All language subtitles for The.Distinguished.Gentleman.1992.72.ks

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[Olaf Andersen] Uh, ladies and
gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Your attention.

I think you all know our guests
of honor today.

Our great congressman,
Jeff Johnson,

and Vera Johnson,
his lovely and gracious wife.

Many of you know that Jeff is now completely
recovered from a triple bypass operation.

Doesn't he look great?

I never felt better.

Before I turn the floor over to the
congressman, I'd like to thank my old friends,

Mr. And Mrs. Zeke Bridges, for the use
of their wonderful, lovely home.

[Andersen]
Thank you, Zeke.

Now, sirs,
ladies and gentlemen,

- In the 20 years of the great...
- Som-bitch!

Uh... well, seems like
a host's work is never done.

- [Laughing]
- Now, in the 20 years...

that the Honorable Jefferson Davis Johnson
has been our representative in Congress...

Excuse me. Pardon me.
What do you say, Pete?

- [Andersen] Whatever our walk of life:
- Excuse me.

- Utilities, pharmaceuticals...
- Pardon me. Hi, Malcolm.

One bourbon sour straight up
with extra orange,

and one gibson, no onion,

and two white wine spritzers
and a Lowenbrau.

[Jamaican Accent] Allow me to light your
cigarette for you. Hold this for me, sir.

The way your hair matches your eyes,
I don't know how I can control myself.

Excuse me,
I'll get those drinks.

I can't believe that you're Inga.
You don't look Swedish.

You're so different
from your picture.

[Swedish Accent]
That wasn't me on the TV,

but that sure was me
on the telephone.

[Normal Voice]
You want me to prove it, Zeke?

You told me that you want me
to tie you up and beat you with...

My God, Inga,
that was on the phone.

I never thought you'd be in my house.
You've got to get outta here.

[Swedish Accent] But you told me you
wanted me! You told me to quit my job.

[Normal Voice]
And now, honey, here I am.

- Not now, waiter. Please!
- Don't worry about a thing. I'll handle this. You!

Bag on the floor,
hands in the air. Do it!

Sergeant Brown, vice squad,
undercover operations.

- I know who you are, dirty pig!
- Shut up! You're under arrest.

- My God, what's goin' on here? - Sir, you've been
the target of a ruthless gang of con artists.

It all started when you called
the "Girls of Many Nations" party line.

It's 1-900-phone-sex?

You put it on your credit card
instead of your phone bill...

'cause you didn't want your wife
to see it, right? Big mistake.

The gang used your credit card number to
find out everything they could about you.

It's the gang's M.O. to wait until
the victim's having a big party...

and will do anything, pay big money,
to avoid embarrassment.

Embarrassment?
Som-bitch!

This goes beyond embarrassment!

A hundred of my very best friends
paid a thousand dollars apiece...

to have a drink
with Congressman Johnson.

Not to mention the fact my wife
is probably looking for me right now.

That is exactly what
their evil scheme is depending on.

In fact, any second now,
a huge Latino man's...

- Gonna burst in pretending
he's an outraged husband. - Inga!

- What're you doin' with my wife?
- Senor...

- [Bridges] It's okay, Alice.
- My friend, rum and coke.

Don't let anyone else in, please.
Thanks.

- [Armando] Did he touch you?
- I got your rum and coke.

There's your rum and coke,
and she can drink it with you!

- [Speaking Spanish, Indistinct]
- Hey, i callate la boca.

I callate la boca ahora!
I ahora asi!

Now you see how they were gonna plan
to con you outta your money.

But I know better, 'cause I know
you're a courageous citizen.

- And I know you're gonna testify.
Yes, you're gonna testify. - Oh!

- I can't testify.
- Sure you can. All you've done was phone sex.

- A lot of people have done that.
- He wanted me to tie him up...

and spank him with
a wet garter belt.

- [Chuckling] No, no, not me. No, no.
- [Thomas] Excuse me.

That is between the fantasy hostess and
the freak. I don't even wanna hear it.

- "Freak"?
- Hey, poppy.

I got a tape in the car. Eight-track
or cassette. You wanna hear it?

- No, no! No, no! Thank you very much.
- Sir, please.

They're trying to intimidate you by telling you
that they have an audio tape of you freaking on...

Did you think you were gonna intimidate
him? You're not intimidating him.

He's going to testify, because
his family may not know he's a freak,

but he's been married 20, 30 years.
His wife knows he's a freak.

"Freak"? Uh, Sergeant Brown, I have
to talk to you in private, please.

Mr. Bridges, I can't leave
the suspects by themselves.

Well, let's, uh, lock 'em
in the crapper.

Okay, come on.
Move in the bathroom.

- Come on, man, move it. Come on!
- [Speaking Spanish, Indistinct]

Hey, hey! Vamonos,
muchachos, goddamn it!

Now you've all met my
legislative assistant, Kimberly.

Kimberly and my fine staff,
along with myself,

will be available to you
24 hours a day.

I'm proud to be
your man in Washington.

I plan to keep goin' back
as long as you keep sendin' me.

[Cheering]

Please listen, Sergeant.

- I'm the chairman of a large, conservative
insurance company. - I know that.

I know your chief, Sergeant Brown.
Help me and you'll be Lieutenant Brown.

Just get these people
the hell outta here quietly.

Mr. Bridges, I know
these people. Okay?

If you let them go,
they're just gonna blackmail you.

I don't care.
What do they want?

- Goin' by their other victims, it costs like $5,000.
- Okay.

That's 5,000 each, you know.

Okay.

You know there's
four people in the gang.

- Twenty thousand dollars?
- See, that's what I'm tellin' you.

- I think you should testify.
- No, I can't.

- Please put your money away, sir.
- Look, it's...

It's just that I don't have that
much cash. I've only got $12,000.

- And there's four people in the gang.
- Wait a minute.

- My rolex. - Oh, Mr. Bridges, no.
No, no, no. Please, sir.

No, it's worth $10,000.

Oh, Mr. Bridges, I don't wanna take your
watch, I don't wanna take your money.

- Besides, they don't want a watch. They want cash.
- Take the damn money!

Take the watch, please!
Get them outta here and get that tape.

You know this goes against
my every principle.

Darlin', don't you look wonderful.

Glad to see ya. Nice to...
Hey, how's that knee, huh?

- [Speaking Spanish, Indistinct]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! [Spanish, Indistinct]

Inga will miss you!
Bye-bye.

What are you doin'?
I gotta go get the tape.

I don't want you to give them the money
until I get the tape in my hand.

Come with me.

Chief!

By golly,
am I glad to see you.

I'm sorry I'm late.
I had an emergency.

You know Sergeant...

[Bridges]
Where'd he go?

Sergeant Brown, the vice squad.

We don't have a vice squad.

You don't have a...
Som-bitch!

Oh, waiter,
where's my bourbon sour?

Oh, you must think I'm Kareem.
I'm Jamal.

He stiff you on your
drinks too? He fired.

Kareem! Wait right there. Kareem, where's
this woman's drink? This woman's thirsty!

- [Man] I've always enjoyed the time
we've spent together. - [Woman] Oh, thank you.

[Man] Why don't we
sit down over here?

[Guests Laughing]

Olaf, I'm thinking
of retiring from Congress.

You can't retire. You just promised
all these people you're gonna run again.

That was a political promise.
You know better than to believe that.

[Andersen]
Zeke, come here. Listen to this.

Have you all seen a waiter
come through here?

No, I haven't, but, Zeke,
I need your help. Hey!

- What's got into Zeke?
- Damned if I know.

Listen, Jeff, you know you got
the best job in the world, don't you?

You get to go hunting, fishing,
skiing and golfing.

The best resorts. Then you get
to call it, "official business," huh?

And, Jeff, you know there's
no aphrodisiac like power.

Are you tired of having the most beautiful
and intelligent women in this country?

Ah, the joy's gone out
of Congress, Olaf.

No, that perks thing
was the last straw.

And who needs the aggravation?
Life's too short.

Yeah, well, look, Jeff.
You can't retire.

If I retire this year,
I get to keep $1.3 million...

that's left in my campaign fund.

It's called
"the grandfather loophole."

All right, Jeff.
I got it. Come here.

There's this small software company
that's about to go through the roof.

Now, what you do, you buy a few thousand
dollars worth of stock options.

It's gonna bring in a half a million
dollars easy. That's just for openers.

Huh?

If you put it like that,
I suppose I...

have a duty to continue
my career in public service.

"Duty"! [Chuckles]
You're something else, Jeff.

I am definitely
in the wrong business.

- Som-bitch!
- Well?

- Som-bitch!
- Yes!

- [Laughing Together]
- [Swedish Accent] I love it!

[Grunting, Groaning]

- [Woman Sighing]
- [Johnson] Ohh! Oh, Kimberly!

[Kimberly]
Oh, Congressman!

[Johnson] Oh, Kimberly,
you're so good! Yeah!

Oh! Oh God! Oh, Oh!
Oh, I got a cramp!

I got a cramp. It's okay,
don't stop. Don't stop!

Oh! Yeah, yeah!
Oh, God, yes, yes!

- Kimberly! Yeah!
- Oh, Congressman!

- Oh, now, now! Yeah! Oh! Oh, my God!
- Oh, Congressman!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my... [Gagging]

[Kimberly Panting]

[Panting]

Oh, my God!

## [Funeral Organ]

[Dick Dodge]
It was my honor...

to serve with Jeff Johnson
in Congress for a generation.

No one was a better legislator,
a better husband.

We're gonna miss him. But we are
grateful that his passing was peaceful.

The consummate public servant,

working late into the night
at his desk.

- Thank you.
- [Dodge] Vera?

- Let me talk to you for a minute in here.
- Excuse me.

Uh, now...

I know that, uh, you're still
in shock over Jeff's passing,

- But we need to talk about his seat.
- We do?

I would like for you to announce
that you're gonna run for Congress.

With your name, you can't lose.

Mrs. Jeff Johnson
would win in a walk.

Dick, I've been
a Washington wife for 20 years.

I think that's enough bullshit
for one lifetime.

I'd help. I'd be running
the office night and day.

I'm sure you would, dear.
But I couldn't give you...

the same kind of job satisfaction
Jeff gave you.

Uh-huh.

How did I end up with a thief
for a grandson?

Hey! Aha!
Hey, thieves steal.

I con, all right?
It's different. I'm an artist.

I'm a con artist.

- Hey, look! There's the new ad.
- Hey.

[Loretta As Inga] I am Inga.
I am here from Sweden.

And I'm so lonely.

I need a man,
and so do my girlfriends.

Maria, my hot-blooded
Spanish friend.

- Babette, zee Parisian pussycat...
- [Meows]

- And many others.
- I hope you sprain your lips from doin' this.

- I hope your lip muscles freeze up.
- We take all major credit cards.

[Loretta As Inga] So call
the Girls of Many Nations at...

[Swedish Accent] What do you think
of my accent, Grandma?

- Very, very good. Hey, hey.
- [Telephone Ringing]

Thank you for calling "Girls
of Many Nations" party line.

For hot-blooded
Italian wildcats, press one now.

For perky American cheerleaders,
press two now.

For a busty Swedish love goddess,
press three now.

- [Single Tone]
- Another customer for Inga.

Don't you dare
talk to that man!

[Swedish Accent]
Hello, this is Inga.

Oh, hello, Paul.
How are you?

Oh! [Giggles] Tell me,
Paul, do you have Mastercard?

If you don't hang up that phone,
I will flush it down the toilet!

Uh, no, Paul.
Call me later, please.

What's the matter with you?
This is my business.

You are not only a con man,
you get your cousin Loretta...

- To help you by talkin' dirty? Shame on you!
- Granny!

You mad 'cause you can't show my picture
around the pool no more, Grandma?

Of course not.

Look what these arthritic hands
have been doin'.

- Oh...
- Don't "oh." What are you "oh-ing"?

Thomas Jefferson Johnson.
Why you keep usin' my middle name?

It sound like a tap dancer
or somethin'.

Make me proud of you, Thomas.
Make me proud of the name you carry.

I'm Ned Grable, Vice President
and General Manager of WFL.

We think Mrs. Jeff Johnson
did the right thing...

in not running for the congressional
seat left vacant by her husband's death.

Jeff Johnson's name
may still be magic,

but it'll take more than
the magic of name recognition...

to solve our region's problems.

I'm Ned Grable.

Name recognition.

Lordy, what a notion.

People would have to be
some kind of boobs...

just to vote for somebody
because their name was Johnson.

I remember once back in Georgia.
They even elected a dead man.

His name was still
on the ballot and...

folks were just
used to voting for him.

[Loretta]
Okay. Bye-bye.

My friends, I wanna
tell y'all about a town...

where the streets
are paved with gold.

I'm talkin' about a town where the marks
will take you to dinner after you fuck 'em.

I'm talkin' about a place that, when they
run outta money, they just print some more.

In this town, a cat bounced 900 checks,
didn't even have to go to jail.

- You mean "Las Begas."
- No, not "Las Begas."

No, honey, he's talkin'
about Washington, D.C.

l... You all ready for this?

I am running for Congress.

- What is this, a joke?
- What's the con, T?

Yeah, I don't get it, man.

- Yo, man, Van Dyke.
- Yeah.

- You remember Willie Sutton?
- My hero.

What did Willie Sutton say when they
asked him how come he robbed banks?

- That's where the money is.
- Exactly.

Washington, D.C.
That's where the money is.

Listen, I have been doin' some research.
I've been to the library.

- [Laughing] - Why you laughing?
Congressmen, when they get elected,

they get $130,000 a year.
That's their base salary.

But then they have these things called "PACs."
Okay, political action committees, right?

Then there's these lobbyists. The lobbyists'
whole point in life is to buy you off.

They buy you off
and it's totally legal.

It's the con of a lifetime,
and I know we can do this shit.

Who "we," white man?

Us! We! Us! If I get elected,
I gotta have a staff.

I'm gonna get a staff allowance.
It says here that new Congress...

- You get a staff allowance of $537,000.
- [Armando] Ooh!

- Damn!
- Senor!

I get that kinda cash, I'm splitting it
up with my homies and my homette.

How exactly are you gonna
get your butt to Congress?

Yeah, T. Why the hell
would anybody vote for you?

It's not like they're voting for me.
They're voting for name recognition.

The congressman here
was Jeff Johnson.

My middle name is Jefferson,
last name is Johnson.

Cut off the Thomas,
shorten the Jefferson,

Jeff John... nobody knows that
their congressman is dead.

Who knows that Jeff is dead?
He's a congressman. Who cares?

If I get on the ballot as Jeff Johnson,
nobody's gonna know.

Well, how you gonna
get on the ballot?

That's where you all
come into play.

My friends, I need, uh,
[Chuckling]...

I need, uh,
5,625 signatures.

- [Laughing]
- I knew this "we" shit had a catch.

Hey, man, you all
got a better plan?

I do.

Who are these "Silver Foxes"?
Old people who just like to vote?

It's a political party. The big thing
is, they got their own line on the ballot.

They already got the signatures.

- May I help you?
- Uh, good afternoon.

- We have an appointment to see Hattie Rifkin.
- Right.

You wanna talk politics?
Talk.

Uh, we was wonderin', who you gonna
run for Congress this year?

Ah, the usual sacrificial lamb.

Probably Sylvia Roland.
She just lost her husband.

She needs to meet new people.
Why?

Miss Rifkin. I'd like to run
on the Silver Foxes' ticket.

I believe and care
about you and your issues.

That's what my son says,
but does he call?

What makes you think
a group of alter kakers...

is gonna support a man who hasn't
clipped his first nose hair yet?

Because I can win.

No, no. A Republican can win.
A Democrat can win.

A Silver Fox can only make
a symbolic point.

Mrs. Rifkin, if you get me on
the Silver Foxes' ballot line,

- And if you give me the support...
- Lf, if.

And di bubbeh volt gehat baitzim,
volt zi geven a zeyde.

But got haste oykh
cane naar nit zine.

- [Chuckling]
- Uh, what's all this?

Oh, she just said that if my grandmother
had balls, she'd be my grandfather.

And I told her that God
never told nobody to be stupid.

Where the hell did you learn
to speak Yiddish?

[Yiddish Accent] I learned it from Morris
Elfbein, da gin king of Miami Beach.

He taught me that
and he also taught me...

you don't always have to have
the best cards to win the hand.

Maybe not in gin, but in politics,
young man, you need money to win.

You need a name to win.
You need...

- I do have a name.
- What, you're an athlete?

- You're not on MTV, are you?
- My name is Johnson.

Jeff Johnson.
The name you know.

Jeff Johnson?

Well, that's a name even our
Alzheimer's group will remember.

I'm not quite sure I understand,
Professor Franklin.

You did your doctoral thesis
on my husband?

Yes, Mrs. Johnson.
Your husband was a very great man.

He did so much to help my people.

I remember the time he said
that welfare is a drug...

and you have to kick it
like cold turkey.

And at the time, I was on welfare
and I did just that.

It inspired me to get on with
my life. Very inspirational.

Yes, well, really,
I'm sure if he were alive...

I was actually in the audience one day
when he looked out and he said,

"If you people'd just get off
your dead asses and go look for work,

maybe America can be a decent place
to live in again."

That inspired me.
My God, it made me move my ass.

And I have a poster
of that on my wall,

and I show it to all my relatives
and friends and Negroes.

Really, well. It's kind of you to come
all the way from... Where was it?

The Wilson Pickett State, uh,
Teachers' College, ma'am.

But I didn't just come here to pay
my respects to your husband.

I came here because, because
your husband deserves an archive...

where students
can study his legacy.

- So you want his papers.
- Not just his papers, ma'am.

I would like all buttons
and posters and bumper stickers...

and all the campaign paraphernalia
you can spare, ma'am.

I know you may have a sentimental attachment
to a lot of these things and you...

- Take 'em.
- Pardon me?

Take 'em all. Do you want
the wedding photos too?

- Oh, I don't know if I think that's necessary.
- That's lucky.

So you won't have to go
rooting around in the garbage.

- Oh. Hmm.
- Hmm.

You're in pretty good shape
for a professor.

Do you work out?

Uh, why, yes. Do you?

Why, yes.

Hmm.

[Van Dyke] Are you sure you don't
wanna come to Washington with us, Homer?

No, I got a business to run.

- Bye-bye.
- [Telephone Ringing]

Hello. Who?

League of Women Voters. No,
Mr. Johnson will not attend the debate.

No, I'm sorry, Betty. I cannot
tie up this line. Thank you.

- [Ringing]
- Hello?

Star-Ledger. No, we're fresh out
of photographs of Mr. Johnson.

No, you can't. He's just had surgery
for a deviated septum.

Yeah, thank you.

- [Ringing]
- Hello?

[Swedish Accent]
Ja, this is Inga.

[Thomas Using "White" Accent]
Cast your vote for Jeff Johnson.

Good old Jeff,
the name that you can trust.

The name that you know.
Jeff Johnson.

[Chinese Accent] Why you no vote
Jeff Johnson? He the name you know.

Go down vote for Jeff.
Jeff Johnson, the name you know.

[Homeboy Accent] Hey, you, eatin'
the greens, and you on the corn bread.

Put that down and cast your vote
for Jeff Johnson, the name you know.

You know it's good. Jeff is good,
just like them greens. Jeff and greens.

When you think greens,
think Jeff Johnson.

[Yiddish Accent] In this meshugeneh
world, you wanna vote for Jeff Johnson.

I don't know why I gotta drive through here and
tell you this. You should know who to vote for.

Put a vote in for Jeff
because he's a good person.

What, are you crazy?

["White" Accent] We're not gonna
show you Jeff Johnson waving a flag,

and we're not gonna show you
Jeff Johnson kissing babies.

We're not gonna show you Jeff Johnson
doing anything because you already know...

what Jeff Johnson can do.

Tomorrow, vote Jeff Johnson,
the name you know.

- That sound white enough?
- That was very white.

Yeah. That's chilling, actually.
Almost scared myself.

Fantastic.

Tomorrow, vote Jeff Johnson,
the name you know.

Who do we vote for
for Congress?

- Don't we always vote for Johnson?
- Ah, that's it, Johnson.

If you're just joining us,
our exit polls project that in Florida,

an unknown independent candidate,
whose sole asset appears to be his name,

may just possibly win
a slim victory.

[Cheering, Whistling]

## [Calypso Version Of
"Happy Days Are Here Again"]

Is that him? Is that him?

Uh, Patricia, I believe that
Congressman-Elect Johnson has just arrived.

[Armando]
Excuse me, please. Coming through.

[Homer]
We need to get through, please.

- Come on. Come on.
- Coming through. Thank you.

[Man]
Congratulations!

[Cheering]

[Thomas]
Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Hey! [Whistling]
Hey, thank you!

Thank you so much!
People,

we ran a positive campaign.

We campaigned on the issue.

The issue is change.

Change for the future.

The people have spoken!

Ask not what your country
can do for you.

You have nothing to fear
but fear itself.

If you can't stand the heat,
get out of the kitchen.

Live free or die.

And in conclusion,
read my lips.

[Cheering]

Mira, mira, mira.

The promised land.

[P.A. Announcer]
Continental flight 228 to Chicago...

Congressman Johnson.
Congressman Johnson, Arthur Reinhardt.

You don't remember me.

- I was Congressman Johnson's
administrative assistant. - Yes.

I Fed Ex'ed all that material
to you down in Florida.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.
Well, you know.

You look just like
I thought you would look.

You see his little
wing-tip shoes on?

Oh, l... Thank you.

Congressman, I hope you don't think
I'm outta line for meeting you here.

I just thought you might need help with
logistics, settling in at your hotel.

Since you didn't make it to the Harvard
seminar for freshmen congressmen,

I took the liberty of putting together
a set of their papers for you.

Thank you for your initiative, but I gotta
admit to you, I've never been much of a student.

But you can brief
my staff on that, you know.

Uh, staff, what hotel
are we staying at?

- You book the hotel?
- No. Talk to him.

- You book the hotel?
- What hotel?

Nobody told me
about no damn hotel.

Uh, is, uh, staff...

obviously failed to nail
some vital details, so...

Oh, geez,
the world bank's in town.

Where we gonna find you a room?

Hey, I kick your ass.

You have to be firm
with the staff sometimes.

[P.A. Announcer] Continental
flight 228 to Chicago O'Hare is now...

I got lucky at the Hay-Adams.

- There was a coup in Uruguay.
- Que?

- What?
- Uruguay.

Anyway, their delegation
just checked out.

You're a wizard, Reinhardt, and I knew
we could count on you. Let's go.

- Hey, you got that?
- Yes, sir.

[Loretta]
Careful with that bag.

Don't throw it in there like that.
I paid too much for that bag.

- Say, Congressman?
- Yo.

I'd like to ask you something.

I would appreciate it if you
would consider me to be your A.A.

Oh, that's very nice of you.
That's a very decent gesture.

But yo, man, listen.
I'm a social drinker.

I don't really hit
the bottle very much.

Yeah, yeah. No, no. Uh,

administrative assistant.

- Oh! - As you know, I used to work
for Congressman Johnson.

And I would like to work for you,
Congressman Johnson.

So it would be sorta like an affirmative
action sorta thing. [Chuckles]

Only kidding. I got your resume.
I'll call you, okay?

- I'll look forward to hearing from you?
- Look forward to talking to you.

[Giddy Chuckle]

Ooh, baby!

[Secretary]
Congressman Corman's office.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

[Chuckling]

[Elevator Bell Rings]

- Members only. - Oh, we're going up to
Congressman Johnson's office.

I hate to be the one to tell you,
but Congressman Johnson died.

I'm the new congressman. I'm Congressman
Johnson and this is my staff.

I'm sorry, Congressman.
I didn't see your pin.

In fact, I still
don't see your pin.

- What pin?
- Your member-of-Congress pin.

- I'm gonna have to look you up.
- I'm in the book under Johnson. Thomas Johnson.

- Congressman.
- [Giggling]

Thomas Jefferson Johnson.

- Yeah, I'm the man.
- No picture available.

Oh, wait a second. I have my driver's
license with me. Got a picture in late.

Here it...
If I can get it out.

- Driver's license.
- Oh.

See? Same cat.

How could I ever have doubted you?
Where to?

We're going up to 518.

Well, the elevator only goes to four.
You'll have to take the stairs from there.

Are you gonna be grabbin' my ass
like old Congressman Johnson?

Oh, no. I would
never grab your ass.

Well, you said that awful fast.
What's wrong with my ass?

Oh, there's nothing
wrong with your ass.

I'm just, you know, I'm just, what,
I'm, I'm the new congressman,

and I won't be doin' none
of those things he did.

I ain't gonna grab nobody's old ass.
I mean, I ain't gonna grab nobody's ass.

You know? Hey, I think we
on the fourth floor.

I'll grab it.

[Elevator Bell Ringing]

Stairs are to the right.
Enjoy.

Later, baby.

Wait here a second.

Good morning, Congressman.

What is this shit-hole?
Look at this place. What is this?

Oh, um... you missed
the freshman lottery for offices.

They assign them by draw.

You didn't show for the draw,
so you got the worst office in Congress.

What lottery?
I missed a lottery?

It was all in those briefing books
I mailed you.

What else have we missed here?

Are you hiring me, Congressman?

- It's a shakedown.
- Excuse me?

Oh, ho-ho-ho! You're shaking
me down, aren't you?

Okay, I'm gonna love this town.

Okay, I've been here five minutes
and you're already shaking me down.

All right, you're hired.

Listen, fill me in on everything
'cause I don't wanna miss the good shit.

## [Classical]

[Indistinct Chatter]

- Let's go meet the natives.
- Yeah.

[Thomas] Can you be
a little more elegant than that?

Shakin' your ass and shit.

Hey, how ya doin'?
Thomas Johnson.

Rafe Simon, freshman from Tulsa.
And this is...

- Bo Chandler from, uh...
- Lufkin, Texas.

Great party.

You're Jeff Johnson,
the guy from Florida.

Yeah, that's me.

You know, the rest of us were
out there on the campaign trail,

raising money, kissing ass, making speeches,
dragging our butts from place to place.

And he slides in
on pure name recognition.

Let me tell you something, Jeff.

Fuckin' brilliant!

I thought I was gonna have to kick
somebody's... Okay. Hey, no, I'm sorry.

Thanks a lot.
And don't call me Jeff.

Jeff is my working name. My name is
Thomas, and this is my cousin, Miss Loretta.

How do you do? How do you do?
[Laughing]

What were you guys before you
got elected? Lawyers or something?

Oh, hey, no. I did morning weather
and traffic for KTOK in Tulsa.

- Oh. [Laughing]
- [Chandler] You don't remember me?

Tight end for the Oilers?
My knee gimped out on me?

Oh, yes! Oh, hey, man.
I was wonderin' what happened to you.

- Why don't you stop by my reception?
- Yeah, but don't go...

to his reception before
you go to my reception.

I'm gonna be offended
if you don't come by my reception.

- Okay.
- [Thomas] Okay.

I guess you're gonna
have to have a reception.

Yes, I guess we'll have
to have something.

Shit, I don't know nothin'
about no reception.

You know what I love about this town?
The way everybody call you a member.

Every time I hear that,
it make me think about Mister Happy.

- [Laughing]
- Hey, hey!

Watch them sprinklets, man! He's
laughin' and piss shootin' everyplace.

I got a sprinkler too now.
Back at ya!

- Ow!
- All right, then.

- Mike Hoyt, lowa.
- Thomas Johnson, Florida.

So how'd you wind up in D.C., lowa? You
do the crop report on TV or somethin'?

No, actually, I owe it all
to the Vietnamese.

Oh, you're a war hero.

P.O.W. When I got back
to Cedar Rapids,

I spent so many years telling the Rotary
Club what was wrong in Washington...

they finally told me to either
put up or shut up. Ha!

So I put up, and here I am.

What are you talkin' about? What's wrong
with Washington? Washington's great!

Oh, come on. We got acid rain
killing fish and nobody's stopping it.

There's topsoil being washed away.
No erosion programs.

- Why, there's chemicals in the livestock that...
- We might have some luck.

My God, I sound like a boy scout.
[Laughing]

No, actually, that's nice. This town
could use a few geeks like you.

- Hi.
- Pete Slocum, Asbestos Information Institute.

How are ya, Pete?
Nice to meet ya.

Ken Korngold, National
Distilled Spirits Association.

- Very good to meet you, Ken.
- Nice to meet you.

- Paul Zeckhauser, American Tobacco Council.
[Coughing] - How are you, Paul?

I hope you can all come to my reception.
You know Miss Loretta from my office.

- Hi. Hello.
- Terry Corrigan.

Soon as I saw how you got elected,
I knew you were a real comer.

Hell, I bet Olaf Andersen
voted for you.

I don't know.
Who's Olaf Andersen?

Won't tell him you asked.
Fella on the left up there.

Chairman, Gulf Coast Power.

Constituent of yours,
client of mine.

Pays the rent,
know what I mean?

Say, could I host a "welcome
to Washington" fund-raiser for you,

down at my law firm
on K Street?

- Absolutely.
- At $500 a head,

you could pick up 20, 25 grand
to help you get started.

[Nervous Laugh]

And how much of that
are you gonna get?

It doesn't come off the top.

Down the road, I'll bill each of them
500 an hour whenever I take you to lunch.

You know, Terry, you and I
are gonna be so close.

I wanna welcome
the new members to Washington.

We haven't had a freshman class
this big in a long time.

[Laughing]

Well, Congress needs your new blood, and
you in turn are gonna need new friends.

That's why, tonight, we unite
the two great pillars of our system.

Political and financial.

Now, you know, Congress
has taken many hits of late.

But, Congressmen,
look around you.

The people you see here tonight
are the ones that have stood behind us.

And they are the ones that will be
invaluable to you in your next campaign,

which I might remind you
is less than two years away.

Now this is our system of checks
and balances at its very finest.

Dick Dodge, from your home state.
Gonna run for speaker.

Raises more money
than any other member.

But, of course,
he's on the right committee,

- Which makes all the difference.
- Yeah, of course.

But I'm not telling you anything
you don't already know.

No, he's on the right committee, so
I guess that makes all the difference.

Not just on the committee.
He's chairman of it.

The big boys have to line up
to take numbers...

to throw money his way.

- Your friends can always call on you.
- No shit.

[Woman]
Thank you very much.

[Dodge]
Oh, uh, Mr. Johnson?

You know, it's customary
for the new members...

to pay a visit on us old fogies in the
leadership, especially from your home state.

Well, I would have, but I
just got in town. I'm sorry, man.

You know, you can make up for it
by having a nightcap with me.

- Oh, absolutely.
- Can I have my car take you home?

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Chairman,

but you ain't about to start no homo
shit, are you? 'Cause I ain't with it.

- Oh?
- Hey.

No! But that's good thinking, Thomas.
I'm impressed by your instincts.

I didn't wanna
have to whup your ass.

- [Laughing]
- You know what I mean?

Tell me, Mr. Johnson,
why'd you come to Washington?

Well, of course, it's an opportunity
to do something for my country, and...

Now let's just cut the bullshit.

I saw how you got elected.

Now flukes like you are either
nut cases or troublemakers.

I just wanna know which one
I've got on my hands.

Why did you run for Congress?

- No bullshit?
- No bullshit.

We got this whole
topsoil problem...

and, uh, acid rain
is killing cattle.

- [Pounding At Door]
- What? Yes? What? What?

- What?
- [Thomas] Einhardt! Wake up!

[Pounding Continues]

What is the name of that committee
Dick Dodge is chairman of?

- Congressman, this is a surprise.
- Come on, man, spit it out.

- What's the name of the committee?
- Uh... Uh...

Come on, come on, come on.
What is it?

Uh... oh.
Power and Industry.

- Is something wrong with the hotel?
- No.

Tell me about this Power and Industry.
I heard it's really good.

- This is a good thing, right?
- Yes, they call it "the honey pot."

Each member is constantly being lobbied
by every cash-rich trade group in town.

Oh, it's 2:40 a.m.
Did you realize that?

Ah, man, forget that!
We're public servants.

Time ain't supposed to mean
nothin' to us, right?

- How do I get on this committee?
- Um, that would be seniority.

Uh, after six terms in office,

uh, say, 12 years of service,

your name moves along the list
and before you know it,

you're off the Fisheries committee
and on to Power and Industry.

- Can this wait? I'm much more coherent
in the morning. - No, you're doin' fine.

But I need to know how I can get
on this committee, like, immediately.

Okay, okay.
All right, all right.

Uh, immediately. Immediately.

- Within, say, your next four years?
- No, no, no, no.

Immediately,
like in my first four days.

Now you're a smart guy.
That's why I hired you.

You might be standin' here
in these fire engine boxer shorts,

but I have faith in you.
I'm countin' on you.

- Talk to me, Reinhardt.
- Yes, thank you.

I don't think
it's possible, sir.

It would be unprecedented
for a freshman congressman...

to be put onto that committee.

Unless...

Well, only in the most remote,

hypo...
hypothetical situation.

Yes?

- This is ridiculous, right?
- For instance?

Well, if the, uh, President
of the United States...

were to do you a personal favor.

Or, uh, some enormously powerful
special interest group.

Chairman Dodge, please.

Will you tell him that it's Mr. Joshua
Benjamin from the NAACP on the line?

No, ma'am, actually, you'll
be of a great deal of help.

I have a few minor questions.
I would like to know...

how many members of the chairman's
committee are African-Americans.

None. Well, I'm sure you have
a Latino member on the committee.

No Latinos either.

Does the chairman have any Asians or
any Native Americans on the committee?

No Asians and no natives.

Does the chairman have any handicaps
or gays on the committee?

No gays. Well, you've been
of a great deal of help.

Just forget I even called.
Just tell him I said hi.

Okay, um, Armando, Van Dyke,
you guys are up next.

I'll go hit 'em with
the Urban League right away.

Fine. And I'll be the conference of
Southern Baptist Bishops. [Chuckling]

What do you want me to do?

Oh, hi. We haven't met yet.

I'm Loretta Hicks.
Congressman Johnson's office?

Oh, hi. I'm Kimberly Meadows.
I work for Chairman Dodge.

Power and Industry.
How'd you get that job?

I used to serve under
the other Congressman Johnson,

so I had the right experience.

Well, I hope you haven't
been bothered by the pickets.

What pickets?

Oh. Did, did I let
the cat out of the bag?

- Are we gonna be picketed?
- Look, you've got to promise...

not to say where
you heard this from.

- Not even my congressman knows.
- I promise.

Okay. My boyfriend works
at the Rainbow Coalition,

and he said...

[Telephone Ringing]

[Telephone Ringing]

Congressman Johnson's office.
Chairman Dodge?

Yes. Okay.

That was Dodge.
He wants to see you pronto.

So we still haven't
lost our touch.

Asi.

He should be back in a moment,
Congressman Johnson.

[Thomas]
Oh! They're here now.

- We haven't met. Eli Hawkins.
- How ya doin'?

Brother Eli. Yeah. All right.

- All right. Thomas Johnson.
- Yes, I know. The Florida upset.

Now that you're here,
what are you gonna do with it?

You gonna feather your own nest, or are
you gonna make something of your office?

Hey, I'm gonna be as good a congressmen
as anybody else up here, all right?

Exactly what does that mean?

Well, uh, ever since
I got back from, from 'Nam...

I personally wanna do something
about the rain forests.

Well, do me a favor. Don't tell me.
I've just had my lunch.

Eli, you're gonna have to excuse us. Thomas
and I are late for a meeting. Come on in.

What's his problem?

Uh, Mr. Chairman, I have been meaning
to ask your advice about something.

I'm always available
to a young man from my state.

Great. It's about
committee assignments.

Now that's interesting. That's just
the thing I had in mind. Go ahead.

For the last two days,
I have been getting approached...

by a bunch of chairmen
from different committees.

I've been approached by the people
from Foreign Affairs.

I've been approached by the people
from Ways and Means and Armed Services.

They all want me on their committees
and I don't know why.

- I'll be damned!
- You can understand my dilemma, 'cause it's like,

with Foreign Affairs, you get to
fly off to Paris whenever you want.

With Armed Services,
they got bases all over the globe.

Son, are you familiar with
my committee? Power and Industry?

Oh, yeah. But, uh, it's not as well
known as these other committees.

Well, maybe not, but you've
been very frank with me.

I'm gonna be
extremely frank with you.

These other committees,
they're nickel-and-dime stuff.

Power and Industry,
think of what we cover.

Energy, transportation,
insurance, the environment.

Hell, son, there's no better
committee on the Hill.

That is, if you're interested
in fund-raising.

I am, very much. It's just that these
other chairmen made pretty strong cases.

These other chairmen
aren't from your home state.

Hmm.

They're not offering
to take you under their wing.

- Look out for your future.
- And you are?

Hell yes, I am.

Oh, well, I'm very flattered,
Mr. Chairman.

Dick.

- Well, I'm very flattered, Mr. Dick.
- No, no, no, no.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Chairman Dick.
- No, Dick. Just Dick.

- Oh, Dick. Just plain old Dick.
- Yeah.

Fine. I know you don't get something for
nothing. What do you want from me, Dick?

[Chuckles] Well, son,
I want an able lieutenant.

And I want you to smile
for the cameras.

Skeeter, you know Thomas Johnson,
the new member of the committee?

Thomas, this is
Barclay Warburton.

- How are you, Barclay?
- Skeeter, please.

- Been called that since boarding school.
- Oh, sorry, man.

- Cheers.
- Yeah, cheers. Skeeter.

Thomas, please. Been called that
since reform school.

This EPA oversight hearing of the committee
on Power and Industry will come to order.

I would like to welcome
our first witness,

the distinguished administrator
of the Environmental Protection Agency.

But before I do, I would like to note
that we have a new member joining us today.

The distinguished gentleman
from Florida.

[Photographer] Congressman Johnson?
Sir, can we get a shot, please?

- Thank you.
- How am I doing?

Great. Great.

Well, Mike, enjoy
those hors d'oeuvres.

[Indistinct Chatter]

Hi. My name is Miss Loretta,
and I'd like it...

very much if you'd sign
one of these little name tags.

That would be just nice.

It's an informal breakfast. You give us
your point of view, we give you, uh,

bacon and eggs
plus a $2,000 honorarium.

For your favorite charity,
of course.

The Thomas Jefferson Johnson
Foundation.

Oh, okay. An honorarium.

I like the way that sounds.

[Man] Excuse me.
Nice to see you.

[Thomas]
Excuse me a second.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- How are you? Very nice to meet you,
Miss Celia Kirby. - Good, thank you.

It's a extremely beautiful name
for an extremely beautiful woman.

Well, my, that was very smooth.

You know, after about ten hours
straight on my feet,

making small talk, breathing in
that cheap cigar smoke,

that is exactly the kind of line
I'm ready to fall for.

- [Chuckling] Slow down, okay?
- Sure.

Tell me, which one of these guys
is Congressman Johnson?

- You're looking for the congressman?
- Yes.

How would you feel if I told you
I was the congressman? Aha!

- Oh, duh!
- I'm so sorry.

Would you give me two seconds to take
my foot out of my mouth, please?

Take all the time you need.
Can we start over again?

Yes, Celia Kirby,
Legislative Director of Pro Bono.

Celia kirby from Pro Bono!
Very nice to meet you.

- Yes.
- Would you tell me something?

Are all the pro bonettes
as fine as you?

Pro Bono is a public interest
research and advocacy group.

I'd be delighted to brief you
on our priorities this session.

Do you think, perhaps, I could call
your A.A. and be put on your schedule?

- Call my A.A.?
- Yes.

No, you don't have to call my A.A.
Why don't we do this?

Why don't we, say now, go out to
dinner? You can brief me at dinner.

I'd like an appointment,
Congressman, not a date.

We could write it up
as an appointment,

but we'll have, like,
flowers and dinner,

a mandolin, and it'll be
a "floral" appointment.

It was a pleasure to meet you, Congressman.
I will be in touch with your staff.

There's one other thing.
I'm particularly interested...

in hearing your view on extending the
sexual harassment law to include congressmen.

Oh. I get it.

Can we turn the A.C. down, please?

Thank you.

Uh, I have a confession to make.
I don't know very much about poultry.

But I do know people,

and I like you people.
I really do.

And if you people come to me
and you say to me...

that you have something to say
important about poultry,

I'm gonna listen.
Thank you very much.

Thank you for seeing us.
We won't take up much of your time.

- This is Ira Schecter, our research director.
- Hi, Ira, how are you?

This is Mr. Reinhardt.
You remember him?

Come sit next to me
and have this chitchat.

I've been dying to talk to you
about these issues.

Sit, everybody, sit.
Come on.

- All right.
- We can take as long as we want.

Congressman, you do have
several people waiting.

- No, no, they can wait.
- They can wait.

What are you doing standing, Ira?
Sit down, Ira!

Uh, sure.

Well... [Clears Throat]
These are issue papers.

- Ah.
- This session we're targeting child safety,

auto insurance premiums
and food additives.

Certainly, as the votes come up, you'll
be hearing plenty from the other side.

We simply would like a fair shot
at making our case too.

- Absolutely.
- Absolutely.

Okay, now, let's talk about car
insurance. What are you paying, Ira?

- Me? Oh.
- [Thomas] Yes.

Uh, well, I have an '82
Dodge Dart and, uh,

I pay about $650 a year,
or so.

Six hundred fifty dollars?
Man, that's highway robbery.

A chop shop wouldn't give you more
than 230 on a junker like that.

Or so I've heard.

Hey, look,
I'm flying blind here.

What we need to do is for you
to put together a little package.

Put a package together
for me and we'll sit down.

We'll block aside two Saturday evenings
and we can discuss it then.

Well, I don't see any problem
with arranging that.

Once again, you've been more than
generous with your time, Congressman.

What are you doin'? I clear my whole calendar
and you're in and outta here in five minutes?

Look, sit down.
We haven't discussed child safety yet.

Ira, sit. I'm gonna slap you.
Sit. Come on, down. Sit down!

Let's finish talking.
Let's talk about child safety now.

This is an important issue.
Child safety.

Well, we are sponsoring a bill imposing
safety standards on imported toys.

Great. I hate imported toys.
Hate 'em.

I wish they didn't exist.
Especially those little baseball men...

with the springs in their neck that do
this. What is that? Fuck that, right?

- Fuck that.
- [Thomas] Yeah, I hate that.

Why don't we do this? Like I said,
put the package together.

We'll block aside a couple of Saturday
evenings and we can discuss it...

- And you can take me through
all the ins and outs. - "Ins and outs"?

I'd like to do
more money for you,

but first I've got to get
your positions on a few issues.

Now where are you
on sugar price supports?

- Sugar price supports.
- Hmm?

- Where should I be, Terry?
- Shit, it makes no difference to me.

If you're for 'em, I got money for you from
my sugar producers in Louisiana and Hawaii.

If you're against 'em, I got money
for you from the candy manufacturers.

- You pick.
- Let's say... for.

Yeah, for. For.

How about putting limits
on malpractice awards?

Oh, you tell me.

If you're for 'em, I got money from
the doctors and insurance companies.

If you're against 'em,
I got money from the trial lawyers.

- Let's put you down as against.
- Yeah, you know what? Put me down for against.

How about pizza?

Oh, no, this salad
is gonna be enough for me.

Not for lunch, old buddy.
For PAC money.

You thought I was serious?
I was fuckin' with you.

- Well, you are. You are!
- Fuckin' with you. Uh, duh!

Terry, tell me something.

With all this money
comin' in from both sides,

how could anything
possibly ever get done?

It doesn't.
That's the genius of the system.

[Thomas, Terry Laugh]

Hey, baby, put down nuclear
power for ten G's.

Mambo!

[Loretta] Cool! Yeah, the congressman's
gonna be out your way next week.

Mr. Willie? Congressman Johnson
calling. Can you take his call?

Thank you. Please hold.

A-one, a-two...

Yes, Mr. Brown.
Uh-huh, on the 30th.

We were wondering whether
you aerospace people...

might want to lay on a luncheon
so that you can hear his views.

I'm sorry, Mr. Willie.
He just picked up another call.

I know why he was calling you. He hasn't
heard from you about his fund-raiser.

A thousand dollars a head?
A whole table!

Lovely. Yeah.

Well, now, what kind of a contribution to
his foundation were you folks thinking about?

Now, we'll have a little
huntin' in the morning,

little fishin' in the afternoon,

clean air, beautiful scenery.

All to work up a good appetite,
'cause we got a fine French chef...

back at the lodge
flown in special.

Oh! That's very, very nice.

- You don't want anything from us?
- We would enjoy the opportunity...

to share our views.

You see, we feel that the semiautomatic
weapon's gotten a bad rap.

Now, the gun control nuts try to make
out that they're for drug dealers only.

But, uh, really, they're just guns
for the ordinary sportsman.

[Chuckling]
Nothin' like a nice, warm Uzi.

[Duck Call Quacking]

[Duck Call Continues]

[Quacking]

Yee-hee!

Must have had a heart attack.

Aaah!

And according to the 1988 study,
it showed eight per 100,000.

- Am I losing you on these mortality rates,
Congressman? - No, not at all.

I was, uh, I was just wondering
how much of this is a statutory problem,

- And how much of it is a regulatory one.
- Mmm, mm-hmm.

- Didn't the Merton Act cover most of this?
- Excellent point.

Excellent point.
Let me check something out.

Excuse me.

You're absolutely right.

Maybe we could get them
to amend Merton.

Oh, get 'em to amend it.

Yes!

Get 'em to amend it, huh?
Well, "For Merton to apply,

you have to show high contagion.

It sounds to me like
your contagion... rates...

are no higher
than the common clod."

"Cold." "Common cold."

Excuse me a second. Arthur!

- Ow!
- What were we talking about?

How'd you wind up hustling for pro bono
instead of pesticides anyway?

- 'Cause you could have
been a big-time lawyer.
- I was for a while.

- But it depressed me. - What could be depressing
about makin' $100,000 a year?

- I know you gotta get sick of losin' all the time.
- Of course I do.

Mainly it makes me angry,
and the anger keeps me going.

Of course I'd like to win a few
and I'm not allergic to money either.

- So why are you doin' it?
- Hey.

It's so embarrassing to come
right out and say why I do it.

- Why?
- It's embarrassing for me to say.

- I just feel...
- Stop! What?

Meaning!

My life has to mean something.

So now I have a question for you.

I'd like to know how you
got named after a memorial.

Oh.
[Chuckling]

My grandmother liked Jefferson. You know,
"life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

You know,
old black folks' thing.

There's a lot to live up to, so I
kinda specialize in one portion of that.

That's the pursuit
of happiness.

- And how's it going?
- Um.

- Honestly?
- Mm-hmm.

I was goin' real good
'til I met you.

Now, the better I do,
the worse I feel.

Isn't that strange?

Mmm, when can I see you again?
Let's go to dinner Saturday night.

- How about Sunday morning?
- Oh, oh, brunch?

The wages of sin is death!

And to the man who values
gold over goodness,

the Lord allows no exemptions.

- [Congregation] Amen.
- Amen.

And to the man
who shows no respect...

for the privilege
of walking this Earth,

the Lord allows no deductions.

- Amen.
- And to the man whose pockets are bulging...

and whose soul is empty,

the Lord grants
no 90-day extension.

And when the last trump sounds,

believe me,
you will be audited.

This is a wonderful date.

Oh, darling,
I'm glad you could make it!

Oh, I love that sermon,
Uncle Eli.

This is your uncle?

Yes, my niece tells me you're
not half as slimy as I thought.

That puts you somewhere between a lizard
and a toad. Quite a step up, huh?

Thank you very much.

Forgive me for staring. I don't know
how I missed the family resemblance.

She's you in a skirt.

[TV Announcer]... trailing by 13
as we begin the second half.

[Man] Yeah, I guess we're
all bringin' our wives.

Al, you gonna bring your wife,
ain't ya?

[Al Chuckling]
You bet.

[TV Continues Indistinct]

Uh-huh. Uh.

[TV Continues Indistinct]

Oh, I slipped.

- Ellie.
- How ya doin', Thomas?

I need your help
on the ethics bill, Leon.

- I want you to cosponsor my amendments.
- You make a persuasive case, Eli.

But that wasn't a yes.

I promise to give it
the attention it deserves.

- Better luck next time, son.
- Yeah, man, you're so good. He's so good.

He took $600 off you
that last hand, didn't he?

- He took a real shinin' to me.
- If I didn't know any better,

I'd say you lost to him
on purpose.

There's nothin' wrong with lettin'
the head of the ethics committee...

roll ya every now and then.

You know, you're gonna fit in
real good around here. Too good.

How come you never ask me
to help you out with your amendments?

Oh, come on, Thomas.
Give it a rest.

Everybody knows
you're Dick Dodge's boy.

Hey, man, I ain't
nobody's boy, all right?

Don't waste your outrage on me.
I know what ya are.

- I am no different than anybody else up here,
okay? - That's not true.

You see, some people here actually do
something besides saving their own ass.

You know, just then you
reminded me of my father.

Did I really? How so?

He used to say I was a scumbag too.

[Bell Ringing]

Aren't you going to vote?

Is that what that means? You know, all
this time I've been listenin' to that shit,

thinkin' it was time for
Final Jeopardy or somethin'.

[Chuckling]

[Indistinct Chatter]

- [Thomas] Excuse me.
- Excuse me, Congressman.

- I'm Mrs. Koslowski.
- Hi, I'm leaving.

We were just learning how a bill
becomes a law. Was that a vote?

Yes, that was a vote in there.
Oh! Oh!

Yes, that was a vote.
A vote was made. Bye-bye.

- And what did you vote?
- Ah, I voted nay.

It was a terrible bill and it would have
destroyed the fabric of American life.

What was the vote on?

[Chuckling]
Rafe!

Rafe, will you talk to these nice
people. Explain to them about the vote.

Well, it was a motion on the
previous question on the rule.

No, it was a motion
on the recommitment...

of the rule of the motion
of the previous question.

- Which means?
- Clean air.

School lunches.

Ah, you see the difficult choices
we have to make here, kids,

between clean air
and school lunches, okay?

That's why I want to be the education
congressman. See, 'cause I feel...

that American students should be able to
eat lunch and breathe at the same time.

And I see an America where
there's no such thing...

as a student
who is below average.

And I think it is wrong when students
have to stay up late at night...

and miss all the good shows
doing homework.

Then get up early in the mornin'
and go to school.

This sort of thing just is not fair.

[Cheering]

- Uh, good morning. May I help you?
- Yes, I'm Ellen Juba.

- This is my daughter, Mickey.
- Hi.

We'd like to see our congressman.
We live in the district.

Just a moment, please.

Ah, could you come out?
Thank you.

Be right with you.
I like your hat.

How do you do? I'm Miss Loretta,
public liaison for the congressman.

Ellen Juba, my daughter, Mickey.
We'd like to see him.

Y'all from the district?
Up here seeing the sights?

How'd you folks like some gallery passes?
Go listen to the great debates of our day.

We don't wanna go to the gallery.
We wanna see Congressman Johnson.

Well, how about a house key ring?
For each of you?

Here, see that? Isn't that
something? Turns into a pen.

I don't think you understand.
We're not tourists. We're constituents.

You're not with some organization,
are you, honey?

I'm a goddamn citizen.
Isn't that enough?

Do you have an appointment?

No, I do not have an appointment, because
y'all keep givin' me the runaround.

Well, I'm sorry, but the congressman
is a very busy man.

Now, if you'd like to discuss it
with me, I will personally...

go over the issue with him
and get a letter out to you.

We're not leaving here
until we see him.

Armando, would you come out front?
We have a situation.

You stop palming me off
on your flunkies.

Are you gonna go in there
and tell him we're out here...

or am I gonna go in there
and tell him myself?

- Excuse me, may I help you, please?
- Yes, you can.

- I would like to see my congressman, please.
- He's not here today.

- I bet he is here. Excuse me.
- No, no, please, lady.

- No, you just let me by!
- No, don't push. Okay. Ya! Ya!

- [Indistinct Shouting]
- I am sick of this! I am fed up!

- I have every right! Let go of her!
- Hey!

Oh, baby.

Come on, Mama. Let's go.

Hey.

What happened to you?

The doctor says they got it all.
I'm gonna be okay.

I was lucky, but,
but there are others.

- What others?
- Other kids. They call it a cancer cluster.

At first, none of us in the neighborhood
wanted to believe it.

But then we all saw it.

For me, it was when the two-year-old
across the street...

developed a brain tumor
same as Mickey's.

We looked at everything:
the water, the air, dump sites.

Insects, you name it.

And then we realized it was
starin' us right in the face.

- What?
- Power lines.

High-voltage power lines.

The wires cause magnetic fields
and the magnetic fields cause cancer,

especially in children.

I've never heard anything
like that in my life.

Why don't you just
come see for yourself?

[Children Laughing]

- This is Mickey's school?
- Uh-huh.

It turns out a lot of schools
are near power lines.

Land's cheap, so schools tend
to buy it from the power companies.

We're nobody, Congressman.
You're somebody.

- We need your help.
- [Sighing]

Will you excuse me
for a second? Come here.

- Is this real?
- That depends on who you ask.

Some people say it's worse
than asbestos or breast implants.

Others say it's coincidental.

Well, you. What do you say?

I think it's very suspicious that the
White House would kill an EPA report...

saying that power lines
probably cause cancer.

- They did that?
- Yes.

[Sighing]

Well, I gotta do somethin'
to help these people.

Don't tell me you're actually
developing a conscience.

Oh, God, I hope not. It'd be
a fuckin' nuisance in Congress.

But if I were,
what could I do to help them?

This goes beyond personal tragedy.

It goes to a public health hazard
of unknown proportions.

It goes to the right of the ordinary
people to know all the facts!

Yeah, people ought to know if
the neighborhoods are killing them.

Amen, gentlemen.

Amen! And what a fine effort it is.
I'm totally sympathetic.

Congressional hearings should
be scheduled just as soon as possible.

The American people
deserve no less.

Message: we care.

Turn this way, please.

- Right here, sir. Great!
- Over here.

[Thundering]

Cheers.

You know, son,
you're a real comer.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised
if you ended up in the leadership.

I'll say this,
if I were speaker,

I'd sleep better with you
as a lieutenant.

Thank you very much, Mr. Chairman.
I'm surprised to hear you say that.

'Cause I really honestly didn't think you was
gonna go with me on this power lines thing.

- But I'm not.
- But you said you're sympathetic.

Well, of course I did. We're all
sympathetic to little girls with cancer.

But I'm not sympathetic
to holding a public inquiry.

- You just said...
- I know what I said.

But sound bites
aren't sworn testimony.

Now look, son, it's great to get
your name in the newspaper.

Let 'em know you care.
Very smart move, Thomas.

But that's as far as I
would go with this if I were you.

[Intercom Buzzing]

Yeah? Oh, fine, fine.

No, no, no, send 'em in.

We've got some unexpected visitors.

- Hope you don't mind.
- Oh, hell, no.

Sure, great.

[Laughing]
Mr. Chairman!

Olaf!

- Hello, Terry.
- Evenin', Mr. Chairman.

Thanks for tak...
Thomas!

They let you in here,
you S.O.B.?

You folks finally gonna
get to press flesh. Olaf!

Come and meet Thomas Johnson.
Thomas, Olaf Andersen.

- Chairman, Gulf Coast Power.
- Glad to meet ya, son.

They tell me you got
a real talent for the game.

This is Zeke Bridges, CEO,
Superior Mutual Insurance.

Som-bitch.

- Oh, you two know each other?
- Ah, no, we haven't met.

But I know a great deal
about the man.

We share a common interest
in international affairs.

Swedish in particular.

Oh, another Rolex. I collect these.
Mine's a slightly older model.

Can I have a double bourbon,
please?

It is very nice finally
meeting you, Mr. Bridges.

Yes, it's nice to meet you,
Congressman.

Thomas and I were just talkin'
about, uh, power lines.

Man, I think we oughta
have those hearings.

Well, now look, Thomas, why don't
we get, uh, Olaf's take on this?

Well, it's tragic.
Cancer's a terrible thing.

But there's no way you
can link it to power lines.

- The truth is...
- Wait a minute, there have been studies...

Every study that says one thing,
I'll show you a study saying another.

We've studied this ourselves.
Nada.

What if all you guys
are wrong?

Thomas, do you want us
to move the power lines?

You know how much it would cost to bury
those things in Florida alone?

- We're talkin' $5 billion.
- Not counting the liability claims.

How would you like
the people in your district
to think of you as the fellow...

who tripled
their electric bill?

I just thought that if
we had the hearings...

Think for a moment, chum.
You hold your hearings.

Overnight, everyone who
lives near a substation...

will find the value
of his home in the toilet.

- You'll kill the real estate market.
- You'll kill the insurance companies.

- You'll kill the school district.
- You'll kill the local economy.

[Thundering]

Son, system ain't perfect.

But the fleas come with the dog.

Maybe I should
think about it, huh?

- Atta boy.
- [Clearing Throat]

Oh, Thomas, on a completely
different subject here.

You haven't set up
a state PAC yet, have ya?

'Cause I'd be happy to start one off
with a contribution of, say, 200,000.

No strings attached.

Natch.

- You were beautiful, Olaf.
- No, you were beautiful, Dick.

- No, you were beautiful, Terry.
- To the mutual aid society.

- Hey.
- Hi.

So? Are the Jubas
gonna testify? Hmm?

When's the committee
holding hearings?

Um, actually, I think the, the hearings
might be postponed a little bit.

What's Dodge pulling now?

Nothin'. It's actually kinda good,
'cause now I get to, you know...

Get to round up some other members
and get my ducks in a row and...

[Laughing]

- You shafted me on the ethics bill!
- Hey, Eli!

You just missed a good one.
Wait a minute, that reminds me.

- Same two old men on a park bench...
- It's a closed rule!

I can't get my amendments on the floor!
I can't get a recorded vote.

I can't get squat!

This is not the rules committee.
This is the steam room.

This is the U.S. Congress. The American
people deserve better than this!

You know what your problem is, Eli?
You've got "sermonitis."

[Laughing]

Now, why don't you just relax?
Have a massage.

I've got news for ya, Dick.
I'm gonna run against you for speaker.

I'm gonna make this
whole race boil down...

to whether we want a sleaze like you
in the speaker's chair.

I'll bet ya $100
you don't get ten votes.

[Sighing]
I'm gonna be your shadow, Dick.

Every member ya strong-arm,
every reporter ya background,

every talk show ya go on,
I'll be there.

Five votes!
Nobody likes to hear a sermon.

I may not have a rat's ass
of a chance to beat you,

but I sure as hell
can let the world know...

what you stand for.

I went too far with him.
I know it.

- Now you know him pretty well, don't you?
- I wouldn't say I knew him well.

Oh, come on, Thomas,
you're seein' his niece.

- Hell, you've been out to his damn church.
- How do you know that?

Because I keep my ear
to the ground.

Now, Thomas,
he'll listen to you.

I want you to go make
the peace between us.

Tell him we'll work something out
with his amendments.

Not a vote, I won't go that far. But at least
he'll get to say his peace from the floor.

Just get him off of my back.

- Another round?
- Yeah, why not?

To the honorable Dick Dodge.

Hey.

By the time I'm finished with him,
he won't be speaker.

He'll be lucky
if they don't indict him.

Eli, people do things that they regret,
man. People make mistakes.

- Dick's been under a lot of pressure lately.
- Come on!

Thomas, you're
Dick Dodge's yes-man.

I am not a yes-man.
When Dick says no, I say no.

I know what you're up to.
He's scared and this is damage control.

Yeah, well, you know what?
This town...

It isn't about
passin' laws anymore.

It isn't about
doing good anymore.

All it's about...
is bein' here.

[Loretta]
Well, as I live and breathe.

- Hey, cuz.
- Hey.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is
Miss Loretta Hicks from my staff.

- This is Congressman Hawkins.
- Pleasure to meet you.

Oh, would you like a drink?

You know, you two look like you
could use a designated driver.

- Oh, good samaritan.
- Praise 'em.

[Dispatcher] Number 22,
I got a pickup at the Regency,

going to National.

You want a girlfriend?

[Dispatcher]
Eighteen, Union Station.

Shit!

[Indistinct Yelling]

[Indistinct]

Oh, shit.

Yeah, I need
an ambulance right away.

[Telephone Beeping]
Hello?

- It's somebody called Thomas Johnson.
- Oh.

- What's wrong?
- I went out with Hawkins.

We got in an accident.
He's out cold. I'm okay though.

- Were you driving?
- No, it was Miss Loretta.

- The girl from your office?
- Yeah. Hey, look, man.

I don't like the way
this looks for anybody, okay?

You said you wanted to get back in Hawkins'
good graces. This is your opportunity.

All right. Now you listen
to me very carefully.

I want you to tell the ambulance
to take you to Walter Reed Hospital.

It's a privilege they extend
to congressmen. They'll keep it quiet.

I'll handle the police and you go home.
Keep your mouth shut.

[Beeping]

- [Ringing]
- What? What? What?

Hello? Hello?
Mr... . Mr... . Mr. Chairman?

Um, um, um,
no, no, no, no, sir.

No, no, I'm,
I'm, I'm a night owl.

Uh-huh, um...

Oh, my God,
is, is he all right?

G-Good, good, good.
Um, and, and Eli and Loretta?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

That's brilliant,
Mr. Chairman.

No, I'll call the morning shows and
leak the information. They'll eat it up.

At the top of the news,
Maryland Congressman Elijah Hawkins...

is in satisfactory condition
at Walter Reed Hospital...

after an overnight accident
in the district.

That's right, Laura. Hawkins
reportedly had alcohol in his blood.

Also slightly injured was
an unidentified woman whom police say...

is linked to a phone-sex
operation in Florida.

- Shit.
- Linda, Congressman Hawkins?

That's Reverend Hawkins,
isn't it?

Right you are, Laura. And how this plays
into his longstanding campaign...

to reform congressional ethics
is now anyone's guess.

I'm trying to find
Reverend Eli Hawkins.

[Nurse]
Let me check for you.

Yes, he's right around
the corner there.

Stay away from him.
Stay away from me too.

- Celia, listen, we were set up.
- We were set up?

You were in the car. I didn't hear
your name mentioned on the news.

- Somethin' stinks here.
- It sure does, and guess who it is, Thomas?

You don't give a damn
about anything, do you?

To think the other night
I actually thought you cared...

- About somebody other than yourself.
- You know how I feel about...

Not me! You jerk!
Mickey Juba.

You caved on the power lines,
didn't you?

Don't even answer because I know
you did. What'd you get for it?

- Are you gonna let me talk?
- Get the hell outta here.

Get out!

[Thomas]
Hattie! Hattie Rifkin?

- Oh, rifkeleh!
- Don't rifkeleh me, you momzer!

- What the hell do you want?
- Hattie, I wanna talk to you.

I've heard that before,
Mr. Name-You-Know.

Hattie, I know you got me elected and I
forgot your name in the mornin'. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but I really, really,
really... I really need you.

So talk.

Why are we meetin' here,
Thomas?

Trouble at the office?

Well, Dodge says he keeps
his ear to the ground.

But I know that's bullshit.
He has an inside man.

- Reinhardt?
- Yes.

- Let's whack him.
- Hey, this ain't Scarface, all right?

You got a plan?

Big con.
Dick Dodge is the mark.

- Dick Dodge? - Aren't we getting
out of our league here, man?

This guy's been doin'
the big con for over 30 years.

Mmm, cuz, these politicians,

these are some serious slick fish.

Wait a second. Is everybody
goin' soft here all of a sudden?

Are you all a bunch
of fuckin' incumbents now?

Listen, Thursday, Dick Dodge
is at the arts caucus, all right?

I need to know how long it takes
to get from there to the EPA building.

All right, Armando?
Okay, now.

Loretta, get some information
on the EPA and give that to the roper.

I got a list of equipment
I want you to go get.

- Crazy, baby.
- Hey.

Don't we need a new roper? I mean, hey,
look, everybody around here knows our faces.

- [Car Horn Honking]
- Speak of the devil.

- My man!
- What up, T?

- Homer!
- What's up?

Hey, Dick.
Eli Hawkins got his tail...

- Caught in a crack, huh?
- He did.

- And you kept my name out of it?
- I did.

- So I owe you?
- You do.

This hearing of the committee on Power
and Industry will come to order.

[Dodge] The health
of America's insurance industry...

Hey, come here. Somethin' came up.
I got a call from an EPA guy.

Said he heard how fast
I bailed on the power lines.

He's got something
really hot for me.

He wants to meet me outta the office,
after business hours, like tonight.

[Thomas]
Mr. Whitney?

You said you'd be alone.

What is he doin' here?
What is he, a cop?

You wearin' a wire?
You wearin' a goddamn wire?

Relax, Mr. Whitney,
I'm not wired.

Yeah?

Well, let's see.

I know you got it.
I just gotta find it, that's all.

- Get your hands off me!
- Hey, man, I told ya he's okay.

He's not wired.
Look. He has no wire here.

No wire. You can trust him.
Look at this guy.

He's got fire engines on his drawers.
This is a good man. Now cool it. Just relax.

Is this gonna be
something we can use?

Your friends at the power company
would be very interested.

- Talk to me.
- All right.

The White House
is putting heat on the EPA.

Now we're gonna announce
a major investigation...

on the relation between power lines
and cancer clusters.

Mrs. Dodge, it's Arthur Reinhardt.
May I please speak to the chairman?

[Woman On Intercom]
Mr. Andersen? Mr. Bridges is on one.

Zeke!
How in the hell are ya?

[As Zeke] I'm madder than a baptist
in a brothel, you som-bitch!

Olaf! You hear about this EPA bullshit?
Why, it could ruin Gulf Coast Power!

They're goin' ahead with this goddamn
power lines investigation.

I thought we had this settled.
They don't have any proof.

They ain't lookin' for proof! They're
lookin' for dinner and we're it!

I tell ya, I'm about as crazy
as a dog in a hubcap factory.

[Sighing]
Ah, shit.

All right, Zeke.

Zeke, I'm goin' up to D.C.
for the clean air hearings anyway.

I'll talk to Dodge.

- Ya got a second?
- Yeah.

Okay, I heard something. And I know
there's some business in it.

- I'm listening.
- EPA, launching a big investigation on power lines.

- They're gettin' a lot of pressure from the
White House. - That's very interesting.

I heard the same thing.

- Nothing gets by you, does it?
- Not much.

But thank you, son.
I appreciate your sharing that with me.

Okay, so, there's probably
something in it for us.

Thomas, if we got the EPA
off Olaf Andersen's back,

he'd be extremely
appreciative.

- So... how do we go about doin' that?
- My committee.

We audit their funding.
Hell, I got him by the balls.

- So you're just gonna rip their balls o...
- Oh, no, no, no.

Thomas, persuasion.

- Strenuous persuasion.
- Oh, now, that's allowed.

Persuasion, yes.
Intimidation, no.

But... it's a gray area.

- Who's to say which is which?
- Oh!

Persuasion. You can't rip 'em out.
You have to persuade 'em out.

Hey, Dick, is there somebody
you can call to make sure...

the EPA's really doing
the investigation?

- Of course. He oughta be in by now.
- Who?

Skeeter Warburton, of course.
Always go straight to the top, son.

Oh, a little outta
my league, Dick.

Hey.

Watch it.

Let's go!

[Hattie]
Congressman Dodge?

Oh, uh, uh, Mrs. Rifkin
from the, uh...

Silver Foxes. You remember,

America's second-largest
seniors' organization...

with members in every district
in Florida, including yours.

Oh, yes, of course. It's a marvelous
organization, just marvelous.

- Well, it's always a pleasure to see...
- I need to talk to you.

Yes, I'd like that very much, but right
now I'm in a rush to get back to my office.

- You call for an appointment. We'll get together...
- This won't take a second.

- Could I just walk ya to your office?
- Uh, well...

- That'd be fine.
- Oh, good.

If the FDA would just agree
to look at the new support hose,

we'd feel like
we made some progress.

Indeed, you know, Mrs. Rifkin, I'm
always so excited to hear your views,

but really, dear,
I've got to run.

So run,
who's keeping you?

So don't be a stranger.
Keep in touch.

[Elevator Bell Ringing]

[Elevator Bell Ringing]

[Coin Clanging]

Kimberly, can you get me
Skeeter Warburton on the phone, please?

Right away, Chairman Dodge.

- Uh, sweep for radon?
- Radon? I'm sorry, l...

I don't recall.

Do you have a work order?

Oh, no, uh,
Supervisor said, uh...

Supervisor said ain't supposed
to be no paperwork on this...

'cause something about
y'all killed some radon study.

Well, we did delete
a few minor budget items.

Hey, how's it gonna look
to the other people...

if they find out I swept your office
for radon, didn't do everybody else's?

- How that gonna look, Mr. Warburton?
- Point taken. Go right ahead.

You better step outside. I gotta spray
some nasty shit. Look at that.

Uh-huh.

Ah, Brenda? I'm stepping out
for a few minutes.

Yeah, Brenda, don't come in here, 'cause
you may get some of this shit on ya.

[As Warburton]
Ah, Brenda, I've changed my mind.

- I'm expecting a call from...
- Mr. Warburton, Chairman Dodge is on line two.

Oh, speak of the devil.
Put him through.

Afternoon, Mr. Chairman.
Skeeter here.

I need a straight answer
from you, Skeeter.

Is the White House
on your back about power lines?

- Are we off the record, Mr. Chairman?
- Of course.

I had hoped to go up to Hyannis Port
this weekend to spend time with Tish...

and do some sailing, but I don't think
I'm going to be able to because I'm...

spending a lot of time in the office writing
testimony to your committee on cancer clusters.

Well, l, uh, appreciate
your candor, Skeeter.

- Anything to be of help, Mr. Chairman.
- Bye.

[As Warburton] Ah, take off for
the rest of the week, please, Brenda.

[Dodge] I don't see
how I can help ya on this one.

This is the EPA.
This is the president.

- This is my lifeblood.
- Olaf, I see that. I see that.

But in this town
you've gotta pick your fights.

This could mean
six figures, Dick.

High six figures.

Seven figures?

I suppose a million dollars isn't too
much to insure against losin' five billion.

- Now you're talkin'.
- But how can I funnel this kind of money to you?

If that's what you want, we can find a
loophole. No one will see your fingerprints.

- No one will know?
- No one will know.

Olaf's just making a contribution
as a patriotic citizen.

- And in return for that, he's getting...
- Good government!

Exactly!
Little access, that's all.

Yes, I'm callin' from Chairman Dodge's
office on the Hill.

We wanted to be sure CNN was sending
a crew to the clean air hearings today.

No, not the new
emission standards.

We're breaking news. This is the biggest
thing since the check bouncing scandal.

This is Cynthia Leeson from
the White House press office.

My boss just wanted me to call you folks
and let you know we're going to be making...

a very important announcement
today at the clean air hearings.

No, I'm sorry, I can't
tell you that, but it's hot.

If the New York Times wants to be
the only paper in town to miss out...

on the biggest story of the year,
that's just up to y'all.

Hurry up, get into your seats.
Come on, you guys.

[Hattie] It's gonna be a great day.
Molly, next to Harry.

- Let's sit here.
- What, in the back?

- Just sit down, will you?
- All right.

- How's everything?
- Great.

You know what would be
a wonderful way for us to start?

With me congratulating you on what a wonderful
job you've been doing on the committee.

And really show our appreciation especially
on behalf of the minority community.

Well, I appreciate that, son.
Thank you very much.

I'm cutting out of here early.

[Ira]
Don't wanna run into him?

This is a mistake.
I never should have come.

I'm surprised, well, delighted
by the media turnout today.

- I had no idea that clean air was such a good issue.
- Oh, yeah, isn't it somethin'?

This meeting of the Power
and Industry Committee...

to consider the reauthorization
of the clean air act is now in session.

Today's first business is a panel
of national leaders...

in the field of utilities,
but before I welcome them,

the chair would like to yield to the
distinguished gentleman from Florida.

Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I'd like to make
a very personal statement, Mr. Chairman.

I would like to start off by saying
thank you from the bottom of my heart,

thank you for your leadership
and for your vision.

But most of all I'd like to
thank you for your courage.

Especially for your courage.

- My courage, huh?
- Yes, sir, your courage...

in exposing the corruption
that eats away at this institution.

Your courage in taking on
the special interests...

and your courage in taking
a major new step.

But l-I've done nothing new.

Nothing at all.
What are you talking about?

This is true! Because integrity
is nothing new to you, Mr. Chairman.

Integrity is second nature
to this man.

But still it's a rare public servant
who'll take on the PACs...

and the lobbyists
and the fat cats...

and side with the American family who
just want to live in safe neighborhoods...

and send their kids
off to safe schools.

Well, I thank the gentleman, but we really
must move along. If the gentleman would...

Ladies and gentlemen,
yesterday,

I had a meeting
with the chairman...

in his office
with Mr. Olaf Andersen...

of Gulf Coast Power,
and his lobbyist, Mr. Terry Corrigan.

I thank the gentleman!
But we really must move along!

The subject of this meeting...

was the possible EPA
investigation on power lines...

and the connection between them
and increased cancer risks.

Gentleman's out of order.

Now what makes
this meeting different...

from most of the other meetings
that take place in Washington...

was that the American people
were actually represented...

in the form of this.

Oh!

At Chairman Dodge's suggestion,

I videotaped the entire meeting!

Huh?

Don't ya love that?

Isn't that somethin'? Dick Dodge!
Isn't he somethin' special?

- Don't you love this man?
- [Gavel Pounding]

- Gentleman is out of order.
- Dodge double-crossed us.

- You're fired.
- Don't ya love this chairman?

[Gavel Pounding]
Gentleman is out of order!

See, he's brought dignity back to
the name Dick. No longer is it tricky.

Come on, Dick is good!
Dick is good!

- Turn off his microphone!
- Chairman Dodge!

This is neither the time
nor the place for these matters.

But you may rest assured
that the committee...

will investigate them
thoroughly.

Now, we're gonna take
a 15-minute recess.

Dick, you crazy son of a bitch,
you know we planned this.

[Crowd Murmuring]

You stupid son of a bitch!
You taped our conversation?

They are makin' 'em
kinda small nowadays.

You bastard!
You two bastards!

You think you're gonna
hang me out to dry? Bullshit!

If I go down,
you go down, Dick Dodge!

Say, do you remember that little
$300,000 you squeezed outta me...

for your voter
registration scam, huh?

What the hell was that?
Just water under the bridge.

What about the $200,000
for your phony foundation?

- Or the bundled checks my executive
put in your pocket? - Okay, now.

- Olaf. - No, no, I trusted you, Dick.
I gave you my condo in Vail.

- I gave you my corporate jet to fly all over the...
- All right...

I bought 10,000 copies of your boring,
dull-ass autobiography!

I put up scholarships
to send your kids through college.

I even hired your goddamn color-blind
wife to redecorate my office.

- Olaf! Jesus! Sit down!
- What are you doin'?

- I'm tryin' to tell you, I didn't have a goddamn thing
to do with this! - You shittin' me?

No, no, no, no!
Think! Think!

I know you got me
by the short and curlies.

What the hell would I have
to gain by sellin' you out?

I had no idea that slime bag
was tapin' us.

Excuse me. Dick?

Lighten up on the slime bag,
huh?

What's your game, Thomas?
Shakedown?

Yeah, it's a shakedown.
All right?

And unless you
wanna see this...

all over CNN,
you're gonna pay my price.

First, I want you
to call Skeeter Warburton.

I want you to tell him to launch
an investigation on power lines.

- Wha...
- Ah! There's more.

I want you to resign. You can
tell people it's for health reasons.

Most of us will believe that 'cause
we've seen you in the steam room.

Why the hell are you doin' this?

I am doing this for Mickey Juba and I'm doin'
this for Celia Kirby and I'm doin' this...

for my grandmother and about a million
other people you wouldn't give a shit about.

Who?

- Do we have a deal or not?
- Well, I guess that...

depends entirely on what's
on that tape, doesn't it?

You know what's on this tape.
This is America's sleaziest home video.

Fuck that. Let's see what you
really got on that tape.

- This is just a copy!
- Give me that!

Yo, man, it's just a copy.

[Loretta As Inga]
Maria, my hot-blooded Spanish friend.

Babette, zee Parisian pussycat,
and many others.

- So call the Girls of Many Nations.
- It's a bluff.

- At 1-900-555...
- It's a stinking, cheap-ass bluff.

[TV]
NATO.

But the question is, can we get
the shit back into the horse?

Why not? He never made
any specific charges.

So what do we do when
we go back in the hearing?

Leave that to me. You just walk
back in there lookin' dignified.

- Dignified.
- And you!

You better be very, very quiet
in there, my friend.

I got the goods on you, and it would be my
pleasure to leave tire marks all over you.

- Oh, like you did Hawkins?
- Oh, not even close.

So unless you wanna spend
the next 20 years in prison,

you keep your mouth shut.

Now, do we understand
each other here?

Yeah, we understand
each other.

Huh?

All right, let's do it.

[Man] All right, folks,
step back, please. Come on.

Clear the hallway now.
Give 'em some room.

[Indistinct Shouting]

Chairman Dodge!

Get that thing outta my face!

What is on that tape?

[Indistinct Shouting]

- Come on, let's go in there!
- Go!

By the way, Dick, I didn't
mean that about your wife.

I think she's great.

Thank you, Kimberly.

These hearings
are now reconvened.

- Without going into details,
- No problem, no problem.

I would like to make
a comment on the...

unfortunate incident
that we all just witnessed.

Now, this body...
Well, indeed our whole...

system of government
is imperfect.

It's imperfect because
it depends on people.

Human beings who make mistakes,
act in haste,

misinterpret things...

Yeah, and do things like buy
10,000 copies of your autobiography.

Which by the way is not a crime,
unless you make people read it.

- Damn it, sir, you are out of order.
- [Crowd Laughing]

Hey, hey, hey!
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!

To hell with order. The truth is gonna
come out here today, all right?

All right!
You want the truth?

Here's the truth, Congressman.

The man you see before you
is nothing but a common criminal.

He got into this House
through fraud! Now!

You want more truth, Congressman?
Here's your rap sheet.

Arrest for bookmaking,
cardsharping,

con games, mail fraud.

You know, I had hoped to avoid
damaging this noble institution.

But I can see that you have no respect
for this institution or for anything else.

There!
I dare you to respond.

[Crowd Murmuring]

Yeah, this is me.
Can't deny it.

Can't deny anything on here.
I did all of this.

Except for this thing. This woman
got her shoes back. This woman here.

But everything else on this list
is real. I did it, don't deny it.

But all of this is nothing...

compared to the shit I pulled off
right here in Washington.

And everything I did in this town
would be considered legit.

Now that is enough!
Have you no shame, Mr. Johnson?

Do you deny that just five minutes ago
you attempted to impugn the integrity...

- Of this committee...
- [Andersen On TV] You son-of-a-bitch!

- You taped our conversation!
- From a highly-respected...

You two bastards!
You think you can hang me out to dry?

[Andersen On TV] Bullshit!
If I go down, you go down, Dick Dodge!

Hey, you remember that $300,000
you squeezed outta me...

for that phony voter
registration scam, huh?

What about the $200,000
for that phony foundation, huh?

Or those bundle of checks
my executive put in your pocket.

- Olaf! Look!
- I trusted you! I trusted you!

I gave you my condo in Vail.
I let you fly my corporate jet.

No, I even bought 10,000 copies of
your boring, dull-ass autobiography.

- Olaf! Sit down! I'm tryin' to tell ya somethin'.
- What? What?

I didn't have a goddamn thing
to do with this!

- Bullshit!
- Olaf! Think!

- Order! Order!
- You...

Clear the room!
Clear the goddamn room!

I want order!
I will have order!

Come on, let's hear it
for ex-chairman Dodge!

- Come on! Put your hands together!
- Yes!

Let's hear it
for the retiring chairman!

You can do much better than that!
This man is going to jail.

Give him a big round
of applause! Come on!

[Man]
Go write a new book!

- Hey! Hey!
- Thomas!

Thomas! What the hell are you doing?
We're all gonna go to jail!

You son of a bitch!

Look what you did to your man.
Look what you did!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Yeah, you almost
got your ass whipped just then.

[Shouting]

Hold him really tight, hold him. I want to get some
good pictures while he's got color in his cheeks.

Huh! Now, smile for the cameras, Dick.
How am I doin', huh?

- That's it. - Thank you.
- Smile, please.

[Cameras Clicking]

So how does it feel
being a national hero?

Terrible. Everybody
knows my face now.

I'm finished in the line
of business I was in.

Can't exactly go into 7-Eleven
and pass bad checks anymore, you know.

- So what are you gonna do?
- Well, I got a full head of hair.

- Uh-huh.
- A famous face and pretty good bullshit.

- There's only one thing I can do.
- Congress is gonna throw you out.

Yeah, but I'm gonna run
for president.

[Giddy Chuckle]