Original subtitles

Previously on "Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce"...

Something's really wrong. It hurts.

You're gonna have to remain on bed rest

for the rest of your pregnancy.

I have a guesthouse, whatever you need.

Frumpkis' new wife is coming to the bakery today.

It was Robert's money that funded the bakery.

That makes it half ours.

This is Joaquin.

I'm an artist.

Let me take you out.

I want a huge, crazy wedding.

I'm not anybody's blushing bride!

- You want to play, mouse? - Uh-huh.

Are you having fun, Albert?

You're feisty. I like it.

- You okay? - I had a bad date.

My husband left me for my sister.

You want to be the new face of divorce?

This is what the real face of divorce looks like.

Is this covered by my insurance?

Put down whatever it is you're eating,

take off whatever it is you're wearing,

and lay down on the bed.

Tell me how that feels.

Mm.

_

[Shoshana Bean's "Broken Even"]

[Chuckles]

Has anyone ever asked you to keep the lab coat on?

[Chuckles] Usually I insist.

[Laughs] I would not stop you.

You are so studly in doctor mode,

wielding that clipboard...

You're into clipboard-wielding?

On the right guy... No joke.

How's your weekend look? Am I gonna see you?

Oh, I wish.

I have to spend the weekend with Barbara.

The one who hates you.

I believe we are at "grudgingly tolerates" now,

but, yes, we will be representing SheShe

at Splitcon 2016...

A convention for the divorced and "split curious."

Is that a thing?

Yep, and now I am the keynote speaker,

and we have our own booth.

That's almost clipboard sexy.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, every night

when I'm on my way home...

I missed you when I was in Ecuador.

Ah...

Maybe people bond faster under stress.

[Laughs]

Is that rushing Becca to the hospital

or meeting my parents?

They're nosy, by the way.

They want to know what we call each other.

Harris and Abby?

You know what I mean. I'm... I'm curious.

Abby...

There's no pressure, you know.

It's just been a while,

and things seem to be going great,

and I was just wondering.

[Chuckles]

I just believe people should really get to know each other

before you define who you are in a relationship.

Yeah. [Clears throat]

I hear... I hear you. I do.

You're phenomenal, you know that?

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

And welcome to Splitcon.

Well, this at least 51% as impressive

as a bridal expo.

Yeah.

From the pictures,

I thought it might be a bunch of folding chairs

at a Holiday Inn near LAX.

Nice...

"Unwelcome" doormats.

Ooh, hi. Do I need divorce-themed towels?

Or a "why aren't you divorced yet?"

window cling for your car.

What? I said that.

Oh, well, it belongs to the world now...

- [Cell phone chimes] - Unless you trademarked it.

Shit.

I forgot to tell Walt where the B6 was.

Who's Walt?

My brother and his husband's "Manny."

He's helping out while Becca...

She just moved into the guesthouse.

Your ex's ex?

Yeah, she's on bed rest.

She can't keep anything down,

and her boyfriend's off shooting a movie,

and with Jake gone and all this,

it's too much.

I don't know how people do it without a "Manny."

"Deadbeat Dad Hunter."

[Chuckles]

Abby McCarthy... Our star attraction.

So excited to meet you.

Andrew Barker... We spoke on the phone.

Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.

This is Barbara.

Sawyer from SheShe! Love it.

Ah, everyone is so thrilled

about your keynote tomorrow afternoon.

Me too.

Well, the SheShe booth is right over here.

Look at that. Yeah.

I'll stop by tomorrow, Abby,

to grab you before your speech.

It is so weird to meet me.

[Laughing]

Seriously, you're too much.

[Laughs]

Isn't she? Too, too much.

Okay, tomorrow it is.

Okay.

Okay.

[Both breathing heavily]

I thought you said no more in-office coupling.

I know. I'm an enigma.

-Aren't you just? - [Sighs]

Anyway, I've been here every weekend for the past month.

So, if we couldn't fool around at work...

Ah, ah, unacceptable.

Don't even say it.

- Oh, which reminds me... - Mm-hmm?

Sherry demanded a family trip to the lake.

I have to leave after work. I'll be back on Sunday.

Oh.

Well, I can put off going until tomorrow afternoon,

if you're open in the morning.

Ugh. No, we'll just have to go without.

Come on.

Now, what's so important?

You can make up an excuse if I can.

Gordon's mother is in town,

and tomorrow Phoebe's doing this thing at her house

where we pick pre-reception cocktails.

I don't know. The rituals just never end.

Stop. Okay, so...

Why don't you let your friends pick?

What do you care?

You're gonna be backstage getting trussed or whatever.

No, I cannot cancel on my almost mother-in-law.

Okay, fine.

Then I'm just gonna have to make up

for what I'm gonna be missing.

[Gasps]

Now...

Oh, okay.

- Josephine? - Yeah?

Can you just suddenly grow a mole?

Can they just, like, sprout up suddenly overnight?

Do you ever keep your pants on?

I find them confining.

I need another pair of eyes on this.

I think I might be dying.

Yo, Jo, you back there?

Hey, kitchen's for employees only!

- Sorry. - He was looking at a mole.

Can I, uh, have a minute?

Sorry.

- [Gasps] - Hey, there, y'all.

Oh.

Is that a knockoff?

Oh... [Giggles]

Doesn't it look good in pink?

Uh, anyway, so, uh, here's the deal.

Uh, Charlene really wants...

Badly wants to pitch in around here.

So she asked me if I could make her

a, managing member of the LLC.

- What? - You're not serious.

Well, I just have all these great ideas

I'm itching to share with you.

And since I'm half owner and I can't be here all the time,

- it makes sense, huh? - [Giggles]

Oh, look at that.

Can I have a word?

I've had a really rough couple of days.

Can you not do this to me right now, please?

I'm not doing anything to you.

Look, it's only a thing until we figure out

the communal property.

That's not the point.

This is what happens when people get divorced.

And if you start rocking this boat,

it's gonna be Zooey who's caught in the middle.

[Rock music]

You want to work here?

Yeah.

You want a job? You're hired.

You start tomorrow.

[Gasps] Thank you.

Yeah.

You need to be confident in every line.

Well, I might be if I didn't suck so bad.

You don't become an artist overnight.

Maybe I don't become an artist ever.

Fair enough.

I just want you to get a feel for the blank canvas,

for, making something from nothing.

Too many people in this business have no concept

of what goes into making art.

Well, thank you,

I mean, for showing me your studio and stuff,

for the drawing lesson.

I truly see potential for you, in the art world.

Can I redirect your attention

to this puddle of sadness I just created?

[Laughs] You could work in a gallery.

You could consult.

And, of course, given your background,

fine-art modeling is always an option.

- Uh... - No, really.

I have an opening at my gallery in a month.

I could use some fresh faces.

Yeah, thanks. I'm... I'm so retired.

Art and fashion have very different goals.

[Cell phone chimes]

I've got a lunch, but please consider.

If you say yes, you'll come to the opening,

and you'll witness an entire life span of a work of art,

from posing for it to its public debut.

Think about it.

I don't want to tweet about Harris.

It is part of your job.

It is my private life.

Deadbeat Dad Hunter.

You're surprised?

Is that why you're picking a fight with me...

Because your ex is... is AWOL

and you don't have anybody to argue with?

No.

Doug just wants to take me to dinner.

Well, great.

How would you feel if you had to live-tweet that?

I'd be grateful that live-tweeting dinner,

passes for a problem in my life.

You have no idea what passes for a problem in my life.

Oh, my God. Abby McCarthy.

- [Giggles] - Hello. Nice to meet you.

You are the queen.

All my girlfriends and I read SheShe now.

Oh, thank you so much.

What are these?

Uh, these are divorce first-aid kits...

Everything you need to survive that first year,

plus a little whiskey.

Shh.

I'm so Instagramming this.

[Both laugh]

Come to my speech.

- [Chuckles] Enjoy. - Thanks.

[Man speaking indistinctly over PA]

Thanks.

You forgot to say: "Like us on Facebook."

I'm gonna grab some lunch. You want anything?

No, thanks. I have to get through this.

You have problems.

Oh, my God.

You are relentless.

No, I mean...

You have problems like I do... Real-life problems.

- Thank you? - Well, not exactly like I do.

You've got your "Manny."

I've got my cousin Gloria

who has type-2 diabetes who eats all the kids fish sticks.

Okay, I get it. We're different.

But we're both under a lot of pressure.

And I get that being the face comes with extra scrutiny.

Thank you.

It can be tough occasionally.

Come on.

You've got a couple of hours until keynote.

Let's take a walk.

I-I really... [Chuckles]

Well, I'm going. Your loss.

But there is someone selling healing crystals

that ward off "divorce neck."

Oh.

Well, for research purposes,

I should probably see that.

Mm.

- We see eye to eye. - [Chuckles]

[Uplifting music]

I'm glad you agreed to sit with me, Phoebe.

We'll be working until the night before the show.

This is one of the new ones, just to give you an idea.

They're, uh...

So bleak. [Chuckles]

Aren't they?

I wanted to find pathos in overexposed symbols.

Hmm.

We're all familiar with the "sad clown" trope,

but, how close have we really looked?

Mm.

- So shall we get started? - Yeah, let's.

Oh, I have a hard out at noon.

My girlfriend's getting married, and I'm hosting this...

Phoebe, for the chance to combine your beauty

with my voice, we'll take any time you can give.

Okay.

Grab her some props so she can find the character.

You'll be sitting here.

[Cell phone chimes, vibrates]

I want you to think of something

that breaks your heart.

I've got to jump on this call,

but they'll guide you through the next part.

Look alive. We have a real model today.

[Exhales deeply]

[Easel scraping]

Okay... Hey, what are you...

What are you doing?

There's actually only a few angles in the room

from which you can produce art.

Oh, well, do you need me to move?

- I can... - No, no.

Um, you look nice.

Um, I think Joaquin said I'm supposed to, um...

I don't even know who you are. [Chuckles]

JD.

JD. I am Phoebe.

Joaquin said I'm supposed to have a prop.

Um, why?

Because he's the artist?

Oh...

But I do the drawing part.

Could you raise your arm when you have a moment?

[Pencil scratching]

[Camera shutter clicks]

Abby! Oh, my God.

You are literally my divorce Yoda.

Oh.

Why, thank you.

May divorce be with you.

[Laughing]

I was married for two years.

It was like, "ugh."

And then I was all, "why aren't I divorced yet?"

Oh, well, I'm sorry it didn't work out.

I mean, I guess so.

But you made being single look so good...

Like with Dr. Harris.

Thank you, but, I mean, it's just sad.

When you've done all the therapy and the hard work, it's sad.

Kind of?

What was the... What was the problem?

I just didn't think it would be so hard.

I mean, who needs it, right?

Let me get my pen.

No, not right.

Where is it?

Marriage is work.

Oh, here it is.

I brought these for you to sign.

[Man speaking indistinctly over PA]

Are these your divorce papers?

Oh, oh, don't worry. It's a photocopy.

It's...

exquisite.

So, if you do the drawing,

then what does Joaquin do?

Oh, he'll take this and do the rest in Photoshop...

Uh, edit, add filters, move things around.

Is that normal?

Joaquin... he's an artist in the tradition

of Warhol and Kostabi.

He has a singular vision,

and part of that is outsourcing execution.

Someone who can actually draw.

[Both chuckle]

In this case, yes.

He'll see something when I'm finished.

I'm not a machine. Later.

Hello, gorgeous.

How was the sitting?

This guy is amazing.

Mm.

Good start. Thank you.

JD... yeah, he started out as a brush cleaner.

Now he's first assistant.

Did you want to grab lunch?

- Um... - [Cell phone chimes, buzzes]

Oh, God, I'm actually late to my own drinks thing.

Actually, we're having a little thing here

tomorrow afternoon.

- Stop by if you're free. - What is it?

It's a private preview of the gallery show...

Something we do for friends and loyal buyers.

Basically, we ply rich collectors

with champagne and flattery.

It might be worth your time

if you ever want to become a dealer or a "gallerina."

[Chuckles] Sounds good. I'm in.

I'm that girl's guru,

and that's what she got out of it.

"Marriage is hard! Who needs it?"

She's one overzealous millennial.

No! I have been too glib.

I need, to write

about how many years Jake and I tried.

It's like, I can't...

I have to rewrite this whole speech.

I can't say any of it.

Do not rewrite the whole speech.

You don't have time.

Do you know that I was planning on opening with,

"So are we divorced yet"?

That's awful!

No, it's smart.

It's your window cling. It's sticky.

I don't want to be sticky,

not if it's ruining other people's marriages.

Stay on message, Abby.

Abby.

[Women laughing]

Guys, I am so sorry I am late.

Phoebe.

You remember Phoebe from the engagement party.

- Hi. - Yes, of course.

- Thank for hosting this. - Of course. It's lovely.

Phoebe has got us one of the best mixologists in the city.

My ex was in the hotel business,

so I know all the best bartenders.

- Aren't we lucky? - Mmm.

Ooh! This will ruin me.

Take this away.

- Jesus Christ. - What the hell is in there...

Quaalude?

It's a lardo-infused bourbon and smoked Rosemary.

- Oh. - Why didn't I think of that?

Drink's been missing the lard.

All right, cheers.

To Delia.

To Delia for doing it right.

- Right? - [Glasses clinking]

Oh, no, I'm serious.

You and Gordon are meant for each other.

Even Mom here is fabulous.

- To Mom. - You know what?

Frumpkis' Mom could barely enunciate through the Valium.

And that is what happens

when you marry for all the wrong reasons.

I don't think there are right and wrong reasons

- to get married. - Oh, hell, yes, there are.

I got married because I was young

and I was terrified.

And I didn't think I'd have another chance.

And here I am paying you out the nose

just to, haggle over my own damn property.

Now you're single in the golden era

of online dating, so cheers to Tinder.

- Mm, great. - [Women chuckle]

No, seriously, Delia,

you obviously waited for the one...

The perfect, perfect one.

Snap out of it, Cinderella. Nothing's perfect.

- [Chuckles] - I mean, I just...

think that unrealistic expectations

can be as harmful, to a relationship...

Ready for the next round of cocktail, ladies?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes.

Everything all right, Dee?

Absolutely.

As right as rain.

Your heart is like a rubber band

when you give, it expands

you might reach the stars

[Indistinct chatter]

Wait. What the hell's going on,

and why are all my employees dressed like you?

We are busier than a one-legged cat in a sandbox.

Isn't it great?

Yeah, there's a line of, like, 20 people out the door.

What are you guys doing back here?

Oh, I just had to refresh on peanut butter bombs.

I've been giving out samples all day,

and people are eating them up like they're curing cancer.

Samples?

Those are, like, $4.75 a piece.

If they want a taste, they can pay for it.

I think we're missing a plum opportunity.

Scott, would you please explain to our co-manager here

how business works?

Actually, Jo, I think it's a great idea.

I mean, people do get stuck in their ways.

Fine.

Just go back out there before people start to leave.

Oh, well, you know, where I come from,

a line out the door is considered good optics.

Mm.

Speaking of which, why are we hiding

our handsome baker and his adorable accent?

Back here all alone,

he's as useless as tits on a bull.

[Giggles]

I bet you agree on that too.

Hey, you're the one

who agreed to all of this in the first place.

Remember that.

That wasn't a fight I could win.

It's never stopped you before.

Okay, hang on.

What's going on, Jo?

You're not acting like your usual self at all.

No, I'm not.

I'm, um... I'm really...

Tired.

[Whispering] All of this...

All of this could get taken away from me.

The only thing I have left is my kid,

and even Zooey gets split down the middle.

Hey, no one is ever taking Rize away from you.

No.

They're gonna make me give it to them.

- Yoo-Hoo, Josephine? - Yeah?

If you're gonna idle back here,

it looks like a downright vindictive tornado

has hit the men's commode.

- Oh. - [Laughing]

You know what?

Why don't... why don't you, um, go co-manage that, Char?

You know what I think I'm gonna do?

I think I'm gonna take the rest of the weekend off.

Well, honestly, I think that's a good idea.

Do you?

[Whispering] You smell like booze, Jo.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

[Rock music]

Uh-oh.

How is this?

"Divorce is an option, but only after hard work,

"a lot of communication,

and, usually, the help of a certified counselor."

It depends.

Are you going for "blah" or "whatever"?

You need a point of view.

Hey, Abby. Ready to wow them?

Ready as she'll ever be.

Give 'em good face, face.

All right.

[Cheers and applause]

There's so many more people than I expected.

[Laughter]

Oh...

So are we divorced yet?

[Cheers and applause]

Crowd: [Chanting] Abby! Abby!

Abby! Abby!

Abby! Abby! Abby! Abby!

Oh my god! That was, amazing!

- You were totally right. - Oh.

I looked at the new stuff that I wrote,

and it was "blah," and so I went with the first one,

and they were so responsive.

I learned I need to say on message...

My message.

Oh, that's quite the change of heart.

I mean, I was thinking,

there are a lot of people here who already cater

to the sad part of a split.

But, people need hope.

I am okay with being that.

- God, what a rush! - All right, all right.

Well, rush yourself over to your phone.

- It's been ringing. - Okay.

[Giggles]

[Cell phone vibrating]

_

- [Knock at door, doorbell rings] - Coming.

- Delia. Hey. - Hey.

I got all your messages. What's going on?

You're never gonna believe what I did.

I knew having an affair with Albert was awful.

It just...

[sighs]

The sensible part of me just checked out.

So the only explanation is that I am a monster.

You're not, and trying to convince yourself that you are

isn't gonna help you understand why you did it.

Maybe you're telling yourself

you're not that into being a wife.

I could be a wife.

I'm not the first unhinged bride to have an affair

before the big day.

Mm-mm. No, you aren't.

It's classic commitment phobia.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, it's not about Gordon.

It's about blindly devoting my life, to anything.

- But I love him. I do. - [Door opens, knock at door]

- Abs? - Hey. What are you doing here?

Hey. I never turned this in.

Am I interrupting something?

No, no, I was just telling Abby

that, we decided on the milk punch

and the white Negronis, so...

- Nice. - What's going on, Jo?

You didn't have to bring those back right now.

Can I spend the night?

I, uh...

Have roaches.

[Laughing] Wouldn't you believe?

So I just figured that the guesthouse is a safe bet.

You know...

Well, the guesthouse is taken at the moment,

but we have couches.

Lucky me.

All right.

All right.

- Everything else okay? - Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

- You want to talk about it? - No.

Mm-mm.

This is great.

[Laid-back rock music]

Hey.

I was hoping I'd find you here.

I thought you were at a lake.

I cut it short.

Sherry and the kids are still there,

so I have time for my favorite colleague.

How do you feel, about a bungalow

at the Beverly Hills Hotel?

[Sighs]

What?

Albert, we can't do this anymore.

Does Gordon suspect something?

No, I just...

Need this to be, done.

I...

[Sighs]

Albert, you're amazing.

I just... I don't want to be an, adulteress.

I can't take the guilt.

Well, say no more.

I knew it couldn't last forever.

We had a good time, though, eh?

- Mm-hmm. - [Both chuckle]

I'm sorry.

Joaquin, hi.

Phoebe, love, you look exquisite.

Thank you.

This is Phoebe Conte,

who graciously agreed to sit for me in my new series,

even though she's more used to the cover of Italian "Vogue."

Oh, well, I'm actually more interested in...

I told my assistants

it's not every day you get a supermodel to pose.

- Well, I think I was more... - Don't be modest, honey...

[Whispering] For both of us.

Now, uh, where was I?

The grand illusion of capitalism.

Right, where even innocence

is something to be bought and sold.

Is that Jeff Koons?

Jeff! Excuse me.

[Chuckles awkwardly]

I'm gonna go get some more to drink.

Lucky you. It's our last kit.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. What a weekend.

Are we done? It's only 4:00.

We're out of kits,

and I'd like to enjoy what little remains

of my Sunday.

Excuse me. Abby McCarthy.

- Hi. - Kenneth Marcus.

- Hi, Kenneth. - Call me Ken, Kenny, whatever.

- Hi, Kenny. - Loved your speech.

Thank you.

You know, I'm a huge admirer of your work.

CEO of "Just Playin'."

- We do offbeat gift items. - Oh.

Silly semen? [Imitates can spraying]

- That's us, right? - [Laughs]

I've seen that.

- Anyway... divorce. - Yeah.

Yeah, that's the next frontier for us.

And I want to talk to you about designing your own line

of themed merchandise.

Well, you're too late on the window clings.

Thanks anyway, but...

No, actually, I would like

to talk to you about that, because...

Hope... Let's spread it.

Yes, let's spread it. Absolutely.

- Yeah. - Okay, great.

Scott, pants up!

[Lively pop music]

Who the hell runs out of chickpea flour, anyway...

[gasps] Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

- Uh... - [Both clear throats]

Your dick is Brutus. You got Brutus for a dick.

Ironically, I, too, am not immune to adorable accents.

This is not what it looks like.

This man is a liar and a manipulator.

He is trying to push you out of Rize.

Oh, no, honey.

It looks like you were trying to push your hand down his pants,

you puta loca.

I was just trying to get him to talk.

I know his type.

He says that you draw boundaries around him creatively.

I-I-I... what?

That was Brutus talking.

Don't trust a word he says. He is playing you.

I will deal with Scott.

Now, are you gonna tell Robert about this,

or do I get the pleasure?

Oh, well, go ahead. Tell him.

See if I care.

Robert will believe me no matter what you say.

The genius of it is, it's a tear away calendar, right...

but each sheet has its own cocktail recipe

and catchphrases.

Here, "why aren't we divorced yet?"

[Giggles] Cute.

"Not easy? Not worth it."

Uh, I didn't say that.

Well, you implied it.

Plus, there's so many days of the year.

Let's talk wine charms.

Wait. Can we just go back to the calendar?

Because if I was gonna do that...

We're not married to it.

You don't like it, forget about it,

because you're gonna love this.

- Huh? - Uh, I did not say that either.

Mm, actually, you did

in that piece about dating apps.

I was being ironic.

I brought you a little gift

from, Santa's workshop.

[Laughing]

You see, consumers can customize their own

by uploading a photo of their ex...

I don't want to throw darts at Jake's face.

You said you wanted to kill him

in a video that got, like, six million views.

I did.

And, um, I'm sorry.

I'm not interested in any of this.

All right.

[Upbeat music]

[Indistinct chatter]

JD?

You're still here.

Hi, um...

You look, uh...

Again...

You working?

Yeah, after the preview, we have to finish a lot

of art and hang it, at...

Um, downtown...

- The gallery? - Yes.

Well, do you want to take a break

and join the party?

[Sighs] No.

And Joaquin wouldn't allow it, anyway.

Why?

You make the art too.

Joaquin believes people don't want to know

how the sausage is made.

Oh, well, that's convenient for him,

seeing that the main ingredient seems to be you.

It really is not that unusual.

But it is that annoying.

Is the whole art world this...

- Terrible? - Yes.

No, not at all.

- But the people... - Are buyers.

One of them has his Picasso

displayed with a black light.

"Brings out the colors."

Another one has his Basquiat hung upside down.

[Gasps] No.

That's what happens when stupidity and money collide.

Do you want to go get some tacos?

[Both chuckle]

[Laid-back music]

First I'm going to kill you,

and then I'm going to fire your ass!

- Easy, easy! - What the hell?

- You stay out of this, Jo! - Oh, come on!

Lover boy here is a psychopath!

He's obsessed with Charlene!

Hey, hey, hey! Come on! That's bullshit!

Why the hell is she at home right now

- crying her eyes out? - Because, Robert,

she's out of her flippin' gourd!

Just like you, okay?

Scott here, he's a train wreck of a delicate flower!

And, yeah, it's a pain in the ass from a staffing perspective.

He likes to screw around with his coworkers.

They always consent, always.

Enthusiastically.

You are so dead!

Stand down!

I am so sick of this!

Did we not love each other once?

Yeah, maybe it was co-dependent.

Maybe it was toxic, but we did get married,

and we shared everything together,

including our goddamn money, and here we are.

You're the one who wants to make this into a fight!

Am I?

When you didn't even have the decency to leave?

You had to have a secret life to run away to.

Who knows if any of it was real?

You took everything away from us,

including our goddamn memories.

And here I am, trying to get my life back together,

and you two waltz in here trying to take the one thing

away from me that you haven't shit on already.

Do you hate me that much?

Oh, Jo, no.

No, I don't hate... I never...

What do you expect me to do?

Have some empathy.

I do.

I do, Jo.

But I'm with Charlene now.

And the lawyers haven't decided who this place belongs to.

Until they do...

This place is mine.

Charlene wants to bang a baker, she can do it at Le Pain.

- That's low. - Get out.

- That's low, even for you. - Get out...

Before I tell Zooey about what was on Scott's menu today.

Try me.

All right, this isn't over.

No, it's not.

[Lively pop music]

There you are.

I have someone I want you to meet... a collector of mine.

He's sort of a big fish.

Phoebe... Spectacular, isn't she?

Your girls always are.

Yeah, but she's special.

She sat for me yesterday for the new series.

She usually models for French "Vogue," but...

"Italian," and, technically, I sat for JD.

You know, the work felt a bit satirical at first,

but now I'm beginning to see it as something like a...

A cry from the bowels of the machine itself.

- I'm already in love. - Wow.

So Phoebe's piece... is it spoken for yet?

Not yet, but I think it's gonna be

one of the standouts.

I'm actually looking for something

in the 40-by-60 range for my walk-in.

Oh, your closet. Of course.

Done and done. I can go that big.

Oh, excellent. Excellent.

Bye.

Wow, this has been enlightening. I'm out.

So soon? But we...

I am not a girl in a bikini at a car show.

- This is bullshit. - Oh, really?

Well, please forgive me for trying to educate you

about exactly what you asked me to.

You know what? You're right. I used you.

And you used me, and now I'm gone.

You don't even realize what I can teach you.

No, you taught me that I need to stop confusing

big words and bad denim for life experiences,

so thank you.

[Chuckles]

That guy's a jackass.

Don't take anything he says personally.

I just... I thought I was being authentic,

you know, but apparently I inspire aprons

about ditching commitment.

Me, who can't stand that Harris

won't say he's my boyfriend.

So he's not big on commitment?

Not so much, at least not yet.

Well, it really hasn't been that long.

I know. That is what I am trying to say.

It's like... I talk a big game,

but the whole sexy-divorc?e thing?

It is just not me.

I-I saw that crowd,

and I caved.

I'm a faker.

Everything I touch turns to fake.

Fake, fake, fakey, fake, fake, fake, fake, fake, fake,

fake, fake, fake.

You're not even contradicting me.

[Elevator bell dings]

[Rock music]

Any sign of them?

Pretty sure I scared 'em off for good.

Huh.

You're not gonna give me any credit?

For what?

Yesterday, she was all over me.

At first, I rebuffed her advances,

because I just knew that she was trying

to turn me against you.

So, I declined,

telling her that my allegiance was with my dear Jo.

Is this the "Game of Thrones"?

- Less rape-y. - Mm.

So, after we closed,

I may or may not have let slip

that you were annoying me

and that if Charlene and I joined forces,

we could throw you out of the bakery.

I also may or may not have suggested

that we consummate our relationship with some snogging.

You set her up.

Are you trying to say you did that for me?

Perhaps.

Maybe.

I could tell you had a lot on your plate.

I always say that I don't think of my marriage

as a failure, even though it ended.

But the truth is,

a part of me does think we failed.

And I have a confession to make.

It has been, so hard

letting go of our family and each other

that, uh...

Jake and I tried to reconcile

while I was working here.

It was brief, very.

And if there was a moment...

[Voice breaking] That we could have saved us,

we missed it.

Okay, this is sad. I don't like it.

It is, and I don't put any of this into my column,

because, you know, "happy face."

But happy is not the whole story.

The whole story, is better.

It has ups and downs. [Chuckles]

I need to take control of my message.

So you're ditching your entire brand?

No, I'm not ditching my brand.

I'm expanding it.

I mean, isn't that what we want?

No, not from you.

Your thing is working. Don't mess with it.

I hate this.

Actually, I think it's a good idea.

Jesus, not you too.

Our readers are pretty sophisticated.

They'd probably appreciate some self-awareness

from their lifestyle gurus.

Yeah, no, you know,

I've already clicked to a BuzzFeed quiz in my mind.

So, Abby, I want 1,000 words

on something that makes... happy thoughts...

by Friday.

1,000 words of bullshit, stat.

Forget about the column.

We'll throw together some listicle

of "29 things we learned at Splitcon '16."

- We can do that in our sleep. - Yeah.

Thanks.

And thanks for what you said in there.

Oh, don't worry about him.

Just slowly course-correct each week,

and eventually you'll get to...

"sexy and divorced but pro-marriage face."

[Chuckles] I can do that.

Mm. [Chuckles]

Thanks again.

I'm not going on a date with Doug the Deadbeat Hunter.

My ex stopped paying child support.

He's got money.

He's just spending it on spoiling his new woman.

Your sister?

I choose to think that she's adopted, but, yes.

He knows I can't afford lawyers and all that.

Hell, it turns out I can't afford Doug.

You know, your friend Delia

would eat your ex for breakfast, pro bono.

- Oh, I couldn't. - I could.

If you think it's worth trying.

She lives for this stuff.

- Door. - Look at you.

You're learning.

[Rock music]

Hey.

Hey.

Doorman had this for you.

Maybe it's a wedding present.

Oh. Thank you. Mm.

- So, listen... - Mm-hmm.

I'm running late. I got to get my Mom to LAX.

But maybe later we go to crossroads...

Make up for all that takeout this weekend?

Mm, he makes vegan sound dreamy.

Okay. I'll be back.

I'll see you soon. All right?

Okay, bye.

Bye.

[Door closes]

[Chuckles]

[Dramatic music]

Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0