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1
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Every morning. Off!
2
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Sorry.
3
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Carry on.
4
00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:32,919
Morning, class.
5
00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:35,679
Morning, sir.
6
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I have taken the liberty
7
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of doing the form register for you.
Shh, shh.
8
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:45,519
Jing, your language
is very beautiful
9
00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,439
but means nothing to me.
10
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:50,679
Parents' evening tonight, sir.
You get to meet my mum.
11
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,239
Everyone says she's a MILF.
12
00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:55,599
Chantelle, have you not got a class
to be preparing for? Maths.
13
00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:57,159
We're doing fractions.
14
00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:01,359
Apparently 23 won't go into 15.
Mrs Mollinson says it's impossible.
15
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:02,839
We'll see about that.
16
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:05,839
Oh, I can't believe you did that!
17
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,559
Rem Dogg, why are you late?
18
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:10,639
Wheelchair. And you, Mitchell?
19
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:13,559
Well, this thing don't push itself,
does it? Look, please,
20
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,319
it's Monday morning.
I have a hangover.
21
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:20,519
Joe, can you just go and see
if that first aid box
22
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has got any Berocca in it?
23
00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:23,640
Yes, Dad!
24
00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:30,999
Oh, my days! He just called
Mr Wickers Dad! What a helmet!
25
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,879
Shut up, Mitchell.
26
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:34,920
At least he knows who his dad is.
27
00:01:38,280 --> 00:02:07,319
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
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28
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:23,999
And that is how quiet Anne Frank
29
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,519
and her family had to be
to evade capture by the Nazis.
30
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:30,039
Mr Wickers, I need the papers.
31
00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:34,319
You 'vant to see my papers?
The mock exam papers, Mr Wickers.
32
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,679
Anything?
33
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:39,919
Has anyone ever told you that you
would make a wonderful SS officer?
34
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:43,159
Yes. Now shall we just do this
in my office?
35
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,560
Yeah.
36
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,199
I need to process
the mock exam results
37
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,039
for parents' evening tonight.
38
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,639
Yeah, right, good.
I was hoping you'd ask about those.
39
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:07,160
Stop fanny farting, Mr Wickers.
Just give me the results, where are they?
40
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:10,879
All up here. What?
41
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:14,559
Seriously. Give me any student,
I'll give you their results.
42
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,359
Natalya Lisovskaya. A.
43
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:24,439
Natalya Lisovskaya was a double gold
medal-winning Soviet shot putter.
44
00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:27,759
What they get up to in their free
time is none of my concern, Isobel.
45
00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:29,719
Don't call me that.
46
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:33,760
Izzy? Is that better?
Sort of more chummy. The Izzter.
47
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:39,479
I suppose you think
you've got balls coming in here
48
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,719
playing your silly little games.
Well, let me tell you something,
49
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:46,159
I've got bigger balls
than you'll ever have.
50
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,599
Well, it's written in the gent's,
but I assumed that was just a rumour.
51
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,000
It's a metaphor, Mr Wickers.
Let me hit you with another.
52
00:03:52,001 --> 00:03:54,199
You're skating on very thin ice.
53
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:59,639
And that ice is cracking with the
weight of me and my ginormous balls.
54
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,200
Two's company, three's a crowd.
55
00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:08,119
So, wait, now you've got three balls?
By five or they all fail. By five?!
56
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,559
But that's like 30 papers!
57
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,599
That's like three hours marking!
58
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:16,639
This is slave labour.
You are persecuting me.
59
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,599
Parents' evening is my opportunity
60
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,559
to show you up
for who you really are.
61
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,239
By five, or you'll be running home
to your daddy
62
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:26,000
like the pathetic little boy
you are.
63
00:04:26,001 --> 00:04:28,439
Oh, I won't be running anywhere.
64
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,559
Really? No.
65
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,080
Because Daddy is picking me up
in the car.
66
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,759
Alfie, your post in my pigeonhole
again. Morning, Rosie.
67
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,799
What is it, another nomination
for Teacher Of The Year?
68
00:04:57,800 --> 00:04:59,999
Outstanding payment
on a student loan.
69
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,799
What are you like?
70
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:06,239
Lovely. I look terrible, but thanks.
71
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:09,319
I was thinking about you last night.
72
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,759
I was on my way to the gym
for an ab-attack.
73
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:17,439
And I went past Cafe Rouge.
Reminded me of our little date.
74
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:20,599
It was a staff party.
You say potato, I say...
75
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:21,839
date.
76
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:25,519
Oh, please, Alfie, not today.
77
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:30,599
Richard broke up with me last night.
What, HE broke up with YOU? Why?
78
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:34,239
You're perfect. Oh, you know,
I guess it's a relief, you know.
79
00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,959
I mean, I'm a very physical person
80
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:41,559
and I think Richard was intimidated
by that. What a square!
81
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,599
I mean, for the last few months
we barely touched each other.
82
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:48,759
I'm going to take a break
from relationships and throw myself into my voluntary work.
83
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,559
No more dating men for me.
84
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,760
Just orphans and abused children.
85
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:58,400
Oh, as in the charity work?
86
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,760
O-O-Obviously. Obviously, yeah.
87
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:07,239
But if I need some teary pity sex,
you'll be on my shortlist.
88
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,959
I'd clear my diary like that.
89
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,759
Except for Thursday.
It's my dad's birthday,
90
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:16,359
so he's taking me and a friend
to go and see Cirque du Soleil.
91
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,400
Richard used to love the circus.
92
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:25,879
Someone put your post
in my pigeonhole.
93
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:29,760
Yeah, like I'm going to fall
for that trick, Mollinson.
94
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:38,119
Class, I've got good news
and bad news. What do you want?
95
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,039
The bad news.
96
00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:43,679
Well, Jing, the good news
is that today's history module is Pearl Harbor,
97
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,039
and we all know what that means.
98
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,720
It's class wars!
99
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,919
OK, so it's December 7th, 1941.
We're in Hawaii, a military port.
100
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:56,719
The first thing we're going
to require is some Americans.
101
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,559
Andre, you're Ben Affleck.
Joe, Josh Hartnett.
102
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,959
Rem Dogg, you're a tank. Yes!
103
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,919
Next up, I'm going to need a nurse.
Where's my Beckinsale?
104
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:10,079
Please, sir, I'm great with cancer.
I know all the words to Beaches. All right, you can be Beckinsale.
105
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:17,080
Now, finally, we require a member
of the Japanese Imperial Air Force.
106
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:22,839
The Emperor will be proud of you,
my lotus flower.
107
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,159
She's Chinese, you muppet! I know.
108
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:29,599
OK, positions! It's kamikaze time.
109
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,359
Wait, sir... what about the bad news?
110
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,599
Um... You might, probably,
almost definitely
111
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,239
are all going to fail
your mock exams.
112
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,439
What do you mean
we're going to fail?
113
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:43,319
It's complicated, all right,
I didn't want to bore you with it.
114
00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:48,959
The important lesson here is for you
to look for the positives in failure.
115
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:52,639
Like, for example, my grandad.
116
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,759
He suffered failure. Lung failure.
117
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:59,559
Which meant that I inherited a Volvo.
118
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:03,640
So remember that.
Always look for the Volvo.
119
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:09,199
So it's a quiet morning
in Pearl Harbor, but not in Tokyo.
120
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:13,399
Alfie, we can't fail.
My dad'll kill me. Don't be silly.
121
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,479
My dad'll kill you.
122
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:18,439
Well, I mean, I guess
I could mark some of them.
123
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,119
Listen, you mug!
You need to mark all of them.
124
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,639
Yeah, you don't want to see my dad
when he's angry.
125
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,639
He used to train in the same gym
as David Haye.
126
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,400
And Sally Gunnell.
127
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:37,200
Nice kicks.
128
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:41,879
Um, thank you? Give them me.
129
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:45,359
What? Give them me.
130
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,039
No.
131
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:50,119
You couldn't even wear them,
they have an orthopaedic heel.
132
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:54,119
Shut up, Downton Abbey. They would
play havoc with your arches.
133
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,719
I'm sorry, Grayson,
134
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,280
I'm not giving you my shoes.
135
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,119
Whoop, whoop!
136
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:13,999
It's the sound of the police!
137
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,319
You have been apprehended.
138
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,078
You have the right to remain silent,
139
00:09:18,079 --> 00:09:20,360
although that's unlikely,
as you've been arrested
140
00:09:20,361 --> 00:09:24,199
by Sergeant Fraser,
head of Dave's Witty Banter Unit.
141
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,399
Step inside, Alf,
need a quick conflabamundo.
142
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,919
Oh, Give me strength.
Grab some plastic, homeboy.
143
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,840
Look, you're not firing me, are you?
144
00:09:32,841 --> 00:09:35,319
If this is about those
fire extinguishers,
145
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:36,800
I was doing a class on democracy.
146
00:09:36,801 --> 00:09:40,599
I was using Mitchell to demonstrate
Guantanamo Bay torture techniques.
147
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:43,879
Holster those pistols, young ranger,
148
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:47,919
lets just control-alt-Apple-Z
that last little outburst, shall we?
149
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:51,999
Although for the record, that can
definitely never happen again. I get it.
150
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:56,879
You are intimidated
by my teaching methods. Right?
151
00:09:56,880 --> 00:10:01,279
Yeah, but I make learning fun.
If I was a font, I'd be Comic Sans.
152
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,599
You are so Times New Roman.
153
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,959
Shut the funk door!
You know I'd be Wingdings.
154
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:12,679
Crazy. Any-shiz, some of
the old school don't get you.
155
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:17,680
But I do. I'm young, I'm cool
and I find your approach...
156
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:25,079
refreshing.
157
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:29,319
However, this little man-to-man
is about Rosie. Miss Gulliver.
158
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:33,999
As Beyonce says, she's a single lady
and I'm going to put a ring in it.
159
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:37,199
What?! You fancy Miss Gulliver?
160
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,559
I likey...
161
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:40,959
I lighty.
162
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,160
Oh, what's that smell?
163
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,279
Whiffy banter!
164
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:50,279
Oh, for f...
Look, what's this got to do with me?
165
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:53,399
Because, Alf, you're going to be
my wingman! Uh-uh, no way.
166
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:56,079
I need your help to get Gulliver
to go on a date with me.
167
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,959
I'll literally follow
your every word.
168
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,440
My EVERY word?
169
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:06,400
All right. Well, I guess I could
give you SOME pointers.
170
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,399
First piece of advice...
171
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:10,919
completely ignore her.
172
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,519
Women love that shit.
173
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,559
Really? Yeah, it'll definitely work.
174
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,440
I can see we're going
to make quite a team.
175
00:11:18,441 --> 00:11:22,319
And look, I'm already prepped.
Downloaded a chat-up app.
176
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,759
Let's roll the dice.
177
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,159
You're ridiculous.
178
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,279
Roses are red, violets are blue,
179
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,799
later tonight I'll be
hanging out the back of...
180
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:34,920
I probably won't use that one,
actually.
181
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,720
Can I go now?
182
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,039
So, I decided, this evening,
183
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:13,479
take your mind off Richard, I would
book us a little table... No, no,
184
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,439
absolutely, 100% definitely not.
185
00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:18,719
Sounds like a maybe.
186
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:22,399
Look, I think the reason things
didn't work out with Richard
187
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:25,080
is cos he was so old and boring.
188
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:30,599
You know, what a lot of women
prefer nowadays is a toy boy.
189
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,119
Ashton and Demi.
190
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,440
Guy Ritchie and Madonna.
All divorced.
191
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:40,039
Ben Ofuedo and Vanessa Feltz.
192
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:41,160
Alf, I love you.
193
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:43,000
Not in that way.
194
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,319
It's just...
195
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,399
you are a bit immature.
196
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,679
"You're a bit immature."
197
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:57,399
Mm. Look, I am a grown-up.
I do so many grown-up things.
198
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:01,359
I use coasters,
I put my posters into frames.
199
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,759
I've got a bag-for-life.
200
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,720
Share my bag with me, Rosie.
201
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,479
Did that sound really desperate?
202
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:10,839
A little.
203
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:12,280
Shit.
204
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,720
Immature!
205
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,519
Hi, yeah, is that TGI Fridays?
206
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:27,160
Yeah, I want to cancel a table
booked under the name of Wickers.
207
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,639
Well, obviously
if I'm cancelling the table,
208
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,760
I also want to cancel the cake.
209
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,919
I can't. What's the point?
210
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,279
Sir?
211
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:46,759
Oh. History or something.
212
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:50,519
Oh, stop being such a pussy.
It's just a girl.
213
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:54,199
That's very perceptive.
Oh, no, what I meant to say was,
214
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:57,399
stop being such a girl,
it's only pussy!
215
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:58,479
Right.
216
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,279
I suppose you'll be looking
for a rebound then, sir?
217
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,919
I feel so hurt. So upset.
218
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:08,039
It's like getting kicked
in the balls with a football
219
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:10,399
to the power of Mufasa dying
in Lion King.
220
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,999
Ow! Snap out of it. Wow!
221
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:16,559
You've got quite a slap.
Well, you learn to defend yourself
222
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,479
when you're the only kid in
the playground with a Sade ringtone.
223
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:21,919
He's right, you need to man up! Ow!
224
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,720
Right, OK, enough with the slapping.
225
00:14:23,721 --> 00:14:26,079
Sorry, I just wanted to hit you.
Hang on, guys,
226
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:29,399
Mr Wickers may be
a bit of a twat. Right...
227
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:32,759
Despite being a twat... Don't get me
wrong, he's definitely a twat.
228
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:36,039
OK, I think we get the picture.
But if he don't mark that shit, he'll get fired,
229
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:40,959
then we could end up with a real
teacher! We can say goodbye to class wars and hello to homework.
230
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,519
Screw that!
231
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,359
Oh, God, my parents might send me
to one of them all girls' schools
232
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:49,200
where you're not allowed
electric toothbrushes or door handles or anything.
233
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:58,039
Of course, Jing!
234
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,479
You guys can mark them.
235
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:05,039
We'll do the pass-to-the-left
method! Why didn't I think of that?
236
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:08,040
Hooray for Jing!
237
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,480
You're a joke.
238
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:20,360
Yeahhhhhhh! Woo!
239
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,639
A-ha, Alfie Wickers! The Wicker Man!
240
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:30,919
Wickers World! What's going on here?
241
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:34,039
Just organising a post-workage
meetage at the pubage,
242
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,279
Duke's Arms... age.
243
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:41,999
We're going to talk about the
school's charity calendar. I want to make a speech at parents' evening
244
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,479
and the reason I've chosen
this God-awful degenerative disease
245
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,039
is that... I know all about
Palmer's Syndrome. Really?
246
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,399
Yep.
247
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,799
Personal experience. Sadly.
248
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,320
Who?
249
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,639
Joe's mum. What, really?
250
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:04,439
Yeah. Yeah, she got the old PS.
251
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,999
Caught it on holiday. Caught it?
252
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:13,479
What I mean is, it caught up
with her on holiday... obviously,
253
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,439
as Palmer's Syndrome
isn't contagious.
254
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:19,279
It's er... idiopathic.
255
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,759
Which strand did she contract?
256
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:22,959
Both of them.
257
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:27,399
Bo... Arthropathic and neuropathic?
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Correct.
258
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:31,239
God, so she had all of the
symptoms? All of them. Which ones?
259
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,479
You know, the main ones.
260
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,879
S... Insomnia.
261
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:40,879
Postural instability.
Oh, that's nasty.
262
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:45,719
Um, the face thing, with the face...
263
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,799
Face? Her fingers fell off.
264
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,359
Her fingers fell off?! I did not
know that that was a symptom.
265
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,999
Yeah, it's not so much a symptom.
It was, um, frostbite,
266
00:16:56,000 --> 00:17:00,479
she got frostbite, cos
she was looking for a cure in...
267
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:01,839
Iceland.
268
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:05,480
That's why mums
shouldn't go to Iceland!
269
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,839
Anyway, I don't want to go on
about it but, you know,
270
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:13,479
I do do an awful lot for him.
271
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:17,039
I mean, only this morning in class...
272
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,799
No, I shouldn't say, it's silly.
No, no, go on.
273
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,119
He called me Daddy. Aw!
274
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,239
It's no biggy, you know.
275
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,199
I had no idea that Palmer's Syndrome
meant so much to you, Alfie.
276
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,359
Why don't you join us?
277
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:32,680
It'd be lovely to have his input,
wouldn't it, Fraser?
278
00:17:32,681 --> 00:17:34,799
Well, I think it'd be better
if we were just...
279
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,759
It would mean a lot.
280
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:40,599
Who cares for the carers? Hey, we
can all go. The more, the merrier.
281
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:43,079
Thanks, Rosie. That's OK!
282
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:46,320
Can I just talk to that student?
Go get him.
283
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,079
Alfredo, good squire?
284
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,039
Mmm? You wouldn't be cock-blocking
me, would you, wingman?
285
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:56,159
No, no. Course not, wingman.
286
00:17:56,160 --> 00:18:00,199
What I'm doing
is demonstrating to her
287
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,199
how unsuitable I am
288
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:06,639
to highlight how great you are,
Maverick.
289
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:10,039
Mmm. Thunking outside the box,
290
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,679
Goose.
291
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,240
Oh, BT-dubs, love the way you rock
out with your croc out.
292
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:34,839
Joe, I am going to need you
to go ahead and hide in the cupboard.
293
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,639
OK...
294
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,040
Quick!
295
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:46,879
Hey, sorry, just busy with...
Sorry, Alfie, I was just thinking,
296
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,120
about Joe's mum, um...
297
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,639
Alfie, why are the kids
sat like that?
298
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,640
Oh, we're learning
about South Africa.
299
00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,119
Right. Um...
300
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,719
I was thinking, I could really use
Joe's mum in the campaign.
301
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,439
Really?
302
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,119
Is that a good idea?
303
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:08,280
It's a personal story,
give the appeal resonance.
304
00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:09,999
Shock people into action!
305
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,280
Yeah, but, you know...
306
00:19:11,281 --> 00:19:13,559
So can I just have a quick word
with Joe? No.
307
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:18,959
Er, you can't, cos he was ill,
so he went to the doctor.
308
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,839
Let's hope he hasn't got it as well.
309
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:26,479
Oh, well, if you see him, just
tell me, won't you? Will do. OK.
310
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:28,160
Can I come out now?
311
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,039
What was that? What was what, sorry?
312
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,719
That voice from the cupboard.
313
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,719
Nelson Mandela.
314
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,119
Yeah. Robben Island.
315
00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:41,639
Sorry, Mandy! 1989, one more year!
316
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,320
Crack on,
you've got a book to write.
317
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,600
See you later.
318
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,639
Miss Gulliver is so buffting.
319
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,599
Yeah, she's hot, man,
like proper spice! No, she ain't!
320
00:19:56,600 --> 00:20:00,600
Beauty is in the eye of
the beholder, Chantelle. Shakespeare.
321
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:07,199
Shakespeare, Jing, he was an English
writer who wrote Romeo and Juliet.
322
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,720
And The King's Speech.
323
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:11,839
Hey!
324
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:16,079
So, you know the way I'm your
favourite teacher in the whole world?
325
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:20,359
Well, I need a little favour
from my favourite pupil.
326
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:24,439
You are always asking me to do you
favours. No, I'm not. Give me one.
327
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:25,919
Yesterday, at break,
328
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:28,999
when you made me go up
to Conor Wilson and tell him that you were Banksy.
329
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,439
Look, all I need you to do
this time, very simple,
330
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,519
is to pretend your mum has
a potentially fatal, degenerative disease
331
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,440
so that Miss Gulliver
goes on a date with me
332
00:20:37,441 --> 00:20:42,560
and subsequently,
at some point in the future, hopefully becomes my girlfriend.
333
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:45,119
OK.
334
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:04,079
Oh, Miss Pickwell.
335
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:07,640
See you, er, got the papers? Indeed.
336
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:12,440
Good. So, er, what were the results?
337
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,039
Oh, silly me.
338
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:19,399
All up here.
339
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,359
Whose do you want to know?
340
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:24,079
Um, Mitchell? Fail.
341
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:25,679
Remi? Fail.
342
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,439
Stephen? Fail.
343
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:30,039
Fail, fail, fail, fail,
344
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,639
fail, fail, fail, fail.
Fail, fail, fail.
345
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:37,639
OK. Starting to see a bit
of a pattern emerging here.
346
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,519
Oh, what about Chantelle?
Oh, let's see.
347
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,119
Oh, 100%.
348
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:47,119
"Could try harder
to be less of a slag."
349
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:49,119
Classic.
350
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,639
You didn't mark their papers,
Mr Wickers.
351
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,679
They did. And because of this,
they all failed.
352
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:59,319
The trouble with you, Mr Wickers,
is you're all fart and no poo.
353
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,320
Let me tell you this, when I fart...
354
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,000
I follow through.
355
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:16,279
So, as Chantelle's mother
356
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:17,959
and...
357
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,240
father?
358
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,159
I-I...
359
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:28,120
Sorry, um, you're not actually
allowed to smoke in here...
360
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,840
or indeed any buildings these days.
361
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:39,320
Um, what it is, is that Chantelle
has failed her mock exam.
362
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:45,159
I bet she done all right
on her oral.
363
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,199
I teach history,
we don't even do an...
364
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,280
Never mind.
365
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,760
Oh...
366
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,879
So before we get onto Jing,
serious question.
367
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:24,200
How long until all the pets
we have will be robots?
368
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,400
Oh... Struggling, Wickers?
369
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:47,239
I always find parents' evening
a lot less stressful
370
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:49,559
if at least one of my children
has passed.
371
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,959
That's the problem with you,
Pickwell.
372
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:55,279
It's all about results and grades.
373
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:58,359
My class have other talents. Right.
374
00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:01,839
Stephen knows all the words
to Steel Magnolias.
375
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:05,399
Wow! That's like
a three-hour film.
376
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:09,319
And Mitchell Harper can hold
his breath for four minutes.
377
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,919
Twice what I can do! Right.
378
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:14,879
And you remember Joe,
the boy you wanted to exclude?
379
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:20,799
Well, he has got a birthmark
that looks exactly like James May.
380
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,879
So you may not see much in my them,
381
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:26,239
but I believe in my class.
382
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:30,159
And for the record,
they're not children, OK?
383
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,039
They are young adults.
384
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,559
Oh, shit!
385
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,679
Rem Dogg's dad's got a glass eye!
386
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:37,560
What a penis!
387
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:51,839
Alfie, I think this whole
Miss Gulliver thing might've got out of hand.
388
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,999
What happened? Well, she was
asking me all these questions
389
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:57,279
and I just started panicking.
And then...
390
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,919
Look, look, calm down,
it's going to be fine.
391
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:03,000
I told her my mum was dead.
Oh, shit! Boo!
392
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:09,119
First a mahoo-ssive thank you
for coming to parents' evening.
393
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:13,559
I know it can be difficult
hearing how your sprogs are a little bit slow on the uptake.
394
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:18,280
And you're thinking, "Oh, God,
why didn't I lay off the cider after the first scan?"
395
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,879
But it's important to remember
that there are kids out there
396
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:27,959
less fortunate than your own.
397
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:32,239
So here to tell you a little bit
about our fundraising venture
398
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:35,279
is the wonderful Miss Gulliver.
Big hand, please.
399
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:38,080
Shit, you have to stop her! How?
400
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:43,320
We are all going to die.
401
00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:46,679
But what if I told you, madam,
402
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:50,240
that your child wasn't going
to reach the age of 30?
403
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,079
Because that's the reality
of Palmer's Syndrome.
404
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:58,999
It's a condition that affects
one in six million.
405
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:04,359
So give us
all your fuckin' money now!
406
00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:09,159
That is the message here.
Now, if everyone wants to make their way through to the foyer,
407
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,759
there's a complimentary glass
of red or white wine.
408
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:13,919
Let's get in before
Ms Mollinson necks it all,
409
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:16,759
we all know what she's been like
ever since her husband left her!
410
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:18,079
Alfie, not now.
411
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:22,759
So I would like to tell you a story
about a brave woman
412
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:26,319
who this year lost her battle
with Palmer's Syndrome.
413
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:30,119
A remarkable woman. Joe's mum.
414
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:32,640
Emma Poulter.
415
00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:37,399
Hang on. Who?!
416
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,199
Free booze! What's going on?
417
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:42,519
Some people find loss
very hard to take.
418
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,879
Emma Poulter isn't dead.
419
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:47,039
Denial. First stage of grief.
420
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,519
I'm Emma Poulter.
421
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,239
Second stage, identity theft.
422
00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,800
No, I am Emma Poulter!
423
00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:59,359
No, I am Emma Poulter!
424
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:03,799
Because in many ways
we're all Emma Poulters,
425
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:06,879
because this disease
can affect anyone.
426
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:09,719
I'm very much alive,
and I haven't got Palmer's Syndrome.
427
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:11,560
Alfie? She...
428
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:15,879
You said that...
429
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:18,159
She's got ten massive fingers!
430
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:22,479
Right, Wickers, my office now!
Come on. Wait! Wait!
431
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:26,239
It's not his fault. I did it.
432
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:28,880
I just wanted to make
Mr Wickers happy.
433
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,160
I just wanted to show off to him.
434
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:36,719
He's the dad I never really had.
Oh, my God...
435
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:38,120
Aw!
436
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:41,720
But I'm your dad.
437
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:45,240
Oh, bollocks.
438
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:50,319
God, I really need a drink.
439
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,519
Yeah, well, let's go to the pubage.
440
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:57,880
I haven't been out for a long time.
Don't worry, I'll look after you.
441
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:03,279
I'm sorry, Alfie.
442
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:06,199
It's just all so cringe.
443
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:08,080
I failed again.
444
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,680
Look for the Volvo.
445
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:17,559
Do you want to go play Time Crisis
and shove some dog shit
446
00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:19,439
through Pickwell's letter box?
447
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:20,759
Yeah.
448
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:22,920
Let's do that again.
449
00:28:22,945 --> 00:28:34,197
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