Original subtitles

I'm not going anywhere without finding this ghost.

Chaz, you're out of your mind, and I love it.

My mind was lost a long time ago.

Oh, my God!

- (SCREAMS) - Be gone!

My K-2 meter is extremely active.

We are definitely experiencing some spectral activity.

- Uh, you think? - It's the ghost of old Nurse Stevens.

Nurse Stevens, can you hear us?

We come in the name of love and peace.

Oh! Oh!

That wheelchair's rolling by on its own.

That is a scientific impossibility.

This is not normal.

No. It feels... paranormal.

- (CREAKING) - (BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH) No. No. No. No.

These are the Ghost Studz.

As you can see, there's very little substance

- to their "findings." - Ghost Studz?

I mean, these clowns give real paranormal investigators

like me and Leroy a bad name.

- More like Ghost Dudz. - (LAUGHS)

Good one? All right, cool.

(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

- No, thanks. - Cool.

Mmm. You can actually see the fan that they used

to blow out the lantern. Like, the fan is in the shot.

Fake-ass, clown-ass, Hollywood rubbish.

LEROY: Yeah, but these Hollywood dudes

got it made in the shade.

My cop buddy Josh was a consultant

on Mysteries of Laura... perks for days.

Hung out with the actors, free food, and when it was all over,

everybody got a jacket. Everybody.

Yeah, but we're the real thing. We don't need perks.

Au contraire, mon fr�re.

We do need the perks, and I will start with these chairs.

I'm tired of sitting all low like a baby child.

These idiots on their fake show seem to have stumbled

upon a real paranormal phenomena when they began filming

at Highguard Mental Hospital.

Wait, that's that place that was doing,

like, crazy experiments on people back in the '80s.

Exactly.

- Ugh. - Oy.

This could be a very, very dangerous place.

Uh... yeah.

I need Max and Leroy to go undercover

and make sure that no harm comes

to these stupid, stupid people.

MAX: You know what?

I think this is a call for the real ghost studs.

Me and Leroy.

- Oh. Okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we're the new, we're the new ones.

(CLEARS THROAT) Does that make sense?

synced and corrected by susinz *www.addic7ed.com*

MAX: I've never been on the set of a TV show before.

Leroy, why are you pressed up against the steering wheel?

Oh, funny story, Max.

Remember that haunted treadmill we couldn't fit in the trunk?

- Yeah. - Well, when we moved the seats up,

mine got stuck like this.

(LAUGHS) Oh, that's great.

I swear, man, sometimes this job straight up sucks.

Even the LAPD was more glamorous.

We were knee-deep in perks. You know why?

'Cause we weren't a secret organization.

Okay, well... maybe it's not the most glamorous job in the world,

but we're helping people.

You know, a good deed is its own reward...

Free pizza is its own reward.

And I used to get it every time I wore my cop uniform

in a pizzeria, any pizzeria.

Name a pizzeria.

Domino's?

(SIGHS) Except for Domino's.

CHAZ: Tonight on Ghost Studz,

we're gonna brave the spooks and ghouls

of this tweaked out abandoned mental hospital.

JARED: It's our second and final night in the hospital

that's been shut down since the 1980s.

Oh, man, I love the '80s.

Remember Baby Jessica?

(BABY VOICE): Help, I'm in a well.

Ah! (LAUGHS)

- Oh, dude, she was hot. - Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, like, well, you know,

when she became Woman Jessica, she got hot.

LEROY: Boom.

Sorry. Sorry, guys.

We're gonna be using a sweet EVP recorder

and a laser grid.

(VOCALIZING)

And some adult diapers, just in case Jared gets scared and destroys

- another pair of his Lee's. - One time.

All that tonight on #GhostStudz.

Cut. Great, I think we got it.

Nice work, big guy.

Ponytail, you almost blew my shot.

That's strike one.

Okay, out of... three, I'm assuming?

Hey, Jared.

Ah, man, that was a kicking shot before.

It was an honor to boom it.

Hey, anyway, I was just wondering

if I could pick your brain about, like,

crazy stuff you've seen around here, like spooky stuff?

Wait a minute, I know you.

Mm... No, I-I don't think so.

You didn't have the stupid ponytail, but...

Professor Jennifer?

Oh. No, no, no, no.

Dude, you were totally my freaking science teacher

- in college. - Jared Soloman.

- (LAUGHING): Yeah. Yes. - Jared Soloman.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. Whoa.

Oh, dude, this is so sad.

Wow, you are, like, a total loser now.

Yeah, no, I mean, I heard you went, like,

psycho when your wife left you,

but you have hit rock bottom.

- This is your rock bottom, right? - Uh, this is... no.

I mean, you're a microphone holder?

I'm sorry, I-I did not recognize you.

Y-Y-You seem like, uh...

- Dope. Yeah, no. - Well... (STAMMERS)

I got rid of the glasses. I grew my hair out.

- I lost 200 pounds. - Okay.

Oh. - That's probably why you don't recognize me.

- Sure, yeah. - Yeah, but then I stopped

with all that stupid school stuff, and...

But you were such a gifted student.

Y-You had this, like, bright future ahead of you.

- I'm on TV now, so... - Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, totally.

- I know. That's way better. - Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, what about your socks? You got to pay for your socks.

Dude, I'm telling you, everything I wear,

I get for free, down to my modal boxer briefs.

- Modal. - It's this new fabric.

It's three times softer than cotton.

- Damn, three times? - Yeah.

My drawers feel like construction paper.

- JARED: Chaz, check it out. - What's up?

This freaking dorkus was my college teacher.

Professor, but...

Yeah, but then he had a brain melt

- because his wife dumped him. - Well, she was abducted.

(LAUGHING): Oh, my God, that's hilarious,

because, like, now, you're his boss.

- Oh, man, America rules. - Whoa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Ultra tight. - It is tight.

Hey, listen, I was just talking to J-dog about, like,

any creepy stuff that maybe happened around here?

Oh, yeah, for sure, 100%.

- Um, we had some stage five clingers. - Clingers.

Yeah, they were actually right where you guys are standing.

CHAZ: Mm-hmm.

- Oh, they're talking about us. - Yeah. I get that.

CHAZ: Hey, they're talking about us

talking about them.

Yeah, I get that. I was being him.

CHAZ: I get that.

I was being you being them.

Did you see homeboy's ponytail?

- Oh, my God, dude. - Ooh, ooh, ooh.

- You're him. - (BOTH LAUGH)

CHAZ: Now I'm him.

Come on, we got to follow these buttfaces.

Hey, have you heard from the guys yet?

No, nothing.

You know, Leroy's right about this chair.

It sucks.

I'm gonna tell Deirdre I need a new chair.

Deirdre? No, no, no, no, no, no.

- I would not do that. - Why? She's an accountant.

- Her job is to buy us stuff. - No, she is not just an accountant.

Look, I heard one time that she caught Darren

trying to take home a club soda, she made him eat the can.

We deserve perks.

At my cousin's office, they have a tropical fish tank,

and on your birthday, you get to eat one of the fish.

- That's a perk? - Yes.

He chose this beautifully mature pufferfish.

That's a meal you don't forget in a hurry.

Well, if you mess with Deirdre, she will eat you.

Bon app�tit, baby.

- Oh, Dr. Barry. Hello there. - Dee Dee, baby...

- Oh, it's Deirdre. - Mm-hmm.

How's the old, uh, number crunching coming, Deirdre?

It's going great, actually. Uh, I just got a new spreadsheet

- program that allows... - Great. Anyways, I'm going to need

a new office chair because my back is a-howling.

And I'm thinking about the Airback Luxury Exec Model.

It's about $900, but it's worth every penny.

And I want it in black, matte black.

I just want it done, and I want it delivered today.

Well, I don't know if I'll be able to do it today,

but I will do my best.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I, um, make it sound like a request?

Of course.

I'll get you your chair right away.

Thank you.

(WHOOPING, LAUGHING)

- I'm a mental patient. - Yeah. Now do me.

No way. It's still my turn, man. We said turns are two minutes.

No, I was timing it and it's been two minutes.

- Now do me! - Dude.

(WHISPERS): Do you think maybe we did too many 'shrooms?

- No. - Me neither. Okay, cool.

- For a second, I was like, "Whoa..." - Dude, excuse me.

Don't you roll away from me. It's my turn.

- I'm not doing anything. - Chaz?

What the hell, man?

Um... Uh...

Wha... Uh...

Oh!

That was sick.

- What happened? - I don't know. That was crazy.

- Dude, the wheelchair's stuck. - What?

Oh, man. I think we might be experiencing

a real paranormal event.

We got to investigate it.

We are the Ghost Studz.

- Let's do this. - Yeah.

(SCREAMING)

? ?

I'm so disappointed in Jared. I mean,

he was a really good student.

Now he's just such a dick.

How do they know each of these packs of almonds

are exactly 100 calories?

They don't know.

They can't know.

(SCREAMING ON HEADPHONES)

Oh, my God, that's them.

Sounds like they're really in trouble.

Should we help them, or...?

BOTH: Uh...

(HIGH-PITCHED): Uh...

Let's mount up.

? ?

(POWERING UP)

I mean, honestly, I feel like this is too much gear.

Yeah, this is ridiculous.

? ?

(POWERING UP)

Much more comfortable.

- Oh, totally. - Let's go.

LEROY: Did you see how many types

of gum they had? Seven.

Plus, they give out Turkish coffee at lunchtime.

Dude, you are so obsessed with the free stuff.

What's with the free stuff?

It's not about free stuff. It's about respect.

When I was a mall cop, I dreamed about having a job

I could take pride in again.

Yeah, and now you have it, Leroy.

But I don't get treated like it because nobody knows what I do.

I know what you do, buddy.

(STATIC)

Oh, Max, Leroy, do you hear that?

- What? Where? - Who?

CHAZ: What the hell is happening?

- What the hell is that? - It's their voices.

- Where they coming from? - JARED: Make it stop.

It's the guys.

CHAZ: Whoa, that dude has no face.

It's like they're here in the hallway with us.

Annie, where are we headed?

Head south into the next hall, and then go straight.

MAX: Copy that.

(WHISPERING): Max.

(LOUD CLANK)

The refrigerator just took my chain.

(HISSING)

(REFRIGERATOR HUMMING)

(GASPS)

Whoa. What is this thing?

BARRY: I'm not sure, but at a guess,

- I'd say a portal. - A portal?

- Definitely a portal. - A portal portal?

Yes, a portal portal.

Man, that's full nuts,

like the phone booth on Doctor Who.

Yeah.

- Wait a second, you watch Doctor Who? - I saw one on accident.

I was flipping through the channels.

Okay, now is not the time,

but we are going to talk about this.

Now, look, we have to test this out. Um...

You stick your hand in there. I'll hold on to you.

- I'm not sticking my hand in there. - Why not?

I don't know what's over there. What if it's, like,

- monsters or devils? - You think there's a devil

- in that refrigerator? - I don't know

- what's over there. - Okay, why don't you stick your arm

- in there and find out? - I don't know, it might be.

- You find out. - Well... absolutely.

- I'll go first. - Yeah, enjoy.

Don't care. Here we go.

Not a, uh... not a big deal.

(WHOOSHES)

Whoa.

What's it feel like?

Well... it's cold.

It's a refrigerator.

It's kind of... tingly.

(SHOUTS) Oh, something touched it.

- What was it? - Uh...

A devil?

Smells weird.

You sure that's not what your hand always smells like?

You know what, I have no idea. That's a really good point.

Do you know what your hand smells like?

- Cocoa butter. - Right.

ANNIE: What's our plan here, guys?

I mean, think about it, you could enter a new dimension.

Or your body could get shredded up

and turned into a mushy soup.

Although, that means that we will likely lose

all visual and audio

communication once you go in.

All right, look, we are supposed to look after the Ghost Studz,

and I am willing to bet they went in there.

What do you think we should do?

We could go back to our nice,

- normal lives... - Right.

...or we could jump in that strange, stupid hole

and maybe get turned into a mushy soup.

I think we both know the answer to this.

Absolutely.

Aw, man, you chose mushy soup?

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

- (HIGH-PITCHED RINGING) - Aah!

My ears are popping.

- Your ears popping? - What?

- Are your ears popping? - No, I ate, like, an hour ago.

Damn it, I left my gum.

I'm just trying to wrap my head around this, Leroy.

I mean, we actually transgressed

the very fabric of space and time.

We crossed into another dimension,

and it just looks like we're on the set

of a Nine Inch Nails video.

It's freezing in here. Let's find those chuckleheads

- before the portal closes. - Okay, okay.

Listen, it's gonna be fine.

I'm sure they're around here somewhere.

Let's go through there.

(PANTING)

Oh, yeah. This is gonna be fine.

What... it's not my fault the other dimension is infinite.

Come on, let's find them.

Are you cold?

- Yes. - I am so cold.

Chet?

Chaz? Chet... what is it?

- Is it Chet? - It's Chaz. Chaz.

- Chaz! - I don't know.

Come on, man, we got to get out of here.

I don't want to get stuck in this dimension.

MAX: Bed with blood.

Lamp.

Visqueen.

Upturned bed.

My ears still haven't popped all the way.

More Visqueen. Wheelchair.

Are you playing a game I'm not aware of?

If so, I need the rules and the basic system of scoring.

And I'll dunk all over your ass.

No. I'm taking a mental inventory

of everything we see on our route,

so we can find our way back.

- Oh, that's smart. - CHAZ: Yo!

Is that you, crew dudes?

Go. Go.

Weird dresser with weird head.

Okay.

CHAZ: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Are you guys, like, following us?

(LAUGHS) They're, like, obsessed with us.

Yeah, dude, you guys are total groupies.

No, we got to get the hell out of here.

Yeah, that portal is gonna close up.

JARED: No. No, no, no, no, no.

I am so cold.

Yeah, I got, like, full body chills.

This is a killer, killer trip.

Yeah, you've got a full body chill

because you are freezing to death.

- Huh? - Okay, maybe that, but, like,

wouldn't it be cool if, like, some chicks popped up

or something like that, or...

I don't know, I guess we'll just chill

with these guys in the meantime.

What guys?

(DISTORTED GROWLING)

BOTH: Aah! Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!

Come on, guys, get up, get up!

LAFREY: Where are my Nespresso pods?

My Nespresso pods are gone.

And there is a note on Deirdre's stationery

saying that we are no longer allowed in the main kitchen.

Well, maybe it's good that you cut back on caffeine,

'cause I notice that you startle easy in the afternoons.

- Your Donettes are gone, too. - I will cut someone.

Well, that's just the lack of Donettes talking, isn't it?

Hey, we're out of staples and-and toilet paper, too.

Yeah, and didn't there used to be a lamp here?

- There was a lamp there. - Hi, everybody.

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

Uh, I wanted to let you know that in order to afford

Barry's matte black chair,

which is very expensive,

I had to get creative with the budget in other areas.

The most important thing is that Barry be comfortable.

Right?

Thank you for understanding, everyone.

Very... very kind of you.

MAX: Okay, follow me. I know the way back.

It's gurney on the right, tub on the left,

- then counter on the right... - No, no, no, no.

It's sink on the right, gurney on the left.

Okay, and now we're lost.

- (QUIETLY): What? - I don't know.

- Where's Jared? - Huh?

Where'd he go?

- What? - What?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

CHAZ: No!

- Jared! - I'm so cold! I can't move!

(YELLS) I'm just gonna die here.

No, no, just let me die! Let me die! Oh! Oh!

- Get up, bro. - Relax, relax, relax, relax.

We need warmth. H-Here, here.

Bring it in, four-man hug.

- Come on. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, man.

- (MOANING) - That's better.

Oh, my God, thank you.

You guys are, like, really soft and smooth.

MAX: I think you're just on mushrooms.

Portals, what do we know about portals?

Okay, guys, we have to think, we have to think.

Jared, you were one of my best students, help us out here.

What do we know about portals?

Yeah, heck yeah. Number one student,

and... uh, portals...

Dude, I cheated in your class.

- LEROY: Jared! - Okay, yeah. I did.

I bought all my papers online,

and then I had this nerd just do all my tests for me.

I-I'm actually really... like, really stupid.

- All right, well, bummer. - Mm.

Uh, let's see, they're something like a black hole.

A black hole is magnetic.

Whoa, black holes are magnetic.

Guys, guys. I need a little piece of metal.

- A small piece of metal. Anything. - Okay, yeah.

- Right here, come on. - Uh...

- Here, here! - Yes, yes. Perfect, Leroy.

All right, gentlemen, what we are going to do

is we are going to make a compass.

Due north won't help us, Max.

Very good, Leroy. Due north

will not help us, but if I put

a little charge in this puppy, what are we gonna do?

We're gonna grab that rubbing alcohol right there.

Dude, I'm so bored.

Then, we grab just a dime store cork.

- Put that in there. - JARED: Sick.

- I don't know what's happening. - Me neither.

And with the charge as strong as the portal,

this should point us in the right direction.

Okay, good.

- It's headed that way. - Yes, yes.

Let's go. Let's go!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

LEROY: This way, this way!

So much plastic.

- Uh, go! - Hurry up!

There! Here it is. Come on.

Oh, thank God.

It's frozen over?

Grab something. Hack away at it.

- I'm not dying here. - Okay. Come on.

(GRUNTING)

- LEROY: Keep digging. - (GRUNTING)

- MAX: Hit it harder! - (SCREECHING)

- LEROY: It's breaking! - Oh! Go, go, go, go!

- It's open! - Jared, go!

I'm going first. (SHOUTS)

MAX: Chaz, get in there. Go!

- Max, you go. I got him. - Okay.

See you on the other side. (SHOUTS)

Chaz, what are you doing? Go!

Just a second. I got to get a selfie with this guy.

- He's got, like, no face. - We got to go!

Guys, wait. Wait, help me! Aah!

I'm dying here, please! Save me, I'm dying!

- (SHOUTING) - Help me, I don't want to die!

Oh! I thought you were gonna punch me, you punched him.

- Thank you. - Get in there, ding-dong.

Good-bye, other dimension.

??

(GRUNTING)

- (PANTING) - Come on, come on. - CHAZ: Oh, my God.

Whoa, what a comedown. (LAUGHS)

Hey, man, thanks for being my Eskimo.

JARED: Yeah, dude. And coming up with that cool compass idea?

Oh, well, the compass idea was actually mine, but...

You, and you alone, saved our lives.

How can we repay you?

Ah, man, I don't need payment for doing the right thing.

I'm just glad you boys are all right.

- JARED: Wow. - True hero.

(GRUNTS)

You know what? How about a couple of those jackets

with the name of the show on 'em?

Wow. You really are a fanboy.

Yeah, we'll get you some jackets.

- If it's not a big deal. - KIRSTEN: Hey!

Where were you guys?

Uh, we were in another dimension, and it was awesome.

They ate mushrooms again, didn't they?

- Yes, they did. - Yeah, okay, look.

Everyone back to work. We still have an episode to deliver.

No, Ms. Producer Lady, we quit.

We're going back to our actual jobs that have actual meaning.

Oh, also, you should probably know

that this ponytail is fake.

Okay? So joke's on you.

And you and you.

My man had a phonytail.

That's when ish got cray.

We looked behind us and the portal was shrinking.

CHAZ: And even though the portal was closing,

we knew we couldn't leave our crew behind.

Our camera operator, Larry, and our sound guy, Matt,

went in with us, and we had to make sure they got out with us.

And I'm proud to say

that they're here safely with us today.

- Ghost Studz. - Ghost Studz.

(COUGHING)

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Y-Your guy looks like a male model.

My guy looks like he breeds pigeons.

(LAUGHS) I mean, yeah, you look different,

but they totally nailed your vibe.

My vibe?

He couldn't stop coughing.

- How's your new chair, Dr. Barry? - (GRUNTS)

Hi. Really, really great.

Yeah, so great.

#BestChairEver. Really comfortable.

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