All language subtitles for RuPauls Drag Race - All Stars - s07e10

♪ MTV

RuPaul: Previously
onAll Stars...

For this week's maxi-challenge,
you need to create

your own signature
social media dance challenge.

I would love another star!

I want another star.

Bitch, shut up with
your two-star-having ass.

Well, I would be the next
to be blocked, wouldn't I be?

Because I've never been.

I'd like to think I am.

I wanna know what's going on
when you get that plunger,

because those bitches
know something.

♪ And your sister
on the corner ♪

♪ Sister on the corner
selling ♪

♪ P-nah, p-nah, p-nah, p-nah

♪ P-nah, p-nah,
p-nah, p-p-p-p-p ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money

♪ Money, money, money, money

♪ Money, money, money, money

Jinkx Monsoon.

Everything you did
was funnier than the next.

Monét X Change.

I think it's a really viral,
marketable idea

to have a dance online
when people get paid.

The top two All Stars
of the week

are Jinkx Monsoon
and Monét X Change.

[applause]

You've both earned
a legendary Legend Star.

This is your chance
to win $10,000

and block
one of your fellow queens.

Monét X Change,
con-drag-ulations.

[applause]

With great power
comes great responsibility.

Shwah, shwah, shwah.

Oh, no!

No more cocktails?

[laughs]

-Whoo!
-Whoo!

Oh, Monét.

My water broke.

Whoo, I got a star.

Thank you, Lord!

Oh, I have finally joined
the multiple star club.

I'm not gonna say two-star club

because I'm not gonna
diminish my successes.

Oh, my God, congratulations!

[cheers and applause]

Girl, finally.

I'm gonna be the bitch out here
with the most stars.

I'm not playing.

Everybody gonna be
like, oh, damn,

Monét was just waiting
for the end.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's what I was doing,

I was waiting till the end
to really get crazy.

Thank you guys.

It was really great

to be in the top this week
and get a star,

and, bitch,
that $10,000, though.

Bitch, you had slayed
the lip sync.

I will say
congratulations, girls,

the first ever
spoken word lip sync.

Tea, yeah.

-Yes.
-Yes.

I hope there's more of them.

I wanted to do that so bad.

Really, Trin?

You don't look like you're
dressed for it at all.

I mean...
[all laugh]

[laughs]

What do you all think
Raja's going to say

when she finds out
there is no secret

to this motherfucking plunger?

[all laugh]

We have all kept
that secret so well.

I have not told her at all.

-She's gonna be so pissed.
-She's gonna be so mad.

-Oh.
-[laughs]

She said, I am not fucking
with you children.

I ain't fucking with you!

I am a scorned woman.

[sighs] I've been
humiliated in public.

[all laugh]

Oh, my God, y'all,
she's pissed.

Shame on them.

Shame on all of them.

Cunts.

[all laugh]

Y'all fucking lied to me!

There was nothing!

This entire time
and a complete belief

that there was some sort
of Illuminati, like, secret.

I'm so mad at you guys.

[all laugh]

Shea started it.

Shea did start it.

Who, me?

And I'm the last to find out,
and I'm, like, so gagged.

This is my reaction.

There are two people
with three stars:

Jaida and Jinkx, and Jinkx
has won four fucking challenges.

But who's really counting?

[all laugh]

Also, there's, like,
only two more challenges

until the Lalaparuza.

Oh! Me and my singular star.

It's lonely here at the bottom.

Ugh.

Well, by the looks of it,

-Jaida and Jinkx...
-For sure.

-...are in the top four.
-The top four.

And everybody else
besides me has two.

Yeah,
two the fuck weeks left.

It all comes down
to these last two weeks

to secure a spot in the finale.

Like, that's wild.

If anyone could win
two weeks in a row

and make it
at the very last minute,

my money is on Shea Couleé.

And that doesn't mean you
couldn't win another one, and--

Oh, so now you're just handing
out compliments to everybody.

I just--I don't even know
what to say,

besides I got some work to do.

There's only, like,
a few weeks left.

Okay, so then how would you feel

if I fucking snatched
your wig right now, bitch?

Snatch my wig.
Wait, carefully, though.

I mean, what is a girl gotta do

to get a legendary Legend Star
up in this place?

Because whatever that is,
I'll do it.

-You better run.
-No!

No, no, no, no!

Not my fantasy!

Can the next challenge
be a hot dog eating contest?

Good God, chaos.

♪ RuPaul's Drag Race

RuPaul: The winner of
RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars

receives a one-year supply

of Anastasia Beverly Hills
cosmetics,

a cash prize of $200,000,

and will be crowned
queen of all queens.

With extra-special guest judge
Ronan Farrow.

♪ RuPaul's Drag Race

♪ May the best drag queen win

♪ Best drag queen win

Morning, ladies.

Girl, it's a new day
in the werkroom.

What is happening next?

I don't know what she's
gonna try to have us do.

Arm wrestle? Jell-O wrestle?

Whatever it is,
I have to be the best.

Good gay God, please
let me get to the top four.

Girl!

I just hope whatever is next
I can do.

So it shouldn't be a walking
and chewing gum challenge.

[all laugh]

[alarm]

RuPaul: Ooh, girl.

She done already
done had herses.

Hello, listeners.

Hey!

Today's episode is--

Breaking news: The Kennedy
Davenport Center Honors

are about to announce
this year's inductees

in their prestigious
Hall of Shade.

We'll have more
as this story develops.

Now back to your regularly
scheduled programming.

♪ Ooh-ooh

Shut up.

And be sure to use
promo code "back rolls."

What?
[all laugh]

The Kennedy Davenport
Center Honors. [laughs]

Back rolls?!

Hello, hello, hello!

-Hi!
-Hey!

-Nice shoes.
-That is such a cute look.

-Ladykins.
-Hi.

Multiple con-drag-ulations
are in order.

It's official. Each of you
has been chosen to be inducted

into the Kennedy Davenport
Center Honors Hall of Shade.

[all laugh]

And I couldn't be prouder.

Now, the ceremony
will take place

tomorrow night
on the main stage,

where you'll take turns
roasting each other to a crisp.

[all laugh]

Yes. My fave.

Oh, my God.

AllStars7.

Now, later today
you'll get a chance

to workshop your roast material
with Ross Mathews

and stand-up comedian
Solomon Georgio.

Oh, my God!

Tomorrow we'll be joined by
our extra-special guest judge,

a Pulitzer prize-winning
journalist,

who's not afraid of a hot topic.

Ronan Farrow will be here.

-Wow!
-Werk!

Dang!

Oh, my God.

We have to tell jokes
in front of Ronan Farrow?

[all laugh]

Now, to decide the performing
order for the roast,

you'll be putting your trust
and your thrust

in the hands of the drag gods.

♪ Oh, Pit Crew

Oh!
[applause]

-Oh!
-[laughs]

Oh, my goodness.

Are those Snag Tights? Wow.

Oh, my goodness.

Snag Tights
never looked so good.

Okay, here's how it works.

You pick a balloon,
place it between your body

and the backside
of a Pit Crew member,

and then
pop it like it's hot.

[all laugh]

Okay.

Now, the color of the confetti
inside each balloon

corresponds to a number

on the Kennedy Davenport
Center seal

and will determine
your place in the lineup.

Are you all ready
to pound some asses?

-Yeah!
-Yes!

All right, now, we're
gonna go left to right,

starting with
Jaida Essence Hall.

Come on over here.
Pick a balloon.

-Yes, girl.
-Yes.

-Who you gonna pick?
-[laughs]

Yay! This is the tea
about the world of topping.

You should be able
to enjoy yourself,

but you have to be a pleaser.

Assume the position.

Okay. And that's
exactly what I do.

Whatever you want from behind

is what you're
gonna get, baby.

Yeah.

Whoo!
[cheering]

[all laugh]

Damn.

Jaida,
you ain't playin', is you?

But sometimes a quickie
is all you need,

and that's apparently
what I needed today.

Now, Jaida, you got
purple confetti,

so you will appear
as seventh in the roast.

Yay!
[applause]

Are you ready, Trinity?

-I'm ready.
-Okay.

[laughter and applause]

So you popped green.

That means you will be
the fifth queen to roast.

Up next, it's Jinkx Monsoon.

Could I actually ask you
to turn around?

Is that allowed?

No, we're only going
from behind.

-Okay.
-I know.

This is so new for me.

It's a family show.
[all laugh]

Whoo! Oh, my God.

Oh, wow.

I really wish the Pit Crew

were the ones
doing the thrusting.

Aah!

-Oh, my gosh.
-I think it's obvious

what position I normally play
in the outfield.

[laughs]

Now, Jinkx,
you've gotta want it.

Girl, go harder!

Also, I'm a married woman.
How dare you!

Aah!

Are you all right?

It's just shockwaves
through my body.

Now, Jinkx, you popped yellow,

which makes you the fourth queen
to roast there.

[applause]

Monét X Change is next.

Ooh, right there.

Oh!

I got a little in my mouth.

You got some in your mouth?

So, now, you are blue,
which makes you sixth.

Yvie Oddly, now, you don't have
any keys in your pocket, do you?

That's not keys, Ru.

That's not keys.
[all laugh]

Oh! Oh, my God.

It's a girl!

You got the pink.
You're the second to roast.

-Shea Couleé.
-Sorry if my hands are cold.

Oh, you're being so delicate.

-Oh!
-Aah!

You busted it orange-style.

You are the third queen
to roast.

Yes.

The only positions left
are first and last.

All right, Raja, come on down.

Oh!
[all laugh]

[all laugh]

Listen, I haven't seen
a naked man

or thrust myself into one
in weeks and weeks and weeks,

so, you know, why not
just let your hair down

and hope I don't get first.

-Aah!
-Oh, wow.

-It's red!
-Oh, man!

[laughter and applause]

Raja! Raja! Raja!

Raja! Raja!

Wow, you popped it,

and you are the first one
in the roast.

Do I still get
to pop my balloon?

Well, Vivienne, we already know
what position you'll be in,

but I think we owe it to you
to pop it like it's hot.

-Yeah!
-Just to make sure.

Spread your legs a little more.

A little wider.
[all laugh]

Oh!

It's gold!

That's right, Vivienne,
you will be closing the roast.

Ladies, give the fellas
a big round of applause.

[applause]
Y'all are so amazing.

Monét is so bald...

How bald is she?

She doesn't have any hair.

-[laughs]
-Zinger!

This week's maxi-challenge

is the Kennedy Davenport Center
Honors Hall of Shade roast.

And roasting is something I do.

It's in my wheelhouse.

Is there anything off limits
for anyone?

Like, go ham.

You make fun of plastic surgery,
where I come from, all of it.

Noted. [laughs]

Three stars,
four wins under my belt,

and now we are headed
into Monsoon territory.

[laughs]

I'm feeling pretty damn good.

I think you're kind of
the hardest one

for me to write for because--

I've corrected all
the typical English jokes.

I got my teeth fixed,
I got my hair fixed.

I know.

Gotcha, girl!

Every challenge, Raja pulls out
a dictionary and a thesaurus.

The dance challenge,

she was like,

what's a synonym for happy?

[laughs]

Do you use the word "vag"
in America?

Mm-hmm.

[laughs]

These lovely questions.

I do consider myself
a comedy queen,

but my humor is very British,

which doesn't always translate
to America,

and, you know, there's
some funny bitches here.

I feel like I've definitely
got my work cut out for me.

I've just got a good
Vivienne addict joke, so...

Do it. I wanna laugh
that hard I relapse.

Oh, no! [laughs]

[laughs]

How you doing?

I'm struggling.

Don't say it.

We're getting
towards the end here.

Yeah.

I'm losing opportunities

to still be in the running
to be in the final four,

so the pressure
is definitely on.

But I'm trying to not let it,
like, get to me,

so that I could still have fun.

But I'm also, like,
oh, my gosh,

it's, like, make it
or break it time.

So I just gotta really,
you know, go in.

I've never done a roast
in my life.

Me neither.

So I have no idea.

Wait, is this funny?

Trinity is my pageant sis
from the South.

Oh, she's listening.
Okay, wait.

See, I don't care.
Okay, sis.

Trinity is my pageant sis
from the South.

In fact, her accent
is so Southern

that it sounds like hot grits
and pork chops.

Is that funny? [laughs]

That's not funny?

Girl.

Well...

I'm not that funny
standing up on the stage.

I'm just funny sitting down
talking shit.

I'm really excited
for this challenge, actually.

I didn't get to do a roast.

Oh, you've never done one?

Or any sort of, like,
stand-up on my season.

We'll see if you feel
really excited afterwards.

I mean, I also feel set up

really well
by the universe, though.

I'm like, I just have to vibe

off of the energy
that Raja puts down.

Oh, you've got a great position.

Monét, you got a even better
position after me.

I feel good about this roast.

[all laugh]

I did well
in the All Stars 4one.

-You won. Yeah.
-Yeah, I won that one.

Look at that big,
bloated bitch in that box.

Or as they know her down
at the clinic, patient zero.

[all laugh]

This is literally my kryptonite.

The last two were a disaster.

Girl, we already know, bitch,

I am not good
at a fucking roast.

Michelle, you have this
pungent look on your face,

kind of like you gotta shit.

[scattered laughter]

Bunny does have
that special kind of face.

Doctors use a picture of her
to solve Viagra users--

to solve Viagra users

with erections lasting
longer than four hours.

Trinity, you're funny,

and you can tell jokes.

It's not about being--

It's hitting punchlines
and timing

is different than
being off the cuff funny.

This, to me, is the hardest
challenge to do.

Trinity, like, the more you tell
yourself "I'm not good at this,"

the less good
you're gonna be at it,

because you're building it up
in your mind

that you couldn't possibly
do well at this.

Bitch, I am after you.

You really built me up
and came through for me

when we were doing
the first design challenge,

so please lean on me,

and if you need
to run anything by me,

I'd love to repay the favor.

Well, being
this close to you

and seeing all of your pores,
I'm very inspired.

She's started already,
everybody.

-[laughs]
-I'm very inspired.

These three, these are
my trouble pores right here.

-Well, I have a prediction.
-What?

Jinkx and Monét
are gonna win again.

Could you imagine?
There's no way Jinkx and I

could be in the top
two weeks in a row together.

Oh, yes, yes, yes,
predicted, Trinity.

See, remember,
prediction Trinity

always makes sure
that it's not who it is.

[all laugh]

[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]

[RuPaul laughs]

Hi!

Hi!

It's time to rehearse my roast

with Ross Mathews
and Solomon Georgio.

Solomon is a really
great comedian.

I love his Twitter.

And he has some really sharp
and biting humor,

so I feel like
he is the perfect person

to get advice from
on how to roast.

It's so good to see you.

Likewise.
You look like Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho.

What'd you call me?

-He called me the ho.
-Oh, okay.

[all laugh]

Hey, Solomon, how are you?

I'm very good.
How are you, Jaida?

I'm pretty good. You look good
today, too, by the way.

Yeah, well, you look great, too.
I love that suit.

Thank you!

Are you ready to roast?

We're gonna find out.

[all laugh]

I have a very specific mantra
I always tell myself.

Take your time,
be in the moment,

enunciate, radiate.

I'm gay.

[all laugh]

I don't have anything,
like, connected yet.

I just wrote down
a bunch of just random stuff.

Great.

I go right after Trinity,

and she's probably gonna be
pretty terrible.

[both laugh]

I'm excited to bounce
some of these jokes off of them

to see what they think.

Because if I get no laughs,
girl, start over.

But I'm hoping
that's not the case,

because I don't have the time
or the Ritalin to do it.

I have some for Jinkx

that talk about,
like, her glow-up,

and Ru has been complimenting
her makeup a lot,

which has been shocking to
the rest of us in the werkroom.

You could say "Shocking to us
in the werkroom

or anyone else with eyes."

[laughs] Ooh!

Even some Black people
are surprised.

[both laugh]

Jinkx is so ugly she tried
to Photoshop a picture,

and the app said,
"Nice try, bitch."

[both laugh]

Trinity's accent is so Southern

that even Jim Crow
would fuck it.

[both laugh]

Jaida's so endearing.

I'm just so glad

that I got to spend
the 25 cents a day

to keep her alive.

Oh.
[both laugh]

My stand-up,
it can be very vicious,

but also quite sweet,
you know?

I like to slap 'em hard
and then rub it out.

This morning
I rolled a big fattie.

That's how we get Jinkx
into the building.

[both laugh]

And then RuPaul.
Hi. Thanks, RuPaul, for coming.

I know you haven't in a while.

[both laugh]

Jaida talks about
eating her ass

like it's a two-for-one deal
at the Sizzler.

All you can eat butt-fey?

Butt-fey. That's what
I've been missing.

My goal is to never write
an unfunny joke.

Okay, so I feel like
I'm doing this wrong now.

I have to start all over.

Jinkx Monsoon once said
that trauma lives in the body.

And for Yvie,
it also lives in her drag.

I like the idea of you
being, like, sweet as pie,

but saying these cruel things.

Just give 'em that
good Shea Couleé smile,

and I believe
they'll eat it up.

Okay, great, because I paid
a lot of money for it.

[both laugh]

I think that I am funny,
like, off the cuff.

-Yes.
-The thing with this is, though,

is, like, you have
to hit a punchline.

You can live in both worlds.

The jokes that
you have written down,

and then the stuff
you can say in the moment.

I am a little scared.

There's a lot riding
on this for me.

I need to redeem myself

for all those horrible jokes
I told before.

It's either make it
or break it time.

I cannot wait
to see what you do.

Thank you, Ross.

You know, and to quote--

I forgot who said it,
but, um...

Don't fuck it up.

[laughs]

-Jesus.
-[laughs]

Pew, pew, pew!

Jinkx, would you say I kilt it?

-You kilt it.
-[laughs]

Today is the day
of the Hall of Shade roast,

and I am ready to get roasted.

I just don't think these girls

are gonna have
anything funny to say.

-Aah!
-Ooh!

Oh.

[both laugh]

They can't
call me ugly anymore.

I've had way too much
plastic surgery for that.

I got the legal limit of Botox

you're allowed
to put in your forehead,

and look how it works for me.

[laughs]

I literally can't wait to hear

what shady, mean jokes
people say about me.

I love it.

-I fucking love it.
-Right.

I mean, I would love

to hopefully be in the top
again this week, but who knows?

I mean, girl, top, shmop.

Who's really...

I feel like right now
it's trending to just not.

[laughs]

I am really nervous,

because if I don't win
this challenge tonight,

I just don't see
a clear path to the finale.

Damn.

I'm just gonna go out there,
I'm gonna have fun.

And la-augh.

La-augh, ho.

You know?

So I'm hoping that I can
deliver a sickening roast.

Who's hungry? [chuckles]

Oh, I love those.

-Yeah?
-I do love those.

Yeah, this is gorgeous.

-It is beautiful.
-Thank you, thank you.

You know, can I show you--

Do you think you have any
jewelry to match this black?

I have black. I actually
do have some earrings.

-Do you need earrings?
-Earrings would be cute.

You know, I have to check in
with my twinner

to strategize,
realize, analyze,

all these things-ize.

I don't know.

-It's so hard.
-Girl.

I don't know.

[whispering]

-Peas and carrots.
-[laughs]

Oh, Monét's whispering again.
[laughs]

I think they think
they're being sly about it.

The trouble is, Monét's a bass,

so when Monét's talking low,
it's even easier to tell,

'cause I feel the rumbling
coming up through my feet.

You think you're being
really sneaky,

-but everyone hears brrrr.
-[laughs]

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[mumbling with deep voice]

-Oh, my God, I do. Damn.
-[laughs]

So, Raja, we're both
at two stars.

Ooh!

Yeah.

-Cool!
-Cool!

[laughs]

Right now, the people
who have the most stars

are only one more than us.

Yeah, which means that, like,

it's a chance to jump
right back up to first place.

But I'm blocked!

I know, but if you win,
you might not get the star,

but you're also robbing
everybody else

who could have gotten
that spot of a star.

Ooh, I love these words.

Whoever gets blocked tonight,
that's it.

We have one more challenge
after this.

Oh, my God.

So wherever
gets blocked tonight--

Well, you and Jaida are fine.

If y'all are blocked,
y'all are fine.

Not if, like, over
the next two challenges

four other people
get to three stars,

and then there's six of us
with three stars.

What would the tie breaker be?

After tonight, there's one more
challenge on the horizon.

So whoever gets blocked tonight,

that could be
the determining factor

in making it to the finale.

It would be so much fun
to do the finale together.

Oh, it would.

It would just hurt to--

I have to beat my best friend
in this competition.

-Ooh!
-[laughs]

Oh, come on.

Oh, in the book of shade,

that was a two
on the Richter scale.

[RuPaul laughs]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

♪ Cover girl

And what?

Welcome to the main stage

of RuPaul's Drag Race
All Stars, All Winners.

She's an American institution.

Michelle Visage.

Oh, yes, I'm right up there
with the Franklin Mint,

as in "Franklin,
your ass is mint."

[all laugh]

America's brunch laureate,
the hilarious Ross Mathews.

What's the most delicious thing
you've ever had at a brunch?

I can't remember his name.

[all laugh]

Fearless author and journalist,

let's give a big Drag Race
welcome to Ronan Farrow.

It is an honor to be here.
You know what a fan I am.

I have literally lobbied you
at the grocery store.

I have interrupted you
in your personal life

to say, "Let me on!"
[all laugh]

I'm so glad you could
finally make it.

This week,
we challenged our All Stars

to honor each other
in the Hall of Shade roast.

And tonight on the runway,
category is All Glowed Up.

Racers, start your engines,

and may the best Legend win.

Please welcome to the stage

the president of the Kennedy
Davenport Center Honors,

Wintergreen.

[applause]

What?

Oh, my.

Shut up!

[all laugh]

Ah, Wintergreen is here!

Oh, my God!

Not only is she
the fierce drag daughter

of Season 9's Peppermint,

but also one of the camera guys
known as Sarge.

Peppermint and Wintergreen,
gorgeous.

I know.

[all laugh]

Yes, Wintergreen!

[cheers and applause]

Good evening, and thank you.

Please bow your heads
as I share these words of wisdom

from Kennedy Davenport herself.

After a long night
of hookin'...

[all laugh]

Trade didn't like the session,

so he had gutted me
and set me on fire.

But, you know, I didn't die.

-No.
-No.

I had crystallized.

-Oh!
-Yes!

And now I'm a Glamazon bitch
ready for the runway.

Can I get an "amen?"

-Amen!
-Amen!

And now it's time for
television's proudest moment.

Please welcome
our first honoree, Raja.

[cheers and applause]

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Raja, an honoree

of the Kennedy Davenport Center
Honors Hall of Shade.

[chuckles]

I've made it.
I've really, really made it.

Ru and I, you know,
we go way back.

The first time I met Ru,
I asked her for an autograph.

That handprint still remains
on that cave wall today.

[all laugh]

Oh, hey, Monét.

I heard Monét
lives in Hollywood now,

but her hairline
lives in Reseda.

[all laugh]

I Ubered here today,

and my driver
was an over-sharing alcoholic

with rancid BO.

That motherfucker still had
more stars than Shea Couleé.

[all laugh]

The Vivienne has joined us
from Liverpool,

which is ironic,

'cause her liver is drowned
in a pool of booze.

[all laugh]

Viv has done so much ketamine,

people are betting on her
at the Kentucky Derby.

[all laugh]

Before I exit, a few words

about our next esteemed
speaker, Yvie Oddly.

You know, Yvie's got such
amazing, quirky, eclectic style,

and by "style," I mean
she has a massive donkey dick.

Please welcome to the stage
Yvie Oddly!

[laughter and applause]

Thank you, Raja,
for that inspiring glimpse

into what my future holds

if I just keep saying
"yes" to drugs.

[all laugh]

You know, Monét,
you look so stunning.

You really are my favorite
winner of All Stars 4.

[all laugh]

Oh, you bitch!
You shady bitch!

Trinity the Tuck
is here tonight.

[applause]

Trin is known by so many
as a pageant queen, a performer.

But to me, Trin will always
just be a prostitute.

[all laugh]

I actually do have
so much respect for Trin.

I'm not even gonna joke about
her surgical enhancements

because honestly, even Jinkx has
had some plastic surgery done.

I'll give you time
to look for it.

[all laugh]

No, really,
she got her hairline done,

which means that
she thought to herself,

yeah, that's the problem.

[all laugh]

The next speaker tonight,

she puts the "star"
in "one-star."

Shea Couleé.

[laughter and applause]

Thank you so much, Yvie.

I can't think of enough words
to describe you.

Well, nice ones, anyway.

[all laugh]

Jaida Essence Hall is here.

I love that skinny little bitch.

Jaida Essence Hall
is such a skinny little bitch

that she wears earring backs
as bracelets.

[all laugh]

Jaida Essence Hall
is such a skinny little bitch

that she uses a tampon
as a flotation device.

[all laugh]

Jaida Essence Hall
is such a skinny little bitch

that when she stands
in front of a funhouse mirror,

she looks like Monét X Change.

[all laugh]

Monét X Change.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I don't want to objectify you,

but truly, your ass
does give new meaning

to the term
"dark side of the moon."

[all laugh]

Trinity the Tuck.

I'm not going to stand here
like all these other girls

calling you a slut.

You're also dumb.

[all laugh]

And as I wrap up,

I realize that I've actually
forgotten about Raja,

which I'm sure most of you
already have as well.

Hide your sons
and hide your keys.

It's Jinkx Monsoon.

[applause]

I am so honored
to be honored here tonight

at this imaginary event.

[all laugh]

First of all, RuPaul,

the Rosetta Stone of drag,

you are such a kinky bitch.

You've been edging Shangela
for, like, 11 years now,

and we all just sat and watched,
so I guess we're complicit.

And then Ross Mathews,
you look great.

I'll have whatever intestinal
parasite she's having.

[all laugh]

And Yvie Oddly.

Now, Yvie Oddly has been
objectified a lot this season,

and I don't want
to contribute to that.

Anyway, here's some dick jokes.

[all laugh]

Yvie Oddly's dick is so big,
when she tucks,

she has to tape it
between her shoulder blades.

Yvie Oddly's dick is so big,
it has its own heartbeat.

Yvie Oddly's dick is so big,

when I was doing a line of coke
off of it,

I had time to stop and reflect

and realized
I'd become my mother.

[all laugh]

Then there's Trinity.

Trinity, my goodness, so kind
and compassionate and caring.

She even let her last boyfriend
down easy.

She said,
"Let's just be cousins."

[all laugh]

Now, before Trinity
comes up here

and gives it her best shot,

just remember,

she was raised by snake handlers
in Appalachia.

Thank you!

[laughter and applause]

[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]

[RuPaul laughs]

Welcome back to the Kennedy
Davenport Center Honors.

[applause]

Well, hi, I'm Trinity the Tuck.

I'm super excited to be here

at the John F. Kennedy Davenport
Center of Disease Control.

[all laugh]

The first queen I would like
to celebrate tonight

is Jinkx Monsoon.

Jinkx was such an ugly baby,

her birth certificate
came with an apology letter

from a condom factory.

[all laugh]

But have you seen her husband?

He's actually really cute.

He actually
likes to dress her up

like a piñata before sex,

because he likes to be blindfold
before he hits it.

[all laugh]

Speaking of
the beautifully challenged,

Yvie, all joking aside,
I just wanna let you know,

don't let anyone ever tell you
you're not pretty.

You're not,
but don't let them tell you.

[all laugh]

When I think of pretty people,
Monét comes to mind.

She's also a classically
trained musician.

She plays a great second fiddle
to Bob the Drag Queen.

[all laugh]

Comedy runs in Monét's family.

Her mother delivered
at least one joke.

[all laugh]

Oh!

Oh, my goodness.

You know, I tried
to look up Raja,

but Wikipedia
doesn't go back that far.

[all laugh]

She's statuesque,
a tall drink of water,

if that water was from
Flint, Michigan.

[all laugh]

Our next speaker is the reason
I'm only half a winner.

I wish her mother
would have swallowed.

Give it up for Monét X Change!

[laughter and applause]

Oh.

Oh, my God,
this is unprecedented.

Trinity the Tuck has garnered
laughter and applause

at a Drag Raceroast.

My God, I never thought
I would see the day.

You know, truthfully, I don't
really know Jinkx that well.

I've only ever seen her
at her one-person show. Wait.

Sorry. There was one person
at Jinkx's show.

Yeah, that was it.

And interestingly enough,
at Jinkx's show,

that's when I discovered
I was narcoleptic.

[all laugh]

Viv, it's been
an absolute pleasure

watching you grow as a person
throughout this competition.

You're living proof
that it gets butter.

[all laugh]

And eggs

and sugar

and flour,

and it makes a sheet cake,

and it eats
the sheet cake alone,

and then it gets better.

[all laugh]

Thinner than you, bitch.

[all laugh]

And now I wanna talk to a true
artifact of drag, Miss Raja.

Every single day,

we hear Raja going off
about her sauvignon blanc.

Clap once if you need help.

[laughs]

Yeah, I'm talking
to your liver.

[all laugh]

Jaida, Jaida, Jaida,

the Essence of beauty,
and the teeth of a baby.

Jaida--

[laughs]

Bitch!

Shea Couleé. You know,
Shea is everywhere.

She's in magazines,
she was on The Bachelorette,

she's been in so many movie,
you know, it's fierce.

[all laugh]

Next up is a queen who's gonna
come here and cool things down.

She is the messence of beauty.

Make some noise
for Jaida Essence Hall.

[laughter and applause]

"The messence of beauty!"

You got something comin', bitch.

[all laugh]

Thanks, Monét, for
that lovely introduction.

Now, twinners Trinity and Monét

have the biggest asses of any
winners of RuPaul's Drag Race.

The only difference is Trinity
has a fake ass, bitch,

and Monét
is just a fake-ass bitch.

[all laugh]

Jinkx Monsoon!

Happy shark week!

[all laugh]

The only thing sharper
than Jinkx's pearly--

than Jinkx's wits
are her pearly whites...

and yellows and beiges
and grays.

[all laugh]

-Yvie.
-Oh, shit.

If you lay down with her

and have a go with that beast
that she's mes-mes--

aah, I'm sorry.

If you lay down with her

with that beast
that she's hiding as a--

that's she's passing off
as a penis,

there's sure to be a mess,

which is pretty much
what's happening right now

for this motherfucking roast
right now.

[all laugh]

So that's okay.

It's all right.

And the joke after that
was that she's a hot mess,

but, baby, it won't land
right now at this moment.

[all laugh]

This leads us

right into our next
very special guest, The Viv.

The last time she had
plastic surgery done,

the doctor asked her
for her nose job.

Would she like it to stay cut?

Yeah, that was not the way
that joke was supposed to go.

[all laugh]

So she is The Viv.

[applause]

It's so hard going after
such a strong roast.

[all laugh]

Well, what an honor it is

to be able to close
this celebration

of horrible, horrible men.

It really is the who's who
of who was available.

Thank you girls for
acknowledging my K addiction.

After sitting through
this shit for an hour,

I think I'll take it back up.

But on to our honorees.

After Drag Race,
Monét's career path was simple:

do everything Bob the Drag Queen
did, but shitter.

[all laugh]

Monét had her own talk show--
well, on the Internet--

called the X Change Rate,
which is Latin for "canceled."

[all laugh]

The show was meant to be
an exploration and reflection

of Monét's talent
and personality,

and sadly it was.

[all laugh]

Trinity's catchphrase
this season has been "I live!"

And she does, until that
back street B-grade silicone

migrates into a vital artery,
and then, girl, you die!

[all laugh]

Shea Couleé!

Calm down, Jinkx.
That's not a dessert.

Jinkx had a Zoom wedding,
not because of the pandemic,

just because her husband

couldn't bear to be
in the same room as her.

[all laugh]

But I just wanna thank
each and every one of you

for coming here tonight.

I hope you've had a fun time,

and if you ever need a friend
to pee in a cup, don't ask me.

Thank you! Good night.

[laughter and applause]

Category is All Glowed Up.

First up, Raja.

Michelle:
You betta chrysalis that walk.

[all laugh]

Raja: I just brought
a little something

I'd wear to the supermarket

to buy some quinoa, perhaps.

Just 200 lasers
and Swarovski crystals

on a 3D-printed butterfly cage.

Ronan: Ow. I think I just
accidentally got Lasik.

[all laugh]

The reason why I do drag
is to shock, to titillate,

to ultimately, you know,
create a vignette

that is something
that I consider beautiful.

Ronan:
Call her, Brian Dennehy,

because she's doing great things
after coming out of her cocoon.

[all laugh]

RuPaul: Yvie Oddly.

You know,
Yvie Oddly is a fun-gi.

[Ross laughs]

Yvie: For this runway,
I am the most regal,

elegant pile of mushrooms
to ever see the sun.

I am glowing so elegantly.

Ross: She's just
one of those queens

with a thousand-watt smile.

Ronan: That dental dam comes
with an electricity rinse.

[all laugh]

I want people to take a trip
with me on this look.

We are gonna go some places.

Ronan:
She's a glower and a shower.

[all laugh]

RuPaul:
Shea Couleé. Ooh!

Michelle:
Build me up, buttercup.

[all laugh]

Shea: I'm serving you
sunflower fairy goddess.

Sunflowers are just joyful,
they're bright.

I am glowing like the sun.

Talk about
all glowed up, baby.

RuPaul: All sun, no shade.

Jinkx Monsoon.

Ronan: Are you being persecuted
for your religious beliefs?

[all laugh]

Jinkx: I want
to rewrite the story

of witches being burned
at the stake.

Men in power
want to stay in power,

so they squash anyone
who threatens that.

So while I am a witch
being burned alive,

I'm going to show
that flames don't hurt me

and do not diminish my power.

Well done.

[all laugh]

RuPaul: Balenciaga!

Trinity the Tuck.

Michelle:
This dress is such a turn-on.

RuPaul: Well, she just blew out
half the lights in Los Angeles.

Michelle:
I'm sorry. Watt?

[all laugh]

Trinity: This runway
makes me so nervous.

I have a whole Las Vegas Strip
on my back.

She is flashing
more than the paparazzi,

and, bitch, I hope somebody

doesn't go into
an epileptic shock.

I don't even know
if I said that word right.

Ross: Blinker?
I hardly know her!

[all laugh]

RuPaul: Monét X Change.

Michelle: Monét, now with
Celestial Seasonings.

[all laugh]

Ross: Her hips don't lie,
but they do light up.

Monét: I wanted to give
a beautiful gown silhouette,

and we have nailed it.

You can see
the lights are twinkling,

then you see the galaxies
and the Milky Way.

Add the stars aligning
under the fabric,

and it really brings out
how celestial this garment is.

Ross: I wish I had a telescope
so I could see Uranus.

-[laughs]
-You can see it without it.

[all laugh]

RuPaul:
Jaida Essence Hall.

Ross: Is this the blue wave

that Chuck Todd
was expecting in 2020?

Jaida: I'm serving you nothing

but the brightest, most
sickening mermaid fantasy.

I'm glowing like
I were working in Vegas,

selling you on Treasure Island,

and I am loving that my body

looks like
I'm sitting on this wave,

even though I have
my cute little legs under here,

walking and propelling me.

Ronan: This is my favorite
episode of Planet Earth.

[all laugh]

RuPaul: The Vivienne.

Ronan: Now, that's what I call
winging it.

Vivienne: The lights
have gone down,

I am lit from head to toe.

My shoes are rhinestoned,

and I'm wearing my little
Single White Female bob,

so don't come near me
if you have a new puppy.

RuPaul: Teacher says
every time a bell rings,

a drag queen gets her wings!

[all laugh]

Michelle: Her milkshake
brings all the boys to her nest.

[all laugh]

Any chance I get to be
an angel, I'll take it,

because I will certainly
not be going to heaven.

[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]

[RuPaul laughs]

Welcome, ladies.

All Stars, All Winnersrules

are about to be revised.

[all laugh]
Wow.

Tonight, as usual,

I will name the top two
All Stars of the week

and award each of them
a legendary Legend Star,

unless she's been blocked.

Then the top two will lip sync

for their chance to win $10,000.

But the winner
of this week's lip sync

will not, I repeat,
will not have the power

to block one
of their fellow competitors

from receiving a legendary
Legend Star next week.

That's right.

We're hanging up
the Platinum Plunger

for the rest
of this competition.

[cheers and applause]

-Finally!
-The Platinum Plunger

will return from whence it came:

Michelle Visage's rectum.

[giggles]

Rec room. I meant rec room.

Same thing.

Now it's time
for the judges' critiques,

starting with Raja.

Raja, in the roast, I thought
you were really funny.

I think you had
some really strong moments.

You were probably
the meanest out of everybody.

Viv has done so much ketamine,

people are betting on her
at the Kentucky Derby.

[all laugh]

I just enjoyed
every second of your roast.

Not only were you funny,

but when you weren't funny,
you were hilarious.

Thank you.

This tonight
on the runway, wow.

It's so Raja.

I would say we've never seen it

on the main stage
of RuPaul's Drag Race,

but I'm not sure
I've ever seen that anywhere.

It was incredible.
It felt risky.

I'm glad you're still with us
and didn't sprain an ankle.

-[laughs]
-Appreciate it.

All right,
up next, Yvie Oddly.

You were lower key,
and I kind of dug that.

So once I got into your vibe,

you had some
really funny things.

Even Jinkx has had
some plastic surgery done.

I'll give you time
to look for it.

[all laugh]

This look, so beautiful.

The movement was stunning.
I was sold.

I mean, it's kitschy
in the best way possible.

It's campy, it's fun,
and it's really stunning.

-Thank you, Yvie.
-Thank you.

Up next, Shea Couleé,
now with sunflower oil.

Mmm!

I loved that sort of
green Lurex suit

that you were wearing.

It was like a power suit.

Ooh, it was so cute, right?

And the way you kind of
boss-bitched your roast

was awesome.

You didn't just wear
the power suit,

you carried yourself
like someone in a power suit,

and you were a power player
in that moment.

It was cool to see.

When she stands in front
of a funhouse mirror,

she looks like Monét X Change.

[all laugh]

Not only was this look
breathtaking

when the lights were out,

but on stage now, I think
I might even love it more.

Because I'm seeing
the details in it.

I'm seeing your makeup.

It was beautiful
with the lights on,

it's beautiful
with the lights off.

Just gorgeous.
Thank you, Shea.

Thank you, Ru.

Up next, it is Jinkx Monsoon.

You had some funny, funny jokes.

We were laughing so hard
you had to hold.

We expected a slayage,
and you did not disappoint.

When I was doing
a line of coke off of it,

I had time to stop and reflect

and realized
I'd become my mother.

[all laugh]

You were so funny, Jinkx.

You had a lot riding
on this week,

and I think you
knocked it outta the park.

You're an incredibly
accomplished stand-up.

It was really, really funny
and smart.

And then this outfit
told such a story,

and from a technical standpoint,
it was dazzling.

This is the most gorgeous
pizza oven I've ever seen.

[all laugh]

Oh, my goodness, hilarious.

-Thank you so much.
-Thank you.

Up next,
it's Trinity the Tuck.

Let's start with this look,

because you came around
the corner

and it was just a carnivale.

It's just so glowy and fun.

But I wanna take a minute
and talk about your roast.

It was freakin' hilarious.

Incredible jokes.
Great, great material.

Don't let anyone ever tell you
you're not pretty.

You're not,
but don't let them tell you.

[all laugh]

You had the jokes down,

but you had to get out of
your own way, and it's not easy.

But Trinity, you did it.

You are in your element.

You got it on lock.

Thank you, thank you.

All right,
up next, Monét X Change.

-Hi, Ru.
-Hi, honey.

I love watching you perform,

and it's because
you are so confident onstage.

The material was great, but also
you just--you know your stuff.

The joke about
"it gets butter..."

It gets butter.

[all laugh]
And eggs,

and it makes a sheet cake.

It just built
and built and built

and we were laughing
the whole time.

Thank you, Ross.

I think this is beautiful.

It's very classy.

You know, that's what
you're known as: classy.

-Thank you.
-That's a lie.

[all laugh]

But I think
it's really, really pretty,

and I like the kind of
fiber optic moment

that you're giving us.

Thank you, Michelle.

All right, up next,
Jaida Essence Hall.

Wow, this mermaid look
is stun-ning.

It was beautiful
with the lights off,

but lights on, look at this
color, look at it flickering.

I just can't imagine
the logistics

that went into making this,

let alone wearing this
and moving in this.

It is dazzling.

Thank you.

You looked beautiful
in the roast.

Your makeup was stunning.

And here's the thing.

You struggled a little bit,
but I wanna give you credit,

because the moment
you went off your book

is when you came to life.

There's sure to be a mess,

which is pretty much
what's happening right now

for this motherfucking roast
right now.

[all laugh]

And that was funny,

and that's what
a professional would do.

You have it.
You are funny.

But it's all in your head.

You let that go,
and you will just fly.

Thank you.

All right,
up next, The Vivienne.

I didn't write
a single thing down

because I just enjoyed the show.

Thank you girls for
acknowledging my K addiction.

After sitting through
this shit for an hour,

I think I'll take it back up.

[all laugh]

I always feel confidence

and supported
with you at the helm,

and that's important.

The thing that I wrote
so many notes about

were the wings.

It's interesting to me
that this outfit works so well

both with
and without the wings,

the pageboy haircut,

and the kind of warrior thing
you have going on.

I'm getting
sort of Icaru-sissy.

I just heard "sissy,"
and I'll take it.

[laughs]

Well, well done.
Very, very funny.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies.
I think we've heard enough.

While you untuck
in the werkroom,

the judges and I
will deliberate.

You may leave the stage.

Phenomenal night tonight.

So funny. So many jokes.

It was brilliant.

All right, now, just between
us squirrel friends,

whaddaya think?

We are looking for the two
top All Stars of the week.

Okay, truth.

Jinkx is as good
as anybody at the Friars Club.

Yes.

Trinity let her last boyfriend
down easy.

She said,
"Let's just be cousins."

[all laugh]

And then she comes out

with what I think is
the most innovative runway look.

It was funny and campy,
but also kind of dark and weird.

That may be the strongest thing
I've seen today.

But I've marked Monét as one
of the standouts in my mind.

Sometimes she was working
with long setups

on the way to a punchline,

and then sort of playing it

like the punchline
was improvisational.

The "it gets butter" joke felt
like it was in that category.

That was funny.

She's another one of those
comfortable performers

that we all love.

We sit here and we're like,
"Yeah, what's next?

Tell us another one."

For the runway look,

I really appreciated
the commitment

to something that was
understated and classy.

I really loved how Monét
presented tonight.

Trinity on that runway,

when she walked around
that corner

in that whorescent lighting,
it was such a moment.

It was thrilling.

But really
where she shone tonight

was in that roast,

because none of us really
expected her to do that.

Comedy runs in Monét's family.

Her mother delivered
at least one joke.

Oh!
[all laugh]

There were so many funny jokes.

It was one after the other,
it was rapid fire,

and I thought she was a star.

I loved The Vivienne tonight,
because that queen was so funny.

Jinkx had a Zoom wedding.

Not because of the pandemic,
just because her husband

couldn't bear to be
in the same room as her.

[all laugh]

She wasn't just
telling the jokes

and going through
the existing material.

It really felt like
she was playing

and doing improv
around the margins.

And then the look on the runway
was distinctive and unusual,

but also sort of very
classically beautiful.

We've seen wings a few times,

but these were softer
and bendier,

and you kind of felt emotions
when she was presenting it.

I love the way she looked.

I thought she had
a very strong night.

All right, silence!

I've made my decision.

Bring back my Legends.

Welcome back, ladies.

Based on your Hall of Shade
roast performances

and your All Glowed Up
runway presentations,

I've made some decisions.

The top two All Stars
of the week are...

-Trinity the Tuck...
-What?

And Jinkx Monsoon.

Oh, my God!

[applause]

Con-drag-ulations.

You've each earned
a legendary Legend Star.

And you're both one step closer
to our grand finale

Lip Sync Lalaparuza
Smackdown for the crown.

Ladies, the rest of you
may take a seat.

Congrats, bitch!

Two legends stand before me.

Ladies, this is your chance
to impress me

and win a cash tip of $10,000.

The time has come...
[thunder]

for you to lip sync...

[echoing] for your legacy!

Good luck,
and don't fuck it up.

♪ If all of the kings had
their queens on the throne ♪

♪ We would pop champagne
and raise a toast ♪

♪ To all of the queens
who are fighting alone ♪

♪ Baby, you're not dancing
on your own ♪

♪ Can't live without me

♪ You wanna, but you can't,
no, no, no ♪

♪ Think it's funny,
but honey ♪

♪ Can't run this show
on your own ♪

♪ I can feel my body shake

♪ There's only so much
I can take ♪

♪ I'll show you how
a real queen behaves ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh

♪ No damsel in distress

♪ Don't need to save me

♪ Once I start breathing fire,
you can't tame me ♪

♪ And you might think I'm weak
without a sword ♪

♪ But I'm stronger
than I ever was before ♪

♪ If all of the kings had
their queens on the throne ♪

♪ We would pop champagne
and raise a toast ♪

♪ To all of the queens
who are fighting alone ♪

♪ Baby, you're not dancing
on your own ♪

Whoo!

Yes!

Oh, my God, she did it!

♪ In chess, the king
can move one space at a time ♪

♪ But queens are free
to go wherever they like ♪

♪ You get too close,
you'll get a royalty high ♪

♪ So breathe it in
to feel alive ♪

♪ If all of the kings had
their queens on the throne ♪

♪ We would pop champagne
and raise a toast ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh-oh

[laughter and applause]

Why did I think I could do
a cartwheel in a corset?

[Yvie laughs]

Ladies, I've made my decision.

Jinkx Monsoon,
con-drag-ulations.

You're a winner, baby.

[applause]

You've won a cash tip
of $10,000.

Thank you!

Trinity the Tuck, you are free
to slay another day.

Queens, please join Jinkx
and Trinity

on the main stage.

Con-drag-ulations, All Stars.

Next week will be
your final maxi-challenge

and your last chance
to earn legendary Legend Stars.

Remember, no queen is blocked.

Where there's a will,
there is a way.

Now, if you can't love yourself,

how in the hell
you gonna love somebody else?

Can I get an "amen" up in here?

-Amen!
-Amen!

All right.
Now let the music play!

[music plays]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

[laughs]

♪ Cover girl

RuPaul:
Next time onAll Stars...

All Starsrules
have been suspended,

and now no one's
blocked anymore.

All right.

I'm coming for you
and your three stars, too!

I'm coming for you
and your three stars.

For your final maxi-challenge,
you'll star

in the Drag Race Gives Back
variety extravaganza.

Ooh!
[applause]

So Jinkx right now

is the only person
who has a guaranteed spot.

-I'm singing opera.
-Okay, hit a note.

-E.
-Oh. Oh, wow.

If I mess this up,

I'm really gonna look like
Boo-Boo the Fool.

Whoo-hoo!

[distorted voice]

♪ Oh-oh

[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

♪ Cover girl