Original subtitles

MAX: I literally wrote the book on the multiverse.

Should I sign it? I mean, he's clearly a fan, and...

Can't bring food in the building.

This is a scare face. (GASPS)

Everything's a joke for you. Tell me what happened

- with you and the LAPD! - I got my partner killed!

Oh, my God, that's my wife.

- Were you abducted? - Do not look for me.

synced and corrected by susinz *www.addic7ed.com*

(LEROY LAUGHS)

? I was battle-torn and worn... ?

Board flip.

? By scores of arrows... ?

Oh, you did another one, huh?

Yup. Got to say, I'm a little jealous of Cagney.

Not Lacey, 'cause she's got those kids to deal with.

But Cagney, she's all cop, man.

- Pulls her gun out at least twice a week. - Leroy, listen.

The Schwarzschild radius is

the size that a given object with a given mass...

Okay.

Yeah, I got a question.

What happened to all the paranormal crap?

We used to have, like, a monster a week.

Now it's nothing for three months? Nothing!

You know what, Max? You got to stop with this board.

- What are you doing? What are you doing? - Needs to come down.

- That board needs to come down. - Leroy, I am close.

- You're too close. - I... Well...

She left you a hundred years ago.

All right, you got to move on.

I have moved on.

I have moved on.

And that's why the board's coming down.

LAFREY: All right, circle up, all.

- Meeting time. - Mm, no, no.

LEROY: This ain't over.

So, new business.

- Ah, finally. - Yes!

- Bring it. - Awesome. All right.

Going out in the field, baby.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It was a... it was a question.

Is there any new business?

(LEROY SIGHS)

Well, your voice didn't go up at the end,

indicating a question, so...

Well, it was still a question.

You can't do this to us.

BARRY: Speakers of the Spanish persuasion

put an upside-down question mark at the beginning

of every question. It's very clear.

LINDA: Yeah, but that's a written thing.

How could anyone do that verbally?

- So no one has anything? - LAFREY: All right, look, guys,

I know that things have been slow lately,

and that is hard on all of us.

Okay? Maybe especially me,

because I recently had to move my mother

into an assisted living facility,

and, let's face it, work was a welcome distraction.

But she just can't be on her own anymore.

She thinks she's on the Titanic.

Not the, uh... not the ship, but, uh, in the movie Titanic.

She, um, keeps asking to talk to the director.

So...

Hey, you know what I was thinking?

How about we get some color in here? You know what I mean?

Like, new drapes, carpet, something to just

bring it up, bring the whole thing up.

BARRY: Remember that girl I was telling you about?

She notices me, hands me the book.

So, in the space of ten minutes,

I get a free latte... bang... and a free book. Bang.

- Yeah? - KEN: That is great.

Yeah, there's a full stop at the end of that story,

'cause that's all you need to know... free latte.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (BALL SQUEAKS)

KEN: Yeah, I would love to.

BARRY: This afternoon?

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES) - (BALL SQUEAKS)

ANNIE: Yeah, a good movie, I'm in.

Don't look at me like that.

I'm just a little disappointed.

You used to be a badass.

I still am.

You're a desk cop... in a cartoon agency.

Oh, yeah?

(SHOUTING)

MAX: Leroy!

Just...

I'd like to offer my apologies.

I'd like to think I wasn't gonna throw this bottle

through that window, but, either way,

it's not representative of who I am.

Put that bottle down.

- Yeah. - Yeah? Okay?

- You good? - Yeah.

All right. Let's get out of here.

You all right?

Yeah. (INHALES)

- All right. - Ooh...

(CHATTER IN SPANISH)

I'm jealous of those taco guys.

They come to work, they know exactly what they're doing...

making delicious tacos.

It's hot back there.

Those guys are on their feet all day.

I don't really want to do it.

You seek purpose.

That's my point.

I ever tell you my grand philosophy?

- You might have, I don't know. - All right.

We're only on this Earth for a short time.

And we're on other Earths for a longer time

in other universes, so,

as long as the other me's are out there snowboarding

and getting chicks, it takes the pressure off me.

- I'm not so into that. - Well, it works for me.

- It doesn't. - No, I said it does.

We're in prison.

- You can't see that? - Oh, come...

Ours has no windows,

it's 50 feet underground.

Everyone down there is losing their minds.

You can't see it?

What did we do wrong?

What did we do... so wrong?

I can't go down there.

- You're not going back to work? - Mm-mm.

- I'll miss you. - No, you won't.

- You miss me on the weekend? - A little.

- That's off, Max. - All right.

Wh-What do I tell 'em?

Tell 'em anything.

I'll tell 'em you're up here.

You happy?

Automatic.

Hey, what's down here?

Fake office or something.

(DOOR CREAKS)

? ?

Someone's at the perimeter.

- You open? - Is who open?

You.

Where is it? There, I see.

Now, here it is. Wait for it.

Boom.

I'm Sam Dougald.

I'm with, uh, West Whistle Distribution.

- Oh. - And, uh, man, today is my lucky day.

- You're feeling lucky, huh? - Well, I am if you're open.

LEROY (ON MONITOR): You're just driving around,

- looking for hangers to buy? - Excellent question.

Uh, I was just, uh, getting a taco, and I saw your sign.

LEROY: Where do you normally fill your hanger needs?

Well, I got a couple places in China.

In fact, I had three containers coming in last week.

The ship got taken by pirates.

Seems like a lot of work

for a bunch of hangers, but, I mean,

I guess there's other stuff on the ship besides that, huh?

- Hmm. - Anyway,

it puts me about a week late on an order for my best client.

Ooh. Okay.

All right, I'll tell you what. Why don't you come on in here

- and let me see what I can do for you. - Okeydokey, spiffy.

- Is that protocol? - Mm.

He's continuing the evaluation.

- It's a cautious move. - MAX: No.

He's gonna sell him some hangers.

We're a family business.

My father made wire hangers, and...

and his father was an apprentice of a wire hanger maker.

- Oh. - That's really how it all started.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah, it was their dream for me to...

go to college.

You know, I-I went to, uh, Whittier College.

Mm.

- So did Richard Nixon. - Richard Nixon.

Fun fact, Richard Nixon used wire hangers on his suits.

Very unusual.

(LAUGHS): Yeah, I was gonna say.

- You use wood hangers for that. - (LAUGHING): Right?

Oh, man.

I like you, Sam. I like the way you walk.

You-you have a pleasant way about you.

Oh, all right. Ha-ha! Yeah.

- I want to be in business with you. - Okay.

Can I see a bulk pricing breakdown?

Ah, not so fast.

We here at Mid-Valley Hangers

are not just in the hanger business.

Okay?

We're in the...

"keep your clothes up here,

not on the floor" business.

They... they sound the same.

Mostly... well, actually, entirely with hangers.

If I had my druthers,

I'd, uh, use nothing but rubber-dipped wood hangers,

(LAUGHS): but, you know, I'm no Rockefeller.

- LEROY: Yeah. - So...

Anyway, can I see some samples?

You mean, like, some different...?

Yeah, if I could just see what, you know, I'd be ordering.

Say that.

- I'll be right back. - Mm. Thank you.

Mm, yeah. Go, go, go, go.

Whoa. Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.

(GRUNTING)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Thank you, Barry.

Max, you seeing this?

- What are you doing, man? - I'm reeling in

a live one, baby!

It makes no sense! Come join me!

Ken, not your chair, Ken.

- You didn't call fives. - Not your chair.

- Move. Move. Move. - You didn't call fives!

Hey.

Mind if I...

tape this up to the side of your desk here?

No.

Hey, does it feel like a prison down here to you?

If what you're saying is...

I should bring the cat to work,

that would make it worse. I hate him.

Every day I accidentally leave the door open,

but that cat won't leave.

(GROANS) God...

? ?

(PANTING LOUDLY)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

? ?

Oh, my G...

So, this is our best seller, and this is our worst seller.

Would you say at this point you're leaning

towards our best or worst seller?

Well, what about that wooden hanger?

You know, on-on the sign, it just says "Wire Hangers."

Between you and me... we do dabble in wood.

Well, I mean, I guess you have to in today's climate, right? Adapt or die.

You got a good business head on your shoulders.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Also, can I see a-a price sheet

- on the wooden hangers? - No.

No. You don't get it.

- I truly don't. - MAX: Hey, what's up, Leroy?

- How's it going? - What's up?

I'm good.

Right on. That's cool.

Hey, I have some great news... we're having

- a one-day-only sale. - Mm.

All gloves and capes 50% off.

Here's some... info on that.

Hey. I'm Max. I'm Leroy's business partner.

- How are you? - Oh. Partner?

Uh, I thought this was a family business.

Yeah, we're brothers.

Yep. (CHUCKLES)

You want to check out that note from Dad?

- Oh. Yes, yes, yes. Um... - About our sale policies and stuff.

Is Dad serious about this sale?

Yeah.

- Who knows about this? - Nobody.

I didn't want word of the sale to get out.

Smart.

Well, okay. But why would you have a sale

that you don't want anybody to know about?

MAX: Yeah, I mean,

it's 50% off, so you lose a bunch of money.

- It's a big sale. - Yeah, but then just don't have

- the sale then. - Well, you haven't met Dad.

(LAUGHS): You do not know our dad.

- Guess not. - MAX: No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Leroy, you want to come down,

- take a look at the sale? - Yeah, yeah.

How do you look at a sale, though?

LEROY: Hey, Michelle.

- What is tha... ah. - Shh.

Oh.

Well, that is a banana, Barry.

Haven't you ever seen a banana before?

No, I've not seen a banana before.

I've seen pictures of them. Thank you for showing me one.

Well, there's no need to be ashamed of...

about not seeing common foods.

- I've seen a peach. - BARRY: Yeah.

Apples.

LAFREY: Apples are America's favorite fruit, I think.

I don't like kiwi.

Oh, my... What?

- Whoa. - Shh. No.

The weather is very bright and fresh.

I tend not to notice the weather.

BARRY: You would notice a tornado.

They are loud and they don't care.

KEN: I have never seen...

a tornado.

BARRY: If you saw a tornado,

you'd know not to joke around about them.

Listen, guys, I want to tell you why I'm taking

this tornado thing so seriously.

I used to live in a trailer park,

and, you know, the tornado came...

and it wiped the whole thing away.

Barry, thank you. I think I speak for everyone

when I say you're an inspiration.

Okay.

What... about... monsoons?

Death Valley is the hottest place on Earth.

Don't you think?

- ANNIE: Copy on Death Valley. - BARRY: But within its heat

is an intense beauty.

Sam? Hi. Annie.

This is Barry.

- Hello. - Leroy's been detained.

Oh, uh... I'm sorry. I hope everything's all right.

- Mm. - Would you like a glass of water?

Oh, no, thank you.

Your-your fingers are in it.

Oh, rude. Brought it all this way.

- How far, exactly? - Two miles.

- Oh. (STAMMERS) - Go on. Yeah.

I guess I'll just take this and-and

maybe keep it in case I need it later.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Too late. You missed your chance.

(BARRY CHUCKLES)

Mm-hmm.

Would you like to see a picture of my dog?

Oh, it's very cute. What's its name?

- He has no name. - You didn't name your dog?

- I don't like dogs. - Okay.

Are we expecting Leroy anytime soon?

LAFREY: Mom, you don't know James Cameron.

Okay, well, even if there were,

you wouldn't be invited to that party anyway

because you are not a first-class passenger.

No, you would be downstairs with Leo.

No, Mom, you... no, you don't need the dress.

Because you weren't cast as a first-class passenger.

You're more like an extra.

(CHUCKLES)

I will pass this along.

- You finish up here. - Mm-hmm.

Good news, Sam.

I can sell you however many hangers you like...

(SPUTTERS) at whatever price you choose.

What's your price, Sam?

BARRY: Mm.

Well, there's one.

If you could just sign here and here.

- Pen. - Yeah.

It is a, uh, pleasure doing business with you.

- My God. - Uh-huh.

MAX: Up there. Up there.

Look at that.

(QUIETLY): Okay.

Do you think they're closed?

LEROY: They're never closed.

? ?

(DOOR CREAKS)

(SIZZLING)

- (WHISPERS): Open the door. - Okay.

MAX: So, who would want to bug us?

Not here. We don't know if it's safe to talk.

There's a safe house in Carson.

Oh, well, this time of day,

southbound traffic would be awful.

I mean, coming back would be okay.

LEROY: If those bugs were there long enough,

they'll know about the safe houses.

What about the steam room at my racket club?

ANNIE: We're not the ones wearing the wires.

We don't need to be in towels.

The racquetball court?

Too hard to get in those little doors.

Okay, but, at some point, I'd love

to have you all at the club. It's beautiful.

LAFREY: Okay, look, let's just huddle up close,

and maybe we can talk right here.

- Okay, come on. Everybody in. - Okay.

Let's start with the essential question...

- who would have done this? - BIRD: I know who did it.

It's the Scientologists.

The aliens who are in cahoots with the Scientologists...

Okay, Bird, would you mind getting the binoculars

and seeing if there are any raccoons around?

Okay, I know you're being dismissive,

and I know that you know

that I have a strong interest in raccoons,

but why not look?

Okay, any other theories?

Well, maybe it's not a conspiracy at all.

It's just the taco guys being curious.

Okay, yeah. Davey, why don't you go grab

a bunch of burgers for everybody, okay?

- On it. Cheese? - No.

- Cheese? - Yeah.

- Cheese? - Stop it.

All right, look, guys,

a team is coming to sweep the office.

Until then, remain cautious.

Let's stay on the trail while it's hot.

Let's not miss a thing.

- All right. Okay. - Okay?

(SCANNER CLICKING)

? You know I'm bad at communication ?

? It's the hardest thing for me to do... ?

Hey.

That was a good catch, finding that wire.

You stayed with it.

Ah, I was lucky.

No, no, no, no...

it was very lucky.

I'm just saying, it's good to be back, Mulder.

I don't know the show.

? But I just couldn't take it ?

? I tried hard not to fake it ?

? But I fumbled it when it came down to the wire ?

? It felt right, oh, it felt... ?

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