All language subtitles for Girlfriends Guide to Divorce s03e01 Rule 043t.eng

Previously on "Girlfriends'
Guide to Divorce"...

I just think it's time to
take control of my message.

So you're ditching your entire brand?

No, I'm not ditching my brand.

I'm expanding it.

Do you have any idea
how much time and money

SheShe spend building you as the sexy,

fun face of divorce?

I can't live in a world that
doesn't have both of us in it.

That's the sweetest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

We got married at the
courthouse yesterday.

I received an envelope with photos.

You and Albert?

You are gonna pretend to be
a perfectly respectable bride.

God help me, I am in love with you.

You're insane, you know that?

I married that woman.

But no, no, no, Jo. I need to say this.

- Okay.
- Nothing can live up to this.

Want to meet your son?

Oh, you're beautiful.

Can you take him for a little bit?

No, Becca.

Just to the park or Magic Mountain.

Becca.

She's not here, Dad.

She's gone.

_

So we're back with Abby McCarthy,

the author of the
nationwide best seller,

"The Art of Artful Living."

- Beautiful book...
- Oh, my gosh, I got to say,

- I love, love, love this book, Abby.
- Yeah.

Thank you so much. I
just thought, you know,

if people would just take the time

to beautify the simple things...

You mean, like, a toilet paper
holder or something like that?

Yeah, exactly, like
their toilet paper holder.

It would just make their
lives all that much richer.

- I did that, remember?
- It was weird.

Uh-huh. I made mine
look like a mustache.

- Everyone was talking about it.
- I used duct tape.

It was a thing of beauty.

But didn't you used to write
about just more serious things,

like your kids and relationships
and that sort of thing?

- Yeah, I did, a long time ago.
- Oh.

- Why'd you quit doing that?
- That sounds like

a different "Abby McCarthy," Kath,

- doesn't it?
- It does.

Yeah, it was a little bit different.

Really, you should change
your name because that woman,

whew, she made a colossal
mess of her career, her life.

Do you remember? Wait,
that was the woman.

Her marriage fell apart,

and she was the one who got busted

with that male hooker,

- sleeping with that guy.
- I've forgotten about that.

Well, she had reasons to sleep with him.

What could the reasons have been?

Maybe she hated credibility.

Yeah, maybe she doesn't like money.

How's she gonna pay her bills?

- Money.
- Hooker.

- [distorted] Career.
- Bills.

Duct tape. Career.

- Bills.
- Duct tape. Hooker.

So what about the royals? Aren't they...

I mean, how cute is that little George?

I love him, I love him.

Here's the great thing about him.

Little George, you just want
to grab his feet and go...

Feet, feet.

- And then the little thighs.
- I know.

- And Charlotte.
- I love...

She had a boo-boo on her.

[knock on door]

- Hey.
- Hey.

You look like you need some coffee.

Yeah. I mean, no.

I've had a lot, but I
dropped the kids off,

and I just thought I would stop by here

before I took this
baby to the firehouse.

- The firehouse?
- I can't do this.

I maybe got to close my eyes
for ten minutes last night,

and I can't get in touch with Becca,

who's this baby's, you
know, actual parent.

- She's been missing for days.
- Yeah, four days.

So I gathered up all the baby stuff,

and I'm gonna take him over
to safe surrender today.

- No.
- Yeah, I'm gonna give him

to a fireman.

Firemen are so capable.

- No.
- Abby, I'm gonna leave

this baby in a hot car by accident,

or I'm gonna feed him solids.

I mean, look at me. I
have a huge meeting today.

I look like I've been
in Vegas with a baby

and Johnny Depp for three days.

Okay, give me the
baby. Give me the baby.

- Are you sure?
- You just got back from Latvia.

- Yes.
- You need some sleep.

And you need to have maybe some tea,

not coffee and maybe a shave

- and maybe a Valium or three.
- Okay, I just... I should just...

Okay. I mean, don't you have to work?

- Are you sure?
- I do.

My to-do list is getting out of hand,

but I am still waiting
for the call to find out

when I face the SheShe tribunal.

It's all right. Wait.
Hold on one second.

I brought the stuff,
though, just in case.

You sure? You can, yeah, take the baby?

Yeah? You know, I mean,
just do a quick load.

- One load.
- No, no, no problem.

- I got it, I got it.
- You sure?

Listen, you need to get some sleep,

and I need some sweet,

Taye Diggs-flavored
baby head in my life.

- Okay.
- Safe surrender to me.

[soft pop music]

Whoa. Did we finish that whole case?

Consider it a liquid honeymoon.

- Speaking of honeymoon.
- No, no.

- Do we have time?
- Mm-mm, no.

Ralf is gonna be here
any minute with the kids.

[laughter]

[beeping]

- Need some help?
- You okay?

I'm just so mad at myself,

and now this is frozen, like my heart.

No, sweetie. No.

- Let me just get out of your hair.
- No, no, no.

The kids are gonna be here soon.

Stay. There's plenty
of room for all of us.

No, you guys should have your space.

I mean, this is the first
time you've been together,

right, since you told them?

You got real married.

- But, yeah.
- Unlike Aunt Delia,

who made a mockery of
the whole institution.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, we didn't say
it like that, but yeah.

- Hey, hey, it's fine.
- God.

We're all fine. I
mean, the kids adore JD.

[sniffles]

No, I really just don't need
any of your newlywed juice

just spewing all over me.

No offense.

I'd like to say on
this romantic, poetic,

sacred occasion

that love is a fraud.

- Oh, Jo.
- You hear yourself?

- Not again.
- You shitfaced,

stupid son of a bitch.

Oh, yeah. You've been
reminding me about it every day.

Oh, I will keep reminding
you every single day

until the end of time.

I don't want you to forget
for one second what you did.

Jo, you are shooting the messenger.

The me... you're not a messenger.

You're a miserable lush.

You don't think I feel bad enough?

As long as you're on my couch,

you live by my rules,

and if I want to force
you to watch this video

every single day like goddamn
"Clockwork Orange," I will.

It is never going to happen again.

Oh, God.

I swear on our kid's life, never again.

He's just so full of shit.

How many times has he promised
me he's gonna clean up?

How did I get into this mess?

Come to New York with me,
just get away from it all.

I really wish you would reconsider.

I have a plan.

I'm gonna go back east for six months,

let the dust settle here,
and then my triumphant return.

- Hello, everyone.
- Hello.

My name is Quinna.

Now, let's all think of something

that we're grateful for today.

I am grateful for the convergence

of the summer solstice
and the full moon tonight.

- That's tonight?
- Yeah,

a true celestial blessing.

I will be back in just
a few to take your order.

Okay.

Thank you.

The food here is good, but I
kind of want to set her on fire.

No, she is right.

The convergence of the solstice

and full moon is incredibly rare.

It's a powerful opportunity
to access our sacral chakras.

- No to whatever that is.
- Yes.

We should have a goddess ceremony.

- Will there be wine?
- No.

No, it is not like that. It's spiritual.

Come on, let me do
something nice for you guys.

I mean, my life feels
so bountiful right now.

Things with JD are great
and with the kids and Ralf.

They're just adapting
to us being married.

- Everything's great.
- Hi. Sorry I'm late, you guys.

Please tell me that you ordered.

[baby whines]

- Is that what I think it is?
- Yeah, Jake was about

to safe surrender him, so I intervened,

and he finally settled down.

He's so cute.

Hella cute, but can I just
tell you how screwed up it

is that you are actually
co-looking after this kid.

Agreed. You should
dump it at the firehouse

with Taye and Becca's
headshots pinned to its blanket.

- Wow.
- Come on, you guys,

this whole free-floating baby thing

and all the work stuff, it
has me very, very anxious.

I'm just happy to be able to do
something about something, so...

Okay, what can I get for you beauties?

I am gonna go receptive.

Ah, ah. You are?

You have to say it like a statement,

so I am receptive.

I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not a bowl of seed
with nature grains.

I'm gonna have the
coffee 'cause I am tired.

I am hopeful.

- [cellphone chiming]
- I am persuasive.

Sorry.

Abby here.

Yes. Uh, today?

Well, that's very soon.

That's okay.

Yes, yes, I will absolutely be there.

Okay. Bye.

Ah...

Okay, you're okay, you're okay.

- What's going on?
- Two hours.

I have two hours to pull myself together

and go save the only
paying job that I have left.

Why did I say that I
would take care of you,

you beautiful bastard?

Who can help me?

I would love to help you with the baby,

but I have to prep for
the goddess ceremony.

I have to get to the bakery, honey.

I'll take him.

Delia, you loathe children

more than you loathe New York.

Yeah, and I'm going to New York.

Pain is transformational.

Isn't that what Phoebe always says?

- Don't put that on me.
- Anyway, it doesn't seem

like you have a choice.

Hey, little baby, want to
watch Auntie Delia drink?

Just kidding. [laughs]

All right.

You got this. You are woman.

Roar.

And that is why my time

with the gigolo is
nothing to be afraid of.

In fact, it is an asset.

When Carl accused me of
loneliness, of desperation,

that's just what men do when they meet

an independent woman of a certain age.

That is the story they want to tell.

But don't we become more
human because of our mistakes?

My brand becomes more valuable
as I become more authentic.

Is that it?

Uh, well, I could go on.

I mean, I'm a talker.

No, here's the thing.

You were trying to get
back with your husband

while writing about the
wild, sexy freedom of divorce.

A little, yes. We tried a little.

And that was something your
readers felt betrayed by.

Again, we've done the optics.

- The optics?
- Yeah, research is over.

It's all about optics
now, and yours aren't good.

How is sleeping with your ex

and then lying about it
part of a healthy divorce?

- Well, it's not unhealthy.
- It wasn't divorce.

- It is now.
- Abby, let me explain.

No, okay, I get it.

My story got a little confused lately,

but that's divorce.

That's life.

You're the guy that wanted
to slap an always sexy,

always happy face on this,

but if I embrace everything
that has happened to me,

and I am ready to,

I think that we have
something really exciting here.

Women in midlife, they just
want to be reflected with honesty

and compassion, and, dare I say it,

they are looking for a leader.

I am going to be that
leader for my generation.

[rock music]

[moaning]

[moaning loudly]

[groans]

[panting]

How'd it go with Frumpkis?

Oh, Jesus. Really?

I know that in addition to
some spectacular shagging,

we might also speak in words

about matters of mild
to actual importance.

If I wanted to talk, I'd go home.

I have a daughter for that.

Got it.

- Oh, come on.
- You know, you have

a unique way

of making me feel like a
dildo with a person attached.

I mean, have you even told
your friends about this,

about whatever this is?

You're acting like such a chick.

- Really?
- Yeah.

God, it's as if... as soon as you...

What? As soon as I what?

As soon as you open your legs
to me, you close your heart.

That is very pretty. Did
you just come up with that?

Unbelievable.

Hey, Mitchell. I just heard.

You fired Abby?

- I let her make her case.
- And then you fired her.

We went in a different direction, yes.

Why?

The Carl thing doubled traffic
to her page. I saw the research.

- Ah, ah. Optics.
- Don't optics me.

Her work was connecting.

She spoke to our readers.

Maybe not the 24-year-old idiots

in search of the perfect spray tan.

Those 24-year-olds spend good money.

Okay, but your idea

for the column was inspired, Mitchell.

Divorce is hard.

Ladies like me need a sexy,
fun face to give us hope.

- It was a good idea, wasn't it?
- So good.

Okay. 750 words twice a week.

Excuse me?

You write it. Clearly, you
are passionate about it.

You are in touch with the zeitgeist,

and you're already on
the payroll, so why not?

Well, first of all, Abby's face and mine

aren't exactly interchangeable,

and secondly, I'm an editor.

With your very own byline.

I hereby dub ye SheShe's
new merry divorcee.

- [baby crying]
- Jesus.

I don't know what to do.

Oh, my God, okay.

Hey, look at that.

That's a doll. Look.

All right, I'm running
out of ideas here, baby.

Okay, hold on. Hold on,
Auntie Delia needs her ba-ba.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, okay. Here we go.

Okay.

Oh, good boy. That's good.

That's good, right? Okay, hold on.

All right. Oh, God.

- Delia?
- Hi.

Yes, yes.

We are good. He is good.

He is just a little tyrant
who just hates brownish people.

He is a brownish people.

Oi.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

I'm... is there a word for sad,

lost, terrified, and humiliated?

Oh, D, I'm so sorry.

Pre-drunk again.

Are you really sure it's a
good idea to be moving away?

I mean, if you need
a break from the firm,

shouldn't you take a break
here where people love you?

Thank you. I think I need a fresh start.

Okay, but do you even know

that Albert is the one that sent
the pictures of you to Gordon?

It had to be him.

- Or his wife or Gordon's ex.
- Yeah.

Or anyone who wanted to hurt you.

Did you even ask?

I would rather move 3,000 miles.

Anyway. Ugh.

How was your meeting?

- I got fired?
- What?

I'm sorry, I don't know why
that came out as a question.

- I got fired.
- What? No. Really?

The news is still sort of hitting me,

but I went in, and I fought for it,

and clearly, Mitchell
was happy to see me go,

so now I am officially unemployed

with no prospects on the horizon.

- So...
- Okay. You do have prospects.

Okay? Tons,

and those guys, they're idiots.

Christopher is hot.

Didn't he feel hot to you?

- What?
- He's burning up.

Got to get him to the doctor.

I mean, I didn't... don't think so.

- He seemed regular.
- He's radiating heat.

If he were a cartoon baby,

there would be heat
lines coming off of him.

When an infant gets a fever,
it can be very serious.

- I didn't know.
- No, not your fault.

I need to get him to the doctor.

I need to text Jake.

I'll text Jake. Just go.

Just... you take him.

And I felt him, and
he was just burning up,

and I know that a fever
can be super dangerous,

right, so Jake and I,

we've been sort of switching
off taking care of him,

so he's been going back and forth a lot,

which is no surprise that
he's come down with something.

And I have no idea if he's
even had his shots, so...

'cause obviously he's not my baby.

- 98.5.
- Oh.

So how long is this
baby staying with you?

I really have no idea.

His mother's MIA, and
his father is Taye Diggs.

- Love Taye Diggs.
- Yeah, well,

obviously so did his mother,
for one night at least.

[chuckles]

Uh, may I?

The baby is completely fine,

but you are very, very warm.

Oh.

Of course.

I'm having a hot flash.

- Sorry.
- Have you seen anyone about that?

No, because it is normal.

But you might want to
consider hormone replacement.

Estrogen patches can really
help with the symptoms.

- Estrogen patches.
- Yeah.

Come on now. Don't look so grim.

People just weren't
meant to live this long.

Hey.

I thought you'd left already.

Did you send Gordon those pictures?

Tell me the truth.

- Hello to you too.
- Answer me.

I thought he had a right to know.

Oh, my God.

So you had to return a few gifts.

You want a Nambe bowl?
I will buy you a bowl.

- You petty, little shit.
- You would've made

a tragic trophy wife, and you know it.

You arrogant, petty, little shit.

- Someday you're gonna thank me.
- You ruined my life, Albert.

You ruined Gordon's life.

So you screwed me silly

- because you were so in love with him?
- I...

- You did not want to get married, Delia.
- No.

The sooner you admit that, the better.

I can't wait for you forever.

Wait for me?

What we have comes
along once in a lifetime.

I could burn my life down for it.

No, you would burn my life down for it,

which is far less noble,

and may I remind you that
you are still married.

You of all people should
know that is negotiable.

Wha?

What?

You're deluded.

You'll be back.

I give New York a month, tops.

Is he okay?

Baby's fine.

I'm the one with the
temperature problem.

What do you mean?

I had a hot flash.

Abby, I ran, like,
14 lights to get here.

Well, this is somebody else's baby.

We can't afford to break
him, and I panicked,

and then Dr. Efron told
me that essentially,

I have outlived my usefulness.

- What?
- He said that people

weren't supposed to live this long,

so now that this kid-making factory

is closed, I may as well just
shuffle on off to Buffalo.

Yes, I'm sure that's
exactly how he phrased it.

That is exactly how he phrased it,

and then he gave me this prescription

for an estrogen patch.

I don't even know where
to put an estrogen patch.

Oh, I think they go
over your mouth, right?

Too soon? Sorry.

I'm just a dried-up, old skin pod.

I don't have a sense of humor.

Come on.

You may as well just put me
on an ice floe like a Viking.

I think the Vikings were
actually the fire raft guys,

- but that doesn't matter.
- No, that was the Eskimos.

- No.
- I mean, the Inuits.

I don't even... whatever.

Just give me a dignified send-off.

Abby, look at me.

Hey, hey.

You're still pretty
hot for a dead chick.

I'd do you.

Aw. Really?

And if it didn't cause
severe marital confusion,

I would do you right here
in front of this baby.

I don't even care.

- I ruined your meeting, huh?
- Oh, no.

I managed that all by myself.

The guy just seemed to
hate the way I breathed air.

Well, were you mouth breathing?

How'd yours go?

- Fired.
- Okay.

So between the two of
us, we have exactly...

- None jobs.
- Zero jobs, yeah.

[laughs]

I did get a line on Becca.

- Oh, really? She's around?
- Florida.

She's staying with a
cousin in St. Augustine.

She really is in crisis.

Yeah, and I heard back
from Taye's people.

They are reaching out to
him, whatever that means.

Oh, I'll tell you what that means.

Taye, babe, looks like your
super sperm met a magic egg.

Give us a jizzle jangle.

[chuckles]

One way or another, this
little guy's off our hands soon.

- Hello?
- Hello, sister.

Ready to get my goddess on.

Oh, did you not get the
text about wearing white?

Oh, I'm taking care of an infant.

Everything I have
that's white is soaking

in a vat of bleach and my ancient tears.

Oh, wow, never mind. Just come in.

Come in and enter with an open heart.

I shall.

Wow, it is very
transformational out here.

- [cellphone chiming]
- Thank you.

Sorry, one sec.

Yeah, take it.

Hey. You're kidding me.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, I'll see you there.

Hey, moon sister.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Jake finally reached Becca.

She's gonna pick up the baby tomorrow.

- Well, that's good. Isn't it?
- I hope so.

I mean, she's hardly
seemed up to the task.

Well, what that is, is not your problem,

and hey, it is really
shitty that they fired you.

Totally uncalled for.

- Thank you.
- And two, maybe shittier,

Mitchell asked me to
take over your column.

That is not at all what I
thought you were gonna say.

Me neither.

I told him how important your work was.

No, no. Hey, it's
great. Are you excited?

Not if it's gonna cause stuff with us.

It won't. This is not a zero-sum game.

I mean, it is an
interesting opportunity.

Totally and you should totally do it,

and there's not gonna be
any weird stuff with us,

and I know you came to my defense.

You've always been my champion.

- I was, and I am.
- Although, according to you,

you don't date, and
that's kind of the column.

I mean, I did make out with that DJ,

and I am here, ready to expand.

Yes, you are, so let us
make a toast to new horizons.

Yeah, there is no wine.

- Are you serious?
- What do you mean, there's no wine?

- There's no wine, yeah.
- Well, I mean, come on.

[all breathing deeply]

When a full moon falls on the solstice,

it's a powerful chance
for renewal in our lives.

Whatever we're ready to let go of,

anything new, we are ready for.

This is a perfect chance to
call down on our goddess energy.

Okay, so everyone has a symbol

of a different element in front of them.

Let's go around and describe

how our element contributes
to our personhood.

Abby McCarthy, will you start?

My element is stone,
which comes from the Earth,

- which makes me feel grounded.
- Good.

So I am grateful for good Earth stuff,

- like vegetables and, uh, mud masks.
- Good.

- Yes, mud masks. Good, thank you.
- Yeah, thank you.

Barbara, your turn.

My element is en fuego.

[laughter]

It is fire,

and as you all know,
it is perfect for me

because I am both hot and dangerous.

- Oh.
- Yes. Yes.

- Yeah!
- Barbara.

- Jo.
- My element is ice,

which would contribute

to my personhood by keeping my cocktails

nice and cold, if I had one.

I'm sorry. I like my yoni
as much as the next gal,

but this is kind of goofy.

My element is water, which
represents the tears I cried

when I canceled my
reservations at Bestia tonight.

Okay, all right, but you're here now,

so can you just try to take
things seriously, please?

Okay, okay.

Okay, everyone, close our eyes.

I want us to take a moment

and think about anything in our life

that's troubling us right now,

conflict, unresolved issues, pain,

and I want you to thank them

because everything in this
life happens for a reason,

and every issue presents itself
to serve a higher purpose.

[sobbing]

Abby?

- Sorry. Jesus.
- Are you okay?

Abby?

I am just not really an

"everything happens for
a reason" kind of gal.

It's just, all that talk
is a little bit insane.

[laughs] No offense.

- No. It's okay.
- By that logic,

genocide happens for what?

Or when a kid dies of cancer,
what is the lesson there,

that watching a kid suffering is awful?

Wow, bad day, Abbs?

Oh, it's just what we want to believe,

when the truth is,

we are all just blobs of sentient plasma

sharing time on a big, cold space rock.

We are born, we age,

we outlive our usefulness,

and then we die,

and there's no little patch of estrogen

that is going to save us

from the ultimate
futility of our existence.

Might want to bust out the wine, Phoebs.

Yeah.

We weren't meant to live that long?

- What's wrong with people?
- It's ridiculous.

- 50 is the new 30.
- Well, 30 is pushing it.

And after what happened at
SheShe, that is rough day.

Not to sound like a drunken record.

- But...
- Oh, that's funny.

the solstice convergence
is an amazing opportunity

to create major life shifts.

Do we have to? Do we?

Obviously not, no.

Okay, we really appreciate
what you're trying to do,

- and we really love you for it.
- Yeah.

Just, you know, burning
a list of my fears

is not gonna get me my job back

or reboot my ovaries.

No, no, but there's
real power in examining

what you want and
setting intentions for it.

That's all I'm saying.

Add in just a sprinkle of space juice.

[laughter]

Okay, I'm gonna go
get some cashew cheese.

What?

We may need to ease up on the teasing.

Oh, I'm sorry, you guys,
but this touchy-feely crap

just brings out my inner asshole,

and I've been a little wiped out lately

with all the sex I've
been having with Scott.

- What?
- I knew it.

It's ridiculous. I mean, the
boy's had a lot of practice,

and now he wants to have a
talk, and before you know it,

he is gonna want to do it in a bed.

- Whores.
- Mm-hmm.

I just wanted an escape, you know.

I get it, but there's another
human involved, you know,

and his needs are real too.

Well, I find that inconvenient.

Until you clear up
your stuff with Frump,

you're not gonna have
the bandwidth for Scott.

Just my humble.

[glass shatters]

Phoebe? Phoebe?

- Can I help you?
- No. Nobody needs help.

Apparently you guys
have it all figured out.

You're the most giving person
I know, and this is lovely.

Then why are you all
being such dickholes?

That is an image.

Maybe it's just, even
amongst your closest friends,

hard to be so out, warts and all.

I don't know, especially
when the context

is how perfect your life is.

I'm just happy.

Right now I'm happy, and I
just want you guys to be happy.

I'm trying to help
you decide about things

instead of letting
them just happen to you.

And you know I hate when
people say that, right,

all that nonsense?

Like, everything happens for
a reason, 'cause it doesn't.

But then Phoebe said something
so simple about being happy,

about making decisions
instead of letting life

just sort of sucker-punch
you into the next situation,

and then I got so clear,

and I swear this isn't
my low hormones talking.

Okay.

Becca is not ready to be a mom.

I am. Christopher should stay with me,

and even though we're
not married anymore,

we have never been better together,

and we kick ass at the whole baby thing.

We do, but for, like, nine more years,

and then Charlie's out of the house.

We don't have to talk
to each other again,

ever, if we don't want to.

- What?
- I mean, not that,

you know, that's gonna happen,

but the idea of us raising
another kid together,

a kid that's not even ours,

that literally sounds insane.

Is that your plan?

Nine more years and then "see
you, wouldn't want to be you"?

- No, of course not. I...
- Well, it certainly

sounds like you're counting the days

until you can put me
in your rearview mirror.

I very pointedly said no such thing,

but do I want to have
another kid with you?

No.

Okay, what's this now? What
is this, Hot Flash City?

What's happening? Is it over?

Do you need a patch?

Do you... are you okay?

Flash?

No. You're right.

This is about us committing
less to each other, not more.

Exactly. You know how
much I care about...

No, no, no, no, no. I get it, I get it.

This is what divorce looks like.

- Abby, I just think that...
- No, this is good.

This is good. I need to
wrap my head around it.

I'm pretty much on my own from here.

Okay, well, that's kind of happening

whether we like it or not

because they offered me that job.

Shoot's in Vancouver.

- I thought that guy hated you.
- So did I.

Like, apparently

that's what they're looking
for in a producing director.

- Mouth breathing?
- A mouth breather

that they hate.

I'm the man for the job.

- Okay, so you're leaving again.
- Yeah. I am.

If there's another plan,

I would love to hear it, but it's a job.

Rise and shine.

Huh. And I was just getting used

to waking up to the dulcet
tones of my slurred speech.

You don't look so good.

[groans] Morning to you too.

- Thanks.
- Mmhmm.

Where's Zo-Zo?

She spent the night at a
friend's house, remember?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

I found your empties in
the trash can outside.

Look, you... you can't
just quit cold turkey, Jo.

I mean, I Googled it.
You'll get seizures.

You just give me one week.

One week. I will be 100% clean.

- I can't do that.
- Jo.

I need you to leave.
This is not a negotiation.

Find another place to stay and
until you get some sober time

under your belt,

please don't come back.

[somber music]

You tell Zoe about this plan, huh,

that you're giving up on me?

I haven't talked to her about it yet,

but I'm not letting you see
her again until you're clean.

For real.

- Oh, no, you can't do that.
- Yeah, I can,

and if you don't stop,
you're gonna die like this,

and I cannot stand here
and watch you do that,

and I refuse to let Zoe watch that.

- Jo.
- I'm serious.

Don't call, don't come around,

until you do right by your kid.

We got more presents.

I thought when you eloped,

- you had to forgo the free stuff.
- No, not with my friends.

That's not how they roll.

Wow.

It's from Ralf.

This is what I'm talking about.

You put love out. You get love in.

I just wish my friends weren't
so closed off to it, that's all.

You tried. That's what... oh.

It's the painting he bought of you.

Huh.

"To the victor go the spoils."

Do you think that's roguishly
charming or just hostile?

Hostile.

What is that?

My last alimony payment.

Ever.

I did not think this
through when we got married.

You didn't? Oh.

I just thought you were
okay without his money.

You're okay, right?

Yeah.

[baby whining]

I am so, so sorry, little man.

Mama kind of freaked out.

I can't thank you guys enough.

You two are gonna be okay, right?

We're gonna be great.

My cousin came back with me.

She's gonna move in
for a while and help,

and then I'm gonna go back to work

'cause it turns out

I'm not really stay-at-home material.

More like run-away from-home material.

Sorry. I'm sorry. This is a little hard.

I'm a little attached.

Of course. You were with
us through all of it, Abby.

I think that's why I
was a part of all this,

and then I was... I felt alone.

- You can always call.
- Always.

I mean, we're, you know, framily.

Friends and family.

Whatever. I just... I'm
gonna see you, right?

Yes. Promise.

We love you guys. Right?

- Do you mind if I just?
- Yeah, of course.

[soft guitar music]

Okay.

- Hey. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Bye-bye, Auntie Abby.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Grabbing a coffee. You want one?

I can, you know, help
myself whenever, so...

Great. Get me one and come sit down.

- Sit down?
- Yeah.

Jesus, come sit with me.

You want an engraved invitation?

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Go ahead.

- With?
- Didn't you have some things

to say to me on subjects of
mild to actual importance?

My goodness. Is this you
making an effort, Josephine?

Well, I didn't come here
to bang you and take off.

That would be tacky.

I came here to talk to you

and then bang you and then take off.

I'll accept that.

Well, I'd say I was surprised but...

Hello, Albert.

So what brought about
this change of heart?

So quickly, no less.

I did some thinking, and
I realized you're right.

- Am I?
- Mm. Why?

Why am I running away to New York,

when everything I want is here?

This, this is my life now,

and the truth is, I think about you.

I think about you all the time,

your brilliance,

your power, your confidence,

and how I can destroy it all.

More than anything, I
want to make you suffer.

If you're trying to make
me hard, it's working.

Let's see if you feel that way

when my lawn decor is
your head on a spike.

Someday I'm gonna tell our
kids about this conversation.

"That was the moment I
knew your mom loved me."

Except you won't be able to talk

because you're head's
gonna be on a spike.

Did you not register the spike?

Damn, it's good to have you back.

The firm missed you.

[door clicks open]

Uh-oh.

I thought we might be having
a photo album emergency.

It's two photo albums.

- It's a two-photo-album alarm.
- Okay.

Well, I think I'm
gonna confiscate these.

Please. Thank you.

Remember how you used to
hold Charlie like a football?

Yeah. Time happens,

and it's happening to us.

Okay, look.

This whole "let's adopt
Christopher" thing...

Okay, it just sounded like
a good idea at the moment.

I get it, I get it.

All I'm saying is, that
during my Vancouver deal

it's gonna be good. I'm gonna
be able to fly home a bunch.

You're gonna be able to
have more help with the kids

if you want, but I really think

that it's a good time for
you to maybe take a break.

- A break?
- Yeah, a break.

Abby, anything good that's
happening to me is happening

because you supported both of
us while I figured my shit out.

When's the last time
you didn't have to work?

Uh, I don't know.

Okay, then let me take over for a while,

financially. You get to breathe.

You get to figure out
what you want to do next,

because I don't think what
you want to do next is raise

someone else's kid with your un-husband.

- Really?
- Yes, really.

I owe you.

I mean, I literally owe you,

and I'm also supposed to take
the kids for a couple of weeks,

and now I'm going away.

Just... just let me help.

You're the greatest un-husband ever.

Well, you're an amazing un-wife.

So what do you think you're
gonna do with yourself?

I have no idea.

[quirky music]

[beeping]

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