Original subtitles

Wow!

I wonder what train he taking.

Is he going on the tracks?

Oh, man...

You want to use the bathroom,

there's a perfectly nice bathroom upstairs at Starbucks.

Hey, hey!

Hey, you're not supposed to be down here, man. Only subway...

Whoa!

What in the sweet hell?

Exquisite.

Uh, I'm cool, dude. Yeah.

Forget this, man!

Forget this!

Aldridge Mansion? Check.

Seward Street subway station?

Check.

Well done, Rowan.

But still so many more checks to go.

You have been bullied your entire life.

Now you will be the bully.

Trust in your abilities,

and the universe shall bend before your will.

Hey, weirdo. We got a clogged toilet in 1843. It's bad.

I mean, like, biblically bad. Get on it.

Absolutely.

Nothing would make me happier.

Whatever, freak show. Just do it.

And the universe shall bend before your will.

Charge the lines.

Create the vortex.

Break the barrier.

I found a fantastic spot for your business.

It's more of a research lab.

- What do you think? - That's it?

Let's go see your new home.

- Oh, my God! Look at... - Look at it!

- Look at how high! - Look at the amazing spread!

Look at the ceiling to the floor height!

Oh.

Look at this. Look at it.

It's perfect.

- We got tons of space. - Stripper pole!

- Uh, we'll take it. - Great.

- The rent is $21,000 a month. - Fuck you.

- Excuse me? - I'm sorry. That's the rent?

- Yeah. - Who can afford that?

All your friend said was that

you were looking for a place to explore the unknown.

Okay, we need to explore something a lot cheaper.

There's an upstairs!

Are you offended by the smell of Chinese food?

I have now moved above you, and you still can't help me out.

How does it take you an hour to go up one flight of stairs?

I have really bad knees.

You know what?

What is that?

It's our hot and sour shrimp soup.

That looks like dishwater and one shrimp, and I think it's...

I hope that's a water chestnut.

When it feels like

The world is on your shoulders

And all of the madness

Has got you going crazy

Oh, we're dancing? Okay.

Let's be safe, though.

Where all of the action

Is right there at your feet, well

Holtz. Holtz. Holtzmann!

Fire!

Over towards the fire.

Thank you.

You'll be doing fine once the music starts

I hate to DeBarge in.

- She loves that. - Is that by DeBarge?

I thought it was Devo.

- Anyway, I got the website up. - Oh.

I passed out a bunch of these fliers all over town,

so I'm drumming us up a little business.

"If you see something, say something."

- It's catchy. - It's good.

- Yeah, I'll take it. - I think it might be the anti-terrorism slogan.

Oh, God.

- It is, isn't it? - It is. I'm sorry.

Well, I guess now we know why so many people are calling

about suspicious-looking bags.

Dang it.

- I love the green paper! - Thank you.

Hey. Uh, I'm here about the receptionist job.

- Hi. Hi. - Hi.

Is this a big ol' robot?

What?

The receptionist job that was in the paper. Um, that's what I was here about.

You're hired.

Okay, I... God, you're all sweaty.

I think I got it. "If there's something strange in the..."

Ow.

Oh!

Kevin. Right?

- Kevin. - Yeah.

Abby. We spoke on the phone.

- We did. Yeah. - Hello there.

- Okay. - Kevin. Oh.

That's a manly name.

My name's Erin. With an "E."

For "everything you want."

- Okay. Well, we should probably... - Hmm.

Should probably get started.

Erin? Do you want to join us?

- Yes. - Erin.

I've got some questions.

Okay. Here we go.

Let me just get to my notes.

Um... Okay.

All right, first off, I just want to say...

You know, we should probably start with a very important question

that we're asking all of the applicants.

Um, you know, are you seeing anyone right now?

- Um, seeing anyone? - Yeah.

- Just for business purposes. - Business purposes only.

Well, I'm seeing all three of you.

In front of me.

Oh, just forget she even asked, because if she did, that would be illegal, so...

Forgotten.

Good.

No, I've forgotten. I don't know what you asked.

There we go.

Uh, Jillian Holtzmann, Radio Times.

Uh, what have you been doing with your whole life?

Great question.

Oh, well, um, lots of different jobs.

Um, I did the "actor thing."

- Worked for... - I'm just gonna... Just real quick.

Can I ask why no glass?

Oh, uh, yeah. They just kept getting dirty, so I took them out.

- That's... - Don't have to clean them anymore.

- Oh, boy. - And I can just...

- I got to try to keep that in mind. - Yeah.

Would it be okay if I bring Mike Hat to work sometimes?

He has major anxiety problems.

You know what? I would love to let your cat live here with you,

but I have a pretty severe cat allergy.

No, I don't have a cat.

He's a dog. His name is Mike Hat.

Your dog's name is My Cat?

No, Mike Hat.

Your dog's name is Mike, last name Hat?

Well, his full name is Michael Hat.

I can't say that I'm allergic to dogs, so...

It's all right. He lives with my mum.

- Well, then we have that figured out. - Okay. That was...

One down. No cat.

But you know what I say, let's jump ahead, uh...

Kevin dabbles in web design.

And I asked him to throw together

- maybe a couple of logos for us. - Uh-huh.

- You want to see them? - Now is your moment.

- Pull it out. - Oh.

Sure.

You're like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Here we go.

Okay, so...

What do you think of that?

Oh.

Yeah, you do see how this might make us look bad, right?

Uh, is it the boobs you don't like? 'Cause I can make them bigger.

No, I can see them.

Ghost Tits was my nickname in middle school.

Oh, right?

You know what? I think it's not always about the end result.

It's about the journey.

Well, uh, what about this one?

- Oh, uh... - Uh...

I think that's already a thing.

What, 7-1-1?

It's 7-Eleven.

Yep, it is. I have another option, though.

- Okay, please. - It's this one.

That's one of my favorites.

Uh... I think you might've made a mistake. I don't think that one's for us.

Oh, no. No, that's for you.

You know, I just thought the floating hot dog implies that a ghost is holding it.

Your work is more cerebral than I expected.

Still, so many questions about that choice.

First one is, why a hot dog?

Oh, I just like them.

Both food groups, all in one.

Dogs and buns.

- Those are great. - Yeah.

We're actually gonna discuss everything just for a second,

so if you could just stand over there,

- we just need to convene for a moment. - Okay.

- Sure. All right. - Thank you.

Just go right over there.

Don't listen.

I won't.

Oh. He covered his eyes.

Guys, look, as much as I would like to have him here to look at...

- Um... - What?

You don't find him attractive?

Kevin?

Ow!

God, no. Poor guy.

Ow!

- I don't know, guys. I don't know. - Come on, Erin.

We need help around here.

We cannot keep carrying that equipment up here.

And I know the phones aren't ringing off the hook right now, but they will be.

You know, an aquarium is a submarine for fish.

Listen, let's just see how the rest of the day goes.

You know, talk to other people, and we will hire who is most qualified, okay? Deal?

There are no other people. He's the only applicant.

Excellent.

God, that's loud, huh?

- It's loud. - It's loud.

- Kevin. You got the job. - Hmm?

- Welcome aboard. - Cool.

Can I bring my suitcases up?

Yep, you sure can.

Look at him.

Ow!

Oh, uh, ma'am?

Hi, ma'am. If you're waiting for takeout, you should really wait downstairs.

Oh!

This... The magazine was here, so, I don't know,

I just thought that might be your waiting room.

You know, fun fact about this place,

that this building is built in the same place

as the first Chinese gambling den in New York. Did you know that?

I mean, it's, like, coincidence, huh?

Also, um, I got chased by a ghost.

What?

You know, up above us was the old New York prison.

It's the first place in New York that they electrocuted people.

I'm telling you, it used to take so long

that they'd just be like, "Shoot him. We using too much electricity."

That's why I knew something weird was going on down here, man.

Whoa. Did you see that?

- Yes. I saw that. - Did you see that?

- That wasn't me. - I saw that quite a bit.

Wait, wait. Hey! Seriously? For real?

'Ey. Come on, man.

- Didn't I tell you? - Is he down here all the time?

Oh, he think this is his art studio.

No, no. My studio is in SoHo. This is more of a gallery.

Okay, hello there.

Uh, have you seen a Class 4, semi-anchored entity anywhere in the vicinity?

- You talking like a boat? - Can you speak English?

- I'm being specifically clear. - Let me. Let me.

Hi. Have you seen a ghost down here?

- Okay, that's clearer. - Yeah.

- Yeah, I've seen a ghost. - You, too?

Oh, yeah.

Would you be able to describe it to us?

- Thank you. - But...

Ah, come on, man. Come on, man.

No, no, no, no. Let him, let him...

- I'll take a visual. - No! I can't let him.

This is my job. I'm gonna get fired!

- We want the visual! - No, no, this is very helpful.

This is not helpful for me.

'Ey. Look at me. Stop.

- Stop painting. - I'm so sorry.

I don't like this on my wall.

You don't want it here anymore?

- I don't want this ghost on my wall. - No ghost.

- Let me fix this, then. - Well, I...

No ghosts allowed.

- You know what? You know what? - Right?

- Get your ass up out of here. - Come on.

Bye, Patty!

- I love you. - Man!

This ain't art!

And y'all encouraging him.

Come on!

Come on!

Am I on crack, or is that a good logo?

Guys, I cannot do it by myself.

This equipment is untested and highly unstable.

All right, ladies, we got a limited window

for when the next train arrives,

I'm telling you.

And don't touch the third rail

unless y'all little dainty ass can handle 750 volts.

- Oh, come on. - You know what?

I should've gave you some coveralls, man. It's so unsanitary down here.

You know, you don't usually think about the amount of urine smell.

That's pretty much how it's gonna be. It's not gonna freshen up at all.

Oh, boy. Okay.

Definitely got something over here. Look at... Is that...

What is that, a burn?

That's where I saw that weird sparking thing.

What was it?

Baby, if I knew what it was, I wouldn't say "a weird sparking thing."

You're mouthy. I like that.

It looks like fission scorch.

What? Fission scorch down here?

Except that you're right.

What is... Wait, I'm smelling both electrical discharge

- and isotopic decay. - Isotopic decay.

How is that... Holtzmann?

- Yeah. What? - Come here. I need your snoot on this.

Am I nuts?

'Ey, 'ey, ladies.

While y'all over there making out with that dirty piece of garbage,

we only got a couple of minutes.

Do you see that?

- The eyes. - All right, Holtzmann.

- Now is not the time to be messing with... - No.

Oh, cream and sugar.

Hey, Patty, can I get some illumination on this subject?

Yeah, I can put some light on that.

- Oh, boy! - Oh!

That is more and more unsettling.

That's the dude I saw! I'm telling you, that's him!

We got another Class 4,

and this one's even more ionized than the one at the Aldridge Mansion.

Where are these ghosts coming from?

You know what? I got to get this thing on film.

- Holtzmann? - Yup.

- Power us up. - Okay.

'Cause we are taking this pretty boy back to the lab.

This is a little rough. It's in its early stages. Got to be honest.

Just gonna plug these things in here.

- Okay, Erin, come here. - Let me document this.

- Grab it, grab it. - Wait.

That's gonna shoot a proton stream at that ghost, okay?

So whenever I say, "Go," you just do that.

Uh, why am I operating the untested nuclear laser?

- You have the longest arms. - Oh.

You guys might want to hurry up.

Oh, my God. I forgot the most important part.

Yeah. Sorry.

Erin, this is just a little bit of grounding so you don't die immediately.

Do you know your iron level?

Mmm-mmm.

It's fine.

You have done this before, right?

Okay, Erin, on my cue.

Aim the barrel at him.

Ready, aim, fire!

Oh!

Oh, wah-wah.

Okay, this is a little underwhelming. Can we get more power?

And once again, fire!

- This isn't working! - Wow!

Can this beam get any stronger?

Well, not at the moment.

Ah.

That's the train! We got to move!

Just try to lure him back to the platform!

Grab her!

- Come on! - Move, move, move!

Come on, move!

Hurry!

That's the express train!

And it's not stopping!

It's coming! Get her up!

Oh, not the collar!

Well, I guess he going to Queens.

He's gonna be the third scariest thing on that train.

God, did you see that?

Oh, you can't see anything.

My God! I mean, that power surge really held him.

Wow! We need more juice.

We need to be more mobile. I know what to do.

- Yes. - I almost got killed.

Yeah, I know. It was so awesome.

It was awesome.

Everyone thinks this video is fake. Look at these comments.

We have to bring a ghost back to this lab and document it, you guys.

I mean, this stuff is real. We have to be able to prove it.

We will. And you shouldn't be reading this stuff.

You're not supposed to listen to what crazy people write

in the middle of the night online.

Look at... "Bogus equipment"? You know what?

I'd love you to meet me any place, any time.

No, no, no, let's... You're right. We should...

- Here is your coffee, Abby. - Thank you.

Did you get sugar in it this time?

Uh...

I hate coffee.

- Yeah, the sugar's in there. - Sugar's in it.

I'll take it.

Don't want to waste a cup of coffee.

Can we just pretend that didn't happen, please?

All right, well, what do you think?

I... You know what? I just can't watch that.

I'm not sure. I mean, it's just a lot of bits and pieces.

I'm pretty sure none of it is supposed to be in the subway, though.

It's like it was part of a miniature cyclotron.

And they used a chromium alloy for the hull.

I would've used aluminum, but I'm crazy.

What's that weird thing that guy said to the lady from the subway?

Um... Oh, I know what you're talking about.

- Fourth Cataclysm. Yeah. - Oh.

- Hi. - Fourth Cataclysm.

Man, what they gonna do, make a fifth one, starring The Rock?

Oh, yeah, you guys, you have a visitor.

Um, she's here to see you in the booth.

Booth number one. With the earrings.

- Yeah. - Yeah. We see her now.

- Thanks. - No worries.

I'm joining the club.

Um... Well, it's not really a... I'm sorry.

Kevin. Hi, can you answer the phone, please?

- I can't. It's in the fish tank. - Uh, no.

The one on the desk that's ringing. That one.

- Oh, that one. - Yep.

- Oh, my God. - What's this place called again?

Conductors of the Metaphysical Examination. Talk.

Got it. Uh, Conductors of Metamucils and Stuff.

Whee, oh, slow down. I... What...

They hung up?

No, I was just not into that conversation.

Kevin, I'm really gonna need you to try a little harder. Okay, buddy?

Well, if they call back, I will. I got to take off, though.

I'm in a hide-and-seek tournament, and we are in the semis.

Uh, Kevin, I'm gonna need you to pick up all those suitcases.

- Ouch. - Oh!

Eh, did you hurt your face?

Hey, did y'all hire that big dumb dude?

Bye!

Man, I got a cousin Mookie.

He is half as stupid, and he will work for Vienna sausages.

The thing is, this isn't really a club. It's a scientific research group.

And I understand that, but let me tell you something.

I read a lot of nonfiction,

and you guys know a lot about this science stuff,

but I know New York.

And check this out!

I can borrow a car from my uncle,

and y'all won't have to lug all this heavy equipment around.

- Oh, guys, we got to get a car. - Come on, baby.

You need me. You need Patty. Patty come with benefits. You need me.

Stop playing like you don't.

You're in.

Ha!

Oh, yeah.

You get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car!

Uh, you didn't disclose that the vehicle was gonna be a hearse.

I'm sorry. My uncle owns a funeral home, not a Enterprise Rent-A-Car.

Hope you checked to see there wasn't a body in the back.

Uh, I don't think so. I don't really know.

You didn't check?

I mean, I was in a hurry.

I checked to see if we had gas. That was more important.

So there is a body?

Let Holtzmann check. She likes that type of stuff.

Yeah, I can think of seven good uses of a cadaver today.

No, Dr. Frankenstein,

we got to turn in the body if there's one in there.

- All right. - Don't do that.

- Excuse me, maintenance man. - Mrs. Ponner.

How may I help you?

Well, for starters, perhaps you can tell me what in God's name this is?

Mrs. Ponner, this is nothing more than some leakage from our air conditioning.

Well, I think it's touched my skin, and it's given me a rash.

Does it look right?

Mrs. Ponner, I wanted to say no.

But, yes, I'm afraid there is some redness

in here.

- Is it very bad? - No.

Of course not, Mrs. Ponner.

But I assure you, whoever is responsible for this

will be flogged within an inch of their life and then left on the street to die like a pig.

- Well, I didn't ask for that. - Well, in that case, I'll send up some cream.

I know everyone is anxious, but we have to be patient.

Who thought it would be funny to put Earl in that old lady's back?

The guests are starting to complain.

And we don't want to give away any spoilers before the big show.

See you soon.

Very soon.

Based on the results of the subway field test...

The one where you were almost killed, remember?

I remember.

I added a booster using microfabricated radio-frequency quadrupoles

to speed up particles before entering the DLA device,

- portable, wearable for maximum flexibility. - Wow.

Then we add the reversible psychokinetic energy sync

plus Holtzy's hollow beam to this baby, and voilà.

- We got a ghost in there. - Whoo!

- Slap me. - Okay.

I will slap you as...

I just want to say what an exciting moment this is.

Holtzmann, I am beyond impressed.

Abby, is that comfortable?

It's a lot heavier than I expected,

and I'm pretty sure it's compacting my spinal column, but...

- So you're gonna want to plant your feet firm. - Okay.

Bend your knees to compensate for the extra kickback.

All right. Turning the machine on.

Whoo!

Boy, she's got an impressive purr.

Okay, so, that little asshole over there is the target.

Okay.

Just put your thumb on that red trigger button there.

- Yeah. - And go to town.

Okay.

And here we go!

Whoa!

- Oh! - Oh!

I guess she's not bending her knees enough, right?

Whoo!

She's doing a marvelous impression of a deflating balloon.

We just got to let her ride it out until she's out of juice.

She's corkscrewing me!

Abby, I'll make some adjustments.

It's like fighting a gator!

Hello.

Looking forward to this metal show.

Hi.

Ozzy rocks! Whoo!

Yeah!

It's...

He certainly does rock.

This world cannot be cleansed fast enough.

Hi.

Enjoy the show.

Rock and roll.

So, how did the two of you guys meet?

Uh, Abby transferred to my high school, junior year.

Go, Karate Cats.

We started telling ghost stories, and we just kind of bonded right away.

And all the other kids were, you know, getting drunk and going to parties,

and we're like, "Uh, that's stupid."

Plus, we weren't invited to any parties.

Oh, you know what? You know what I thought...

Oh, I'm not gonna tell you. I'm just gonna show you. You'll see.

So, how did y'all get into ghosts? Did one of you see one?

Yeah, I did.

Really?

When I was eight years old, the mean old lady that lived next door died.

And that night, I woke up

and she was standing at the foot of my bed,

just staring at me.

She did that every night for almost a year.

What?

And I told my parents, and they didn't believe me.

Still don't believe me.

I had to go to therapy for years,

and the kids at school found out,

and they would laugh at me and make fun of me,

call me "ghost girl."

Abby was the only person who believed me.

Kids is mean, man. But I believe you.