Original subtitles

Uh, this is Louis Huang calling again for Kenny Rogers.

He purchased a 50% ownership in my restaurant

from Michael Bolton.

Ah. Right in the pleat.

Ugh! I don't understand

why I can't get Kenny Rogers on the phone.

Have you tried calling Dolly Parton?

Of course I have.

I've spoken to Dolly like seven times.

She was nice, but no help.

Eddie! Evan! Hurry up so you can eat and leave!

I can't wait for you boys to go back to school.

There's something about you guys.

Over time... it's fatiguing.

It's gonna be a great year.

Now that Eddie's in high school,

I'm gonna have middle school all to myself.

My whole life, I haven't been able to stretch out my arms

without hitting a brother.

But look at me now!

Hey. I can touch dad's head.

My wingspan has doubled this summer.

All you boys are growing up.

Booty Man, reporting for 9th grade!

Am I talkin' my booty? Am I talkin' your booty?

Get to know me and find out. [Clicks tongue]

S04E02 First Day

? Fresh off the boat ?

? I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ?

? If you don't know, homey, now you know ?

? Fresh off the boat ?

? Homey, you don't know where I come from ?

? But I know where I'm goin' ?

? I'm fresh off the boat ?

sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com

Eddie, you can't wear that hat to school.

- Take it off. - No way.

I'm starting high school.

The first impression's everything.

No Booty Man! The hat goes!

Ugh! Fine!

But the day I get my own apartment,

I'm wearing this hat to sign the lease.

Great. Do that.

This tension right here is why I took breakfast in my room.

We should go.

Don't want to be late to the bus on the first day.

What's that on your face?

It's an irritated clogged pore.

Process your pimple on the move, brother.

The bus waits for no one.

No one stops Booty Man.

Well, if I wasn't sure

I liked girls before,

this confirms it.

[Scoffs]

Uh, hey,

are those your friends?

Ex-friends, you mean.

Enjoy the bus, losers!

What does your hat say? "Boo"?

What are you, a ghost?

Ooh, I'm scared!

It says "Booty"! You should know.

You have your head up your own!

What did you think of that?

I cannot believe you guys are still fighting.

Those guys wanted to drop me

the second they thought I was going to a different school.

Screw them!

I got my Booty hat.

I got my girl Alison. And I've got you.

Oh, yeah, no.

You're a freshman. I can't be seen with you.

In fact...

you need to get out here before anyone sees us together.

But we're nine blocks from school.

Better hurry, then.

[Tires squeal]

[Grunts]

[Tires squeal, engine revs]

See you at home for dinner!

My older brother.

He sees a therapist,

but we're not allowed

to talk about it.

[Indistinct conversations]

Can you still see it?

If anyone asks, I'm gonna say

I nicked myself shaving.

When the day comes,

I'm going electric.

That three-headed Norelco...

It lifts, then it slices.

Have a good first day.

Evan?

You're on the wrong bus.

I'm not.

I skipped 5th grade.

- I'm a middle schooler now. - What?!

After I inhaled

the St. Orlando's summer reading list,

I knew I was working way above my level.

So, long story short,

we called Principal Hunter,

took a few tests,

wrote an essay,

bing, bang, boom,

here we are.

- When were you gonna tell me? - I wasn't.

You know how our family doesn't like to talk about things.

I thought maybe when we're 25,

we'd be having Negronis, and I'd be like,

"How about that time I skipped 5th grade

and we never talked about it"?

I see how it could've

played out that way.

Sure.

Uh, get the belly again.

Every time I turn around,

someone's wiping barbecue sauce on that belly.

Matthew: Hello?

Hello?

I'm so sorry. These are supposed to transition,

but they take a while.

There they go.

[Chuckles] Uh, can I help you?

I am Matthew Chestnut,

from Kenny Rogers' Roasters corporate office.

I'm Kenny's right-hand man,

or should I say left-hand man

because Kenny's always right?

Hmm. Finally! [Chuckles]

I've been calling you guys for months about our sign.

Oh, sorry about that.

Roasters is very busy with 425 locations across Canada,

the United States, the Middle East, Asia.

Hey, got a quick question... You probably know this...

Do Asian people like corn?

Should we put corn in our Asian stores?

Um, I like corn.

Okay, yep.

It's a go on the Asian corn.

Okay. [Chuckles]

Uh, well, welcome.

I'm Louis Huang, founder.

Uh, so, about our sign, right now it says

"Kenny Rogers' Michael Bolton's Cattleman's Ranch."

Wordy. [Chuckles]

We should take Michael Bolton's name down, right?

Oh, oh, oh, uh, n-no.

Uh, Kenny and Michael have an intense rivalry,

so Kenny wants to keep his name above Michael's forever.

- Oh. - Yeah. Don't worry about it.

These are the types of things I'll help you navigate

over the next few months.

- Few months? - Yeah, few months to a year.

But don't worry,

Kenny loves what you're doing here.

Oh!

I accidentally tracked this leaf in.

I'm gonna go, uh, throw it back outside.

There's my superstar!

Lincoln Middle School's first ever grade skipper.

Is this contact appropriate?

We got you this welcome pencil.

Come down to my office any time,

and Denise will hook you up with lead.

Unlimited lead.

Looks like... chemistry.

Thank you.

Whoa. That was weird.

Girls usually love you.

That's never happened before.

Maybe she didn't see me because she's blind.

Who? Celeste?

No, she has perfect vision.

In the last yearbook under "likes,"

she wrote, "Boys, Spice Girls, and seeing perfectly."

Hmm.

[Indistinct conversations]

Alison!

Excuse me. Coming through.

That's my girl in there.

This liar says that he's your boyfriend.

You want me to put him in the trash?

He is my boyfriend, but thanks.

That's sweet.

I'm gonna call an audible on that play?

[Laughter]

Damn! This one's coming for our playbook.

My girl!

How was woodwind camp?

One of the flautists went missing,

but they found her in a bog.

Cool!

Um, what did those idiot jocks want?

They just wanted to say hi.

I'll be playing the piccolo in marching band this year,

so I'm getting to know the team.

They seem nice.

[School bell rings]

I got to get to class.

I'll save you a seat at lunch.

Great!

I told Number 53 he could sit with us,

so try to get a big table... and an end seat

because his shoulders are so broad.

[Chuckles]

I want you to know

I snuck this hat out and wore it.

I know. Terrible.

But I see the error of my ways.

You were right.

High school is serious,

and to succeed, I need discipline,

a strict dress code, and to keep my eye on the ball.

Okay...

Great. So we agree.

I'm going out for the football team.

And get concussed? No way!

Mom, you have to sign this permission slip.

Football is gonna be my thing in high school.

- So find a different thing. - I can't!

Alison's in the band,

and she's gonna be spending a lot of time

with the football team. [Sighs]

I've got to be one of those guys.

This says the school's not liable

in the event of a concussion...

Spelled wrong, by the way...

Loss of limb, or death.

Mom, Mom, Mom, you're looking at it all wrong.

What if it goes well? That means college scholarship,

NFL, tons of money!

You marry a white girl, become a Hertz pitchman,

and then kill your wife because you lost your mind

from all the concussions.

No! I'm not letting my son become the next O.J.

_

Rolling in at 10:00. Oh. [Chuckles]

Kenny's not gonna love that.

I try to have breakfast with my kids.

I-I'm kidding.

I literally just ran in here from the parking lot

and stood here right before you walked in.

[Chuckles] Oh, feel my chest.

My heart is beating so fast.

You got my heart going, too.

I thought you were mad. [Both laugh]

Boom boom brothers.

[Chuckles]

[Imitates heart pounding]

[Both laugh]

Anyway, um, I've done a full assessment of the restaurant,

and I think I have a couple things

that are gonna take us to that next level.

Mm-hmm. Um, first, we should add a customer comment line.

[Chuckles] Yeah, let's give people an anonymous forum to be racist.

[Chuckles]

Um, also, back at Roasters,

we do have a seat-yourself policy.

It creates a relaxed, kind of down-home environment.

Well, I've found that having a host

lets you get to know your customers.

Um, and lastly,

I do think we should lose some of the steak dishes

from the menu and add some rotisserie chicken.

That's what Kenny's known for.

Oh, well, here at Cattleman's Ranch,

we're known for our steak. [Chuckles]

This isn't Chickenman's... Ranch.

Chickenman's! [Chuckles] That's not bad.

Maybe call the comment line, suggest it.

[Both chuckle]

[Whistle blows]

What's up? I'm Eddie. The Booty Man.

Maybe you've seen me in my hat around the halls?

I don't really notice other dudes, man.

Yeah, yeah. Cool, cool. Who would?

[Whistle blows]

Yes, I am a woman and a football coach.

That's right. Your coach is a lady.

Come on. Let's get it out of the way.

Are you on your period?

Go run laps.

That's a yes.

Took me forever to get my mom to sign the tryout waiver.

I had no problem.

_

G-ma dropping wisdom from the hall.

How many laps do you want me to do, Coach?

I want you to do as many laps

as there are seasons of "Murphy Brown."

10.

And sure enough, Denise refilled the pencil lead.

Twice. I figured it out.

You're the reason things are going bad for me this year.

What are you talking about?

The only thing that's different at school is you.

Suddenly, girls are rejecting me,

the cafeteria ran out of green beans,

somebody drew penises in all my textbooks...

You think I would waste pencil lead on pornography?

Grandma Huang: Emery...

_

_

What do you mean?

_

_

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

Mmm.

_

_

_

That can't be true.

Well, it makes sense.

You got me kicked out of private school,

no one believed you about Tiger Woods,

we didn't get to see that big peanut,

and there was that week where you thought clogs were unisex.

Pinocchio wears them, and he's a real boy!

Did Eddie have a bad-luck year when he was 12?

_

_

I'm gonna turn the temp up on the rotisserie one degree,

just enough to make the chicken dry and stringy.

Then we'll see how long it stays on the menu.

Louis, get ahold of yourself!

You're spending a lot of energy worrying about small changes.

But Cattleman's is already a great restaurant.

It is.

So great that two music moguls

wanted to put their name on it.

You did that. So do it again.

Imagine this pillow is Cattleman's.

You're spending all your energy

trying to make this pillow perfect

when there could be pillows all over the bed.

Cattleman's 2.

Cattleman's 3.

Cattleman's To-Go.

Just look at Kenny Rogers.

He is thinking big picture.

He's not in there every day worrying about chicken.

No, he's making love to Dolly Parton.

- You think? - Right now.

[Locker door closes]

You made the team? That's great!

Sure did.

Coach called me an Asian Barry Sanders.

See you on the field of play, bro.

That's my teammate, Max.

We both want the same thing...

To bring home a title for our school.

Nice. So, I'll see you at practice later?

I'm number 22... Double deuce.

Our love code can be two piccolo toots.

[Giggles]

Regular citizens, stand aside.

Athlete coming through.

Butterfingers.

Brian better crawl under there and get it back.

In your dreams.

Why would I dream about that?

Don't tell us your dreams! We're not friends anymore.

[Clears throat]

Oh. Kenny Rogers likes the salad bar

to be in descending order of crunch.

Uh, listen, I want to apologize

if I've been a little resistant to change.

Oh, don't worry about it. I get it.

I've bought the same jeans for 20 years.

My wife buys me chinos, I tell her, "Amy, stop."

[Laughs] Okay, good.

Yeah, I just have one more tiny change.

We are gonna have to lose the bear.

- What?! - Yeah.

Mr. Rogers has a complicated relationship with bears.

Can't have one in his restaurant.

But this bear was the first thing

I bought for the restaurant.

Mark and I have been through everything together.

I'm sorry, but one tried to rip Kenny's throat out,

so... bye, Mark.

Here's a list of pre-approved taxidermied animals.

Just let us know which one you want.

We'll have it shot and stuffed.

[Sighs]

Bald eagle?

French bulldog?

This is war!

[Knock on door]

Yoo-hoo.

Hey!

Hey!

I just popped in to see

if you accidentally took all of our monogrammed towels

when you moved out of our house.

Oh...

[Chuckles]

I thought the "H" and "M" stood for "His" and..." Mine."

Honest mistake. [Chuckles]

I guess.

Oh, congrats, by the way.

Nicole told me Eddie's on the football team.

No, he's not. I said he couldn't try out.

I think he is.

She said she's picking him up after practice later.

[Indistinct shouting]

[Piccolo toots]

[All grunting]

Is Eddie on the football team?

He is! Number 22. He's doing well. Look.

[Grunting]

Where'd he learn to juke like that?

[Grunts]

[Screams] Concussed!

[Whistle blows] Eddie!

Who the hell is this?

[Grunts] Where's Eddie?

I think he's over there.

I am so mad I can't hear myself speak.

All I can hear is the anger in my ears.

It is like the hiss of a tea kettle filled with rage.

I'm sorry. It's just...

Alison, when I saw you talking to those football players,

I got worried that you might not like me anymore

if I wasn't on the team.

But I didn't make the cut,

so I paid Max to pretend to be me.

Unbelievable.

I'm gonna go make sure that poor boy's okay

and get back the money you paid him.

You didn't give me very much credit,

thinking I would immediately ditch you

for a football player.

I know. I messed up.

[Sighs] Maybe it's a good time for a fresh start.

Are you breaking up with me?

I'm sorry, Eddie.

Jessica: Eddie!

You paid this boy $50?!

He would've done it for $20!

[Low-pitched voice] Hi, this is Harry.

Big fan of Cattleman's Ranch.

My comment is, I love the stuffed bear in the dining room.

Thank you. [Telephone beeps]

I have cleared everything fun out of Eddie's room.

- Help me bury it. - [Normal voice] In the morning.

Right now I'm at war.

[Dialing, ringing]

[Southern accent] Hello. I'm a white, Southern woman

who's used to getting what she wants.

And what I want is steak.

[Telephone beeps] Louis, this is important.

Our son was almost concussed.

[Normal voice] But he wasn't. Eddie is fine.

It's the restaurant I built from the ground up

that's dying a death by a thousand cuts.

We talked about this with the pillows!

Why are you still wasting so much energy?

Eddie: Excuse me.

- May I come in for a glass of water? - No.

Your dehumidifier is full. Drink that.

[Sighs]

I thought I could take a step back once he was in high school,

but it's always gonna be something with him.

That's how I feel about Cattleman's.

I can't quit caring for it, no matter how much I try.

Cattleman's is your Eddie.

A pain in the ass,

always on the brink of disaster,

but you will never stop fighting for it,

because it's your first.

That's it! That's exactly it!

Well, why didn't you just say that?

You need to march back in there

and save your baby from being concussed

before you rip off its helmet

and see a boy you don't even recognize.

When I get done with that place, it'll be called

Louis Huang's Kenny Rogers' Michael Bolton's Cattleman's Ranch!

The name is too long.

I know.

This restaurant is my dream, Matthew,

and that dream started with me buying this bear

at the estate sale of a game hunter

who shot himself cleaning his gun.

I built this place.

I mean, not from the ground up...

It used to be a strip club...

But I took it over, thoroughly sanitized it,

and I made it what it is today.

Cattleman's will always be my baby,

so I don't care what you do at Roasters,

you're not changing a thing.

Oh, um, um... Um, I'm sorry.

I'm not processing anything.

The school just got ahold of me.

My son, Max, was concussed at football practice today.

I-I have to go see him.

Uh... d-do whatever you want.

[Chuckles] We did it!

We saved Cattleman's!

[Light applause]

Oh.

Can I seat you, gentlemen?

You're gonna love this place.

It's full nude.

Hey, does Cinnamon still work here?

Tell her Barry's finally out on good behavior.

[Indistinct conversations]

What are you doing?

We heard about Alison.

Sorry, man. That sucks.

I know you're not hungry, but you need to eat something.

So you guys aren't still mad?

We don't even remember what we were fighting about.

I do, but I'm gonna let it go.

Trent: We feel your pain.

In a way, Alison was all of our first girlfriends.

Not me. I got to second base with Edith.

Second base?!

You accidentally fell on top of her.

She rolled her ankle.

Yes, but she let me sign her cast

really close to her knee.

[Laughter]

Okay.

Okay, so, we never got to talk about the "ER" finale.

Oh, my gosh.

[Both sigh]

110 days till the year of the Ox is over.

111... today's not over.

You know, I was thinking...

Up until now, you've led a pretty charmed life.

So your bad is basically everyone else's normal.

Huh, maybe so.

Good morning, Kyle.

Sometimes normal people get ignored.

People ignore you?

Good thing you've got me at school now.

I've got your back this year.

Here, you can use my pencil today.

Thanks.

- My lead rods! - I'm sorry.

- Here, let me help. - Don't touch them!

Just hold my bag.

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