Original subtitles

- I FORGOT HOW WONDERFUL THIS OLD PLAYHOUSE IS.

DADDY BUILT THIS FOR MY FIFTH BIRTHDAY.

- YOU KNOW, THERE'S NOTHING IN THIS CUP.

- SOPHIA, IT'S PRETEND TEA.

DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO PRETEND?

- I OUGHTA. I WAS MARRIED FOR 50 YEARS.

- MY BEST FRIEND ZOE AND I

WOULD COME HERE EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL

AND SHARE OUR MOST INTIMATE SECRETS.

NOW SHE'S COMING BACK HERE TO LIVE.

- YOU'D THINK SHE'D FIND SOMEPLACE BIGGER.

- SILLY, SHE'S COMING BACK TO MIAMI

TO ANCHOR THE 6:00 NEWS.

SHE'S A VERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN.

- WHO CARES?

- I CARE.

SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND.

MY--MY CONFIDANT, MY OTHER SELF.

SHE'S THE ONE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD

WHO REALLY ACCEPTS ME FOR WHO I AM.

- OH, I GET IT.

SHE'S YOUR PRETEND FRIEND.

IS SHE HERE NOW?

TEA, ZOE?

- DADDY, DADDY!

ZOE'S HERE. ZOE'S HERE.

I JUST SAW HER CAR PULL UP.

- ALL RIGHT, DEAR. JUST CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN.

[rhythmic knocking]

- THE SECRET KNOCK.

[both yelling]

[yelling]

- OUR SECRET GREETING RITUAL.

REMEMBER, DADDY?

- [whimpering] DO I REMEMBER? YES.

ZOE.

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- OH, HARRY, YOU LOOK GREAT.

- WELL, SO DO YOU. CAROL TELLS ME

YOU'RE STAYING WITH YOUR PARENTS.

- YES, JUST TEMPORARILY,

TILL I GET A PLACE OF MY OWN.

- ME TOO.

SO, DO YOU WANNA SEE THE BABY? - CAN I SEE THE BABY?

both: JINX, BUY ME A COOKIE.

SYNCHRONICITY.

[buzzing]

[yelling]

[laughing]

- HEY, I'VE SEEN YOU SOMEPLACE BEFORE.

- WELL, OF COURSE YOU HAVE, CHARLEY.

- YEAH, YOU DANCE IN THAT CAGE AT CROTCH DUSTERS.

- SHE'S A REPORTER FOR CNN, MORON.

- OH, RIGHT.

WOW, CNN.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

- SURE.

- WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH NEWS ON THAT CHANNEL?

- NEXT.

- 'SCUSE ME.

I BELIEVE I WAS FIRST.

- WRONG.

WHOEVER GETS TO THE DESK FIRST IS FIRST.

- SORRY. I'M NEW HERE.

- NOW, YOU JUST WAIT A GALL DARN MINUTE, MR. GRISWALD.

YOU GO OVER THERE SIT DOWN AND WAIT YOUR TURN.

- THANK YOU KINDLY, MA'AM.

I SURELY DO APPRECIATE IT.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE A FUSS.

- IS THAT SOUTH IN YOUR MOUTH?

OH, I SHOULD HAVE KNOW'D IT. WHERE YOU FROM?

- OH, JUST AN ITTY BITTY TOWN IN ARKANSAS

CALLED HATIPATCHI.

- OH!

- BEG PARDON?

- I'M FROM HICKORY.

- OH!

- OH, GOD, THERE'S TWO OF 'EM.

- THIS MAY COME AS A SHOCK TO YOU, DR. DOUGLAS,

BUT THEY'S A WHOLE STATE FULL OF US.

- WELL, HUSH MY MOUTH AND CALL ME CATFISH.

- ARE YOU FROM THE SOUTH, CATFISH?

- NO.

- THIS FINE SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN HAPPENS TO HAIL

FROM THE TOWN OF HATIPATCHI.

NOW, IN ARKANSAS, HICKORY AND HATIPATCHI

ARE KNOWN AS SIAMESE TWIN CITIES.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR WHY?

- NO.

- IT'S BECAUSE WE ARE JOINED

AT WALDO'S COMBINATION SNAKE ZOO AND DINNER THEATER.

- HALF OF IT'S IN HICKORY,

THE OTHER HALF'S IN HATIPATCHI.

PEOPLE COME FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD

TO ENJOY THE REPTILES

AND TO SEE OUR ANNUAL PRODUCTION OF MACBETH.

- OH, I'VE BEEN SO BUSY YACKIN',

I NEGLECTED TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

LAVERNE TODD.

- PLEASURE, MA'AM.

DUNCAN MALLOY THE FOURTH.

- HOLD ON.

WAS YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GRANDDADDY

DUNCAN MALLOY THE FIRST?

- YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW?

- MY MARRIED NAME IS TODD.

MY FAMILY NAME IS HIGBY.

- HIGBY? YOU'RE A HIGBY?

DON'T LET HER HURT ME!

- WHY WOULD SHE WANNA HURT YOU?

- BECAUSE HE'S A LOW-DOWN

BLOODSUCKIN' NIGHT-CRAWLIN' MAGGOT!

- WHAT HAPPENED TO "FINE SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN"?

- LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHIN' TO YOU, DOCTOR.

THE HIGBYS AND THE MALLOYS HAVE BEEN FEUDIN'

FOR OVER A HUNDRED YEAR.

- THEY STARTED IT! - SAYS YOU!

- SEE HOW SHE TWISTS THINGS?

- YOU GET BACK IN HERE SO I CAN SMACK YOU!

- LAVERNE, YOU SCARED THE LITTLE MAN HALF TO DEATH.

- YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THESE MALLOYS ARE CAPABLE OF.

THEY SNEAK IN YOUR HOUSE AT NIGHT WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPIN'

AND REARRANGE ALL YOUR FURNITURE.

- DOESN'T SOUND SO BAD.

- I AIN'T FINISHED.

THEN BEFORE YOU WAKE UP, THEY SNEAK BACK IN

AND PUT IT ALL BACK EXACTLY THE WAY IT WAS

SO YOU NEVER KNEW THEY WAS THERE.

- SO THEN I PUT ON A VEIL,

BUT THEY STILL WOULDN'T BELIEVE I WAS A SAUDI.

SO FINALLY THE ONLY WAY I COULD CONVINCE THEM

WAS BY EATING A GOAT'S EYEBALLS.

- GOAT'S EYEBALLS?

- OH, HE HAS NO SENSE OF ADVENTURE.

- OH, YEAH?

I ONCE ATE WHITE CHOCOLATE.

- HERE YOU GO, WILD MAN.

COME ON. HELP ME SET THE TABLE.

- OKAY. [overlapping gibberish]

HERE YOU GO.

OH, ZOE.

SO, HOW'S YOUR LITTLE GIRL DOING?

- MOLLY'S DOING BETTER.

THERE FOR A WHILE SHE THOUGHT THE DIVORCE WAS ALL HER FAULT.

- YEAH, WELL, A LOT OF KIDS GO THROUGH THAT,

BUT SHE'S LUCKY TO HAVE SUCH A GREAT MOM.

- WELL, THANKS, HARRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT IS REALLY WEIRD?

ME CALLING YOU HARRY.

IT WAS ALWAYS DR. WESTON.

WELL, WE'RE BOTH GROWN UP NOW.

- YEAH, IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN.

- [laughing]

HARRY, CAN I TELL YOU A SECRET?

I MEAN, I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA THINK THIS IS REALLY STUPID,

BUT WHEN I WAS 17, OH,

I HAD SUCH A CRUSH ON YOU.

- [laughing] YOU DID?

I MEAN--I MEAN, YOU KNOW, REALLY? YOU DID?

- HM, OH, YEAH.

YOU REMINDED ME OF MICK JAGGER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

- I GET THAT ALL THE TIME.

IT'S THE STRUT.

- BURGERS ARE READY. I'M JUST TOASTING THE BUNS.

- BUNS! THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

MICK JAGGER HAS GREAT BUNS.

- OH. - OH.

SORRY. - THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I GUESS I SHOULD OPEN A WINE.

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

AH, CHATEAURENARD.

MISCHIEVOUS AND ASSERTIVE,

AND KOSHER FOR PASSOVER.

- IT GOES GREAT WITH BURGERS. - IT GOES GREAT WITH BURGERS.

both: HEY, WE BOTH SAID THE SAME THING AT THE SAME TIME.

SYNCHRONICITY.

[buzzing]

[yelling]

- OKAY.

GET IT WHILE IT'S HOT.

- NOTHING.

- NOTHING WHAT?

- NOTHING COULD BE BETTER

THAN, UH, THIS DINNER WE'RE HAVING TONIGHT

BECAUSE-- BECAUSE WE'RE HERE,

AND WE'RE EATING, AND WE'RE VISITING,

AND WE'RE EATING FOOD TOGETHER.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, ZOE?

- HUH? WHAT HE SAID.

- THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL OCCASION.

MY TWO FAVORITE PEOPLE.

I CAN JUST FEEL THE LOVE IN THE ROOM.

[door jiggling]

- WHO IS IT?

- WHO DO YOU THINK IT IS?

UNLOCK THE DAMN DOOR.

- NOT SO FAST.

HOW DO I KNOW YOU AIN'T MALLOY?

- BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE SOUND OF MY VOICE.

LAVERNE, WHY ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF THAT LITTLE MAN?

- DOCTOR, WE ARE TALKIN' ABOUT GENERATIONS OF ABUSE.

THIS FEUD GOES BACK TO 1899,

WHEN MY GREAT- GREAT-GRANDADDY HIGBY

TOLD HIS FAVORITE JOKE TO DUNCAN MALLOY THE FIRST,

AND OLD DUNCAN JUST STOOD THERE AND HAD THE GALL NOT TO LAUGH.

- AND I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE OVER SOMETHING SILLY.

- YOU WANNA HEAR THE JOKE? - NO.

- OKAY.

SEEMS THIS COUPLE'S ON THE WAY TO THE CHAPEL TO GET MARRIED.

THEY GET STRUCK BY BOLT OF LIGHTNIN'.

THEY GET UP TO HEAVEN AND THE MAN SAYS TO THE LORD,

"WE'S ABOUT TO GET MARRIED,

COULD WE GET HITCHED HERE IN HEAVEN?"

AND THE LORD SAYS, "WELL, I'D LIKE TO OBLIGE YOU,

"BUT THEY'S A LITTLE PROBLEM.

WE AIN'T GOT NO PREACHERS UP HERE."

[laughing]

[snorting]

- SO WHY DIDN'T GOD JUST MARRY THEM?

- THAT'S WHAT OLD MAN MALLOY SAID.

- WILL YOU RELAX?

THE LITTLE MAN IS SCARED TO DEATH OF YOU.

NOW LET'S GET TO WORK.

- GOOSEBERRY,

FAVORITE PIE OF THE MALLOYS.

- CLINIC.

NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THIS IS A CLINIC.

CANAL STREET CLINIC.

ALL RIGHT. FINE.

WE'LL HAVE YOUR PIZZA THERE IN 30 MINUTES.

ZOE...

WHAT ARE YOU-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I--I THOUGHT WE SHOULD TALK.

- YEAH, I KNOW. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

LOOK...

both: I'M SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

- HMM.

- LOOK, ME FIRST. ME FIRST.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

I--I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET IT HAPPEN.

- OH, HARRY, ALL YOU DID WAS KISS ME.

AND, BESIDES, I KISSED YOU.

- YES, DEAR, BUT I ENJOYED IT.

- SO DID I.

- WELL, BELIEVE ME, IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN...

YOU DID?

- OH, YEAH.

BUT YOU'RE RIGHT.

I MEAN, I--

HOW COULD I DO THIS TO CAROL?

SHE'S LIKE A SISTER TO ME.

- SHE'S--SHE'S LIKE A DAUGHTER TO ME.

- HARRY, WE SHOULDN'T BLOW THIS ALL UP OUT OF PROPORTION.

WE WERE TEMPORARILY INSANE.

- THAT'S OKAY.

INSANE.

- WELL, THERE GOES THE INSANITY PLEA.

- CAROL, THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

- I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY, DADDY.

- YOU DO?

- PARMESAN CHEESE.

- WHAT PARMESAN CHEESE?

- THE TOUCH OF INTRIGUE IN THE EGGS.

IT'S BEEN DECADENT, I KNOW--

- NO, NO, SWEETHEART. THE EGGS--THE EGGS ARE FINE.

IT'S, UH...

THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

UH, SUPPOSE, HYPOTHETICALLY, TWO PEOPLE--

- DADDY, PLEASE, WHENEVER ANYONE SAYS "HYPOTHETICALLY,"

THEY'RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THEMSELVES.

- OKAY, UH...

SUPPOSE ZOE AND I...

FOUND OURSELVES ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER.

- YOU'RE TALKING HYPOTHETICALLY, RIGHT?

- CAROL, LOOK.

I KNOW HOW YOU MIGHT BE FEELING.

- YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW HOW I FEEL?

- I DON'T THINK SO.

- I'M HAPPY FOR YOU, DADDY.

IF THE TWO PEOPLE THAT I LOVE MOST IN THE WORLD

HAPPEN TO HAVE AN AFFINITY FOR EACH OTHER,

WELL, THEN, WHAT COULD BE WRONG?

- CAROL...

OH...

THANK YOU FOR BEING SO UNDERSTANDING.

SWEETHEART...

WHOA, GEE WIZ.

NOW, LISTEN, HONEY, YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY WITH THIS?

- OF COURSE I AM.

SILLY, DADDY.

- [murmuring happily]

- YOU GO AHEAD, DOCTOR. I'LL COVER YOU.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO COVER ME, LAVERNE.

YOU'RE GOING FIRST.

WELL, EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE IN PLACE.

- YEAH, MALLOY'S BEEN HERE ALL RIGHT.

I'LL CHECK THE EXAM ROOM.

- I'LL GET THE LOUNGE.

[dog barking, growling]

HE PUT A DAMN KILLER DOG IN THERE.

- WELL, ACTUALLY I-- I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

I GOT US A GUARD DOG. [dog barking]

- I OUGHTA SMACK YOU.

- NOW, DOCTOR, HIS BARK IS WORSE THAN HIS BITE.

- IT WOULD HAVE TO BE. LISTEN TO THAT.

[barking]

- I'LL PUT HIM IN THE STOCK ROOM.

[growling]

DOWN, FLUFFY!

- 'SCUSE ME.

- MALLOY.

- I COME IN PEACE.

I WANNA APOLOGIZE TO MISS HIGBY

ABOUT THAT PIE THING.

THIS FEUD BUSINESS MADE ME SO CRAZY

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOIN'.

- YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT. YOU PUT THE PIE IN MY LOCKER.

- OOPS.

- YOU.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT, LAVERNE.

HE'S COME TO APOLOGIZE.

- DON'T YOU BELIEVE A WORD HE'S SAYS.

- YOU GOT TO!

MY WHOLE LIFE, IT'S BEEN "GET THEM HIGBYS,"

"DON'T TRUST THEM HIGBYS,"

WELL I'M SICK OF IT, I TELL YOU.

AND I THINK IT'S TIME IT STOPPED.

- LAVERNE.

- WELL, HE IS RIGHT.

- I SENSE A BREAKTHROUGH HERE.

NOW, THIS FEUD HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH.

WHY DON'T YOU TWO JUST SHAKE HANDS

AND END THIS THING ONCE AND FOR ALL?

- I'MA CALL MY FOLKS BACK IN HICKORY

AND CONVINCE 'EM TO END THIS FEUD FOREVER.

- AMEN.

WELL, SO LONG, LAVERNE.

CATFISH.

- THAT'S DR. CATFISH.

NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?

- OH-HO-HO, YOU BET.

ABOUT TEN MILE DOWN THE ROAD,

HE'S GONNA GET A LITTLE SURPRISE.

I PUT HALF A POUND OF SUGAR IN HIS GAS TANK.

- LAVERNE.

- HEY, I'M A HIGBY.

- GOOD MORNING, LADIES.

AND A LOVELY DAY IT IS.

- WELL, YOU SEEM AWFULLY PERKY TODAY.

- WELL, NO REASON.

OH, ZOE, WHAT A GREAT IDEA.

- YES, THIS PLACE IS SO...ROMANTIC.

- COME ON, GET COMFORTABLE.

OH, OH, EXCUSE ME.

WHAT IS YOUR SPECIALTY?

- [indistinct guttural speech]

- WHAT DID HE SAY?

- NOTHING. HE WAS JUST CLEARING HIS THROAT.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND. I WENT AHEAD AND ORDERED.

- MADAME ZOE HAS ORDERED AN EXCEPTIONAL FEAST FOR YOU.

YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED.

AND THE GOAT'S EYEBALLS ARE SO FRESH,

THEY ALMOST WINK AT YOU.

- THANK YOU, AHMED.

IT'S NOT REALLY GOAT'S EYEBALLS,

IT'S CHICKEN.

- OH, GOOD.

- CHICKEN EYEBALLS.

- YOU'RE KIDDING NOW, RIGHT?

- YEAH, SHE'S KIDDING, IT'S AN OLD JOKE THEY PULLED ON HER

WHEN SHE WAS A STRINGER IN BAGDAD.

- HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT? - ZOE TOLD ME.

- OH, WELL NOW I KNOW TOO.

[beeping]

- OH, GAH. THAT'S ME.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- TAKE YOUR TIME, DADDY.

ZOE AND I HAVE LOTS TO TALK ABOUT.

SO, ARE YOU TWO HAVING A GOOD TIME?

- SURE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- I MEAN, ARE YOU DOING IT WITH HIM?

- WHAT?

- WELL, IT'S NOT A DIFFICULT QUESTION.

- WELL, IT'S VERY PERSONAL, CAROL.

- WELL, IT WOULDN'T BE PERSONAL

IF YOU WERE DOING IT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

I MEAN, IF I WERE SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE,

I WOULD TELL YOU.

HEY! I JUST WANNA KNOW.

- OKAY. NO, WE'RE NOT DOING IT.

- OH, THANK GOD. IF YOU EVER DO, DON'T TELL ME.

I DON'T WANNA KNOW.

- CAROL, THIS IS GONNA TO BE A PROBLEM, ISN'T IT?

- OF COURSE NOT.

COULD YOU POSSIBLY SLURP YOUR SOUP ANY LOUDER?

I DON'T THINK THEY CAN HEAR YOU IN CUBA.

- CAROL, CALM DOWN.

- ZOE, I'M FINE. IT' NO BIG DEAL.

HEY, FEZ HEAD, WHERE'S OUR FOOD?

- I'M NOT FEZ HEAD. AHMED.

- CAROL, PLEASE--

- STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, ZOE.

YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER.

- OH, GOOD NEWS. IT WAS A FALSE ALARM.

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO SPOIL THIS DELIGHTFUL EVENING.

- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT, DADDY.

I'M LEAVING.

- HUSH LITTLE BABY DON'T BE HYPER

[door banging] THAT'S HER. HAVE A BLAST.

- SOPHIA, WHERE'S CAROL? I NEED TO TALK TO HER.

- I THOUGHT SHE WAS WITH YOU.

OH, YOU DITCHED HER.

GOOD WORK.

- NO, NO, SOPHIA. SHE LEFT EARLY.

SHE'S GOTTA BE HERE. HER CAR IS PARKED OUTSIDE.

- I--I THINK I MAY KNOW WHERE SHE IS.

HARRY, DO YOU MIND IF I TALK TO HER ALONE?

- NO, DEAR. GO. - THANKS.

[rhythmic knocking]

- IT'S OPEN.

[crickets chirping]

WHERE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND?

- WELL, I THOUGHT YOU AND I SHOULD TALK.

- WHY DID YOU HAVE TO COME BACK AND RUIN EVERYTHING?

- CAROL, LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA TAKE YOUR FATHER AWAY FROM YOU.

- THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WHEN YOU WERE HALF A WORLD AWAY,

WE WERE SO CLOSE.

WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST STAY AWAY?

- STAY AWAY SO WE COULD STAY CLOSE.

- EXACTLY.

- CAROL, LOOK,

IF BEING WITH YOUR FATHER IS GONNA RUIN OUR FRIENDSHIP,

THEN I WILL WALK AWAY FROM HIM RIGHT NOW.

- YOU WOULD DO THAT?

- YES, I MEAN IT. IT'S YOUR CALL, CAROL.

YOU SAY THE WORD, AND I WILL WALK AWAY FROM HIM.

- OKAY, DUMP HIM. - OKAY, I WILL.

- I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

- NEITHER DID I.

OH, CAROL, WHAT CAN I SAY?

THIS IS SOMETHING THAT JUST HAPPENED,

WE DIDN'T PLAN IT.

- I KNOW.

I KNOW, I JUST NEED SOME TIME, OKAY?

THIS IS GONNA TAKE SOME GETTING USED TO.

- LISTEN, I'D FEEL THE SAME WAY IF YOU WERE SEEING MY FATHER.

- BY THE WAY, IS HE STILL MODELING?

- YES. AND HE'S STILL MARRIED TO MY MOTHER.

- ARE THEY HAPPY?

[laughing]

- BEST FRIENDS? - ALWAYS.

[knocking]

THAT'S NOT THE SECRET KNOCK.

- WELL, THEN IT CAN'T BE EITHER ONE OF US.

- CAROL, ARE YOU IN THERE?

- YES, DADDY. I'M OKAY. EVERYTHING'S FINE NOW.

- I'M-- I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT.

IS, UH, ZOE STILL ALIVE?

- YES. NOW, GO AWAY. THIS IS GIRL TALK.

- CAROL? - YES, DADDY.

- I LOVE YOU.

- I LOVE YOU, DADDY.

- I LOVE EVERYBODY.

- MICK JAGGER.

ANYWAY, LAVERNE, EVEN THOUGH MAXINE AND I

WERE BOTH VICTIMS OF YOUR FEUD,

WE WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT NEITHER ONE OF US HOLDS A GRUDGE AGAINST YOU.

- THAT'S RIGHT.

- UH-HUH.

[laughing]

I CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS GOIN'.

I'M SORRY. I--

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