Original subtitles

So I had the dream again. Here it is. Okay, yes.

I'm in a speeding train headed towards a tunnel marked "Jenny."

Inside the train, I'm having sex...

With Jenny.

Guys! Guys, guys, guys! Big news!

- I'm going to Paris! - (Derrick) What?!

- TORI: What? - In a train with me?

- I can't believe you're going to Paris! - I know!

Did someone say Paris?

J'ai v?cu dans le neuvi?me arrondissement.

(Chuckles)

I did a semester at the Sorbonne.

You are what the French would call a "douche."

Well, uh, "douche" is actually French for "shower."

Damn it.

- I am going to Paris. - No way. You're kidding.

Yes! I've been saving credit card miles for eight years,

and I finally have enough.

Ah, Paris is my favorite city in the world.

Yes, we heard about your sore bone.

I love Paris.

I mean, I've never been there, but I fell in love with it

like every other 9-year-old girl when I saw the movie "Forget Paris."

Aww!

Wait, "Forget Paris," the Billy Crystal movie from, like, 20 years ago?

(Giggles) I know. I'm such a clich?.

(Laughs)

(Chuckles) Okay, so, uh, when's the trip?

Well, due to the blackout dates, it's either next week or...

October 2031.

(Chuckles)

Well, Mansfield owes me about 60 vacation days, so I'll see what I can do.

Oh, did you wanna go?

Oh. Did you not want me to go?

Oh, it's just I didn't know that you would want to go. (Chuckles)

Oh, I just said it was my favorite city in the world, like, twice. (Chuckles)

Oh, it's just that I-I booked this before I knew you.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Oh. (Chuckles) - Oh. (Laughs)

What's French for "She doesn't wanna go with you..."

"You giant shower"?

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Season 1, Episode 9 "The Decision: Part One"

She said she's wanted to go since she saw "Forget Paris."

Oh, it's a classic. It'll totally make you want to go to Paris.

I do want to go to Paris. Look, I want to go with Jenny,

but for some reason, she didn't ask me.

Well, it's a big jump going from dating someone to traveling together.

You've been with her, what, three months?

I don't know. 108 days exactly.

Look, I know we hide it well, but things have actually gotten kind of serious.

"Hide it"? You... you guys don't hide it. You guys are all over each other.

You guys are the reason why we had that company-wide H.R. meeting

about inappropriate behavior in the workplace.

I don't remember that.

Because you were making out the entire time.

You were groping her like a blind pickpocket.

Okay... (Scoffs)

All right, fine, we're affectionate.

Yeah, it's totally fine, man. You guys are in love.

Yeah.

(Inhales) Yeah, actually, I... I haven't told her I love her yet.

What? You tell me you love me all the time.

- Yeah, well, I do love you. - Well, I love you, too, man.

But why haven't you told her? It's not that hard.

I don't... I don't want to scare her off, you know? She's really skittish.

I once said "I love Hugh Jackman," and she totally freaked out.

Maybe it's 'cause you said "I love Hugh Jackman."

Oh, I'm sorry. Jean Valjean and Wolverine in the same year?

I love Hugh.

My point is, maybe that's why she didn't invite you to Paris, you know?

'Cause you haven't dropped the "L" bomb yet.

Of course that's why.

I have to tell Jenny I love her.

Do it. Do it. Just be real discreet about it,

like when you took her bra off at the fire drill.

So we will see Mr. Zhang tomorrow at 4:00 P.M. at my office.

Thank you, dear. (Cell phone beeps)

Scale of 1 to 10... How happy am I right now?

Uh... 10?

1!

Of course, my scale is in reverse order, 1 being the highest!

Oh. So then I was right.

You said 10. You couldn't have been more wrong.

Now tomorrow I have a very important meeting

with a potential new client, and let me just say

we're going to be discussing...

Big things.

Big, big things. Big, big things.

Very... big things.

Okay. You're being really coy, sir.

Am I?

Am I being coy?

As coy as a Southern Belle, sir.

(Southern accent) Well, I do declare, you might be on to something, Mr. Wen.

(Southern accent) Well, my heavens, your brazenness is giving me the vapors.

(Normal voice) Oh, well, that... that... that... that's enough.

Mister... Mister... Mr. Zhang is what we call a "game changer,"

therefore, Mr. Moyer, you will stay here.

Mr. Wen, you'll come to the meeting.

- Me? Why me? - Him? Why him?

Well, it's simple, Mr. Moyer.

Last week, you had a shot at a big client,

and it's time for Mr. Wen to prove his worth.

Damn right it is.

Also, Mr. Zhang doesn't speak a word of English,

and it says on your r?sum? that you are fluent in Mandarin.

It does?

You know, uh... Most people never get

to the bottom of a r?sum? where you list other skills.

I read every word. In fact,

when are you gonna stage that opera?

Uh...

Still looking for the right venue.

Oh, you're in luck. I'm on the, uh, board of the San Francisco opera.

You found your venue!

Now I gotta learn Mandarin and write an opera.

(Clicks tongue)

(Southern accent) Well, I do declare.

You are so screwed.

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah. I-is it about the Paris thing?

Uh, not exactly. Uh, I want to say something to you,

- ...but I don't want you to freak out. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - No, no, no!

I just said I don't want you to freak out.

Well, don't say that you don't want me to freak out,

because right when you say that, I start to freak out!

It's the weird mole on your neck, isn't it?

What? I have a weird mole on my neck?

Yes, baby, that's why I tell you to wear sunscreen!

But I'm never outside! Oh, my God!

- I can't believe this is happening to me! - Oh, my God! Oh, wait a minute.

- (Smacks lips) No, it's just chocolate. - Oh.

What a relief. So, um, we're good?

- Yes, thank God. - Okay.

No, no, that's not... it's... no.

That's not what I wanted to say at all.

Um, look, I want to say something to you, babe,

and there's never a really good time to say it,

so I feel like if I just say it right now,

then I'll just say it.

I love you, Jenny!

I realized that's what my dreams have meant. (Laughs)

The Washington Monument, the gushing oil derricks,

the hot dog eating contests...

Those are all things that I love.

Just like I love you.

Well, thank you, Harvard, and, hey, I love you, too.

Hey, what's going on? Jenny just said she loves me.

Uh, uh, just like I love you, Derrick.

- I love you, too. - I love you, Jenny.

I love you, too, Tori.

Are you frickin' kidding me?

I love all y'all! Group hug!

(All laughing)

Aw, aw, aw! I love you!

(Speaking Mandarin)

(Repeats in Mandarin)

Well, everyone told Jenny they loved her before I could.

They frickin' love-blocked me, man.

Well, do you know how a Chinese person would respond to that?

No. How?

No, I'm asking you. I don't speak Chinese.

Look, unless you can learn an entire foreign language in a day,

I really suggest you tell Mansfield.

You want me to tell Mansfield that I lied on my r?sum??

Yeah, I might as well tell him in not one-eighth cherokee.

Aren't both your parents from the Philippines?

All I know is that once a year I get a check from a casino in Connecticut,

and I don't ask any questions.

Gentlemen, Mr. Wen,

are there any Chinese phrases I should know for my big meeting tomorrow?

I mean, I'm obviously not gonna learn an entire new language in a day, right?

Yeah, you know, uh, Chinese is really a language

of meaningful pauses and gestures.

It's considered a sign of power to not talk.

For... for... for long periods, you know?

So... so don't be surprised if this meeting is filled

with what seems like silence and blank stares.

Okay. Let me, uh, let me give it a try.

What did I just say?

That I better not screw this up?

Oh, you're very good, kid! You're very good!

I'm bilingual. Do you love it?

Hey, babe.

Here we go.

You left before we had a chance to talk.

Yes. Uh, and I want to talk to you so badly right now.

Look... there's really no good way of saying this,

and I really didn't imagine doing it here,

- ...but I might as well just say... - Hey... hey, gang,

You mind having this conversation, like, anywhere else?

I have 18 hours to become fluent in Mandarin,

and I can't even get on the website, so...

Threepeat, you know who's fluent in Mandarin is Tori.

Are you serious? Can you spare her for a day so she can teach me?

(Laughs) Spare her? We don't even know what she does.

Can... can you ask her for me?

- Yeah, I'll make it happen. - Oh, my God! Jenny, I love you so much!

Oh! Thanks. I love you, too.

Unbelievable.

(French music playing)

(Romantic French music playing)

(Groaning sounds)

Aah! Aah! (Panting)

I can't let her take him to Paris!

(Sighs) Go back to sleep, sweetie. You're just having a bad dream.

Oh...

Okay, thanks.

Aah! (Panting)

Here you go, sir.

Got you the numbers for the, uh, thing.

It's in the back of the... whatever.

Ah. What's, uh...

What's the matter with you, son? You look like someone stole your cookies.

No, sir, it's... It's just that, um...

Are those my cookies?

Anything you leave on your desk is mine.

Uh, have a seat. Have a seat. (Sighs)

I'm trying to tell Jenny that I love her.

She doesn't know already? Hell, the rest of the world does.

It's why we had that annoying H.R. meeting.

Well, apparently she doesn't know.

She's planning a trip to Paris, and it never even occurred to her to invite me.

Paris. It's my favorite city in the whole planet.

(Chuckles) Did you ever see "Forget Paris"?

Was that on cable recently? Everyone is talking about it.

Well, you don't want to watch that on TV.

You want to see a film like that on the big screen.

Billy Crystal, 40 feet high? Doesn't get any better than that.

Anyway, uh, now that I haven't said it,

every minute that goes by makes me more and more stressed about it.

Son, have I ever told you what to do in your relationship?

At every single turn.

Then it... it should come as no surprise to you then

when you hear me say, now is not the time

to tell that girl that you love her.

I don't understand. I thought you liked Jenny.

I do. I love her.

Does she not know? Should... should I go tell her?

No. No one else needs to tell her they love her.

(Sighs) Look, big things are happening at this firm.

Now's not the time for you to complicate your life.

It's... it's KISMET.

- As in fate? - No. It's an acronym.

It stands for, "Keep It Simple, Moyer, Especially Today."

Did you just think of that?

It came to me as I said it. It was kismet.

Sir, have I ever ignored your relationship advice?

Only at every single turn.

Then you will not be surprised that no matter what, I'm gonna tell her today.

Well, don't be a SHMUCK. That stands for,

"Sometimes Happiness Messes Up Career..."

"Kevin"?

(Speaking Mandarin)

That means, "This boat goes very fast."

Okay, uh, I'm meeting with a tech billionaire,

and so far all the phrases you've taught me have the word "boat" in it.

That's 'cause I learned Mandarin over a year touring Asia as a boat show model.

She was in a Chinese boat calendar, but will she bring it in? No.

I told you, I was topless.

And I keep telling you, I'm cool with that!

I need some business phrases, okay?

Okay, okay. (Clears throat)

(Speaking Mandarin)

That means, "No, sir, I do not come with the boat."

Thank you so much. This has been super helpful.

Hey, remember, when all else fails...

Stroke the boat.

Yeah, when I'm fired, I'll have plenty of time to stroke the boat.

Jenny, you were in my dream again last night.

Was it gross?

Yeah. It was disgusting. Brody kissed you.

Well, that doesn't sound very gross.

Well, it was. I'll show you. You be Brody, I'll be you.

No. You be Brody, I'll be me.

Wait, no. No, I don't wanna do...

Look, Jenny, listen to me. I...

I don't think you should go to Paris with Brody.

It is... it's not a place for couples. It's...

Paris is the city of loners.

No. Paris is the city of lovers.

Well, then they have enough. (Chuckles)

Look, you know, I mean, I've been thinking about it,

and I keep going back and forth, you know?

On the one hand, Brody's so sweet,

and he speaks French, and it would be so romantic.

Get to the other hand. What is on that other hand?

Well, on the other hand, we've been dating for, what, like three months?

109 days exactly.

Yeah, and it's going really great, you know.

I don't want to push the relationship. We're already moving so fast.

So fast. Fast, yes.

Yeah... yes. Like a speeding train.

Yes, just like in my dream. Look at this.

Who's this guy spooning you?

Okay, that's private, all right?

Tell him Remington Trust has withstood the market's volatility

better than any other company in the country.

___

Oh!

He said, "Oh."

Yes, I got that.

Tell him that because we are a boutique firm,

we can react quickly to market changes.

___

(Speaking Mandarin)

Answer his question, Mr. Wen.

___

___

___ (Speaking Mandarin)

(Shouts in Mandarin) (Shouts in Mandarin)

Ha ha!

- Wh-what just happened? - We just closed the deal.

Ha ha, we closed the deal!

You speak Mandarin. I'm fired!

I speak a little Mandarin, but you are fluent

in the international language of bullshit!

- It's impressive. - Really?

Absolutely. I just watched you

tread water for 23 minutes with no knowledge of Chinese

and only a basic understanding of boats.

Now... I'm about to open up an office in Hong Kong,

and good things are about to happen to you.

Very good things. Now you didn't lie about anything else on your r?sum?, did you?

Oh, no sir. Everything else is completely true.

Good, 'cause I'm really looking forward to seeing those juggling skills.

Oh. Yes! You're alone.

Okay, I have something to tell you,

but I was hoping to do it in a place that had fewer dumpsters. (Chuckles)

I have to go to Paris alone.

What?

I'm so sorry, babe. I just...

I've been picturing this trip in my head

for so long, and it's just been me

and my backpack and a bag of pastries...

And for some reason, a little black dog

that follows me around everywhere I go. (Chuckles)

- Please don't hate me because I want... - I love you.

What?

I've wanted to say it since the first night we hooked up,

but, uh, I didn't want to scare you off.

Plus I wasn't sure of your name...

And I-I've wanted to say it every day since.

Jenny, I've never met anyone like you.

You're crazy and you're funny

and you're really gorgeous, and you're real.

And you bring out the best version of me.

And if you want to go to Paris alone, that's totally fine.

I just... couldn't let you go without saying that, Jenny, I love you.

(Gasps) Oh, my God. (Giggles)

I love you, too.

I really love you.

- Please come to Paris with me. (Laughs) - Of course I will. (Laughs)

(Speaking inaudibly)

I just had the best night of my life.

Really? Because if you had the best night of your life,

you'd be me, because Jenny told me she loved me.

Oh, I'm so happy for you, man. My night crushed yours.

Because Mansfield and I went out partying,

and everything was coming up Threepeat.

But the point is, I trashed my place, told my landlord to suck it,

because I'm not gonna need my apartment anymore,

and you know what? He's gonna tell you why.

All right, everyone gather round. Mr. Wen, Mr. Moyer.

Now, as you all know, for the last year, I've been preparing to open a new office.

We didn't know where, didn't know when. I didn't even know who was gonna run it.

But today... ha ha ha...

Today I have all the answers.

The when is next week, the where is Hong Kong,

and the who is Wen...

Me. My last name is Wen.

I'm doing a wordplay thing. It... it doesn't matter.

The point is...

None of you guys thought I could do it,

so screw you, screw you, screw you,

you, I have always wanted to sleep with, I think we can make time when I get back

from Hong Kong!

Threepeat...

- You're not going to Hong Kong. - What?

But I... I crushed that meeting.

You... I was gonna move to Hong Kong and finally not be the Asian guy.

You did crush it. You truly crushed it,

which is why I want you to stay here in this office and be my new Brody.

- But I gave up my apartment. - That was dumb.

What's happening to the old Brody?

Congratulations, son.

You're going to Hong Kong.

What?

I wanted to tell you the first day I met you.

But I was afraid it would scare you off, and I...

You're my guy.

(Chuckles)

Congratulations, son.

We leave in two days.

Uh, I-I'm supposed to go to Paris with Jenny.

Forget Paris.

___

(French music playing)

(Coin rattles)

(Drumming)

Hey, what are you doing? You're in my dream.

No, man, you are all up in my dream.

How do you know?

(French accent) Bonjour. Would you like to see my boat show calendar?

Just this once.

Now get out of here before Jenny catches me sleeping in the supply closet.

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