Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com

Maya: The following is a campaign commercial brought to you by the...

Riley: Imagine your education in a magical kingdom

and unicorns roam the halls.

Say goodbye to too much studying.

Say goodbye to meddling teachers.

But, Riley, I'm your fa...

A vote for me is a vote to live happily ever after.

I am princess Riley Matthews and I approveth this messageth.

The campaign of Riley Matthews is not responsible

for anyone who thinks a horse is a unicorn.

No, we're not.

(Pop music playing)

I've been waiting

for a day

like this to come

struck like lightning

my heart's beating like a drum

on the edge of something wonderful

face to face with changes

what's it all about?

Life is crazy

but I know I can work it out

'cause I got you

to live it with me

I feel all right, I'm gonna take on the world

light up the stars, I've got some pages to turn

I'm singing "go-o-o"

oh oh oh oh

take on the world

take on the world

take on the world, take on the world

take on the world, take on the world.

Democracy. (Typewriter clicking)

Our form of government where the power lies with the people.

So who here can tell me another form of government

where the power doesn't lie with the people?

- Farkle! - Thank you, sir.

Dictators. Love 'em.

They get to do whatever they want.

I wanna be one someday.

Mr. Friar!

Sorry for being late, sir. My flight was delayed.

You went back to Texas again this weekend?

- Visited my friends. - He misses his old friends.

Aww. Cowboy's got the blues.

(Twangy) campfire for one

My friends are all cows

And I miss 'em

- Ha-hur, ha-hur-hur...

- (Harmonica music playing)

Ha-hur...

I will never get to you, will I?

No, but I sure do appreciate the effort.

(Angrily) Ooh!

Okay, guys, seventh grade student council elections are coming up.

- (Kids groan) - Yay. (Chuckles)

Why that?

Because every year somebody runs,

makes promises and nobody does anything.

Yeah. What lunkhead's running the elections this year?

How ya doing?

Can't you just make a change?

You know what? It's up to you guys to make changes.

Since we're studying alternate forms of governments this year,

why not let the candidates run in any form of government they choose?

- (Kids groan) - Yay.

So any nominations?

I, Farkle, nominate I, Farkle, for dictator.

(Chuckles) You can't nominate yourself, Farkle.

- I'll nominate him. - Really?

Yeah. I like ya. I got your back.

I thought you had my back.

I got his back.

Whoa, easy there, harmonica.

Who are you? Where did you come from?

- He's the rebel. - Well, what am I?

Oh, you're the good guy. You're our moral compass.

Wow. That sounds hard to pull off.

Yeah, but you're really good at it.

- Thanks. - See?

He's right, Friar. Represent democracy.

I don't know, Mr. Matthews.

If democracy worked, maybe I'd have gotten a vote on where I get to live.

I nominate Lucas Friar for president.

Okay. Second?

No, honey, you nominated him.

You can't second the nominati...

All right, fine.

What are you doing? He's your competition.

- I'm not running for anything. - Yes, you are.

I got plans for you.

- Yeah. - You know what?

It'd be an honor to run for president.

Thank you, Riley.

My pleasure, buddy. (Chuckles)

I don't know how it happens.

I'm nominating you for something.

This is your chance to be the voice of strong-willed, confident women everywhere.

I wanna be a princess.

- Listen to me... - No! You listen to me.

I'm 12 years old. The window is closing on my princess dream.

And I ain't winning any pageants until I grow into these limbs.

(Sighs) Princess is all I have.

- Get it for me. - As you wish, m'lady.

Yay.

Hey, dad, campaign question.

Impartial! As your teacher, I must refrain from showing any favoritism.

But as your father, whaddya got?

I got serious Riley.

Loser! What else you got?

Smiley Riley!

Love her! See you at the victory party.

- (Whispering) Quiet! - (Yelps)

Auggie will not go to sleep. I don't know what's wrong.

I have an idea.

Mommy.

When mommy read the book the first time, she said...

(Sweetly) "If you give a mouse a cookie, he'll ask for a glass of milk."

But then, five times later, she was like...

(Angrily) "Eat your stinking cookie, mouse! Eat it!"

(Normal voice) And now I'm awake.

Corey, look, I know tonight is my night, but could you please put him to bed?

Topanga, I gotta grade papers.

I gotta be at court at 8:00 A.M.

To stop a nursing home from being torn down.

I gotta have breakfast with mother Teresa and Gandhi,

and we are going to play racquetball.

And she's really good.

I'm awake.

Hey, Aug, guess what. You know what?

The Phillies are playing the mets on TV.

- Uh, don't you think it's a little late? - (Crowd cheering on TV)

Topanga, it's the ninth inning.

There's like five minutes left.

Hey, you have failed. How could I do worse?

- I'll tell you... - Ferp!

Ninth inning. What could happen?

The mets nothing, and the Phillies nothing.

Put on a pot of coffee, folks,

we could be here all night.

- (Chuckles) - Both: Oh yeah!

26 innings?

We're men.

Men watch the whole game, or we're not men. Right, Aug?

- (Gasps) - Look, honey, you got what you wanted!

- He's sleeping. - Oh.

Honey, I want him sleeping at night, and now he's not gonna sleep again tonight.

Why won't he sleep at night? Tell me.

You I'm leaving there.

And that's how you get outta that.

Everybody deserves the right to vote.

Because if that right is taken away you know what you get?

I am Farkle! And these are the dictatorettes.

They are part of the new Farkle nation.

How would you like to be part of the new Farkle nation?!

Kids: Meh.

Nobody's buying, Farkle. Nobody wants you for dictator.

I was afraid something like this would happen.

But genius that I am, I have a plan.

(Brooklyn accent) I got an Uncle Morty in the t-shirt business.

(Normal voice) Who will become part of Farkle nation for a free t-shirt?!

Kids: Yeah!

Dictatorettes, give the peoples what they want.

(Cheering)

Uh-oh.

Instead of learning on books, we should learn on tablets.

The whole world will be at our fingertips.

Instead of reading about Spain, we hit a button and we go there!

Ole!

- What you doing? - I'm addressing the issues.

Nobody cares about the issues, Riles.

They only care about who's having the most fun.

- Farkle nation! - Kids: Farkle nation!

Holy moley. I got me an army.

He's got him an army.

I need me a kingdom.

I'm not princess enough yet, am I?

- No, honey, you're not. - Farkle nation!

(Kids chanting) Farkle nation, Farkle nation,

Farkle nation, Farkle nation,

Farkle nation, Farkle nation...

What do I need to be princess enough?

You need a unicorn.

- You'll get that for me? - Yeah.

I know a guy.

What horse?

I was up again with Auggie last night.

I'm very tired. Cory, we need bread.

I wanted you to have my princess hat

from when I rallied against gender stereotypes.

I was going to light it on fire, but...

It's too pretty.

Good luck to you.

Bye, honey.

(Typewriter clicking)

Riley on TV: A vote for me is a vote

to live happily ever after.

I am princess Riley Matthews and I approveth this messageth.

The campaign of Riley Matthews

is not responsible for anyone

who thinks a horse is a unicorn.

Well, America's always held a special place in its heart for princesses.

Perhaps Riley will be the first one ever voted in.

Not after everyone sees Farkle's commercial.

Play it, sheephead.

"Sheephead"?

- T-shirt? - Ooh! Free stuff.

(Dramatic music playing)

Good evening, Farkle nation.

It is I, your benevolent dictator.

As you can see, I am kind to all the creatures of Farkle nation.

Our animal friends need room to roam free, but my opponent Riley Matthews

feels the proper place for a horse of her New York apartment bedroom.

(Nickers)

You told me you were just gonna take a picture of the horse.

I want to win.

Farkle, don't even talk to me.

Riley, I...

Okay, this campaign just got dirty.

Yay. (Inhales sharply)

Team princess needs to strike back hard.

Fine.

The truth is... that horse had a dream.

All that horse ever wanted was to be a unicorn, and I made that dream come true.

That horse loves me!

- (Applause) - Whoo!

It is amazing what people will believe.

He spies on us, he'll spy on all of you!

I bet there's cameras on all of you right now.

What you have to decide is if you want to live

in a magical kingdom or a police state.

Hey, cut it out! Friends don't attack each other.

No going after Farkle.

Okay, moral compass, I promise we won't go after Farkle.

Good. Thank you.

(School bell rings)

- We're going after Lucas. - Why?

Farkle's nothing without his army.

- Lucas is the competition now. - I'm not attacking Lucas.

- You don't have to do anything. - No.

Riley, this is your last chance to be a princess.

Everybody's got something they're hiding.

Even Lucas. I'm gonna find out what it is.

Maya, if you do...

- Yeah? - ...Don't tell me.

"Once there was a tree...

And she loved a little boy.

And every day the boy would come,

and he would ga... he would ga..."

What's this word, mommy?

What's this word, mommy?

Mommy. Mommy.

Mommy.

(Gasps)

- Daddy, try this! - Oh, Auggie!

She doesn't like that.

Trust me. So you know what?

Why don't we gather all these little pillows here...

"Gather," that's the word!

Oh! What happened?

I dreamt I was vulnerable and unprotected

and somebody was throwing pillows at me.

(Chuckles) Let me tell you why this is funny.

I can't do it, Cory. I can't get him to go to bed.

I give him to you, you give him to me.

Well, honey, you know what? We're two working parents.

I know, but we always arrange it so that one of us is with him.

(Sighs) What are we missing here?

Look, honey, he's real close.

You put him to bed. I give you this victory.

Topanga?

Honey?

(Mouths)

"And the boy would gather her leaves and play king of the forest."

He's squeaky clean.

I haven't found one thing to attack this guy on.

Nobody at school has a bad thing to say about him.

Good.

Our only hope is finding something personal.

- Hey, huckleberry. - Hi, Lucas.

Excuse me. I'm dealing with something personal.

Hello.

I don't understand why I can't go back this weekend, sir.

No, I'm not trying to argue, but this isn't my home.

Texas is my home.

But, dad, you told me I'd be able to see

my friends on weekends if I wanted and I want to see my friends.

Yes, I have friends here.

Right now we're all trying to destroy each other.

I'm sorry too, sir, but I was the one who didn't want

to come to this school in the first place.

I have to go now.

(Clears throat)

I suppose you guys will be using that against me.

- I would never. - Quiet, princess.

What, that you don't want to be in our class?

How could that hurt you, running for president of our class?

Don't worry. It's only her word against yours.

Unless I have some kind of, like, electronic listening device and...

Oh, look at that! Boopity beep boop bop bing!

Riley on phone: I'm sorry too, sir, but I was the one who

didn't want to come to this school in the first place.

Lucas.

Maya, get rid of it.

Riley, we got him.

You want to be a princess? We got him.

I know exactly what we're gonna do.

So do I.

And now the moment you've been waiting for.

Dictatorship versus monarchy versus democracy.

Which form of government have you chosen?

The winner and new leader

of the seventh grade of John Quincy Adams middle school is...

- (Door opens) - Maya: Hold on!

Not now, Maya.

It has to be right now, dad.

We have one more very important campaign commercial that everybody needs to see.

Girls, we've already seen the campaign commercials.

The votes are in. This isn't gonna change anything.

Yes, it will. This isn't about the votes.

It's about Lucas.

Did you know about this, Mr. Friar?

- Is this okay with you? - Yeah, I know about it.

If this is the kind of friends they want to be...

It's okay with me.

Yeah, this is the kind of friends we want to be.

(Birds chirping)

Hey, my name's Asher Garcia.

I've known Lucas Friar just about all my life.

I'm here to endorse him for your seventh-grade president.

I'm Dylan Orlando.

How you doing, bud? Looks like you made some new friends.

They thought it was important we recorded this for you.

Is there really a... Farkle?

And, Lucas, after Riley and Maya went out of their way to find us,

and we got to know them a little, I think we can endorse them too.

Yeah, I approve that message.

I second that.

I don't wanna be dictator anymore.

Dictators don't have any friends.

Thank you for the video. That...

Wasn't what I expected to see.

No more going home for the weekends?

I am home.

Hey, Mr. Matthews, I'd like to name Farkle my vice president.

(Chuckles) You're kidding.

You mean if something terrible happened to you, I'd be president?

Mm-hmm.

I accept.

Maya...

I'd like you to be my secretary of state.

I'm nobody's secretary, ranger Rick.

- Hey, Hart. - What?

Secretary of state is the president's ambassador to the world.

It also means he's trying to get you out of the country.

Wait a minute. What about me?

You? What about you?

What am I to you?

What are you to me?

(Whistles sharply)

(Theme music playing)

To me...

You're a princess.

Look at us.

(Nickers)

If you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to ask for a glass of milk.

If you give a mouse his mommy, he's going to want his daddy too.

What?

- Hey, guys. - Cory, come here.

What's up?

- Watch this? - (Door shuts)

Auggie, we are two working parents.

I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.

Sometimes daddy can be here to tuck you in, and sometimes I can.

But we always arrange it so that one of us is with you.

I don't go to sleep because I want both of you to tuck me in.

Oh.

One of us isn't good enough, huh?

Good night, princess.

Good night, princess.

(Typewriter clicks)

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