Original subtitles

So, the Aldridge Mansion is the only 19th century home in New York City

preserved both inside and out.

At the time of its construction,

it was one of the most elegant homes in existence.

Um, interesting fact. This grandfather clock was on the Titanic

and was saved by Sir Aldridge.

A Romanian woman and her child were forced

to leave the lifeboat to make room.

Uh, over here,

you can imagine Sir Aldridge entertaining his wealthy guests.

It's said that, in this very room, P.T. Barnum

first had the idea to enslave elephants.

And if you'll follow me...

Now, I'm gonna tell you something a little spooky.

On the morning of October 25th, 1894, Sir Aldridge awoke, furious,

when his breakfast was not waiting for him.

So he called to his servants, but none of them responded.

Why?

Because, during the night, one by one,

they had each been stabbed to death in their sleep.

It was later discovered

they were murdered by his eldest daughter,

Gertrude Aldridge.

Sir Aldridge once wrote in his diary,

"I know God makes no mistakes,

"but I believe he may have been drunk when he built Gertrude's personality."

Now, to spare the family public humiliation,

instead of turning her in to the police,

they locked her in this basement.

And they fed her...

...through this slot.

Years later, when a new owner moved in,

they dug out her remains.

But, after repeatedly hearing strange sounds,

he sealed it shut.

That's right. No one has opened this door since then.

Okay.

Follow me.

Maybe steer clear of the door.

Sorry, Sir Aldridge. I got to get out of here!

Oh, Garret, you idiot.

No.

No.

No! No! No!

No! No!

No!

Daniel. Teresa.

Dr. Roberts. Robert, hello.

- Erin, sweetheart. Hi. - Hello, Phil.

- Good morning, Jack. - Hi.

- Did you hear the news? - Tell me.

I'm lecturing in the big hall today.

- Darling, that's wonderful. - I know.

- This is what you're wearing? - What?

I have someone I want you to meet.

Phyllis, I would like to introduce Erin Gilbert.

She specializes in theoretical particle physics.

I'm a huge fan.

This is such an honor to meet you.

Phyllis is guest lecturing in Daniels' astrophysics and cosmology.

Wow.

Erin just learned she's being published.

Yes, well, I'm very proud.

I don't allow my lab to submit to journals anymore.

I think journals tamper with the process

and ultimately hurt scientific research.

Yeah. It's like when scientists get caught

up, you know, in those dumb awards.

- You know... - Oh, awards are massively important.

Yes, no, I was saying it'd be dumb not to go after awards,

'cause that's where science really shines.

It's, unfortunately, the only way to draw attention to good science.

- Excellent point. - Mmm-hmm.

All right. I should be going.

Hey, Simon.

Well, I'm going to lecture right now

in the big hall.

It's good that it's big, too, 'cause I've got

a lot of big ideas I'm going to be spreading.

Hey, good luck on your tenure review. Make me proud.

Fingers crossed.

Not that crossing your fingers means anything, 'cause it doesn't.

Oh, I couldn't disagree more.

It's been proven that superstitions can have tremendous performance benefits.

Exactly. I'm wrong about everything.

All right. Well, I'm gonna try to get out

of here without stepping on these cracks.

I don't want my mom calling me, like...

Oh, see, when they change direction, you've got to...

So, you know her?

Oh! Ding dong.

Yeah.

Sean, that is an excellent question.

As you can see from my calculations,

we will soon be able to combine general relativity and quantum theory.

Teaching in the big hall. Big day.

Big hall. Big hall. Big hall!

Big hall!

Sorry to interrupt, but I need to speak to you about something you wrote.

Um...

I'm sorry. Uh, yes. What, um...

What publication?

I'm talking about your book.

Mmm...

Book. Um...

I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my class will be here any minute.

You're Erin Gilbert, right?

Co-author of Ghosts from Our Past:

Both Literally and Figuratively: The Study of the Paranormal?

I think you're looking for a different Erin Gilbert.

One that likes very long titles.

Okay. But this really does look like you.

What? No.

Yeah, that's me.

Look, it was a very long time ago,

and it was just a gag between a couple of friends.

I'm sorry.

A 460-page gag?

The first sentence is, "This is not a joke."

What do you want?

Well, I'm Ed Mulgrave.

I'm the historian at the Aldridge Mansion, and I believe it's haunted.

If you could just come take a look.

I tried the police, but I just sound crazy.

I'm sorry. That book you're holding is utter nonsense.

I don't even know how you got that. I thought I burned both copies.

It's on Amazon. Both hard copy and e-book.

- What? - It's on Books on Tape, too.

Only, I know how to read.

Is it now?

No!

No, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna kill you, Abby.

- Oh. - Erin.

Hi! Oh, Dr. Filmore. Hello, hi.

We're set for the final review of your tenure case on Thursday.

Great.

But I saw that you had a recommendation letter

from Dr. Branum at Princeton.

- Uh... - Their science department

is really not what it used to be.

And I would consider getting a referral from a more prestigious college.

More prestigious than Princeton?

Yes.

Um, hmm.

You see, I think you're an asset to modern physics,

but I would hate to see you throw it down the drain.

No. No, no, no, sir. I won't throw it down the drain.

And I will get on that letter.

Yes. Princeton. More like Prince-tons of dummies go there.

About your clothes...

Yes? Did you...

Uh...

Too sexy for academia?

Never mind.

No, no, no. What is it?

- Never mind! - I don't...

Abby. You promised you wouldn't do this.

"Abigail continues her passion for the study of the paranormal

"at the Kenneth P. Higgins Institute of Science."

Come on, F7!

Are you kidding me?

Hello?

I've been waiting a long time.

Has been a while, hasn't it?

Hope you brought me more than one wonton.

Excuse me? Oh.

Huh.

Well, well, well.

Erin.

Abby.

Bennie.

Yes, I know who you are, Bennie. Can I just...

Can I have my lunch that I've been waiting an hour for?

You know they make smaller headphones now, right?

It's an advance in science.

Thank you for asking.

Probably the future you're looking at.

Here you go.

Why don't you show Miss Gilbert to the door.

Oh, it's just the same door we came in from.

Yeah, I know how to get out. It's figurative.

It's really not that hard.

- No, I'm okay. - Don't.

- I tried. - Poorly.

You put our book online without my permission.

I don't need your permission.

Of course you need my permission. I wrote that book with you.

My name is on it.

No. Absolutely not.

That book is a whole new revenue stream for me.

And I'm, like, one-tenth away from getting a new mini fridge in here.

Look, I am up for tenure right now.

Ooh, "I'm up for tenure."

And if my colleagues at Columbia University google my name,

that is the first thing that comes up.

Along with a ghost emoji now, thank you very much,

- that does a little dance. - You know what?

That book was our baby.

And you abandoned that baby before it even learned to fly!

Okay, well, books can't fly. And neither can babies, so...

You don't know. I'll tell you what.

If I had a human baby that could fly, I

wouldn't be telling the press about it.

If I had a flying baby, I'd zip this, and so would you.

There is no experimental backing for anything in that book.

And it makes me look like a crazy person.

- God! Are you kidding me? - What?

I got one wonton!

I got a tub of soup, and I got one split wonton.

Look at that, just floating there.

I'm sorry you're having a soup crisis right now.

There's not even any meat in there. That's just a carrot.

Abby, please.

- Yes. - Abby!

I got one wonton!

What do I have to do?

I will take my top off for Bennie if it gets me three more wontons.

I swear to God.

You carry a lot of tension in your shoulders.

I'm sorry, hello? Who are you?

Holtzmann. Virgo.

Avid skier. Gluten-full.

And 100% jazzed to meet you.

Don't get too close to her, Holtzmann.

She'll ask you to write a book, and then she'll squash your dreams.

Okay.

Holtzmann works with me here in the lab.

She's a brilliant engineer and very loyal.

She would not abandon you.

I get it.

She also happens to specialize in experimental particle physics.

- Oh. - She was almost hired by CERN.

That's very impressive.

Uh, what happened?

- There was a lab incident. - But he's gonna wake up.

- He woke up yesterday. - Great.

Then he screamed and went back into a coma.

Well, I bet all that screaming tuckered him out.

Um, can we get back to our discussion please?

Oh, gosh, it sounds like a great time, but I'm gonna have to say no

because Holtzmann and I are really busy here

actualizing what we just theorized about in our book.

- Really? - Yeah.

We're incredibly close on the hollow laser for the reverse tractor beam.

Really close.

You're making a reverse tractor beam?

Abby, why don't you let her listen to the EVP.

- What EVP? - No. Not... There's no EVP.

- EVP is electro... - Electro voice phenomenon.

I'm familiar. I know what it means.

And there's never been one substantiated.

Oh, there hasn't? There hasn't been one...

You know what? You come with me.

With a suit on and you get so cocky.

A few months ago, we spent eight nights at the Chelsea Hotel.

We didn't get anything.

Well, we didn't think so.

And then later, in the lab, when we were reviewing these tapes...

- Wow, you really got me. - You know what?

Usually we can't even get people over here.

- But we have never... - She came right over to it.

Never had anybody actually put their face down close to the machine.

It's a cool joke. That was funny. It's disgusting.

Is it more or less disgusting if I tell you it came from the front?

- Oh, you didn't... Oh. - I can do it live if you want.

What's next? You gonna give me a wedgie?

No. I think both of us pretty much feel you have enough stuck up your butt.

Burn!

Okay, you know what, I thought we could have an adult conversation,

but apparently we can't.

Erin, if you don't believe in this stuff anymore,

then why were you looking for the book?

A man came to see me at my work saying his building was haunted.

What building?

The Aldridge Mansion.

It's obviously a joke.

What are you doing?

Uh!

See, this is, this is exactly...

- You want to go find some ghosts? - Yes.

Break!

Ooh!

- Wait, you're going? - I got the pack.

Abby! Please, Abby. The book.

Come on. Let's go!

I'm not going with you guys.

Oh, no. Are you kidding?

You were never invited!

I need you out of the lab, so I can lock the door.

Oh. Well, you said "let's," so...

- Oh, my God. Just pull the... - We're wasting time.

Just close the door behind you, it'll lock!

Abby, wait!

Hey! Taxi!

- Hey! Hey! - Abby.

Abby, come on.

Please, Abby, just take the book down. Please.

All right, all right,

but you have to introduce us to this guy at the Aldridge Mansion.

Yes, he would love to meet you.

Then I will consider, maybe,

taking the book down until you get your stupid tenure

at your stupider college.

Absolutely. Yes, I will. Yes, of course!

You got it?

Excuse me! Excuse me!

We're not open.

- Can I help you? - Yes. Hi.

We're looking for Ed Mulgrave.

- I wanted to introduce these people to him. - Hi there.

He came to see me this morning.

- Ed Mulgrave? - Yes.

But Ed Mulgrave died 15 years ago.

- Yes! That's awesome! - What?

Dead for 15 years!

Ed's a ghost! Ha! Knew it!

I just saw him today... Oh.

He's...

So, who is this?

That's Ed's son. Ed Junior.

Okay. That's obviously who I meant. That's...

Hi, Junior. If I may, uh, when is the last

time the paranormal entity was actually seen?

And if you were to rank it, let's say between probably a T1 and T5...

Garret here saw it on Tuesday, and I believe it made him soil himself.

- Jesus. - Wow. Soiling.

I'd put that at a T3.

T4, if it was poop.

- What? - Unless you ate something weird.

Then it wasn't the ghost.

Kinda hard to suss that out after the fact though.

I didn't soil myself.

He did. He called me sobbing, saying, "Oh, my God, my pants are toast."

Did you happen to keep a sample of the soiling?

A sample?

Okay. All right.

I'd love to get that back to the lab.

Well, uh, so I have made the introduction.

- Yeah, thank you. - There you go.

All right, well, how 'bout you take us across the street.

I got to get in there, set up. Let's go on a tour.

Uh...

You're gonna die in there.

Aldridge Mansion. Take one.

And we are rolling.

Checking the settings. We look good.

What is that?

Looks like one of those things that makes cotton candy.

It's a PKE meter.

There's a ghost anywhere around here, this baby's gonna find it.

Does it work?

Uh, yeah, it works.

I just haven't had the appropriate proximity to an entity for it to work.

Strange reading here.

Ma'am, can you tell us where you got the world's tiniest bow tie?

Uh, it came with the shirt.

Okay, somebody really doesn't want us getting in that door.

Can you tell us what it's like to walk around in those shoes all day?

- It's not fun. - All right.

Oh, Holtzmann, check this out.

Hold your ponies.

All right. Good gag.

Hey, are you getting that?

Very funny.

Is everything a joke to you guys?

Just your mama.

No, actually, I think the world of your mom.

You guys put all that gooey stuff on the floor.

You opened the basement door. You tried to freak me out.

We did not open the basement door...

Basement door is open.

- I didn't open it. Did you open it? - I did not open it.

You know what, it was probably Ed. And the guy who didn't poop his pants.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Look over there.

I didn't even know it did that.

Oh. Ah.

- I... My ears just... - Mine just popped, too.

That is definitely...

- An AP-xH shift. Yes! - Shift.

- I mean, for sure. That's... - Uh, guys?

I don't think we're alone.

Holy crap.

Let me have the camera. Thank you.

Okay.

How can you be eating right now?

Once you pop...

Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Good God.

Class 4 apparition.

Distinct human form.

This can't be happening.

Oh, it's happening, all right.

That's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

I'm gonna try to talk to it.

Just be careful, she could be malevolent.

Yeah, just make sure you're recording it.

- Yeah, I'm getting it all. - Okay.

Just be cautious.

I think she wants to communicate with us.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

It's okay. She seems peaceful.

Hello.

I think you're gorgeous.

Hello. Hi.

Um, my name is Erin Gilbert, Doctor of Particle Physics at Columbia...

- Yes! - Oh, God!

She's getting away! Come on!

- Hurry, hurry! - Run!

- Get it, get it! - Where'd it go? Where'd it go?

- Where'd it go? Where'd it go? - There!

Oh!

What just happened?

Abby, what just happened?

I'll tell you what just happened. We saw a ghost.

- We saw a ghost! - Yeah, we saw a ghost!

We saw a ghost! Oh, my God!

- We saw a ghost. - We saw a ghost!

Oh, my God, we saw a ghost!

We were right! We weren't crazy!

- Oh. Oh. - Oh. Oh.

We saw a ghost!

Ghosts are real! Ghosts are real!

I believe in ghosts 'cause I just saw one!

They're real!

Who is that?

- Dr. Bronstein saw this on Reddit. - Hmm.

It was re-blogged from a site entitled Ghost News.

Not a publication I'd heard of.

I hope you understand that when we give someone tenure...

Oh, I accept your tenure.

When we give someone tenure, they represent this institution.

But this is just not what this institution is about.

Ah, Dr. Gibbons.

Found mold in my office, so I gotta move.

Don't tell anyone. I don't want people to panic or anything.

Kids, hello.

I didn't get fired. Even though I have the old plant in the box.

Margaret, hi. Just taking my plant out for some air.

Just like to carry it in this box with all my other personal stuff.

Phil. Phil. Hi. Phil, um...

If you turn around, you'll see me. I'm right behind you.

Oh, yeah. He's looking at that chart.

Couldn't figure that out, either. Call me when you figure that out.

Haven't been able to.

Samantha. Hi. How are you?

Ugh. Sixty. Seventy.

Sometimes, I like to put all my stuff from my office in a box

and just do some exercises and just use it as weights. Eighty.

Well, I hope you're happy.

That video you posted got me fired.

Fired!

- No! God, no! We will all die. - Turn to ash from the inside out.

- What? - Put it down. Carefully.

- Put it... Put it down... Oh, my God. - Fired!

After years,

years of hard work.

And ass-kissing.

God, I kissed so many different kinds of asses.

Erin, we're sorry that you lost your job.

But, I mean, there is kind of a glass is half full aspect of it.

I mean, we saw a real ghost.

You know, and she was beautiful.

Till she dislocated her jaw and ecto-projected all over you.

Yeah, that stuff went everywhere, by the way, in every crack.

But, I got to say, even that was kind of spectacularly beautiful.

I did detect a heavy ionization discharge.

I mean, I could smell it.

A full-torso transmogrification with corporeal aggression.

I mean, how often does that happen?

I mean, they want us to be quiet about that?

We are not gonna be quiet about that.

And it's not just us. We have over 100 comments already.

And they're not all crazies.

Come here, I want to show you this.

Read that.

"Ain't no bitches gonna hunt no ghosts."

Oh, no, no. Okay.

The one below it.

This woman is describing a Class 3 haunting in her house.

She can't just move. She can't call the police.

She can't call her friends. Who's she gonna call?

Ghost Jumpers!

Tonight, the Ghost Jumpers make contact with the ghost of Bigfoot.

God! These phonies!

I mean, you know what?

These guys are the reason you got fired.

It's because of stuff like this that makes it impossible for us to do our real work.

This cannot be the best option for people.

Okay, we are on the cusp of something here, a real discovery.

Unlike Columbia, this institute is 100% behind us.

Really?

Erin, this is what we have dreamed about since we were little kids.

I know that if you come and join us here, they are gonna be so pumped.

We just have to go upstairs and ask for more money.

I just honestly didn't realize your department still existed.

- What? - Come on, ghosts?

I will not let the 12-year reputation of this fine institution be besmirched by you!

Oh, come on! Suddenly this place has a classy reputation to uphold?

You're only dean now because the last dean went to jail.

Are you saying that I'm not qualified?

You spell science with a "Y ".

And what's upsetting about that is I don't think you know that that's wrong.

This is an institution of higher learning.

And if you guys want to study "ghosts,"

do it somewhere else, because I have two words for you.

Let me guess, "Get out"?

- No, he's gonna say "suck it." - He's not gonna say "suck it."

Suck it.

- You were right. - You know...

Oh, my gosh.

I think it might be a ghost.

Oh, no, it's not. It's just a bird.

Bye. There's the door.

Later days. Can you hear this? Let me turn it up.

Oh, my God.

This is incredibly immature behavior.

Caught it.

Just a minor setback.

You know what, guys? I think we can really do this.

We can become the first scientists to prove the existence of the paranormal.

All we have to do is find an entity and capture it

and bring it into a controlled environment. That's all!

Hey! There's the Erin I remember. Welcome back.

- Thank you. - Nice.

Okay, we should probably get this equipment out of here.

- They're gonna want it back. - I thought this stuff was yours.

- All stolen. - No...

Hey! That worthless garbage belongs to this school!

Scatter! Scatter! Scatter!

Go, go, go, scatter!

Hey. Uh, good morning.

Okay.

Hey, how you doing, sir? Got a Metro...

Hey. That's a dope jacket, man. I got that jacket.

You know what? It's a sweater. I made a mistake.

You have a good day, all right?

Whoa. Hey! How you doing, man?

They'll always ignore you.

They are walking sewage, concerned only with their own trivial matters.

Okay. Um...

When the Fourth Cataclysm begins,

laborers, such as yourself, will be among the last led to the butchery.

So, make the most of your extra time.

You are just a bundle of joy, ain't ya?

You have a good day with your crazy ass.