares.

Purple? Sir, I don't see any purple.

Is it underneath the lilac?

Let's go. You're coming with me.

Sorry I'm late.

I was out getting something for my girlfriend.

The question was, "what do you get the girl who has everything?"

Everything, of course, being full access to all of this.

And the answer is... this guy.

What the hell is wrong with you?!

You don't get a tattoo after six days with a girl!

- Should I have waited a week? - What, you trying to scare her away?

Lindsay's my first serious girlfriend in... how long?

Carry the two... ever.

If she sees a picture of her face on your arm, she gonna dump your crazy ass.

(Sighs) You're right.

I'm an idiot.

Now I got to try to hide it from her, and that's gonna be impossible

'cause she has access to all of this.

Hey, I got your message.

Hello. How are you? (Chuckles)

So, what's the big surprise you wanted to show me?

It's right over here.

I was just thinking...

How about for the rest of our relationship,

we always wear shirts no matter what?

Nice try, but I think you might remember

I have a full-access pass to all of this.

(Screams)

Easy there, Lindsay. He just got the flu shot.

(Chuckles) Yeah, right.

Like I'm gonna let the government inject a tracking device in my body.

Fine, dumbass. Hit him again.

You are such a cute boyfriend! (Screaming)

Thank you, girlfriend.

Now, if you will excuse me, Derrick and I have a little errand to run.

Derrick, let's go!

Is it gonna hurt?

He's burning ink out of eight layers of raw skin with a laser.

Might sting a little.

Aah! Ow! That does sting.

That is just the lamp.

Oh.

(Screams)

The lamp stings! What kind of a lamp is that?!

It's amazing.

It's literally everything great about The Wizard of Oz" and more.

Is the rainbow song in it?

- No. Uh, everything else. - Oh. I love it.

They got to do the "follow the yellow brick road" one, though, right?

Uh, no. It's different.

I... it's... it's just the witches.

Oh! Love it. (Chuckles)

Oh, sweet. I get to sit next to a glinda.

(Laughs)

I don't know what's happening.

Oh, uh, Jenny is a "Wicked" virgin.

Oh, I am so jealous, I could kill you! (Laughs)

(Chuckles)

Oh, I wish I could see it again for the first time.

How many times have you seen it?

I won't say.

You'll think I'm crazy. (Laughs)

Oh... No. Oh, that would not be the thing.

Ooh, it's starting. I am so excited.

I don't know whether to watch "Wicked"

or watch you watching "Wicked."

I'm gonna watch "Wicked," though.

(Opening music plays)

(Music ends)

(Cheers and applause) Ohh!

That was a-a-a-a mazing!

She better be dead.

I don't understand how you could fall asleep during "Wicked."

Okay. I dozed off for just a minute,

but I saw almost the whole show, which I loved.

What was your favorite part?

It was, um, that, mm...

The part when Wicked came out?

And he... and he did the whole...

He did that whole song.

The broom song.

(Chuckling) The broom song.

Yes. Yeah.

There'll always be room for you on my broom

There's no doom and gloom...

(Chuckles) Both:

'cause you're on my broom

- There's no broom song! - Damn it!

But it would have been so great if there was, right?

No. There are already great songs, which, apparently, you didn't hear.

Baby, I was tired, okay?

I had an exhausting day, and I did hear some of the songs,

like... the one where everyone cheered?

"Defying gravity"?

Good one. (Chuckles)

That's a real song.

I know, and it was a good one.

You know what? (Sighs)

We're going again.

(Laughing) Good one.

(Crying)

Do you know what a peony is?

Do you?

Because when I ask a professional florist to show me peonies

and I am shown hydrangeas, that makes you look like an asshole.

Really?

Helen, I'm being dramatic?

How's this for dramatic, Helen?

The wedding is off!

The wedding is not off.

Very good. Well, they better be here by noon.

I love you.

Thank you. (Chuckles)

I was so tired of being steamrolled by that 90-year-old woman.

(Clears throat)

(Gasps) Remmie, this kid is unbelievable.

We have gotten more done in the last three hours

than you and I got done in the last six months. (Chuckles)

Fantastic. You can tell me all about it over lunch.

I'll... I'll fuel up the jet. I love eating on that jet.

Ooh, lunch is out.

Threepeat and I have a cake tasting in an hour.

That's right.

Ooh, actually, I will do the tasting.

You've got a dress to fit into.

I could come with. Who... who doesn't like cake?

Well, you don't.

You always say cake is a weak man's pie.

Well, we could have a wedding pie.

(Laughter) Okay.

We're laughing at me, aren't we?

Anyway, I should get going.

I'll see you later, peanut.

All right. See you soon.

So, uh, how much longer do you think you two are gonna be at this?

- I'd say springtime? - That's a long time without my wife.

It's only been two days, and I miss her already.

Well, why don't you tell her that you'd love to do the weddings stuff?

Because that would be a lie, and... and I...

I don't lie, especially to my wife.

Well, you could tell her that I'm not available

because I'm too valuable here at the office.

Mr. Wen, look at me.

I don't lie.

It's like that, peanut?

What do you think?

Looks like a swarm of bees came in and attacked an old turkey leg.

- Hey, guys. - Hi!

- Uh, we need to talk. - Oh, what's going on?

I hope you don't think this is crazy, but look what I got.

(Gasps) It's you!

I'm beautiful.

That's amazing. It's great.

Derrick, did you get a chance to see the tattoo,

or do you think it's too crazy?

I'm just happy you two found each other...

So you don't find anyone else.

I'm so happy you like it.

I was afraid I would scare you off.

I am not going anywhere, except for, right now,

I'm gonna run a quick errand with Derrick.

Derrick, let's go!

(Screams)

(Tattoo needle buzzing)

It hurts so much more the second time!

So I told Jenny straight up, I'm like,

"you and I are going to 'Wicked' again."

Dude, harsh.

Sometimes, you just got to be a man.

Or here's a crazy idea...

You could just let her not like "Wicked."

Look, it's not just about "Wicked."

If I can change her mind about this,

then I can change her mind about other things I like,

like Indian food or ufc fights or marriage.

Marriage?

Dude, I cannot plan another wedding right now.

I got stuck between Mansfield and his wife.

I can't figure out how to get out of it.

Relationships are complicated.

Well, not for all us.

I believe I have cracked the code.

Aah! Aah!

Are you dying?

I don't even know what I'm looking at.

It's called an infection.

I'm infected with love.

Dude.

Is it weird to see the same show two days in a row?

I don't think it's weird.

Oh, hey. You're back.

All right.

I got the biggest coffee they sell, so let's do this.

(Upbeat music playing)

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

Are you playing "Candy Crush" right now?

Honey, I'm trying to just stay awake.

Shh! Hey, don't shush my girlfriend.

- Could you please quite down? - Me? You should tell her.

Huh. What are you gonna do about it, scarecrow?

Look, I'm not gonna have an argument with a woman who has green face paint.

- You don't know it's paint. - Okay, let's go. Let's go.

- One second. - Both of you. Both of you.

No!

(Whining) No! Why do I have to stay here?

Do you like this?

Shh.

Threepeat, what happened?

I thought we were meeting the mixologist.

Yeah, I-I couldn't make it.

Well, you were the one who said if we didn't have a signature cocktail,

we might as well serve warm beer out of a hobo's sock.

Look, Mrs. Mansfield, I'd love to help you.

It's just that I'm really swamped with work.

Said, "I'm really swamped with work!"

Here are the accounts that need to be serviced.

Boy, Threepeat, you sure are swamped with work.

You certainly don't have time for any outside activities.

Seriously? That's the best you could do?

Yes. Unlike you, I have real work to do.

This wouldn't have happened if you'd come to rehearsal.

What the hell's going on out here?!

He's putting on some kind of terrible play.

Do you want to help plan this wedding or not?

Of course I do.

It's just that I know that remmie-peanut-ington Mansfield misses you...

...and I was just trying to get you two kids back together.

Mr. Wen, if I ever needed your help with my wife,

do you know what I would say?

Nothing, because I'm never gonna need your help.

You see, I made a rash decision, and I'll pay the consequences.

That's what I do.

That's what I've been doing for 28 years.

And what I do is let him dangle until he realizes he screwed up,

and then I tell him how badly I need him.

Honey...

I screwed up.

I really need you.

And that's how you stay a happy couple for 28 years.

Come on.

Let's go home and make love on the squash court.

Sweetheart, does that book ever close?

(Sighs) I did it.

Whoo! That was a good show.

See? I knew you'd love it.

- Wow, that was over early. - Oh, yeah.

The wizard got sick, so they gave us the rest of the show off.

You didn't even stay, did you?

Baby, I couldn't take it. There was so much singing.

I think I know why that is.

Because it's a freakin' musical!

But they don't have to sing every little thing!

They're like...

I'm going to the door

I'm leaning on this chair

This is how is feel

Will you at least listen to the soundtrack?

I put it on your phone.

You know the song about changing for the better?

It'll change you... for the better.

Babe, why is this so important to you?

Because even though you don't like musicals

and you never planned on liking musicals,

I was hoping, if you met the right guy,

maybe you'd change and say "yes" to him.

About musicals.

Honey...

I love you, but I'm not that girl.

Do you even know "I'm not that girl" is a song from "Wicked"?

No, I do not.

- Look, we're two different people. - Mm-hmm.

From really different worlds,

but that doesn't mean that we can't be together.

Hell, if they made a musical about that, I'd love it.

That is the exact plot of "Wicked"!

Then "no."

(Sighs)

Mr. Mansfield.

Oh, son!

Yes, come out and join me, please.

- I'm just comparing fabric samples. - Oh.

Tell me, which one... Which one do you prefer...

The... the cream, the eggshell, the ecru, or the bone?

Uh, they all look white to me.

Rookie.

You realize someday we're gonna be doing this for yourwedding.

Uh, yeah, I don't think so.

Jenny says she doesn't want to get married.

You didn't propose without getting my blessing first, did you?

No, obviously, I wouldn't skip the traditional asking of the boss.

It just, uh, came up.

I'm sorry, son. That's a... that's a bad day.

Have a seat.

It gets worse.

Well, how could it possibly get worse?

- She hated "Wicked." - What?!

So, I took her again, and she hated it even more.

I mean, how do you build a future on that?

What? You're smiling.

What do you know that I don't know?

Well, everything.

Jenny sat through something she hated twice...

- Mm-hmm. - ...For you.

And as a man who can now tell you the difference

between mint and seafoam, I can tell you that that's real love.

It's like my favorite saying...

"When you love someone ..."

- Set them free. - No.

"Hold on tight."

Why the hell would you set them free?

You love them, for God's sake.

Well, that does make more sense.

I just always thought that I'd get married.

I dated a girl once who never wanted to get married.

"Just passing through"... That's what she always said.

You know what happened?

I married her.

You got to hang in there, son.

Yeah.

You know, maybe things will turn around.

Uh... I think I just got crapped on by a bird.

Well, some people say that's good luck.

That's damn sure not.

I think those RSVP's are starting to show up.

Oh, it's gonna be a hell of a turnout.

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes the sun

like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good

Marry me.

Did you say something?

Oh, nothing.

You want to go to the Imaginarium?

(Gasps) I do!

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

- Hey. - Oh, hey.

There's something I wanted to show you, and I think you are going to love it.

(Gasps)

It's me!

If I was in a fire.

I love it.

She loves it.

I'm gonna get my phone.

I want to take a picture of our tattoos before the henna fades.

(Camera shutter clicks)

Henna?

Henna...

For when getting a permanent tattoo would be too crazy.

Derrick and I actually...

Have to go run a quick errand.

We will be right back.

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