Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com

"Hi, I'm Riley Matthews,

and these are your John Quincy Adams middle school morning announcements."

Why are you even rehearsing?

I'm going to get it perfect this time.

And you're on.

Hewo, I'm Miley Flatshoes and these are your flurning amousenits.

Today's lunch in the cafamatorium will be hot males.

(Laughing)

Hot tamales... I'm hoping.

Hello, news lady!

- Carpool! - Far... carpool?! (Laughing)

And here's your Farkle science moment.

The Junior Entomology Society has once again nominated me for a Buggie Award

for my research paper on the orange dancing spider.

Congrats, Dr. Farklestein.

- I hope this is your year. - Oh, I never win.

Awesome. Wish I could go, but I don't wanna and I'm sure tickets are impossible.

- I have two. - Then I just don't wanna.

Awesome. Which one of you will be Farkle's choice?

I'm telling the world. Farkle must finally choose

between his sweet angel whose smile lights a path to goodness

or my dark demon who unleashes in me something so terrifying

I really wanna know what it is.

Thanks, and I'm not gonna be there when you find out, Carpool.

- And there it is, John Quinciatti. - (Laughing)

Flankle juices bequeen yama and symelf.

Yama?

(Pop music playing)

I've been waiting

for a day

like this to come

struck like lightning

my heart's beating like a drum

on the edge

of something wonderful

face to face with changes

what's it all about?

Life is crazy

but I know I can work it out

'cause I got you

to live it with me

I feel all right, I'm gonna take on the world

light up the stars, I've got some pages to turn

I'm singing "go-o-o"

oh oh oh oh

take on the world, take on the world

take on the world, take on the world

take on the world, take on the world.

(School bell rings)

Who's the greatest ally of the United States?

Farkle?

I'd like to help you, sir, but I got a lot of things on my mind.

Are you tense, Farkle?

Is it Buggie Award season?

Yes, and I know that once I've chosen

between Riley and Maya for the dinner, I'll actually be letting the other one go.

I'll go. I'll go right now.

I think it will be sad when Farkle doesn't love us both the same.

Yes, one of you will be crushed.

You will, however, receive the Farkle home game as a consolation prize.

Ooh, what's that?

It's this game where the loser goes, (mimics sobbing) "Farkle."

So who is the greatest ally of the United States?

- Ask Farkle. - (Sighs)

Canada. You want me to say Canada.

You want to explain why or do I have to do everything?

Everything. You love that.

Look, I really want one of you at the Buggies with me

to pick me up when I lose again to my archnemesis Smackle.

(Chuckles) Smackle? What kind of parents name their kid "Smackle," Farkle? Oh.

It's just interesting that all of our thoughts

turn to other allies first when Canada is right next to us.

Perhaps it's because we know they'll always be there for us

that we take them for granted.

Farkle, I'm going to make the ultimate sacrifice and let you go with Riley.

Yeah, well, I'm going to make the ultimate sacrifice and let you go with Maya.

I decide! You hear me?

This game is Farkle's choice.

Prepare to go through the emotional gauntlet of love.

Both: Okay.

Judy, I'm so glad you were able to join our little book club.

Auggie is such a fan of your daughter Ava.

- (British accent) Oh well, who isn't? - (Mouths)

And I must say, what a surprisingly decent idea, Topanga.

I think a book club is such a wonderful forum

to exchange ideas and intellectual conversation.

Judy, are you British?

No, I'm just better than everyone else.

Wow. (Chuckles)

Well, I see where your daughter gets her confidence.

Oh, and Auggie is such a lovely little girl as well.

- Auggie is a boy. - Oh.

I've never really looked at her. (Giggles)

Ucch. Okay, everyone, I hope we all enjoyed our first book,

"Murray the marvelous moose."

- So who would like to start? - Ava.

(Mutters) Oh boy.

Murray the moose discovers his self-worth

in a world constantly challenging his sense of...

- (Mimics cough) Identity. - (Mimics cough) ...Identity.

Mmm. An interesting and I'm sure well-rehearsed interpretation.

(Mimics polite cough)

What are you implying?

(British accent) I'm not implying anything.

(Normal voice) I'm saying it right in your face.

So who has a different take?

- Auggie? - I ated one of the pages.

I'm not with him for his brains.

- Check out that tush. - Oh!

- Ava! - I'm okay with it, mom.

All right, Ava, would you like to read an excerpt from the book?

"One day, Murray the moose woke up and didn't want to be a moose anymore."

So good. So good. That was really very good.

Yes. Now, Auggie, it's your turn.

I like it better when you read to me, mommy.

Aren't you a little old for that?

- Am I, mommy? - (Emphatically) No.

It's all right, Topanga.

It's a scientifically-proven fact that boys develop at a different pace.

Thank you for my smoothie.

Extra thick so you can eat it with a spoon.

You know me very well. (Giggles)

That giggle is my favorite sound in the world.

I know I've told you I've loved you since the first grade,

but I don't think I've ever told you why.

- Farkle... - Hold that thought.

Have a little pretzel with your mustard, Maya.

I know how you like it.

I'm eating this, then I'm leaving.

My eighth birthday party.

Don't remember it at all.

Bing!

You kept this?

You tried to do a kick-flip off the park bench.

You were not ready for those moves.

Still got the scar.

It was the only time I've ever seen you cry.

Why did you keep this?

It was the only time I've ever seen you cry.

Farkle.

Have you been seeing someone else?

There's only you.

Don't think it's going to be so easy

to get me all emotional over some little object

that shoots me down memory lane.

- Bing. - Hazel the hippo.

You're alive!

You gave me this when you sat with me in the hospital when I had my tonsils out.

I lost her and never had the heart to tell you.

How did you know?

I bought two of them, you know, just in case, you lost the one I gave you.

Thank you, Farkle.

Thank you, Farkle.

Girls: Are you speed-dating us?

Welcome to what's going on!

As you know, being nominated for a Buggie is the highlight of my life.

We realize that.

I wanna share my happiness with someone special if I win,

and if I lose, I want someone who cares about me to be there.

So I wanna make sure I make the right choice.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

Wow. He's paying the bill.

I should've eaten more.

Hey, yo, you still hungry?

'Cause we're gonna get some pizza, so we're thinking...

Stop thinking. It's not you.

What's she mean by that?

What my brother Sheldon doesn't understand

is that because of our demeanor, you think that we're a couple of oafs.

- Is this true? - I'm afraid so, Sheldon.

- Oafs?! - We are sorry to hear that.

What's the other one think, Cisco?

You should find out by asking.

What do you think...

Other one?

I think you're way too close.

And what are you gonna do about that?

I may not look so tough, and I don't say "yo,"

but I'm insane when it comes to these two,

so what you're gonna do is run down the platform screaming

until you reach Broadway.

I just don't see us screaming until Broadway.

Who do you think you are anyway?

Oh, me?

(Boys scream)

I'm Canada.

A little taken for granted, but...

I'm always there for you.

You know what? I've decided to go with Farkle.

- You don't have to. I'm going. - I said I'm going.

- I will mess you up. - Then I will clean me up. Ha!

Riley, what are we doing?

Are we really fighting over Farkle?

Yeah, and I'm gonna win.

It's on, Matthews.

So did you text him last night?

No. We agreed not to.

Farkle's choice, remember?

- Did you video chat? - Absolutely not.

We agreed to do nothing to influence him.

That's the deal.

- Ladies. - Both: Farkle.

Thanks for the text, Maya.

I enjoyed the video chat, Riley.

But I'm gonna need some time to myself to make this difficult choice.

And Maya and I agreed we would do nothing...

(Locker opens)

...to influence your decision.

Yeah.

- Lookie what I found. - (Gasps)

- You forgot to scream. - Thank you. (Screaming)

An Arizona blonde tarantula.

- Well, of course. - You can't do this, Maya!

What I love about this species, it's the perfect mate for...

for my orange dancing spider.

Yeah.

This is completely unfair.

Look at these two. So vastly different and yet so wonderful together.

Well, of course.

- They seem to really... - (Crunches)

- She bit his head off! - Oh my heaven!

- (Kids scream) - She bit his head off!

Just like our lives are gonna be together.

No. Maya is not the only one who likes spiders, okay?

- I happen to love them too. - Really?

Then you would have no problem if I put this

spider on your head and you wore it like a hat?

A hat, you say?

I know this is out of your comfort zone, Riley.

I'm really impressed you would do this for me.

Yeah, I still can't decide who I'm bringing to the Buggies.

- You're both still even. - (Sighs)

Hi, dad, this spider is laying her eggs in my brain.

Yeah, okay.

"Murray the moose realized it is much better to be who you are

than to pretend to be somebody else,

even if your fake British mother wants you to be."

Where does it say that?

It doesn't say that in mine.

Mm, yes. Well, perhaps you're not the only one with a well-rehearsed child.

I still like it better when you read to me, mommy.

Why? My mommy never reads to me.

She says it makes me weak.

Oh.

So then who acts out the parts and does the voices and makes it fun?

You can do that?

Well, let's see. Cory?

Cory?

Oh. Yeah, right.

"One day, Murray the moose said"...

(Deep voice) "I'm tired of being a moose."

(Kids laughing)

"I wanna be a porpoise, like you, Penelope, and swim in the sea."

(High-pitched) "But, Murray, do you even know how to swim?"

"Let's find out!"

- Sploosh! "Oh!" - "Ooh!"

"Help me! Help me, Penelope!"

"Okay, I will gather all of my ocean friends.

Come on, ocean friends, help save Murray!"

"And all of the ocean friends worked together and saved Murray.

And Penelope said, 'oh, Murray, we love you for who you are!'"

- I love you, Murray. - (Chuckles)

- Sorry, mommy. - Oh!

I love you too, Murray!

(Grunting)

Primitives. Look at the time. Ava, let's go.

I like it when Topanga throws me out.

- Excuse me? - Oh, me too.

- (Judy gasps) - Topanga and Ava: Whee!

- (Ava giggles) - Ah.

- (Deep voice) Get out. - (Judy gasps)

- (Exhales sharply) - Slam the door!

Sla... (Gasps)

"And then Murray decided he wanted to be a penguin."

- Doo da, doo da, doo da, doo!

- (Kids laughing)

Doo da, doo da, doo da, doo!

Best book club ever.

Thanks for coming over right before your big night.

This bay window is very special to me, Farkle,

and I enjoy sharing it with people who are special to me...

- Like you. - Thank you.

I feel like I'm sitting on sacred ground.

I mean, this is where you and Maya share so many moments together.

(Sighs) Tee-hee-hee-hee-tee.

There's that giggle I love.

What made you laugh in that weird fake way?

Well, I was just picturing you at this dinner with Maya.

I mean, you guys so don't belong together.

- You don't think we do? - Not at all.

- Do you think we do? - I don't know.

- Do you? - (Thuds)

Ignore that big bird.

My bay window!

Locked! Ha. Locked.

How did you do that?

You tried to lock me out of your room?

Not cool.

You're interrupting my alone time with Farkle?

- Not cool! - You're actually fighting over me?!

Cool!

Except you're fighting and it's my fault.

Can either of you tell me why you'd even want to go with me to the Buggie Awards?

Yeah. Well, I can tell you why I've always loved you both.

I can't think of one of you without thinking of both of you.

I withdraw my offer.

I'd rather go alone than hurt my two best friends.

That's my choice.

Not cool.

Announcer: Live...

From the fabulous chanticleer hotel of weehawken,

it's the 67th annual Buggie awards!

And now your host, Miss Jane Lynch!

Ha ha, the Buggies.

- Yup, I'll host anything. - (Laughter)

Oh, look at this crowd. My goodness.

Jennifer Lawrence, Leo DiCaprio...

Not here.

But look who is here, we've got Milton.

Hey, kid. And of course Smackle!

- You. - No no, you, lady. (Chuckles)

And where is our perennial hopeful?

Oh, there he is.

Well, I am hoping this is your year, kid.

'Cause I love ya, Farkle.

Giant lady.

(Laughs) All right.

Let's get to our first award of the evening.

Here to present the Buggie for best terrarium design,

Liam Hemsworth and Anna Kendrick's science teacher!

- What is this feeling? - Awfulness.

We're ruining the greatest night of Farkle's life.

We actually let him come between us.

- We did. - How could we ever fight about that?

Because he's great.

- So great. - (Sighs)

For the rest of our lives, let's never settle for anyone less than Farkle.

Well, it's been a giggly fun five hours, hasn't it?

Before we get to our final Buggie award this evening, umm...

A tribute to those we've lost this year.

- Ladies and gentlemen... - (Music playing)

...in memoriam.

Swing low

Sweet chariot

coming for to carry me home

swing low

sweet chariot

coming for to carry me home

I looked over Jordan

And I what did I see

coming for to carry me home?

A band of angels

coming after me

coming for to carry me home.

(Music stops)

- I'm gonna miss 'em. - (Big-band music playing)

Man: Okay, we're out. Going to commercial.

- Farkle. - Smackle.

Well well, here we are once again.

Hope you didn't waste your time writing a speech.

You lack modesty, my archnemesis.

And I see you lack a companion for the evening, my archnemesis.

Are you finally available?

Not that I care.

It looks as though I might be, and I care very much.

(Sighs) It doesn't have to be like this, Farkle.

You and I can rule the world... together.

You and I? Smackle, we're both evil geniuses.

Science dictates that like forces repel.

Oh, my dear archnemesis, science does not dictate emotion, not that I have any.

Your theory intrigues me, Smackle.

I've never looked at you in this way.

I will do that now.

No, repelled. I shall avert my eyes.

- Man: And we're back in three, two, one. - (Music plays)

I will now present the final award of the evening for high achievement in research.

And our two finalists are, once again, Smackle of Einstein Academy.

Hey, who's your date for this evening, Smackle?

Is that handsome gentleman your father?

He's my Uncle. Daddy said no.

Sure.

And of course, Farkle from John Quincy Adams.

Well, it looks like I am all alone now.

Both: No, you're not.

Whoa! Two of 'em, huh?

Playa! (Chuckles)

Okay, the National Junior Entomology Society

is pleased to award the Golden Buggie to...

(Drum roll)

Smackle!

(Applause, whistling)

Oh.

This should be the happiest moment of my life,

except these girls of middling intellect are interrupting it.

Oh, us? We're Canada.

We're his greatest allies.

He sits right next to us...

And we'll never take him for granted again.

Both: o Canada

We stand on guard

For thee!

O Canada

We stand... nah.

(Laughs) Good night, everybody!

Good Morton, John Quintaneros.

It is me, Siley Cashews.

What a leak it has been, right, yama?

- Somebody has some sage trite. - (Laughing)

Any day, flanken may have lost his boogies, but curtainly won far tarts.

Unbelievable.

I think they're prefect.

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