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I feel like I'm all on my own. What? I'm really lonely.

I'm moving back home.

She's there, I'm here. It's not over, it's just... Not a marriage any more. Thanks, Smithy(!)

I'm taking her to bingo tonight, if you fancy it. Can I bring Dave? You two are quite an item now. I know.

Jason. What's wrong? It's about Dave.

He knows. For God's sake! Oh, why did I tell him every damn thing?

What, even about...? Yes, everything!

I just miss him so much!

I just miss her so much. I hate this!

When can I see ya? Whenever you like!

I love you, Stacey. I love you, baby.

We're gonna be all right, aren't we?

Of course we are!

Of course we are!

Hiya! Are you in work?

Yeah, you've just rung me on my work number. Oh, yeah!

Did you get back OK last night? I don't know why you came down just for the evening.

I wanted to see you. You must be knackered.

It's fine. Well, look I've decided, I'm coming to you next time.

You don't have to. I've booked my ticket.

Really? I want to.

I wanna come up. That's brilliant.

Yeah.

Stacey! Hiya! I'm so sorry I'm late.

The traffic was ridiculous. It's OK.

Come here.

Right. Shall we, erm...? Yeah. I'm just over here.

So you really want me to move these golf clubs?

Yes! To the garage. Why?

Because Stacey will be here in a minute, and I don't want her

coming in to be greeted by your drivers and bloody nine irons!

Well, those drivers and bloody nine irons have been kept there for the last seven months

while Stacey lived under this roof, so it's not gonna make any difference.

Do you want to fall out with me today, Michael? Do you want to?

Because I tell you what, you are hanging by a very thin thread, young man.

I just don't understand what all the fuss is about.

It's not fuss, Michael, it's preparation for the fact that within the hour

your daughter-in-law will be returning to her marital, matrimonial home -

incidentally, which she hates living in... She doesn't hate it...

..in order to discuss the fact as to whether or not she will be staying here or Barry's Island.

It's Barry Island. Ooh, y'know what, Michael?! You are bein' a right sarky bastard today!

It isn't Barry's Island. It doesn't belong to a man called Barry. CAR HORN

Oh, my God, they're here.

Forget about the clubs.

Just act natural. Come here, come here!

Act natural!

Hello!

Welcome, welcome!

Welcome to our home, which is, of course, YOUR home, should you choose to make a choice to live, y'know...

Hiya, Stace. Come here. Lovely to see you.

Hiya. You well? You look well.

Don't tell her she looks well! That's like saying she looks fat!

Which of course you don't. You look beautiful and lovely and radiant, even though your mum did say...

Mum, any chance of a cup of tea? Yes. Of course... Now, you go through and make yourself at home,

because it IS your home.

Regardless of the fact... Pam. Tea.

Yes. Yeah... I'll take this upstairs.

I'll just put these in the garage.

Well, that's that done! It's a crackin' feelin' when you finish a book, isn't it?

I know. You get an immense sense of achievement.

How you gettin' on with yours, Ness? I won't lie, it's a tough read. It's puttin' me through the wringer.

What is it actually about, The Satanic Verses?

Don't make me talk about it. I don't want another fatwa.

Well, I've got half an hour, I think I'm gonna get goin' on the sequel to this one.

Fair play. What's it called? Erm...hang on.

No, Daddy, Please Don't.

By the same author. DOOR OPENS He's had a terrible time of it.

Only me. Where've you been?

Been into town, I have. And I've bought myself one of these!

I only went in for a Nano.

I've come out with a 60 gig!

That's over 50,000 songs. Have you got that many to put on there?

No-o! But that's the beauty.

After I've put all mine on, I've still got room for 49,853 songs!

Which I see as positive.

I mean, she is massive now.

Absolutely huge. Really?

Yeah. She's like a boat. But she haven't got no stretch marks.

She didn't have to stretch much in the first place, did she, darlin'? Pam!

I'm only sayin'. That's the beauty of bein' a bigger girl.

You're already stretched.

This is the one I really like, but have a look at them all, see what you think.

Is that the one with the balcony at the back? Yeah. We can see that one tomorrow.

But not the nice one till Monday, so... These are really expensive. I know, but...

They're right out of our price range. I know that...

But... Look, the thing is... Mum?

You tell her, Mick.

Right... Pam and I have had a chat, and we talked to Gav about it the other day.

We don't like seeing you unhappy. It's difficult for you living here, you need your own place...

And can I just say I know that I have not been entirely... Pam.

SHE WHISPERS: Sorry!

To cut a long story short,

we've decided we'd like to give you the money for a deposit on a flat

and then lend you whatever you need to get the ball rolling.

Isn't that brilliant?

Yeah, it's fantastic.

Bloody hell, Stace, you could look a bit more excited!

No, it's fantastic. I'm really grateful. It's just... You don't look it!

No, I am... I tell you what, why don't we leave you both to it...

I'm sure you've got a lot to talk about. Come on, Pam. Mick...

I really am grateful. I know, love.

My God, bloody hell. Shhh! Don't you shush me!

We've just offered to lend her 20 thousand grands! DOOR SLAMS

What's goin' on, Stace?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Because most people would see what happened just now as a good thing.

But by the look on your face, it's like...it's a bad thing.

I just don't know if now is the right time for us to be talkin' about houses.

Cos there's other stuff we need to sort out.

Like what?

Gav...

we've been living apart for four weeks...

Things aren't exactly great between us.

I know, but I thought...

What, you thought everything was fine again? Just like that?

No!

Yeah.

I did...

I do.

Well, you've got no idea then if you... No.

I haven't got a clue, cos I can't work out what's wrong unless you tell me!

Cos you say it's a house, you say it's livin' here,

and now I'm starting to wonder if actually the problem might be me.

Is it?

You were supposed to say something at that point.

My God... Are you breaking up with me?

I don't want to...

But what? Is that why you came here?

No, it isn't. I came here excited to see you... This "I need space, I need time at home" thing.

..but the minute I walk through the door I feel like I'm trapped!

Trapped? By what? By me? By living here? Everything!

Too much, too quick. PHONE RINGS

You've been sayin' this every day since you moved in! I don't know what more I can do.

Nor do I.

Because you're perfect and...

so lovely and you look after me and...

that's everything I've ever wanted.

I'll move to Barry. Or Cardiff. No, Gav. But I thought you wanted that!

Jesus, make up your mind! It wouldn't work.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS Why? Sorry.

Why wouldn't it work? Because you'd feel the same down there like I do up here.

We're from different worlds, Gav.

And I don't think either of us realised how different they were.

If we were really meant to be together,

if this was it, then that wouldn't matter.

And we'd be happy wherever we were.

But we're not.

And I can't ignore that any more.

Don't take it off. Please.

I love you. I love you, Gavin. PHONE RINGS

But it's not enough, is it?

Stacey...you... Nessa's gone into labour!

What?!

Whoooarrghh...

Whoooargh...

Whoargh. HE STOPS TIMER

How long was that one, Bryn?

23.5. That's just under a couple of minutes less than last time.

At least we're going in the right direction, eh, Ness?

Is it time for the music? I'm onto it right now.

I thought a little bit of Jack Johnson.

Just to put you in the right mood. Tidy.

There you go. Are you sure you want it plain? No cheese nor nothin'?

No. That's crackin'.

Right, well, I've rung Doris. Doris is gonna tell Peg... and I spoke to Jase...

He sends his love, so that's it! We just got to sit and wait now.

BOTH: Smithy!

It rings and rings then goes to voice mail. Same with everyone.

I've tried Chinese, Budgie, Gary and Simon... What we gonna do?

A month early! It's unheard of at her age.

How old is she, by the way? I don't really know. No-one does. I don't think Ness is 100 per cent.

We'll take you down with us, get there as soon as possible.

You need to find Smithy and bring him with you.

I can get the train. Don't be silly. We'll be much quicker driving. I'll take you down and you find Smithy.

No... No, listen Smithy's gonna be in enough of a state as it is.

He's gonna need you with him. You better get on. Where do I start? Driving range.

OK. Well...

I'll see you down there.

Take care.

Right.

Bye, then. Bye.

Good luck!

What you smilin' at?

It's all the drama, Mick. I just love it!

Whoooaaaarrrggghhhh...

argh.....

Ohhhhh...!

That was a big one, Ness.

How's she doin'? Hiya, love.

Hiya, sexy. Dave. How're you feelin'?

How d'you think she's feeling?

Sorry. Look, I bought you this... I got it from Jill Thomas, I did.

It's a TENS machine. Isn't Jill Thomas a vet?

That's right. Now, it's normally used on cattle.

But she reckoned the effect is exactly the same. Cheers, Dave. Tidy. Stick it on.

W-w-w-w-woah.

Are we sure this is wise?

Nessa's not a cow. No.

She's a fox. Oh.

Come here.

Any news on Smithy?

He wasn't at the driving range. I tried the Coach And Horses. Brian's not seen him.

Hang on, I've got a call comin' in. It's Gary and Simon.

Gary and Simon...yeah. I'm just pullin' in there now.

OK.

All right, Gavin, what you havin'? Oh, my God, that totally rhymed. I'm like Lily Allen. Rudi,

you seen your brother? He was in yesterday blagging onion rings.

Look, Nessa's gone into labour.

Shut the f...! I know. She's a month early. She's havin' contractions. Right.

What you doin'? I'm coming with you. Won't they sack you? I so don't care. We've got to find him.

Always wanted to do that! Right, let's try The Crown.

I remember the first time I went into labour.

The first time? The only time.

Or is there something you haven't told me? You know what I mean.

It was 39 hours from start to finish.

Horrendous. I'm not going through that again. Really? It was all right for you.

You fell asleep. He fell asleep, Stace.

Went to get some coffee, y'know, from the machine, he was gone three and a half hours.

They only woke him up cos someone thought he'd gone in a coma. Oh, shut up!

By the time he got back, I'd had epidural, gas and air, all sorts...didn't know who he was.

You kept callin' me Spencer - whoever HE is.

PAM CHUCKLES

Worth it in the end, though.

He'll be a great dad, Gav will.

He will, my love. Yeah...

I know.

They're gettin' closer... They're about every five minutes, give or take. And they're a lot more intense.

She keeps making a sort of mooing noise. Like a cow. NESS MOANS

Is that normal? We're just finding out now.

Bryn, any joy?

I'd say about four.

Five at a push.

Did you hear that?

Oh, really?

Right. OK. Well, thank you very much for your help.

Oh, Gwen, what's occurring?

It's time, love. They want us to bring you in.

Oh, boy! Oh, God. Oh, shit.

But what does that mean, they're taking her in? Is that bad?

No, nothing. It feels like we're just driving around in circles.

No, I'm with Rudi, Smithy's sister...

Bryn says hello. All right, Bryn? How's it going?

He says he's good, thanks, but he's a bit... Actually Bryn, now's not really a good... Yeah...

OK. Oh, my God. Pull over. Pull over!

What? Cherice.

Cherice! CHERICE! What is wrong with you? Don't even chat to me, I ain't got nothin' to say to you.

What is your problem? One word. Darren Millar.

I ain't done nothin' with Darren Millar. Not since Year 10. Liar. I ain't a liar!

My aunty saw you on the fire escape. Why would I lie? You're not even with Darren Millar!

What you mean? You know full well I'm with Darren Millar.

I ain't done nothing with him, I ain't gone near him. I wouldn't do that.

You disgust me with your antics!

BOTH SHOUT AT ONCE

You're dead to me, yeah?

You're stabbin' me in the heart(!)

Thank you!

Go away!

Sorry, I just... I hate her aunty. Knew she saw us on the fire escape.

FOOTBALL PLAYS

It's rammed.

He's not here. Shit.

Hang on a minute.

Shut up! Shut up a minute.

Anyone seen my brother? There he is.

Smithy! Sorry about that, boys.

Smithy! Gavlar! What you doin' here?

I thought Stacey was... Mate.

What? What's happened? Nessa's gone into labour.

She's not due for another month.

I'll call Mum and I'll tell Nana Joyce. Just keep in touch! Will do!

Dude, I love you, man. Cheers, Rudes.

Right. Smithy! You ain't heavy, yeah? You're my brother.

And what's your full name?

Jenkins.

Vanessa Shanessa Jenkins.

Getting yourself a soup, are you, Bryn? What's that supposed to mean?

Bryn, come on. I know things have been difficult between us, what with Jason coming back...

I'd never have told you if I'd known you'd become part of our lives! You know what,

I wish I didn't know either, but I do.

It's difficult for me as well, you standing there with the soup... It sets my mind racing, you know?

Oh, God. I promise you, Bryn, I've not told a soul.

Not even Nessa? No!

And even if I wanted to tell anyone, I wouldn't know where to start.

In my mind it's a physical impossibility.

It defies gravity!

I know.

You gotta trust me, Bryn. Right...well, we're all set.

The room's this way if you want to follow me.

Thank you, David. You just enjoy your soup, Bryn.

I can't believe this. I know.

My baby is gonna be born in Wales.

Eurgh.

Well, he ain't speaking the language. It might be a girl.

Don't make it worse.

♪ ..Lie down, Remember it's just you and me... ♪ HE SWITCHES RADIO OFF

You all right? What's up? Nothin'.

What is it? I'm fine!

I think me and Stacey have split up.

What? Shut up!

Yeah. She did it today. Mate! Why?

I dunno. She gave me loads of reasons...I just think she doesn't want me any more. Oh, come on.

No, seriously. I've never seen her like that before.

What a day.

I'm sorry, mate, I know I should be here for you more but I'm just not with it, you know?

Listen... everything you've done for me...and if she's serious, if she means it,

which I don't think she does, then she's a fool.

Cos there's no-one else I'd rather wake up next to than you.

No-one I'd wanna look after me,

hold me, cook for me, keep me warm at night.

Smithy... No. Let me say it.

I love you, Gavlar.

I do.

There, it's out there. I've said it.

In fact, forget it, I don't love you, Gavlar, I love you, Gavin.

I don't like it when you call me Gavin. I know you don't.

That's why I can never replace her.

Besides, you've got to get back with her cos her best mate's about to have my baby

and if you're not around it's gonna be a bloody nightmare!

Whoooooah! Sing to me, Bryn.

♪ There's no combination of words I can put on the back of a postcard

♪ No song that I can sing but I can try for your heart

♪ Our dreams They are made out of real things

♪ Like a shoe box of photographs and sepia tone loving... ♪

Where is she? Where's Mama? Hiya. Oh, Ness. Hiya, Stace. Pam. Mick.

I'm on the gas, I am... It's messin' with my head, I'm not gonna lie to you.

Oh, my God, how are you feelin'? Agghhr...

Oh, shit a brick!

Nurse! Nurse!

Right, Mick...we need hot water, flannels... Pam. Calm down. We're in a hospital.

Everything's under control. Dave.

I need you. I need you now.

Oh, Christ. That's the gas talking, Dave. No, it's not. Come on, climb on.

Now's not the time, Ness.

It really is only one person in with her at a time, where's the father?

He's on his way. Right...so who would you like to stay with you?

I want Stace. Really? Right, come on.

Let's all go. Please don't go.

I'm just gonna check you, see how far you've gone.

Knock yourself out, love.

How did it go with Gav, all right?

I think it's over, Ness.

You'd be a fool to let that one go. He's cracking, even if he is a bit short.

Right...I think we're ready! What?

Let's get you changed to have this baby, shall we?

Dad? What? They've just taken her down now. What? I don't know what that means.

What does that mean? I don't know what that means!

It means she's going down to have the baby!

Well, tell her to wait! We've just come over the bridge. We'll be about half hour.

I'm going as quick as I can!

Shit! I haven't got any money for the bridge. Neither have I. What've you got? Dunno, not a lot.

I got exactly three quid. I got two. Ten pence down. They'll let us off that, surely?

Hi, sorry, we've only got five pounds but his girlfriend is just... She's not my girlfriend.

I know, but for the purposes of this... Yeah?

His girlfriend is about to have a baby...

Sorry, sir, I cannot allow you into the country without payment of the appropriate fee.

This was clearly advertised on your approach to the bridge. £5.10 only. "Only?!" Are you taking the piss?

Can I draw your attention to the sign on your right which clearly states

"Offensive behaviour towards staff will not be tolerated..." CAR HORN

All right, dickhead!

Actually, mate, have you got 10p? ..Yeah, you an' all.

It's 10p, are you gonna make him miss the birth of his first child for the sake of 10p? You do not have

the appropriate funds. Put your car into reverse. I'm about to have a baby! It's 10p!

I'll bring it back, I promise! CAR HORN

Fine. What you doin'? Smithy? Stay away from the barrier.

If you touch the barrier, you are in breach of... Well, you will be arrested.

Argh! Go! Go! Go! See ya!

Nearly there now, Ness. Not long to go.

Right... No disrespect, Stace, but you've never done this before

and neither have I, so why should I listen to you? Good point.

Fair play. Ti...dy.

Oh... You might find it easier if you go on all fours.

I usually do. It's a home from home for me, that, luv.

And me. Me too.

Well, they won't tell me a thing.

Oh, Mick, stop pacing, for crying out loud! I can't sit still...

I don't want him to miss it. Where the bloody hell are they?

Well, I've never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life.

No, honestly! She really is in labour!

I didn't mean you, but. I meant the bird on the bridge! Right...yeah.

I'd have done the same, boys, I won't lie to you.

All right, great, so...

Thanks, mate. Cheers.

The birth of a baby and ten pence.

No contest, is there? No. Thanks again. Cheers, mate.

Yeah, I remember my first baby.

Oh, God! I'd have driven through hell and high water to get there,

you're not in control over your emotions.

If they can't understand that on the bridge, well, stuff 'em! I know. Scandalous!

Some of them are nothing but little Hitlers.

My sister-in-law, she's a cop,

she lives up in... What's it called?

Mate, we've really got to... Newbury... No, Newham! That's it.

The reason we did what we did is because we're in a rush.

We're still in that rush!

My wife says I could talk for Wales!

Mate, come on, now. Sorry. Ignore me. On you go!

Cheers. Thanks. Hey, if you put your foot down you'll do it in ten!

Come on, Ness. You can do it. That's it. Good girl!

Where's Smithy? I don't want him to miss this.

You can't worry about that now. He'll be here. I know he will.

He's a twat. I know... But Gavin's not.

And he'll get him here. I know he will.

Oh... Come on now, Ness. You're doing really well.

OH, GOD!

Where is he-eeeeeeee?

They're all in Welsh.

They're all in bloody Welsh! How're you meant to read the signs...?!

Smithy, these are in English. This way. Come on.

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

Oh, my God, Ness... I can see the head! It's amazin'!

Come on now, Ness, dig deep. One more push!

Whoooaaaarrrggghhhh...

♪ And I can't stop now

♪ Such a long time running

♪ And I can't stop now

♪ Do you hear my heart beating?

♪ Can you hear that sound?

♪ Cos I can't help thinking

♪ And I don't look down... ♪

You got a boy.

♪ And then I looked up at the sun and I could see

♪ All the way that gravity turns for you and me... ♪

Where's my clever girl? Where is she? Well done.

Aww... Looks just like you, Smithy, poor little thing.

What you gonna call him?

I wanna call him after me. I'm gonna call him after my dad.

What?

I'm gonna call him after my father.

No. Sorry...

I wanna name him after me. It's a family thing. We always...

So's mine. What is your real name? What was your father called, my love?

Neil. Neil.

Neil! Neil! BABY CRIES

Well, there you go!

LAUGHTER

I always thought you was called Colin.

Colin?! Yeah, Colin. Why?

Well, it's been so long, darlin', I can't remember!

♪ Cos I can't help crying

♪ And I won't look down. ♪

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