Original subtitles

So kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that you'll wait for me

Hold me like you'll never let me go...

Come on, Smoocher, you know this one!

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

Oh, Martin, could you go via Boots? I need to get some clean tights.

Good idea.

Oh, while you're there, you might like to stock up on C-O-N-D-O-Ms.

O-K!

Dad! I can spell!

Love that guy!

Who was that randomer?

Our fairy godfather.

You know how we are in uno poquito di serious financial trouble-io?

No.

Well, I managed to turn our remaining 20 grand

into a cool two million. Go on?

That "randomer" is Dr Goodluck Yultide Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo.

the Nigerian Minister of Finance.

Oh, God. He wanted a short-term cash loan for the purchase of a contested

oil field in rural Nigeria, and some medicines for his mother.

He promised returns of up to 1,000%!

Oh. Shit.

That's Fr-Asda price.

Yes!

Oh, dear, that's the last of the coffee.

I hope no one minds - I was up all night.

Urgh, God.

Look, I don't want to sound like a broken record, but who's to say

Dr Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo won't come good?

The receipt he gave you was on a Burger King napkin,

made out to "the big bank in the town".

He said he was in the same class as Howard from the Halifax

at Bank School. Bank School!?

Amazing.

Oh, Betty Swallocks!

So what, Fraser's lost us a bit of money.

It's not the end of the world.

Not so.

We have to prove our solvency by Wednesday, otherwise

Abbey Grove faces closure by default.

Well let's, I don't know, put on a fundraiser?

Oh, that is a good idea.

We're not a charity case yet, Smoocher.

Don't call me that! And have you got any bright ideas?

A spare 20 grand tucked away in that bra of yours?

Oh, I don't appear to be wearing one!

Somebody broke the latch with his teeth.

For Christ's sake! Grrr!

Papa Wickers not the only animal in the family.

This one's hung like a horse.

A sea horse.

Ooh, double act. Bant and Dec.

Kill me. Hey I've got a fun and really funky idea!

Why don't all the staff take pay cuts?

I'm afraid my salary is non-negotiable.

Martin and I are saving up for...

..something.

Chemical castration, chemical castration.

The solution to the school's problem is austerity.

To keep the current salary structure in place,

we must make swingeing cuts.

You may have noticed Mrs Westurby's absence.

Mrs Westurby?

Has she got a mole?

Smells of biscuits?

Can't have children? Baron von Westurby!

No, that's Mrs Vanderby. Baron Vanderby.

I'll stop saying baron now.

Alfie, could you cover Mrs Westurby's biology class?

I can barely teach history.

Urgh, fine.

How are you going to be helping?

I'm going to shut down the library.

I've got it. The art block, they've got a Henry Moore!

That must be worth loads. We could sell it?

Had.

They had a Henry Moore. I might have swapped it.

You swapped it?

What for?

It was one of only 30 used on the set of Phantom Menace.

It belonged to Senator Palpatine!

Why are you all wearing your coats?

Cos your mum turned off the heating.

Professor Green is not my mum.

She banged your dad. She's your mum.

You must have a lot of dads then.

Sir, I'm freezing. Will you share your body heat with me?

No. Why is there no heating?

If you must know, the school is having some financial problems.

Why don't you sell your organs, sir?

I heard the Queen's hamster needs a new cock.

Guys! Please!

You do realise, if Abbey Grove shuts down

you'll all have to go to St Edwards!

The only school below us on the league table!

If I go to St Edwards, the only theatre I'll end up in

is an operating one.

St Edwards is not that bad, babe. Dean Gaffney went there.

Dean Gaffney? We need to raise some money!

I could do a kiss-and-tell, sir, on this guy I'm seeing.

Yeah, with the best will in the world, Chantelle, I doubt that

Haroun from WH Smith is going to sell that many papers

apart from the ones that he literally sells.

What if you take that condom you've got in your wallet to the Antiques Road Show?

Right, is it too much to ask to have a serious suggestion?

I've got one. Thank you, Rem Dogg.

Sperm banks offer 60 quid for a small pot.

We pump Mitchell's mum's stomach - a grand, easy.

Oh, my God, that is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

What about this?

Urgh!

Guys, can you be serious? Do you want to go to another school?

Stephen's dad's a banker. He could help us.

Babes, he's a cashier at NatWest.

What about two of us going to work in a casino,

mapping out their security procedures,

these guys can dress up in disguises and earn the trust of the owner,

then Jing can do some crazy circus shit in a room full of lasers.

We're not going to re-enact the plot of Ocean's Eleven, Mitchell!

Ocean's Twelve? No. Ocean's Thirteen?

You're not really understanding the problem here. Ocean's Fourteen?

It doesn't even exist!

Hey! Pro Green's got me teaching biology.

Said you had some stuff for me, but then I thought...

what does everyone love? Sea-Monkeys!

This isn't a primary school.

Alfie, if I tell you something,

do you promise that you won't overreact?

When have I ever overreacted?

I've applied for a job at a school in Soweto.

Why are you doing this to me?

OK? Yeah.

Good.

Alf, I love this school, but I need a change in my life.

Grow a fringe! Try zumba!

Try heroin!

But I could do some good in Soweto.

Instead of being stuck here in Abbey Grove,

lurching from disaster to disaster.

But what about us?

Our will-they-won't-they is the glue that binds this school together.

Please don't go, Rosie,

you're the only person on the staff that I like.

You can't leave me here with Pro Green and Anakin Skywanker.

The school needs you.

I need you.

Well, I mean, I've only just applied, so...

let's see what happens. Yeah?

Here you go. Frogs! Yeah.

Oh, my God, this one's not moving!

Maybe it's asleep.

They're all dead. Your class are dissecting them.

Urgh! Sure I can't just do Sea-Monkeys?

Give that about a day and it'll be the Discovery Channel in a glass.

Off you go, Alfie.

Where do you want these, Pro Green?

Next to the other sale items.

We're putting them on "the eBay". It's "eBay".

You can't sell our books!

Yeah - what are the sad, lonely kids going to read

whilst everyone else is out in the playground having fun?

Desperate times, Mr Wickers.

You could sell that.

Or let me take a hammer to it.

Why should I suffer for the school's profligacy?

Now, I need you two to prevail upon the kitchen staff to work for free.

Why do we have to do that? We're all in this together.

I just think that... Ah-ah!

We're all in this together.

That will be all.

All right, whatever. Let's go and give Mrs Patmore her P45.

Mr Wickers, arretez-vous, s'il vous plait.

Stay behind, please?

Now, as you know, your father and I are courting.

Courting? Marty-Bear is a wonderful, caring, passionate man.

He, you, and I are a little family now.

What do you want?

We'd like you to call me "Mummy".

Is something the matter?

I am looking at the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.

Oh, no - now I am.

Trust me, I've got this.

Are you sure?

Er, yeah, I'm a people person.

Yo! Kitchen goblins!

I'm just here to tell you how much of a vital part

of the Abbey Grove machine you guys are.

Yeah, maybe sometimes you don't get the credit you deserve

and you're a bit funny-looking,

but you're like Niall from One Direction - without you

there isn't a band!

Ah, and we go back a bit, don't we?

This guy, right, has got some of the best banter in the school, hey?

And a dab hand with the ladies! Player!

And my mate here, Iggy Pop. This guy, right, is...

One of the nicest WOMEN I've ever worked with.

Oh, yep!

And my brother from another mother, old... Little Chef.

Look, we could reminisce about the old days until the cows come home.

But I'm here to tell you that Abbey Grove has gone bust,

so we were wondering whether you guys would be willing to do

"yo tang" on a sort of volunteer basis?

Unpaid.

That's cool, take five, have a think about it.

I knew it. Didn't I say,

if there was one person we could rely on, it's old...

it's.... Gladys.

Gladys.

Gladys, with the hearing aids.

I remember now.

She hasn't heard a word.

It looks like Pro Green's sold all the food.

What are we going to feed the kids now?

What's this? We did a whip-round, sir. That's all our pocket money.

Guys, I've been over this with you.

As much as I'd like to, I can't buy you booze again.

No, Alfie, the money's for saving Abbey Grove.

We know it's not much, but... We don't want to leave, sir.

Even though this school's got shit wheelchair access.

And fewer GCSEs than a Premier League football team.

It's a dump, but it's my dump.

You know what it's like with your own brew, sir. I like the smell.

Some beautiful words there, Mitchell.

Guys, you've been so generous,

but I can't accept this.

There must be a better way.

Ocean's Fifteen? Really?

What are you doing? Buttering the corridor.

Look, I really think we need to do a fundraiser.

Alf, listen, we just simply don't have the time.

Mitchell's dad owns a funfair. He could easily lend us some stalls.

Unless I can pay them off in two days' time,

the bank are gonna pop a cap in the back of my ass.

I don't really care about your ass, I care about this school.

Calm down, dear! This is going to send people flying.

All we have to do is sit back,

capture the comedy Kerrie Gold, cash said gold,

vis-a-vis a ?250 cheque from You've Been Framed and we're in Clover.

B-utter genius.

Right, are there any other butter puns you just want to get out of your system now?

I'll Lurpak it in.

Look, the only problem with your genius plan, there's no-one here!

Everyone's in class.

Ah, no - I told Reggie Blinker that his dad's had another heart attack.

Lols!

Any minute now.

Ha-haa! Woo-hoo!

Did you see that? ROFLcopter.

Does anyone care about this school?

Ah, I forgot to press record.

Butter-fingers.

Reggie, do you think you've got another one in you?

What are you doing?

Oh, Alfie, hi.

Um, listen, they've offered me the job...

..and I've decided...

That, in the cold light of day, your hair-brained idea

to start a new life in Soweto is totally and utterly absurd?

To accept.

But you can't!

Why not?

Soweto sounds great.

But I need you!

Look, there's something I have to tell you.

Something that maybe before I didn't realise.

Yeah, sure, back then I was just a silly little boy...

Mmm. But I've changed.

Rosie? Yes.

I'm...

I'm an alcoholic.

There, I said it. I'm drinking a bottle of whisky for breakfast.

I'm a player with a deadly addiction to hooch and cooch.

Stay with me, Rosie! Please don't let me end up like Georgie.

You're not like George Best, Alfie. You barely drink.

Er, yes I do. Last year, you got hung over from some cherry liqueurs.

They were extremely potent. Anyway, right now I'm off the bloody rails.

I only came in here because I'm looking for ethanol.

I'd drink bloody anything.

Not the Sea�Monkeys!

Oh, my God!

Ooh.

I've made my tummy pregnant.

Whoa!

Where do you think you're going with that? Cash Converters.

How the hell am I meant to teach without a television?

We need to make swingeing cuts.

Stop saying swingeing.

It is the most annoying word I have ever heard.

Boys, could you collect Mr Wickers' video library.

You can take our electricity, you can take our television,

but you can never take our...

Braveheart, director's cut! Please let me keep this?

Everything must go.

Alfie, you must see you're the obvious candidate for redundancy.

I'm trying to protect you.

Au revoir, les enfants.

Please, boys, it doesn't have to be like this!

Bullshit!

I'm getting my TV back, I'm getting my DVDs back,

and I'm stopping Miss Gulliver from going to Soweto.

We are doing a fundraiser!

And it is going to be like Live Aid and Band Aid all rolled into one,

except this time we are stopping things from going to Africa.

But how are you going to convince Fraser to give you permission?

Alf, I've told you it's just not possible.

We simply don't have the time or the resources.

Your band can play at the fundraiser.

So what time shall we open the doors?

Here, go on, sir, test it out. All right.

Shit.

Sorry, Mr Harper.

Ha?

So, 50/50 on all profits?

Right.

Couldn't agree more.

You all right, Dad? Mm.

Alf, I am so impressed that you've got all of this together in time.

Ah, you know, it's not just me.

Everyone's doing their bit, especially Mitchell's dad here.

Yes, Fergal. There is no "I" in team.

Oh, I had quite a silly idea.

At university, we did a man auction -

we bought the rugby team as slaves for a day.

Pinch me!

We could sell the teachers here!

You could put yourself up for sale.

Who'd want to buy me?

I might.

He's not for sale.

I mean, how does she even hear that far?

Fundraiser to save our school!

What a pickle.

You know, after my divorce, I travelled to India.

I saw a beggar boy there.

His little legs didn't work

and he was dragging himself along on a cart, begging.

Well, don't beat yourself up about it. Everyone regrets their rebound.

My point is, at least his sob story made him some money.

What is your problem with me?

I remind you that my Dad loved somebody else.

You're being ridiculous.

You are just his beggar boy rebound.

Why, howdy partners!

Look at you two, thick as thieves.

Hi, Dad. I love you.

Whoa, what's got into you?

Come on, Marty Bear. Win me a teddy.

All righty then. Must dash, Alf pal.

Bit fanny-whipped!

Sob story! Get me Rem Dogg now!

Excuse me, fundraiser to send a little boy to Florida

for life-saving surgery.

Please help me, mate. My brain's all shit.

Um, talk me through this band.

Well, we started out as a tribute act, but we were treading water

so I decided to Mumford us up a bit, you know, heartfelt summery anthems,

reclaiming the banjo from rapey American farmers.

So you're a Mumford and Sons tribute act?

Well, sort of. The problem is, the lead singer, Donald,

he's quite set in his ways with the whole Slipknot vibe.

So the band is called?

Knotslip and Sons.

Does that mash-up work? Yes.

Perfecto.

I came home, and I saw you

You were waiting, waiting for me

In the sun, there you were

Arms were open, wide as the sea

I fell to my knees, as if to pray

You opened your sweet mouth This to say

Crawling in the shit! The devil is your dildo!

Feed me to the worms! I'll burn all you bastard-whores!

Thank you, Jesus for this glorious day.

A grand? Is that it?

You tried your best. I'm still proud of you, Alf.

What good's that? You're still not going to stay at Abbey Grove.

We've still got Gladys's car wash.

I don't think Gladys's milkshake is bringing too many boys to the yard.

What about the man auction?

We're 19 grand short, dipshit.

Going once, going twice...

sold to Mrs Carmichael!

Now, our next slave for a day is a bit of a catch.

It's Mr Fraser!

Hi, ladies. I'm up for anything.

Cooking, cleaning, foot rubs - giving or receiving.

Actually, not receiving.

I've got a pretty nuclear crop of bunions at the moment.

Shall we start the bidding at ?50?

Yes! Oh, ?50 from Mrs Welsh.

?60 from Gladys. Oh, tits!

?70 from Mrs Welsh. Go on.

?80, Gladys, with you. Can I get ?100?

Oh, ?100 from Gladys, going once...

This is ridiculous, she can't even hear.

Going twice. But we're not even paying her!

Sold to Gladys for ?100!

Amazing!

Our next slave for the day is a very, very special man,

um, sorry...

He's just done so much to make today happen.

I know we may have not raised enough to keep this school going,

but Mr Wickers, he exemplifies everything that I will miss

about Abbey Grove.

I know it's unconventional,

but I'd quite like to start the bidding myself.

?50 for Alfie.

?60. 70.

?80!

100. ?200!

Don't worry, girls, you can share me.

OK, but she's not kissing your mouth.

This gentleman would like to make a bid on behalf of his employer.

I'll match whatever he bids.

I don't think you will, Miss Gulliver. The bid is for ?25,000.

What?

That's enough to save the school!

Well, I can't match that. Chantelle?

Wait, is this a wind-up?

Going once, going twice,

sold, to the mystery bidder!

We did it. We did it!

Who'd spend all that money on me?

Well, whoever it is, they've saved the school.

And seeing as Abbey Grove's going to be OK, I think, maybe...

What?

I'm not going to South Africa, Alf.

You said yourself that the school needs me and you need me,

but I've come to realise that I need the school, and...

I also need...

No, no. We made this mistake last term.

Oh, yeah, you're right. We should just be friends.

No, I meant kissing in front of the kids.

Come with me.

Oh, Dad!

Jesus!

Alf!

Oh, Christ, er, er... Celia had the hiccups.

I was trying to scare her by giving her the willies.

Stop doing this!

Now calm down, Smoocher.

Martin, you must tell him.

Er, Celia and I, er...

She mentioned that you may have seen an invitation?

What invitation?

Oh, God, yes, sorry - how could I forget?

Well, it's an invitation to a very special occasion.

We're getting married!

Dad, what the hell? You are marrying this stupid hobbit woman?

Oh, Alf, I love this hobbit woman.

Could we stop saying hobbit woman?

Sorry, darling.

Alf, we're going to be a family again.

Come here, Smoocher. Hug Mummy.

Alfie, come back! Alfie!

I know I should be pretty annoyed

but at least Pro Green makes my dad happy.

I'm happy too.

Ahem!

What, Jing?

Sir, the anonymous bidder says that you have to leave immediately,

otherwise the deal is off.

You'll be here when I get back, right?

Of course I will.

Pickwell!

You bought me?

Oh, yes, Mr Wickers.

But... last time I saw you, you were penniless!

Mm. Well, you remember my German consort, the Beast of Bergandorf?

Sadly the old man died last month,

leaving me all the gold he'd stashed in Switzerland.

Hence, my little splurge on you.

What can you possibly do with me that's worth ?25,000?

Oh, you have no idea.

Let the games begin.

A saddle?!

Drive on, Mephisto.

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