Original subtitles

? ?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

For my next trick, I'm going to need

a member of the audience.

If, uh, we have any... Uh, yes, ma'am.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING IN CAR)

Also, I think the sleight of hand stuff

doesn't play well in an audience like that.

That's... That's an intimate trick.

Well, I've seen other magicians pull it off.

- Have you? - Yeah.

And I enjoy doing it, so...

That's... That's all that matters, right there.

Also, it's just not that remarkable

because you have the time to search the deck for the card.

Now, if the card was already on top...

Okay, how would the card be on top?

Like, how-how would you even do that?

- I don't know. - You don't know?

- No. - Okay.

I don't... I'm not a magician.

Yeah, well, that's a harder trick.

Well, maybe practice that one. I'd be into that.

The cape was an interesting choice.

synced and corrected by susinz *www.addic7ed.com*

So, do we have any idea how they got access?

Yeah, and why'd they use hard wire?

Seems a little old school... good for home recording,

but bad for government bugging.

DAVEY: I don't want to jump on a bandwagon here,

but can we blame the Russians for this?

They do cheat in skating.

Mm-hmm. Smarty-pants spies.

Ha, it's, uh, smart pants.

LINDA: Smarty-pants.

No, it's, uh, smart pants.

I'm wearing some. They're prewired

to connect my phone to my socks.

They count my steps.

- LINDA: Oh, my God. - LAFREY: Okay, look.

Whoever bugged our office was smart enough

to use analog technology to evade our scanners.

MAX: What about the taco place? I mean,

that was the base of their operation.

Should we look there?

LEROY: The key to this is the tacos.

Find the tacos, find the bad guys.

- Eat the tacos, job well done. - LAFREY: I agree.

Leroy and Max, do a deep dive on this one.

Chain of title, who's behind it.

Bird, Barry, Annie, find prints,

tire tracks, physical evidenc.

Ken, Davey, I want you to go through our own

surveillance footage and see if there are any

disruptions in the system, anomalies.

Looks like the whole team is here.

That's good.

I'm Merv. Merv Minette.

And I'm Dr. Barry Shaw.

- Hi. (COUGHS) - Merv Minette.

Excuse me, who are you?

Oh, have you not met?

This is Merv Minette. Ava LaFrey.

Acting Assistant Deputy Director.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know that

we were having visitors today.

Visitors? You telling me you didn't know I was coming?

Well, unbelievable.

Um, just give me a couple seconds to finish up here.

MERV: Of course.

Let's see, I want someone to review

the entry logs

from the past 12 months.

Probably not necessary.

LAFREY: Well, it-it could yield something.

Hmm. Best not to bother.

Well, if we don't look through the entry logs,

then we have to go through thousands of hours

of footage, so...

Well, maybe watch none of it, then.

Perhaps we should have that chat now. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, everybody, let's just break this here.

You all have your team assignments.

Uh, but, uh, right now just maybe

put a pin in whatever you're doing.

Oh, my God, what was that?

That's the feeling of having your balls cut off.

MAX: Okay, that is definitely

a person getting fired right there.

Certainly not the body language of somebody being asked to prom.

Oh, well, I have to disagree with you on that one.

MAX: Ugh, I feel for her.

I was fired in front of a packed lecture hall at Stanford,

carried away by security.

I was crying, I was kicking...

vomited, I peed.

The foil on my yogurt came off,

and the-the honey part, like, got in my hair.

It made me look crazy.

That's what made you look crazy?

Yeah.

No, they can't fire her. She's been here forever.

- She wasn't a great boss. - You're just saying that

'cause she didn't let you go to Burning Man.

ANNIE: Oh, oh, here they come. Okay, be cool.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

What'd you guys talk about?

So, um...

So, I am just gonna say this once.

Effective immediately, I am taking over

as director of this department.

Captain LaFrey here will be sta...

Is that French Canadian? LaFrey?

I don't know.

Uh, Ms. LaFrey has elected to stay on

in a different capacity.

No less important, just... (WHISTLES)

Sir, wh-what about the investigation?

Yeah, we've got our teams. We're ready to move.

Uh, we won't be doing an investigation.

ALL: What?

The FBI will handle it.

I mean, they set up protocol,

and I think, you know, why not follow it?

I think that we are in a better position

to handle this than the FBI.

- Annie Carver. - Yeah.

Yeah, I worked under your father for a brief period at DoD.

A good man, your dad.

You know, there's a rumor that recently he...

he-he made Jared Kushner wear a dunce cap,

and he convinced him that it was an executive wizard's hat.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah...

You know, I'm not gonna be cleaning house.

I'm just gonna take a breath,

find out what's working, what isn't working,

and, you know, do a little spot cleaning.

Okay? You know, I have

four more years... to this day, as a matter of fact...

and then I am out.

Uh, what do you mean by four years to the day?

Is today your birthday?

It is. Okay.

MAX: Okay,

why would someone say

they're not going to clean house

unless they were thinking about cleaning house?

Oh, he's cleaning house.

Only question is, are we old newspapers

or a diaper full of boo-boo?

No, I'm not gonna hold for one more second.

Does Director Romslo know that it's me?

Resigned or replaced?

H- Hello?

We all need to be very careful.

I guess we're gonna have to get a birthday cake.

Ooh, for Merv? Lovely. (CHUCKLES)

- Okay, it seems really unearned. - No, I-I agree.

Well, it's not like I want to get one, but how can we not?

Either everyone in the office gets a cake on their birthday,

or no one does... it's not like we can pick and choose

- whose birthday we want to celebrate. - I never got a cake.

Well, you won't tell us when your birthday is.

That's for my protection.

Okay, then just pick a day.

- Just not today. - I pick today.

Mr. Max Jennifer.

That's me.

- Okay. Um... - Yeah.

Majored in astrophysics at MIT.

- Yeah. - PhD Caltech.

Tenured at Stanford.

It's-It's actually a double major.

Astrophysics and cinema studies.

Well, I majored in eliminating

the enemy in Vietnam.

I guess you didn't need that year abroad, then. (CHUCKLES)

Says here in this report

that you have seen an alien space craft.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Is that right? Yeah.

"It made a sound like...

babah wabah gishminga."

Yeah, no, uh, it was actually more like a "buduguesh."

You know? I know this is weird, but you want to think

about saying all of your vowels as if they're consonants,

if that makes sense. "Buduguesh."

(QUIETLY): Shut up, Max.

MAX: Buduguesh. Buduguesh.

- Buduguesh! It... - I think it's horse baloney.

Science is slow and methodical.

Yeah, I... I agree. I'm a scientist.

Which is why I think we should follow the evidence

in this office bugging mystery.

There is no investigation.

Okay. I mean, we do know that the taco stand

is where it started...

But it's been handled, Mr. Jennifer.

It's been handled.

It's like watching a PETA video.

MERV: I don't want to waste taxpayers' money

to fund your fantasies.

You know, not for aliens.

Not for parallel universes.

And certainly not for...

(BABBLING GIBBERISH)

You know, I feel like you're not even trying

to get that sound right.

(EXHALES)

I went to Burning Man, you know.

- BARRY: Inhale. - MERV: Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

- MERV: Get... Get that out of here! - Yeah.

(QUIETLY): Hey. You find anything?

Um, not on the taco place, but check this out.

We find out that this place is bugged...

- Will you guys sign his card? - ...but then the next day...

Ava calls it in to investigate.

The next day she's fired.

That's right. And then Romslo was fired.

Then she's fired, we get a brand-new boss

telling us not to investigate.

Yeah, not to investigate this massive security breach.

Plus he is a total penis and a giant douche.

"XOXO"?

- Did I write XOXO? - Yeah.

Definitely on the high end of friendly.

- Okay, let me do it again. - No. You can't cross it out.

I'm not getting another card.

- Give it to me. - MAX: No.

Stop it.

ANNIE: Uh, usually people sign the inside of a card.

I know, but this way, he takes the card home,

shows it to his wife, sees my name, big and bold.

- Man. - Listen...

MERV: Leroy.

Come on.

Can I have a card, too? I've never gotten one.

I'll get you a card, too.

Thank you.

Hmm.

(SIGHS)

You don't play games, do you?

You just lay it right out there.

I lay it out, spray a little water on it.

Iron it, hang it up.

When it's time, put it on, go to work.

- No games. - (BLOWS AIR) Indeed.

You know, let me ask you a question.

How does a-a decorated LAPD detective

wind up at a secret underground agency,

chasing ghosts and goblins?

Well... (CHUCKLES)

...at least I'm not running it.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Yeah, would you like to?

(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)

LEROY (MUFFLED): No, that's you.

(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)

Yeah, well...

How well do you know these people?

Well, I've only been here for, like, six months,

but everybody seems pretty solid.

Bird is an odd dude, but, you know, L. A.

(WHISTLES, CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I-I just need to know who I can trust.

- You got to know your team. - That's right.

That's what my dad said. He's a cop, too.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

- 30 years. - Ooh.

When I go in, I'm gonna do it like Leroy and not you.

- Well, thank you for coming in. - Yeah.

Good chat.

LEROY: Hey, welcome again.

MERV: I could use that kind of...

that kind of thinking.

LEROY: (CHUCKLES) Right on.

I'll be right up there.

(CHUCKLES) I'll be right here.

- (LAUGHING): Okay. - All right.

- Take it easy. - Yeah, you, too.

Hey, Sleepy.

So... Merv.

- Yep. - He's the worst, right?

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Got him laughing. That was a good move.

Strategic.

And that handshake.

Man, that was, like, from the end of a movie or something,

a movie about handshaking.

Max, we had different meetings.

I don't know, maybe it was time of day.

People like me. I have a quality. I can't shut it off.

I shut mine off.

And by the way, that quality of yours doesn't work on me.

Don't be like that.

Uh, all right. Sorry.

Oh, uh, here. Check this out.

Found the end of the line on those shell corporations.

One of them has a P. O. box.

- That's not far from here. - I feel like whoever's box that is,

they must know something about who bugged this office,

so maybe we stake it out tonight.

He was pretty damn clear.

That investigation is over.

Well, yeah, of course.

He... he's wrong.

Maybe, but he's the boss.

The boss gets to be wrong.

The boss sets the agenda. The boss fires people.

Come on, he's just a tired, old bureaucrat.

He's not gonna actually fire...

BOB: No, you go to hell! All right?

17 years here!

I don't believe these people.

Well, I guess that's it, everyone.

Know what? Nice knowing you.

I'm Bob, by the way.

Not Rob, Bob.

Those look like stakeout PB and Js.

Yeah. Maybe.

Or maybe I just need to carb up before ice skating.

LEROY: Don't do this, Max.

It's stupid.

Is that what Merv said or...

You know, you're just making this easier for me, actually.

- Thanks for the help. - Good. Good. I'm glad to help.

Actually making it even more fun.

- Well, well, good. - And I love making PB and Js,

- but this is making it extra special. - Mm-hmm, glad to make it fun.

- You hungry? - Mm-mm.

- You hungry? You want some? - Hmm. Not at all.

- You want some? - Nope.

I do. I do. I do.

Disgusting.

ANNIE: Mr. Minette?

Marv.

Marv or Merv?

Merv.

Uh, I just wanted to say,

um, in light of my father...

uh, look, I don't want any sort of special treatment.

I just want to support you in any way that I can

and if that means changing up the staff,

then I understand.

Frankly, I was a little unnerved

that the daughter of such a high-ranking official

was gonna be watching everything I do, so...

Oh.

I thank you for your understanding

and yes, I will take you up on that.

On what?

Your offer to resign. I accept.

Uh...

uh, don't you want to see how it goes first?

No. No, if there's a trial period,

then it becomes a, you know, a personal thing.

Oh. Okay.

Um... well, I'm really happy here.

And I know that my father

is very proud of his baby girl.

In fact, he was even bragging about me at the White House.

So, we'll see how it goes?

Great. Great.

A little gift.

He gave you that?

He likes the overhead better.

You know, I can't even confirm that his badge

is authentic. I can't help but wonder

if I shouldn't detain him pending confirmation.

- Ava. - You know, Davey would help me

- and so would Sasha. - Ava. Ava.

- Well, Sasha wouldn't help me. - Stop, stop. Ava, Ava, Ava.

- What?! - Hey, listen.

You need to grab hold of your brain

and give it a good scrub-a-dub.

You messed up, you got demoted. It happens.

None of that's Merv's fault.

Now take your cleaned-up brain

and write a new chapter for yourself.

ANNIE: ? Happy birthday ?

ALL: ? To you ?

? Happy birthday to you ?

? Happy birthday, dear Merv ?

? Happy birthday to you. ?

(WHOOPING)

- Yeah. - (WHOOPS)

MERV: Thank you. Thanks. Um...

Well, that was completely unnecessary...

uh, completely and wildly unnecessary.

MAN: Yeah!

So, Minette. Is that French for "minute"?

You know, like,

(IN FRENCH ACCENT): "You wait one minette."

You know? Like...

We haven't had your meeting yet, have we?

Not yet, no.

Hey. Hey, mama bear.

(WHISTLES)

Take it. Go on.

Settling in okay?

Yeah, Barry. I'm all settled in.

Well, thank you, Sasha.

Thanks, Bird. Everybody.

Max, that's-that's very nice.

A little personal, but... W-where is Max?

- Phone call. - Dialysis.

? Happy birthday ?

ALL: ? To you ?

? Happy birthday to you ?

? Happy birthday, dear Bird... ?

- Oh, my God. - ? Happy... ?

- MERV: This place is unbelievable. - LEROY: Mm-hmm.

You know, it's like the basement of a bouncy castle.

LEROY: Any info from the FBI?

- Hmm? - The taco stand. The bugging.

Well, I don't think we're gonna hear much about that.

But they are on it, right?

Nobody wants to deal with who's been spying on you. Okay?

I mean, it doesn't matter if it's North Korea or Elmer Fudd.

I mean, any answer is just a headache.

You know...

I think Bird's cake is better than mine.

Ugh. You know Linda, my lab partner?

Yeah, I know who Linda is.

I hate her.

She picks on me.

She takes my things.

She makes terrible fun of my accent.

People don't know. They don't see.

Well, you know, you could ask for her to be transferred.

Ugh. You don't get it.

- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) - Wh...

- Hey. - LEROY (OVER PHONE): Hey.

You, uh, want to hang out?

Um, not really, man.

Not really? Even though you're in your red shirt?

Your red shirt that you like to look around in,

back and forth.

You look like the lumberjack from the paper towels.

- Aw. - (CHUCKLES): Oh.

- Is that your card? - No.

- It's so weird. - Nope. Nope.

This is not your card?

That's not my card.

- Are you messing with me right now? - I'm not.

Think you got to go back to the drawing board, homes.

- Oh, wait a second. - What?

It's in your sun visor.

If that card is up there,

I swear to God, I'm gonna scream.

- (SCREAMS) - (LAUGHS)

- That's a good one, man. - Yeah.

- Good job. - Yeah.

- How did you do this? - I've been practicing.

- Wow. Okay, you got me. - Thank you.

- You got me. - I'm glad.

Hey.

Is that the right box?

MAX: Yeah, that's our guy.

- Hey. Excuse me? - (GUNSHOT)

- Whoa! Oh! - What the hell?

(GUNSHOTS)

(YELLS)

Drone!

(YELLS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

- The sniper's gone. - What?

Dude!

(SHIVERS) What do you say?

Should we call it? Doesn't look like they're turning up.

(SHIVERS)

Boys?

Boys? I'm-I'm so tired.

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