Original subtitles

Hey. How was your shower?

Nice... all the rust in your water makes a great exfoliant.

And you thought it was gonna kill you.

Seriously, don't let that get in your mouth.

Kind of wish the walls were a little thicker, though.

It feels like your neighbor could hear everything.

Not everything.

Good to know, Ray.

This one's a keeper, Jenny.

Ray has been very supportive.

Oh, I love having you here and playing house.

Mm.

I think you should stay here every night.

Yeah, though I do miss

my organic California-king pillow-top, extra-firm,

adjustable memory-foam mattress.

Well, old lumpy's been with me since I was 19.

Oh, my God. If this bed could talk...

It would be silent.

So, where do you want to sleep tonight... the hill or the valley?

Mm, I'll take the hill. I like the view.

Okay.

- Good night. - Good night.

Are you guys gonna do it?

- Good night, Ray! - Good night, Ray!

Are you wearing jeans?

Yeah. This is how we dress downstairs, man.

And I got to tell you, I kind of like it.

It's super-laid-back. The hours are great.

You know what I saw when I got out last night?

- What's that? - Night.

I miss night.

I haven't had a night off since the "Sex and the City" movie.

Which one?

There were two?

Ohh.

I never go out anymore, man.

I can't remember the last time I got laid.

I'm in, like, a record dry spell.

I swear, this morning... heat lightning.

I don't have time for this, okay?

I got to go talk to Mansfield.

Ooh, in jeans?

Do you want to borrow my emergency slacks?

No, no, no, no.

This time, it's not about business.

I'm gonna remind him of our personal connection.

He can't resist that.

Unrelated, why do you look so good?

Your skin's glowing.

This morning, I had a rusty shower.

Oh, my God, they invented new sex moves?

Good morning, Mr. Mansfield.

I have a little something for you.

What's with the costume?

It's not a costume. They're called jeans.

Well, I know what they are.

I own several pair of dungarees myself.

You'd be surprised just how many Western-themed charity events

I have to attend.

Actually, I went to one the other night.

I can't remember what it was called,

but they show you pictures of... of teeth and gums,

and damn it if you don't just write a check!

Well, anyway, I thought you might be interested in this.

It's the original signature page from the Thomas account.

I found it downstairs.

It must have been shredded by accident,

so I pieced it together... it reminds me of the time

we accidentally shredded the Mays file.

You and I worked all night reassembling it.

And then, as the sun rose on your balcony,

you said... why?

I see what you're doing.

You've come in here with hopes of warming me up

with your talk of old times and your blue cotton trousers.

I was just making conversation.

But that's not our relationship anymore.

You know what they say...

Fool me once, not gonna happen.

Fool me twice, I thought I made it clear

you didn't fool me the first time.

So, you and I can no longer talk?

Don't blame me.

I used to love giving you advice.

But there will be no more chitchat.

Just so you know, I spent a long time on that.

- That sound like chit. - Just let me say...

That sounds like chat. Good day.

- Ms. Harris! - Yes, sir?

What do you need? Anything.

You want me to write a logarithm, algorithm, cryptarithm?

Like they said at M.I.T., I've got "-ithm."

Ha.

How would you like to be a part

of one of the biggest deals in the history of this company?

I would love to!

And you will. But not today.

Go ahead and un-shred that for me, will you?

- Great. I love puzzles. - I love your attitude.

- You know, I was actually voted... - We're done!

Well, it's gonna take longer than I thought to get out of these jeans.

Oh, not if I have anything to do with it.

Mwah.

I know you want your job back upstairs,

but I love having you down here.

They're here! They're here! Paychecks!

Ha, ha, yes!

I don't work this hard for nothing.

- Can you bring me mine? - I'm on break.

Guess who's getting his beard trimmed?

And not at the dog place.

Mr. Moyer, I believe that's for you.

Oh, this is very exciting.

This is my very first downstairs...

What the... fi... how?

This can't be right.

Oh, no. It's not.

They forgot to take out social security.

So they'll just take out more next time.

"Take out more"?

This is less than I pay my waxer.

For my car, you idiot.

Well, well, well, well, well.

Looks like poor little rich boy's now got to wax

like all us poor people.

Hey, Harvard, Brody's one of us now, okay?

I'm just saying... upstairs people

can't make it on a downstairs paycheck.

Dude, I was a money manager, okay?

If you can do it, I can do it.

Why don't you put your lack of money

where your tiny, hairless mouth is?

How about I put my tiny, hairless mo...

This is not going anywhere good.

All right, why don't you two make a bet?

Whoever has the most money left over

from their paychecks on Friday wins.

- I'm in. - Yeah, me too.

Babe, are you sure?

You're gonna have to make, like, some serious waxing adjustments.

Well, trust me. I can figure out a way, okay?

I can live on this every week.

It's every two weeks.

What the f... how?

All right, to make the bet fair, I cashed both your paychecks.

You each get the same amount of money minus the "ADM" fee.

Oh, you mean ATM fee.

No, ADM... "Automatic Derrick Money."

Okay. It's on.

How do I know Brody's not gonna cheat with his rich-people tricks?

You know, with...

Bank accounts and credit scores.

Simple... Just give me all your cards. Okay.

All right, Brody's got a gold card, platinum card,

and a black card.

Harvard's got a sandwich-club card, a yoga-club card,

and a card that appears to be the six of diamonds.

Were you thinking of the six of diamonds?

I am now.

How did I do it?

Hey, Jenny.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Um... So...

I'm having a bit of a dry spell with the ladies.

Okay.

And I was wondering if you had a friend

you could maybe set me up with who could...

Make it rain.

Okay, so, you would like to use one of my friends

as a slump-buster.

That is a degrading term, and I would never use it.

Why? Were you thinking of somebody specific, or...?

Oh, that's impressive.

You have perfectly re-assembled an e-mail from my wife

asking me what I want for dinner.

Spoiler alert...

it's anything with meat because, damn it, I'm a man.

I've never met anyone

who printed out and shredded all of their e-mails.

Well, if it's worth reading, it's worth printing.

And if it's worth printing,

then it's no one else's goddamn business.

You know, I got to confess to you...

you remind me of someone...

a new associate working late on a night not unlike this

with a man a hell of a lot like me.

And I just want you to know that if you ever need any advice

I'm here.

Well, I have a system.

I bet you do.

Show me what you got there, kiddo.

First, I find a letter.

Aha.

Then, I make up a song about that letter.

Good night!

Whatcha doing?

My budget.

Ooh, oh, panties, you stay on there.

Hey, this is exciting for me, okay?

I cut all this stuff from my budget,

and I still have a little savings left over

to put in the bank every month.

I put my savings in that jar over the fridge.

That jar is empty.

No, I used my savings to buy that jar.

Hey, if you stay over on Friday,

we can go check out that farmer's market.

Oh, yeah, I'll definitely be here Friday.

I just gave up my apartment.

You did what? Y-you...

yeah, well, that was the biggest savings of all.

I mean, that place cost a fortune.

So, we're living together.

No. We're crashing.

Just until I get my job back.

It's gonna be fun, right?

Yeah!

Yes. Fun. Yes.

Crashing's fun. Crashing's so fun.

I l-love me some crashing.

So, do you want the hill or the valley?

Oh, whatever you want. You live here now.

Morning.

How'd you sleep?

Fan-freaking-tastic.

Oh, spending all your money on lunch.

Look who's already lost the bet.

It's a hot dog.

And a bun.

Enjoy your tiny wiener.

And your hot dog.

For your information, my tiny wiener only cost 79 cents.

Damn, that's cheap.

It's not cheaper than the buffet across the street, though.

You mean the grocery store?

And then for dessert, we had 10 packets of Splenda.

I got to be honest. I actually feel pretty good.

My teeth do hurt a little bit, but...

Hey, guys.

Hey, babe.

Oh, I was thinking about for dinner tonight,

maybe Ramen at our place.

I think you just said "our" place.

Ooh, did I? I'm sorry. I meant your place. I mean, I heard that.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not a big deal. Okay.

No, my place, your place, our place...

It's just a place.

Anyway, um, it's great seeing you.

I mean, I don't know why I'm freaking out, Lindsay.

I-I love him, but it's like...

We've only been dating for six months.

Oh, my God, we've been dating for six months.

That beats my last record by six months.

You don't have to tell me

about relationships moving too fast.

I mean, you meet a guy, things are hot and heavy,

and then, boom, next thing you know, Comic-Con is over.

And you see him without his armor,

and it turns out he's just another short, fat guy

who won't call you back.

Sweetie, I'm sorry.

Don't be. I stole his sword.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just over-tired.

I didn't sleep very well last night after Brody moved in.

Did you say, "Brody moved in"?

Well, yes, sir. He, uh...

I don't care.

Not getting sucked back into his life.

I mean, I feel bad, you know?

He only did it to try and save money.

Oh, to save money...

What could possibly go wrong with that?

Let me tell you something... nothing!

He didn't even tell me before he...

No.

Not gonna do it.

Got to go home!

Hey, check out that girl cleaning out the garbage.

Is she cute?

No, and she's a dude.

He's not even cute.

Yeah.

I'm so off my game, man.

You have no idea what it's like out there.

You're so lucky you have Jenny.

Yeah, I am.

Now you guys are living together? That's awesome.

How'd you ask her? Was it romantic?

Did you, like, sprinkle rose petals or release a dove?

Do you know how long it's been since I've released a dove?

You know, actually, I didn't do anything super-romantic.

I kind of just... Didn't leave.

That's unlike you.

I mean, you're all about the big moments.

You wrote her a song for your one-week anniversary.

You got to take it easy on me...

The falsetto's too much, huh?

It's really good.

You know, you're right, though.

I mean, she was freaking out

ever since I said I was crashing there.

She wants a commitment.

Yeah, of course she does, dude. She's a girl.

Oh, it was so obvious, too.

I mean, she said that she loved playing house with me,

that I should stay there every night.

Learn to take a hint, bro. She wants to be smothered.

Dude, that is such great advice.

Yeah, man. I know women.

What about her? Is she cute?

Uh, behind the old dude?

Never mind.

All right. Catch you later.

Or never.

Your call.

Jenny, thank God you're here.

I need your help.

Every woman in this bar has shot me down,

and I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I will buy you a car!

Oh. Okay.

You're here.

Sit down. Sit down.

We got to get this desperate off of you.

Okay, now, deep breath.

All that needs to happen

is that the women in here need to know

that one woman finds you attractive.

Okay, well, that's kind of the problem.

Mm, not for long.

I'm laughing like I think you're hilarious.

And now I'm stroking your hair

to show a level of physical attraction.

I love you.

- Stay focused, okay? - Mm-hmm.

And now I'm sulking

because that girl over there is staring,

and I'm getting jealous.

But she means nothing to me.

Threepeat, listen closely, okay?

Mm-hmm.

No, not that close. Mm-hmm.

Go to the bar, sit down, order a drink,

and do not talk to that girl for 10 minutes. Okay.

- Uh, I can maybe do 10 seconds. - That's great.

Hey, guys.

In a bar... on your budget.

Good way to lose the bet, Mr. Buffett.

Jimmy or Warren... it works both ways.

Ooh! Good burn.

I don't know who any of those people are, but ouch!

Yeah, well, uh, Harvard, nice try.

You're also in a bar.

Yeah, because I'm an urban survivalist.

I can go the entire night and not even spend a dime.

Okay. How'd you get that beer?

Use what little brain you have under those tight curls.

What is bar short for?

"Bar-ter."

Actually, the term was popularized in the old west

when a rail... or bar, if you will...

ran... what am I doing?

It's like, "hey, wind. Here comes piss."

Look.

If I want a beer, I "bar-ter" one lingering hug

with the bartender/former cult leader.

You feel good about yourself?

Yeah, always.

Round two?

Absolutely.

Hey, Frank, two more coors lights.

Get in here, fella!

Hey, babe.

Hey. There he is... my Brody.

Where I work, where I live, where I play,

Brody, Brody, Brody.

That's a lot of Brodys.

Mm-hmm. Sure feels that way.

Let's be honest.

This whole crashing-together thing, it's not what you want.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Thank you for saying that.

I'm so sorry, baby.

I just didn't know how to tell you.

No, no, no. It's my fault.

I handled the whole thing wrong.

Look, I'm just gonna come out

and say what I should have said in the first place.

Let's live together.

- I'm sorry. What? - Yeah.

No more crashing,

no more "just until I get my job back."

You and I are in this thing together, so I'm not going anywhere.

I have to go. I got to go.

Okay.

Somebody looks pretty pathetic.

Oh, dude, the drought is over.

Hooked up in a big way last night.

Oh, cool. Was anyone else there?

This time, yes.

And it got pretty weird pretty fast.

I think she gave me a rusty shower.

Well, what exactly did she...

No, you know what? I don't want to know.

How'd it go with Jenny?

Turns out your advice was not that great.

Oh, yeah, dude. I'm terrible with women.

Don't you know me?

Good morning, Mr. Mansfield.

I'm just here to take care of your plants.

Well, I think you've watered that one enough.

- How do you know, sir? - Well, it's a lamp.

Look, I'm sorry.

It's just things were going so well with Jenny.

And then I move in with... you know what?

You know what? I forgot. No chit. No chat.

Mr. Mansfield, I did it. I finally finished. Whew!

I'm still a little light-headed from the glue.

Well done, Ms. Harris.

Won't you... won't you please have a seat?

Tell me... how... how familiar are you

with the history of the conquistadors

of the 16th century?

Not super-familiar.

Well, in 1519,

Cort�s and his men were able to do something

that no one else had done in 600 years of trying.

He defeated the Aztecs.

His secret?

Well, he burned his own ships.

And the Aztecs were afraid of fire?

He did it to motivate his own men.

And his men were afraid of fire.

T-this will go much more smoothly

as soon as you understand it's not a conversation.

Gotcha.

Cort�s wanted his men to know that there was no way home

and that the only way for them to actually survive

was to defeat the Aztecs, and... well, it worked.

It turns out when...

when people feel cornered, well, they'll fight like hell.

Doesn't even matter how deeply they may actually care about each other.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, I wasn't talking to you,

but if you did glean some insight from what I said,

well, there's nothing I can do about that.

Can I just...

Don't ruin the moment.

So...

Good night. Okay.

Hey.

Uh, listen.

I-I'm so sorry that I've been freaking out.

I love you.

I love you. And I love having you here.

It's just that when I see you here, sometimes I just...

I feel like I'm falling and drowning at the same time.

I'm moving out.

Oh, no. Why?

I know this sounds crazy,

but I don't want to burn your ships.

Oh, you mean like Cortes?

Yeah, actually.

Anyway, I love living with you,

but I think we should wait until we're ready.

So I got my own place.

And, uh, it's not much, but I can afford it.

I mean, maybe you should just crash here tonight.

Well, I guess I could just move into my new place tomorrow.

Well, but tomorrow's almost the weekend, and...

We could check out that farmer's market.

I don't know. Let's just play it by ear.

Okay.

That sounds great.

Baby, thank you for moving out.

No problem.

Glad it worked out!

Thanks, Ray.

- He's so supportive. - He really is.

Well, well, well, lower the drawbridge.

Sir spend-a-lot is here.

Okay, okay. You got me.

But for the record,

I spent the last of my money trying to make Jenny happy,

and I regret nothing.

For the record,

I've spent the past three years trying to make Jenny happy,

and you're a dick.

All right, boys. Let's count it up.

All right, final count for Brody is $2.

And Harvard has $1.

What?!

Damn it! Why did I spend $2 on this celebratory licorice rope?

Oh, my God. I won!

Wait, what did we even play for?

The usual.

How's it going?

Hey.

Come on, man.

You guys got some numbers going on here?

What in the hell are you doing?

I'm streaking.

Well, don't most people run when they streak?

Most people feel shame.

Most people also feel fear.

Okay. Yeah. Oh, roger that.

I'm gonna just get this elevator here.

That's... okay.

Open the elevators!

Sync: Stevo

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