All language subtitles for Girlfriends Guide to Divorce s05e03 Rule 097 It Takes Two to Stab Yourself in the Butt.eng

- Previously on "Girlfriends'
Guide to Divorce"...

- I need help.
- We're gonna get you help.

- Robbie is in New Mexico,
he's doing the work,

and he needs his family.

- His family's here.

- You and Robbie
have a lot of crap.

You're gonna have to work
that out before he gets back.

- What do you mean?
- He's ready to come home.

- I'm in love with you,
you dumb ass!

- I'm in love with you!

- Four years ago, my husband
left me for my sister.

- Oh, my God.

- We were married
for eight years.

- How are you and Darrell doing?
- He's out of town.

- I don't know
what's wrong with you.

- I don't deserve you,
Darrell.

- Are you breaking up
with me?

- So are you... staying?

- Yeah, I was,
I was thinking I would.

I'd like to break our
family tradition.

- I'm going to get
a sperm donor.

- Wow.
- Why?

- I'm not looking
for the right person.

I'm looking for
the right baby.

- I want you
to move in with me.

- What?

We're really doing this.
- Yeah.

- A new job
would make it easier.

- Are you taking the job?

- Abby, the job, me and Colette
working together, it's baseball.

- Right.
- It's my first love.

- You should do it,
absolutely.

- I can't wait
to tell the kids.

- Me too.

[upbeat music]

♪

- I'm Jango Fett!

- You were Jango last time.

- I got you!

I blew off your head,
now it's...

- Has anyone seen my phone?

- Look out! General Mylan's
is on our tail!

He's dive bombing us!

- I see a cave over there.

- I got you in the face!
- Did not!

- Lilly's lost her phone.

Will she find it?

Suspenseful.

- Can you just help me,
Simone?

- I'm in production
for my web series today, sorry.

- All right, I think
the pancakes are ready.

All right,
everybody, reel it in!

- Pancake animal shapes
and everything.

- Oh, that's right.
- Show off.

- I slay at breakfast.

And look at you,
with the plain eggs.

Impressive
and fluffy.

- Inappropriate.

Children are present.

- Oh, come on, Simone,
you know that affection

is the foundation
of every family unit.

- A bit loose with the word
"family" there,

Abby, but whatevs.

- She'll warm up to you.

- Yeah, whatever, it's,
you know, she's funny.

She's a hoot.

All right,
let's do this!

To the table we go-go.

- All right, boys,
put the swords down.

Grab these fruit bowls,
please.

Simone.

Phone down.

- We've got an owl
like you like.

Let me get you some fruit.

Look at us!
This is amazing.

We got a whole
weekend of bonding.

Who's looking forward
to family game night?

I know I am.

- I have plans.

- Board games
are for lame-o's.

- Asher, try new things.

- It's not board games.

We actually do our own
version of Celebrity.

It's always a blast,
right, Lil?

- Yeah.
[phone vibrates]

- Hey, hey, hey, I thought we
were doing a phone-free table.

- Well, it's Colette,

the foundation event
I'm helping her coordinate

has us a little...
stressed out.

- Oh, yeah,
you look really stressed.

- Stop. She was just making
fun of one of our co-workers.

- I thought you guys were
in different departments.

Sorry, I'm--

Let's get back to talking about
our fantastic weekend plans,

because I made a reservation at
my favorite Italian restaurant--

which is a real hot spot,
by the way--

and who here likes Italian?

Raise your hands!

Whoo-whoo!

What?
Thanks.

[phone vibrates]
- I...

am not answering that
because it is family time.

- Family time.

Yes.

♪

- Jesus, Mary and Josephine.

You were killin' me
today, Smalls.

- Sorry, I'm sorry.
I needed to get some shit out.

- Yeah, I could tell,
as could my bruised ribcage.

This about Frump
moving back?

Look...

I know that you're stressed
because when you have a lot

on your mind you get
a little tic

on the right side
of your nose.

[laughing]

You're adorable,
by the way.

- Okay, look, I'll admit it,
yes, I am a little bit worried,

he's my ex-husband and...

Frump and LA don't mix.

- Right, but from
what you told me,

he seems to be getting
his act together, so,

maybe you can give him
the benefit of the doubt?

- Well, he finished rehab,
but you need to brace yourself.

Like every giant
alcoholic man-baby,

he's gonna eventually
want his ba-ba.

- Hey, about about we cross the
Frump bridge when we come to it?

- "We"?
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

You're turned on right now?

I'm sweaty, I smell
like a leftover hot dog.

- Ooh, I like the way
you smell.

- Look at you,
talking sweet to me.

- Well, it's about to get
sweeter, toots,

because I got us two box seats
to "Madame Bovary"--

hottest ticket in town--
'cause I am fancy like that.

- Oh! Oh! Yeah, classy!

Wow!

Is this the one
with the hooker in it?

The one that "Pretty Woman"
is based on?

- No, that's "La Traviata".

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

- Are there hookers
in this at all?

- Not technically, no.

- Oh, okay, thank you.

♪

- So I sit down
in my cubicle,

and my pants ripped...
- No, stop it.

- Right up my butt.

- Tony... this is why you don't
buy a pair of cheap pants

from a rando guy
at a pop-up corner store.

Let me buy you a new
pair of pants.

- Yeah, not happening.

Also, we talked about this.
- What?

- The helicopter sistering.
- Oh.

- How about you don't worry
about me for a while?

- Oh, okay.

- Yeah, just...
do you.

- Look, Ralf has the kids for,
like, a week.

I've basically been meditating
and brunching my ass off.

I have never been so relaxed
in my entire life.

- Well, I'm talking
about dating.

It's time.

- Yeah, maybe I'll brush off
the old smart phone

and give the dating apps
another whirl.

- Let's do it!

I'm totally game
to get back out there too.

- Tony.

I think you need to focus
on you right now

and your personal growth.

I mean, why don't you
get your GED?

[imitating helicopter]
- This is a helicopter.

- I know, land it,
make that sound.

[imitating helicopter
slowing down]

You're such a dork.

- It takes a while.

- Liberia has also been
called the land of the free.

I'm proud of this,
I love my family.

Now please enjoy the Liberian
food my mom has prepared.

Thank you.

- All right.

- That was fantastic, Jordan.

You're going to be the star
of Diversity Night.

- Make sure you keep your head
up when you're speaking, okay?

- Thanks, pop.

Two more days--
I'm so excited!

- Yes, yes, yes.

- Is Darrell going to be
able to come?

- Actually, sweetie,
he can't make it.

- Why not?

- Yeah, why not?

- I told you--
mommy and Darrell

are not spending time
together right now.

But the rest of us are
gonna be there-- me, dad,

and Aunt Patricia.

Right, Leon?

- Yeah, that's right.

- Okay, go get ready for bed,
I'll be right in.

- You're doing a good job,
son, I'm proud of you.

- You were great.

- Kickin' butt, man.

So, you and Darrell
broke up, huh?

- Leon, I need to put
Jordan to bed.

And you should go home,
to Patricia.

- Ah...

That's why you've been
avoiding my calls.

- No, I've been avoiding
your calls because what

happened with us was wrong.
- Was hot...

as hell.

B...

I can't get you
out of my head, B.

- Try harder.

- Me and Patricia
aren't working.

- I don't care.

I told you--
what happened between us

will never happen again.

- [sighing]

Good night.

- Can you please?
Seriously.

- [chuckling]

- Go!
- All right, all right.

Best basketball player
of all time!

[all talking at once]

- Wow, Lilly...

[all talking at once]

[timer ringing]
- And time, sorry, time.

- Michael Jordan.
- Okay, yeah,

he's pretty famous.

- Yeah, well, he retired
decades ago so he's old news.

- Old news?
- That's right.

- No, no, no, hell, no,

you cannot be talking
about my MJ like that.

- Uh, "MJ" is Michael Jackson.

- What? No. No, no, no,
not in the Brady family.

- Eden.

[phone vibrates]

- Ah, it's Colette,
I should take this.

- Now? Can't you just--

- No, she wouldn't be calling
unless it's urgent.

- Dad, remind mom about
buying me a new microphone.

Sound quality on my
web series is whack.

Dang--I guess mom still
has dad whipped.

- No one's whipped,
this is just work.

All right, my turn,
my turn.

Charlie, you are on timer.

- Got it.

- And... go.

- It's Becca Riley's
baby daddy.

- Taye Diggs!

[all shouting]
- Yeah!

- Whoo-whoo!

Yeah, come on.
Yes, yes.

Oh, my God, Simone,
you're gonna die

when you hear
the whole Taye Diggs story.

- Listen, I got to go in.
- To work, now?

- Athletes keep dropping out of
this event left and right,

and the venue
problems are nonstop.

- The venue is Colette's
department.

- Abs, I have to go.
Sorry, I love you.

You all have a good time.

- Bye, Coach!
- Bye, dad!

- Dad, microphone,
tell her.

See?

Totally whipped.

- So sweet.

[upbeat music]

[knocking on door]

- Well, well,

it lives.

- Yes, indeed,
I am alive.

Hey, ya, Jo.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Dad!
- Hey, ya, kiddo! Hi.

- You look pretty okay.

- Mom, he looks amazing.

- Oh, why, thanks, peanut,
I feel pretty amazing.

[Albert clears his throat]

- Uh, Frumpkis,
this is my guy, Albert.

- Yes, Albert.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.

- So where are you
crazy kids off to?

- Breakfast--
new place in Echo Park.

- Oh, so you can
put your crap here,

and the couch is...

is ready for you,
just like before.

- I'm good,
Jo, thanks, no,

I just rented a place in NoHo
and moved in yesterday.

- Wow! That's fast.

You sure you're okay with that
whole living alone... thing?

- Yeah.
I'm sure, it's all good.

- If it doesn't work out,
the couch is right here.

- Jo, he said he's good.

- You're good, okay.

- Okay, see you later.

- Okay, um, text me
if you need anything.

I'll have my phone on me
at all times.

- Okay.
- It's nice meeting you.

- You too, thanks.

- Have fun.
- Yeah.

- Are you good?
- Never been better.

Can you believe this shit?

- I'm sorry, I just don't see
what the problem is here.

- I thought we wanted Frumpkis
to not be hot-ass mess.

- On the first day?
Too easy.

You know what?
You need to enjoy the harmony

because it can be hard
to come by.

- Brady Bunch give you
mommy blue balls?

- [chuckling]
- No, everyone

is getting along great.

I mean, Simone is
a bit of challenge.

She's just tough
to get through to,

she's all icy.
- Mm-hmm.

- But I am not giving up.

I'm going to make
that girl like me.

- Wow, sounds so fun
for her.

- [chuckles]
- I'm taking them to Vento.

- Delish.
- Oh, I love their gnocchi.

- Yeah, I think a restaurant
would be really good for us

because it forces everyone
to stay put, including Mike.

- Is he still working on that
project with Colette?

- Yes.

- Okay, so, he's in Marketing
and Strategy and she's in...

- Education and Literacy.

But there's this
big foundation event,

and somehow he's been made
the point man, which--

not a coincidence,
if you ask me--

- Do you think
Colette's scheming?

- I am trying not to go there,
but it's a little tough.

You remember Jake and I and
our post-divorce divorce?

- You and Mike are solid,
stop it.

- And I don't remember that
episode of "The Brady Bunch"

where the ex-wife makes
a play for the former hubby.

- That's because she was dead!

- I've never seen
"The Brady Bunch".

- Oh, my gosh, how old are you?
- "The Brady Bunch"?

- You're an embryo.
- Sorry.

It's so hard to face the truth.
- I hate you.

[all laughing]
- Hey!

- Hey, what's going on?

- Well, I just got back
from the OB.

Guess who's allergic to sperm.

- What?
That's impossible.

- With all the meat popsicles
you sat on, really?

- Okay, Delia,
what does that all mean?

- Well, long story short,

if I want to have a baby
and carry it myself,

my best option is IVF.

- Needles...
- Ooh...

- My ass hurts
for you already.

- Well, all kidding aside,
we're here for you, honey.

- Yes, a million percent,
and I promise

there's gonna be a beautiful
baby at the end of that rainbow.

- Yeah, one that we're
all gonna love like crazy.

- Okay,
one step at a time.

First I got to shoot myself
in the ass with hormones,

I start tomorrow.

- Ooh, I'll help, I'll help.
- Oh, that's okay, thank you.

- No, I'm really good
with needles.

- I said I got it.

- I'm sorry, I have been taking
the Phoebe Godmothering

to the extreme lately.

- No!
- A little bit.

- Come on!
- Don't believe it.

- That's crazy.
- But you know what?

Thank you,
I appreciate it.

Anyways, Tony is doing great
and Ralf has the kids all week,

so guess who's going on
a date tomorrow night?

- Oh, back on the horse.
- That's nice.

- Yeah, you know, I joined
this super elite app called

The League, and I met this guy
who's in finance and he surfs,

so he's a financial surfer.

- [laughing]
- Yeah.

- You okay?

- Yeah, fine,
what do you mean?

- I don't know--
it's been a few weeks since

you broke up with Darrell.

- Maybe you can join a dating
app, ease in with Tinder or...

- No, Tinder, not for me.

My shit's a bit
messy right now.

I am not in a getting back
on a horse place.

- What do you mean,
what kind of shit?

- Um, I'm already on a horse,
sort of, a wild one,

and it is giving me
motion sickness.

- Okay, maybe stop
speaking in metaphors

and just tell us
what's going on.

- I had sex
with my ex-husband.

- Wow.

- It was just one time.
- All right.

- That's why I ended it
with Darrell,

and I can't take it.

The confusion, the guilt.
- I'm sure.

- Are you and Leon...
- Getting back together?

No, no, hell no.

- When did this happen?

- Right before
the Redbook event.

- Oh, my God.
I knew something was going on.

- And I didn't tell you guys
because I was ashamed.

I just couldn't
take the pressure,

it was stressing me out.

- Oh, girl, I totally get it,
just let it out.

- Yeah.

- I freaking have this school
event for Jordan tomorrow night,

and my ex-nutjob
is going to be there,

and he's been all, you know,

wanting to get back with me,
which he's only saying that

because he wants
what he can't have.

- Mm-hmm.
- And you know what else?

Because you're
super freakin' hot.

- Well, I mean, obviously.

But, on top of all that,
my sister is going to be there.

It is--oh, it's just this
giant, horrible mess--

Oh, my God.
I need a cocktail.

- Here, here, here, have it.

- So, a solid "no"
on the Tinder timing.

♪

- So we took
all the couch cushions

and put them in their cars,

so that when people came back
it was like a big mess.

- Oh, I love it.

That takes me back.

- Where did everyone sit?

- Um, I don't know,
the senior class skipped.

- That sounds lame.

- It was not lame, shut up.
- No, you shut up.

- Charlie, stop,
don't get in trouble.

- Relax, it's a senior prank.
- Yes, I know.

But the colleges
are picking right now

and I don't want to
mess with that.

- You said you'd
think about it!

Mom! It's a simple request.

Why is it your mission
to destroy my life?

- Simone, back off with
your tone, say bye to Mom.

- I have to go, we're having
dinner with the McCarthys.

- Oh, moms and daughters,
right, Lil?

- Yeah.

- Dad, I really need
that microphone.

Mom's being so unreasonable.

- Let's not talk
about that right now.

- What is the microphone?

- It's a couple of
hundred bucks.

It'll make all the def
in my web series sound quality.

- We can--it's a couple
of hundred bucks,

we can certainly
look into it.

- Abby, you're so amazing.

Dad, did you hear
what Abby just said?

- I did hear, yes.

- Abby, you're the best ever!
Thank you so, so much!

- We'll discuss it.
- Yes, we will.

- [sighing]

Hey.

You're going in early.

Please don't tell me
you're still mad.

- Just wish we were
on the same page.

- I thought we were
on the same page.

It's just a microphone.

- Colette and I don't
just give our kids

what they want all the time.

Simone wasn't
raised that way.

- Right.

- What?

- Nothing, forget it.

- Say it.

- Simone is not exactly
the model of good behavior.

- Is that a dig
at my parenting?

- Was your comment
a dig at mine?

I'm sorry.

I'm frustrated.

Simone is awesome, but...

- Simone doesn't make it easy,
I know.

- Right, exactly, so you know
where I'm coming from with her.

I mean, I adore Simone, and I
keep trying to do things that--

- Okay, okay,
don't get yourself worked up.

Just let me and Colette
handle her.

- Do you know what time
you're coming home tonight

so I can prep dinner?

- I'm really not sure,
we're still slammed.

The event's in two days,
it may be late.

You got a crazy busy job too.

- Yeah, just not
with my ex-husband.

I mean, with all the shit
you gave me

about me and Jake
and boundaries--

- We're just co-workers.

- You are co-workers
who send flirty texts.

- Flirty?
Okay, so, what?

Colette's making her move?

Is that really
what you think?

- Don't make me sound
ridiculous, please.

- A lot of this is on me, Abby,
I'm new, I got a lot to prove.

And my boss made me point

because he's really starting to
trust me, which is good, okay?

I'll try to make it home
for dinner,

I'll text you when I know.

- Okay.
Have a good day.

[upbeat music]

♪

- ♪ I will come today

♪ I'm finally feeling

- [sighs]

No, no, no, no, no, no!

I can't,
I can't, I can't.

Cinq, quatre,
trois, deux, un...

Allez!

[sighing]

- ♪ Go on, and make it count

♪

- No, no, no!

Okay.

- ♪ And make sure you got
your dancing shoes tonight ♪

♪ Don't be afraid to jump in,
put your hands in the air ♪

♪ Like you're happy and you
ain't got a worry... ♪

♪

- All right, get ready,
here I come.

- [gasps]

Hubba, hubba, screw "Madame
Bovary," let's just stay here

and hump each other
in our fancy clothes.

- Mom, wow,
you look incredible!

- Thank you!
And is that my jacket?

- Yeah, dad's picking me up.
We're going to "Lucha Libre".

- Shut up.

Mexican wrestling,
that's so cool!

- It's gonna be crazy fun--
and the masks, I can't wait.

[knocking on door]

- Hey, señorita,
you ready to rumble?

- Sí, papa.

- "Lucha Libre"
seems a little weird.

- I'm sure it'll be fine,
you know, we should head out.

Curtain's at 8:00.

- Okay, that's going to be
so cool if they do that.

- Yeah, he scissors him
on the neck and slams...

- You know, I'm a little
nervous for Zooey.

- Well, maybe we should just,
uh, ditch the opera, then.

- No, no.

I'm looking forward to this
exciting evening of elegance.

- Okay, but um--
- But I see your point.

I mean, "Madame Bovary"
isn't going anywhere and...

Are you sure?
- Yes, yes.

- Okay, you guys!

Get ready--make room
for two for "Lucha Libre".

- What? You two guys
are coming along?

- Oh, awesome.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

- Yeah, I've never been,
it sounds fun.

- I've never been, either.
- Actually, that's not true.

We took you to a wrestling
match in the Bronx

when you a tiny, tiny baby.

- Holy Moses,
I totally forgot about that.

You were so fussy that night,
Zo, that we decided

to take you somewhere
that was as loud as you were,

and you stopped crying.
- And you stopped crying.

Yeah, that's right.

- Uh, you guys going
dressed like that?

- I'm kind of stuck in this, but
you can change if you want, Jo.

- Are you sure?

Thank you so much--
yeah, this tight-ass dress

is actually making
my boobs really sore.

TMI.
- Ah.

- I'll be back in five.
- Yeah.

- Whoop-whoop-whoop!

- Andale.
- [chuckling]

- Hey, Simone,
will you do me a favor?

Can you go get
Charlie and Asher

and tell them that dinner
is almost ready?

- Sure, in a sec.

- Now, please?
We're about to eat.

I'm making chicken fajitas--

your dad said
they were your favorite.

- What?
To make up for what you did?

- For what I did?
- Promising me that microphone

and then taking it away.

I talked to my dad.

- Okay, that...

was a group discussion,
and I overstepped.

I had no idea
that your mom and dad

had told you no already
so firmly.

- Whatever.

- Simone, can you
just lay off her?

She said she's sorry.

- Thank you, Lilly,
that was very sweet.

- She likes you,
don't worry about it, she's 14,

she only cares
about herself.

- Are you actually
my daughter?

Thank you, it's just
that this is my new normal,

this is our new normal.
- Mm-mmm, mine for

a couple of months.
- Yeah.

Please don't remind me.

- I like this recipe.

- You do?
- Mm-hmm.

Can you teach it me
before I go?

- So that you can impress
all your roommates

with your mad fajita skills?
- Yeah.

- I'd love that.

[vibrating]

- Yeah, are you okay?
- Yep.

Uh, let us get this food
on the table, and eat.

I'll get the peppers,
you get the rice.

- Phoebe!

Phoebe?

Phoebe, are you home?

Tony, hi.
- Hi.

- Sorry,
is Phoebe back yet?

- Uh, no, she's still out
with that League guy.

- Still?

- Yeah, I guess
it's going pretty well.

She should be home soon.

- Okay, can you have her
just call me

as soon as she gets back,

because I really
need her help with...

something, and it needs
to happen tonight--

today-- tonight, so...

- Mysterious.

You need to bury a body
or something?

- Something like that.
- Okay.

Uh, do you want
to wait here?

- Okay.
- Come on.

- Okay.

[sighs]

Lilly...

Can you just watch
everybody for me?

- Yeah.

Where are you--
where are you going?

- I'll be back.

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

- You did such
a good job, boo.

- Thank you.

- Jordan was great.
- Yeah, he's a natural.

Public speaker.

I'm glad you could
make it, Pat.

- Oh, of course, thank you
for including me.

I've missed you.

And it's nice seeing you
and Leon heal things a bit.

- What do you mean?

- I mean, you're just
actually talking to him,

saying more than hello
and good-bye.

It's nice,
after everything.

- Yeah.

Actually, can you
hold the fort for a second?

I'll be right back.

- Uh, yeah, sure.

- Leon...

You need to tell Patricia
what happened between us.

- Oh, so what?
We're telling her

that we're giving this
another shot.

- I already told you...

no.
- Okay, well,

I'm not telling her
anything.

- Either you tell her
or I will.

Tell her when you
get home tonight,

'cause I'm calling her
in the morning.

- Since when do you
care about her feelings?

- She deserves to know
who you really are.

Tell her, Leon.

[upbeat music]

- Bueno!

Yeah!

Jefe!

- I am telling you, if I don't
get hit in the eye by blood

or spit or some
other kind of bodily fluid,

I will consider this evening
a flop, baby.

- Mom, that's horrifying.

- I haven't seen your bloodlust
side in a while, Jo.

- You know.
- Oh, I know it well.

When I met this one,

she was beating the crap
out of me in the ring.

- Oh, that's right,
the Tao of...

- Rex, Tao of Rex, yeah.
- Yeah, hardcore.

- Oh, concessions, yes!

Let's divide
and conquer these lines.

What are we in the mood for?
Nachos?

- And hot peppers,
spice it up...

- Nachos with extra cheese.
- Extra cheese, of course.

- How about some Mexican
hot chocolate?

- Oh, such a good call.
- Thrilling.

- Hey, how about
a round of beers, huh?

Let's pump this party up,
what do you say?

- Albert.
- What?

Oh, my--
Frump, I'm so sorry.

I wasn't think--
I'm an idiot.

- Don't worry about it,
it's not a problem.

Easy mistake, easy mistake.
- Sorry, dude.

- But look, that line's
snaking out--

let's get going so we don't
miss the opening bell.

Come on.

- You can have
one of these, you know.

- I wish-- I can't drink
right now.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Hmm.

Part of the mystery.

- Phoebe really
didn't tell you?

- Let me guess--
it has something to do with

the sperm donor situation?

Are you offering me drugs?

My parole officer kind of has
a thing about that.

- IVF.

I need help.
My body kills sperm, apparently.

- And you need Phoebe
to stab you.

- By midnight or my ovaries
turn into a pumpkin.

- There's an image.

- I'm just not used to needing
someone, it's not my forte.

- Clearly.

- So, what are you
doing here?

- I live here.

- I mean home, at night.

Don't you go out?
Don't you... people?

- Going out has caused me
problems before, so,

trying to stay focused.
- Yeah, right, I heard.

- You heard?

- Well, I mean,
Phoebe is really proud of you

and she says
you're doing well.

- Yeah, I bet she is.

- What does that mean?

- Getting out of prison is...
tough, you know?

Making new friends and working
a normal job, it's--

Phoebe thinks she gets it,
but she doesn't.

- Why don't you help her?

- It's easier not to.

Just let her think
everything's rosy.

My sister lives in a bubble

where everything's
somehow fixable.

I guess I'm part of that now.

- Tony...

Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah, shoot.

- How are you with needles?

[indistinct conversation,
laughter]

- Abby...

What the hell
are you doing here?

- What am I doing here?
I came to bring you this.

Chicken fajita tacos.

Red sauce and some green sauce,
some guacamole and, uh,

fresh tortillas
I made myself,

which took a very long time,
by the way.

- Thank you.
I told you--

- That you were
working late, I know,

and I can see that
you are very busy.

- We are.
- Just "working".

- Why are you doing
air quotes?

- Because, Mike,
I am not blind.

I see you here,
you're just hanging out.

You're just joking around.

- Okay, calm down let's
go out there and talk.

- And I am trying to make
everything work at home--

two families, one house,

and you're here galivanting
with your ex-wife.

- Okay, sorry to keep
everyone late.

We have a lot to go over
to pull this off tomorrow,

so let's get started.

Mike, did you pull all
the players' travel schedules?

- I have 'em right here, sir,
I was just showing Colette

how it was all
going to fit together.

- Great, then we'll
go through it and...

Who's this?

- Oh, that's Mike's
girlfriend.

- Hi, I just came to
bring you some food--

chicken fajita tacos, yummy.

I know you guys
are working really hard,

this is a huge event,
I mean, a biggie,

and I appreciate that, so just
supporting the team, you know.

Get back to work.
Get back to work!

- Okay.

Okay, um, first up,
projections.

[indistinct chatter]

- ♪ You're smiling now

[slow erotic music]

♪

♪ I'll hold you in my arms

♪ Won't let nothing harm you

♪ Till morning comes

♪ You toss and you turn

♪ Dreams give you no peace

♪ Baby, what's going on?

- Thanks for that.

- No problem.

- Wait...
hold on, we can't...

- You kidding?

You're the one who...

- Okay, I'm... sorry.

Wow, this was a bad--
a bad idea.

- Point, point made.
- What?

- I get it.
- What do you mean?

- Thanks for leading me on.

I appreciate it.

- Tony, I'm home!

- Shit.

- Hey, D, what are you doing?

- I was just waiting for you--
wait, I was waiting.

- Oh, right, the shot,
so sorry, I...

I was going
to call you but my...

The date went over.

- Any potential?

- I don't know, he was nice,
a little boring,

but so was I.

I don't know;
It's just the spark was missing.

I forgot how hard it was...
sparking.

Everything all right in here?

- Here?
Yes, cool.

We were just hanging out
and talking.

- All right, well, do you
want me to give you the shot?

- Hmm? No, I...

I'll see you tomorrow.

- Okay.
- You seem tired.

Well, I'm tired, everybody's
so tired, it's so late.

It's nice talking
to you, and...

Sorry about your date.

Bye.

- Your friend's crazy.

- All right, who wants to try
a traditional Liberian dish?

Okay.

We call it Bitter Ball and Rice.

Watch out, the pot is hot,
so be careful.

- I cannot believe you.

Leon just told me.

- Okay, you have every
right to be upset,

but can you
calm down, please?

There are children present.

- Yeah, there are!

So...

Why did you throw
yourself at him?

- Okay, I'm sorry, hold on.
- No, no, no,

I get it-- this is you trying
to get back at me

because Leon and I hurt you,
I get that.

- Can we roll this
back a bit?

- But trying to
seduce your ex-husband

in an elementary school
bathroom?

- What?
- That is some messed up--

- Ladies, come on now,
why you getting all loud?

People are starting to look.

- Sorry.
- Did you say that I tried

to seduce you in
a children's bathroom?

Are you high?

- Barbara, come on,
let's just, all right--

- Okay,
you know what?

We slept together, Leon and I,
a few weeks ago.

And it was a mistake.

The biggest mistake
I've ever made.

- Barbara,
this is not the time.

- I need you to stop talking.

Yes, maybe you were right,

it made me feel good
to hurt you, okay?

It's pathetic,
and I am so, so sorry,

but I can't take it back;
I wish I could.

- Leon, is it true?

- No, no, no, come on, now,
you know I love you.

- Oh, my God,
don't listen to him.

He played both of us.

You're disgusting, a disgusting,
pathological liar.

- Why are you all whispering?

- Hey!
- What's up, man?

- We're just chatting.
- Just having a family meeting.

- Let's go back inside.
- Yeah, come on.

[whispering]

[emcee shouting in Spanish]

[chanting]
- Lucha! Lucha! Lucha!

[men grunting]

- The guy with the yellow mask!
- Ooh, tiger guy.

- I can't believe he took down
that guy in the red.

- I would not want to meet him
in a dark alley.

- What's going on?
You okay?

- Oh, you know,
actually not.

I got a text from
my assistant, Eden.

Work crisis,
I have to go.

- There are four more matches!
- I know, I'm sorry.

- That's too bad.
- Paperwork calls.

I have to file it by--
boring, boring.

It's deadlines,
the law, relentless.

- Call me tomorrow?

- Yeah, you bet.

Have fun, kids.

- See ya.

- I have to go
to the bathroom.

Don't go back in
without me.

- Don't get kidnapped.

- We will be planted
right here, kiddo.

"Don't get kidnapped."

- You want her
to get kidnapped?

- Why don't you tell her not to
get pregnant while you're at it?

- Or the herps,
that would be really bad.

- Or AIDS.

- Oh!
- What? Too far?

- A little bit.
[chuckling]

- This is nice--
us, together.

- Yeah... yeah, it is.

- Hey.

It's a school night.
Shouldn't you be in bed?

- Just editing my web series.

It's totally
Dad approved.

Where did you go?

- Uh, I, I...

brought your dad food,
at work.

- Oh, well, that's weird.
- Yes, that is weird.

I can be weird sometimes.

I'm exhausted.

I am going to put
myself to bed.

- You... want to see?

- Uh, your web series?

- Just the opening.

- Uh, yeah.

- Welcome to "Simone's World,"
my lovelies.

I know, it's been a little minute since my last post, but,

let me tell you, my life
has been turned upside-down

for the past couple of weeks.

[boys shouting]

- All right, I think
the pancakes are ready!

All right, everybody,
reel it in!

- That's Abby,
my dad's new...

dime piece.

And even though this...
blended family is a big TBD,

super weird, I gotta say,
it's never boring.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
not in a restaurant.

- So, let's dive in.

I can't wait
to catch you all up.

- You ready for this, right?

- No.
- No?

We need you
to be ready.

We need you to be ready.

- Simone out.

[upbeat music]

♪

- It's crazy and I'm sure
you hate me,

and honestly,
I hate myself, believe, a lot.

But after everything,
all our bullshit,

I've never lied to you,
and you know that.

- That's not true,
actually.

That time you told me our
baby sitter was a Russian spy.

- I saw that fool
on the phone,

heard him talking
to the Kremlin.

- He was not... [laughing]
- For real.

- What's going on?
- Jo, hey.

- Hi.
- Um, this is

my sister Patricia.

Pat, this is Jo--Jo owns
the bakery and the juice bar.

- Nice to meet you.
- My pleasure.

I see you're having
the pomegranate cranberry,

that promotes forgiveness
and understanding,

emotional healing.

- Jo, we talked,
we're okay.

- The juice works.

[all chuckling]

- Excuse me.
- Okay.

- What's going on?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How was the rest
of the match?

- It was good.

The weird guy with
the lizard on his face,

he got hauled off
on a stretcher.

- Ooh.
- Pretty exciting.

How did the fictitious
paperwork go?

- Okay, you got me.

I've always been
a terrible actor.

- What happened to you?

I thought we were having a good
time--why'd you ditch us?

- You were having
a good time, Jo,

you and your ex-husband
and your kid.

- Oh, don't go there, uh-uh.

Frump just got back
and he's adjusting

and he needs stability
and familiar faces,

not to mention Zooey--she just
wanted a normal, fun night out.

- You needed that, Jo,
you needed that, not them, you.

Look, I can't, I can't
talk about this here.

I have a work thing,
for real this time.

I'll call you later.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- You gonna be okay?

- I don't know.

I spoke with my pastor
from church this morning.

Leon and I are meeting with him
this weekend.

- Hold on, Pat.

You're staying
with that man?

- I still love him.

I thought I could shake it,
but I can't.

- Okay.

- Seems like everything
turned out okay, huh?

- Yeah, well,
at least something good

came out of this whole mess.

Putting the past
in the past...

- Yeah.
- Where that shit belongs.

- Hmm.

- Knock, knock.

I come bearing lattes
and a couple of questions.

- Hey.

I got your texts--I'm just
really swamped, emails

and I'm just really
hopped up on hormones.

- I get it, D.
- But I'm glad you're here.

I wanted to clear the air.

Nothing happened last night
with your brother.

I know I was acting
a little weird.

- Okay, you both
were acting a little weird.

- I was, I am in a weird place,
as you know,

and I let things get a little
carried away, but I pulled back

before we got to...

- The brink.
- Mm-hmm.

Delia, my history with
my brother, it's messy.

- I know.
- No, you don't.

We have been through
a lot together,

and he has been
through a lot.

And he's finally getting
his shit together,

and the last thing
he needs in his life

is complicated,
and, Delia,

you are the epitome of that.

- Wow, okay.

- And I love you.

I love you and I am proud of you
and I think what you're doing

is beautiful and it's brave,
and I'm here for you, always.

But stay away from Tony.

Okay?

[upbeat music]

- Simone, Asher!

Your mom's going to be here
to pick you up soon.

- I can't find my bag!

- You're always losing
your stuff, you're such a moron.

- Yeah, you moron.

- Oh, hello,
Charlie and Simone.

We speak to people with
respect in this house.

Thank you.

- Abby, can we talk
for a second?

- Hey.

I didn't hear you
come in last night.

- Well, I got in late,
working.

- Yeah, um, I...completely
humiliated myself last night...

- And me, both of us.
- And you too.

And I am sorry, I...

I don't, I don't really
know what else to say.

- There's nothing else to say.

I get it, I mean, if you were
off working late with Jake,

how do you think
I would've handled it?

- Um, I'm gonna go
with really badly.

- Not great, no.

And this event
is wrapping up soon.

- Okay, thank you.

[knocking on door]

Coming!

Hi, Colette, come on in.

- Thanks.

- About my behavior
last night, I am sorry,

there's really no excuse
for it, I just...

this whole living situation
with me and Mike and the kids,

I'm finding my way with it,
and I was a little overstressed.

But in the end all I really
want is for this to feel

like a home for everyone when
the kids are here, you know?

- This place...
will never be their home.

Not my kids,
you got it?

- Let's roll, I'm late.

- Hey, Mom.

- Bye, Asher.
- Bye, Charlie.

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