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1
00:00:03,249 --> 00:00:05,884
- (rattling doorknob)
- Uh-uh. No, no, no, no!
2
00:00:05,886 --> 00:00:07,619
This is my guest house!
3
00:00:07,621 --> 00:00:09,854
Why don't you find your own
place to go to the bathroom?
4
00:00:09,856 --> 00:00:11,256
Come on, Meredith.
5
00:00:11,258 --> 00:00:13,758
You know Brie won't let
the help in the house.
6
00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,560
This isn't fair, man.
7
00:00:15,562 --> 00:00:18,196
Lupe blew up her burrito
in my microwave yesterday.
8
00:00:18,198 --> 00:00:20,498
And you guys use all the toilet paper,
9
00:00:20,500 --> 00:00:23,301
which doesn't just
steal itself from my job,
10
00:00:23,303 --> 00:00:24,436
by the way.
11
00:00:24,438 --> 00:00:25,437
(knocking on door)
12
00:00:25,439 --> 00:00:26,538
Oh, my God!
13
00:00:26,540 --> 00:00:29,274
Hi, Mere-bear. (Gasps)
14
00:00:29,276 --> 00:00:30,708
Oh, no, a leaf blower?
15
00:00:30,710 --> 00:00:32,343
Did you have to get a second job?
16
00:00:32,345 --> 00:00:34,012
Brie, isn't there any other place
17
00:00:34,014 --> 00:00:35,580
your staff can take their breaks?
18
00:00:35,582 --> 00:00:39,250
- I'm sorry, Mere. They track mud all over.
- Yes.
19
00:00:39,252 --> 00:00:41,553
Yeah, but if I was okay
with that type of filth,
20
00:00:41,555 --> 00:00:43,087
I'd get a dog.
21
00:00:43,089 --> 00:00:46,291
And then, there'd be a dog
person in here, too, so...
22
00:00:46,293 --> 00:00:48,693
- You're welcome.
- Um...
23
00:00:48,695 --> 00:00:50,094
Listen, Frank and I are
going away this weekend,
24
00:00:50,096 --> 00:00:51,429
and I was hoping you could watch Lily.
25
00:00:51,431 --> 00:00:53,498
No.
26
00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:57,702
Brie, it's like you've forgotten
that I'm your best friend,
27
00:00:57,704 --> 00:01:01,105
and you invited me to live
here while I recovered from
28
00:01:01,107 --> 00:01:03,775
my extremely upsetting divorce.
29
00:01:03,777 --> 00:01:05,143
We'd pay you, of course.
30
00:01:05,145 --> 00:01:08,212
Well, no amount of money is gonna...
31
00:01:08,214 --> 00:01:10,581
Wow. It's really heavy.
32
00:01:10,583 --> 00:01:12,617
Some's for you, some's for Lily's food,
33
00:01:12,619 --> 00:01:14,452
and there's an extra hundred in there
34
00:01:14,454 --> 00:01:16,821
to buy her something so she
knows we feel bad about missing
35
00:01:16,823 --> 00:01:18,356
the science fair.
36
00:01:18,358 --> 00:01:20,191
You know, something that
says, "You're my favorite..."
37
00:01:20,193 --> 00:01:24,228
(whispers): And thank God
only... "stepdaughter."
38
00:01:24,230 --> 00:01:25,896
- Right.
- Okay. Bye.
39
00:01:25,898 --> 00:01:28,299
Bye.
40
00:01:28,301 --> 00:01:32,269
Uh-uh, Lupe. You are not
microwaving that in here.
41
00:01:32,271 --> 00:01:33,704
But it's muy frio.
42
00:01:33,706 --> 00:01:36,474
Yeah, and it is "mow-we,
mow-we" annoying!
43
00:01:37,542 --> 00:01:41,178
Oh, hi.
44
00:01:41,180 --> 00:01:42,546
What's that? You got toilet paper in there?
45
00:01:42,548 --> 00:01:46,884
You steal from your job, I steal from mine.
46
00:01:50,121 --> 00:01:52,790
(sighs) I got to find a new place to live.
47
00:01:56,294 --> 00:01:59,496
You, uh, searching the
kids' emergency contacts
48
00:01:59,498 --> 00:02:01,098
for dads' phone numbers again?
49
00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:03,600
Well, I need a rich dad,
and it's an emergency.
50
00:02:03,602 --> 00:02:04,968
Hmm.
51
00:02:04,970 --> 00:02:06,570
If I don't meet someone, like, right now,
52
00:02:06,572 --> 00:02:08,439
I'm gonna have to pay
for my own place to live.
53
00:02:08,441 --> 00:02:10,074
And that's expensive.
54
00:02:10,076 --> 00:02:11,608
They want first and last month's rent,
55
00:02:11,610 --> 00:02:14,611
plus security. It's, like, for what?
56
00:02:14,613 --> 00:02:16,313
When I break the light
fixture trying to hang myself?
57
00:02:16,315 --> 00:02:19,716
Hey, if you want to crash
with me, my mom and my sisters,
58
00:02:19,718 --> 00:02:22,119
I'll give you the futon, and
I can sleep on the treadmill.
59
00:02:22,121 --> 00:02:23,687
It's not as bad as it sounds, because
60
00:02:23,689 --> 00:02:25,889
the incline actually
helps my acid reflux, so...
61
00:02:25,891 --> 00:02:28,058
Bingo! Katie Shaw,
62
00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:29,660
two parents addresses.
63
00:02:29,662 --> 00:02:31,261
That means divorced.
64
00:02:31,263 --> 00:02:33,297
"Hi, Dr. Shaw!
65
00:02:33,299 --> 00:02:34,865
Katie fell down a well,
66
00:02:34,867 --> 00:02:37,601
and you need to get here
as soon as possible""
67
00:02:37,603 --> 00:02:39,069
Too much?
68
00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:41,004
Okay, folks, quick heads up.
69
00:02:41,006 --> 00:02:44,141
I will be training Kim in
fight prevention this week.
70
00:02:44,143 --> 00:02:47,344
And I am proud to report,
we have not had a fight
71
00:02:47,346 --> 00:02:48,979
in over a month here at Nixon Middle.
72
00:02:48,981 --> 00:02:51,348
- Yay-oh!
- The key is not to call them fights.
73
00:02:51,350 --> 00:02:54,918
So, we have had four skirmishes,
two tussles and half a fracas.
74
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:59,322
And... now I yield the
floor to our two co-chairs
75
00:02:59,324 --> 00:03:02,025
of the Tournament of Little Scientists,
76
00:03:02,027 --> 00:03:03,727
Ginny and Irene.
77
00:03:03,729 --> 00:03:04,761
Irene!
78
00:03:04,763 --> 00:03:06,329
Thank you.
79
00:03:06,331 --> 00:03:07,998
Irene and I are very excited
80
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:11,368
to be co-chairing for
our seventh year in a row.
81
00:03:11,370 --> 00:03:13,303
No seven year itch here, right, Irene?
82
00:03:13,305 --> 00:03:15,605
Right. We're so happy, because this year...
83
00:03:15,607 --> 00:03:18,074
Anyway, as most of you know,
84
00:03:18,076 --> 00:03:20,009
we equally divide the duties.
85
00:03:20,011 --> 00:03:24,147
So, if you need help with
awards distribution, talk to me.
86
00:03:24,149 --> 00:03:26,216
And if you need help with name tags,
87
00:03:26,218 --> 00:03:28,117
check-in, bathroom maintenance,
88
00:03:28,119 --> 00:03:31,221
sawdust for vomit incidents,
or... my personal specialty...
89
00:03:31,223 --> 00:03:33,356
pest removal... then
you just come talk to me.
90
00:03:33,358 --> 00:03:35,925
Okeydokey, see you all tomorrow, 9:00 a.m.
91
00:03:35,927 --> 00:03:38,394
Tomorrow's Saturday!
92
00:03:38,396 --> 00:03:40,663
I don't even get out of bed on Saturdays,
93
00:03:40,665 --> 00:03:43,132
unless it is to get someone
in my bed on Saturdays.
94
00:03:43,134 --> 00:03:45,468
Okay, normally, you would have my sympathy.
95
00:03:45,470 --> 00:03:47,070
Actually, no, you wouldn't.
96
00:03:47,072 --> 00:03:49,205
But don't worry. It's... it's not that bad.
97
00:03:49,207 --> 00:03:52,308
Hey, can you keep a secret?
98
00:03:52,310 --> 00:03:53,843
We bet big on the Little Scientists.
99
00:03:53,845 --> 00:03:55,278
Which some would say is immoral,
100
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,413
but you have no morals,
so, welcome to our pool!
101
00:03:57,415 --> 00:03:59,015
Thank you.
102
00:03:59,017 --> 00:04:01,083
Nobody outside the coaching
staff or the woodshop guys
103
00:04:01,085 --> 00:04:02,418
knows about this.
104
00:04:02,420 --> 00:04:04,120
Everybody put in $400. Last year,
105
00:04:04,122 --> 00:04:06,555
- Coach Donnie here won five G's.
- What?
106
00:04:06,557 --> 00:04:08,424
Yeah, but then, I doubled
down on the spelling bee,
107
00:04:08,426 --> 00:04:09,926
got screwed.
108
00:04:09,928 --> 00:04:11,427
Now I live at the YMCA.
109
00:04:11,429 --> 00:04:12,662
MEREDITH: All right.
110
00:04:12,664 --> 00:04:14,296
$400. That's steep.
111
00:04:14,298 --> 00:04:16,032
But I need a new apartment.
112
00:04:16,034 --> 00:04:17,700
Got to spend money to make money.
113
00:04:17,702 --> 00:04:20,302
- I'm in.
- What, you just have 400 bucks on you?
114
00:04:20,304 --> 00:04:21,670
Yeah, well, I'm baby-sitting Lily
115
00:04:21,672 --> 00:04:23,339
over the weekend, and it's for food. Oh!
116
00:04:23,341 --> 00:04:25,674
I just decided we're on
a cleanse. No food needed!
117
00:04:25,676 --> 00:04:28,944
Ah, nice business plan. Up high.
118
00:04:28,946 --> 00:04:31,247
- Proceed.
- Okay.
119
00:04:31,249 --> 00:04:33,115
So you got to pick a winner for each round.
120
00:04:33,117 --> 00:04:34,517
But figuring out which
kid is gonna come out
121
00:04:34,519 --> 00:04:36,018
on top of the whole tournament...
122
00:04:36,020 --> 00:04:37,419
that's what's gonna
win you the entire pool.
123
00:04:37,421 --> 00:04:38,821
So I just pick the
smartest kid to win, right?
124
00:04:38,823 --> 00:04:40,889
I mean, you could, but
a lot of people do that,
125
00:04:40,891 --> 00:04:42,257
and then you'll have to be splitting
126
00:04:42,259 --> 00:04:44,193
the pot a bunch of ways, and then,
127
00:04:44,195 --> 00:04:45,794
you won't even have enough money
to cover first month's rent,
128
00:04:45,796 --> 00:04:47,963
or the garbage bag to move your stuff in.
129
00:04:47,965 --> 00:04:49,665
So, what am I supposed to do?
130
00:04:49,667 --> 00:04:52,835
Okay, so, the way to win the
pool and to not have to split it
131
00:04:52,837 --> 00:04:55,904
is you got to pick a kid
nobody else thinks can win.
132
00:04:55,906 --> 00:04:58,307
And then make sure they win.
133
00:05:00,310 --> 00:05:01,844
Got it.
134
00:05:01,846 --> 00:05:04,112
Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
135
00:05:04,114 --> 00:05:07,015
Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah!
136
00:05:07,017 --> 00:05:09,384
I decided to start today
so you could get a dose
137
00:05:09,386 --> 00:05:11,687
of a normal day and a special event,
138
00:05:11,689 --> 00:05:13,188
like the science fair.
139
00:05:13,190 --> 00:05:15,223
Because there will be a fight tomorrow.
140
00:05:15,225 --> 00:05:17,926
The dirty little secret is,
when bullies aren't around,
141
00:05:17,928 --> 00:05:19,461
nerds are total bastards.
142
00:05:19,463 --> 00:05:21,029
You don't have to tell me that.
143
00:05:21,031 --> 00:05:22,431
I went to Space Camp.
144
00:05:22,433 --> 00:05:25,834
The key is to recognize
the fight hot spots.
145
00:05:25,836 --> 00:05:28,804
That north wall... that's
close to the computer lab.
146
00:05:28,806 --> 00:05:30,172
That's where all the dorks hang out.
147
00:05:30,174 --> 00:05:31,940
But it also borders the gym,
148
00:05:31,942 --> 00:05:34,409
which sets up a lot of
jock-on-dork violence.
149
00:05:34,411 --> 00:05:36,077
- Now, this eastern corridor...
- Oh.
150
00:05:36,079 --> 00:05:38,780
this is where the goths exit the darkroom,
151
00:05:38,782 --> 00:05:41,216
and they infringe on the drama geeks.
152
00:05:41,218 --> 00:05:44,452
But their fights are
mostly slapping, crying,
153
00:05:44,454 --> 00:05:46,354
the occasional poetry slam.
154
00:05:46,356 --> 00:05:48,923
Finally, there are the unclaimed.
155
00:05:48,925 --> 00:05:50,859
These are the students that don't fit in
156
00:05:50,861 --> 00:05:52,661
to any particular category.
157
00:05:52,663 --> 00:05:55,664
They cling to the outside of
my office in their fearful way,
158
00:05:55,666 --> 00:05:58,366
desperately avoiding the
attacks of all other factions.
159
00:05:58,368 --> 00:06:01,036
There's nobody sadder than the unclaimed.
160
00:06:02,438 --> 00:06:04,672
Just having my lunch.
161
00:06:04,674 --> 00:06:06,508
Okay.
162
00:06:06,510 --> 00:06:08,710
- (school bell ringing)
- MEREDITH: Lily!
163
00:06:08,712 --> 00:06:10,411
What's up, L-dog?
164
00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:12,947
Just us girls this freak-end!
165
00:06:12,949 --> 00:06:14,415
So, no partying tonight, okay?
166
00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,017
We got to break it down
167
00:06:16,019 --> 00:06:18,720
study-style, so you can for
sure win the science tournament
168
00:06:18,722 --> 00:06:20,388
tomorrow, right?
169
00:06:20,390 --> 00:06:21,856
I don't know.
170
00:06:21,858 --> 00:06:23,791
It's gonna be hard without my dad there.
171
00:06:23,793 --> 00:06:26,794
Last year, I lost in the first
round because I got nervous.
172
00:06:26,796 --> 00:06:29,230
And he's been working on it with me, but,
173
00:06:29,232 --> 00:06:31,332
I still thought he was
gonna come for moral support.
174
00:06:31,334 --> 00:06:33,668
Well, I'm gonna be
there, and I can help you.
175
00:06:33,670 --> 00:06:36,437
- Why would you want to help?
- I love science.
176
00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:38,840
Air, water,
177
00:06:38,842 --> 00:06:41,342
the continents.
178
00:06:42,211 --> 00:06:43,544
So, what is your project about
179
00:06:43,546 --> 00:06:44,979
and what are its chances of winning?
180
00:06:44,981 --> 00:06:47,715
- Well, my project is awesome.
- Oh, good.
181
00:06:47,717 --> 00:06:51,018
I took two plants, and I
gave them sun and water.
182
00:06:51,020 --> 00:06:54,088
But I gave one special attention
to see if it would grow more.
183
00:06:54,090 --> 00:06:56,223
Is this plant gonna have to point out
184
00:06:56,225 --> 00:06:57,992
on a plant doll where you touched it?
185
00:06:57,994 --> 00:06:59,493
- I just talked to it.
- Mm-hmm.
186
00:06:59,495 --> 00:07:01,095
And sang to it.
187
00:07:01,097 --> 00:07:02,163
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, okay.
188
00:07:02,165 --> 00:07:03,698
I may hugged it twice.
189
00:07:03,700 --> 00:07:05,332
But that's not the point. It grew... a lot.
190
00:07:05,334 --> 00:07:08,536
Great! This is gonna be
so good for both of us.
191
00:07:08,538 --> 00:07:09,837
What are you gonna wear?
192
00:07:09,839 --> 00:07:11,939
(gasps) We should get blowouts.
193
00:07:11,941 --> 00:07:14,308
Um, it's a science fair.
It's about the science.
194
00:07:21,382 --> 00:07:24,418
Okay, I'm gonna go give
the opening remarks.
195
00:07:24,420 --> 00:07:25,786
Uh, awesome.
196
00:07:25,788 --> 00:07:27,288
I was actually thinking
197
00:07:27,290 --> 00:07:29,456
there's a few things
I could throw in that...
198
00:07:29,458 --> 00:07:31,392
Irene, we divide duties.
199
00:07:31,394 --> 00:07:32,660
I give the opening remarks
200
00:07:32,662 --> 00:07:34,161
because I'm a natural public speaker.
201
00:07:34,163 --> 00:07:37,164
And look at what a great
job you did on these floors.
202
00:07:37,166 --> 00:07:40,134
You are a natural linoleum polisher.
203
00:07:40,136 --> 00:07:42,436
Thank you. Thank you.
204
00:07:42,438 --> 00:07:44,538
JOEL: I saw your bracket.
205
00:07:44,540 --> 00:07:46,507
I think Lily is a great choice.
206
00:07:46,509 --> 00:07:48,041
She is. She's gonna win the whole thing.
207
00:07:48,043 --> 00:07:49,776
And she didn't even need my help.
208
00:07:49,778 --> 00:07:52,513
Also, last night, I went online,
I found the perfect apartment.
209
00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:54,715
And it's across the street
from a Porsche dealership.
210
00:07:54,717 --> 00:07:57,117
So, all the rich guys are
gonna have two great options
211
00:07:57,119 --> 00:07:59,119
for their midlife crisis. (Clicks tongue)
212
00:07:59,121 --> 00:08:00,520
Ooh!
213
00:08:04,325 --> 00:08:06,827
I...
214
00:08:06,829 --> 00:08:09,996
keep my fertilizer...
215
00:08:09,998 --> 00:08:12,566
in a warm place
216
00:08:12,568 --> 00:08:14,668
in my back...
217
00:08:14,670 --> 00:08:16,236
uh, yard.
218
00:08:16,238 --> 00:08:18,638
Uh...
219
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,974
- Oh, God, she's freezing up.
- Okay, yeah, hold on.
220
00:08:20,976 --> 00:08:22,509
- Maybe she'll pull it out.
- LILY: Okay.
221
00:08:22,511 --> 00:08:26,580
This... this plant grew more than that one.
222
00:08:26,582 --> 00:08:28,682
Or maybe not.
223
00:08:28,684 --> 00:08:30,817
That selfish bitch.
224
00:08:30,819 --> 00:08:32,252
GINNY: Okay.
225
00:08:32,254 --> 00:08:33,687
Thank you, Lily.
226
00:08:33,689 --> 00:08:36,823
And next, we are going to be moving over
227
00:08:36,825 --> 00:08:38,625
to see Lily's competition, Victor Hu.
228
00:08:38,627 --> 00:08:40,160
When he's ready,
229
00:08:40,162 --> 00:08:42,295
he'll show us his project,
230
00:08:42,297 --> 00:08:43,697
growing a whole starfish
231
00:08:43,699 --> 00:08:45,098
from a single arm.
232
00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:47,700
I mean, there is no way
233
00:08:47,702 --> 00:08:50,670
Lily's sad presentation
is gonna beat Victor Hu.
234
00:08:50,672 --> 00:08:52,305
Well, that's what teachers are for...
235
00:08:52,307 --> 00:08:54,874
make kids beat themselves.
236
00:08:59,646 --> 00:09:01,614
Victor, hi. Walk with me.
237
00:09:01,616 --> 00:09:03,516
Did you know I dated a doctor?
238
00:09:03,518 --> 00:09:05,918
He gave me lots of stuff.
239
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,121
Most of which went away with medication.
240
00:09:08,123 --> 00:09:11,257
Don't worry about it. But he also gave me
241
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:13,826
this... a pad of presigned doctor's notes.
242
00:09:13,828 --> 00:09:17,496
- Okay, I really have to get back to...
- Yeah. How much
243
00:09:17,498 --> 00:09:19,398
do you hate gym class? Because...
244
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:23,869
I can make that go away. (Laughs) Yeah.
245
00:09:23,871 --> 00:09:27,873
I set out to grow an entire
starfish from a single arm.
246
00:09:31,611 --> 00:09:33,479
It didn't work.
247
00:09:33,481 --> 00:09:35,014
(crowd murmuring)
248
00:09:35,016 --> 00:09:36,682
Oh, well.
249
00:09:37,584 --> 00:09:39,652
JOEL: Maybe next year, guys.
250
00:09:39,654 --> 00:09:41,587
All right.
251
00:09:41,589 --> 00:09:43,923
The craziest thing just happened.
252
00:09:43,925 --> 00:09:46,091
Victor Hu just choked.
253
00:09:46,093 --> 00:09:47,960
Well, at least, he's doing better
254
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:50,262
than the formerly
star-shaped fella in here.
255
00:09:50,264 --> 00:09:52,665
Ugh! I mean, is there
anything you won't do to win?
256
00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:53,966
A gym teacher.
257
00:09:55,735 --> 00:10:00,406
Advancing to the next
round will be Lily Parker.
258
00:10:00,408 --> 00:10:02,441
(applause) Yes! We did it!
259
00:10:02,443 --> 00:10:04,777
You told me you had this
tournament in the bag.
260
00:10:04,779 --> 00:10:06,445
But you don't. That's okay, because
261
00:10:06,447 --> 00:10:07,880
you have 15 minutes before you go on again,
262
00:10:07,882 --> 00:10:09,281
and I know what to do.
263
00:10:09,283 --> 00:10:12,317
Tensions run high at special school events.
264
00:10:12,319 --> 00:10:13,819
Kids are out of their element.
265
00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:16,155
You've got parents,
teachers... it is a powder keg.
266
00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:18,457
- I'm scared.
- Fear is good. Keeps you on your toes.
267
00:10:18,459 --> 00:10:21,460
But you want to protect
yourself at all times,
268
00:10:21,462 --> 00:10:23,896
or before you know it, you'll
be getting your nurples purpled.
269
00:10:23,898 --> 00:10:25,597
And you have not known shame
270
00:10:25,599 --> 00:10:28,467
until you have to write the word
"nurple" on an insurance form.
271
00:10:28,469 --> 00:10:30,569
- GIRL: Ha-ha. Nice backpack.
- Kim, you hear that?
272
00:10:30,571 --> 00:10:33,972
A girl giving another girl a
compliment is never sincere.
273
00:10:33,974 --> 00:10:36,375
No one ever had a nice backpack. Come on!
274
00:10:36,377 --> 00:10:39,277
There's gonna be a girl fight,
and you are gonna break it up.
275
00:10:39,279 --> 00:10:42,013
Girls are the most brutal. Get
in there, drop an expression
276
00:10:42,015 --> 00:10:43,415
of dominance on them.
277
00:10:43,417 --> 00:10:44,816
I like to throw a little
Batman voice in there;
278
00:10:44,818 --> 00:10:45,784
really send the message home.
279
00:10:45,786 --> 00:10:46,985
KIM: Um...
280
00:10:46,987 --> 00:10:48,487
Hey, ladies. I couldn't help
281
00:10:48,489 --> 00:10:50,355
- but notice...
- (bystanders gasp)
282
00:10:50,357 --> 00:10:52,891
Gentlewomen, end this now.
283
00:10:52,893 --> 00:10:55,260
(deep voice): Or you'll
find out how I will end it.
284
00:10:55,262 --> 00:10:57,462
GIRL: Sorry, Principal Carl.
285
00:10:58,598 --> 00:11:00,865
I knew I wasn't cut out for this.
286
00:11:00,867 --> 00:11:03,134
Well, you tried, Kim. That's
the most important part
287
00:11:03,136 --> 00:11:04,836
of fight prevention. And life.
288
00:11:04,838 --> 00:11:10,241
Wow, so many things are about
one thing and also about life.
289
00:11:10,243 --> 00:11:13,445
Mm-hmm. I love to make dip.
290
00:11:13,447 --> 00:11:14,612
(Ginny giggles)
291
00:11:14,614 --> 00:11:16,748
Oh, yes.
292
00:11:16,750 --> 00:11:18,583
And glasses.
293
00:11:18,585 --> 00:11:21,219
Oh, you look so smart.
294
00:11:21,221 --> 00:11:23,154
Lost and Found comes through again.
295
00:11:23,156 --> 00:11:24,689
Just don't use condoms from there.
296
00:11:24,691 --> 00:11:26,724
Trish Kelly learned that
lesson freshman year.
297
00:11:26,726 --> 00:11:28,927
That lesson just turned 12.
298
00:11:32,898 --> 00:11:35,400
I don't know about all this stuff.
299
00:11:35,402 --> 00:11:37,302
It... it feels wrong.
300
00:11:37,304 --> 00:11:39,003
Someday you're gonna learn
301
00:11:39,005 --> 00:11:41,639
that anything worth doing feels wrong.
302
00:11:41,641 --> 00:11:43,141
And we're not changing the data.
303
00:11:43,143 --> 00:11:44,542
We're just zhuzzing up how we say it.
304
00:11:44,544 --> 00:11:46,077
It's like science on cocaine.
305
00:11:46,079 --> 00:11:48,413
Which is not cool.
306
00:11:48,415 --> 00:11:50,681
"Don't do drugs."
307
00:11:52,718 --> 00:11:55,086
Ready to see me win some money?
308
00:11:55,088 --> 00:11:57,288
I fixed Lily's presentation.
309
00:11:58,657 --> 00:12:01,492
My stepmom and dad said
I couldn't get a puppy.
310
00:12:01,494 --> 00:12:03,828
So they got me a plant.
311
00:12:03,830 --> 00:12:06,163
(everyone awwing sympathetically)
312
00:12:06,165 --> 00:12:08,566
LILY: Life gave me lemons,
313
00:12:08,568 --> 00:12:11,068
and I made science.
314
00:12:11,070 --> 00:12:13,804
(rock music begins)
315
00:12:13,806 --> 00:12:15,773
(whooping)
316
00:12:15,775 --> 00:12:17,108
I showered one plant with attention
317
00:12:17,110 --> 00:12:18,709
to see if it would grow bigger
318
00:12:18,711 --> 00:12:21,445
- Science, science, science...
- ... and better than this one.
319
00:12:21,447 --> 00:12:23,013
So... do you want to see it?
320
00:12:23,015 --> 00:12:24,548
- Yeah!
- (Cheering)
321
00:12:24,550 --> 00:12:26,984
I can't hear you. Who wants to see it?
322
00:12:26,986 --> 00:12:31,956
- (cheering)
- Here is the plant that love built!
323
00:12:31,958 --> 00:12:34,658
(cheering)
324
00:12:34,660 --> 00:12:35,926
Heck, yeah, it worked!
325
00:12:35,928 --> 00:12:38,128
By a whopping 140 millimeters.
326
00:12:38,130 --> 00:12:40,231
(cheering and applause)
327
00:12:42,033 --> 00:12:43,834
That is, uh... that's pretty impressive.
328
00:12:43,836 --> 00:12:45,369
She killed it.
329
00:12:45,371 --> 00:12:47,638
Thank you.
330
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,006
I... I want to announce this one.
331
00:12:49,008 --> 00:12:50,274
Uh, too late
332
00:12:50,276 --> 00:12:51,809
'cause I already have the clipboard.
333
00:12:51,811 --> 00:12:54,978
But you can announce the
garbage cans are empty
334
00:12:54,980 --> 00:12:57,648
after you've emptied
them. Oh, and cute wig.
335
00:13:00,852 --> 00:13:05,789
Okay. And moving on to the next round is...
336
00:13:05,791 --> 00:13:08,458
Lily and her amazing plant!
337
00:13:08,460 --> 00:13:10,394
(cheering and applause) Hey-o!
338
00:13:10,396 --> 00:13:11,828
(Joel whoops)
339
00:13:12,897 --> 00:13:15,232
Wait, why are you cheering?
340
00:13:15,234 --> 00:13:17,968
What? I picked a long
shot to win, too. Oops.
341
00:13:17,970 --> 00:13:20,704
My loser? But you know I need that money...
342
00:13:20,706 --> 00:13:22,172
They clapped for me.
343
00:13:22,174 --> 00:13:25,475
- Aren't you happy?
- I'm so happy.
344
00:13:25,477 --> 00:13:28,745
But, apparently, I'm splitting
my happiness two ways.
345
00:13:32,088 --> 00:13:33,621
Walk, walk, walk.
346
00:13:33,623 --> 00:13:36,091
I can't believe you
piggybacked on my long shot.
347
00:13:36,093 --> 00:13:37,926
I need this. What do
you need the money for?
348
00:13:37,928 --> 00:13:39,594
A fancy whistle? Formal sweatpants?
349
00:13:39,596 --> 00:13:41,529
I'm actually helping my mom
with her cataract surgery.
350
00:13:41,531 --> 00:13:43,398
- Aw...
- And/or getting a new PlayStation.
351
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,600
Well, then get a better job. Look at me.
352
00:13:45,602 --> 00:13:48,703
I don't belong here. I
used to have everything,
353
00:13:48,705 --> 00:13:51,940
and now I'm basically living in
the guest house of my old life.
354
00:13:51,942 --> 00:13:54,876
An apartment for me isn't just a place
355
00:13:54,878 --> 00:13:57,211
to do filthy things with rich men...
356
00:13:57,213 --> 00:13:59,514
it's my chance to start over.
357
00:13:59,516 --> 00:14:01,315
So, sorry if I don't care
358
00:14:01,317 --> 00:14:04,085
about some gym teacher's mom's broken eyes.
359
00:14:04,087 --> 00:14:07,922
This money means I can move
out and finally start over.
360
00:14:07,924 --> 00:14:11,559
I found Lily, I got her here,
I deserve to win the pool.
361
00:14:11,561 --> 00:14:13,895
Find your own nobody to bet on.
362
00:14:19,168 --> 00:14:20,535
And now...
363
00:14:20,537 --> 00:14:23,471
our first Little Scientists finalist,
364
00:14:23,473 --> 00:14:25,439
Lily Parker.
365
00:14:25,441 --> 00:14:27,074
(whoops)
366
00:14:30,612 --> 00:14:32,980
People say plants just need
367
00:14:32,982 --> 00:14:37,985
sunlight and water and... whatever.
368
00:14:37,987 --> 00:14:40,855
But people are dumb
and hurt other people...
369
00:14:40,857 --> 00:14:41,856
Time out!
370
00:14:41,858 --> 00:14:43,657
Time out! (Chuckles)
371
00:14:43,659 --> 00:14:46,560
Time out. Can I talk to you?
372
00:14:46,562 --> 00:14:48,229
What are you doing?
373
00:14:48,231 --> 00:14:49,763
You're blowing everything.
374
00:14:49,765 --> 00:14:52,299
You only care 'cause you're betting on me.
375
00:14:52,301 --> 00:14:54,535
There are no time-outs in science.
376
00:14:54,537 --> 00:14:56,570
The pressure is getting to her.
377
00:14:56,572 --> 00:14:59,473
(gasps) I have got just the thing for you.
378
00:14:59,475 --> 00:15:03,143
Hey. Go get half a benzo
out of Sally Kimball's desk.
379
00:15:03,145 --> 00:15:04,845
And make sure you replace it with a Tic Tac
380
00:15:04,847 --> 00:15:06,513
so she doesn't know any
are missing. And make sure
381
00:15:06,515 --> 00:15:07,981
you don't take any of the eight Tic Tacs
382
00:15:07,983 --> 00:15:08,982
that are already in there.
383
00:15:08,984 --> 00:15:10,184
Now scat.
384
00:15:10,186 --> 00:15:11,218
Principal Carl,
385
00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:13,454
Ms. Davis and Coach Kotsky
386
00:15:13,456 --> 00:15:14,955
are betting on the science fair.
387
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:17,157
They don't care about the tournament
388
00:15:17,159 --> 00:15:18,392
or the kids in it.
389
00:15:18,394 --> 00:15:20,661
Lily, wait...
390
00:15:20,663 --> 00:15:23,230
You're not going anywhere, Ms. Davis.
391
00:15:24,766 --> 00:15:26,200
Betting on a school function?
392
00:15:26,202 --> 00:15:28,035
That is unacceptable.
393
00:15:28,037 --> 00:15:30,437
Okay, okay. Here's the truth.
394
00:15:30,439 --> 00:15:32,105
Joel's running everything,
395
00:15:32,107 --> 00:15:34,174
so you should really be
focusing your anger on him,
396
00:15:34,176 --> 00:15:37,444
not me. And don't listen to his sob story
397
00:15:37,446 --> 00:15:39,780
about his mom's broken eyes.
398
00:15:41,015 --> 00:15:43,383
CARL: Illegal wagering on a school event?
399
00:15:43,385 --> 00:15:44,818
- Really?
- JOEL: We don't... we don't call it
400
00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:46,486
gambling. You know, w... we see it more
401
00:15:46,488 --> 00:15:48,422
as an experiment in probability.
402
00:15:48,424 --> 00:15:52,025
Coach Kotsky, don't you dare
try and put lipstick on this pig.
403
00:15:52,027 --> 00:15:54,761
I'm confiscating that pool
money when this is over.
404
00:15:54,763 --> 00:15:57,664
I am very disappointed that
you have tarnished the good name
405
00:15:57,666 --> 00:15:59,733
of Richard Nixon Middle School.
406
00:16:00,968 --> 00:16:03,904
This is why I have to
bug all of the offices.
407
00:16:03,906 --> 00:16:05,605
Now let's get back to the fair.
408
00:16:05,607 --> 00:16:08,675
Lily, when you told me about
your project on the bus,
409
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:11,544
I thought it sounded good.
I thought you could win.
410
00:16:11,546 --> 00:16:14,414
- Yeah, we both did.
- Yeah, but I thought so first and he cheated off me.
411
00:16:14,416 --> 00:16:15,949
LILY: Just let me pack up.
412
00:16:15,951 --> 00:16:17,384
It's over.
413
00:16:17,386 --> 00:16:19,853
I bet on you because I believe in you.
414
00:16:19,855 --> 00:16:22,856
I know people say that to kids
all the time, but I mean it.
415
00:16:22,858 --> 00:16:25,125
I put my money where my mouth is.
416
00:16:25,127 --> 00:16:28,761
Money is way more valuable than free words.
417
00:16:28,763 --> 00:16:30,196
Lily, we could sit here and argue
418
00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:31,631
about how Ms. Davis feels about you,
419
00:16:31,633 --> 00:16:33,366
but we both know how she feels about money.
420
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,568
(chuckles) She does like money.
421
00:16:35,570 --> 00:16:36,903
- I do. I...
- She loves it.
422
00:16:36,905 --> 00:16:38,304
It's one of her likes on Facebook.
423
00:16:38,306 --> 00:16:40,473
Look, your project, talking to plants,
424
00:16:40,475 --> 00:16:43,376
in the real world, is so sad.
425
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:47,347
Like "Benihana-for-one" sad. But here
426
00:16:47,349 --> 00:16:51,417
it's great. So don't you want
to go in there and try to win?
427
00:16:51,419 --> 00:16:53,986
Because I really think you can.
428
00:16:55,022 --> 00:16:56,956
I know I can.
429
00:16:56,958 --> 00:16:58,491
Good girl.
430
00:16:59,626 --> 00:17:01,761
"Benihana for one." That
is... that is very sad.
431
00:17:01,763 --> 00:17:03,930
I once heard Carl make a
reservation there for one,
432
00:17:03,932 --> 00:17:05,498
and it stuck with me.
433
00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:07,533
LILY: Is positive attention
as essential as sun,
434
00:17:07,535 --> 00:17:10,269
food and water to grow? As of last night,
435
00:17:10,271 --> 00:17:14,707
my plant had grown 140
millimeters more than that one.
436
00:17:14,709 --> 00:17:16,609
What gives, Fingerprints?
437
00:17:16,611 --> 00:17:18,144
I'm presenting this.
438
00:17:18,146 --> 00:17:19,879
Every year, I get stuck
with all the terrible jobs.
439
00:17:19,881 --> 00:17:21,313
And you know what?
440
00:17:21,315 --> 00:17:22,348
I'm the science teacher.
441
00:17:22,350 --> 00:17:23,916
These are my star students.
442
00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:25,818
And I am announcing the winner.
443
00:17:25,820 --> 00:17:27,653
And if you don't like it,
you can have your own fair.
444
00:17:27,655 --> 00:17:29,455
Oh, wait, a stupid history fair?
445
00:17:29,457 --> 00:17:30,790
No one would give a...
446
00:17:30,792 --> 00:17:32,458
(whispers): rat's hindquarters.
447
00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:35,494
And today my plant grew an
additional two millimeters.
448
00:17:35,496 --> 00:17:38,998
Nurturing is the key
to growing your plants.
449
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,667
And you know what? It
works with people, too.
450
00:17:41,669 --> 00:17:44,470
You know, she's talking about me.
451
00:17:44,472 --> 00:17:46,572
I'd like to dedicate this to my dad.
452
00:17:46,574 --> 00:17:49,508
- Ooh.
- (Applause)
453
00:17:49,510 --> 00:17:51,076
I don't see him here.
454
00:17:52,345 --> 00:17:54,546
I understand that you're upset.
455
00:17:54,548 --> 00:17:56,181
But I am presenting
456
00:17:56,183 --> 00:17:57,750
this trophy.
457
00:17:57,752 --> 00:17:58,751
- Oh, Irene, no.
- Oh, yes, I am.
458
00:17:58,753 --> 00:18:01,153
- Really...
- Excuse me.
459
00:18:01,155 --> 00:18:02,020
Not now, Kim.
460
00:18:02,022 --> 00:18:03,655
Yes, now. Dear teachers
461
00:18:03,657 --> 00:18:05,390
for whom I have a deep admiration...
462
00:18:05,392 --> 00:18:07,092
Um, Batman voice.
463
00:18:07,094 --> 00:18:08,794
(deep, growly voice):
The kids are watching.
464
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:11,096
Is this what you want them to see?
465
00:18:11,098 --> 00:18:13,799
- Wow.
- Kim's James Earl Jones impression is right.
466
00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:16,335
- It is?
- Yes, it is, Kim. I'm very proud of you.
467
00:18:16,337 --> 00:18:17,903
I knew you could do it. Well,
468
00:18:17,905 --> 00:18:19,671
it just took you believing in me
469
00:18:19,673 --> 00:18:21,506
and a Tic Tac from Sally Kimball.
470
00:18:21,508 --> 00:18:24,276
I think it was a Tic Tac. I don't know.
471
00:18:25,411 --> 00:18:27,379
I feel terrible, Irene.
472
00:18:27,381 --> 00:18:30,582
I guess I was just working so hard
473
00:18:30,584 --> 00:18:33,285
that I lost sight of how
hard you were working, too.
474
00:18:33,287 --> 00:18:37,255
Maybe even a scootch more than me, so...
475
00:18:37,257 --> 00:18:40,091
you should announce the winner.
476
00:18:40,093 --> 00:18:43,528
Oh, no, Ginny.
477
00:18:43,530 --> 00:18:45,197
You should announce the...
478
00:18:45,199 --> 00:18:46,631
Okay, great!
479
00:18:46,633 --> 00:18:48,900
The winner of
480
00:18:48,902 --> 00:18:51,570
the 2014 Tournament
481
00:18:51,572 --> 00:18:53,104
of Little Scientists is...
482
00:18:53,106 --> 00:18:54,673
Lily Parker!
483
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:57,075
(cheering and applause)
484
00:19:00,246 --> 00:19:02,213
I told you.
485
00:19:02,215 --> 00:19:04,883
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thanks.
486
00:19:04,885 --> 00:19:06,518
I never thought I could win.
487
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,920
But are you mad that
you didn't get any money?
488
00:19:08,922 --> 00:19:11,589
- I know you wanted to move.
- Oh. That was
489
00:19:11,591 --> 00:19:14,225
barely enough for a studio.
It's like, what am I, a runaway?
490
00:19:14,227 --> 00:19:16,594
- It was nice having you here.
- Thanks.
491
00:19:16,596 --> 00:19:18,863
But I'm still mad at Dad and Brie, though.
492
00:19:18,865 --> 00:19:20,932
Go easy on them, okay? And, remember,
493
00:19:20,934 --> 00:19:23,434
your biological mother's
a total nightmare, too.
494
00:19:23,436 --> 00:19:26,504
- Anyway, go show your friends your trophy.
- All right.
495
00:19:26,506 --> 00:19:29,140
- Congratulations.
- JOEL: I'm... I'm really sorry
496
00:19:29,142 --> 00:19:32,110
we bet on the science fair.
You know, it won't happen again.
497
00:19:32,112 --> 00:19:34,245
Well, it was nice seeing
the kids and the teachers
498
00:19:34,247 --> 00:19:35,847
wrapped up in this one together.
499
00:19:35,849 --> 00:19:38,015
- Now hand over the cash.
- (Groans)
500
00:19:38,017 --> 00:19:39,450
Ugh...
501
00:19:40,352 --> 00:19:43,254
Sixty-five dollars!
502
00:19:43,256 --> 00:19:45,389
That is quite a haul. You know what?
503
00:19:45,391 --> 00:19:46,891
I'm gonna give this to the kids.
504
00:19:46,893 --> 00:19:48,793
- Wow.
- MEREDITH: Oh, God.
505
00:19:48,795 --> 00:19:52,363
Because I've actually been
trying to raise money to fix
506
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:54,498
the Nixon mural.
507
00:19:55,834 --> 00:19:59,337
- That is a fantastic idea. Here you go.
- (Gasps)
508
00:19:59,339 --> 00:20:00,771
Thank you.
509
00:20:00,773 --> 00:20:03,441
(clears throat) It's...
510
00:20:03,443 --> 00:20:05,843
it's $100.
511
00:20:05,845 --> 00:20:07,411
(clicks tongue)
512
00:20:07,413 --> 00:20:09,080
Looks like I'm gonna have
to contribute the rest.
513
00:20:09,082 --> 00:20:12,483
- That's so cool.
- (Chuckles) Well, use it wisely.
514
00:20:12,485 --> 00:20:14,752
That is my Benihana money.
515
00:20:18,323 --> 00:20:21,325
- Okay, that felt wrong.
- Well...
516
00:20:21,327 --> 00:20:23,561
that's how you know it was worth doing.
517
00:20:23,563 --> 00:20:26,764
This is your payback,
moneygrabber...
518
00:20:30,778 --> 00:20:32,646
Looks like you showed your
plant some love and she grew.
519
00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:34,014
MEREDITH: Ugh. Don't be weird.
520
00:20:34,016 --> 00:20:35,715
Where's my money?
521
00:20:35,717 --> 00:20:38,285
I always thought I'd be leaving
this on your dresser. Hmm.
522
00:20:38,287 --> 00:20:39,853
So, what are you gonna do with it?
523
00:20:39,855 --> 00:20:42,522
Well, it's not enough
to move out, but, uh...
524
00:20:42,524 --> 00:20:46,326
I have some ideas.
525
00:20:49,530 --> 00:20:51,264
(rattling doorknob)
526
00:20:51,966 --> 00:20:55,301
LOUIS: Miss Meredith?
Sweetie, my key's not working.
527
00:20:55,303 --> 00:20:58,237
Did you change the locks?
Lupe has to heat up her soup.
528
00:20:58,239 --> 00:20:59,805
Oh, no. Too bad.
529
00:21:00,307 --> 00:21:01,740
Better tell Lupe to start
packing some sandwiches.
530
00:21:05,056 --> 00:21:10,741
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00:21:10,791 --> 00:21:15,341
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