Original subtitles

- OKAY, DOCTORS, THIS IS THE LAST OF THE SUPPLIES.

GRAB YOU A BOX AND WE'LL GET ON OVER TO THE HEALTH FAIR.

- DONUTS, LAVERNE? WE'RE TESTING FOR CHOLESTEROL.

- THE DONUTS ARE BAIT.

ONCE THEY GRAB 'EM, WE'LL JAB 'EM.

THAT'S A JOKE. WHY AIN'T YOU LAUGHIN'?

- BECAUSE IT'S 6:18 ON A SATURDAY MORNING.

I SHOULD BE DRIVIN' HOME FROM SOMEWHERE, DAMN IT.

- COME ON, MAX. IT WON'T BE ALL THAT BAD.

LAVERNE AND I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS HEALTH FAIR FOR YEARS.

- OH, YEAH.

IT'S A HOOT.

GETTIN' TO HOB-NOB WITH SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITIES.

- I'M NOT IMPRESSED BY CELEBRITIES.

- OH, I THINK YOU'LL BE SINGIN' A DIFFERENT TUNE

ONCE YOU HAVE A BRUSH WITH GREATNESS.

TWO YEARS AGO I ACTUALLY MET ROY CLARK'S DENTAL HYGIENIST.

LIFE GOES ON

AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT

IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE

WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE

I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

- SOPHIA, WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.

- YEAH, YEAH, GIVE ME SOME FREE STUFF.

- OKAY, WE'LL GIVE YOU A FREE DONUT,

BUT FIRST WE'LL HAVE TO GIVE YOU A CHOLESTEROL TEST.

- FORGET IT. IF I GIVE BLOOD, I WANT CASH.

- THIS IS BO MERCURY, YOUR WANDERING WEATHERMAN.

LIVE AND WELL FROM THE DADE COUNTY HEALTH FAIR.

COME ON DOWN AND GET YOURSELVES CHECKED OUT.

AND FOR THE FIRST 100 OF YOU

THAT STOP BY THE WKJH BOOTH,

A FREE BO MERCURY THERMOMETER.

- I JUST LOVE THAT GUY.

- SEE?

SEE, I TOLD YOU THERE'D BE CELEBRITIES ALL OVER THE PLACE.

- I DO THE TREADMILL BIT, CRACK A FEW JOKES,

AND THAT'LL LEAD RIGHT INTO THE, UH...

HEY!

- EXCUSE ME, MR. MERCURY. - HI, LITTLE LADY.

WANNA JOIN ME FOR A WALK?

I CAN GUARANTEE YOU IT WON'T RAIN!

- ACTUALLY I'S WONDERIN' IF YOU COULD

TAKE A LITTLE STROLL OVER THERE

TO MEET MY FRIEND DR. MAXINE DOUGLAS.

- OH, CUTE.

- AND SHE'S YOUR A-NUMBER-ONE FAN.

- SMART TOO.

[laughing]

SURE, I'LL SAY HELLO.

UH, COME ON, GUYS. WE'RE ON THE MOVE.

- NO, I AM NOT TAKING BLOOD FROM YOUR EAR.

IF YOU WANT IT PIERCED, GO TO THE MALL.

- DOCTOR'S I GOT SOMEONE WANNA SAY HEY.

- HEY! IT'S YOU!

MAXINE, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

- OW! GEEZ, HARRY!

OH, MY GOD.

- HI, THERE.

- UH...UH...

DONUT?

- [chuckling] THANKS, BUT WE'RE ON AGAIN

IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS.

DON'T WANT THIS SMILE SPECKLED WITH SPRINKLES.

- FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO...

- WHAT?

- THIS IS BO MERCURY AGAIN,

LIVE AT THE CANAL STREET CLINIC BOOTH,

WHERE DR. MAXINE DOUGLAS WAS JUST ABOUT

TO TELL ME THE IMPORTANCE OF FREE DONUTS

AND...UM...

CHOLESTEROL SCREENING.

- UH...WELL...

IT'S A GOOD WAY TO, UH, PREVENT...

LORD, YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER LOOKIN' IN PERSON.

- FOLKS, YOU HAVE JUST WITNESSED A MEDICAL MIRACLE.

APPARENTLY I'M BETTER LOOKING

JUST BY WALKING UP TO THIS BOOTH.

WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY CAN DO FOR YOU!

- AND...WE'RE OUT.

- OH, I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

I'M SORRY. - OH, NO, YOU WERE GREAT!

LOOK, MAXINE. I GOTTA TAPE ANOTHER SEGMENT.

BUT, UH, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU SOME MORE.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

- HERE'S HER NUMBERS. HOME, WORK, AND BEEPER.

I'D ADVISE YOU TO GET YOUR BID IN EARLY FOR FRIDAY NIGHT.

- THAT'S ENOUGH, LAVERNE.

- UM, I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL REAL SOON.

BYE. - BYE.

- SO YOU TWO GONNA HAVE A BIG WEDDIN',

OR JUST ELOPE?

- OH, PLEASE. THE MAN WAS JUST BEING KIND.

BESIDES, I DON'T CARE IF HE CALLS OR NOT.

- MAX.

YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOUR BEEPER A QUICK CALL,

MAKE SURE IT'S WORKING?

- COULD YOU? - YEAH, SURE.

- DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE--

- SOPHIA, ARE YOU ALMOST DONE WITH THAT GAME?

I NEED THE COMPUTER.

- WHAT GAME?

I'M WRITING A LETTER TO THE PHONE COMPANY.

- SORRY, I'M ON A PRETTY TIGHT DEADLINE.

I HAVE TO FINISH THIS ARTICLE ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS.

- OH, THE LAST TIME I MADE A RESOLUTION WAS 1968.

I RESOLVED TO LOSE AN INCH A YEAR.

I MEANT FROM MY HIPS.

- CHARLIE, PLEASE. MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE A NEAT INVENTION?

A BEER CAN WHERE THE WHOLE TOP COMES OFF SO YOU CAN DUNK.

- GOOD IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME AND WORK ON IT?

- HEY, NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS. YOU WANNA HEAR MINE?

- NO.

- I RESOLVE TO END ALL WARS AND FEED THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD.

- GET REAL.

- OKAY, THEN.

I RESOLVE TO BOINK MORE CANADIANS.

- SAVE YOUR BREATH, SOPHIA.

IT'S NOT AS IF THE BOOB HAS ENOUGH SELF-DISCIPLINE

TO KEEP A REAL RESOLUTION.

- LOOK WHO'S TALKING.

MISS I-NEVER-MET-A-DIET I-COULDN'T-CHEAT-ON.

- WELL, WITH ALL THE FOOD YOU EAT AROUND HERE,

I DON'T NEED ONE, MOOCH.

- POOCH.

- PARASITE.

- PARASAIL.

- HEY, YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE.

SETTLE THIS LIKE ADULTS.

BET MONEY.

- GOOD IDEA.

20 BUCKS.

WHAT ARE WE BETTING ON?

- YOU KNOW, THAT IS A GOOD IDEA, SOPHIA.

CHARLIE...

I'LL BET YOU CAN'T GO A WEEK WITHOUT MOOCHING.

- YOU'RE ON. - HA!

WAIT TILL DADDY HEARS THIS.

- AND I BET YOU CAN'T GO A WEEK WITHOUT CALLING YOUR DADDY...

DADDY.

- OH, SHALL I TAKE THE MONEY NOW?

- NO, I WILL.

THAT WAY YOU KNOW IT'S IN A SAFE PLACE.

NOW, SHAKE HANDS. I WANT A CLEAN FIGHT.

NO HITTING BELOW THE BELT. NO SPITTING, NO SMOKING.

AND DON'T TALK TO THE DRIVER WHILE THE BUS IS IN MOTION.

- GARCON.

POUR VOUS, MERCI.

- SO, YOU SPEAK FRENCH.

- WELL, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS.

BUT THAT AND $20 MAKES THEM GO AWAY EVERY TIME.

SO, DR. MAXINE DOUGLAS.

DID YOU ALWAYS WANNA BE A DOCTOR?

- EVER SINCE I REALIZED MY INITIALS WERE "M.D."

- OH, HEY. HOW YOU DOIN'.

HI THERE. HEH-HEH.

- FRIENDS OF YOURS?

- WELL, IN A WAY. YOU KNOW, FANS.

OH, HI. NICE HAIRCUT.

CUTE SWEATER.

KEEP WATCHING.

- LEAVE US ALONE.

SO DOES THIS HAPPEN EVERYWHERE YOU GO?

- WELL--

- EXCUSE US, BO. COULD WE GET A PICTURE?

- MAXINE, DO YOU MIND?

- WE LOVE YOU, BO.

YOU TREAT HIM RIGHT, NOW.

- I'LL TRY.

IF I EVER GET THE CHANCE.

- I'M SORRY, MAXINE.

I KNOW THAT THIS FAN STUFF CAN GET PRETTY DISTRACTING.

- A LITTLE.

- WELL, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO INTERFERE

WITH US GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER.

- MAY I HAVE MY HAND BACK?

I NEED ONE OF MY FINGERS.

- ALL RIGHT. GOOD FOR MAXINE.

- WHAT'S GOOD FOR MAXINE?

- "LET THE SKY PRECIPITATE, I DON'T CARE, MY MAXINE'S GREAT."

- OH, GEEZ.

HE MUST HAVE LEFT A DOZEN OF THESE

DORKY RHYMES ON MY MACHINE THIS MORNING.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

- HE LIKES YOU.

- WELL, HE SHOULDN'T.

TOLD HIM LAST NIGHT I WASN'T INTERESTED.

HE'S JUST A PHONY CELEBRITY.

[phone ringing]

- CANAL STREET CLINIC.

OH, HI.

IT'S YOUR BEAU, BO.

YEAH, SHE'S RIGHT HERE.

UH-HUH.

OH, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. BYE-BYE.

HE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU EITHER.

- WELL, GOOD.

HE JUST WANTS YOU TO TURN ON THE TV IN EXACTLY 30 SECONDS.

- LAVERNE, WE DON'T HAVE A TV.

- WE DO NOW.

BO HAD IT DELIVERED THIS MORNING.

- WHAT?

OH, MY GOD.

- WHOA! STEREO!

- LISTEN TO THIS.

"BECAUSE YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME,

HERE'S A 19-INCH TV."

I THINK THAT IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING.

- HE'S JUST SHOWING OFF.

- [TV newswoman] AND THAT ACCIDENT ON I-95

HAS JUST BEEN CLEARED.

BACK TO YOU, BO.

- THANKS, TRAFFIC TERRY.

AND NOW FOR THE WEATHER.

SUNNY, SUNNY, STICKY, STICKY.

SUNNY, SUNNY...HURRICANE.

STICKY, STICKY, SUNNY.

WHY DO WE LIVE HERE?

WELL, I KNOW WHY I DO.

DR. MAXINE DOUGLAS.

- AAH!

THAT'S MY DRIVER'S LICENSE PICTURE.

HOW DID YOU GET THAT?

- AND THANKS TO MY PALS EDUARDO AND ERNIE

DOWN AT THE DMV.

NOW BACK TO THE WEATHER.

WELL, IT SEEMS A SEVERE COLD FRONT HAS DEVELOPED

BETWEEN MAXINE AND ME.

APPARENTLY SHE HASN'T DISCOVERED THE CHARM

THAT YOU, MY LOYAL FANS, HAVE COME TO KNOW AND LOVE.

I JUST WISH THAT THERE WAS SOME WAY YOU

COULD LET HER KNOW THAT I'M AN OKAY GUY.

GEE, I--I WONDER HOW YOU COULD DO THAT?

[phone ringing]

- WE WOULDN'T BE GETTING READY TO MOOCH, WOULD WE?

- NO, ACTUALLY.

SMOOCH.

SEE YOU SOON.

[oven timer ringing]

- OH, MY CINNAMON BUNS ARE READY.

- CINNAMON BUNS?

- YES, MY SWEET, SOFT CINNAMON BUNS.

BURSTING WITH PECANS,

AND DRIPPING WITH EXTRA CREAMY ICING.

- YOU KNOW, IF YOU OFFERED ME ONE IT WOULDN'T BE MOOCHING.

- YES, I'VE THOUGHT OF THAT.

MMM.

YOU KNOW, I'VE MADE SO MANY, REALLY.

WHAT'S THE HARM?

DREYFIE!

HERE YOU GO.

CINNAMON BUNS, CINNAMON BUNS.

WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO.

- OH, I SMELL CINNAMON BUNS!

- HELP YOURSELF, DAA--AMN IT, THEY'RE HOT!

- I'M SURPRISED THERE ARE ANY LEFT WITH CHARLIE HERE.

- I ATE YESTERDAY...DADDY.

- WHAT'S WITH YOU TWO?

- NOTHING, DAA--ABNEY COLEMAN.

YOU KNOW, IN A CERTAIN LIGHT YOU LOOK

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE DABNEY COLEMAN.

- YEAH, I...I... I GET THAT ALL THE TIME.

COME ON, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

- CAROL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL DADDY ABOUT OUR BET?

- ALL RIGHT, I WILL.

BUT FIRST GET DAA-- MAN OVER DER SOME MILK.

- OKAY.

[heavy breathing]

- OKAY, THANK YOU.

WOW, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

IT'S LIKE HE HAS THE WHOLE CITY AFTER HER TO GO OUT WITH HIM.

- I AIN'T SEEN THIS MANY FLOWERS SINCE VELMA TUCKER DIED.

- SHE MUST HAVE BEEN VERY, VERY POPULAR.

- NO, SHE JUST DIED IN A FLOWER SHOP.

HEY, I'LL PUT THESE IN SOME WATER.

- ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

- BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH HIM.

NOW TAKE THESE PILLS THREE TIMES A DAY,

AND MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.

HERE, HAVE A PLANT.

[phone ringing]

- CANAL STREET CLINIC.

OH, HI, BO. HOW ARE--HOLD ON.

MAXINE, COME ON. COME ON.

HE'S BEEN CALLING FOR TWO DAYS.

- I DON'T CARE, HE'S A NUT. I'M NOT GOING OUT WITH HIM.

- FINE, WHAT SHOULD I TELL HIM? - TELL HIM I'M BUSY.

TELL HIM I'M INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE.

TELL HIM I'M SLEEPING WITH YOU.

- MAXINE IS NOT HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU CALL BACK LATER? I'LL TELL HER YOU CALLED.

- DON'T BOTHER, I'LL TELL HER MYSELF.

HI, MAXINE.

I CALLED.

- WELL, YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER.

- WELL, I THINK SHE'S WARMING UP TO ME.

- OH, GAH, BO. YOU ARE A PERSISTENT MAN.

- WELL, I REALLY LIKE HER. BUT EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG.

- BO, LISTEN. MAXINE IS A VERY PRIVATE PERSON.

- OH, SO PUTTING HER PICTURE ON TELEVISION WAS A BAD IDEA, HUH?

- LET ME PUT THIS IN MEDICAL TERMS.

SHE WANTED TO RETURN THAT TV SET TO YOU.

IN A WAY THAT WOULD HAVE CAUSED YOU GREAT DISCOMFORT.

- OH, TONIGHT'S THE BIG NIGHT, HUH?

- IT'S JUST A LOUSY SECOND DATE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET HARRY TALK ME INTO THIS.

- AW, YOU'RE JUST NERVOUS.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

BEFORE EVERY DATE I USED TO BREAK OUT.

HAD TO.

MY DADDY LOCKED ME IN MY ROOM.

- HELLO, SUNSHINE.

- OH...BO.

HI.

- LOOK, MAXINE.

THANKS FOR GIVING ME A SECOND CHANCE.

I PROMISE YOU, YOU WILL NOT REGRET THIS.

THESE ARE FOR YOU.

- FLOWERS.

HOW NICE.

NOW I HAVE ENOUGH FOR A FLOAT.

- SO I THOUGHT THAT WE WOULD GO SOMEWHERE

WHERE WE WILL NOT BE BOTHERED.

- WHERE?

- RIGHT HERE.

BO, TELL THE LADY WHAT SHE'S WON.

[with host voice] WHY, THANK YOU, BO!

MAXINE IS BEING WHISKED AWAY TO...

THE FLOOR!

FOR A ROMANTIC EVENING WITH CHAMPAGNE,

CHEESE, PATE, MORE CHEESE,

AND THESE LITTLE PICKLE THINGIES!

- YOU GOT ANY CHOCOLATE IN THERE, I MIGHT STAY.

- [normal voice] BABY, I'M YOUR CHOCOLATE.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S A MILKY WAY.

- I'M SERIOUS, THE NEIGHBOR'S DOG IS MAKING FUN OF DREYFUSS.

I'LL TELL YOU HOW.

SHE JUST SITS THERE, SMIRKING AT HIM.

ANYWAY, DREYFUSS IS THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE SMIRKING.

WE HAVE THE SWIMMING POOL.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

BYE, DADDY.

OOPS.

OH, WHAT THE HELL.

THE IDIOT ISN'T HERE.

- THE IDIOT IS TOO!

I HEARD THAT.

HA! YOU LOSE.

- DAMN IT, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BEAT ME!

- HA, HA, HA!

- CHARLIE...

IS THAT BEER ON YOUR BREATH?

- NO.

- THEN WHAT IS THAT?

- A BEER GUT?

- SO WHILE I WAS ON THE PHONE,

YOU CHEATED FIRST.

- YEAH, BUT I CAUGHT YOU FIRST.

- CHEATER! - LIAR!

- WEAKLING! - GIRL.

- HEY.

KEEP IT DOWN, I JUST GOT SCOTTY TO SLEEP.

- I'M SORRY, SOPHIA.

- HEY, THE BET'S OFF. GIVE US OUR MONEY BACK.

- THE BET WAS ON FOR A WEEK.

DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE ANY SELF-CONTROL?

- APPARENTLY NOT.

- ME NEITHER, I LOST YOUR MONEY AT THE TRACK.

- SO IF WE WERE OUTSIDE,

SAGITTARIUS THE ARCHER WOULD BE OVER THERE

BY THE SMOKE ALARM.

AND THE VIRGIN VIRGO, WOULD BE OVER THERE.

- BY THAT SPRINKLER HEAD?

- UH-HUH.

SEE, LEGEND HAS IT THAT SAGITTARIUS

HAS BEEN CHASING VIRGO FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS.

AND WHEN HE FINALLY CATCHES HER,

EVERYBODY ON EARTH IS GONNA FALL IN LOVE.

- OH, THAT'S ROMANTIC.

IT'S A LOT OF HOOEY, BUT IT'S ROMANTIC.

- SO, UH, YOU WANNA MAKE A WISH ON THE SMOKE ALARM?

- OKAY.

- [chuckling]

- WHAT DID YOU WISH FOR?

- OH, I CAN'T TELL. IT WON'T COME TRUE.

HEY, THIS HOOEY WORKS.

- YOU KNOW, BO, I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU

I'M HAVING A REAL NICE TIME.

- SO AM I.

- I CAN'T GET OVER HOW DIFFERENT YOU ARE

AWAY FROM ALL THE FANS AND CAMERAS.

- NEITHER CAN I.

I HAVEN'T SIGNED AN AUTOGRAPH ALL NIGHT.

AND LOOK, MY HAND'S NOT EVEN SHAKING.

- YEAH, YOU'RE DOING FINE.

BUT, UH, YOUR PULSE IS RACING.

- REALLY?

- IT'S OKAY.

SO IS MINE.

- [chuckling]

SO DOES THIS MEAN THAT THERE WILL BE A THIRD DATE?

- I'D SAY THERE'S A 99% PROBABILITY.

- [laughing]

OH, NO! THE WEATHER!

I GOTTA DO MY FORECAST!

- CAN YOU COME BACK?

- BETTER YET,

WHY DON'T I DO THE FORECAST FROM HERE?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- YEAH, I CAN PAGE MY CREW. THEY'LL BE HERE IN FIVE MINUTES.

- NO. - YES.

TRUST ME ON THIS, MAXINE. THIS WILL BE GREAT TELEVISION.

- SO THIS WHOLE EVENING HAS BEEN

SOME CHEAP STUNT TO BOOST YOUR RATINGS?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I ALMOST FELL FOR YOU.

- OH, MAXINE, WAIT.

- HARRY! GET IN HERE!

YOU'RE FAMOUS!

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HEY, IT'S THE CLINIC!

- AND THAT'S THE WEATHER FOR TODAY.

AND A 20% CHANCE OF SHOWERS ON FRIDAY.

- MY COFFEE MUG.

LOOKS BIGGER ON TV.

- NOW ON A PERSONAL NOTE.

I HAVE AN UPDATE

ON THE BO MERCURY, MAXINE DOUGLAS STORY.

- BO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I TOLD YOU, SHE HATES THIS!

- TONIGHT, MAXINE AND I HAD OUR SECOND DATE.

SO YOU CAN STOP THE CALLS AND THE FLOWERS AND THE BALLOONS.

BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS...

WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON.

- [crying] THAT'S THE SADDEST THING.

IS THERE NO ROMANCE IN THE WORLD ANYMORE?

POOR GUY.

LET'S GET HIM A HOOKER.

- AND...CLEAR.

- WELL, THAT'S THAT.

WHAT'D YOU THINK?

- YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

VERY CONVINCING.

NOW MAYBE THEY'LL GIVE US SOME PRIVACY.

- PRIVACY WORKS.

AS LONG AS I GET TO SHARE IT WITH YOU.

- OKAY BOYS, HIT IT.

JUST WANTED TO SAY HI.

- HI.

- OKAY, TAKE ME DOWN, BOYS.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0