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1
00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:10,953
♪ You must remember this
2
00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:13,554
♪ A kiss is still a kiss
3
00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:16,757
♪ A sigh is just a sigh
4
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:22,749
♪ The fundamental things apply
5
00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:26,799
♪ As time goes by ♪
6
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,754
- You have put the eggs on top?
- Of course I have.
7
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:40,879
If you bring any back cracked,
it won't be my fault. It'll be that thing.
8
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,269
I'll have you know that that "thing"
9
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:46,352
has not had one mechanical failure
since 1959.
10
00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:50,353
I'm not talking about the engine,
I'm talking about the way you drive it.
11
00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:53,398
I have never driven
over the island of a roundabout.
12
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,994
It wasn't me, that was Dolly Parton.
13
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:59,629
Oh, so she was driving
your Skoda that evening?
14
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:03,838
She was on the radio. I got distracted.
15
00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:06,229
Thank goodness she wasn't
in the car with you.
16
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:09,710
You'd have hit every signpost
from here to Winchester.
17
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,916
When are you coming out with me, then?
18
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:16,551
When the moon turns to cheese.
I did ask for strawberries didn't I?
19
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,596
Yeah, they're on the top with the eggs.
20
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:21,478
You've got people coming
for the weekend, haven't you?
21
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,471
How very perceptive of you.
22
00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:28,436
- Do you want a hand up?
- Certainly not!
23
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:37,072
Goodbye, Mr Wells.
24
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:39,116
Bye, Mrs Bale.
25
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:43,159
It'll be the young Mr and Mrs Hardcastle
coming down then, will it?
26
00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:46,038
Goodbye, Mr Wells.
27
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,475
I'll bet it will be them.
28
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,074
Well, we'll be ready for 'em.
29
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,590
I don't see why you don't
come with us now.
30
00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,194
What? Like this? We'd let the side down.
31
00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:04,273
Contrary to male opinion, women
can get ready quickly if they want to.
32
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:08,114
Mum, you have been up
for the last two hours.
33
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,997
I had to get Lionel organised.
34
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:13,231
- He was ready long before you.
- Cos I got him organised.
35
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,198
Mum, we'll come down later
as we arranged.
36
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,111
"Be with you in a minute," you said.
37
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,317
It occurred to me
the girls could come down with us now.
38
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:24,551
- I don't think that's a good idea.
- You haven't gone off us?
39
00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:29,031
I've packed the car, jam-packed actually.
You couldn't get a teaspoon in there.
40
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,429
It's just a few odds and ends
of things I need.
41
00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:33,238
You do exaggerate sometimes.
42
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:36,198
I don't know where all these
odds and ends come from.
43
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,396
Nothing seems to disappear from here.
44
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,630
I have a secret cellar, if you must know.
45
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:42,472
It wouldn't surprise me.
46
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,393
- What are you doing?
- Pouring myself a mug of coffee.
47
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,233
- I'm ready to go.
- You were nattering when I came in.
48
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:51,198
I was trying to persuade
the girls to come with us.
49
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,430
We can't do, because we're not ready.
50
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,193
And also, we don't fancy
travelling on the roof rack.
51
00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,430
So, shall I have this coffee or what?
52
00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:01,034
- I've told you, I'm ready to go.
- Right.
53
00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:06,910
Mum, you are sure that
you want us to stay for the weekend?
54
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,752
We wouldn't have asked otherwise.
55
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:12,276
You asked. Lionel does know about this,
doesn't he?
56
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,237
Of course he does. He said, "Fine."
57
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:17,073
Yes, there are ways
of saying fine, aren't there?
58
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,071
I mean you can say, "Fine!"
59
00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:20,991
Or you can say, "Fine."
60
00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,117
- You haven't even stood up!
- Will you settle a point?
61
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,873
When I suggested
the girls and Alistair come down,
62
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,757
did you say, "Fine!" or "Fine"?
63
00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,752
- I said, "If you like."
- Oh.
64
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,434
You know how to make
a girl feel wanted, Lionel.
65
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:38,798
Well, as a matter of fact, you'll all be
very welcome. We're not popular there.
66
00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:41,758
- We only antagonised half the village.
- So far.
67
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,239
Are we ready to go now?
68
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:46,198
I think I'll just have
another cup of coffee.
69
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,109
(Man speaking Dutch on radio)
70
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,350
We've got that Dutch station again.
71
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:56,749
Doesn't seem to pick up
anything in English.
72
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,718
- Try looking for a Dutch station.
- It might just work.
73
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,597
(Woman speaking French)
74
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,989
French any good?
75
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:08,593
(# Buddy Holly: Everyday)
76
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:12,229
♪ Everyday, it's a-gettin' closer
77
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:15,869
♪ Goin' faster than a roller coaster
78
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,076
♪ Love like yours will...
79
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,355
(Both) # Surely come my way
80
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:22,749
♪ A-hey, a-hey, hey... ♪
81
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:26,269
They're coming.
82
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,158
Willie! They're coming!
83
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,231
Mr Willis, they're coming!
84
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:34,278
♪ Love like yours willsurely come my way
85
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,397
(Both) # A hey, a hey, hey... #
86
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,436
Mr Dunn!
87
00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,909
Mr Hardy, they're coming!
88
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,719
♪ Loves a little stronger,come what may... ♪
89
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:47,677
Helen, they're coming.
90
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,991
(Both) # True love from me... #
91
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,358
Mr Dunn, they're coming.
92
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:54,873
♪ It's a-gettin' closer
93
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:58,396
♪ Goin' faster than a roller coaster
94
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:02,917
(Both) # Love like yours will
surely come my way
95
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,195
♪ A-hey, a-hey, hey... ♪
96
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,518
(Radio off)
97
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,910
- What's going on?
- I hope it's not a lynch mob.
98
00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:16,318
Reverse.
99
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,153
I'm not driving backwards
to the crossroads.
100
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,038
Now, just keep calm and try
to avoid eye contact.
101
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,031
Look pleasant.
102
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,917
We may have antagonised
half the village
103
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,150
but we're well in with the other half.
104
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,993
I thought you waved very regally
as we drove away.
105
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,594
Yes, to tell the truth I felt rather regal.
106
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:54,229
Well, I haven't been
showered with gifts since...
107
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,429
Well, I've never
been showered with gifts.
108
00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,476
I might have a crack at this cider later.
109
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,677
You'll be flat on your back
for the rest of the weekend.
110
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,512
How did Mr Wells describe it?
111
00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:08,957
"Tastier than nitroglycerine
but with much the same effect."
112
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,031
I still don't know why all this, though.
113
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,634
- They said thanks for everything.
- But what?
114
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,472
Our mere presence.
115
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,915
- That's not very likely, is it?
- Not hardly.
116
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,959
- Someone's left a firkin on the doorstep.
- Is that good or bad?
117
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,349
Very good. It's a barrel of ale.
118
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:25,998
What is going on, Mrs Bale?
119
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,833
Don't you see?
The other week at that barbecue,
120
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,673
when you put those parvenus
in their place,
121
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,877
word got out and it went down well
with the rest of the village.
122
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,518
They're showing appreciation.
123
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,717
It hardly warrants all this.
All we did was speak our minds.
124
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:43,713
Word has it, Mrs Hardcastle, that you
threatened to set the dogs on them.
125
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,395
Yes, I did, but as we haven't got
any dogs, it was rather an empty threat.
126
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,358
What about Mr Hardcastle
throwing somebody over a hedge?
127
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:51,793
I did no such thing.
128
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,678
I suggested he might
if he was sufficiently enraged.
129
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,752
- I can't throw people over hedges.
- They didn't know that.
130
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:01,116
According to the butcher,
you threw two people over the hedge.
131
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:03,111
How many did Jean throw over it?
132
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,953
- I have no hearsay on that.
- That's a relief.
133
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,554
Mr Norris in the post office
is telling everyone
134
00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,393
you put out their barbecue
with a fire extinguisher.
135
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,436
No, I did nothing of the sort.
136
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,751
- Who started all these wild stories?
- You, Mrs Bale?
137
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:20,549
I refute that allegation
with every fibre of my being.
138
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,996
- Well, who then?
- I must pick some herbs.
139
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:25,832
(Lionel) Mrs Bale?
140
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,791
There's something about this place.
141
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,394
We leave London
as sane, reasonable people,
142
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:36,029
half an hour later we're
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
143
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,270
What else are we supposed
to have done?
144
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:40,316
Well, somebody's started all this.
145
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:43,198
Mm. Whoever it is
has a warped sense of humour
146
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,430
and no regard for the truth whatsoever.
147
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,637
- (Car horn plays Dixie)
- Oh, God.
148
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:53,118
You ought to be ashamed of yourselves,
the pair of you.
149
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:57,671
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
That's a good one.
150
00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:00,274
You're both old enough to know better.
151
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:03,477
Piffle! If you ever think
you're old enough to know better,
152
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,437
you ought to have yourself put down.
153
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,114
- There's some sense in that.
- No, there isn't.
154
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,509
Why spread all these wild stories?
155
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,556
We didn't spread them at all.
156
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,632
We may not have discouraged
anyone from believing them.
157
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:17,233
I keep asking. Why?
158
00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,835
It does no harm to be held
in a little esteem, does it?
159
00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,478
Not as a couple of tearaways.
160
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:27,350
Perhaps it did get a little out of hand, but
you know what small communities are.
161
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,590
You sneeze at one end of the village.
162
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:33,639
By the time the story gets to the other,
you're dying of pneumonia.
163
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:36,518
Isn't there a way to get it back into hand?
164
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,956
You surprise me, Jean Pargetter.
That's a very dull thought.
165
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,396
Your husband is now known
as the people's champion.
166
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,471
I don't want to be. Leave it to Nigel Benn.
167
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:47,312
He's as nutty as a fruitcake.
168
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,914
He was going on about
forming a people's militia
169
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,230
to guard the factories a few years ago.
170
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,278
Not Tony Benn. Nigel Benn, the boxer.
171
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:58,477
- How does he figure in all this?
- (Jean) He doesn't.
172
00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:01,677
Lionel is simply saying
all we wanted here was a quiet life.
173
00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:02,988
Not a lot to ask.
174
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,753
So we got drawn into
that so-called county set.
175
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,353
- Yahoos.
- Agreed.
176
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,557
But when we found that out,
we told them... Well...
177
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,234
- We told them what we thought of them.
- That's all.
178
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,949
We didn't throw people over hedges
or go berserk with a fire extinguisher.
179
00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:20,589
- We know that, dear.
- Could you let the village know it?
180
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,797
I shouldn't think so.
They prefer the juicier version.
181
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:27,429
- Human nature.
- Think of the new friends you've made.
182
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:31,115
It can sometimes take years
in a village to do that.
183
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,276
- You're wavering.
- Rocky has a point.
184
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,477
The wind is veering
northeast in the Irish Sea.
185
00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:40,711
- I'm lying of course.
- Why would you do that, Mrs Bale?
186
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:44,190
I've already been called
an inveterate liar once today.
187
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:47,033
I just thought you might
have started those rumours.
188
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,076
And we're very contrite.
189
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:53,915
Mrs Bale. Come down off your high
horse, or I'll give you a good tickling.
190
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:58,312
Very well. I accept your apology.
191
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:03,428
I am, as always, telling the truth when
I say that the young people have arrived.
192
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,873
Oh, jolly!
193
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,030
Mum, what on earth is going on?
194
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,076
I'll tell you over lunch, a long one.
195
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,072
- Big Tom, he said his name was.
- Who did?
196
00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,720
The guy who asked us
to deliver this piglet.
197
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,756
(All) Oh!
198
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,990
Oh, Mum, please let's keep him.
199
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,638
Oh, he's so sweet.
200
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,871
I know he's sweet, but I'm not keeping
a piglet in Holland Park.
201
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:27,635
Lionel can build
a little house for him in the garden.
202
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,472
He's only tiny.
203
00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:31,869
Whatever happened
to elementary biology?
204
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,155
He'll grow.
Tell them about keeping a pig.
205
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:35,958
You've got to be practical.
206
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:39,157
Fatten him up and he'll
fill your freezer one day.
207
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,119
- Freezer?
- Oh, no.
208
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,156
It's what happens to pigs.
209
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,913
We can't do that. We've met him now.
210
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,631
Well, it isn't a social thing, dear.
211
00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:55,472
I shall be serving lunch in...
212
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,312
58 and a half minutes.
213
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:58,753
(Jean) Oh, thank you.
214
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:02,116
Mrs Bale, you wouldn't look after
the pig for us, would you?
215
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:03,997
In a word, no.
216
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:10,633
I gladly embrace a wide range of duties
but tending livestock is not one of them.
217
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:14,633
We could have him at the cottage
but we're away such a lot.
218
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:18,269
Yes, you can hardly expect
a pig to self-cater.
219
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,032
Mum?
220
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:21,917
I'll think of something.
221
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:23,274
(Oinking)
222
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,509
Funny, I hadn't envisaged
carting a piglet about today.
223
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,909
It's your fault for
becoming the local hero.
224
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,956
Put him down for a bit.
225
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:40,032
- Oh, Mr Ferris.
- Ah, good morning.
226
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,076
- Good morning.
- Morning, Mr Ferris.
227
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,357
We brought the piglet back.
We can't really keep him.
228
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:49,592
It's just not practical. We can hardly take
him for walks in the park, can we?
229
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:52,319
Oh, dear, Big Tom will be upset.
230
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:57,793
- He won't be offended, will he?
- No offence, but having a gift rejected...
231
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:01,793
He may be six foot eight,
but he's got feelings.
232
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:05,429
We're not rejecting the gift,
we just want somebody to look after him.
233
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,556
We'll sponsor him, of course.
234
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,552
- Sponsor him?
- Pay for his keep and education.
235
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:14,713
Lionel. It's the girls, you see. They'd love
to visit him from time to time.
236
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:18,793
- They've even given him a name.
- A name?
237
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:21,633
- Roland.
- Roland?
238
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,551
It's a nice name, isn't it?
239
00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,154
I never really thought
of a pig having a name.
240
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,310
So, would you look after him?
241
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,517
Yes, of course I will.
I've got an orchard round the back.
242
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,273
He'll be as happy as a pig in...
243
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,716
- An orchard?
- An orchard, that's it.
244
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:44,194
Just one more thing. We don't want him
turned into... bacon or sausages.
245
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,589
Just keep him, you mean?
246
00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:48,716
As a pet, really.
247
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,439
Lol Ferris keeping a pig
called Roland as a pet?
248
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,193
Wait till word gets round...
249
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:57,670
- There'll be laughs about that.
- We know it's not the country way.
250
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,274
- We know we're townies.
- Don't get that wrong.
251
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,033
The townies we don't like
are the sort that come here
252
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:07,193
claiming they like the country life and
then do their damn silly best to spoil it.
253
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,077
Like that lot you sorted out.
254
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:10,718
We just had a row.
255
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:14,315
Whatever you've done,
they've kept a very low profile ever since.
256
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:19,190
That suits all of us. Look around you,
there's not much wrong with it, is there?
257
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,236
No, there isn't.
258
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:27,270
Well, now, I'd ask you in for a cup of tea
but mother's cutting her toenail.
259
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:29,510
Oh, well, we'll leave her to it, then.
260
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:33,673
- Thank you for looking after Roland.
- Don't you worry.
261
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,716
(Oinking)
262
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,196
Funny name for a sow.
263
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,034
It had to be pork for lunch, hadn't it?
264
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,271
I just pushed mine
round and round the plate.
265
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:51,874
I kept thinking of Roland's little face.
266
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:56,750
Roland's fine. Lol's mother will probably
knit him a little sweater for the winter.
267
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,876
But I wanted to talk to you.
268
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:03,875
I'm sorry, young fella, we're doing
a time trial on the tandem this afternoon.
269
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,269
We'll have a natter
down the pub this evening.
270
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:07,839
You're all coming, aren't you?
271
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,639
It's not
a country-and-western night, is it?
272
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:14,474
There are times when I despair of you.
No, it's not.
273
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:17,028
See you all this evening. Hang loose.
274
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,758
(All) Bye!
(Jean) Good luck!
275
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,319
Time trial on a tandem.
276
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,550
I don't expect it will be a fast time trial.
277
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,518
The timekeeper will probably
use a grandfather clock.
278
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:29,957
It's a lovely afternoon. I think I'm gonna
slip into a bikini and catch some sun.
279
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,792
Good idea. I think I'll join you.
280
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,997
- I'd rather you didn't.
- Alistair, are you feeling unwell?
281
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,310
I thought you'd be out with three towels.
282
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,392
I just wanted everyone to hear my idea.
283
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:44,519
You see, Lionel was telling me earlier
how this house is a white elephant,
284
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,353
and I have had an idea.
285
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,273
This isn't really
any of my business, so I'll...
286
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:53,033
You've met our mad relatives
and haven't flinched.
287
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:56,590
- You're part of the family now.
- Oh, gee, Daddy.
288
00:14:56,680 --> 00:15:00,116
- Almost part of the family.
- What's your idea, Alistair?
289
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,668
- Can I call you Daddy?
- I'd sooner you didn't.
290
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,672
- People, please.
- Let's get Alistair's idea over with.
291
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,509
- Over with?
- No, listened to. Listened to.
292
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:15,755
Thank you. Now, your prob as I see it
is that this house is empty for, what,
293
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,513
80% of the time?
It should be earning money.
294
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,273
If it's a hotel,
Lionel's already thought of it.
295
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:24,397
A hotel? What, with Lionel running it?
296
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,914
(Laughs) I'd die to see that.
297
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,594
I then rejected the idea, all right?
298
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:34,151
I wasn't thinking of a hotel anyway.
My idea is... a conference centre.
299
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,156
Any more funnies, or shall I go on?
300
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,719
No, go on.
301
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,314
Li, there are corporate people out there
302
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:45,359
who'd give up their Rolexes for a spot
like this. Conference centres are in!
303
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,432
Firms do seem to be having
a lot of conferences these days.
304
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,476
Have conferences about conferences.
305
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:54,030
The best our office can manage
is a spritzer at the local wine bar.
306
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:58,033
You may be a member of the family
but you're not irreplaceable.
307
00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,838
You've gone very quiet, Li.
308
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:04,835
Well, I wouldn't want a load of lager louts
trampling all over the place.
309
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,753
I should have said,
executive conference centre.
310
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:11,913
- They'd still trample all over the place.
- What exactly would this entail?
311
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:16,596
An attentive staff, headed by someone
who is Mr Charm personified.
312
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,797
I wouldn't want to get
involved in running the place.
313
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:24,038
I didn't actually have you in mind, Li.
314
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:28,238
- Lionel can be very charming.
- I know. But it's not that often, is it?
315
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,232
Well, he's never tried it
on a professional basis.
316
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:34,915
I don't intend to start. I'm not going
around beaming at people all day.
317
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:40,154
That's my point. We'll get someone.
I'll headhunt a face from somewhere.
318
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:44,950
I don't fancy a conference going on
while we're here, however executive it is.
319
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:48,430
Li, you book conference dates
around your dates.
320
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,909
We'll need to speak to Father and Madge.
321
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,514
We decided that
when Lionel flirted with the idea
322
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:56,876
- of becoming a latter-day Basil Fawlty.
- He gave us the house...
323
00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:00,794
That's why I wanted them here
before they tore off on their tandem.
324
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:04,953
We'll catch them later.
Now, any other frowns I can iron out?
325
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:08,157
I shall be serving coffee
in six and half minutes.
326
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:09,958
(Alistair) Mrs Bale!
327
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,634
Why is everyone staring at me?
328
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:16,154
How can I put this?
329
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,596
Mrs Bale, if, and it's a big if,
if we were to use this house
330
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:23,832
as a conference centre during the week,
would you stay on as housekeeper?
331
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,593
Provided there were
no shenanigans in the rooms,
332
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,672
it might prove to be quite exhilarating.
333
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:32,755
Well.
334
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,479
I wonder
what she meant by "exhilarating".
335
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:37,437
We'd have to jazz her up a bit.
336
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,876
Try it, Alistair,
and you value your life very cheaply.
337
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,679
I wonder
what she meant by "shenanigans".
338
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:45,432
Li, are we in orbit with this one?
339
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,637
Perhaps not in orbit
but it's worth thinking about.
340
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:52,793
Great! So, why don't you girls
go and lie out in your bikinis
341
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,711
and we'll talk about life.
342
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,758
The sun's gone in.
343
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,957
The sacrifices I make for this family.
344
00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:09,357
You know, Alistair, you do make
sacrifices for our family.
345
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,954
- That was just a joke.
- Yeah, I know it was.
346
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,996
But you're always there for us.
347
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:16,833
Any problem and up you pop
like a guardian angel.
348
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:20,189
Well, perhaps not quite an angel.
349
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,475
Maybe you're the family I never had.
350
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:25,836
Alistair, you did have a family.
You told me about them.
351
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,674
- Don't have, then.
- You're not a very convincing orphan.
352
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,751
OK, then, I like you guys.
353
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:35,435
Really, I do. I like Li. I like Jean.
354
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,829
- I like...
- You were chasing her, once.
355
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,638
You even sent her a gorilla-gram.
356
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,870
That was just a phase.
Didn't work, anyway.
357
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,838
She made him take
his head off but you...
358
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:49,516
- I don't want a gorilla-gram.
- What I'm trying to say is...
359
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,556
you are the reason.
360
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:56,389
Well, our history doesn't exactly
back that up, does it?
361
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,994
Why don't we sneak off
together for a quiet meal?
362
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,674
Just the two of us, this evening.
363
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,274
I think I'd like that.
364
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,954
It's always been you. You know that.
365
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,871
Sometimes.
366
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,269
Sometimes...
367
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,954
Oh, Sandy did put her bikini on, after all.
368
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,712
Reflex action.
369
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,952
Reflex action!
370
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:30,640
- May I help?
- Oh, sorry, Mrs Bale.
371
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,676
- May I help?
- Oh, sorry, Mrs Bale.
372
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,637
I was just helping myself to a drink.
373
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,917
- You should have called me.
- I couldn't find you.
374
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:41,276
- In that case, we'll overlook the matter.
- Thank you, Mrs Bale.
375
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:44,238
Actually, I was in the garden,
talking to Ernie.
376
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,834
One of Lol's brothers.
The next one up, I think.
377
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:48,990
He brought this note for you.
378
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,674
I've never met him.
379
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,478
It's addressed to Miss X.
380
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,915
Just as well
he didn't slip it under the door.
381
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,956
Might have fallen into the wrong hands.
382
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:04,593
"Dear Miss,
Please do... take this amiss, miss,
383
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,671
"but the pleasure of your company
384
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:10,833
"would be greatly esteemed
at the Stag And Huntsman this evening.
385
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,798
"Assuring you of
our best intentions at all times,
386
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,953
"your obedient servant...
sorry, servants,
387
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:22,591
"Lol, Tom, Ernie, Harry,
Willie, Jack, and Dennis Ferris."
388
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,636
How quaintly phrased.
389
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,712
I've just been invited out
by all seven Ferris brothers.
390
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:32,078
- Very flattering.
- Well, I suppose so. But seven?!
391
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,913
I've never been asked out
by seven blokes before.
392
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,151
- And you probably won't be again.
- That's true.
393
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,516
It says, VSOP at the bottom.
394
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,909
I assume that means RSVP.
395
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,309
Well-intentioned. A phone call will do.
396
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,516
I won't have to phone all seven, will I?
397
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:52,114
Just Lol. Oh, one word of warning.
398
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:56,637
The drink tends to flow rather freely
at the Stag And Huntsman.
399
00:20:56,720 --> 00:21:00,269
I suggest a large helping
of mashed potato before you go.
400
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:06,676
Compliments of the Ferris boys.
401
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,955
- Oh, no!
- We'll never get through all this.
402
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:10,996
They won't take no for an answer.
403
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,150
We'll be legless by closing time.
404
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:17,074
Oh, don't worry about that. Big Tom
always brings his tractor and his trailer.
405
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,754
- He'll drop you off.
- I shall look forward that.
406
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:21,592
Toast time again.
407
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:25,036
- Cheers, lads!
- (Madge) Cheers, boys! Thank you!
408
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:28,112
- Is Sandy all right over there?
- She looks happy enough.
409
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,760
- They won't get out of hand, will they?
- I hope not.
410
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:34,071
Oh, of course not.
They may look a bit rough
411
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:37,277
but they're some of nature's
gentlemen, the Ferris boys.
412
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:40,955
- Was their mother a big woman?
- No, no, a tiny little thing.
413
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,749
But still quite capable of giving them
a good clip round the ear.
414
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:47,354
May we get the conversation back
to where it was?
415
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:50,079
Yes, of course, my boy.
Why? Where was it?
416
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,277
I asked you and Madge
about this conference centre idea.
417
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:54,793
Yes, and I said, "Rock on!"
418
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,713
- Then you talked about something else.
- Gherkins.
419
00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:00,598
Well,
they're jolly interesting things, gherkins.
420
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,877
Lionel's worried
you didn't take the matter very seriously.
421
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,713
- No need.
- The house is yours now.
422
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:09,917
You don't have to ask us
every time you want to hang a picture.
423
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,150
This is bigger than hanging a picture.
424
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,470
- It's a major decision.
- Which you made.
425
00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:16,596
Well, as good as.
426
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,035
Well, let's get on
with enjoying ourselves.
427
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,953
- Fair enough.
- We never asked how the time trial went.
428
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,793
- Oh...
- Something of a disaster, I'm afraid.
429
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,952
We came 45th out of 45.
430
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,555
That's not a disaster.
You're only slightly above average age.
431
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:35,474
Yes, we were but we did expect
to finish at least two places higher.
432
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,677
It would have been more
if it hadn't been for the hedgehog.
433
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:42,514
- Oh, you didn't run over a hedgehog?
- No, we swerved to avoid it.
434
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:47,628
But this caused Rocky to break wind
and I got a fit of the giggles
435
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,029
and we lost valuable time.
436
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,474
Perhaps we should get a tandem.
437
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,278
- What?
- Are you with us?
438
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:58,511
Yes, but I shan't be much longer
if people go on buying us drinks.
439
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:02,149
All health, from
Bill and Molly Kindred at the garage.
440
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,118
- Oh, thank you very much!
- Thank you!
441
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,874
We've never even bought
any petrol there.
442
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,632
Ah, that's no matter at all.
443
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,029
It's a question
of finding room on the table.
444
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:15,917
Thanks very much.
445
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,116
Er, ladies and gentlemen.
446
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:24,556
I know that tonight
is not the official singing night
447
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,757
but I'm sure we'd all be delighted
if our guest of honour
448
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,990
would favour us with a song.
449
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,240
He means you. He means you.
450
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,431
- I don't sing!
- Yes, of course you do!
451
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,192
You sing in the bath.
452
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:47,158
You had a very clear soprano
when you were a boy.
453
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:49,834
Well, I'm not a boy now.
No, I'm sorry. I don't sing.
454
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,718
- Oh, come on.
- No, no, really. I'm very sorry...
455
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:55,473
Just hold on, now!
456
00:23:55,560 --> 00:24:00,395
If the owner of a Victoria Cross
don't want to sing, then he don't sing.
457
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,471
(Crowd murmurs)
458
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:09,357
What about Madge? Come on, Madge!
459
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:11,078
- Come on.
- Come on.
460
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:14,152
No, no. I've got a tickle in my throat.
461
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:16,196
She always says that.
462
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,953
- (Cheering)
- (# Piano playing)
463
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:22,836
Just one song, then.
464
00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:27,669
I'll tell you what,
let's do Tie A Yellow Ribbon.
465
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:32,268
♪ Tie a yellow ribbon
round the old oak tree
466
00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:34,555
♪ It's been three long years
467
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,710
♪ Do you still want me?
468
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:40,759
♪ If I don't see a ribbon
round the old oak tree
469
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:45,152
♪ I'll stay on the bus, forget about us,
put the blame on me
470
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:49,677
♪ If I don't see a yellow ribbon
round the old oak tree ♪
471
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:52,115
(Cheering)
472
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:55,796
(Madge singing in background)
473
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:00,196
How long has she been going on now?
474
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:01,838
Half an hour so far.
475
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,992
- You didn't have to wait for me.
- I did, actually. I don't...
476
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,469
- Good evening, Mr Wells.
- Hello, Mr Wells.
477
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:11,439
- Thanks again for that cider.
- Have you tried it yet?
478
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:14,637
- We haven't had a chance.
- Go careful when you do.
479
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:16,472
(Singing continues)
480
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:18,198
- Madge?
- At full blast.
481
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:20,032
I mustn't miss that.
482
00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:23,237
Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you.
483
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:26,232
I know there's been
a lot of gossip in the village.
484
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:33,112
I know things get blown up, but when
you had that set-to with the posh folk,
485
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:35,634
did you really throw
six of them over the hedge?
486
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:38,632
Mr Wells,
I give you my word that I did not.
487
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,392
- Ohhh...
- It was only two.
488
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:43,358
Oh, that's still not bad, now, is it?
489
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:46,716
- I'll see you later.
- Yes. Why'd you tell him that?
490
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:50,031
As a holder of the Victoria Cross,
you have a reputation.
491
00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:53,032
By this time, I'm quite surprised
I was only awarded one.
492
00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:57,716
- I noticed you didn't deny it in there.
- Would you contradict the Ferris boys?
493
00:25:57,800 --> 00:25:58,949
Fair enough.
494
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,838
- Why did you have to wait for me?
- Fond as I am of Madge,
495
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:05,469
I don't think I could stand
one more country-and-western song.
496
00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:07,516
(Applause)
497
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:18,597
I've been thinking about
this conference centre business.
498
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,671
You've gone off the idea, haven't you?
499
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:22,512
- Yes.
- I'm glad.
500
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,352
Are you? Why?
501
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,954
Tell me why you've gone off it.
502
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:30,430
Well... they treat you
rather nice down here.
503
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:33,318
The drinking's a bit fierce,
but they're good people.
504
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:35,470
What would we get
at a conference centre?
505
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,552
A lot of turbo-charged high-flyers.
506
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,676
They wouldn't fit in a place like this.
507
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:45,788
They'd get bored and want change.
I don't think this place needs it.
508
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:49,953
Lol said it this morning.
"Look around," he said.
509
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,076
"There's not much wrong with it."
510
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:54,116
I knew you'd remember that.
511
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:55,758
How?
512
00:26:55,840 --> 00:27:00,630
Because by the time Madge got on to her
fourth song, I was remembering it too.
513
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:06,229
- You didn't mind coming out here?
- No, I was rather excited by it.
514
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:09,869
It's ages since a boy asked me
to step outside for some fresh air.
515
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:11,916
- Boy?
- Chap, then.
516
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,549
- Who was the boy ages ago?
- You.
517
00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:18,358
Oh.
518
00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,510
At a staff dance at the hospital.
519
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:24,957
I think there were more couples out
in the fresh air than on the dance floor.
520
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:31,634
Shall we... step outside
for a breath of fresh air?
521
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:33,915
We have.
522
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,150
I know.
523
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,634
♪ You must remember this
524
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,314
♪ A kiss is still a kiss
525
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:54,756
♪ A sigh is just a sigh
526
00:27:56,720 --> 00:28:00,235
♪ The fundamental things apply
527
00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:04,074
♪ As time goes by
528
00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:10,273
♪ And when two lovers woo
529
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:12,920
♪ They still say I love you
530
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:15,878
♪ On that you can rely
531
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:22,957
♪ The world will always welcome lovers
532
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:31,391
♪ As time goes by ♪
533
00:28:31,441 --> 00:28:35,991
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