Original subtitles

Oh, my G...

What is tha... ah.

Who would have done this?

MERV: I am taking over

as director of this department.

We won't be doing an investigation.

The wire passed through here.

I'm also getting a very strong sense

of grain.

They're telling me, "Isabelle"

I know who bugged our office.

DAVEY: And I thought saying something like that would prove

that I'm not a racist. Or a sexist.

But my kid's principal got all offended, so what do I know?

Oh, I know who bugged the office.

What?

Yeah, yeah, last night, I pieced it all together.

(QUIETLY): Okay, well-well, who was it?

So the psychic said "wheat" and "Isabelle."

- Right? Okay. - Mm-hmm.

So I see a field of wheat on a bag of chips.

Those chips were made by S.A. Belle Foods.

- S.A. Belle. - (WHISPERING): Isabelle.

Isabelle. That's right.

And then I realized that that new vending machine

we've had for a few months, it was dropped off by S...

- S.A. Belle Foods. - Yes, and

it was delivered by three dudes.

- So what? - Three guys

for a one-guy-and-a-hand-truck job?

Suspicious.

I cannot believe that you waited 12 hours to tell me this.

This is the kind of thing you-you wake me up

in the middle of the night with.

You could just be happy he's telling you now.

"When" is not the headline here.

Next time, maybe,

- you should tell her sooner. - Oh, yeah.

I shouldn't have waited.

In fact, I was gonna call you this morning,

but then I got another call.

It was my high school orchestra asking for money.

They got invited to play in Prague.

- No way. - Mm-hmm.

And then I went to the gym, and...

Anyway, sorry.

Why would Belle Foods bug us?

LEROY: We figured out who owns the company.

Kenneth Lanier.

Yeah, I don't know who that is.

The same dude who funded

the Audience Award runner-up documentary

at last year's Nevada Film Festival, They Came from Space.

Which was nearly unwatchable.

It had, like, three endings.

Okay. This could be our guy.

LEROY: Yeah. Okay, so we go to Merv...

No. No. No, we don't go to Merv.

- No Merv? - No Merv.

We simply cannot trust Merv.

Okay? He could be part of this whole thing.

MAX: Well, yeah, but...

- I mean, he's... - No. No.

Not Merv.

Never Merv. Okay?

Do not trust Merv.

Trust me.

Trust Ava.

Ava. Ava. Ava.

Got it?

What are you guys talking about?

synced and corrected by susinz *www.addic7ed.com*

ANNIE: "What was long a rumor has now been verified:

"the U.S. government has spent tens of millions a year

"for over six decades on a 'black money' program

researching ESP, aliens and ghosts."

MAX: All right, when you read it out loud like that,

it really does sound like a dumb thing to spend money on.

Like, even I'm angry at our government.

They're gonna slash our budget.

Oh. Well, this is really bad.

They outed our building.

There's a map.

And an arrow.

And a picture of the place,

and I don't think they needed that arrow.

Well, we are about to become a giant magnet for lunatics.

(SIGHS)

Was it you?

What?

No. Is that why I'm here?

Look, one of those bozos did talk to The Times.

And I want you to find out which bozo

went flapping his big stupid painted clown face.

Me?

- Narc on my coworkers? - Yeah.

Look, Washington wants to find out

if the leak came from inside this bureau.

And it's my job to do that investigation.

But not do it.

That, I'm giving to you.

I'd love to, but you know who would kill at this?

- Who? - Sasha.

I don't know if you know this, but all she does all day

is make microwave popcorn.

Constantly with the popping... pop, pop, pop, pop.

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop,

- pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop... - But hey-hey...

Unfortunately I-I-I...

I don't know anyone else I can trust here.

Okay? I mean, you're my right hand.

I'm left-handed, so, sorry.

I don't care.

I just need you to handle all of that unpleasant

and super boring stuff

that my-my real hands don't want to handle.

- Merv. - You have 48 hours.

But, you know,

if you finish early or you need a couple extra days,

doesn't matter.

Oh, no.

You were right, Annie.

Not even 24 hours, and here come the freaks.

MAX: Oh, yeah?

Those are my parents.

- GLORIA: Oh, look at this. - Oh, yeah.

So, anyway, that's when Bernard said,

you were in The New York Times.

Field agent for a secret government agency.

It's fun. It's exciting, uh, it's exciting work.

Yeah, well, uh, we had to come see.

- Mm-hmm. - (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Yeah, I wish you had told me

that, uh, that you were coming.

The thing is, is that just because it was in the paper,

doesn't mean it's open to the public.

- What? We're not the public. - What?

- No... - We're your family.

No, no, no, no, I know. It's just that there's, like,

sensitive information all around.

So...

Well, w-we drove such a long way.

Can we?

MAX: Hey, everyone,

- I'd like you to meet my parents. - Oh.

This is, uh, very important. This is my partner.

Uh, let's call him L.

For Leroy. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too, Elroy.

Well, that's quite a handshake you have there.

Uh, do you, uh, ever play ball, Elroy?

I don't, but I do have one of those squeezy things in my car.

Ooh, uh, okay,

so here is A,

and, uh, and-and-and B.

- Oh... - Say hello.

- Okay, um... - Oh.

- Very nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

Now, what a pleasure to meet you.

Come in for a cuddle. Come on.

- Oh! - There you are. Oh.

Oh, gosh, he sounds just like Pierce Brosnan.

Excuse me, um...

Did someone schedule an execution for today

and forget to have me authorize it?

MAX: No, no, no, no.

Uh, Boss, who shall remain nameless

as to protect his identity, these are my parents.

This is Herman Jennifer and Gloria Stevens-Jennifer.

- This is Boss. - HERMAN: Hi.

Max, take-take the blindfolds off.

Really? All right.

Well, I guess we're...

- gonna take these off, then. - Oh, good.

Now, if you end up getting executed, don't blame me.

- Oh, my. Oh, my goodness. - Oh, I'm joking, I'm joking, guys.

- GLORIA: Of course you are. - HERMAN: Hey, Max, um...

is there someplace we could go, a little more private,

that we could talk?

(QUIETLY): Are you still listening to us, you bastard?

I hope so.

Because now I'm watching you.

And I'm going to find you,

and you are going to tell me the truth,

even if I have to bite it out of you.

Hey, um...

how do you think this leak got out?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, the whole place was bugged.

True that.

That's a good point.

Yeah.

You never got approached by anyone, like...

(EXHALES) ...to...

Um, why are you asking me like that?

Are you questioning me?

Look, Merv...

okay, wants me to find out

if the leak came from inside.

And you refused...

Yes, of course.

Kind of.

But then he went full Merv on me.

- Oh... - Full.

God, yeah. Full Merv.

- Thank you. Yes. - (LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Hey, everyone... - (LEROY YELPS)

Leroy's conducting an investigation

and would like to secretly interrogate you

without your consent or knowledge.

- [ALL] What? - LEROY: No.

- No. No. It's not like that. - BARRY: Oh, my God.

I'm simply asking, not investigating,

if anyone had any contact with, say, a reporter from The Times?

What is he talking about?

All right? If the answer's no, just say no.

- Is this statement on the record? - What record?

Would you write down our answers?

Eventually I will write something down.

I'm not gonna sing my report.

How could you be such a traitor?

Traitor? No, no, not a traitor.

Everybody just relax. I didn't want this job.

Uh, that's what Hitler said.

Look, I'm not a history expert,

but I don't think that's what Hitler said.

I think he made it very clear he did want the job.

He said it in parades,

on the radio, in beer halls...

Look, I just want to know

if anybody talked to the press. That's it.

Wow.

Okay, uh... maybe one-on-one chitchats

would be better for people?

Yeah, you got that right, Mussolini.

Who taught you about World War Two?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

BIRD: Oh, no.

How many parents does Max have?

- HERMAN: It looks very... - GLORIA: Is it a spider

or a stereo unit?

HERMAN: I don't know, looks important.

- Or maybe a car or... - No.

- ...a kitchen? - There you go, guys.

- Oh. Oh, thank you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, we got a bunch of those in the kitchen, yeah.

- Yeah, it's not a big deal. - Great.

So? Cool place, right?

- Pretty cool. - Yeah?

You should be here when... when we're working on a case.

It's chaos. I... it's-it's...

Yeah, well, um... (CLEARS THROAT)

- (CHUCKLES) - Let me ask you,

uh, where do you think all of this is, uh, leading?

Yeah, sure. I like to think of it like the future...

- GLORIA: Mm-hmm. - Oh.

...being more investigations, more discoveries, right?

Just expanding our-our general understanding,

if that makes sense?

Yeah, well, well, I...

I was thinking more professionally.

- Uh-huh. - I mean...

where does a job like this take you?

- Sure. - GLORIA: Yeah, you know, like,

is this, like, a stepping stone

to something that's really prestigious, like, um... NASA?

- Amazon. - GLORIA: Oh, boy.

- MAX: Right. - Uh-huh.

I mean, first of all,

NASA is not as prestigious as you think,

and Amazon, it's just... it has nothing to do with science.

Well, computers.

- Yeah, but just to order stuff. - Look, um,

we're not trying to tell you what to do,

we just want to understand.

I mean, you...

- you graduated top in your class. - GLORIA: Mm-hmm.

Oh, and you represented Peru in the Model U.N.

Oh, yeah, you know, during

a very difficult time with the country.

Yeah, they were having economic problems.

- Yeah. - I solved it.

And then working for a wire hanger company...

we said, okay, uh,

you know, one day he could, uh... become manager.

But now that you find out that I'm working

at the frontier of science, you have issues?

I mean, how much longer do you think the government's

going to pay you to go around chasing ghosts and robots?

We don't chase robots.

Honey, don't get defensive.

We just don't want you to wake up

when you're 40

and realize that you have devoted your entire life

to what turns out to be a big waste of time.

I'm 42.

Well...

- Bird, got a minute? - Yeah...

Just tell me you did not talk to The New York Times.

But what if I did?

Still tell me you didn't.

I feel very safe talking to you.

Like I can tell you anything.

Do you want me to tell you

about the worst thing that I've ever done?

I beg you not to.

It's a long story, so just relax.

- Uh, I was raised by my grandparents... - Bird...

Neither one of them believed in monogamy.

Oh, no.

Oh, they got enough people to turn over a car now.

(SNORES)

Merv. Uh, hi.

I, uh, wanted to see you.

Ava.

Um, sorry I haven't responded

to your multiple requests,

but I thought you would just figure out

that I wasn't going to get back to you.

Look, Merv, I know that we're in the middle

- of a difficult moment here... - Yes.

...but I would like to take some personal time.

I think that's a great idea.

You do?

Yeah. I mean...

you know, you've been through a lot lately.

So I think, you know, taking a few days or maybe...

hell, a few weeks... that would be good for you.

Good for me? Uh...

what does that mean?

Well, because.

I mean, you do mean...

that you're-you're gonna check into, you know, a...

a mental health garden spa facility type thing?

- Right? - A mental health facility?

What?

Oh, all right.

Honestly, just... just go wherever

and-and tap on my window when you get back.

Okay?

Wow. There are... there are a few more of 'em.

Okay. Just don't make any eye contact,

head straight for the Saab, you should be fine.

Okay, Max. Um, can we say something?

Your brother Daniel...

Oh, here we go, okay.

It is not shameful to ask for help.

Benjamin Franklin had help.

Are you talking about slaves?

Max, don't dredge up the past.

You guys, listen.

I don't want to work for

Daniel's energy bar delivery service.

- Oh... - He has a very

successful company.

And I don't see what would hurt

if you called.

Mom, I have my brother's phone number.

This is the direct line.

- Thank you. - GLORIA: Thank you.

Did you laminate this?

Spills happen.

HERMAN: Call your brother.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Hi. Hi. Hi.

You go.

Everybody hates me

because of this investigation.

Annie's leading the charge, and I don't know why.

- You go. - My parents think

I'm wasting my life and want me to go work for my brother,

delivering energy bars.

- You. - Somebody found an old pic of me

dressed as an alien on Halloween,

posted it to Facebook, got 214 likes.

- (GROANS) - You.

Just my parents.

That's enough.

Yeah.

Why do you have it in for me?

I don't have a secret reason.

It's because what I've been saying.

I think maybe you wanted the job.

Why would I want this awful job?

'Cause you like being in charge.

(SCOFFS QUIETLY)

I spent six years doing whatever Ava asked.

Working 14-hour days.

Hell, I'm the one that helped her get her house ready to sell

after her divorce.

There were buckets of cigarette butts.

She had spray-painted stuff on the walls.

When you walked on the carpet, you could hear the squish

- of spilled wine. - Good God.

And that all added up to nothing.

Ava's out, Merv's in,

nothing I did counts,

and suddenly you're the mayor of Merv's butt cheeks.

I don't like that.

But even with all that,

if Ava had asked...

I would have said no to this job.

Everyone here works hard.

They don't deserve to be treated like criminals.

Merv should be thanking them.

Agreed.

I'm just gonna put you down as saying

- you did not leak. - Oh, my God.

(MUTTERING)

Oh, bro, you gotta come visit.

You can even see the, uh, ocean from the side balcony.

Really? Wow, that's... terrific.

You know, I bet your beach house is a wonderful place

for you to live with your secret second family.

Jenna and Melinda have both agreed to our arrangement.

We're all happy on this end, so I don't know

what kind of stick you got up your tush.

I have no kind of stick up my tush.

No, honestly, what kind of stick do you have up your tush?

There's no kind of stick up my tush.

There is no judgment.

It's just blech.

- Well, they both like you, so... - Anyway,

I can't believe Mom and Dad.

It's like they can't even see I have a career.

Yeah, I know, I know, it's terrible that Mom and Dad

would care about you. Look, man,

I'll start you out at $130K.

- I'm sorry? - (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, right? No, I was gonna... I was gonna offer you 65,

but Dad said to sweeten the pot.

He said, uh, you're his favorite son.

I'm kidding.

He told me I'm his favorite son.

Wow. That is so flattering.

Um, I don't... I guess I'm still just gonna have to pass, though.

I don't know how.

My report on the leak.

CONCLUSION: inconclusive.

- Case closed. - Really?

Can't be a part of sending one of my coworkers to prison.

No one would go to prison for this.

Isn't that what they do when someone tells

- classified information to the media? - (CHUCKLES)

This department has never been classified.

Did you think it was?

Uh, things are pretty secret.

Yeah, secret like crapping your pants on the bus.

No. They're embarrassed.

Hey, ghosts and aliens?

It's like a middle school haunted house.

Sheesh.

Uh-oh.

(GROANS)

Oh, boy. It's a real Kookapalooza out there.

This is humiliating.

We could stay and order takeout.

Anybody else craving Scottish food?

We want the truth! We want the truth!

We want the truth!

Oh, boy.

This is gonna hurt.

We've just got to barrel through, tight formation.

Again, if we order now,

we could be eating Cullen skink in half an hour.

If you need to, hold on to my belt.

Oh, God.

Your belt?

We sure about this?

We want the truth! We want the truth!

That's them. They're coming out!

(CHANTING STOPS)

WOMAN: All right!

- Yeah! - Way to go!

(WHOOPING)

MAN: Keep fighting the fight!

? ?

Thank you for protecting us.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)

(CHANTING): Bureau Underground! Bureau Underground!

Dr. Jennifer! Could you...?

- Bureau Underground! - Oh.

Bureau Underground!

("I NEED NEVER GET OLD" BY NATHANIEL RATELIFF PLAYING)

? I needed to try ?

? Needed to fall ?

? I needed your love, I'm burning away ?

? I need never get old. ?

LAFREY: Hello, Mr. Lanier.

- Uh, excuse me. - Yeah?

Would you mind sending that gentleman over there a martini?

This martini here?

No, not-not that one. No, no.

- Oh. - Just another one. Another martini.

Excuse me, sir.

? ?

LAFREY (CHUCKLING): Okay.

Get out of the way. Get out of the way.

This drink, madam...

is from the gentleman over there.

- Mm. - Enjoy.

Um...

Well, we have another drink here

- from the gentleman. - Oh.

All right. Oh.

Well, send him one over from me.

Actually, we've already done last call, so...

What are you, shy or something?

What?

- Shy. - No.

Great.

? Just found my heart's best friend ?

Hmm, so...

? I never felt so free ?

What would you do if you could do anything?

Hmm.

Build a car...

big enough that my horse could sit with me

in the front seat.

Ah.

You know what I would do?

Hmm?

? I'd like to say... ?

(MUFFLED SHOUTING, GRUNTING)

? I'd like to say this ?

? Before our last kiss ?

You just got DuFray'd, sucker.

(SNIFFS)

? We had a beautiful time ?

? We had a beautiful time. ?

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