All language subtitles for Girlfriends Guide to Divorce s02e11 Rule 118

Previously on "Girlfriend's
Guide To Divorce"...

I am kind of screwed.

My book is due in a few weeks,

and I'm on chapter three.

I've just been so busy at
SheShe and with Jake in Latvia.

You guys, I'm so sorry. We have to go.

- Sorry.
- No, you have to stay.

Abby, back off.

I just want to make sure
you're not giving him a pass

because you feel guilty about
what happened with your boss.

- What if we moved there?
- New York?

I could work from the New York office.

I have been driving myself
crazy trying to make this work.

I'm not even sure I like you.

Seems like we're done here.

Let's not introduce JD as the artist.

Let's run with the enigma thing.

You take my breath away.

No, Ralf, I can't. I can't.

What if I care about you, Jo?

[both screaming]

- [crying]
- Want to meet your son?

[thud]

-
Oh mama, oh mama, oh mama, oh-oh

She just blacked out.

Check your pulse.

Do you feel any pain in your neck or head?

We're going to elevate your legs.

- Oh.
- Abby, you scared us.

- Jesus, Abs.
- Hi.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I just... I don't know what happened.

I was up, taking care of
Becca, and then I was down.

It was so surreal.

You fainted because of all the stress.

What, you think? Who knew Jake was black?

Any clue on the baby papa?

- Taye Diggs.
- Wow, Taye Diggs.

- Oh, my God.
- Becca's one-night stand.

Seriously?

After you invested all
this time and concern

into Becca and the baby?

I did. I really did.

Sorry, it's just that, you know,

the real shocker was
that the baby wasn't ours.

I mean, Jake's.

I mean, the kids and I,

we... we were really
getting attached, and...

Well, now you can have your life back.

- Yeah.
- I know, and I will do that.

I just, uh... I'm gonna get there.

I just... the baby and Harris

sort of blew up and out of
my life on the same night.

- No.
- Harris? What happened?

Oh, it is definitely for the best.

Turns out he is not into kids.

Well, then it's good-bye,
Dr. Dickwad, right?

There's a doctor behind me, isn't there?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Good morning, Ms. McCarthy.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- I'm Dr. Nickel.

- How are you feeling?
- Much better.

I just, um... I got a little overwhelmed.

- And it's nothing serious.
- Not yet.

But according to your blood
work, you have low proteins,

hemoglobin, calcium.

Have you been on a juice cleanse?

- No.
- Good.

I have no patience for Juice Moms.

Chew something. That's
why God gave us teeth.

Still, you are run down, dehydrated.

You need to take better care of yourself.

So, I'm gonna let you go here today

if you promise to rest for a few days

and eat a sandwich... or ten.

[phone chimes]

- Uh...
- [clears throat]

I promise. I, uh, cross my heart.

[chuckles] I just rest, sandwich.

So you're 40 plus years
young this week, huh?

[chuckles] Yay.

- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.

But you're getting older.

The next time you collapse,
you could smash your head.

People die that way.

Copy that. Thank you, Doctor, really.

Thank you so much for that.

What a way to start
your birthday week, huh?

- Yeah.
- "People die that way."

Abby, I think we should celebrate gently

before you expire from the juice cleanses.

- We should.
- Thursday night?

- I'm free.
- Oh.

Gordon's in Vegas.

He's celebrating his bachelor party.

"Duh, guys, let's celebrate my marriage

by being horny idiots; come on."

Vegas, which is like the land
of depression and loneliness.

Even I think it's tacky.

Some people, you know,
use it as an opportunity

to bond with your friends, you know,

before you're moving on.

I like bachelorette parties.

- No, not really.
- Not to me.

[phone chirps]

Well, I gotta go. It's
work, 911. All right.

- Okay.
- Feel better, Abs.

Bye, sweetie, see you.

So Thursday night? Abby's birthday?

- Yeah, right. Abby.
- Don't forget.

- All right, bye.
- Okay.

- Oh, my God, she is so annoyed.
- She has no idea.

You guys, do you think
we should really do this?

Yes, yes, yes. She's gonna be so surprised.

Wait. Are you gonna be okay?

Barbara has hooked us up

at a very exclusive "ladies club."

- What?
- Dude strippers.

Mmm, yeah.

But you might be not into it right now.

Negative, no.

We're not gonna wimp out

on Delia's bachelorette because of me.

So if you're sure,

we have to show up at her office after work

and kidnap her.

I'll get the masks.

- Kidnap?
- Masks?

That's how you do it.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

Well, unless anyone else has anything,

I guess that's a wrap until next month.

I have something.

About the East Coast office situation.

We all know that New York headhunters

have been poaching us to death.

I know. That's the problem with having

an out-of-town office.

Maybe time to fold our hand in New York.

Or we could send a partner there.

Who'd want to get in to that mess?

I would.

I can stop the bleeding,

get that place running like a top.

Okay, but aren't you getting
married in, like, an hour?

I assume that's still on.

It is. Gordon would come too.

He has a business there,

and I would come, right back

after it's settled there.

Well, I think it's a great idea.

Albert?

Oh, well, Delia is our force of nature.

If anyone can help save 360 Park...

But, is that what you want?

You've always said that, uh,

New York is only good for 72 hours

and an expense account.

Well, one out of two isn't bad.

[laughter]

And I'm ready for a fresh start.

Well, then I guess it's unanimous.

We'll miss you.

God, it's so weird coming
home in the same clothes

I went out with.

It's so "Orange Is the New Black."

Mm-hmm.

And... and coming home to the same dishes

that were out when I left.

It's okay. What's this?

Happy birthday.

From Rize Bakery, straight to your stomach.

That is so sweet.

I mean, cake first thing in the morning,

- that's a little...
- Maybe later.

Psycho, put the cleaning
supplies down, okay?

Doctor Toughlove says
you need to feed yourself,

so take advantage, sister.

Sit your skinny ass down.

Yes, and lucky you, you
actually need to eat something.

- Yeah.
- And Scott's cake...

needs to be eaten.

That sounded so wrong.

[chuckles]

How is it with Scott after
the whole couch incident?

Is that gonna be weird?

Eh, Scott and I are always kinda cool.

- Yeah?
- [phone chimes]

A good dry hump doesn't
have to be all feels, Abs.

Right.

It's like working out
together, only less boring.

[both chuckle]

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

- Oh, crap, no.
- What? What?

Kat is texting me the jacket copy,

but this cannot go in the catalogue.

Look at this Face of Divorce.

I mean, could the photo be any closer up?

You T-Zone looks kind of fracked.

Yeah. Random House can't
spring for an airbrush?

Kind of fracked. Yeah.

Give your thumbs a break.

You're supposed to be chilling and eating.

I know. I'm writing...

Chilling and eating.

I am writing a quick to-do list,

and as soon as these things are done,

I am going to take to
bed for, like, a week.

It's gonna be like a bed-in.

It's gonna be like John
and Yoko, only just Yoko.

Did the words "brain smash"
not register with you?

Hey, no, Kat is waiting for catalogue copy

and photo approval.

I need to get into the fall catalogue,

or they will hold my book until spring.

Let them. Take a freaking break.

I can't, Jo. I cannot.

Things change. Trends.

What if divorce goes away

and suddenly it's trans-polyamory?

I cannot reinvent myself again.

I am so close to being done.

I just need to finish my book this week

and... and pack up Becca's baby things

and tell the kids they're
not getting a baby brother,

and order a limo for Delia's bachelorette.

Abby, put the phone down.

Hey, you gotta swear that
after all of this is done...

I will decompress.
I will totally decompress.

I promise you. Or you
can send me to Promises.

[chuckles]

Look. Look at the top of my to-do list.

- "Un-friend Harris."
- Oh, no. Oh, sorry.

The... the one after that.

- "Learn to meditate."
- Right? Come on.

I mean, just go to work.
Have a day, do your thing.

I am gonna be here.

I am gonna be laying the groundwork

for rest-o-rama.

Rest-o-rama?

Choco Krispie square?

Hey. Hey, you.

Not a pity coffee.

Just thought you might
need it after last night.

Ah, thanks.

That's my boss.

Now, how would you like
a bonus Cruffin Nookie?

Baked yesterday but still oh, so fresh.

Really? How fresh?

See for yourself. Just open the box.

"Nice rack." Ooh, wow.

Sorry, that cruffin is fresh. [chuckles]

Call me. I put my
telephone number in the box.

Scott, we... we should
talk about last night.

You know, the thing. The... the thing.

- The thing?
- Yeah, the thing.

On the... on the couch?

Oh, the couch. Yes, yes.

Yes, the couch was... was... It was lovely.

It was, uh... It was a lovely evening.

Singular? Okay.

Um, so I'm gonna, um...

I'm going to go with we
agree to... not repeat.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's probably

the least complicated choice, right?

I mean, why make all
this, you know, emotional?

You know, why get weird
about it? We're good.

- Yeah.
- We're cool. Yeah.

Yeah, we're cool. Fantastic.

There's my Jo, huh?

Ha ha.

[whistling]

I-I knew it.

I knew you were that guy.

The whole "let's do it"
approach didn't work,

so then you pretend to give a shit

just based on this
pathological need to score.

I-I can't believe I fell for it.

Wait a minute. You just said... hang on.

Listen, I thought that we
weren't getting emotional.

Well, then, we should
have thought about that

before you stuck your funky love cruffin

inside of my pastry box.

- Yeah?
- You know what my box says?

I'll tell you what my box says.

"Go screw yourself."

Careful! Oh, geez.

Come on, Slow Pok?mon.

What's the rush? We're not late.

It's just it's Marianne Gallagher.

If there's one gallery that
you want interested in you

after your showing, it's hers.

And Marianne is huge in New York.

I know who she is.

And she wasted no time in calling

because she's opening here,

and she wants raw LA talent.

I mean, that's so exciting.
Aren't you excited?

[sighs]

You're still mad about
last night, aren't you?

Nah. You know. I get things.

JD, I swear nothing
happened with Ralf and I.

But I think I was just...

I was trying to prove that
I was worthy or something.

It was your night, and I'm sorry.

And it would make me really
happy if we could move on.

I accept your apology.

Okay. Will you skip with me?

- No. I don't skip.
- JD, stop thinking and skip.

- I don't skip.
- [sighs]

[upbeat music]

- Mommy!
- My babies. Oh, my gosh.

Don't kill her, Charlie.

She just got back from the hospital.

[chuckles]

But she's okay now, right?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

You okay, Mom? What happened?

I'm fine, really.

It was just a one-time-only
drop in my blood pressure.

- What's blood pressure?
- It's nothing scary.

It means I need to get...
I need to get more rest,

and I need to remember to... to eat more.

I'm in. Like, what's this cake?

- I want cake.
- That's from Jo.

- It's for my birthday.
- Birthday eating.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.

First I want to do a family talk.

Oh, man.

Okay, this is something funny.

Well, not so funny.

It turns out that Becca's baby

is not Daddy's after all.

What?

Wait, how is that even...

She was with somebody else

around the same time, and it's... it's his,

not... not Jake's.

But she lied to him.

She put her peen in somebody else's veejay.

Um, close.

She didn't lie. It was a mistake.

That's exactly right.
When did you get so wise?

So, you guys, you must
be a little disappointed

that you're not getting
a baby brother, huh?

Nah. Now I'm still the littlest.

Okay.

And what about you, Lilly girl?

That means no more pet baby, so...

- Honest?
- Yeah, please.

Do you think Becca will
still want me to babysit?

And if the baby's not really related to us,

do you think it'd be okay if she paid me?

I don't know. Probably.

Um...

But I wanted to talk about feelings.

You know, this has been...

This is a big loss for all of us.

We were... we were...

We were about to welcome a new person

into our... our home.

[chuckles] Or into our lives, at least.

Oh, my God, Mom.

They're crushed cookies.
This cake is amazeballs.

Why are you not eating?

I am. I'm about to start eating.

Who's the dad? Did she say?

Okay. Well, I guess we've all moved on.

So, um, I will go pack up the nursery.

Check this off my list.

Next!

She didn't eat her cake.

It's unself-aware.

And crude

and a breath of fresh
air from what I'm used to.

You know, if I see one more
portrait of the Brooklyn Bridge

through a rainy windshield,
I'll be on suicide watch.

Huh.

These are good.

Very LA. I'm happy.

That's amazing.

So do you want to sign JD?

Right now, let's start a conversation.

Put one of JD's pieces in a group show.

If it moves, we'll keep talking.

That would be incredible. Right, babe?

- Yeah, yeah, sure, I guess.
- Yeah.

Maybe we can do a project together

if you have new work.

Oh, he will. He is very prolific.

And what about you?

Are you interested in
exploring a relationship?

I'm sorry. What do you mean?

I am guessing you know people

with good taste and empty wall space.

A consultant? That would
seriously be a dream.

I'd be honored.

It's not an award, Phoebe.

All the New York galleries are
opening West Coast branches.

They're like foreigners
looking for directions.

"Hey, hey, hey, which
way to the fat wallets?"

You opinion on this, not interested.

I-I was... sorry.

I know how to judge if someone is real.

I see something in you.

I would love to try you out on my team.

- Thank you.
- Excuse me. Looks important.

Oh, I need to take this,

- but I assume we have an understanding?
- Yes.

"Foreigners asking for directions?"

Sorry. Anxiety talking.

Mom, I just wanted to say we're...

We're sorry for making you mad.

I'm not mad.

You're throwing stuff like when you're mad.

[chiming "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"]

You're throwing out Lamby?

What? No. Um, no.

This is yours. No. [chuckles]

Mom, if you want to talk to someone,

I can talk to you.

Oh, honey, I'm fine. I'm sorry. I'm fine.

Actually, I should... I should be writing.

This can wait. Look, take this.

And bring it to the front
door. That would be great.

And I'll be right there.
Okay, go on. Go on, girl.

[chiming "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"]

Onward.

JD, you here?

I risked a drive-by

because I have something
really awesome to share.

Your first check.

From everything you sold at the show.

That's a lot of money.

Because you're worth it.

It is too exciting not to celebrate.

[chuckles]

All right. What are you doing?

I need more canvases.

Marianne wants more work, right?

Okay. Well, can you give it a second?

We can toast.

Sure.

To you. Congratulations.

[glasses clink]

Both: Mmm.

Maybe...

Maybe you should take a break.

That's a first.

Think I... I'm just tired...

Yeah?

From, researching the new series.

Oh.

Are you still doing nudes?

Mm-hmm.

How many times did you research today?

That has nothing to do with... I never...

Twice. Maybe five.

Jesus, JD, do you want to save some for me?

You were at work. I need inspiration.

Or maybe this is your way

of dealing with the whole Ralf situation,

because what you said to
me, at Marianne's gallery,

that was mean.

You're angry at me. Just admit it.

I am not angry. I'm not like your boy toy.

I can't just perform on your sex schedule.

We were on the same schedule

until Ralf happened.

Stop about him. I don't care about him.

I don't care about him either.

I mean, you do like saying his name a lot.

See? There.

And that makes you feel what?

Bored. That's all.

Wow. I actually don't believe you.

If every time you're pissed at me,

it means you're watching hours
of... "Mad Ass, Fury Load"

instead of trying to communicate,

then this is not gonna work.

Uh, what's this?

Birthday 'Fredo.

I have to go to Delia's
bachelorette party tonight,

and I wanted to eat with you guys first.

[phone vibrating]

I love it.

Sorry, it's my editor. One second.

Hey, hi.

Got the message about your cover.

What's the small tweak?

Uh, I just... the... the
photo is a little intense.

But we have no time for a new
photo shoot, your diva-ness.

And that drivel you sent me

was less exciting

than reading the
ingredients in my Snackwells.

Well, that's because the
material is in flux...

Oh, never mind, never mind. I solved it.

I am going with choice tweets

from your Harris flirtage.

Everyone will order from
that. You're welcome.

- Mom, no more work calls.
- Come on.

Uh, Kat...

you cannot go with those Harris tweets.

He and I are done.

He kinda dumped me.

So? I mean, that's all part
of the "sexy" divorcee world.

- Am I right? Wake up.
- Oh, my God.

I know you're just gonna
get off this phone call

and put those tweets in the catalogue.

Is that really what you think of me?

- I-I... I'm on Team Abby.
- Fine.

Run that cover of my fossilized face.

But if you put those
tweets in the catalogue,

I will not show up to a single PR event.

Don't try to hondle a hondler, McCarthy.

Well...

lump it or leave it, lady.

Okay, fine.

But you better deliver a badass manuscript.

You are high maintenance.

I really don't...

[dial tone]

Hello?

It's almost go time.

Operation Bridenap.

She'll be out any minute.

Put the masks on.

- Ew. Is that a goat?
- Oh, my God.

It's all they had at the 99-cent Store.

We're gonna look like
we're in a Satanic cult.

Sorry. It was either this or the Minions.

Are you gonna be okay? You
can skip the kidnapping.

- No, I feel great.
- You sure?

I had fettuccine for dinner.

I had a bagel-y, carby breakfast.

And I am just leaving my worries behind.

[all laughing]

Legal eagle is exiting the building.

You are taking this way too seriously.

Yes, I am. Come on. Come on.

- Hey, lady!
- [screaming]

We got a runner!

- Delia, stop! It's us!
- She can't hear you!

Surprise!

[all laughing]

Bachelorette party time!

[all screaming]

You were like, "Ah!"

I can't believe you didn't recognize us.

I'm wearing your
freaking hand-me-down

red Sarah Palin-looking jacket.

You jerks had me believing
you weren't gonna do anything.

- But you did.
- Yeah.

- Because you're the best.
- Oh.

- I love you guys.
- Aww.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

"Miss you"? What does that mean?

Okay, here it is.

Gordon and I are moving to New York.

- What?
- He's got a business there.

Woman, do not tell me
you are quitting your job.

Oh, no. The firm has an office there.

- It's not forever.
- That's amazing.

That's a highly romantic
way of getting hitched.

But New York. You hate New York.

Oh, I never said "hate."

Okay, maybe you said "loathe."

Whatever. I... you know, Mazel Tov.

What are we planning for tonight?

- Yes, yes.
- Oh, Barbara has hooked us up.

It is XXL time, baby.

High-end, invite only, male strip club.

Oh, yes. You know I am a strip club virgin.

- Yeah.
- You are long overdue.

Mm-hmm.

Whoo!

[techno music]

Welcome to paradise, ladies.

House rules: no tipping,

because it is all included here.

And you can touch,

but you cannot "touch," got it?

Those are balls.

Yeah, you can't touch the balls.

Ladies, can I get you started
with some Ace of Spades,

courtesy of Gordon Beech?

- Gordon!
- Aww, how thoughtful.

That's, like, $300 a bottle.

- I so need this.
- Thank you, Gordon.

Can I make a toast?

- To Barbara.
- (all) Aww.

Well, of course.

[laughter]

So they have dancers here, right?

Absolutely.

- Bring it, Mino.
- Gentlemen.

Here it comes. Look, watch.

- Oh, my God!
- Ahh!

Oh, my God, a man buffet.

I'm gonna go with the Brazilian.

He has, like, 7,000 beautiful teeth.

- Oh, no.
- Which one's the Brazilian?

He is pint-size. Built for me.

Delia likes them short. [chuckles]

I'm Ricky. At your service.

- Both: Oh.
- Well, what do you do, Ricky?

By day, I'm an accountant.

But here, I can do whatever you want.

I'd like to see your spreadsheet.

[laughter]

- Come with me.
- Oh, hello.

[indistinct conversations]

- Have fun.
- Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

- All right!
- Okay, seriously...

- Yeah?
- What?

- She's moving to New York?
- It's her choice.

- She said it's temporary.
- Please.

They will be there for
as long as Gordon wants.

Wow, Abs, pretty negative spin,

and I'm the one saying that.

I don't think Gordon's the enemy.

I think you've had a lot of
rough breaks recently, Abs.

It's not about me.

No, I'm trying to tell you that...

- Can we table this?
- Yeah.

Let's not get into our stuff.

- Thank you.
- Look around.

Enjoy the fierce abs, Abs.

Sorry. I am tabling it.

I am cutting loose.

- Yes, cutting loose, honey.
- Whoo!

Behold, ladies, the Red Room,

which I like to call "The Bedroom,"

because sexy never sleeps.

You know what I'm saying?

[both laugh]

Hey, ladies, who's up for
some whipped cream shots?

- Whippets!
- So retro.

Throwback to my high school
football field, I have to say.

- Yes.
- There you go.

I don't want to think.
There's no thinking tonight.

No, all the things...

[laughing]

I'm not gonna have any house
things, any kids things,

any baby things, any Tay-be
things, any Harris things.

That's a lot of things
to not think about, Abs.

You know, we're gonna have fun.

I am a free bird tonight.

JD? What happened?

I was this delicate little flower,

and I pushed him too hard, whatever.

I'm kind of relieved.

He was sweet but a little bit of a weirdo.

Well, not all of us can date a CNN star

five minutes after her husband
really becomes her ex-husband.

Did we not just talk about

not getting into our shit tonight?

- Yes.
- No, no. Phoebe's right.

Thank you.

I mean, I really was trying to leapfrog.

But Harris can be very confusing.

I mean, he's a sexy TV doctor.

"I'm Harris. Watch me battle
germs with my blinding smile."

He was like a line drawing of a person.

That's the laughing gas talking.

All right, talk away,

'cause I'm gonna see if there's
a line in the Footsy Room.

Oh.

Jo, you don't look like
you're having enough fun.

I'm gonna hook you up.

I'm gonna hook a bitch up. What?

- Cowboy!
- Yeah?

Can I lasso you over here for my friend?

Come here. She loves cowboys. [laughs]

- Oh, my
God. - Uh-oh.

- Whoa!
- Whoo, yeah!

- Yeah.
- [laughs]

Oh, easy there, Hoss.

[all screaming]

- Whoo! Amazing!
- Amazing.

- [laughing]
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, my God!
- Okay, get off. Get off.

I asked for a dance, not a face assault.

Okay, you know, Jo, I
think that's just part

of his cowboy routine, but...

Let's get some candies for the baby.

Oh, let's get you another drink.

What'd I miss?

- It's all about Delia.
- Whoo!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

We should be doing body
shots off these sexy abs.

[all talking at once]

All: Shots! Shots! Shots!
Shots! Shots! Shots!

Ugh. Drakkar Noir.

To Delia.

May you never have to employ your pre-nup.

- [laughter]
- Oh... ho!

All: Cheers.

Rescue victim coming
through! Clear a path, ladies.

She is burnin' up!

[all screaming, whooping]

Barbara!

Aah!

[overlapping whooping, screaming]

Ladies, meet Dr. Feelgood,

the man who can heal your heart.

- Wow...
- Oh...

A new, sexy doctor.

That'll make you forget Dr. Harris.

- Oh, my.
- [women whooping, whistling]

Oh, she just... Wow.

- Uh-oh.
- Okay...

[both laughing]

Okay, Abby, Abby, hey, hey, hey, come down.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

- Yeah!
- Abby, Abby, come down!

Mama like doctor! Ah!

Maybe it's cathartic.

All right, seriously. Abby, Abby, Abby.

Come down. Abby, you are gonna regret this.

Come on, come on.

Was that bad?

- Great...
- That was bad.

Jesus, what are you doing?

One minute you're fainting,

the next minute you're stripping.

What's going on?

Delia, I, um, I'm sad, and I'm tired,

and I'm stressed, and I...

and this isn't about me tonight.

- This is about you.
- Yeah, well, you wouldn't

know that from that display.

You're acting nuts, okay?

- And you're hijacking my night.
- I'm nuts?

- Yeah.
- What about you and Gordon?

- That is so nuts.
- Nice, nice.

- Just put your shirt back on.
- No. I am tired.

I'm sick and tired of playing along

with this perfect wedding crap.

This whole thing has just been a crock

since you started screwing Albert.

- Do not go there.
- Did you know that?

- Un-uh.
- I never asked to be

- your secret keeper...
- Not one word, Abby.

- I'm warning you.
- I have to lie

every time I see Gordon now.

- I have to lie...
- Abby!

- Oh... wow!
- Uh-oh.

- I think it's time to go.
- Are you fighting with me?

- Okay.
- Is this a bar fight?

Because I've had bar
fights. I'm a bar fighter!

- Shut up, Abby.
- I will do that!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Time to go, ladies.

Enough, enough!

We got it. We're good,
we're good, we're good.

You gotta get out. Thank
you, we'll be out soon.

I trusted you.

I just wanted one night

where I didn't have to
think about the mess I made,

but no, you couldn't let me have that.

I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry that I spoke up
at an inconvenient time.

"An inconvenient time"?

Yes, upon reflection, very.

But can you please consider

that what I'm saying may be true...

That you would not be
having sex with your boss

if you were being honest
with yourself about Gordon.

You barely know Gordon.

He's a wonderful...

charming...

manipulator.

And he is... He pulls your strings.

How? By spoiling me?

By making me feel loved?

Delia, I know Gordon loves you.

I really do. I know he loves you.

But the price is that
he calls all the shots.

Like this whole wedding.

Albert was your cry of independence.

You know, go, run off to a new city,

but you're still gonna want your freedom,

because that's who you are.

Well, if that's how you feel,

you should seriously reconsider
being a part of my wedding.

I think we just need

- to take a beat here.
- No.

Maybe I would rather
be honest than be there.

Mom, hey.

Hey, it's late. You should be asleep.

I want to hear about the strip club.

- Was it fun?
- It was, kinda.

- Did you get dry-humped?
- Uh... no.

Barbara did.

And Jo.

- Am I being gross?
- Yes.

Can you just eat a piece of cake, Mom,

like a normal person?

Hmm...

normal person cake eating.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Holy sh... ugar.

Scott's a genius.

Or is it just that I haven't had
anything this rich in, like...

A year.

Ish. Oh, my God.

I love birthday eating.

You know you're a total hypocrite, right?

Like, you don't eat what
you want for a whole year.

Seriously?

I do. I just eat... I just eat healthy.

Oh, my God...

Are you okay?

Yeah, just...

too much cake on an empty stomach.

Mom?

- [vomiting]
- [liquid splashing]

[groans] Uhh...

Oh, God.

Oh, I'm fine.

- Mom?
- I'm fine, really.

Oh, my God.

Life lesson...

Don't mix cake and... [strained] strippers.

[groans] Ohh... Uhh...

- [vomiting]
- [liquid splashing]

Hey. What are you doing here?

I came here to tell you that I am mad.

Okay.

I... was having feelings that...

made me hurt you.

I'm sorry.

- And you apologized.
- I know.

Just suck at this. [groans]

I just don't know how to...

Mad was not allowed in my house.

And I didn't want to trust you,

but then you helped me have real sex,

and then that's all I want to do now...

All of the time... Be with you.

And only you. And Ralf, that...

really hurt me.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have decided...

Don't decide. Y-you're always deciding.

And you push me.

You push me, and y-you
make me talk to people,

and I'm uncomfortable all the time.

And because of you, everything's different.

I'm doing all these things that aren't me,

and I don't know if I want to do them,

or I'm just doing them because
I want you to stay with me

because I love you.

Aw, shit.

Sorry. Too soon.

I only want to be with you too.

You do?

I know it's super-fast, JD, but...

You are an amazing man.

Maybe not everyone can see it, but I do.

You have this huge heart,
and you're such a talent.

And I want you to have
everything you deserve,

and if I push you too
hard or if I get too...

"decider,"

I need you to tell me.

Okay?

And get mad.

Because it turns out
you're really good at it.

[whispers] You're also pretty good at this.

[snoring]

Frumpkis.

What in God's name are
you doing in my apartment?

These keys... They're for emergencies only.

And you look terrible.

[sighs] I am terrible.

You smell like a potato still.

I thought I was gonna
get the hangover award.

Look, whatever Frump
hole you've fallen into,

you've gotta go home.

I don't want Zooey waking
up and seeing you like this.

She left me.

Wait, what?

Charlene.

For that goddamn German tennis pro.

Will you just hold me, Jo?

[crying]

Just hold me.

Thanks for letting me come by.

It's only because Gordon's out of town.

Albert, what's going on?

Delia, please don't say
anything before you hear me out.

Just give me a chance.

A gavel?

You've always said

someday you would like to
see yourself as a judge.

Well, a spot opened up
on the federal bench.

I can get you appointed.

Delia, you are brilliant.

And, yes, you should expand your horizons,

but New York is a mistake.

There are so many better
opportunities for you here.

I want you to stay.

For me.

I'm not going to expand my horizons.

I'm marrying Gordon.

Forget him.

I can give you anything he can.

You can't buy me.

I'm not one of your flings.

Don't lump yourself in with them.

You're not like anybody else for me.

Ever.

Believe me, I didn't plan this.

I realized it when I lost you.

If you're gonna marry anybody,

I want it to be me.

I'm sorry, Albert.

You don't mean what you're saying.

You just don't like to lose.

Don't... Don't diminish this.

Albert, be reasonable!

Delia, think long game.

You're just gonna end
up being one more thing

that Gordon owns, and
you're gonna get bored.

But you and me...

we finish each other's sentences.

We're the same species.

I need you to leave my house.

What are you doing? I said go!

You think you're telling me

that I'm never gonna have this again?

Yeah. That's exactly what I'm telling you.

[water gurgling down drain]

Let's get you to bed, Mom.

Come on.

Okay. You really... Don't get so close

just in case I have a virus.

You don't have a virus, Mom.

You drank and you binged
on, like, half a cake.

Anyone would barf. I would.

You're 15. How would you even know that?

Don't answer that question.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

[groans] I'm sorry, Lilly.

You are right.

Going from vegan dog biscuits
to cake was dumb and vomity

and did not mix well
with strip-club champagne.

Or the... smell of drugstore cologne.

I'm sorry. Mommy's just a mess.

I'm just... I'm overwhelmed.

I have a lot of work to do on my book.

Don't you always tell me to rest

before I do my homework?

Your brain works better with sleep.

Yeah, I do tell you that.

So rest. I can take care of Charlie.

I'm not a kid anymore.

No, I know that, baby.

I know that.

Tomorrow, I'm... I'm staying in bed.

Doing nothing at all.

Until my brain gets back online.

- You promise?
- I promise, promise.

Oh, my God.

Happy birthday, Mama.

Thank you, baby.

[soft instrumentals]

You want cereal, Charlie?

- Mommy!
- Good morning, sweet peas!

Mom, I thought you were gonna stay in bed.

I can take Charlie.

I know. I just feel so much better.

I'm sorry you had to see
me like that last night.

You know, sometimes you
just have to hit rock bottom

before you bounce back up.

And we will be speaking in
refrigerator magnet speak

for the rest of the day, by the way.

And the nursery's all packed up?

Uh-huh. I got up early,
got it all done. Boom.

Just like that! Okay, don't eat that.

I already scooted off to
the bagel store this morning,

and I got us some warm and fresh

and carby breakfast for all.

Hey, thank you so much for last night.

Really. I-I shouldn't
have put all that on you.

I was wallowing a little bit...

- [phone vibrating]
- but I'm totally on it now.

Um, sorry. Just one second. Work call.

Kat, hi. Yes. Yes, I'm sorry for the 'tude.

Um, but I am full steam
ahead on our delivery date,

and I even canceled plans to
go to a wedding next weekend,

so I'm all about work, getting it done.

Okay, great. Later.

You're not going to Delia's wedding?

I know, but I am taking care of me

by taking work off my plate
while your Dad is gone.

Okay, backpacks ready.

You take that. You take that.

Troops moving out, moving out.

Let's do it. All right.

- All right.
-
You got it

- Go, go, go, go, go.
-
Oh, no, no

-
No, no

- Carpe Diem.
-
All over

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