Original subtitles

_

I'm kind of rebranding myself a little bit.

I'm working on a character, a clowning character.

[LAUGHS]: What about Clumso for a name for a clown?

MARTHA: I do have a boyfriend.

- I have two, actually. - One is a shepherd

from the Basque region of Spain.

The other is a cross-country trucker I met on my CB radio.

I'm leaving this godforsaken town!

And I'm never coming back!

Christine, I can't explain my actions.

Just go home, Ken.

MAN [OVER P.A.]: Okay, thanks for your patience.

Now boarding all rows for Flight 863 to Denver.

All rows for Denver.

?

[INDISTINCT FEMALE VOICE OVER P.A.]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Mom, just cheer up; you love Christmas tree shopping.

I don't even know why we're here.

Meemaw's gone, and God knows where Dale is,

- and Ken's in Denver. - Well, it's our tradition.

Well, look at these things; they're all picked over.

They're lopsided.

Oh! Needles!

Oh, God, Chip.

Oh. Look at that tree. Doesn't it look like Ken?

So stoic.

Oh, man.

- I've got an idea, Chip. - What?

Let's go to Costco and get a tree in a box.

- A fake tree? - It makes sense this year.

- I don't want to go to Costco. - Thank you, sir,

but we don't want any of these dogs.

Good luck getting rid of them.

Okay, well, I can get an ambulance out there

- if you want to give me your mile marker. - Hey, Martha.

So we're fake tree people now.

Oh. Hold on a second.

That's why we're here. We're also here because Mom's

having some sadness with K-E-N and could use some girl talk.

- [PHONE RINGING] - Boy, could I.

Is your ringer always that loud, Martha?

One of my clients is stranded on the side of the road,

so I might need to get...

- Um, what are you...? - [RINGING STOPS]

OTHERS: ? Happy birthday to you ?

There, that's better.

? Happy birthday to you ?

- I've always loved that song. - ? Happy birthday ?

- ? Dear Martha ? - MRS. BASKETS: Martha?

- ? Happy birthday to you. ? - Troy?

- Um, Troy? - MRS. BASKETS: Oh, for God's sakes,

this is Martha!

I'm Martha.

- Down here. - TROY: Oh.

Do we have to do the song again?

- No, that's okay. I heard it. - Cool.

- CHIP: Is today your birthday, Martha? - No.

Um, it's actually the day after Christmas.

And it is a big one... the old 5-0.

- No. - 50? That's awful.

Oh, well... Thanks, Troy.

It's actually okay, Mrs. Baskets.

I've been dreaming about being in my 50s

since I was a little girl.

So, was that... that was your party?

Uh, no. I don't really want to have a party this year.

I think I'm just gonna curl up at home with some DVDs.

DVDs! What about the shepherd?

What? How do you know about him?

I've got my sources.

- I told her. - [MARTHA SIGHS]

She's my mom; I tell her everything.

- [MRS. BASKETS SIGHS] - Um, the shepherd

is actually gonna be working

in his family's Basque restaurant that night,

which is totally fine.

It's your 50th.

That's half a century, you know.

You could still have a baby, remember that.

A woman in Africa had a child at 64.

Um, I don't think I'm gonna do that.

You don't know.

I've been trying to practice my empathy lately,

and my empathy tells me that we should throw a party

for Martha, or she's gonna try to kill herself.

Well, that's a good idea, Chip.

- I mean, for the party. - Yeah. Plus, it's a, uh...

great opportunity for me to debut Dill Pickles.

Who's that?

He's my character that I told you about.

You know, I've been researching, practicing...

Oh. Why not Bread and Butter Pickles?

[CHUCKLES]

They're so tasty. Have you ever had 'em?

That's not really the point, Mom.

Listen, I think we should find me a venue.

I mean, and, you know, a place for Martha's birthday party.

Well, her boyfriend's working that night.

[WHISPERS]: What about the restaurant?

Now, when you think about dinner in Bakersfield,

you got to think about Basque restaurants.

MRS. BASKETS: You know, I think I used a Basque plumber once.

- Or was he El Salvadorian? - WOMAN: Everybody comes,

from Arizona...

MRS. BASKETS: Oh, the food looks terrible, though.

New York just to have our pickled beef tongue.

Okay.

Beef tongue? Ugh.

Well, if it'll get Martha a night with the shepherd,

it's worth it.

Oh. I know. Let's do a surprise party for her.

I love when I see people get surprised.

I don't know about that. That might freak her out.

Even better. And I know just what to get her.

I'm gonna make something from scratch.

- Is that the whole tree? - No, Mom, there's...

there's a lot more tree. It's seven feet...

That would be terr... Oh. There it is.

Yeah, it's seven feet tall.

Seven feet tall! In that box?

[BEEPING]

AUTOMATED VOICE: Calculating.

?

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

MRS. BASKETS: Mr. Brooks?

Who? Who?

Christine Baskets. Merry Christmas.

Hey, don't say anything,

but just pretend you're talking to your lawyer,

- or-or your foot doctor. - Okay.

Okay. All right.

I always thought I could e a good foot doctor. Anyway,

listen, we're having a surprise birthday party for Martha.

At the Basque restaurant.

[CHUCKLES]: Ba... A Basque restaurant?

Okay.

YES. AT 4:00. Isn't it exciting?

Remember, it's a surprise.

Okay. Surprise party, 4:00.

So we'll see you there. And "shh"

- is the word. - Okay, bye.

Dad, thanks for the doll. It's great.

- Chip. - Yes?

What do you think?

That's great, Mom.

You see, it's our trip to Vegas, and on and on.

- I think Martha will like it. - Yeah, me, too.

I took an actress's body and put Martha's head on it.

Oh, really? Which actress?

You know, yeah, make her feel good.

Who knew that the Baskets family was this creative, huh?

Oh! And we're both giving her art for her birthday.

[RINGTONE PLAYING]

Oh. Hello?

Hello?

MRS. BASKETS: Hello?

- If this is a prank call... - [LOUD CLATTERING]

Oh, my God! Chip, be careful.

Jesus.

Is that part of your act?

CHIP: I might incorporate it.

_

- [ENGINE STARTS] - MRS. BASKETS: Chip.

Don't get her there before 4:15.

Okay, got it.

[HORN HONKS]

Son of a bitch!

Happy day after Christmas, Steve.

Heh. It's always a letdown, huh?

You got your tree took down yet?

We got a fake one. It's already boxed up.

[CHUCKLES] Lucky you.

Eileen still likes the real thing.

[GRUNTING]

Thanks, Christine.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]

MARTHA: Hold on a sec.

Okay, come in.

? Happy birth... ? Jeepers creepers!

MARTHA: Hey, sorry you had to see that.

Well, I'm sorry you had to see my reaction.

Why are you dolled up like that? Were you expecting someone?

No. Um...

I was just, um, taking some selfies.

[SIGHS] Look, I-I...

I just wanted to say I think it's...

I think it's great that you're turning 50.

I think it's... it's brave.

- You know? - Oh.

And as your present,

I want to debut my new character, Dill Pickles.

Mom and I have arranged a birthday party for you.

That's really sweet, Chip, but you know I told you

I have a date with my DVDs tonight.

We're just...

spending some time together.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the DVD thing. Yeah.

That was real?

Okay, listen.

It would mean a lot to me if you would just...

come and see this gift that I've made for you

to get you out of your-your doldrums.

Come on.

- Keep walking. Follow my voice. - [DOOR BELLS TINKLE]

- Good, good, good, good. There you go. - Okay. Okay.

Oh, you're gonna turn, take right here, take a right.

Okay.

Hey, Chip, this is really nice,

but I'd still like to be home by 7:00, okay?

Yeah, we'll get you fed, and you can see my new character,

- and then you go back to being sad. - Oh, sorry.

- Chip. - Come on, this way.

Come on, come on, come on. Step, step, step.

- Good, good, good. There we go. - Okay.

Oh. Sorry.

Well, it's a surprise party,

and they won't let me take off my blindfold

Martha.

You're talking to a sign. Come on.

Oh, sorry. I thought you were a person.

CHIP: That's still a sign.

ALL [SINGSONGY]: Surprise!

Oh, great. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

[LAUGHTER]

Uh... yeah, I don't...

Chip, I-I'm gonna have to get out of here.

What do you mean? Just enjoy yourself. Come on.

No, I... This isn't a good idea.

Wow, Martha, you spook easy.

I could see why the shepherd likes you.

- Oh. - You're like a sheep.

Well, we're small, but a mighty group.

Hard to get people the day after Christmas.

Anyway, I got you this.

Oh, wow. Thanks, Mrs. Baskets.

Um...

- I made it! - Wow, that's pretty great.

- Did you guys see it? It's art. - MARTHA'S MOM: Oh, look.

Oh, is that adorable.

- It's a diorama, right, Mom? - "Dior-ah-ma."

Anyways, everybody, Martha's 50!

- Oh-ho. - Martha's 50.

- In 50 years, she'll be 100! - [LAUGHTER] -CHIP: Yeah, Mom.

Is the menu in Basque?

Oh.

Martha, you look so nervous. Why is that?

Is it because of all the Basques?

No, I just really, um, I feel like maybe I should...

- maybe we shouldn't be here. - Why?

I don't know. It might...

This-this might not be the best place to...

APIRKA: Well, hello, there. My name is Apirka,

and I'll be your waitress tonight.

- Hi. - What is it?

- Apirka. [LAUGHS] - Oh! I'm not even gonna try.

So have you all had a chance to look at the menu?

We're kind of new to this... Basque eating.

All right.

Oh. So let me just tell you a little bit about Basque.

Um, we like to say that French food is too rich

and Spanish food is too foreign.

So Basque food is like a nice in-between.

Well, what is Basque about steak, then?

- We put garlic paste on it. Mm-hmm. - Mmm.

- That sounds yummy. - Mm-hmm. It's delicious.

- Garlic paste. - Mm-hmm.

MRS. BASKETS: Mm. I love that.

MARTHA'S MOM: Gosh. The light is so bad here.

I can't read the menu.

- Mm. - Oh, gosh.

You have any glasses, extra ones?

- Uh, I don't wear glasses. - Or a light?

- Do you have a headlight or...? - Um...

- Mm-hmm. - Guys, could we get this show on the road?

That's a bit rude; it's your birthday party that we've

- worked really hard to put together. - I know, I just...

We don't, we don't have to take an hour to order.

MRS. BASKETS: Okay. Let's get the steak.

APIRKA: Okay.

Cup of paste on the side.

Paste, paste, paste. You got it.

And does it come with a brush? Do you brush it on?

Um, I can give you a spoon and you can kind of

- scoop it on and spread it. - Martha, honey.

- MRS. BASKETS: I guess. - Eh, what's wrong, dear?

- Are you confused? - Um, no, I'm just...

'Cause I am.

Great. That all comes with either soup or salad.

- Is that hat available for sale? - Oh, the hat?

- Yeah, at the souvenir stand. - Put one on our bill.

- You got it. - I'd like one for the birthday girl.

- Guys, I don't need a hat. - MRS. BASKETS: Very nice.

- What size noggin are you? - APIRKA: Yeah.

- Look... - MRS. BASKETS: I'd say

- she's a seven and a half. - APIRKA: Okay, great.

Chip, could we go talk for a second?

APIRKA: How would you like your lamb chop?

- MRS. BASKETS: How do they usually come? - Well done.

MRS. BASKETS: I'll have it rare, then.

Chip, look, this is really nice,

and I know that you want to, um,

try out your new clown guy, but I'm in a bit of a pickle.

Okay.

Um... [SIGHS] Okay. Um...

When I told you that the shepherd,

this is his family restaurant,

um, I meant that it's his family of procreation,

not origin.

Wait. What?

Um... his wife works here.

You're... you're a mistress?

Yeah.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. It's fine.

[STAMMERS] We'll work it out. It's fine.

But you'll still be able to see me showcase

my new character, right?

- Um, sure. - You okay?

- MRS. BASKETS: Martha! - Oh, God.

Get back over here! They have cow tongue!

I don't want it, but I want to see someone eat it.

They have cow tongue.

Who's this guy? You looking for Christine?

- Oh, yeah. - Well, she's not here.

I think she went to a birthday party

for that Costco lady who's always hanging around here.

- Do you know where? - The Wool Growers Restaurant.

- Taxi! Hey! Hey! - [TIRES SQUEAK]

This is John Leguizamo. Do you know who that is?

Is he a chef?

He's an actor and he's part Basque.

See, you just never know.

Like, when we came here,

we didn't know who you were or what you were all about.

I thought you were an offshoot of the gypsies

that the Spanish ran out of the country.

- [CHUCKLES] - You can't judge a Basque by it's cover.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Oh, he's handsome. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, but let's get down to business.

Where's this shepherd I hear about?

He's working back in the kitchen tonight. Why?

Him and the birthday girl have a thing going.

- They do? - They do.

Hey, Chip, do you think that you could do your act soon

- so we could slip out of here? - Yeah.

The timing has to be right, but, yeah, sure, soon.

The ti... I feel like the timing is right.

- [RINGTONE PLAYING] - Oh.

Hello?

KEN: Chip, uh, it's Ken.

Listen, I'm in the bathroom.

Congratulations, Ken.

No, no, I'm in the bathroom at the Basque restaurant.

Can you come in and talk to me?

What do you mean at the...?

You're in the restroom at the Basque restaurant?

- Can you hurry up, please - Okay. Yeah. Bye.

[SIGHS]

- Um... um... - Where are you going?

I just need a minute. I'll be right back.

I'm going to the bathroom to, uh,

to put on my makeup to get ready to perform.

- Ah, Chip, please. - No, no, it's okay. It's okay.

KEN: I know Christine said

she needed space, but I've been in enough relationships

to know that if I'd gone back to Denver,

that'd been the end of it.

Well, listen, you can talk to Mom, but just not right now.

The timing's not right.

I can't hang around in Bakersfield no longer, Chip.

It's now or never.

[SIGHS] Okay, look.

Let me go showcase my new character,

and then I'll come back and get you.

- You got a new character? - Yeah.

His name is Dill Pickles.

He's based on Dale.

- Chip. - What?

You know Dale ran away because of the pressure.

What are you...? He'll never come back if he sees this.

You know this is not right, don't you?

Okay. I'll be right back.

- Martha. Martha. - MRS. BASKETS: Beautiful outfit.

- Thanks, Mom. - MARTHA: Cool.

MARTHA'S DAD: Great.

- MRS. BASKETS: Oh. - Martha, we should go.

Wait. What about your new character?

It's fine. It isn't...

? Everybody, let's go then ?

? Kings and queens and bishops, too, I wanna wish ?

? The best to you, so wish-day, wash-day, what do you say??

? Happy birthday, happy birthday to you, uh-huh?

? There is sorrow in the air ?

? People are dying everywhere ?

? Happy birthday to you, uh-huh. ?

- Happy birthday. - Thank you.

I'm the shepherd's wife.

[CLAPPING FADES, DISTORTS]

?

MRS. BASKETS: Chip, go after her.

I haven't the foggiest idea of what's happening.

That Basque woman just doused her with champagne or something.

It was terrible.

CHIP: Martha!

Hey, Martha.

Martha!

Martha. [PANTING]

Martha.

Look, Chip, the trucker is on his way.

I was supposed to meet him tonight.

That's why I wanted to be home by 7:00.

I've been meaning to break up with the shepherd for weeks.

I just thought it would be easier

if I knew I could be with the trucker.

And now I've just made a mess of everything.

Yeah, but you...

you should be flattered how many people want to be with you

even though you're so close to death, you know? I mean...

That's not what I...

That came out wrong.

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry about your 50th birthday party.

You know, I should know when I try very hard that it just...

things blow up in my face.

[SIGHS]

That's okay, Chip. You know what?

Except for that last part,

this was actually one of my best birthdays.

- It is? - Yeah.

I'm just sorry that you didn't

get to try out your new character.

It's okay.

Today should've been about you

and not some dumb clown, you know?

I mean, it's not that dumb.

You have garlic breath.

- Come on. - Well...

Let's get you to the trucker.

Well, I was hoping I'd have a chance to shower, but, oh, well.

Happy birthday, Martha. Don't get strangled.

Thanks, Chip.

[DOOR CLOSES]

?

[TRUCK ENGINE STARTS]

What, did you break up with him?

No, I'm 50 now.

I can't keep acting like I'm 39.

Sometimes you just know when a relationship isn't meant to be.

Okay. Good night.

[RINGTONE PLAYING]

Ken.

KEN: It got kind of weird standing there in the bathroom,

so I came out here to the restaurant,

- but your mom's not here. - Yeah, there...

There were some madcap shenanigans.

I think she just went home.

Hey, Ken. You should go talk to her.

Just go over there.

Really? You think so?

Yeah.

I mean, sometimes you just know when a relationship is...

is meant to be.

Is that what she said? Yeah.

Yeah, I think sometimes it's...

you know when a relationship is meant to be.

- Thanks, Chip. - Go-go over there.

MRS. BASKETS: Oh.

What are, what are you doing here?

Well, I never left town.

I, um, I got a motel room near the airport.

For Christmas?

Ken.

It's good to see you, Christine.

What?

Don't you think we're being selfish?

Christine, you are the most unselfish person

- I have ever met. - [CLICKS TONGUE]

We can make this work, you know.

- [HORN HONKING] - [POP MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]

Hey, good news, everybody!

- I'm engaged! - [MUSIC STOPS]

And she's got a jeep with Bluetooth technology.

- [CAR ALARM CHIRPS] - This is Shannon.

She wears a tube top. It's her thing.

Hello, slappy pappy.

Watch out, Shannon, this guy'll smack you right in the face.

- Hello, Mother. - Hey, honey.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Dale. - Oh, yeah.

Hey, Mom, do you have any ice?

Shannon needs it for her Red Bull

so she can take her Pedialyte.

Yeah.

The ice in the freezer, Dale.

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