Original subtitles

Hi, Charlie. It's your big sister Teddy with my video diary.

So today, I want to talk to you about best friends.

You bragging about me again?

Huh. Yeah, this is Ivy. She's my BFF.

I'm also her hero,

the wind beneath her wings, the hip in her hop,

the peanut to her butter.

- I am... - The mouth that wouldn't shut.

Let's see how we're looking.

Perfect!

- I'd date us. - I'd marry us.

- So what's the big news? - You are not gonna believe what I did for you.

I saw the cutest guy working at the mall food court...

And pause for dramatic effect...

Tomorrow I'm going to talk to him.

How is this something you're doing for me?

Maybe he has a friend. The cute ones always have a friend.

I mean, I have you, right?

Hi, girls. What you doing?

Nothin'.

- How's it going, Ivy? - Real good.

Ignore her. She'll go away.

You girls are always on those phones.

- Who are you texting now? - Nobody.

- Clueless! - I wish I could do that.

Hey, then you and I could text each other. Wouldn't that be fun?

Oh my gosh, mom, I'd love that!

- I don't think I can text from this phone. - Oh, well!

Sure you can, miss d. What's your number?

555-0134.

Not ignoring.

What is that noise?

I just sent you a text.

Just hit that button to read it.

Well, look at that.

Oh, that's funny, Ivy.

Then your response is "L.O.L."

"Laugh out loud."

No... no, mom. You don't do it, you type it.

Or if you want to get a little saucy,

You can wink.

Not there. There.

Just a semicolon and parentheses.

Oh, that does look like a wink.

I can't believe I'm finally a texter.

Let's see if it works from the kitchen!

- "W.H.Y.D."? - What have you done?

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Yeah, this is way more fun since you've learned how to clap.

Don't ignore me!

When I tell you to do something, I expect you to do it!

Get off my back, woman!

You want me off your back?

I can arrange that.

Charlie, those are our neighbors, the Dabneys.

They've been married a long time.

Hey, P.J., I just kicked the football

Into the Dabneys' backyard. Will you go get it?

No way! They're going at it again.

- Well, what about the football? - Who cares?

It's gone. Kiss it goodbye.

Well, I'm glad to hear you say that

Because it was your football.

Ha! I warned you!

That's what you get for being a bad husband!

And now you're dead!

Is somebody out here?

Who's out here?

- Where's the football? - Forget the football!

Mrs. Dabney just murdered Mr. Dabney!

What?!

I heard her talking to his corpse.

It was chilling.

Just so I'm clear,

You didn't get the football?

- I'm serious, Gabe. - Come on!

Mrs. Dabney may be a mean, vicious, cruel,

Horrible, nasty old witch,

But she'd never do something like that.

- You don't believe me? - No.

Fine. Fine, I'll prove it.

Come here, Gabe.

Hello?

Is Mr. Dabney home?

He... can't come to the phone.

Interesting.

Who is this?

Uh... I'm some sort of salesman.

Gabe, is that you?

Why would you assume my name is Gabe?

Because I have caller ID.

Oh! Then yeah, it's Gabe.

Hey!

Whoo! She's cool under pressure, I'll give her that.

- P.J., she's not a murderer. - I heard what I heard, Gabe.

Why don't you believe me?

Because you're you and you get things wrong.

What are you saying, that I'm dumb?

Well, no.

You're just not very...

- Thinky. - Thinky?

Gabe, why would you say something like that?

'Cause mom said I can't call you dumb.

It is so pathetic.

My mom's in the kitchen texting away.

Gosh, I'd hate to be on the other end of that conversation.

Who are you texting?

- Your mom. - I am so sorry.

Look, I promise I'll get her out of your hair.

No, it's okay. Your mom's cool.

My mom is what?

And she's really funny.

My mom is what?

Wait, that's her again.

What are you talking about with my mom?

- Nothing. - Nothing?!

That's what say to her!

Hold on, I have to "L.O.L." Her.

Okay, well "L.O.L." Has officially lost all meaning.

I'm sorry. Is this a problem for you?

No, I just think it's a little bit inappropriate.

Inappropriate? Now you sound like my mother.

Well, how would you know what your mother sounds like?

You've been spending so much time with mine!

What are you getting so whacked about?

You didn't want to text her.

Well yeah, that's because she's my mom, not my friend.

- Wouldn't you be weirded out if I was texting your mom? - Yes...

Because she doesn't have a cell phone.

Look, t, if you're not cool with this,

I'll just stop.

No no, I don't care. I mean, it's a free country.

Go crazy... text my mom,

I.M. My dad, video-Chat my aunt helen.

Oh! Your aunt helen?

Your mom says she is da bomb diggitty!

My mom really said "da bomb diggitty"?

Well, I y have added that part.

P.J. You've got to stop watching these mysteries.

Not until I figure out how to catch Mrs. Dabney.

These old movies are gonna help me do that.

That's like saying cartoons will teach you

How to run through walls.

Learned that the hard way.

Mom! Can you get that?!

Sure, I'll get the door. I am a lot closer to it.

Hello, Mrs. Dabney.

- Hello. - Come on in.

Heads up! Killer in the house.

What have they done this time?

For once, nothing... that I know of.

It's nice to see you too.

I'd like to speak with your husband, please.

I'll let him know you're here.

I'm a texter now.

I'm texting.

Really speeds things up.

Somebody lose a ball today?

Possibly. Did you lose anything today, Mrs. Dabney?

Honey, what does this mean: "somebody's at the doof."

O.M.G.!

I meant "door"!

T.T.Y.L.

What can I do for you, Mrs. Dabney?

- You're an exterminator, righ - Pest control specialist.

Maybe you can help me with a problem I'm having.

How do I get the smell of death out of my house?

Will you turn that tv down?

- So youhink something died in your house? - Oh, I know something's dead.

Well, first thing you're gonna have to do

Is locate and dispose of the carcass.

I suppose you could get Mr. Dabney to do that.

Oh, Mr. Dabney won't be doing anything

Around the house for a while...

A long while. He's... gone.

You know what, would you just turn it off?

What's wrong with your boys today?

I just got here.

Um, all right, old trick of the trade...

Get yourself some maple syrup, put it on the stove,

Let it simmer... that should get rid of the smell.

Thank you. That very useful information.

Bye, boys.

"I.T.B.O.O.T.P."...

What does that stand for?

In the bathroom out of toilet paper!

T.M.I.!

I can't believe it, but you were right!

Mrs. Dabney did it.

Wow! This is what it feels like to be right, huh?

I like it!

Too bad somebody had to die, but...

- What are we gonna do now? - I have to tell mom and dad!

They're never gonna believe you.

I didn't believe you and I'm 10.

Well, then we need proof.

And I have to warn you, Gabe, until we get that proof,

Our lives may be in danger.

I thought we turned that off.

What'd you get for number nine?

Switzerland.

Well, that's odd since we're doing math.

- Hi. - Hi.

Mom, what are you doing here?

You weren't supposed to pick me up until 5:00.

Teddy left a message and said to come by early...

Something about "chilling"?

Yeah, that's right.

Thought your mom and I could chill for a little while.

Really? This is what you're doing?

Yeah well, this is what we're doing,

So if you will excuse us,

- We'd like a little privacy please. - Sure. Fine.

I'll be in the kitchen with your mom.

Come on over.

Sit down next to me, girlfriend.

What's this all about? Is Ivy in trouble?

Oh, no!

Is she back on the chocolate?

No no no, Ivy's fine.

I just wanted to spend some time

With one of the cool moms.

You.

Okay.

I love your outfit. Where'd you get it?

My closet.

You are so funny. I bet you get that a lot, right?

- No. - No?

Are we done chilling?

Yes. Yes, we are because it is time to Par-Tay. Let's get this jam started!

Yeah! Come on, Miss W! Let your freak flag fly!

That's kind of loud. Could you lower that, please?

Yeah.

A little bit more.

A little bit more.

Perfect.

Hey, want to do something fun?

I like making these video diars for my baby sister.

So how about we say hi?

Hi, Charlie. It's Teddy here

With my new friend Mrs. Wentz.

Hello.

Let's see how we look.

Oh, I'd date us. Wouldn't you?

I'm married.

Okay, that's enough of that.

No, you know what? We've been doing a lot of my fun stuff.

Tell me... tell me about you. What do you like to do for fun?

I like to knit.

That is so cool because... anything else?

- I like to read. - Oh, yeah? Me too.

- What kind of stuff do you like to read? - Knitting magazines.

That's awesome. I mean, weave so much in common...

You know, once I start reading knitting magazines,

Which you're pulling out of your bag.

Okay, she's gone.

Here's how this is gonna go dodown.

I'm gonna jump over the fence, you hand Charlie to me.

- And then... - Or I could just walk through the gate

Like this.

You did know there was a gate, right?

Yes. Would I be riding on top of it if I didn't?

- Now what? - Now it's time to be

In operation "catch a killer"...

While babysitting.

So, what are we looking for?

Evidence, clues, a weapon.

Mr. Dabney's rotting corpse would be nice.

Oh my gosh, that's horrible!

- What? What do you see? - That paint color...

It's so wrong for that room!

- I watch a lot of design shows. - Focus!

- Look. Something's moving. - Where?

By the couch, right... right there.

- It's a baby! - It's Charlie!

No, it's not. Charlie's right over...

Inside the murder house!

Okay, try to stay with me now

Because we're going to get a little wild.

Instead of knit one, purl two,

We kick it up to knit one, purl three!

Is that even legal?

I don't know,

But I just like living dangerously!

Okay, I'm gonna go get something to drink.

- Do you want anything? - Oh, not now.

I'm in the zone!

What you doing in here?

Giving up.

Did she suck the life out of you?

Yeah, pretty much.

Now you see why I'm always at your house.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

I was being selfish with my mom.

And even though I think it's a little bit weird,

You can xt her as much as you want.

I think I got a better idea.

And then, get this,

If you type in a semicolon parentheses,

- You get a... - Winky face!

I have got to get a cell phone.

I like it. You put our moms together

And they leave us alone. You are brilliant.

See, this is why we're B.F.F.S.

I'm brilliant and you recognize it.

Now if I type "R.O.T.F."

Do I actually have to roll on the floor?

I thought the same thing at first,

But no.

This'll get her out.

Charlie loves things that rattle.

Okay, girl. Charlie, come on.

Get the keys. Get the keys!

Aw, man! I dropped the keys.

Fantastic!

Now we can't get into our house either.

- I don't see Charlie. Where'd she go? - Oh, there she is.

Wait, what is she putting on her head,

A dishtowel?

Mrs. Dabney's underpants!

Man!

Come on, we gotta get her out of there.

Yeah, come on!

What are you doing in my yard?

We're here to help you with your groceries.

You want to be helpful?

I like to try new things.

Here, let me give you a hand with that.

I can handle the grocies.

But as long as you're here,

I could use yourelp with something inside.

Inside? Perfect.

Let me just put my groceries down.

- Take your time. - Yeah. Yeah.

Where's Charlie?

- Look behind the curtains! - Okay.

- Nothing! - There she is!

Oh, I've got you.

I don't want it!

Where did that baby come from?

Charlie? I've been holding her the whole time.

- You have? - That's sad, Mrs. Dabney.

They say the eyes are the first things to go.

We gotta go.

Not so fast. Put the baby down.

I need you to carry something out for me.

I want you to take this trunk out to my car.

It's too heavy for me.

- Why? What's in it? - Something I should've

Gotten rid of a long time ago.

- Where are you taking it? - To the dump.

That's where you take trash, isn't it?

Trash?!

Mr. Dabney wasn't trash, he was a person!

- What are you talking about? - You know exactly what I'm talking about.

You bumped off your husband and stuffed him into that trunk.

- Is that what you think?! - That's what we know!

What is she... oh, watch it!

She's kill-Crazy!

You want to see what's in here?

Take a look.

It's Mr. Dabney!

And he's already decomposed!

That's not Mr. Dabney.

That's a skeleton he used in his classroom.

He used to be a science teacher.

But I heard you screaming at him.

You called him a bad husband and then you said,

"And now you're dead!"

Oh! You must have heard me talking back

To someone on my soaps.

Soaps?

Soap operas... on tv...

Like the one they should name after you two...

"The young and the clueless."

Well, if Mr. Dabney isn't dead, then where is he?

At his mother's probably wishing he was dead.

Well, then how do you explain the smell of death

- You asked my dad about? - Dead possum in my dryer vent.

Well, then how do you explain...

That's pretty much it, I guess.

Just one more question...

Do you have any cookies?

Get out.

What are my underpants doing in the fireplace?

Gotta go!

Here she comes!

Coolest mom in the world!

Okay, what's all this?

Oh, just showing Charlie how much I love you.

Oh, I love you too, sweetie.

And I love you too, Charlie.

Oh, so mom, I've been thinking...

Maybe you and I should start texting.

I mean, you are a pretty cool mom, right?

Oh, sorry, honey. Those days are over.

Text thumbs.

Text thumbs? That's our mom...

From cool to embarrassing just like that.

All right. Good luck, Charlie.

Hey, guys. Better make your friend a sandwich.

He's looking a little thin.

Where'd you guys get that thing?

Mrs. Dabney was throwing it out.

Yeah, it belonged to Mr. Dabney. He was a science teacher.

Mr. Dabney wasn't a science teacher. He was a music teacher.

What?!

- That means... - This is...

Mr. Dabney wasn't a music teacher.

You're thinking of... of Mr. Dixon across the street.

Oh, that's right. Mr. Dabney was a science teacher.

The boys seem a little jumpy to you?

Ah, I just got here.

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