All language subtitles for Girlfriends Guide to Divorce s05e02 Rule 149Snow.eng

Female announcer: Previously on
"Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce."

I'm in love with you, Mike.

I want to wake up and see your face.

I don't want to see you
pack a bag and leave.

I can't accept this.

And it's not because I don't love you

or want to have a baby with you.

I just don't want to get married.

Kids, I want to
introduce you to somebody.

- Hey. Tony.
- Uncle Tony.

He's going to be staying
with us for a little while.

Why not pretend just for one night

that the world and our jobs don't exist.

Whatever you decide, I understand.

I think it would feel really good.

We're really doing this?
- Yeah.

? Our house in the
middle of our street ?

_

No, Jake, it will be great to see you.

Yeah and meet her.

All right, bye.

Ooh, Barcalounger.

- You like?
- Yeah.

- How's the renovation coming up there?
- They are on break

because apparently
you can't hang drywall

if there's a two percent change of rain.

- You're cute when you're happy.
- [laughs]

Is it because I'm finally
meeting Jake and his girlfriend?

Natalie? Oh, well, no.

By the way, you're
barely going to see them.

He's not going to want to hang out.

He's just going to want
Q time with the kids.

I'm looking forward to some Q time.

- [laughs]
- I love that.

[kissing]

But first I have to get ready

because I'm meeting the girls,

and as soon as I brush
we're going to go shopping

for Jo's birthday present.

Later, Sexy Time Man.

[makes gun noise]

You know, you look like George
Clooney when you do that.

Is that... is that sexy?

I'm not sure. Let me see.

Yeah, try it out. Whoa! Barcalounger!

Do what I got to do.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

_

Okay, you're scaring me.

It is a birthday. It is not a build out.
What are you planning?

Nothing. Just a petting zoo.

You can't do anything that
violates the health code.

What, you're worried the
stray baby goat pellets

will be confused for raisins?

Show me what's in that notebook.

I'm not showing you
what's in the notebook.

- No! You can't see the notebook.
- Show me that notebook.

- It's going to be a surprise.
- Show me that notebook!

- No!
- Please. I...

Meryl! Wow!

I could smell you anywhere.

Bulgari with a blast of
subway tunnel. Come here.

Oh, Jo.

- Sweetie, how are you?
- Grandma, grandma.

Oh, Zooey, you are the
most delicious thing

in this bakery.

So, Meryl, this is my partner

my boy, my guy Albert.

Oh, uh, Mom, Grandma knows about Albert.

Oh, okay.

Meryl. Meryl Frumpkis.
The mother-in-law.

[laughs nervously]

So, you're redecorating again?

I mean, you've got the
Rize, you've got the Shyne.

Actually, we're not renovating.

Albert's planning a
semi-surprise birthday for me.

I know the where and when,
I just don't know the what.

Yeah, Jo said she hadn't
had a birthday party

since she was nine, so.

I'd love to see that.

- Well, you should come.
- I'm sure she has plans.

Plans. What plans?
I came in to get my eyes fixed.

So, I'm going to be holed up
at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Recovery suite.
- Oh my.

Thank you, Albert. You're so menschy.

- I live to mensch.
- Aw.

Yo, save any Uncle
Tony the Tiger Flakes?

What's up, goose?

Whoa, Uncle Tone, that tattoo is lit.

What is it?

Can you please put on a t-shirt?

Did you draw it?

No, a tattoo artist did.

A tattoo artist in Chino?

Chino? How do you know about Chino?

That's where Uncle Tone used to live.

And the town where I'm
definitely going to get

my friendship tattoo.

Okay. Lunches.

Carpool outside.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Kiss your mom. Come on.

Oh, bye. [kissing]

Have a good day at school. [kissing]

You can't just come down in the morning

flashing your prison tats.

I mean, wear a t-shirt
like a normal human being.

I'm just not comfortable

with the kids being exposed
to that sort of... thing.

Well, fair enough.
I'm not comfortable lying.

I've been staying here
three weeks, all right.

It's going to be shitty enough
when I have to tell 'em I'm a con.

I add liar to the list,
it's going to make it a lot harder.

Yeah, well, it's going to be
harder if they blab your story

to everybody before they
get to meet you, that's all.

Okay. Now we're getting to it.

I haven't met any of your friends yet
because you think I'm bad PR.

That's not what I said.

Well, maybe your friends
would be more comfortable

if they met me at a
fundraiser for at-risk youth.

You can tell 'em I was held back.

[sighs]

[energetic music]

? ?

I mean, it's unbelievable.

I'm going to get a call
from the school any day

saying that Luco was drawing
pictures of bloody switchblades,

and Tony doesn't get it.

- He thinks that I'm embarrassed by him.
- Are you?

You have been playing
kind of a cover-up.

[gasps] Faux fun fur.

It feels too real. It feels too real.

I just don't want anyone
to get invested because

he's probably not sticking
around for long, that's all.

These are doinky.

Little crystal bathroom accessories.

I think Jo's more a mouth
under the faucet type.

Yeah, but it's not for her.

I'm just trying to gussy up the house

before Mike and the kids move in.

Oh, I didn't know that he
was the Holly Golightly type.

Really, I thought they were
more like hotel-y and sexy.

No, whatever. I'm just
trying to find things fast.

I want to get the place all ready

while the kids are in
Vancouver with Jake and Natalie

who are flying in today.

What? Bomb drop. You're
meeting the girlfriend?

Guys, I've been at this divorce game
for quite a while now.

It's great that Jake
is in a relationship.

I'm in a relationship.

He's been really cool about
the whole McBrady move-in.

Whatever, we're at a new level.

Oh, what's the game
called? Cocky divorcee?

- Ooh.
- I'll have a kiss.

I don't understand the elephant.

Well, you know, they're really lucky,

and they're easy to talk to.

Tell you guys things like
"I'm gonna have a baby."

What, are you pregnant?

No, no, relax. [laughs]

I talked to my OB, and I've decided

that... I'm going to get a sperm donor.

- Wow. Oh.
- Why?

Well, because I just
realized after the Paul fail

that... it makes no sense to
wait for the right person.

I'm not looking for the right person.

I'm looking for the right baby.

And I don't want to miss out
on the whole making a life chapter.

Look, the upside is
I get to be in control

of everything, which is a
great balance of power for me.

For instance, I get to pick
the perfect genes to mix with mine.

So, I'm doing it.

On my own.

Well, you're not going
to be on your own.

- No.
- Because we will be here

for you offering you terrible advice.

Just whenever you need it.

Thank you.

Because I could really
use some terrible advice.

I've been going through the profiles.

It's really overwhelming.

Okay, well, I'll help you pick.

And whoever I pick
just pick the opposite.

- [laughs]
- Oh.

It's a sad story.
- So sad.

[laughs]

? ?

[knocking]

Kids, your dad is here.

Charlie, Lilly!

[knocking]

[sighs]

- Hi.
- Hi.

Wow, this look is so directory.

Well, something.

Um...

- Abby.
- Natalie.

My brain just like fried for a second.

I couldn't. You two had the same face.

It's so great to finally
meet you in person.

- You too.
- Though how else would we meet?

- [all laugh]
- In animal?

- In vegetable?
- In facsimile?

[awkward laughter]

Okay, what are we doing out here?

Let's all come in.

Come in here.
- Go ahead.

- Hello!
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Daddy!

- Hey!
- Hi, Lee.

- Hey, Lee.
- Hey, Lee.

Lee, what is Lee?

We all have "lee" as our last syllable.

- Oh.
- [laughs]

Oh, check it out. You guys are
wearing the same shoes.

- Oh my God.
- Wow!

- Well.
- Wow.

- We know we have the same taste.
- Yeah. [laughs]

Where are we going for dinner, Dad?

Uh, we were thinking
about going to 800 Degrees.

You make your own pizza. Sweet.

- Pizza and squash blossoms.
- On pizza? Yuck!

- You loved it last time.
- Yeah.

- I hated it.
- He likes it.

- It's good.
- Ding, ding, ding.

I just had a brilliant idea. Wah, wah.

Mike is driving home
right now with pizza

from Vito's.

So, stay. We can all
have Vito's together.

You know, Abby, you shouldn't...

Don't bother, you guys
should have your dinner.

- It's no bother. No bother.
- Have your dinner with Mike.

It would actually be really nice

to get to know Natalie
a little bit better

before the two of you flee off to Canada

with our children.

Your call.

- Your call.
- Your call. I...

- Your call.
- Your call, your call.

[laughs] My call! Come on. Stay!

Everybody gets to meet Mike.
This is so much more fun.

I'm going to get the plates.
I love it. I love this plan.

- Sure? All right.
- Yeah, yeah.

Ah, I'm dying of thirst, dad.

Okay, I'm trying to figure
out which is the carbonator

and which is the carbonator block.

Directions supplied by NASA.

He's very bad at getting directions,

but he's good at giving them.

Part of the deal dating a director.

[laughs]

So this house is just fantastic.

- Thank you.
- It's so lofty and open.

Mom thinks it doesn't have enough walls.

I'm putting up some drywall in his room,

so that Charlie and Asher can feel like

they have their own space.

You going to put a wall
in Lilly's room too?

Simone's going to get my room,

and I'm going to move
into the guest house.

[both laugh]

The guest house that's not
actually attached to the house

or within earshot?

It was her idea.

Yeah! I bet it was her idea.

What teenager doesn't
want to be emancipated?

Can you maybe just buy some cherry cola?

Do you have to have a
soda machine? It's like...

- Hello, hello!
- Hi.

Everybody, this is Mike, my boyfriend.

- Hey.
- How's the party going?

I just thought since everybody's here

it would be easier.

A warning text would've been nice.

I would've gotten something
other than one pineapple pizza.

- Whoo!
- Not pineapple.

Hey, man. Jake. What's up?

- Pleasure, man.
- Oh, hey.

- Nice to meet you. Pleasure.
- Good to meet you too.

Uh, well, I'm about to impress you all

by pulling out a half
dozen marbleized rib-eyes

that I got in the freezer.

Nice, I'm on drink duty,

although this soda machine is
making me it's be-yatch, man.

[Natalie laughs] I Googled it, babe.

Just twist the cartridge to the right.

Natalie, ixnay on
the Ooogle-gay elp-hay

because Jake hates it.

- Oh.
- [fizzing]

- Oh.
- Genius woman.

[kissing]

[pouring]

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

[hands clapping]

Abby, I love all your
mid-century furniture.

And the witty anachronistic recliner.

- Thank you.
- Is that thing a Barcalounger?

Uh, guilty. That is my lucky chair.

Yeah, Arizona State can't
win the duel in the desert

unless Mike is sitting
in his lucky chair,

and it doesn't matter
how good DJ Calhoun is.

Okay, that's literally more sports words

than I heard you say
in 17 years of marriage.

- She is getting there.
- No idea what I just said.

- It was good though.
- [laughs]

Okay, let me get my grill on.

Yeah, get that grill heated up, Mike.

He's got soulful eyes.

Oh God, he's a little swarthy.

Mixed with my DNA, we'll be
tweezing the kid's eyebrows

in the stroller.

Okay, well, Edward18.

Blue eyed, journalist, English.

Weak chin. Sign of a
compromised immune system.

Oh, click on Family History.

See, maternal grandfather died
of congestive heart failure.

At 58? No, skip, skip.

Okay, let's narrow the
search to immortals.

Be still my beating uterus, who is this?

Holden312.

- Uh, surfer hair.
- Dimples.

Great DNA judging by
that cavity-free smile.

Mmm, UCLA student.

Date of birth says he's a senior.

He's majoring in astrophysics
and thermodynamics.

- [gasps]
- Hello!

The father of my unborn
child could be an astronaut.

- Little astronaut baby.
- I love this.

This is great.

Oh, Tony, you're home.

Um... Delia, this is my brother.

- Hey, nice to meet you.
- Hey, you too.

Okay, meet your shirt.
Meet it, and put it on.

Well, what are you two doing?
Like Tinder or something?

Nope, none of your business. It's fine.

We're looking up
perspective sperm donors.

- Sperm donors?
- Oy vey.

Now that's easy money, yeah.

I should get into that business.

How much are you paying those Dilberts?

I don't think you'd qualify.

They do background checks. No offense.

I can get around that anyway.

- I'm sure you would, Tony.
- No seriously.

The guys who do the background checks,

they're like
80-year-old retired cops

just trying to supplement their
Medicare. They're phoning it in.

I can give you the friends
and family discount.

- [laughs] Thanks, I got it.
- Goodbye, Tony.

Offer expires in 24 hours.

I'm... I'm sorry about my brother.

No, he's got a point.

I'm breeding with
somebody I don't even know.

If I could see him, I'd feel better.

I mean, you know, he could be anybody.

He could be a criminal.
He could be a felon.

He could be a Toby Keith fan. [sighs]

Let's get our own
intel on the baby papa.

They have laws against
contacting the donors.

I know, to protect them

from taking responsibility for the baby.

But we're just inspecting the merch.

[laughs]

Yes!

Good!

That is looking great.
Look, let me show you one thing though.

The one thing you're not doing
is you're not striding, right.

You've got to take a step into
it and stride. Hit with power.

Coach Mike told me to do
it the other way, so...

Coach Mike might not want you to stride,

but you know who does
want you to stride?

Mike Trout. Big stride.

Coach!

[laughs] What's up, Two-Eight?

My dad was telling me to stride.

Oh, well, there's lots of different ways
to hit a baseball, kid.

Right, right, exactly.

And if you want to hit for power,

you need to stride a little bit.

You need to take a step
and stride, right...

Yeah, but we were going more
with the toe tap than a stride.

Toe tap? Like a Billy
Elliot toe tap thing?

Coach Mike knows, Dad.
He played for the Royals.

- Really?
- You just played in high school.

You played for the Kansas City Royals?

- Two seasons.
- I'm gonna get sugar.

- Not too much.
- Really?

That's cool.

I mean, I almost made
varsity at Lower Merion,

but I had a coccyx
injury over the summer

and social studies
and derailed my career.

There you go. [laughs]

Well, the power will come with practice.

Charlie's starting a little late.

Like if he'd had a better baseball dad

he would be further along?

Jake.

Or if his mother allowed
him to have a batting cage

in her mid-century modern backyard.

You never asked to have a batting cage.

Simmer. Chill.

Whoa, whoa! Let's not gang up
on the white guy from Philly.

- Jake, can I talk to you for a second?
- Yep.

White guy from Philly?

What's happening with you, Jake?

Clearly, you have a problem with Mike.

Oh, I have a problem?

Abby, you know I'm not a racist, okay.

- I didn't say that.
- Oh, but you implied it.

I... I made a stupid joke.

- Yes.
- It was inappropriate.

You didn't have to
shame me about it, okay.

I didn't know the guy played
for the Kansas City Royals.

It threw me, and now he's
taking over the house.

He's not taking over the house.

And, by the way, this is my house.

I do not need to ask you for a permit

if I want to put up drywall.

I pay child support now,

which means I'm helping pay
for the mortgage of your house.

Mike is also contributing,
which we discussed

because it eases
everybody's financial load.

I'm just saying I would
think my contribution

should entitle me to some
say of what's going on.

It's like I'm a vestigial limb.
I'm an appendix of the house.

It's not a limb.

What you're saying is that
you are feeling dis-empowered.

No, what I am saying

is that I would like to be consulted

before walls go up.

- When Charlie gets a new swing.
- Okay.

Lilly moves out to the guesthouse.

- I just want to be asked.
- Okay, Jake! Okay.

May I please have your permission

to erect a drywall
partition in Charlie's room?

And I promise you it will be to code.

Since you asked so
nicely, I will allow it.

See? I mean, was that so hard?

And how do you know
he's going to be here?

Well, there's only two
astrophysics classes.

This one and Tuesdays at nine,

which conflicts with Lacrosse.

- Okay.
- So, if Holden312 is who he says he is,

he's in this class.

There it is.

Oh, oh, this is exciting.

[gasps]

- D, can I ask you something?
- What?

- Why now?
- What?

What is the rush? I
mean, mommying is hard.

- What do you mean? For me?
- No, for me.

I mean, I didn't have anyone
to show me how it was done.

Yeah, well, I never
had anyone to show me

how anything was done,

and I've had to figure
out everything on my own,

and that's what I'm doing again.

That's why I'm so obsessed

with making sure his
daddy genes are tight.

Because you know my mommy
genes are pretty sketch.

Yeah, well, they couldn't
be worse than mine.

- You're pretty lucky to have Tony.
- Yeah, I guess so.

It's kind of like a little puppy
just nipping at everything

and trying to used to his environment.

Aw, I think I've been too hard on him.

You know, maybe if he
got to know us better

he'd get used to it faster.

Hey! Why don't you
bring him to Jo's party?

No, no, he wouldn't
want to come to that.

Give him a chance. Buy
him a shirt, bring him.

Forty-two, jersey. Go, go, go, go.

Hey, hi, hi. Holden312.

[laughs] Sorry?

That's not me. I don't know
what you're talking about.

No, I'm sorry. I thought
you were someone else.

[quiet music]

? ?

Probably a good reason
why that's not him.

- It's...
- Yeah.

Tony was right.

I have been fantasizing about this,

about the three of us going out

and having our nails done together

since the moment you were born.

Oh, please.

More like fantasizing Frumpkis
wouldn't lose his toes.

What does that mean?

Don't you know your origin story?

I also didn't tell her about the
Holocaust in the fifth grade either.

- Yeah, you did.
- There was a blizzard.

And your father was
conveniently in Killington.

A ski weekend with his
fraternity brothers.

So I had to use the
phone and call your father

at the ski chalet, and
I left him the message.

He got in his car... now, this
was a horrendous blizzard...

And he managed to
lose a boot on the way.

And then he showed up.

With these...

these icicles on his eyebrows

and... this scarf foot.

And I cracked up.

And that was... that was
the last push I needed

before you were out.

[laughs]

Bastard could've gotten
gangrene, lost a foot.

That's the best dad story ever.

Yeah, it was... It was a good ending.

For a while.

So what was so urgent?

- Am I seeing you later at Jo's?
- Yes, you are.

I just wanted to talk
to you before then.

I mean, we'll be there, but, one, I
think I owe you and Mike an apology.

I mean, I saw Mike and Charlie together.

That was really hard,
and I got competitive.

- Sorry.
- Yeah.

I mean, I was also feeling competitive

- slash possessive, you know.
- I got that.

About Natalie going out to Vancouver

with you and the kids for your work,

which is something I have
always fantasized about.

But, you know... it seems like
they're all getting along great.

They are.

And that's just taking
me a minute to digest.

- It does, right?
- Yeah.

- Good.
- Good.

There's something else I
wanted to talk to you about.

Shoot.

I am going to ask her...
I'm going to ask Natalie

to marry me.

- What?
- Yeah. [laughs]

[laughs]
- What?

Yeah, and I wanted you
to know, uh first.

I mean, after the Becca fiasco

I know you would want
to get ahead of things.

And, Abby, we have worked
really hard to get to this place,

and I want to make sure
things can be good between us.

And I wish you didn't look
like you swallowed a sea urchin.

- Do I?
- A little bit.

I...

Was not expecting that. [laughs]

- Well.
- So, I mean what can I say?

Mazel tov? I guess I can say mazel tov.

- Thank you.
- [laughs]

And please let me tell the kids.

Yes, of course.

Well, I want to tell
them after I propose,

but if she says yes.

- Yeah. [laughs nervously]
- Look at us moving forward.

- I'm proud of us.
- I'm proud of us.

- Yeah.
- Right?

[glasses clinking]

Yeah.

[laughter, chatter]

W- I know.
- Hello, hey.

Oh. Hello.

Uh, I just wanted to say
a few words of welcome

and thank everybody for coming out

on this snowy night...

[laughs]

To torture Josephine
with a birthday party

celebrating her 40... [groans] years.

- [screams]
- [laughter]

Now this tiny dynamo,
she moved here, what,

three years ago.

But she still brings
the New York to our lives

every day.

- [applause]
- I love you.

Um, I... I said I miss New York winter,

- and look what this crazy bastard did.
- [laughter]

If this is New York,
where are the dead pigeons?

Oh, you thought those
were buffalo wings, Meryl?

[laughter]

Oh no.

It was a joke. It was a joke.

[both laugh]

We have another little
surprise coming your way

in just a few minutes.

- In the meantime...
- What?

[clears throat] In the meantime,

enjoy Jo's Winter Wonderland,

and, FYI, you can eat the yellow snow,

except for Zooey, not for you.

It was her idea, but you are under age.

[laughter]

Have fun!

- [applause]
- All right. Yay!

You want to know what your surprise is?

Yes.

That is Josephine Baker.

Yes, that's Josephine Bonaparte.

Oh, Josie and the Pussycats.

- Aw.
- That's cute.

That's a good one. Okay, what's that?

- I know this. No.
- I know I should.

It's Joe Frazier. You kidding me?

The thrilla in Manila, you know.

You... you showed up.

If all I got to do to
get all this free booze

is meet your friends, I'm in... hi.

Um, this is my brother. This is Tony.

Tony, this is Abby and her beau, Mike.

- So nice to finally meet you.
- It's good to meet you.

- My God.
- Yeah, you too, you too.

Hi, Delia.
- Hi, Tony.

We actually already know each other

from when she and Phoebes
were sperm whale hunting.

There's a "Moby Dick"
joke in there somewhere.

[laughter]

I thought you already had a candidate.

Well, not quite, and I have
Tony to thank for that actually.

He showed me how dubious
some sperm donors can be, so.

- I'm sorry.
- No, don't be.

I have the firm's investigator on it.

It's totally under control.

My offer still stands.

- No.
- Well, how generous.

- Just throwing it out there.
- Ew.

She's not going to pick you. I'm sorry.

I'm going to go get some yellow snow.

Hey, whoa, I'll get
it. I'll get it. Yeah.

- Oh.
- Ha.

Whoa, hey, I'm legal, I'm legal.

[laughter]

- Okay.
- What are you doing?

Oh, wow. Is that her?

Yeah, they're so cute together.

[laughter]

Hey.

- Hey!
- Hi, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey! Hi!

- Hi.
- Hi.

This is Natalie. This is Jake's Natalie.

- She's really... she rocks.
- Oh, hi, Natalie.

- Hello, ladies.
- Hi, Jake.

I use that term loosely with you.

[laughter]

- It's been a long time.
- Yeah, we've not been in town.

With my schedule and Natalie's schedule,

- it's been busy.
- Oh, what do you do, Natalie?

Natalie is a set decorator so
she drives around the country

and collects really cool
things like furniture

and vintage pieces.

[laughter]

Vintage is technically
50, so not vintage.

Just maybe slightly misused.

Uh-huh. [laughs]

So we should go pee out
some of this yellow snow.

[laughs]

- No, no, no.
- Sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Okay.
- See ya.

Yeah, I'm going to see if there
any beers in this icy tundra.

[kissing sounds]
- Okay.

Can I get a beer with you?
Would you mind? Is that cool?

- [laughs]
- Can I go with you?

- Yeah.
- Bye.

Oh, boy. Do I ever need a
break from the limelight.

All this glare's giving
me a headache too.

[laughter]

So, what did I miss?

- The weirdness with Natalie?
- Oh.

- You've got your mime face.
- Oh, no.

No, Abby's been great.
Just no problem here.

Natalie is... is terrific

and engaging and clever and
creative and interesting...

When you say all those things

it's like you're giving yourself
a compliment. She's a mini-you.

- No.
- Oh God, you're totally right.

- Yeah, a bit.
- Yeah.

It took me just two minutes to
pick up on the Young Abby vibes.

What? Mm-hmm.

That's why it bothers me so much.

I feel like he's going to propose to her
to marry me again.

- [gasps]
- What?

He just told me. I'm not
supposed to say anything.

Please do not react. Botox your face.

Men always marry the same woman

over and over again.

That's why I don't believe in divorce.

- Well...
- [talking over each other]

Maybe you can debate that later.

I'd like to tear my little Jo

out of this wonderful adult bat mitzvah.

Okay, well, okay. Bye. [whispers]

An adult bat mitzvah?

Was that necessary? Really?

It was a joke. Would you lighten up, Jo.

Here, I have a gift for you.

What's this?

Well, it's an heirloom. Open it up.

[sighs] Wow. Lovely.

This was Grandma
Bertie's anniversary gift.

Harvey gave it to her...

Well, in his bookie days when
those two really struggled

so, so much.

[laughs] It's very kind.

But these shouldn't come to me now.

I'm not going to let a
little thing like divorce

stop what's meant to be.

Oh, it's not negotiable. Put 'em on.

I, uh...

[Albert whistles] Everybody outside!

[sighs]

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

[whistles]

Hey, okay, party people,
a little surprise,

a visit from one of
Jo's personal heroes,

another dynamo who rose from the ashes

of defeat to victory

in a little TV show
you might've heard of

called, um... mmm.

What's your mom's favorite show, Zo?

"Top Chef"?

- [gasping]
- "Top Chef."

- You did not!
- I did. Kristen Kish.

- Oh my God.
- [applause]

Yes, we are having a blind taste test

just like they do on the show.

Name that food.

Oh my gosh!

[applause]

Happy birthday, Jo.

[laughs]

Oh my God!

- Okay, I have to blindfold you.
- Oh God! Okay.

[quiet music]

We'll need two more contestants.

A couple more contestants.
Any volunteers?

[laughter]

You guys should go.

You're so adorable. Do it.

- No.
- No, do it. Come on!

- Adorable.
- Come on, come on.

[applause]

- Do it.
- Come on, give them a hand.

- Oh, okay.
- Here we go.

Make it good, please.

Thank you. I'm allergic
to food I can't see.

It's okay, Jake, I have an EpiPen.

See ya. [laughs]

- Okay. Too tight?
- Ow. Okay.

Okay, here we go. Thank you.

Identify that food.

Okay.

Um... mmm.

Tastes just like Hamburger Helper

with a little bit of
nostalgia thrown in.

I was going to say
dog food. Is that rude?

Seriously, you can't do that, right?

You can't put dog food in here, right?

Braised beef cheek with creamed parsnip

and an allium glaze?

That's correct.

- [applause]
- Natalie, that's amazing.

Okay, round number two.

- There you go.
- Oh, wow.

A squishy center like Freshen Up gum.

[laughter]

It's a parboiled quail egg

with saffron aioli?

And our winner is Natalie.

- [cheering]
- Ah, okay.

Natalie, you are a super foodie.

[laughs] Congrats.

Double congrats on your engagement.

[scattered gasps]

Oh my God.

[laughs] Engagement? No.

Why is everybody looking at me for?

Isn't that Junior Mint Abby
the one Jake's marrying?

He hasn't proposed yet, Meryl.

Uh...

[soft music]

? ?

[muted party music]

Jake, I'm so sorry that happened.

I specifically asked
you not to talk about...

To tell the kids, and I didn't.
I didn't tell the kids.

I told my girlfriends,
and I never thought...

You didn't think because
you're so self-involved

and you are clearly not cool with this.

And all the posturing
with Mike, I mean, Abby.

- How am I posturing with Mike?
- It's such bull... how?

How about a lucky chair?

His lucky chair that now you love

because you're a flexible partner?

Come on, you hate that chair.

You know what, maybe I'm
a flexible partner with him

because he's not neurotic and insecure.

Oh.

And I let him keep that chair

because he knows I think it's hideous.

And that's okay.

For your information, what some
people call neurotic and insecure

other people call
sensitive and tuned-in.

People who are 12.

And who don't get off on
proving how ineffectual I am.

I'm sorry that you are
having a problem with Natalie.

- I do not have a problem...
- Clearly.

I don't have a problem with
people that I don't know.

And clearly you don't either

because you're about to marry one.

Yeah, sue me for wanting
to be with someone

who's not on a constant
mission to fix me.

No, you want to be with a fan.

You found a suck-up,
sycophantic version of me,

which is all your
fragile ego can handle.

No, you're not doing an Abby
bait and switch right now.

I mean, you might as well
have come out as a lesbian.

[laughs]

You could not have picked
somebody more different.

Mike? Really, Abby? Mike.
So it's a race thing?

- No, it's not a race thing.
- Then what is it?

- What? What?
- It's a rejection thing.

I mean, Mike is like an under-talking,

macho steak-eating...
He's everything I am not.

And if that's what you wanted to be with

the whole time we were together

then that's a total
negation of our marriage.

- I loved our marriage.
- Clearly.

Hey, hey, it's done.

I'm negating this rest
of this discussion.

Let's go home.

? I'm yours ?

? I'm yours ?

[laughter]

What is going on?

Why are you still up? Who are you?

He's here for Uncle Tony.

He's a parole officer.

Guy Wiggins.

- A parole officer?
- Hey, Guy.

Chino is a jail, mom.

- Yeah. - They do
spontaneous check-ins.

I'm verifying change of address.

Well, I'm guessing you
guys have been drinking.

And you've been out past curfew, Tony.

Any other substances?

No.

I will begin my walk-through.

[sighs]

Don't budge. I just have to
settle up with the caterers.

Ugh.

We're going to need a bigger boat.

[laughs]

[kissing]

I'll be back.

Aw, really glad you came, Meryl.

Thanks for blowing the party.

Oh, come on, that Natalie
chippy will be fine.

Simple people are resilient.

Why are you here?

You didn't get your eyes done.

Nobody heals that fast.

Either does a marriage.

Mmm. Bingo.

Had a feeling that's why
you were here. For Frump.

He doesn't know I'm here.

- Uh-huh.
- Jo.

People make mistakes.
They go through dark times.

He lied to me.

And he cheated on me.

And he tried to take
this bakery away from me

for his southern-fried nympho wife.

Give him another chance.

Why would I do that?

Because you go together
like broken pieces of China.

Oh my God.

Gets you more than that
whatever Alfred ever will.

His name is Albert.

As in someone who
actually cares about me.

All I'm saying is with Robbie

you're the real Jo.

You're that tough little broad,

that take-no-prisoners girl
that I fell in love with

after my son did.

What if this is the real me?

I'm just starting to get to know her.

Robbie is in New Mexico.

He's doing the work,
and he needs his family.

His family's here.

Always.

Us? He threw that away.

You look great.

[sighs]

Well, that was... a nightmare.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Welcome to my world.

Wow, okay. No apology?

I mean, that wasn't exactly
something that Anouk and Luco

should have to deal with.

The kids? They're fine.

They're way cooler than you think.

I don't want them to be cool, Tony.

This is not our childhood.
This is not Sunken Meadow Lane.

- Our childhood?
- Yes.

How would you even know?

Because I was there.

You took off for Paris to
model at what, like, 14?

- It was... awful.
- Awful? Here we go.

Do you think I wanted to go?

You have no idea what I dealt with.

And it was all for
you, it was all for you,

and it was for mom, and it
was all to send money back.

Your martyr shit, seriously.

I didn't have a childhood.
I didn't go to high school.

At least you went to high school.

Oh, you want to talk about
my high school memories?

Chemistry class, waiting
on line at the Rexall

for mom's pharmaceuticals.

And then her scrips ran out

driving her to King's Park to score.

I know it was hard. I know it was hard.

No, you don't. You don't know.

Because when you were
there it was different.

She at least remembered
that she had kids.

You don't even know the
name of half the douchebags

that came through that trailer!

- We don't have to relive this.
- Bullshit. Bullshit!

You say you didn't want to go,

you leapt at the opportunity.

You couldn't wait to get
the hell out of there.

Tony, I was 14. I wasn't thinking.

I was surviving, and I tried everything.

Everything I made I sent it back to you.

And when you got busted
I hired the best lawyer

that I could get.

I didn't need money,
Phoebe. I wanted a sister.

I needed a brother.

And you messed up. You got busted.

And when I came home you were gone.

And mom had gone to Texas
with husband number three...

- Bob, his name was Bob.
- There was nobody.

I had no family. I had nothing!

Everything I did was a waste.

You were a waste.

Well, you are a fake.

You sit up here in your alimony castle

and go for your hikes and
eat your vegan breakfast

with your fancy friends.

You really think you wanted a family?

I was right there ten years!

I'm the same guy. Ten
years I'm in there!

You didn't come to see me one time.

- I couldn't.
- Not once.

I needed to figure it out on my own.

I needed to live my life
on my own without you.

And if I went back, if I saw you,

the cycle would begin
again, and I couldn't.

I didn't have a choice.

Is that what you want to hear?

I don't want anything from you.

Well, then go.

Just bolt.

It's the only family
tradition we have, Tony.

You should know. You started it.

Sorry you had to deal with all that.

It's fine. You got to let it go.

Jake just makes me so crazy sometimes.

I mean, he can't be alone.

Now he's with this woman

who is obviously at that
pressure cooker time in her life

so she can't waste any time,

and the two of them it's like...

they're just moving way too fast.

Don't you think they're moving too fast?

I don't know him or her.

Yes, but what do you think?

Well, I thought you and
he were in an okay place.

You two have no boundaries.

I'm not the one that's
working with his ex-wife.

And I'm not fighting with
my ex like I'm still married.

It's like you get off on it.

I'm supposed to be moving
my kids in here this week.

Supposed to be?

Abby, tonight that was... ugly.

I'm sorry. I...

I... I don't know what else to say.

Nothing left to say. You
need to set some boundaries.

[music rises]

Hey, morning glory.

You ready to scale Fryman?

I'm working on a tight schedule.

I have some new sperm candidates,

and I'm meeting the
firm's PI right after this.

Great, sounds like a
nice, stressful hike.

Why so cynical? Usually my job.

Tony and I got into last night.

He's probably packing right now, so.

You guys were so tight the other night.

It's a long story,
and it doesn't matter.

I mean, I told you about my family.

It's in and out and everybody gets hurt.

There it is.

The hard part is that I
have to tell Anouk and Luco,

and that sucks.

Oh, something smells really good.

Nobody can sit here.
It's Uncle Tony's spot.

We made unbelievable blueberry
chocolate chip pancakes.

We just wanted to make something
special for Uncle Tony.

- Yes, you did.
- It's so sweet.

- He was in prison.
- Shut up.

It's okay. Delia knows.

- Yeah.
- Everything, so.

But we need to talk.

Uh, so if you guys
wouldn't mind sitting down.

Um, it's about your Uncle Tony.

Your uncle is...

- he's...
- Is starving.

Hey, fam, is that fresh squeezed OJ?

Whoa.

Bet you didn't have that in Chino.

No juice in the joint?

Ha ha ha ha.

It's called lockup, dumb-asses.

- [both laugh]
- Okay.

So are you... staying?

For breakfast?

Yeah. Yeah, I was thinking I would.

Like to break our family tradition.

Is that cool, or do we
have to talk about it?

Nope, that's cool with me.

Great, so...

I see a couple of lightweights here

who I don't think can eat
more than like one pancake.

- No way.
- No?

Okay, well, we should go hiking

because you have an appointment.

You know, I think I
would rather stay here

and have breakfast
with your insane family

than go meet a sperm sleuth.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Screw it, I'm going
to go with Holden312.

Wow.

Let's face it. My kid's
going to be an asshole.

If it's going to be an astronaut asshole

with dimples and a good golf swing,

then, yay, bonus for me.

- I'm proud of you.
- I'm proud of you.

Okay, let's have some breakfast.

- Hey, guess who's staying.
- Yeah.

- No hike?
- No.

Who made it? Who
really... who was the cook?

[laughter]

[distant laughter]

- [laughs]
- Hey there.

Meryl, how was breakfast?

Good. Look what grandma gave me.

Oh, what a thoughtful gift.

I love them. Thank you.

Oh, I love you, sweetie,

and please don't do too much homework.

You need more Vitamin D.

I won't. Have a good trip.

Oh.

Safe travels, Meryl.

[sighs] Jo, dear, I wanted
to give you my blessing

to be happy with Albert if
he's the man to do the job.

Thank you.

You know, you and Robbie
have a lot of crap,

and it's none of my business.

You're going to have to work
that out before he gets back.

Wait, back? What do you mean?

He's ready to come home.

And home means here.

He wants to be a real father again.

He doesn't want to miss that show.

So, bye-bye.

Bye.

[doorbell rings]

He's here.

- Hey.
- Hey. They ready?

- Yeah, don't come in.
- Whoa.

I just already have their bags packed,

so I'll just get them, okay.

Okay, that's new.

Yeah, just I feel like we
should have better boundaries

like normal divorced people.

Boundaries like I can't come
into the house that I lived in...

You know what? I totally
get that. It's fine.

- Bye.
- Good morning.

Have fun in Vancouver with Dad.

- I love you so much.
- And Natalie. I love you too.

I'll be right there, okay.

Um...

She said yes.

Congratulations.

- [laughs]
- Great.

I'm glad that she was able
to recover from it, okay.

She recovered fine.
She handled the whole...

She handled our mess with... grace.

Well, I think you're
making a huge mistake, so.

Do you?

Yes, I'm just being honest.

As you should be.

Don't register for
any monogrammed towels.

Yeah, well, don't break
down any moving boxes

because this blended family
bullshit isn't going to work.

- Have a safe flight.
- Bye.

[music rises]

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