Original subtitles

- COME ON, SCOTTY.

JUST TRY ONE BITE.

EVERYBODY LOVES GRANDPA'S FAMOUS FRENCH TOAST.

MM-MM-MM.

HI, SOPHIA.

- SO HOW'S MY BOYFRIEND

WITH THE LITTLE TUSHIE THAT'S CUTE ENOUGH TO BITE?

- ACTUALLY, SCOTTY UH, WON'T EAT HIS BREAKFAST.

- I WAS TALKING TO YOU, SWEET CHEEKS.

- YOU KNOW, SOPHIA, IF I WERE A FEW YEARS OLDER...

- YOUR DAUGHTER WOULD STILL BE LIVING WITH YOU.

- GOOD MORNING, LOVES OF MY LIFE.

- OH.

- AND THAT INCLUDES YOU, SOPHIA-KINS,

MY FAVORITE MATURE PERSON.

- KISS ME, AND I'LL SLUG YOU.

- WELL, DEAR, YOU SEEM CHIPPER.

- DOES MY EBULLIENCE SHOW?

- WITH A SKIRT THAT SHORT, EVERYTHING SHOWS.

- WELL, I SUPPOSE MY MOOD METER IS SET ON GIDDY.

YOU SEE, I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY.

- [laughing]

A JOB?

- YES, DADDY.

I'M GONNA BE A NEWSPAPER REPORTER.

- AND I'M GONNA BE A POWER RANGER.

- SERIOUSLY, SOPHIA.

THE DADE COUNTRY CRIER IS LOOKING FOR A WRITER.

IT'S THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY FOR A YUPPIE MOMMY LIKE ME.

OR, AS I'VE COINED IT,

A "YUMMY."

- UH, DEAR, DON'T YOU THINK

THEY MIGHT WANT SOMEONE WITH, YOU KNOW, EXPERIENCE?

- DADDY, DON'T YOU REMEMBER

IN HIGH SCHOOL I PUBLISHED MY OWN UNDERGROUND NEWSPAPER?

YOU BOUGHT ME THAT MIMEOGRAPH MACHINE.

- AH, YES, YOU PUT OUT TWO ISSUES,

AND THEN YOU GOT A BOYFRIEND.

- AND THEN SHE JUST PUT OUT.

- LIFE GOES ON

AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE

WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE

I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL

AS LIFE GOES ON

- HARD BODY AT 11:00.

HI. - HI.

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST SET THAT OVER THERE?

- OKAY.

- ALTHOUGH, CLOSER TO THE COOLER

MIGHT BE MORE CONVENIENT.

HMM.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, LAVERNE?

- OH, WHO CARES?

- SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, MAXINE.

- LAVERNE, I THOUGHT YOU LOVED TO PLAY

MAKE-THE-WATER-GUY- SHOW-US-HIS-HINEY.

- OH, WHAT'S THE POINT?

HE'S PROBABLY NO DIFFERENT THAN THE REST OF 'EM.

JUST A BUNCH OF EAR PICKIN', REMOTE CONTROL HOGGIN',

STINK-UP-YOUR-TRUCK WITH-THEIR-CHEAP-COLOGNE

SMELLIN' ANIMALS.

- BAD DATE LAST NIGHT?

- YOU TELL ME.

THE CHARMER I WAS WITH BOUGHT ME A CHEESEBURGER,

THEN BLEW HIS NOSE IN THE WRAPPER.

- SMOOTH.

- I SWEAR, I AM THE QUEEN OF BAD DATES.

- IF THERE'S A LOSER WITHIN 20 MILE,

HE WILL FIND ME, ASK ME OUT, BORE ME TO TEARS,

ASK ME OUT AGAIN AND THE SICK PART IS I'LL GO.

HENCE, I HAVE DECIDED I AM THROUGH WITH MEN.

- OKAY.

- AND WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT,

WHAT IS THE POINT OF DATIN'?

- FREE DINNER AND SEX?

- HEY, FOXY LADIES.

- THEN AGAIN, NO DINNER COULD POSSIBLY TASTE THAT GOOD.

- WHY ARE YOU HERE?

- ACTUALLY, BEST FRIEND O' MINE,

I AM TAKING YOU TO A TOM JONES CONCERT TONIGHT.

- REALLY?

WHY?

- WELL, I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO WITH MY OTHER BUD,

BUD,

BUT HE'S GOTTA PICK UP TRASH ON I-95

AS PART OF HIS COMMUNITY SERVICE.

BUT SINCE WHEN ARE YOU A TOM JONES FAN?

- WELL, SINCE I REALIZED

MOST OF HIS OTHER FANS ARE HORNY BABES,

WHO ARE EASY PICKINGS FOR A TOM JONES LOOK-ALIKE.

- BUT YOU DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE TOM JONES.

- THAT'S WHY BUD IS LENDING YOU

HIS SKINTIGHT TUX PANTS AND CHEST HAIR WIG.

- FORGET IT, CHARLEY. I'M NOT GOING.

GO FIND YOURSELF ANOTHER TOM.

- OH, WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

YOU ASK YOUR FRIEND ONE LITTLE FAVOR.

NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO WEAR THE SALAMI IN MY PANTS.

- GET AWAY FROM ME.

- UM, DOCTOR, I HAVE A MAJOR FAVOR TO ASK YOU.

- SURE, LAVERNE, ANYTHING.

- IF I CATCH A BUS RIGHT NOW,

I'LL HAVE JUST ENOUGH TIME

TO PICK UP MY TRUCK AT THE GARAGE.

- WELL, GO AHEAD. I GOT THIS COVERED.

- LAVERNE, I'M GOING THAT WAY. I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT.

- ARE YOU SURE? I DON'T WANNA PUT YOU TO ANY TROUBLE.

- OH, IT'S NO TROUBLE.

JUST KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED FOR A SALAMI SHOP.

- EXCUSE ME.

IS THIS 111 1/2 BLYTHE STREET?

- YEAH. YOU WANNA SEND A FAX?

- UH, NO.

- RENT A MAILBOX, HAVE A KEY MADE,

SPONSOR A THIRD-WORLD ORPHAN?

- OH, NO, NO. I'M--I'M SORRY.

I MUST BE IN THE WRONG PLACE.

I'M LOOKING FOR THE DADE COUNTRY CRIER.

- CLASSIFIEDS ARE A BUCK A LINE,

PERSONALS ARE FREE.

UNLESS YOU'RE A PRO.

IN WHICH CASE I'M BENNETT BRAXTON,

PUBLISHER, EDITOR, AND BOUDOIR PHOTOGRAPHER.

- OH, THAT'S-- THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.

REALLY, BUT, UH...

I'M HERE FOR THE REPORTER'S JOB.

I'M CAROL WESTON.

WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.

THE SINGLE MOM.

- OH, RIGHT,

THE "YUMMY."

- HERE'S MY RESUME.

NOW, I KNOW IT DOESN'T SHOW

A VERY IMPRESSIVE BACKGROUND IN JOURNALISM.

- OR REALLY MUCH OF ANYTHING.

- BUT THE ONE THING I PROMISE I CAN BRING TO THE CRIER

IS PASSION,

A PASSION FOR ALL THAT IS FIT TO PRINT.

YOU SEE, I LOVE NEWSPAPERS.

- SO, WHEN CAN YOU START?

- WHAT?

YOU'RE OFFERING ME THE JOB?

OH, MR. BRAXTON, THIS IS SO WONDERFUL

I COULD HUG YOU.

P-P-PERHAPS I'LL JUST...

I'LL SCREAM INSTEAD.

[shrieks, laughs]

- TIMMY, I WANT YOU TO MEET SOMEBODY.

- MR. BRAXTON, I PROMISE YOU WON'T REGRET THIS.

- THIS IS CAROL, YOUR NEW ASSISTANT.

- WHAT?

- NOT BAD.

YOU'RE ABOUT A "C" CUP, RIGHT?

- I'M SORRY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- IT'S THAT DAMN HOWARD STERN.

HE'S GOT ALL THE KIDS TALKING LIKE THAT.

- NO. I MEAN, ABOUT THE JOB.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIRING ME TO BE A REPORTER.

- NO, TIMMY'S MY REPORTER.

YOU'RE HIS DRIVER.

- I'LL GIVE YOU A BUCK

IF YOU LET ME SIT ON YOUR LAP AND STEER.

- MR. BRAXTON,

I DID NOT COME ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE

TO PLAY CHAUFFEUR TO SOME FOUL-MOUTHED CHILD.

- THIS FOUL-MOUTHED CHILD

HAPPENS TO BE A JOURNALISTIC GENIUS.

NOT TO MENTION HIS FATHER OWNS

THE LARGEST APPLIANCE STORE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

BY THE WAY, YOU PITCH YOUR OLD MAN

ON THAT FOUR-PAGE SUPPLEMENT YET?

- GET BENT.

- TAKE YOUR TIME ON THAT ONE, TIMBO.

TEMPERAMENTAL LITTLE BASTARD,

BUT HE WRITES HIS TUCHUS OFF.

YOU TWO ARE GONNA MAKE A HELL OF A TEAM.

- NO, WE WON'T. I'M NOT TAKING THE JOB.

- WHAT?

YOU'RE THUMBING YOUR NOSE

AT LEARNING THE BIZ FROM ONE OF THE BEST?

DO YOU RECOGNIZE THAT?

- OH, MY GOD.

IS THAT A PULITZER?

- ACTUALLY, IT'S A FOOLITZER.

A LITTLE NOVELTY ITEM I'M TRYING TO MARKET.

BUT THE POINT IS...

I'VE BEEN A NEWSMAN FOR OVER 20 YEARS.

I COULD TEACH YOU HOW TO EARN ONE OF THE REAL THINGS.

OR I COULD TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE ONE.

- I DON'T KNOW.

IT JUST SEEMS SO ENTRY LEVEL.

- HEY, WHAT OTHER RAG'S GONNA HIRE YOU?

- WOULD I GET TO WEAR ONE OF THOSE CUTE LITTLE FEDORAS

WITH THE PRESS CARD ON IT?

- YOU KEEP WEARING SKIRTS THAT SHORT,

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU PUT ON YOUR HEAD.

- IT'S NOT UNUSUAL TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE

WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA

IT'S NOT UNUSUAL--

HEY, DR. DOUGLAS.

- IF YOU EXPECT ME TO THROW MY PANTIES AT YOU,

YOU'RE SADLY MISTAKEN.

- I'M SORRY.

I ALWAYS SING THE DAY AFTER I'VE BEEN TO A CONCERT.

- YOU WENT TO A TOM JONES CONCERT?

- DOCTOR, A WOMAN DOES NOT LIVE BY CLINT BLACK ALONE.

BESIDES, CHARLEY HAD AN EXTRA TICKET.

- CHARLEY?

CHARLEY DIETZ AND YOU ON A DATE?

- IT WAS NOT A DATE,

WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME.

LORDY, WATCHING THAT MAN WIGGLE AROUND

IN THEM SKINTIGHT PANTS WITH HIS SHIRT UNDONE

TO HIS BELLY BUTTON

GAVE ME A WICKED CASE OF THE GIGGLES.

- YEAH, I GUESS TOM JONES IS PRETTY CAMPY.

- I'S TALKIN' 'BOUT CHARLEY.

LORD, THAT MAN WAS SO FUNNY LAST NIGHT.

THAT BOY IS OUT OF HIS MIND.

- WON'T GET ANY ARGUMENT HERE.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU HATED CHARLEY.

- I DO NOT HATE ANYONE.

- EXCEPT FOR YANKEES WHO SAY "Y'ALL."

- THAT IS A PEEVE, NOT A HATE.

NOW, I DON'T RECALL INVITIN' YOU INTO THIS CONVERSATION.

- A LITTLE TOUCHY THIS MORNING, AREN'T Y'ALL?

- COULD BE 'CAUSE SHE WENT A-DATIN' LAST NIGHT

WITH A FELLER NAMED CHARLEY.

- [choking]

YOU...

YOU HAD A DATE WITH CHARLEY?

- IT WAS NOT A DATE.

AND IT'S "Y'ALL," NOT "YA'ALL."

- WHAT'S WITH HER?

- SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S GOT A NEW BOYFRIEND.

- CHARLEY? THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

MAXINE, COME ON.

WHAT COULD SHE POSSIBLY SEE IN HIM?

- WELL, LET'S SEE.

HE'S INCONSIDERATE, HAS A DEAD-END JOB,

AND HE'S DUMB AS A STUMP.

HELL, I'M SURPRISED I'M NOT DATIN' HIM.

- MORNING, DADDY.

- MORNING, DEAR.

BOY, THIS EDITORIAL IS--IS FASCINATING.

THAT KID YOU'RE WORKING FOR IS ONE TERRIFIC WRITER.

- ACTUALLY, I WORK WITH, NOT FOR TIMMY.

[beeping]

THAT'S WEIRD. I THOUGHT I HEARD IT GO.

- NO, IT'S MINE.

IT'S A GIFT FROM TIMMY, THE BOY WONDER.

PROBABLY FORGOT HIS LUNCH AGAIN.

OR MAYBE HE WANTS TO PARADE ME

IN FRONT OF HIS GEEKY LITTLE FRIENDS

AND ANNOUNCE MY AGE.

WELL, THE JOKE'S ON HIM.

I LIED.

- THAT'S SHOWING HIM.

- OH, DADDY, LISTEN TO ME.

I WANTED TO BE A REPORTER.

INSTEAD, I'M PLAYING VALET

TO SOME OVER-HORMONED DELINQUENT.

COULD LIFE GET ANY MORE INSANE?

- CAROL...

- SEE? I TOLD YOU THEY'D BE UP.

- MORNIN', Y'ALL.

- WHY IF IT ISN'T CHARLEY AND LAVERNE.

DADDY?

- YES, DEAR. IT'S-- IT'S CHARLEY AND--

AND LAVERNE.

- I'M REALLY SORRY TO BARGE IN LIKE THIS,

BUT, CAROL, DO YOU THINK I COULD BORROW YOUR PAIR OF JEANS?

- WELL, OF COURSE, LAVERNE.

AND PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO TAKE A SHOWER, TOO.

A NICE DISINFECTING, AMNESIA-INDUCING SHOWER.

- NO, REALLY, HON, I JUST NEED SOME PANTS.

OH, FUMBLE FINGERS HERE

SPILT TRANSMISSION FLUID ALL OVER MINE.

- [laughing]

TRANSMISSION FLUID?

SO YOU TWO WERE JUST WORKING ON A CAR.

- WELL, YEAH, WHAT'D YOU THINK WE WAS DOIN'?

- THAT.

- CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, HARRY?

I TOOK HER TO A CONCERT, AND SHE REBUILT MY TRANSMISSION.

- THAT'S JUST THE WAY WE SOUTHERNERS ARE.

YOU DO SOMETHIN' NICE FOR US,

AND WE WILL RETURN THE FAVOR TEN-FOLD.

- YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH, LAVERNE?

- YOU ARE SUCH A KIDDER.

- I AM, AREN'T I?

- YOU KNOW, THIS CORN BALL KEPT ME UP TILL 2:00 AM

WITH HIS LAME JOKES,

AND THEN HE WOULDN'T LET ME GO HOME.

- OH, REALLY? REALLY?

- CALL ME A WORRYWART,

BUT I DON'T THINK A HALF-DRESSED LADY

SHOULD BE ON THE ROAD AT THAT HOUR.

- OF COURSE, SHE'D BE MUCH SAFER AT YOUR HOUSE.

- CHARLEY, LIVING ROOM, NOW.

- OH, SURE, HARRY. AS SOON AS I FINISH MY--

- JUST GIVE ME THAT AND YOU COME WITH ME.

- UM, CAROL, HON, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD FETCH THEM PANTS?

MY LEGS IS STARTIN' TO GET A CHILL.

- OH, LAVERNE.

YOU POOR, SWEET, NAIVE, COUNTRY MOUSE OF A WOMAN.

- 'SCUSE ME?

- PERHAPS IF I FRAME THIS

IN ONE OF THOSE COLORFUL METAPHORS

YOU RURAL FOLK ARE SO FACILE AT INVENTING.

LET'S PRETEND YOU'RE A LITTLE BABY POSSUM.

DELICATE, INNOCENT,

YET ANXIOUS TO EXPERIENCE THE WORLD.

SO ONE DAY YOU BLITHELY VENTURE ONTO THE INTERSTATE

UNAWARE THAT AN UGLY, DIESEL-BELTHCHING 18-WHEELER

WE'LL CALL CHARLEY

IS BARRELING TOWARD YOU.

- ARE YOU CALLIN' ME ROAD KILL?

- LAVERNE IS LIKE A DAUGHTER TO ME.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

- SHE'S GONNA MOVE IN AND START SPONGING OFF YOU?

- HEY, CHARLEY. WE STILL ON FOR TONIGHT?

- I WOULDN'T MISS IT, BABE.

- SEE YOU LATER, HON.

- HON AND BABE.

CHARLEY, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE.

THIS IS SOME SNEAKY, SLEAZY PLAN OF YOURS

TO GET HER INTO BED.

- NUH-UH.

WE'RE JUST FRIENDS, HARRY.

LAVERNE AND I HAVE BEEN HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME TOGETHER,

I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF BOINKIN' HER.

BUT FOR ARGUMENT SAKE,

HOW'D THAT SLEAZY PLAN GO AGAIN?

- [phone ringing]

- DADE COUNTY CRIER.

OH, YOU WANNA PLACE A PERSONAL?

ALL RIGHT.

GO AHEAD.

"SICILIAN SPITFIRE SEEKS CHAIN-SMOKER

"WITH SUBSTANTIAL LIFE INSURANCE POLICY.

FATTIES WELCOME."

SOPHIA, IS THAT YOU?

MR. BRAXTON,

HOW ARE YOU THIS FINE AFTERNOON?

- CROCKED.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY DAIQUIRIS IT TAKES

TO GET A DRY CLEANER TO SPRING FOR A FULL-PAGE AD?

- I HAVE NO IDEA.

- NEITHER DO I.

WHERE THE HELL IS TIMMY?

- I DON'T KNOW. HE WASN'T THERE

WHEN I WENT TO PICK HIM UP AFTER SCHOOL.

- HE WAS SUPPOSED TO COVER THAT SWIMMING POOL DEDICATION.

- I KNOW.

- GREAT.

WE'RE GOING TO PRESS IN A HALF HOUR.

I'LL KILL HIM.

- HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

WHEN I COULDN'T FIND YOUNG TIMMY,

I WENT AHEAD TO THE SWIMMING POOL DEDICATION

AND JOTTED DOWN A FEW NOTES.

- CAROL, THIS IS BRILLIANT.

- REALLY? YOU THINK SO?

- SMELL MY BREATH.

I'D THINK A SIZZLER MENU WAS BRILLIANT.

HERE, GET THIS TO THE PRINTER.

I GOTTA TAKE A NAP.

- SO, I'M BEING PUBLISHED.

MY WORDS ARE SHOWING UP IN PRINT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS

TO A STRUGGLING YOUNG WRITER LIKE MYSELF?

- [snoring]

- I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES.

TIMMY!

THANK GOD. YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

- CAROL, WHERE WERE YOU?

I'VE BEEN PAGING YOU ALL DAY.

- OOPS. IT'S TURNED OFF.

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW INEPT WE GALS ARE

WHEN IT COMES TO ELECTRONICS.

- YOU SET ME UP.

- LET'S JUST CALL IT PAYBACK

FOR TELLING YOUR PIMPLY-FACED CHUMS I'M A MOANER.

- IF THAT'S TIMMY, ASK HIM IF HIS OLD MAN'S BUYING SPACE.

- MY OLD MAN SOLD HIS STORE.

- IF THAT'S TIMMY, TELL HIM HE'S FIRED.

- TOUGH BREAK, KID.

NOW, IF YOU'LL, UH, STEP ASIDE,

I'M ON MY WAY TO A CAREER.

OH, AND, TIMBO,

HERE.

GO BEEP YOURSELF.

- TSK, OH, CHARLEY, THIS IS NICE.

- YEAH, I'VE BEEN COMING HERE FOR YEARS.

IT'S A GREAT PLACE TO UNWIND.

- GUESS YOU UNWOUND A LITTLE BIT TOO FAR LAST TIME.

HEY, COME ON.

GAME OF EIGHT-BALL HELP TAKE THE STING OUT.

- YOU KNOW, LAVERNE,

I'M REAL GLAD YOU SHOWED UP TONIGHT.

- WELL, WHY WOULDN'T I?

- WELL, YOU KNOW, THE WAY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TALKING,

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT FEEL KINDA WEIRD BEING SEEN WITH ME.

- CHARLEY, I DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK.

I DO NOT CARE WHO SEES US.

OH, MY GOD, NOT SOPHIA. QUICK. TURN AROUND.

- WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE LOVEBIRDS.

I HEARD YOU TWO WERE AN ITEM.

- SOPHIA, WE ARE NOT AN ITEM.

HONESTLY, I DO NOT KNOW HOW THESE RUMORS GET STARTED.

- HEY...

COME HERE.

NURSEY AND CRUISE BOY ARE GROOVING ON THE LOVE THING.

PASS IT ON.

- CHARLEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND BREAK?

- OKAY.

- I THINK IT ONLY FAIR TO WARN YOU

THAT, UH... [clearing her throat]

I HAPPEN TO BE QUITE GOOD.

- AND YOU HAPPEN TO BE A HELL OF A LOT BETTER.

WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO SHOOT LIKE THAT?

- I WAS PRACTICALLY RAISED ON ONE OF THESE THINGS.

- NO KIDDIN'?

- YUP.

MY PARENTS KEPT ME LOCKED

IN THE CELLAR TILL I WAS 12.

MOST KIDS HAD A DOG,

I HAD A POOL TABLE.

CALLED IT SPOT.

OOPS.

- HEY, HUSTLER, YOU MISSED.

- OR WAS I JUST BEING POLITE?

- NO, YOU MISSED.

NOW I'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT'S REALLY DONE.

SEE? THAT'S HOW YOU MISS. DAMN.

- YOU'RE MOVING YOUR CUE TOO MUCH.

HERE. LET ME SHOW YOU.

FIRST THING YOU GOTTA DO

IS YOU GOTTA HOLD THE STICK SO IT FEELS BALANCED.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, JUST MOVE IT BACK AND FORTH.

- BACK AND FORTH. - BACK AND FORTH.

- BACK AND FORTH. - THAT'S IT.

- BACK AND FORTH.

- OKAY, NOW SHOOT.

- BACK AND FORTH.

HEY! I MADE IT.

[laughing]

- UH...

LAVERNE?

I DON'T KNOW IF WE SHOULD, UH, DO THIS.

- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY. I--

I DON'T KNOW WHAT COME OVER ME.

- TSK, OH, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

MAYBE HARRY WAS RIGHT.

MAYBE THIS IS JUST SOME SNEAKY, SLEAZY SCHEME OF MINE.

AND IT REALLY MUST BE SNEAKY

BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

- CHARLEY, I WAS THE ONE WHAT WAS GONNA KISS YOU.

- MAN, I'M SO GOOD, IT'S SCARY.

- NO, YOU NOT.

LOOK, CHARLEY, UH...

MAYBE-- MAYBE THERE'S A...

JUST A LITTLE, UH...

SMIDGE OF CHEMISTRY BETWEEN US.

- REALLY?

- WELL, YEAH.

AND I'M JUST GLAD YOU SHOWED SO MUCH RESTRAINT

DURING MY MOMENT OF VULNERABILITY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

- I'M GAY?

- YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN.

- LAVERNE, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD GO OUT ANYMORE.

- WHY?

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER

I CAN KEEP ACTING LIKE SUCH A GOOD GUY.

I'M CHARLEY, I'M NOT A GENTLEMAN.

YOU DESERVE TO BE WITH THE REAL THING.

- TSK, OH.

WHY, CHARLEY DIETZ.

WHO'D A THOUGHT A GUY LIKE YOU

WOULD RESTORE MY FAITH IN MEN?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- HEY, IF I CAN BRING OUT THE GOODNESS

IN A SKIRT-CHASIN' HOUND DOG LIKE YOURSELF,

THEN MAYBE I OUGHTA GIVE

THE REST OF YOUR GENDER ANOTHER CHANCE.

AND THANK YOU.

AND IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I GOT A TABLE TO RUN.

- HI.

I'M SPARKLE.

ARE YOU ALONE?

- NO, I'M CHARLEY.

- YOU'RE FUNNY.

YOU WANNA COME BACK TO MY PLACE AND FOOL AROUND?

- WELL, I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

I MEAN, WE DON'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER.

- [giggles]

- OH, NO.

I CAN'T CHANGE BACK.

- COME ON, AMIGO.

I'LL BUY YOU A BEER.

- ACTUALLY, I'D PREFER A NICE CHARDONNAY.

OH, NO!

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