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1
00:00:03,891 --> 00:00:08,131
So kiss me and smile for me
2
00:00:08,170 --> 00:00:11,530
Tell me that you'll wait for me
3
00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:17,273
Hold me like you'll never
let me go...
4
00:00:17,301 --> 00:00:18,801
Come on, Smoocher, you know
this one!
5
00:00:18,832 --> 00:00:21,852
I'm leaving on a jet plane...
6
00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:25,411
Oh, Martin, could you go via Boots?
I need to get some clean tights.
7
00:00:25,507 --> 00:00:26,747
Good idea.
8
00:00:26,787 --> 00:00:32,707
Oh, while you're there, you might
like to stock up on C-O-N-D-O-Ms.
9
00:00:32,747 --> 00:00:33,867
O-K!
10
00:00:33,907 --> 00:00:35,987
Dad! I can spell!
11
00:01:11,267 --> 00:01:12,467
Love that guy!
12
00:01:15,027 --> 00:01:17,027
Who was that randomer?
13
00:01:17,067 --> 00:01:19,187
Our fairy godfather.
14
00:01:19,227 --> 00:01:23,867
You know how we are in uno poquito
di serious financial trouble-io?
15
00:01:23,907 --> 00:01:25,067
No.
16
00:01:25,107 --> 00:01:28,267
Well, I managed to turn
our remaining 20 grand
17
00:01:28,307 --> 00:01:31,147
into a cool two million. Go on?
18
00:01:31,187 --> 00:01:35,907
That "randomer" is Dr Goodluck
Yultide Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo.
19
00:01:37,627 --> 00:01:39,507
the Nigerian Minister of Finance.
20
00:01:39,547 --> 00:01:43,667
Oh, God. He wanted a short-term cash
loan for the purchase of a contested
21
00:01:43,707 --> 00:01:47,147
oil field in rural Nigeria,
and some medicines for his mother.
22
00:01:47,187 --> 00:01:50,587
He promised returns
of up to 1,000%!
23
00:01:50,627 --> 00:01:52,507
Oh. Shit.
24
00:01:52,547 --> 00:01:53,987
That's Fr-Asda price.
25
00:01:55,707 --> 00:01:56,787
Yes!
26
00:02:03,107 --> 00:02:06,027
Oh, dear,
that's the last of the coffee.
27
00:02:06,067 --> 00:02:08,667
I hope no one minds -
I was up all night.
28
00:02:08,707 --> 00:02:09,787
Urgh, God.
29
00:02:09,827 --> 00:02:12,547
Look, I don't want to sound like
a broken record, but who's to say
30
00:02:12,587 --> 00:02:14,667
Dr Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo
won't come good?
31
00:02:14,707 --> 00:02:17,227
The receipt he gave you
was on a Burger King napkin,
32
00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:19,387
made out to
"the big bank in the town".
33
00:02:19,427 --> 00:02:21,787
He said he was in the same class
as Howard from the Halifax
34
00:02:21,827 --> 00:02:23,667
at Bank School. Bank School!?
35
00:02:23,707 --> 00:02:24,867
Amazing.
36
00:02:24,907 --> 00:02:26,027
Oh, Betty Swallocks!
37
00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:28,307
So what, Fraser's lost us
a bit of money.
38
00:02:28,347 --> 00:02:30,107
It's not the end of the world.
39
00:02:30,147 --> 00:02:31,227
Not so.
40
00:02:31,267 --> 00:02:33,907
We have to prove our solvency
by Wednesday, otherwise
41
00:02:33,947 --> 00:02:36,387
Abbey Grove faces closure
by default.
42
00:02:36,427 --> 00:02:39,427
Well let's, I don't know,
put on a fundraiser?
43
00:02:39,467 --> 00:02:41,107
Oh, that is a good idea.
44
00:02:41,147 --> 00:02:43,307
We're not a charity case yet,
Smoocher.
45
00:02:43,347 --> 00:02:46,747
Don't call me that!
And have you got any bright ideas?
46
00:02:46,787 --> 00:02:50,307
A spare 20 grand tucked away
in that bra of yours?
47
00:02:50,347 --> 00:02:53,707
Oh, I don't appear to be
wearing one!
48
00:02:53,747 --> 00:02:55,747
Somebody broke the latch
with his teeth.
49
00:02:55,787 --> 00:02:58,427
For Christ's sake! Grrr!
50
00:02:58,467 --> 00:03:00,827
Papa Wickers not the only animal
in the family.
51
00:03:00,867 --> 00:03:02,947
This one's hung like a horse.
52
00:03:02,987 --> 00:03:04,267
A sea horse.
53
00:03:04,307 --> 00:03:06,187
Ooh, double act. Bant and Dec.
54
00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:09,667
Kill me. Hey I've got a fun
and really funky idea!
55
00:03:09,707 --> 00:03:12,307
Why don't all the staff
take pay cuts?
56
00:03:12,347 --> 00:03:15,187
I'm afraid my salary is
non-negotiable.
57
00:03:15,227 --> 00:03:17,267
Martin and I are saving up for...
58
00:03:19,587 --> 00:03:20,787
..something.
59
00:03:20,827 --> 00:03:22,907
Chemical castration,
chemical castration.
60
00:03:22,947 --> 00:03:25,667
The solution to the school's problem
is austerity.
61
00:03:25,707 --> 00:03:28,187
To keep the current
salary structure in place,
62
00:03:28,227 --> 00:03:30,267
we must make swingeing cuts.
63
00:03:30,307 --> 00:03:32,427
You may have noticed
Mrs Westurby's absence.
64
00:03:32,467 --> 00:03:33,707
Mrs Westurby?
65
00:03:37,067 --> 00:03:38,747
Has she got a mole?
66
00:03:38,787 --> 00:03:40,147
Smells of biscuits?
67
00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:43,387
Can't have children?
Baron von Westurby!
68
00:03:44,667 --> 00:03:48,387
No, that's Mrs Vanderby.
Baron Vanderby.
69
00:03:49,947 --> 00:03:51,507
I'll stop saying baron now.
70
00:03:53,627 --> 00:03:56,867
Alfie, could you cover
Mrs Westurby's biology class?
71
00:03:56,907 --> 00:03:59,587
I can barely teach history.
72
00:03:59,627 --> 00:04:01,547
Urgh, fine.
73
00:04:01,587 --> 00:04:03,147
How are you going to be helping?
74
00:04:03,187 --> 00:04:05,147
I'm going to shut down the library.
75
00:04:06,307 --> 00:04:09,707
I've got it. The art block,
they've got a Henry Moore!
76
00:04:09,747 --> 00:04:11,827
That must be worth loads.
We could sell it?
77
00:04:11,867 --> 00:04:12,867
Had.
78
00:04:15,107 --> 00:04:19,507
They had a Henry Moore.
I might have swapped it.
79
00:04:19,547 --> 00:04:21,267
You swapped it?
80
00:04:21,307 --> 00:04:22,427
What for?
81
00:04:27,347 --> 00:04:31,187
It was one of only 30
used on the set of Phantom Menace.
82
00:04:31,227 --> 00:04:33,307
It belonged to Senator Palpatine!
83
00:04:41,787 --> 00:04:43,427
Why are you all wearing your coats?
84
00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:44,987
Cos your mum turned off the heating.
85
00:04:45,027 --> 00:04:46,907
Professor Green is not my mum.
86
00:04:46,947 --> 00:04:48,867
She banged your dad.
She's your mum.
87
00:04:48,907 --> 00:04:50,427
You must have a lot of dads then.
88
00:04:50,467 --> 00:04:53,507
Sir, I'm freezing. Will you
share your body heat with me?
89
00:04:53,547 --> 00:04:55,347
No. Why is there no heating?
90
00:04:55,387 --> 00:04:58,147
If you must know, the school is
having some financial problems.
91
00:04:58,187 --> 00:04:59,787
Why don't you sell your organs, sir?
92
00:04:59,827 --> 00:05:01,707
I heard the Queen's hamster
needs a new cock.
93
00:05:01,747 --> 00:05:04,587
Guys! Please!
94
00:05:04,627 --> 00:05:06,947
You do realise, if Abbey Grove
shuts down
95
00:05:06,987 --> 00:05:09,027
you'll all have to go to St Edwards!
96
00:05:10,387 --> 00:05:12,867
The only school below us
on the league table!
97
00:05:12,907 --> 00:05:15,387
If I go to St Edwards,
the only theatre I'll end up in
98
00:05:15,427 --> 00:05:16,547
is an operating one.
99
00:05:16,587 --> 00:05:19,107
St Edwards is not that bad, babe.
Dean Gaffney went there.
100
00:05:19,147 --> 00:05:20,987
Dean Gaffney?
We need to raise some money!
101
00:05:21,027 --> 00:05:23,987
I could do a kiss-and-tell, sir,
on this guy I'm seeing.
102
00:05:24,027 --> 00:05:27,107
Yeah, with the best will in
the world, Chantelle, I doubt that
103
00:05:27,147 --> 00:05:30,507
Haroun from WH Smith is going
to sell that many papers
104
00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:32,507
apart from the ones
that he literally sells.
105
00:05:32,547 --> 00:05:35,867
What if you take that condom you've got
in your wallet to the Antiques Road Show?
106
00:05:35,907 --> 00:05:38,347
Right, is it too much to ask
to have a serious suggestion?
107
00:05:38,387 --> 00:05:40,067
I've got one. Thank you, Rem Dogg.
108
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:43,067
Sperm banks offer 60 quid
for a small pot.
109
00:05:43,107 --> 00:05:46,307
We pump Mitchell's mum's stomach -
a grand, easy.
110
00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:49,467
Oh, my God, that is the most
disgusting thing I've ever heard.
111
00:05:49,507 --> 00:05:50,907
What about this?
112
00:05:50,947 --> 00:05:52,107
Urgh!
113
00:05:52,147 --> 00:05:55,627
Guys, can you be serious?
Do you want to go to another school?
114
00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:58,147
Stephen's dad's a banker.
He could help us.
115
00:05:58,187 --> 00:05:59,947
Babes, he's a cashier at NatWest.
116
00:05:59,987 --> 00:06:01,907
What about two of us
going to work in a casino,
117
00:06:01,947 --> 00:06:03,707
mapping out their security
procedures,
118
00:06:03,747 --> 00:06:06,787
these guys can dress up in disguises
and earn the trust of the owner,
119
00:06:06,827 --> 00:06:09,547
then Jing can do some crazy circus
shit in a room full of lasers.
120
00:06:09,587 --> 00:06:12,347
We're not going to re-enact the plot
of Ocean's Eleven, Mitchell!
121
00:06:12,387 --> 00:06:14,067
Ocean's Twelve? No.
Ocean's Thirteen?
122
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:17,067
You're not really understanding
the problem here. Ocean's Fourteen?
123
00:06:17,107 --> 00:06:18,387
It doesn't even exist!
124
00:06:21,867 --> 00:06:25,227
Hey! Pro Green's got me
teaching biology.
125
00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:28,067
Said you had some stuff for me,
but then I thought...
126
00:06:28,107 --> 00:06:31,227
what does everyone love?
Sea-Monkeys!
127
00:06:31,267 --> 00:06:32,867
This isn't a primary school.
128
00:06:34,307 --> 00:06:36,187
Alfie, if I tell you something,
129
00:06:36,227 --> 00:06:38,787
do you promise
that you won't overreact?
130
00:06:38,827 --> 00:06:40,507
When have I ever overreacted?
131
00:06:41,627 --> 00:06:44,067
I've applied for a job
at a school in Soweto.
132
00:06:52,347 --> 00:06:54,627
Why are you doing this to me?
133
00:06:59,187 --> 00:07:00,587
OK? Yeah.
134
00:07:00,627 --> 00:07:01,867
Good.
135
00:07:01,907 --> 00:07:07,067
Alf, I love this school,
but I need a change in my life.
136
00:07:07,107 --> 00:07:10,147
Grow a fringe! Try zumba!
137
00:07:10,187 --> 00:07:11,787
Try heroin!
138
00:07:11,827 --> 00:07:13,987
But I could do some good in Soweto.
139
00:07:14,027 --> 00:07:16,347
Instead of being stuck here
in Abbey Grove,
140
00:07:16,387 --> 00:07:19,027
lurching from disaster to disaster.
141
00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:20,907
But what about us?
142
00:07:20,947 --> 00:07:24,827
Our will-they-won't-they is the glue
that binds this school together.
143
00:07:24,867 --> 00:07:26,867
Please don't go, Rosie,
144
00:07:26,907 --> 00:07:29,187
you're the only person on the staff
that I like.
145
00:07:29,227 --> 00:07:33,187
You can't leave me here with
Pro Green and Anakin Skywanker.
146
00:07:33,227 --> 00:07:35,667
The school needs you.
147
00:07:35,707 --> 00:07:37,027
I need you.
148
00:07:39,587 --> 00:07:42,987
Well, I mean, I've only just applied,
so...
149
00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:44,787
let's see what happens. Yeah?
150
00:07:46,987 --> 00:07:50,267
Here you go. Frogs! Yeah.
151
00:07:50,307 --> 00:07:52,547
Oh, my God, this one's not moving!
152
00:07:52,587 --> 00:07:54,147
Maybe it's asleep.
153
00:07:54,187 --> 00:07:57,467
They're all dead.
Your class are dissecting them.
154
00:07:57,507 --> 00:08:00,427
Urgh!
Sure I can't just do Sea-Monkeys?
155
00:08:04,387 --> 00:08:07,867
Give that about a day and it'll be
the Discovery Channel in a glass.
156
00:08:07,907 --> 00:08:09,187
Off you go, Alfie.
157
00:08:24,027 --> 00:08:25,827
Where do you want these, Pro Green?
158
00:08:25,867 --> 00:08:27,747
Next to the other sale items.
159
00:08:32,307 --> 00:08:35,107
We're putting them on "the eBay".
It's "eBay".
160
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:37,147
You can't sell our books!
161
00:08:37,187 --> 00:08:39,427
Yeah - what are the sad, lonely kids
going to read
162
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:42,147
whilst everyone else is out
in the playground having fun?
163
00:08:42,187 --> 00:08:43,587
Desperate times, Mr Wickers.
164
00:08:43,627 --> 00:08:45,227
You could sell that.
165
00:08:45,267 --> 00:08:47,027
Or let me take a hammer to it.
166
00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:49,827
Why should I suffer
for the school's profligacy?
167
00:08:49,867 --> 00:08:54,627
Now, I need you two to prevail upon
the kitchen staff to work for free.
168
00:08:55,707 --> 00:08:58,787
Why do we have to do that?
We're all in this together.
169
00:08:58,827 --> 00:09:00,707
I just think that... Ah-ah!
170
00:09:00,747 --> 00:09:03,227
We're all in this together.
171
00:09:03,267 --> 00:09:04,827
That will be all.
172
00:09:04,867 --> 00:09:08,987
All right, whatever. Let's go
and give Mrs Patmore her P45.
173
00:09:09,027 --> 00:09:11,987
Mr Wickers,
arretez-vous, s'il vous plait.
174
00:09:12,027 --> 00:09:13,707
Stay behind, please?
175
00:09:16,627 --> 00:09:21,147
Now, as you know,
your father and I are courting.
176
00:09:21,187 --> 00:09:27,107
Courting? Marty-Bear is a wonderful,
caring, passionate man.
177
00:09:28,307 --> 00:09:31,107
He, you, and I are
a little family now.
178
00:09:31,147 --> 00:09:32,267
What do you want?
179
00:09:32,307 --> 00:09:35,107
We'd like you to call me "Mummy".
180
00:09:39,147 --> 00:09:40,547
Is something the matter?
181
00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:46,627
I am looking at the most
disgusting thing I have ever seen.
182
00:09:49,067 --> 00:09:51,027
Oh, no - now I am.
183
00:09:55,427 --> 00:09:56,987
Trust me, I've got this.
184
00:09:57,027 --> 00:09:58,107
Are you sure?
185
00:09:58,147 --> 00:10:00,067
Er, yeah, I'm a people person.
186
00:10:00,107 --> 00:10:02,467
Yo! Kitchen goblins!
187
00:10:02,507 --> 00:10:05,587
I'm just here to tell you
how much of a vital part
188
00:10:05,627 --> 00:10:08,427
of the Abbey Grove machine
you guys are.
189
00:10:08,467 --> 00:10:11,227
Yeah, maybe sometimes you don't
get the credit you deserve
190
00:10:11,267 --> 00:10:13,427
and you're a bit funny-looking,
191
00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:17,347
but you're like Niall from
One Direction - without you
192
00:10:17,387 --> 00:10:18,827
there isn't a band!
193
00:10:20,027 --> 00:10:21,907
Ah, and we go back a bit, don't we?
194
00:10:21,947 --> 00:10:26,107
This guy, right, has got some of
the best banter in the school, hey?
195
00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:29,387
And a dab hand with the ladies!
Player!
196
00:10:29,427 --> 00:10:33,347
And my mate here, Iggy Pop.
This guy, right, is...
197
00:10:33,387 --> 00:10:37,787
One of the nicest WOMEN
I've ever worked with.
198
00:10:37,827 --> 00:10:39,267
Oh, yep!
199
00:10:40,547 --> 00:10:46,067
And my brother from another mother,
old... Little Chef.
200
00:10:47,227 --> 00:10:50,467
Look, we could reminisce about the
old days until the cows come home.
201
00:10:50,507 --> 00:10:53,667
But I'm here to tell you
that Abbey Grove has gone bust,
202
00:10:53,707 --> 00:10:56,947
so we were wondering whether you
guys would be willing to do
203
00:10:56,987 --> 00:11:01,427
"yo tang" on a sort of
volunteer basis?
204
00:11:01,467 --> 00:11:02,827
Unpaid.
205
00:11:05,427 --> 00:11:09,067
That's cool, take five,
have a think about it.
206
00:11:10,507 --> 00:11:11,907
I knew it. Didn't I say,
207
00:11:11,947 --> 00:11:15,707
if there was one person
we could rely on, it's old...
208
00:11:15,747 --> 00:11:18,467
it's.... Gladys.
209
00:11:18,507 --> 00:11:19,667
Gladys.
210
00:11:20,787 --> 00:11:24,427
Gladys, with the hearing aids.
211
00:11:24,467 --> 00:11:27,147
I remember now.
212
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,307
She hasn't heard a word.
213
00:11:29,347 --> 00:11:31,547
It looks like
Pro Green's sold all the food.
214
00:11:31,587 --> 00:11:33,547
What are we going to feed
the kids now?
215
00:11:45,987 --> 00:11:49,267
What's this? We did a whip-round,
sir. That's all our pocket money.
216
00:11:49,307 --> 00:11:51,667
Guys, I've been over this with you.
217
00:11:51,707 --> 00:11:54,387
As much as I'd like to,
I can't buy you booze again.
218
00:11:54,427 --> 00:11:57,867
No, Alfie, the money's for
saving Abbey Grove.
219
00:11:57,907 --> 00:12:00,267
We know it's not much, but...
We don't want to leave, sir.
220
00:12:00,307 --> 00:12:02,827
Even though this school's got
shit wheelchair access.
221
00:12:02,867 --> 00:12:05,547
And fewer GCSEs than
a Premier League football team.
222
00:12:05,587 --> 00:12:07,907
It's a dump, but it's my dump.
223
00:12:07,947 --> 00:12:11,627
You know what it's like with your
own brew, sir. I like the smell.
224
00:12:12,787 --> 00:12:15,467
Some beautiful words there,
Mitchell.
225
00:12:16,947 --> 00:12:19,907
Guys, you've been so generous,
226
00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:21,347
but I can't accept this.
227
00:12:23,427 --> 00:12:24,907
There must be a better way.
228
00:12:27,267 --> 00:12:28,987
Ocean's Fifteen? Really?
229
00:12:37,427 --> 00:12:39,827
What are you doing?
Buttering the corridor.
230
00:12:39,867 --> 00:12:42,587
Look, I really think
we need to do a fundraiser.
231
00:12:42,627 --> 00:12:45,667
Alf, listen,
we just simply don't have the time.
232
00:12:45,707 --> 00:12:48,667
Mitchell's dad owns a funfair.
He could easily lend us some stalls.
233
00:12:48,707 --> 00:12:50,507
Unless I can pay them off
in two days' time,
234
00:12:50,547 --> 00:12:52,667
the bank are gonna pop a cap
in the back of my ass.
235
00:12:52,707 --> 00:12:55,347
I don't really care about your ass,
I care about this school.
236
00:12:55,387 --> 00:12:59,547
Calm down, dear!
This is going to send people flying.
237
00:12:59,587 --> 00:13:01,707
All we have to do is sit back,
238
00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:04,867
capture the comedy Kerrie Gold,
cash said gold,
239
00:13:04,907 --> 00:13:09,427
vis-a-vis a ?250 cheque from You've
Been Framed and we're in Clover.
240
00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:10,627
B-utter genius.
241
00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:14,267
Right, are there any other butter puns you
just want to get out of your system now?
242
00:13:14,307 --> 00:13:16,067
I'll Lurpak it in.
243
00:13:16,107 --> 00:13:19,107
Look, the only problem with your
genius plan, there's no-one here!
244
00:13:19,147 --> 00:13:20,467
Everyone's in class.
245
00:13:20,507 --> 00:13:24,067
Ah, no - I told Reggie Blinker that
his dad's had another heart attack.
246
00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:25,747
Lols!
247
00:13:25,787 --> 00:13:27,107
Any minute now.
248
00:13:32,907 --> 00:13:35,147
Ha-haa! Woo-hoo!
249
00:13:35,187 --> 00:13:37,147
Did you see that? ROFLcopter.
250
00:13:37,187 --> 00:13:38,987
Does anyone care about this school?
251
00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:41,147
Ah, I forgot to press record.
252
00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:42,227
Butter-fingers.
253
00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:47,347
Reggie, do you think
you've got another one in you?
254
00:13:51,387 --> 00:13:53,187
What are you doing?
255
00:13:53,227 --> 00:13:54,787
Oh, Alfie, hi.
256
00:13:54,827 --> 00:13:58,427
Um, listen, they've offered me
the job...
257
00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:02,067
..and I've decided...
258
00:14:02,107 --> 00:14:04,547
That, in the cold light of day,
your hair-brained idea
259
00:14:04,587 --> 00:14:07,267
to start a new life in Soweto
is totally and utterly absurd?
260
00:14:07,307 --> 00:14:08,587
To accept.
261
00:14:09,827 --> 00:14:11,067
But you can't!
262
00:14:11,107 --> 00:14:12,667
Why not?
263
00:14:12,707 --> 00:14:14,307
Soweto sounds great.
264
00:14:14,347 --> 00:14:15,547
But I need you!
265
00:14:17,907 --> 00:14:20,587
Look, there's something
I have to tell you.
266
00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:27,227
Something that maybe before
I didn't realise.
267
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:32,067
Yeah, sure, back then I was just
a silly little boy...
268
00:14:32,107 --> 00:14:34,547
Mmm. But I've changed.
269
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:40,147
Rosie? Yes.
270
00:14:41,187 --> 00:14:43,147
I'm...
271
00:14:43,187 --> 00:14:44,987
I'm an alcoholic.
272
00:14:45,027 --> 00:14:48,907
There, I said it. I'm drinking
a bottle of whisky for breakfast.
273
00:14:48,947 --> 00:14:53,507
I'm a player with a deadly
addiction to hooch and cooch.
274
00:14:53,547 --> 00:14:56,907
Stay with me, Rosie! Please don't
let me end up like Georgie.
275
00:14:56,947 --> 00:14:59,827
You're not like George Best, Alfie.
You barely drink.
276
00:14:59,867 --> 00:15:03,507
Er, yes I do. Last year, you got
hung over from some cherry liqueurs.
277
00:15:03,547 --> 00:15:07,627
They were extremely potent. Anyway,
right now I'm off the bloody rails.
278
00:15:07,667 --> 00:15:10,267
I only came in here because
I'm looking for ethanol.
279
00:15:10,307 --> 00:15:12,227
I'd drink bloody anything.
280
00:15:16,227 --> 00:15:18,027
Not the Sea�Monkeys!
281
00:15:19,267 --> 00:15:20,267
Oh, my God!
282
00:15:21,507 --> 00:15:23,627
Ooh.
283
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:25,547
I've made my tummy pregnant.
284
00:15:35,867 --> 00:15:37,307
Whoa!
285
00:15:37,347 --> 00:15:40,347
Where do you think you're
going with that? Cash Converters.
286
00:15:40,387 --> 00:15:42,587
How the hell am I meant to teach
without a television?
287
00:15:42,627 --> 00:15:45,107
We need to make swingeing cuts.
288
00:15:45,147 --> 00:15:46,467
Stop saying swingeing.
289
00:15:46,507 --> 00:15:49,307
It is the most annoying word
I have ever heard.
290
00:15:49,347 --> 00:15:51,867
Boys, could you collect Mr Wickers'
video library.
291
00:15:51,907 --> 00:15:55,787
You can take our electricity,
you can take our television,
292
00:15:55,827 --> 00:15:57,707
but you can never take our...
293
00:15:57,747 --> 00:16:00,467
Braveheart, director's cut!
Please let me keep this?
294
00:16:00,507 --> 00:16:02,187
Everything must go.
295
00:16:02,227 --> 00:16:06,227
Alfie, you must see you're the
obvious candidate for redundancy.
296
00:16:06,267 --> 00:16:08,747
I'm trying to protect you.
297
00:16:08,787 --> 00:16:11,747
Au revoir, les enfants.
298
00:16:11,787 --> 00:16:14,347
Please, boys,
it doesn't have to be like this!
299
00:16:17,387 --> 00:16:18,987
Bullshit!
300
00:16:19,027 --> 00:16:21,827
I'm getting my TV back,
I'm getting my DVDs back,
301
00:16:21,867 --> 00:16:24,867
and I'm stopping
Miss Gulliver from going to Soweto.
302
00:16:24,907 --> 00:16:26,467
We are doing a fundraiser!
303
00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:30,467
And it is going to be like Live Aid
and Band Aid all rolled into one,
304
00:16:30,507 --> 00:16:34,187
except this time we are stopping
things from going to Africa.
305
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,947
But how are you going to convince
Fraser to give you permission?
306
00:16:39,507 --> 00:16:41,827
Alf, I've told you
it's just not possible.
307
00:16:41,867 --> 00:16:44,347
We simply don't have the time
or the resources.
308
00:16:45,387 --> 00:16:47,267
Your band can play
at the fundraiser.
309
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:48,907
So what time shall we open
the doors?
310
00:16:58,187 --> 00:17:00,627
Here, go on, sir, test it out.
All right.
311
00:17:08,547 --> 00:17:10,027
Shit.
312
00:17:18,827 --> 00:17:20,467
Sorry, Mr Harper.
313
00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,707
Ha?
314
00:17:26,747 --> 00:17:28,627
So, 50/50 on all profits?
315
00:17:31,227 --> 00:17:32,667
Right.
316
00:17:32,707 --> 00:17:34,147
Couldn't agree more.
317
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:35,867
You all right, Dad? Mm.
318
00:17:35,907 --> 00:17:41,267
Alf, I am so impressed that you've
got all of this together in time.
319
00:17:41,307 --> 00:17:43,227
Ah, you know, it's not just me.
320
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:45,987
Everyone's doing their bit,
especially Mitchell's dad here.
321
00:17:49,187 --> 00:17:52,587
Yes, Fergal.
There is no "I" in team.
322
00:17:52,627 --> 00:17:54,187
Oh, I had quite a silly idea.
323
00:17:54,227 --> 00:17:56,507
At university, we did a man auction -
324
00:17:56,547 --> 00:17:59,507
we bought the rugby team
as slaves for a day.
325
00:17:59,547 --> 00:18:00,747
Pinch me!
326
00:18:02,507 --> 00:18:04,307
We could sell the teachers here!
327
00:18:04,347 --> 00:18:06,267
You could put yourself up for sale.
328
00:18:06,307 --> 00:18:07,907
Who'd want to buy me?
329
00:18:07,947 --> 00:18:09,507
I might.
330
00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:11,507
He's not for sale.
331
00:18:15,107 --> 00:18:17,467
I mean,
how does she even hear that far?
332
00:18:18,627 --> 00:18:20,507
Fundraiser to save our school!
333
00:18:23,387 --> 00:18:25,387
What a pickle.
334
00:18:25,427 --> 00:18:28,427
You know, after my divorce,
I travelled to India.
335
00:18:29,627 --> 00:18:31,547
I saw a beggar boy there.
336
00:18:31,587 --> 00:18:33,107
His little legs didn't work
337
00:18:33,147 --> 00:18:36,507
and he was dragging himself along
on a cart, begging.
338
00:18:36,547 --> 00:18:39,667
Well, don't beat yourself up about
it. Everyone regrets their rebound.
339
00:18:42,467 --> 00:18:46,347
My point is, at least his sob story
made him some money.
340
00:18:46,387 --> 00:18:48,067
What is your problem with me?
341
00:18:48,107 --> 00:18:51,587
I remind you that my Dad
loved somebody else.
342
00:18:51,627 --> 00:18:53,387
You're being ridiculous.
343
00:18:53,427 --> 00:18:56,267
You are just his beggar boy rebound.
344
00:18:56,307 --> 00:18:58,027
Why, howdy partners!
345
00:18:59,587 --> 00:19:01,827
Look at you two, thick as thieves.
346
00:19:01,867 --> 00:19:05,067
Hi, Dad. I love you.
347
00:19:05,107 --> 00:19:07,347
Whoa, what's got into you?
348
00:19:07,387 --> 00:19:10,667
Come on, Marty Bear. Win me a teddy.
349
00:19:10,707 --> 00:19:13,347
All righty then. Must dash, Alf pal.
350
00:19:13,387 --> 00:19:14,747
Bit fanny-whipped!
351
00:19:18,627 --> 00:19:21,827
Sob story! Get me Rem Dogg now!
352
00:19:25,107 --> 00:19:28,067
Excuse me, fundraiser to send
a little boy to Florida
353
00:19:28,107 --> 00:19:29,587
for life-saving surgery.
354
00:19:31,707 --> 00:19:34,067
Please help me, mate.
My brain's all shit.
355
00:20:05,227 --> 00:20:07,147
Um, talk me through this band.
356
00:20:07,187 --> 00:20:10,667
Well, we started out as a tribute
act, but we were treading water
357
00:20:10,707 --> 00:20:13,947
so I decided to Mumford us up a bit,
you know, heartfelt summery anthems,
358
00:20:13,987 --> 00:20:16,667
reclaiming the banjo
from rapey American farmers.
359
00:20:16,707 --> 00:20:19,347
So you're a Mumford and Sons
tribute act?
360
00:20:19,387 --> 00:20:22,147
Well, sort of. The problem is,
the lead singer, Donald,
361
00:20:22,187 --> 00:20:24,627
he's quite set in his ways
with the whole Slipknot vibe.
362
00:20:24,667 --> 00:20:26,347
So the band is called?
363
00:20:26,387 --> 00:20:27,667
Knotslip and Sons.
364
00:20:27,707 --> 00:20:30,387
Does that mash-up work? Yes.
365
00:20:32,747 --> 00:20:33,987
Perfecto.
366
00:20:38,187 --> 00:20:41,387
I came home, and I saw you
367
00:20:41,427 --> 00:20:45,707
You were waiting, waiting for me
368
00:20:45,747 --> 00:20:49,347
In the sun, there you were
369
00:20:49,387 --> 00:20:53,147
Arms were open, wide as the sea
370
00:20:53,187 --> 00:20:57,107
I fell to my knees, as if to pray
371
00:20:57,147 --> 00:21:01,987
You opened your sweet mouth
This to say
372
00:21:05,107 --> 00:21:07,987
Crawling in the shit!
The devil is your dildo!
373
00:21:08,027 --> 00:21:11,587
Feed me to the worms!
I'll burn all you bastard-whores!
374
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:22,267
Thank you, Jesus
for this glorious day.
375
00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:28,787
A grand? Is that it?
376
00:21:28,827 --> 00:21:31,707
You tried your best.
I'm still proud of you, Alf.
377
00:21:31,747 --> 00:21:34,787
What good's that? You're still not
going to stay at Abbey Grove.
378
00:21:34,827 --> 00:21:36,867
We've still got Gladys's car wash.
379
00:21:48,547 --> 00:21:53,867
I don't think Gladys's milkshake is
bringing too many boys to the yard.
380
00:21:53,907 --> 00:21:55,227
What about the man auction?
381
00:21:55,267 --> 00:21:57,787
We're 19 grand short, dipshit.
382
00:21:57,827 --> 00:22:00,427
Going once, going twice...
383
00:22:00,467 --> 00:22:02,787
sold to Mrs Carmichael!
384
00:22:05,987 --> 00:22:09,347
Now, our next slave for a day
is a bit of a catch.
385
00:22:09,387 --> 00:22:11,947
It's Mr Fraser!
386
00:22:11,987 --> 00:22:14,347
Hi, ladies. I'm up for anything.
387
00:22:14,387 --> 00:22:17,067
Cooking, cleaning,
foot rubs - giving or receiving.
388
00:22:17,107 --> 00:22:18,467
Actually, not receiving.
389
00:22:18,507 --> 00:22:20,987
I've got a pretty nuclear
crop of bunions at the moment.
390
00:22:21,027 --> 00:22:23,507
Shall we start the bidding at ?50?
391
00:22:23,547 --> 00:22:26,107
Yes! Oh, ?50 from Mrs Welsh.
392
00:22:27,387 --> 00:22:30,427
?60 from Gladys. Oh, tits!
393
00:22:32,107 --> 00:22:35,667
?70 from Mrs Welsh. Go on.
394
00:22:35,707 --> 00:22:38,947
?80, Gladys, with you.
Can I get ?100?
395
00:22:40,427 --> 00:22:43,107
Oh, ?100 from Gladys, going once...
396
00:22:43,147 --> 00:22:46,067
This is ridiculous,
she can't even hear.
397
00:22:46,107 --> 00:22:49,067
Going twice.
But we're not even paying her!
398
00:22:49,107 --> 00:22:52,147
Sold to Gladys for ?100!
399
00:22:52,187 --> 00:22:53,187
Amazing!
400
00:22:54,347 --> 00:22:59,027
Our next slave for the day is
a very, very special man,
401
00:22:59,067 --> 00:23:01,867
um, sorry...
402
00:23:01,907 --> 00:23:04,587
He's just done so much
to make today happen.
403
00:23:04,627 --> 00:23:07,387
I know we may have not raised enough
to keep this school going,
404
00:23:07,427 --> 00:23:12,867
but Mr Wickers, he exemplifies
everything that I will miss
405
00:23:12,907 --> 00:23:14,507
about Abbey Grove.
406
00:23:15,627 --> 00:23:17,147
I know it's unconventional,
407
00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:19,267
but I'd quite like to start
the bidding myself.
408
00:23:19,307 --> 00:23:20,947
?50 for Alfie.
409
00:23:20,987 --> 00:23:23,027
?60. 70.
410
00:23:23,067 --> 00:23:25,347
?80!
411
00:23:25,387 --> 00:23:27,907
100. ?200!
412
00:23:27,947 --> 00:23:29,987
Don't worry, girls,
you can share me.
413
00:23:30,027 --> 00:23:32,067
OK,
but she's not kissing your mouth.
414
00:23:32,107 --> 00:23:34,907
This gentleman would like to make
a bid on behalf of his employer.
415
00:23:34,947 --> 00:23:36,907
I'll match whatever he bids.
416
00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:43,627
I don't think you will, Miss
Gulliver. The bid is for ?25,000.
417
00:23:43,667 --> 00:23:46,267
What?
418
00:23:46,307 --> 00:23:48,667
That's enough to save the school!
419
00:23:48,707 --> 00:23:52,307
Well, I can't match that. Chantelle?
420
00:23:52,347 --> 00:23:53,867
Wait, is this a wind-up?
421
00:23:55,507 --> 00:23:57,987
Going once, going twice,
422
00:23:58,027 --> 00:24:00,587
sold, to the mystery bidder!
423
00:24:11,427 --> 00:24:13,867
We did it. We did it!
424
00:24:15,387 --> 00:24:17,347
Who'd spend all that money on me?
425
00:24:17,387 --> 00:24:20,307
Well, whoever it is,
they've saved the school.
426
00:24:20,347 --> 00:24:25,187
And seeing as Abbey Grove's going
to be OK, I think, maybe...
427
00:24:25,227 --> 00:24:27,147
What?
428
00:24:27,187 --> 00:24:29,507
I'm not going to South Africa, Alf.
429
00:24:29,547 --> 00:24:33,067
You said yourself that the school
needs me and you need me,
430
00:24:33,107 --> 00:24:36,467
but I've come to realise
that I need the school, and...
431
00:24:39,627 --> 00:24:41,947
I also need...
432
00:24:41,987 --> 00:24:45,027
No, no.
We made this mistake last term.
433
00:24:45,067 --> 00:24:49,227
Oh, yeah, you're right.
We should just be friends.
434
00:24:49,267 --> 00:24:53,347
No, I meant kissing
in front of the kids.
435
00:24:53,387 --> 00:24:54,867
Come with me.
436
00:25:02,987 --> 00:25:05,347
Oh, Dad!
437
00:25:05,387 --> 00:25:06,987
Jesus!
438
00:25:07,027 --> 00:25:08,027
Alf!
439
00:25:08,067 --> 00:25:12,147
Oh, Christ, er, er...
Celia had the hiccups.
440
00:25:12,187 --> 00:25:15,867
I was trying to scare her
by giving her the willies.
441
00:25:15,907 --> 00:25:17,787
Stop doing this!
442
00:25:17,827 --> 00:25:19,467
Now calm down, Smoocher.
443
00:25:19,507 --> 00:25:22,027
Martin, you must tell him.
444
00:25:22,067 --> 00:25:24,867
Er, Celia and I, er...
445
00:25:24,907 --> 00:25:28,027
She mentioned that you may have
seen an invitation?
446
00:25:28,067 --> 00:25:29,707
What invitation?
447
00:25:31,787 --> 00:25:34,267
Oh, God, yes, sorry -
how could I forget?
448
00:25:34,307 --> 00:25:39,227
Well, it's an invitation
to a very special occasion.
449
00:25:39,267 --> 00:25:42,107
We're getting married!
450
00:25:42,147 --> 00:25:46,267
Dad, what the hell? You are marrying
this stupid hobbit woman?
451
00:25:46,307 --> 00:25:49,227
Oh, Alf, I love this hobbit woman.
452
00:25:49,267 --> 00:25:50,987
Could we stop saying hobbit woman?
453
00:25:51,027 --> 00:25:52,387
Sorry, darling.
454
00:25:52,427 --> 00:25:55,387
Alf, we're going to be
a family again.
455
00:25:55,427 --> 00:25:57,827
Come here, Smoocher. Hug Mummy.
456
00:26:03,147 --> 00:26:05,267
Alfie, come back! Alfie!
457
00:26:12,427 --> 00:26:14,827
I know I should be pretty annoyed
458
00:26:14,867 --> 00:26:17,907
but at least Pro Green
makes my dad happy.
459
00:26:19,027 --> 00:26:20,267
I'm happy too.
460
00:26:21,627 --> 00:26:22,787
Ahem!
461
00:26:22,827 --> 00:26:24,427
What, Jing?
462
00:26:24,467 --> 00:26:27,947
Sir, the anonymous bidder says
that you have to leave immediately,
463
00:26:27,987 --> 00:26:29,747
otherwise the deal is off.
464
00:26:34,467 --> 00:26:36,227
You'll be here
when I get back, right?
465
00:26:36,267 --> 00:26:37,267
Of course I will.
466
00:27:08,187 --> 00:27:10,467
Pickwell!
467
00:27:10,507 --> 00:27:12,067
You bought me?
468
00:27:12,107 --> 00:27:14,307
Oh, yes, Mr Wickers.
469
00:27:14,347 --> 00:27:18,067
But... last time I saw you,
you were penniless!
470
00:27:18,107 --> 00:27:23,907
Mm. Well, you remember my German
consort, the Beast of Bergandorf?
471
00:27:23,947 --> 00:27:26,627
Sadly the old man died last month,
472
00:27:26,667 --> 00:27:30,147
leaving me all the gold
he'd stashed in Switzerland.
473
00:27:30,187 --> 00:27:33,147
Hence, my little splurge on you.
474
00:27:33,187 --> 00:27:37,347
What can you possibly do with me
that's worth ?25,000?
475
00:27:39,147 --> 00:27:41,067
Oh, you have no idea.
476
00:27:43,667 --> 00:27:45,347
Let the games begin.
477
00:27:47,147 --> 00:27:48,307
A saddle?!
478
00:27:49,667 --> 00:27:51,027
Drive on, Mephisto.
479
00:28:05,912 --> 00:28:37,908
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