Original subtitles

# Ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba Ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba

# When the world in which you're living

# Gets a bit too much to bear

# And you need someone to lean on

# When you look, there's no-one there

# You're gonna find me # Ba-ba ba-ba

# Out in the country # Ba-ba ba-ba

# Yeah, you're gonna find me # Ba-ba ba-ba

# Way out in the country # Ba-ba-ba #

(SHEEP BLEATS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION OUTSIDE)

Coo-ee!

Hello?

Hello? It's us.

We, er, did see you, you know.

STEVE: No, no sign of it. NICKY: Damn. Mm.

Oh, hi! Why were you hiding?

Oh, we were just looking for an earring. Contact lens.

Anyway, come in. Would you like a cup of tea?

No, thanks. We just wanted to ask if there's anything we can do.

Erm...

For the party. Party? Yes, your party.

You remember, when you moved in,

we said, "When's the housewarming party?"

Oh, right. And we said, "When the building work's finished."

Yeah, we're still... No, you said, "In six months' time, come what may,

we will be having a housewarming party.

Put the date in your diary," you said. Did you?

It's the 17th. Two weeks on Saturday.

Yeah, well... The thing is...

Oh, yeah, here we go. What did I tell you?

You're not having second thoughts, are you?

I said to Meena, "I bet this so-called party of theirs never happens."

Typical townies. Say one thing, do another.

You said there'll be a bouncy castle. Oh, never mind, Pipps.

Maybe we can have a party and invite Steve and Nicky.

No, no. We are gonna have a party, like we said we would.

Yeah, course we are.

Or we could say we've just found out our garden is radioactive,

so we're gonna have to put it off for a few thousand years.

We're not gonna cancel it. I'm not giving them the satisfaction. We'd never hear the end of it.

What, you mean actually have a party? Yeah. Why not?

We could invite everyone from Leeds. How are we gonna pay for it?

What about the Christmas money? We spent it. When? Easter.

Well, it doesn't have to cost that much, does it?

You get people to bring a bottle, ask them to bring some food.

Have it at their place. It'd be more convenient for everyone.

All I'm saying is it might do us some good.

Maybe we should be positive for a change.

What, pretend we like it here? Yeah.

Put a few tables in the garden, some fairy lights, bit of music...

Before you know it, we could actually be

having a really good time, surrounded by all our old friends.

With a bit of luck, one of 'em might get drunk enough to buy the place. Even better.

(OWL HOOTS)

A party? Yes, Dad, and you're invited.

We always said we'd have a housewarming party

once we'd settled in. Can I just check something?

Oh, no, the elves haven't been in and finished your living room.

You wanna get that sorted before you do anything else.

And that crack in your chimney doesn't look too clever to me.

That's always been there. I'm just saying I would have thought

there's better things to spend your money on than a party.

I take it you're not coming, then. No, I'll be there.

Will our Zoe be coming? No, she's at her friend's 21st party.

What about your two? Ah, no, they're really busy.

Chris has just started a new job and Andy is working weekends.

Doing all right, those two, aren't they? Yeah, they are. Thanks, Ken.

Do they take after their mother?

Anyway, they're really busy. Yeah, and it's quite a long way to drive.

I could have told you that before you bought the place. Did you not look at a map?

Anyway, Dad, we're having a party.

It'd be really nice to see all our old friends again.

No, no, I totally understand. Yeah.

Well, it is a long way to come.

Well, maybe you could share a lift with Aaron and...

Oh, they're not coming either? No, we...we hadn't heard.

All right, well, love to Jenny. Yeah, bye.

Aaron and Liz can't make it? No.

Neither can Cal and Jenny. What's their excuse?

They're going to a farmers' market.

Oh, why come to the countryside when the farmers

will bring the scented candles and lemon curd to you?

So, how many is that in total? (SIGHS)

24. Oh, well, that's not bad.

No, 24 can't make it. How many are definitely coming?

Two. Two?

Is that two, plus Brian and Keith, or just Brian and Keith?

Just Brian and Keith. Oh, no.

Well, you have to admire them. What for? Challenging stereotypes.

Until I met them I thought all gay people were good company.

(MOBILE CHIMES) Oh, don't tell me that's someone else can't make it.

No, it's Grizzo. What does he want? Wants to Skype me.

He's got a favour to ask. Is he still on tour? Yeah.

Probably wants me to go and feed his alligators or something.

See you later. Bye.

All right, Steve? Ah, hi, Grizzo. How's it going?

Yeah, not bad. You? Yeah. What can I do for you?

Eh? You said you wanted a favour.

Oh, yeah. (LAUGHS) That was it.

What it is, would you mind checking my rainfall gauge?

What? My rainfall gauge.

It's up at the house by the main gate.

Why have you got a rainfall gauge?

So I can see how much rain there's been. Anyway, I'm in Barcelona,

I bumped into Robbie Williams, and we've had a bet.

He reckons his place in Scotland gets more rain than we get where we are.

What, you mean where I am?

Oh, right. (LAUGHS) Yeah.

I'm not there, am I? No, you're not, no.

That's why I want you to check my rainfall gauge for me.

Is it raining there now? Yep. (LAUGHS)

Result! Let's hope it keeps going.

Ah, well, not really. We've got our party on Saturday.

Oh, yeah! Yeah, thanks for the invite.

I'm definitely coming to that. Don't feel you have to come.

Steve, I'm telling you, I'll be there.

Village life is what keeps me grounded.

WOMAN: Come on, Grizzo! Yeah, yeah, just coming, Taylor.

Sorry, mate. Gotta go. Yeah, I...

You got anything smaller? It's �18.40.

(TUTS)

Oh, is that bunting? Yeah. Oh... Not for sale.

It's for our own personal use. Right. Royal occasions.

Queen's birthday.

Prince Charles' birthday.

William's birthday.

Kate's birthday. George's birthday.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Harry's birthday.

Andrew's birthday.

Edward's birthday.

Not Fergie's.

We don't count her as royal, not any more.

Anyway, what do you want with bunting? Oh, I was just...

Erm... We're having a housewarming party, and -

When is it? Erm... Saturday.

Gareth! Do we want to go to a party? GARETH: You what?

Do we want to go to a housewarming party?

No, I was just - When is it?

Saturday. Will there be food?

Erm... There will be, yeah. We'll be there.

Oh, what's this? Oh, hello, Bronson.

I was just talking to your mum.

She's having a housewarming party. Oh, when's that?

GARETH: Saturday.

Yeah, reckon I could do that. Who says you're invited?

N...No, please come.

Erm, you're all invited. Cheers.

I didn't. They just heard the word "party" and invited themselves.

What if they tell everyone? The whole village turns up.

It'll be like Night Of The Living Dead.

Oh, it's only the three of them.

And on the plus side, we might finally get to meet Gareth.

The invisible man? Have you ever seen him? Don't think anybody has.

I'm starting to wonder if he exists. Maybe Shannon's a ventriloquist.

"You what?" Saw your lips move. What did Grizzo want?

Oh, he wanted me to go and check his rainfall gauge. Eh? Don't ask.

Mm, all right, Steve? How's it going?

Not bad, Grizzo. You get that reading I sent you?

Yeah, nice one, cheers. We're 3-mil ahead of Robbie.

Please tell me it's still raining. Afraid not.

It's stopped at the moment. Oh, bummer.

It's chucking it down in Scotland.

I'm gonna owe him a grand piano at this rate.

Well, I could always go and top it up for you.

What? You know, help it along a bit.

You mean...cheat?

Yeah, sort of.

Steve, if you topped up the rainfall gauge,

that would make this whole thing utterly pointless.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

We'd just be wasting our time.

Ah. (CHUCKLES) Thanks, mate.

Anyway, I'll see you at the party.

Well, it would be cheating.

If you start doing that, where does it end up?

Well, it ends up with him winning a grand piano off Robbie Williams.

It's still cheating. (CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, great (!) It's my dad.

I wanted to make sure everything is in hand for this party of yours.

Oh, thanks, Dad. Now, you'll be needing some tables and chairs.

I've had a word at the village hall. 50 quid and they're yours for the day.

Fifty quid? I've just forked out �80 on a bouncy castle.

We don't need any chairs. Most of our mates have dropped out.

It'll probably only be a dozen people.

What do you mean? The whole village is coming.

I've just been at the bowls club. They're all talking about it. (SIGHS) What did I tell you?

I just mentioned it in the shop. I didn't invite everyone.

Good luck stopping 'em, cos they're all coming, every last one of them.

And the way they're talking, they're expecting a decent spread.

Cost us a fortune. It will, if you waste all your money on bouncy castles.

You wanna get on the phone and cancel that, for starters.

We said there'd be one. It's for the kids.

I didn't think it was for the lads from the British Legion.

You're the one who wanted a party. We both did, Dad.

And now we both don't.

Well, you'd best get some more beers in,

or else you'll have a riot on your hands.

Anyway, I'll bring the tables and chairs over before Saturday.

Thanks. See you. Oh...

Is that Bronson gonna be there? Everyone's been asking.

Yeah, he is. Oh, good. I had no idea he was so popular.

He's not. They just wanna know where the bugger is.

They're not gonna leave their houses empty

if that thieving toe-rag's roaming around the village.

I'm actually quite looking forward to this.

Yeah. Just a shame our friends aren't coming.

Oh, well, sounds like the whole village are coming instead.

Yeah, well, if it all goes well,

they might even start talking to us, or at least stop snarling.

You make it sound like they're gonna come marching over the hill

carrying pitchforks and torches. Well...

Do you think we've got enough beer? Let's hope so.

Remember, Bronson's coming. If we run out,

I could give him the toner fluid from my printer. (CHUCKLES)

(HORN BEEPS) Who's this?

Oh, no, it's Brian and Keith.

Really? They're two hours early.

Sorry we're early. We were expecting traffic,

but as it turns out, it was pretty clear.

There were one set of roadworks just before Ripon, weren't there?

But we flew through those. Straight through, no bother.

Then we turned off at the A168 and from then on it was plain sailing.

There were that one tractor we got stuck behind, but -

Anyway, you're here now. We got here half an hour ago.

We thought, "Seeing as we're early, we'll go into the village

and find a cafe or something," but there didn't seem to be one.

With hindsight, we should have stopped at that diner on the A61.

They do a very good breakfast. Anyway, who fancies a drink?

Actually, I wouldn't mind a cup of tea. Oh, me too.

Right, well, you put the kettle on, Steve,

and I'll take these crisps out. What, already? Yeah.

4.99.

What? The breakfast at the diner.

Including toast and tea. Or coffee.

Mm. You can have tea or coffee.

But we had tea with ours.

I mean, yes, it is a luxury. But it's not a gas-guzzler.

We get 42 miles to the gallon, don't we? Wow!

I mean, obviously, we wouldn't get that in town. No.

But we hardly ever use it in town. We walk everywhere, don't we?

Unless it's raining, like it were on Tuesday.

Thought it would never stop.

Oh, that's reminded me, I've got to go and Skype someone.

I mean, you can get a two-litre version. Can you?

But the 1.5l handles just as well.

Mm. Nought to 60 in eight seconds, no problem.

Oh, you're joking. No, sorry.

Unbelievable. They've had thunderstorms in Scotland.

It's even chucking it down here. Looks like you lost your bet. Mm.

That's another life lesson, Steve. What's that, gambling? No.

Don't ever bet on rainfall against Robbie Williams.

Yeah, I'll bear it in mind. Still, at least it's OK for our party.

Oh, yeah. When is it? It's today. Oh, it's today, is it?

No worries. I'll definitely be there.

You're in Barcelona. I know.

I'm flying home in a bit. I'll see you later.

So, we're two-nil up against Barnsley. Then they get a penalty.

And before you know it we've lost three-two.

Typical Leeds United. I don't know why we keep going.

Anyway, the next game - Hey, it's Matt and Meena!

Hey, Matt! Meena! It's so good to see you.

Nice welcome. We should bring food more often.

(ALL LAUGH)

This is a vegetable tagine.

All of the vegetables are home-grown.

We've got our names down for an allotment. Oh, well done.

And this is a carrot and chickpea salad. I love chickpeas.

And this is Matt's extra-hot chilli jam.

Careful. Not for the faint-hearted.

(LAUGHTER)

They're made for each other. Yep.

Dull and duller. (CHUCKLES)

Never mind, it'll soon liven up when the villagers get here. Yeah.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, hi, Bronson. All right?

Glad to see you here. So is everybody.

Oh, cheers.

And we all know why.

You wanna keep an eye on him.

If it's not screwed to the floor, he'll have it away.

You're too suspicious, Ken. Intuition.

I can read people like a book.

Tuck in. Help yourself to a plate.

No, you're all right. Not really hungry.

Where's Gareth? Dunno. I'd love to meet him.

He were here a minute ago.

Gareth!

I mean, we looked at this place. It needs a lot of work done.

Which, surprise, surprise, they haven't got round to.

We were worried about the crack in the chimney.

They'll get penetrating damp.

Well, when we lived next door to 'em in Leeds, their outside light went.

He didn't change the bulb for weeks.

I said to Keith, "How many website designers does it take

to change a light bulb?" (ALL LAUGH)

Oh, that is classic.

And how many does it take?

See? Told you. What?

Look at that. Look!

Even if it's free, he'll pinch it.

There you go, gents. This one's on me.

(CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You all right, Alice? Oh, yes, thank you, dear.

Can I get you a drink? We've got lemonade,

or I could make you a cup of tea. Oh, did I see some wine?

Wine, yeah. White or red? I'll have a bottle of the red.

A bottle? Well, it'll save me getting up and down.

Yeah.

Oh, Shannon. Did you find Gareth?

Yeah. So where is he?

Think he went inside. I'll go and fetch him for you.

Oh, I'll come with you.

Yeah, mate, I'll be round t'back.

All right. Cool.

I said, "Steve, the reason they don't taste very nice

is they're not onions, they're tulip bulbs."

(LAUGHTER)

Hi, Steve!

We love your neighbours. Yeah.

Where are those awful ones you warned us to avoid?

Er... I don't think I said that. Yes, you did.

No, no. I think... I meant, erm... the other neighbours.

There aren't any other neighbours. No. Well, I mean, what I mean is...

Er... (CLEARS THROAT)

Anyway, I'd better go and, er...

Gareth? No, no, if he's in - Are you in there, Gareth?

GARETH: You what? Are you in there? Yes.

He's in t'toilet. I know. It's fine.

There's a lady here wants to meet you.

I don't think she'd want to meet me at this particular moment.

Something on that buffet table has disagreed with me.

I think it were that chilli jam!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

It's going all right, isn't it? (CHUCKLING) Yeah.

What are you laughing at? Your dad seems to have made some new friends.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, good God.

Let's hope the subject of gay marriage doesn't come up.

This wine's lovely.

Is there any more?

All right, Dad? Yeah. To be fair, it's not a bad party.

I've just been talking to Brian and Keith.

Smashing lads. Leeds United fans.

I'm gonna meet up with them next Saturday and go to the match.

Great. And then, afterwards,

we were talking about maybe going to see Carousel.

It's on at the Playhouse. I thought, why not? Make a change.

I'm sure it will, Dad.

(CREAKING)

Do you know what? I think this is the first time

I've sort of almost not totally hated being here.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

Nice one, lads.

(MOBILE CHIMES)

Huh! What do you know? Grizzo. Says he is coming.

I thought he was in Barcelona. He was.

Apparently, he flew back today. Says he'll be here any minute.

Oh, great. He can give Brian and Keith a traffic update.

It'll make their day. (CHUCKLES)

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

(SCREAMING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(CREAKING)

Ooh!

I told you you should have got that chimney sorted.

Steve! Nicky! How's it going?

(LAUGHS)

Looks like I missed one hell of a party!

(GUEST BURPS)

(SIGHS)

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