Original subtitles

Isn't this nice?

We're all here together sharing family time.

Mom, please. "celebrity pet castle" is on.

Who would have thought a show about celebrity pets.

Living together in a castle would be so great?

Last week, howie mandel's cat.

- Ate one of jack black's guppies. - Oh, cool.

- I was thinking we could turn the tv off. - Wait! Not now.

- They're starting with an elimination! - I'll get the popcorn.

I would not want to be beyonce's hamster right now.

What?

Mouse! I saw a mouse!

It was like this big.

And your high-pitched girl scream scared it away.

Hey hey hey, look at this.

Mouse droppings.

Oh, bill.

That's a rocky mountain grey...

Female...

About to be a mother.

That is just gross.

I do not want a mouse or mouse babies in this house.

Aw, mouse babies.

Ew!

Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.

You know what? Have a seat.

Watch a master exterminator in action.

Or we could get back to the show.

Simon cowell's turtle is coming out of his shell.

Oh!

♪ today's all burnt toast ♪

♪ running late, and dad says ♪

♪ has anybody seen my left shoe? ♪

♪ I close my eyes, take a bite ♪

♪ grab a ride, laugh out loud ♪

♪ there it is up on the roof ♪

♪ I've been there, I've survived ♪

♪ so just take my advice ♪

♪ hang in there, baby ♪

♪ things are crazy ♪

♪ but I know your future's bright ♪

♪ hang in there, baby ♪

♪ there's no maybe ♪

♪ everything turns out all right ♪

♪ your life is up and down ♪

♪ but trust me, it comes back around ♪

♪ you're gonna love who you turn out to be ♪

♪ hang in there, baby. ♪.

Ah, this thing is so frustrating.

- Dad, can I get a new phone? - Nope.

Daddy.

Can I please get a new phone, please?

Well, since you put it like that...

No.

But this old phone is useless.

I can't download apps, I can't post status updates.

The only thing I can do on it is talk.

Nobody does that anymore.

Okay, you want a new phone?

There you go. New phone.

Unlimited minutes. And it squeaks.

Good for you, dad.

Tell the princess no for once.

Excuse me, but this princess.

Spends a lot less time on her hair than you do.

What's your problem, anyway?

My problem is everything gets handed to you.

This is like the first time in history something didn't go your way.

Look, honey, if you want a phone, get a job.

I'm only 15. What kind of job could I get?

All right, you know what? There's all sorts of dogs in the neighborhood.

- You could walk dogs. - Or...?

Or not get a new phone.

Teddy, a job isn't just about money.

It's also about self-worth and dignity.

Wow.

Okay, everybody, we are off to our music class.

You look so cute.

Aww, charlie, did you hear what your big sister said about you?

I was talking to you, mom.

Oh, you're so sweet.

And you're not getting a phone.

Okay, people, the fried chicken business has taken a hit.

Apparently fried is now bad for your health.

So we need to think of ways of increasing our sales.

Dazzle me! You.

How about we introduce tacos to our menu?

Too easy, too expected. Push it, people.

Punch it! Yeah?

How about we fry up other, cheaper kinds of meat.

And tell people it's chicken, only it's not chicken?

We're already doing that. You had number three lately?

Work with me, minimum wagers.

- Give me something! - What do you got, j.P.?

- It's p.J. - Whatever. Go.

Well, what if weive the business a face?

Someone who is kwikki chikki.

Someone to put on posters and bags and buckets.

- Like bobby burger. - I like bobby burger.

He always eathe burgers.

See? That is what we're missing.

We don't have a mr. Kwik!

Mr. Kwik? Mr. Kwik. Tell me more.

Well, he should be an employee.

Probably young, good looking,

- Healthy. - You're thinking me, right?

Or someone young,

Good looking, healthy.

Mr. Kwik.

I'm going to sleep on it.

All right, people, doors open in 10, so look lively.

Oh, and what is that smell?

- That's our chicken. - Oh.

20 years in the business. You never get used to it.

What are you doing, dad?

I am loading the mouse trap with a tasty little snack.

Of peanut butter and horror.

You haven't caught that thing yet?

Kids, let me explain something to you.

Now I'm not just a guy who catches things.

Clearly.

I am also an expert in animal behavior.

Now the rocky mountain grey feeds at night.

So by tomorrow morning this trap.

Is going to have a mouse in it.

And that, my friend, is a guarantee.

100%.

Somebody needs to take him down a peg.

Are you gonna mess with dad?

I'm gabe. It's what I do.

♪ that's the way the money goes ♪

♪ pop goes the weasel. ♪.

Good job.

Great job, everybody.

Okay, we're gonna take a little juice break,

Then we will come back for dance-a-lance-a-ling-long!

Oh.

- I'm elaine, by the way. - Nice to meet you.

I'm amy, and this is my daughter charlie.

Charlie?

Like, charlie brown?

No, not like charlie brown.

Charlie, like, short for charlotte.

Oh well, as long as it makes sense to you.

- And who is this? - This is brittany.

Yes, you are.

- Oh, that's so adorable. - Yeah.

You named her after a troubled pop star.

I noticed charlie was very good at clapping.

Oh yes, it's one of her many talents.

Aww, brittany was clapping at six months, so...

Charlie makes animal sounds.

Charlie, what does a cow say?

Woof.

Very impressive.

Oh, just so you know,

Next class, we're asking every mom and child.

- To perform a song together. - Oh, that sounds fun.

And just so you know, it's not a competition.

It wouldn't be fair with my musical theater background.

I was on broadway.

Oh, and now you're here,

So we see how that turned out.

What happened to you?

I took your suggestion and became a dog walker.

A great dane and a larbadoodle.

Took turns dragging me through a puddle.

So thanks.

You're welcome.

What's in the bag?

Mostly great dane.

- Where should I put it? - Trash can.

Mrs. Dabney's trash can.

Hey, dad, guess what.

You washed the car like I asked?

You are really bad at guessing.

No, I had an idea at work and my boss loved it.

- Hey, good for you. - Yeah, it was a great moment.

And who knows?

Mr. Kwik could be the start of something big.

This is amazing.

Ever since you became mr. Kwik business is booming.

I just want to say, thank you, p.J.

How am I gonna get all that money home?

You could put it in the trunk.

Of your brand new car!

Can I have your autograph, mr. Kwik?

Absolutely.

And who am I making this out to?

Mrs. Kwik.

Nice car.

When are you gonna wash mine?

Dad, get out of my fantasy.

Hello, little mouse.

Want to help me mess with dad?

Dad!

We have a mouse?

No. But the bait is gone.

What?

Oh, come on. That's impossible.

- How could a mouse do that? - I don't know.

It's almost like he's mocking you.

Okay, mouse wants to dance,

We're gonna dance.

I wonder what kids with smart dads do for fun.

Guys, I'm going inside for just a minute.

And while I'm gone no sniffing,

No biting and no scooching.

And brutus, come here.

Buddy, remember, fifi is not a chew toy, okay?

So, mitch, did you have a chance to think about my mr. Kwik idea?

Yes, I did, j.P. Or should I say...

- Mr. Kwik! - Really? Me?

Yup, you're the new face of kwikki chikki.

I see great things ahead for you. The future is bright.

Does the future include a bump in pay?

No, it does not.

Well, doesn't matter.

Being mr. Kwik is reward enough.

- Free soft drinks? - No.

But you were right, kid.

The face of kwikki chikki needs to be young,

Healthy, good looking.

Like that!

- You mean this? - Oh, no no no, this ain't that.

This is good but that is great.

She can't be mr. Kwik. She's a girl.

Then forget about mr. Kwik.

She'll be our kwikki chick.

Are you ready to be the face of kwikki chikki?

I just wanted to use the bathroom.

I just don't understand why you're mad at me.

I'm mad at you because you did it again.

You walked right in there and got the job handed to you.

- My job. - I didn't do it on purpose.

Do you know how long I was mr. Kwik?

37 seconds.

That's too quick.

What do you want me to do?

Quit. You already have a job.

Walking dogs? It's disgusting.

No offense, guys.

P.J., I'm sorry you didn't get the job,

But I'm not sorry I did.

Of course you're not, princess.

- Stop calling me that! - Stop being that!

Oh, brutus, again? Really?

I'm gonna miss you least of all.

Night vision goggles... check.

- What are you doing? - I'm catching a mouse.

With night vision goggles? Really?

Whatever it takes.

Nobody makes a fool of bob duncan.

No, he does that all by himself.

Go back upstairs to bed and let the expert do his job.

Go get mommy.

♪ ee-I-ee-I-oh! ♪

- Break a leg. - Uh-huh.

Okay, here we go, baby.

♪ twinkle twinkle little star ♪

♪ how I wonder what you are ♪

♪ up above the world so high ♪

♪ like a diamond in the sky. ♪.

No no no, charlie, grab the flashlight.

Put it back on mommy. Put it back on mommy.

♪ the itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout ♪

♪ down came the rain ♪

♪ and washed the spider out. ♪

Charlie honey, I need you focus.

Mommy's about to do her big finish.

♪ hickory dickory rock ♪

♪ the mouse ran up the clock ♪

♪ the clock struck 12:00, then somethinglse ♪

♪ I said hickory dickory rock! ♪.

Thank u, denver!

There's our kwikki chick!

All right, so all you have to do is sit here,

- Sign autogphs and eat chicken. - I can do that.

- J.P., get over here. - P.J.

Wrong. From now on your name is assistant.

As in assistant to the kwikki chick.

If she needs anything, ani mean anything,

You get it forer.

Now, mitch, p.J. Doesn't have to wait on me.

Oh, yes he does. Because in our little kingdom.

You're the princess.

It's warm in here. Are you warm?

I do not want you perspiring. Fan her.

Um, mitch, he's not doing it right.

- I want you to fan me. - Oh, actually...

I'm the princess. Fan me, rich.

- It's mitch. - Wrong! Now fan me.

- How's this? - Don't look at me.

- Teddy, what are you doing? - Silence.

Um, can you just eat the chicken now?

Fine!

Mmm! Oh, that's awful!

She means awful good.

Ugh!

How can you people eat this stuff?

They should call this place icky chikki.

Get out! You're fired!

Oh oh oh oh! And f.Y.I.

The number three is horse meat, okay buddy?

And delicious.

And half off.

Hey, dad.

You're still in your bathrobe.

- Why aren't you dressed? - What's the point?

Shouldn't you be at work?

There is no work. I quit my job.

Wait, what?!

If I can't catch a little mouse,

I don't deserve to call myself an exterminator.

I'm sorry.

I'm a failure.

No, dad. You're not a failure.

You caught the mouse the first night.

I was pranking you. I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean for you to quit your job.

I got ya!

- What?! - I've been pranking you.

- No way. - Yeah way.

How'd you figure it out?

I told you, I'm an expert at animal behavior.

All right, I saw you let the mouse go.

So that thing you did with the mouse traps,

You did that on purpose?

Yes, I did that on purpose.

You can't prank me, I prank you.

- That's how it works. - Oh no.

That's how it used to work.

How does it feel to be on the other side?

I don't know who I am anymore.

Walking dogs again?

Uh, yeah.

Gotta get that phone somehow.

And it beats working at kwikki chikki.

- By the way, thanks. - For what?

For going all diva and getting fired on purpose.

It meant a lot to me.

I don't know what you're talking about?

Didn't you throw that tantrum just to help me?

Doesn't sound like me.

Okay, well, however you want to play it,

- I owe you a solid. - Here.

This is mostly solid.

Oh, look at that.

Your brother and sister are sharing.

Hey, how was "music and me"?

Fine.

Listen, could you take charlie to class next time?

And all the other times after that?

What happened?

There was a little misunderstanding.

Apparently the me in "music and me"

Isn't me.

Hey, charlie. It's me, p.J.

I'm taking over teddy's video diary to tell you that,

Even though she didn't want to admit it,

She did something really nice for me today.

I guess sometimes we really do care about each other.

Who knows, maybe this is the start of a whole new...

P.J., what are you doing with my camera?!

- I'm talking to charlie. - Give me that.

- No, I'm not done yet! - Oh, yes you are.

With a sister like this, good luck, charlie.

Hey, I say that!

Good luck, charlie.

Oh. Hi.

Hello.

Look, elaine, I probably owe you an apology.

I mean, making a competition out of.

Singing nursery rhymes, it's ridiculous.

No apology necessary. I can be very competitive.

Believe me, no one's more competitive than me.

I was voted most competitive at competition school.

- May I take your order? - Yes.

♪ a three piece combo is what I'd like ♪

♪ and a kid's meal for my little tyke... ♪

♪ I will have your six piece platter ♪

♪ slaw or potato salad, it don't matter... ♪

♪ jumbo shake and a side of fries... ♪

♪ might as well stick 'em on your meaty thighs. ♪

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