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1
00:00:02,100 --> 00:00:05,000
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,200
(crowd murmuring)
3
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:07,500
CLIFF:
Hi, Woody.
Hey!
4
00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:09,300
NORM:
Hey, Woodster!
5
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:10,600
How was that first night
in your new apartment?
6
00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:12,000
It's great,
Mr. Peterson.
Yeah.
7
00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:14,400
It's the nicest place
I've ever stayed at.
Yeah?
8
00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:15,900
And that includes
the night in Hanover
9
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,300
I got locked in the storeroom
in the Piggly Wiggly.
10
00:00:18,300 --> 00:00:19,600
It was cold
11
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,800
and lonely, but the food!
12
00:00:21,900 --> 00:00:24,000
Anyway,
13
00:00:24,100 --> 00:00:26,700
it's no Piggly Wiggly,
but it's got cable.
14
00:00:26,700 --> 00:00:28,800
All right.
Is it furnished?
15
00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:30,400
Well, no,
but it's got this cable
16
00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:32,300
that comes right out
of the wall,
17
00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:34,400
fits right into the TV.
18
00:00:34,500 --> 00:00:35,800
I hope
it's in a safer neighborhood
19
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,200
than that last dive of yours.
20
00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:39,100
Well, no, actually,
it's a little worse,
21
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,400
but... it's got cable.
22
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:42,600
CLIFF:
Well,
23
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:44,100
if it's unfurnished,
you must be
24
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,000
getting a break
in the rent, huh?
25
00:00:46,100 --> 00:00:48,200
Well, no,
it's actually a little more,
26
00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:51,000
but you got to expect that
with cable.
27
00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:52,100
Well, whatever.
28
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:53,600
I think cable's great.
29
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:55,100
They had Robocop on last night.
30
00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:56,700
Did you catch that?
31
00:00:56,700 --> 00:00:58,900
No. The cable was
out last night.
32
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,300
(theme song begins)
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00:01:04,300 --> 00:01:07,000
� Sometimes you want to go
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00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,600
� Where everybody
knows your name �
35
00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:16,800
� And they're always
glad you came �
36
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,300
� You wanna be
where you can see �
37
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:22,000
� The troubles
are all the same �
38
00:01:22,100 --> 00:01:27,500
� You wanna go where everybody
knows your name. �
39
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:46,200
Afternoon, everybody.
40
00:01:46,300 --> 00:01:47,700
CROWD:
Norm!
41
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,700
What can I do
for you, Norm?
42
00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:52,500
Open up those beer taps
and take the day off, Sam.
43
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,600
CARLA: Here you
go, Sammy.
44
00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:56,000
Ooh, ooh,
yeah, yeah.
45
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,500
Fellas, fellas...
46
00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,200
Check them out.
47
00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:00,300
New napkins, huh?
48
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:01,300
New napkins.
49
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:02,700
What's this, huh?
50
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:05,500
Oh, look. There's some kind
of brain teaser on them.
51
00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,400
Yup. You're out of luck.
52
00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:09,200
SAM:
No, no, no, these
are not brain teasers.
53
00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:11,100
These are, uh,
trivia napkins.
54
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:12,400
Ever since
I got the bar back,
55
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,200
I've been looking
for ways to say,
56
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,600
"Hey, thank you
for patronizing me."
57
00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:19,900
Oh, Sam, I-I know you wanted
to use a great big word there.
58
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:22,700
I think that's marvelous,
59
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,100
but I believe
what you meant to say was,
60
00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:26,600
"Thank you
for your patronage."
61
00:02:26,700 --> 00:02:27,700
Really? What's the difference?
62
00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:28,900
Patronage
63
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,000
means customers.
64
00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:31,900
Patronizing is the way
one would talk
65
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:34,100
to a small, dull child.
66
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:37,700
Kind of like how you're talking
to me right now?
67
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:38,900
Aren't you cute!
68
00:02:40,900 --> 00:02:41,900
Okay, all right,
here's one.
69
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,100
(clears throat)
70
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:44,700
"What is the oldest
state capital
71
00:02:44,700 --> 00:02:46,000
in the country?"
72
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:47,300
CLIFF:
Crying out
loud, Norm.
73
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:48,900
I told you that
weeks ago!
Shh.
74
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,100
Just don't-don't
wreck it for the rest
of us, then, okay?
75
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:51,800
Providence, Rhode Island?
76
00:02:51,900 --> 00:02:52,800
Boston?
77
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,300
No. Santa Fe,
New Mexico.
78
00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:55,500
Hey!
Wow. Isn't that
fascinating?
79
00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:57,000
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
80
00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:58,100
Good old Santa Fe!
81
00:02:58,200 --> 00:02:59,300
Ancient capital of
the Conquistadors,
82
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,700
founded 1609.
83
00:03:00,700 --> 00:03:01,900
Hey, here's one.
84
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:05,500
"What civilization was
the first known to brew beer?"
85
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:06,300
Early Greece.
86
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:07,100
Ancient Rome.
87
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,300
Old Milwaukee.
88
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,300
(chuckles)
89
00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:13,600
Ancient
Egypt.
Get out!
90
00:03:13,700 --> 00:03:14,800
Hey, that's
something.
91
00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:17,100
I never knew that trivia
could be so fascinating.
92
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:18,600
Oh, hold
the phone here!
93
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:19,200
I gave you
94
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,700
that fact
months ago.
95
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,300
You said you weren't
interested then.
96
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:23,600
Well, you
know, Cliffie,
97
00:03:23,700 --> 00:03:25,600
it's different
with the napkins.
98
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,400
What's so
different?
99
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,700
Well, napkins don't
spit when they talk.
100
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,800
REBECCA:
Oh, relax.
101
00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:34,900
Woody, you
poor thing!
102
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,200
You have to
stop worrying.
103
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:37,500
You're gonna
do just fine!
104
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,300
You're going to
do a great job.
105
00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:40,500
Don't you think,
Carla?
106
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,500
I think he's
gonna bomb.
At what?
107
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,800
Beats me, but I think
I'm on pretty safe ground.
108
00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:47,700
WOODY:
I know it's just a small part
in a commercial,
109
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,300
but I don't know
if I have the skill
110
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:50,900
or the technique
to pull it off.
111
00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:52,000
Well, what do you play, Wood?
112
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:53,800
A bartender.
113
00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:56,900
(laughs)
114
00:03:56,900 --> 00:03:58,700
Woody, you are
a bartender.
115
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,900
Yeah, well, but in
this commercial,
116
00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:02,300
I have to
serve drinks.
117
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:04,100
Wood, you serve drinks
all the time.
118
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,300
Yeah, but in this
commercial, I have to
talk and serve drinks.
119
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,700
You talk and serve drinks
right here every day.
120
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,200
Oh, great, Sam!
121
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,700
Now you've made me nervous
about working here, too.
122
00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:19,100
Woody, perhaps
it would help you to...
123
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,900
to rehearse
your lines with us.
Yeah.
124
00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:22,100
I only have one.
125
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,100
(laughs)
126
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,200
I like it.
127
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:34,400
That's a very nice
line, Woody.
128
00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:35,600
Patronizing, right?
129
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,500
Now you're getting it.
130
00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:41,800
I was kind of surprised
when I got the part.
131
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,700
Said they wanted someone
with a fresh face.
132
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,400
I don't know
why they chose me.
133
00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:47,200
Oh, hey,
you're perfect.
134
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,900
Yeah. Maybe when I just
hopped off the bus from Hanover,
135
00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:51,900
but I've been in Boston
for five years.
136
00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,100
It changes a guy.
137
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,600
Hardens him,
gives him a cynical edge.
138
00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:59,600
Come on, you're
still fresh.
139
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,300
Jeepers, you think?
140
00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:04,600
Trust me.
141
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,300
Hey, Sam, would
you come on down
142
00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:08,800
to the shoot
with me and keep
telling me that?
143
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:10,000
Well, sure, Woody.
Yeah. Why not?
144
00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:11,300
NORM:
Hey, Wood,
can I go?
145
00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:13,600
Come on. I never saw
a commercial be shot
146
00:05:13,700 --> 00:05:14,800
or anything
like that.
147
00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:16,200
Yeah! Yeah,
me, neither.
148
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:17,600
You know, believe it or not,
149
00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:20,500
it's one of the few things
I don't know much about.
150
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,800
I mean, if you guys all
come down there with me,
151
00:05:22,900 --> 00:05:24,100
it's gonna look like
152
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,200
I'm some big snobby star
with an entourage.
153
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,200
All right. Well,
uh, heck with it.
154
00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:28,400
We'll just
stay here.
155
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,700
You tell us
about it later.
156
00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:31,300
No, I like the idea.
157
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:33,500
You guys can be my
people, all right?
158
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,400
Hey, hey.
Yeah.
159
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,500
I got another idea.
160
00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:37,900
We'll all stop at the mall.
161
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,800
We'll pick up satin jackets
and matching sunglasses.
162
00:05:39,900 --> 00:05:41,700
There you go.
163
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,100
Come on.
164
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,500
(laughter)
165
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,000
That door's not just
gonna open itself.
166
00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:48,500
Oh, I...
I've got that!
167
00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:49,700
(whooping)
168
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,700
(indistinct chatter)
169
00:05:55,500 --> 00:05:56,800
(hammering)
170
00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:00,600
So, Jill, it's great to meet
such a talented actress.
171
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,300
Is there anything
I can look forward
to seeing you in,
172
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,200
like my shower?
173
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,900
(laughing):
You're really funny, Sam.
174
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,900
Did you ever think
of doing standup?
175
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,400
Well, there's
always a first time
176
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,700
for everything,
I guess.
177
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,700
This is spectacular!
178
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,600
Yeah, magic of the movies,
huh, Normie?
179
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,400
No. The magic of
the doughnut table!
180
00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:20,200
Look at these-- got
your, uh, glazed,
181
00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:22,300
you got your chocolate,
you got your buttermilk.
182
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,300
Hey, who sucked
all the filling
183
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,000
out of this
Bavarian creme?
184
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:28,600
Hey, you guys, guys, you got
something to write on here?
185
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,000
She just gave me her number.
186
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:32,700
Yeah. Yeah, I got one of
these, uh, trivia napkins.
187
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,400
Hey! My trivia
napkins!
Yeah, yeah.
188
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:35,700
I've been
carrying it around.
189
00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:37,000
It's kind of a conversation
starter, you know?
190
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:38,800
Go ahead, ask me the
question, Sammy.
All right, all right.
191
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,100
You guys and your precious
trivia napkins!
192
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:44,000
If you love them so much,
why don't you marry them?!
193
00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:46,100
Oh, come on, man!
194
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:47,600
Lighten up,
will you?
195
00:06:47,700 --> 00:06:49,500
Oh! And by the way,
Normie,
196
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,400
I'm the one who sucked
all the filling
197
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:52,600
out of the
Bavarian creme!
198
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:54,600
(sucking)
199
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:01,000
Guys, I'm ready.
How do I look?
200
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,100
Woody.
All right.
201
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:03,400
You look great.
Huh?
202
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,700
You got... you got, like, junk
all over your face, man.
203
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,000
Oh, pancake.
Whoa.
204
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:09,500
Is there a steam table
around here I'm missing?
205
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,400
No, no, no. Pancake
is the makeup they use
206
00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:12,600
in show business.
207
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:13,800
It's real thick
and real heavy,
208
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:15,300
and it covers
every flaw.
209
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:17,400
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Vera uses that for primer.
210
00:07:17,500 --> 00:07:18,800
Talent on the set, please.
211
00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:20,400
Oh, that's me.
I got to go.
212
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,700
Oh, hey.
213
00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:24,600
So this is Veggie-Boy!
214
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:26,900
Should I taste it first?
No, no, don't
drink that.
215
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:27,900
We sprayed it with
high-gloss latex
216
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,200
so it'll look better
under the lights.
217
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:31,000
We do it with all the
food we're shooting.
218
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:34,300
Hey, there's supposed to be a
bowl of beer nuts around here.
219
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:37,500
Sammy, you got to get these
kind of nuts for the bar.
220
00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:39,500
They slide right down.
221
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:40,800
It's great.
222
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,500
Woody, this is
your close-up.
223
00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:44,300
Jill is gonna
feed you your cue.
224
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,400
Just look her right in the
camera and say, "I like it."
225
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:48,700
I like it.
226
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:50,100
Not now, Woody.
227
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:51,700
No. I mean
I like your direction.
228
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,500
It's very forceful,
very to the point.
229
00:07:53,500 --> 00:07:55,700
Let's go.
230
00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:58,400
Veggie-Boy bartender
close-up, take one.
231
00:07:58,500 --> 00:07:59,900
(bell rings)
232
00:07:59,900 --> 00:08:01,200
Rolling.
233
00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:03,300
And... action.
234
00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:05,100
So, how is this new
drink, Veggie-Boy?
235
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:06,400
I... (laughs)
236
00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:08,300
DIRECTOR:
Cut.
(bell rings)
237
00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:12,100
Mr. Peterson made a goofy face!
238
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:13,700
I did not.
239
00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:15,700
It's my normal
expression.
240
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,000
Stop it!
241
00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:18,800
Woody, could we have your
friend wait out in the hallway?
242
00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:20,000
I didn't do anything!
243
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,500
Oh, quit looking
so goofy!
244
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:23,300
(Sam laughs)
245
00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:25,700
(bell rings)
Take two.
246
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:27,800
If you insist.
247
00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:31,600
Action.
248
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,700
So, how is this new
drink, Veggie-Boy?
249
00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:35,800
(laughing)
250
00:08:37,900 --> 00:08:38,800
I'm sorry.
251
00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:40,700
I'll go join
my goofy friend.
252
00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:43,200
What?
253
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:45,300
Oh, yeah, all right,
here you go.
254
00:08:46,900 --> 00:08:48,000
Once again,
255
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,200
action.
256
00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:52,000
So, how is this new
drink, Veggie-Boy?
257
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:01,000
I like it.
258
00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:02,300
Cut! Print!
That's it. Great!
259
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,300
(bell rings)
Let's get out
of here.
260
00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:11,700
Thanks for not being funny,
Mr. Clavin.
261
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,500
Woody, when is the commercial
gonna be on?
262
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,900
I've seen this Quincy
five times.
263
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,800
It's coming right up, Carla,
next break.
264
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:25,800
Some coroner.
265
00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:28,200
Every week,
he has to dig up the body
266
00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:30,600
to find something
he missed the first time.
267
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,600
(scoffs)
Oh!
268
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:33,800
What a surprise!
269
00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:37,400
He found a bullet
in the skull!
270
00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:39,200
Oh, quiet, everybody.
It's on. All right.
271
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,900
Turn it up,
Miss Howe.
272
00:09:40,900 --> 00:09:44,100
MALE ANNOUNCER (on TV):
...new Veggie-Boy, available
in regular and chunky.
273
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,100
JILL (on TV):
So, how is this new drink,
Veggie-Boy?
274
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:48,300
I like it.
275
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:49,100
SAM:
Hey, hey!
276
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,100
(cheering and applause)
277
00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:53,200
Hey! All right!
278
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:56,800
REBECCA:
Wonderful
performance, Woody!
279
00:09:56,900 --> 00:10:00,300
Woody, we always knew
you had it in you to
be a corporate shill.
280
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,200
Yeah. Thanks, Dr. Crane.
281
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:05,600
Thanks all of you for
throwing me this great party.
282
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,000
But it isn't over
yet, Woody.
283
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:10,800
I took the liberty of ordering
23 cases of Veggie-Boy.
284
00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:13,100
We're the first ones
in town to have it, and Woody,
285
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:17,000
first taste goes
to you.
286
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,700
Mmm.
287
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,300
Wow!
288
00:10:20,300 --> 00:10:21,600
My first
Veggie-Boy!
289
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:24,000
All right,
yeah!
290
00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:27,600
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Veggie-Boy is chock-full
of all the vegetables...
291
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,400
Oh, it's disgusting!
292
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:31,800
REBECCA:
Woody, shh, shh,
293
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,000
shh, shh! Look,
you're on channel seven!
294
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,100
I like it!
295
00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:36,300
I don't like it!
I hate it!
296
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:37,600
I like it.
297
00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:38,900
Shut up, Woody!
I like it!
298
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,300
You hate it! You're a liar--
a filthy, rotten liar!
299
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:42,700
I like it!
300
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,500
I like it! I like it!
301
00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:45,600
WOODY:
Somebody make him stop!!
302
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:46,400
I like it!
303
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:48,600
I like it!
304
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,700
I can't believe
I was just on 14 channels,
305
00:10:56,700 --> 00:10:58,800
saying I like this stuff
when I really hate it.
306
00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:01,200
No, that's, uh,
15 channels, Woody.
307
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,000
Everybody always
forgets Lifetime.
308
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,200
Woody, wait a minute now.
It can't be that bad here.
309
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,200
Let's take a look
at the ingredients.
310
00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:13,000
"Water, broccoli,
cauliflower and kale."
311
00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:16,900
Well, maybe it just sounds bad
in black and white.
312
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:26,400
Kale was not a good idea.
313
00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:36,600
Oh, Woody, Woody,
shoot, I just forgot here.
314
00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:38,200
This came for you.
315
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,200
Looks like something
from the commercial company.
316
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:41,300
Probably a paycheck.
317
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:42,600
Oh, I-I can't cash that.
318
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:43,800
I can't even open it.
319
00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:46,000
That'd be like
paying me for lying.
320
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,500
My mother always
told me that lying
321
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,100
is the worst
of the seven deadly sins.
322
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,500
Wait, wait, wait, lying is one
of the seven deadly sins?
323
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,300
CLIFF:
Yeah, of course it is.
You got, uh...
324
00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:56,900
lust, greed, bashful...
325
00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:02,100
That's the seven
deadly dwarfs.
326
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:04,800
No, Woody, hold
on a second.
327
00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:06,600
Listen, sometimes
lying can be good.
328
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:10,200
I remember when I was
playing for the Sox.
329
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:11,900
One day there was
a rumor going around
330
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,400
that a backup catcher
was about to be cut.
331
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,600
Everybody knew about
it except him.
332
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:19,600
We found out on the exact day
that was his birthday.
333
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:21,100
He came up to me
and he said,
334
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,500
"Sam is it true? Am I going
to be cut from the team?"
335
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,300
And I looked him right
in the eye and I said, "No.
336
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:27,700
Happy birthday."
337
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:29,500
And that guy went off
and had the best
338
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:30,900
birthday of his life.
339
00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:32,000
And as it turns out,
340
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:33,700
the next day he
wasn't even cut.
341
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:36,500
So it's better
that you lied to him.
342
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,800
Wow.
343
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,600
That's a great story, Sam.
344
00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:41,900
You've given me
a lot to think about.
345
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,400
Thanks.
Yeah, no,
thank you.
346
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:50,500
Sam, is, uh...
Yeah?
347
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:51,900
is that stuff really true?
348
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,100
Well, most of it. Yeah.
349
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:58,400
It wasn't the catcher,
it was me.
350
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,300
And, uh, I was cut.
351
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:02,600
And the fellas didn't have
any problem telling me about it.
352
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:07,800
But it was my birthday.
353
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:09,100
Happy birthday, liar.
354
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:12,400
Hey, Woody,
Woody...
355
00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:17,300
Where's Woody?
356
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,900
He's in the poolroom
hating himself for lying.
357
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,100
Oh...
358
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,500
I thought he'd gotten over that.
359
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:23,900
Yeah, well,
he's trying,
360
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:27,300
but somebody keeps reminding him
every five minutes.
361
00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:31,600
Hey, Pinocchio!
362
00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:34,800
It's 5:00, do you know where
your commercial's playing?
363
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,400
LILITH:
Carla, that's just
364
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,800
a little bit sadistic, isn't it?
365
00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:41,200
Yeah, but I like Woody.
366
00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:44,800
SAM:
Boy, he's really
taking it hard.
367
00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:46,700
Yeah, poor kid.
368
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,500
I really feel sorry for him.
369
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:49,900
Hey, what do you say we, uh,
370
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,200
pass the time with, uh, one
of these trivia napkins here?
371
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,900
Oh!
372
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:57,600
So you're finally, uh, starting
to enjoy these jobbies, huh?
373
00:13:57,700 --> 00:13:59,700
Yeah, I was acting like
a big baby there, Sam.
374
00:13:59,700 --> 00:14:01,500
I know you guys like
me a lot more than
375
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,400
some cheap stack of paper.
376
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:05,400
Yeah, whatever.
377
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,100
Well, this is the most
378
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:11,000
boring napkin
we've come across.
379
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:12,800
What's the question?
Well, who can tell?
380
00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:14,600
It looks as though
it was homemade.
381
00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:16,400
It looks like
some moron typed it
382
00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:18,400
on some old
manual typewriter.
383
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:21,100
How odd.
384
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:22,200
Read the question.
385
00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:24,600
This is not a napkin.
386
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,600
It's a cry for help.
387
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,100
All right.
388
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,300
So I forged a napkin!
Can you blame me?
389
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,600
I've been sitting here
for the better part of the '80s,
390
00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:36,100
trying to enliven the discussion
391
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:37,800
and broaden a few horizons
with the benefit
392
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,800
of my special brand
of my arcane knowledge,
393
00:14:39,900 --> 00:14:41,800
and then these stupid napkins
come waltzing in.
394
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,400
And then I'm out.
395
00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:44,800
Well...
396
00:14:44,900 --> 00:14:45,800
I've had it.
397
00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:47,900
It's time to make
a choice, fellas.
398
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,600
Me... or the napkins?
399
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,200
Or both.
Maybe we can alternate.
400
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,900
We can do that., yeah.
401
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,500
A round of drinks
for my friends here!
402
00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:05,800
All right.
Yeah.
403
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,100
I'd like to see
a napkin do that, huh?
404
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,800
Excuse me, could
I get some service?
Oh, yeah.
405
00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:12,000
I'm sorry. What can I get you?
406
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:13,300
What do you recommend?
407
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,200
What's the difference?
408
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,600
You wouldn't believe me anyway.
409
00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:20,100
I'm just an incorrigible liar
pumping a handcart to hell.
410
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:24,500
Woody, why are you torturing
yourself like this?
411
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:25,800
Because I deserve it.
412
00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:27,800
I lied to America.
413
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:31,400
I lied to that all-important
18- to 35-year-old target group.
414
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,200
Woody, you only feel
that you're a liar
415
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,300
because you endorsed
a product you don't like.
416
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:37,600
But what if you could
actually learn to like it?
417
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:40,800
How am I gonna learn to like
broccoli, cauliflower and kale?
418
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:42,100
Well, Wood, some things you have
419
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:44,600
to sort of develop
a taste for slowly, you know?
420
00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:47,100
All right, look, uh,
give me a beer, okay?
421
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:50,100
Now, we'll put a stalk
of broccoli in that beer, okay?
422
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,000
Now you drink the beer
and the beer taste
423
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:53,400
is gonna kill the taste
of the broccoli,
424
00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:55,700
but slowly you'll get
used to it, okay?
425
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,400
Go ahead.
We don't have any broccoli.
426
00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:01,600
Well, thanks for the beer.
427
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,800
You know, Woody,
428
00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:06,000
the way Ma got me
used to a new vegetable
429
00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:07,300
like, say, uh...
430
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,500
oh, brussels sprouts.
431
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,800
She used to put a few
in each of my pockets
432
00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:13,000
and have me, uh, walk around
with them all day.
433
00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:15,100
Well, thanks, Mr. Clavin,
434
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,200
but brussels sprouts
aren't the problem.
435
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:18,700
Well, you should
try it anyway.
436
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,300
It's a nice feeling.
437
00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:22,700
FRASIER:
Woody.
438
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,000
Woody, you know,
Sigmund Freud
439
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,900
might suggest that
your aversion to vegetables
440
00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:30,200
stems from some
early childhood trauma.
441
00:16:30,300 --> 00:16:32,600
(sputters)
442
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,700
You sputtered, my darling?
443
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,200
Honestly, Frasier,
you must be the last
444
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:39,500
psychiatrist on Earth
who hasn't abandoned
445
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:40,900
Sigmund Freud's theories.
446
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,500
What are you saying?
447
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:44,600
Merely that his
theories are outdated,
448
00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:46,300
sexist superstitions
449
00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,400
unsupported by a shred
of clinical evidence.
450
00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:51,000
You're drunk.
451
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,500
My wife is completely
smashed, blotto.
452
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:57,800
Sam, no more boilermakers
for Dr. Sternin-Crane.
453
00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,600
Frasier, I've had
nothing to drink.
454
00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:01,900
Ah, the worst
kind of drunk.
455
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:04,900
For your information,
456
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,600
Sigmund Freud has
a lot to teach us
457
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:07,800
about Woody's problem.
458
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:09,800
I daresay that if the Master
were with us today,
459
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:11,300
he would, after
striking Lilith,
460
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:13,800
tell us that Woody
is suffering
461
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:15,700
from a subconscious barrier,
462
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:19,400
easily removed by some
elemental Freudian analysis.
463
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:21,500
Well, isn't there
anything faster?
464
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:25,100
Oh, many things,
but nothing quite as lucrative.
465
00:17:26,900 --> 00:17:28,200
But if you wish
instant relief,
466
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:30,400
I suppose we could
try a little, uh,
467
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:31,700
well, posthypnotic
suggestion.
468
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,100
(sputters)
469
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,500
Another wet
objection, my love?
470
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,500
Hypnosis, Frasier?
471
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,000
Why only go back a century
for your treatment?
472
00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:47,100
Why not bleed him
with leeches?
473
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,100
Or drill a hole
in his cranium
474
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:51,400
and let the evil
spirits leak out?
475
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,100
Ignore her, Woody.
476
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,600
It's the gin talking.
477
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:57,000
Or maybe the reason
he doesn't like vegetables
478
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,100
is because they remind him
of his mother.
479
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:00,600
Ooh!
480
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,100
Hey, hypnosis, huh?
481
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,200
That's cool, Doc.
482
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,100
Sam, hypnosis is not
a parlor game.
483
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:09,400
Although last week
at a party,
484
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,800
I did get quite a few laughs
by hypnotizing Lilith
485
00:18:11,900 --> 00:18:13,800
into removing her shoes
whenever anyone
486
00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:15,100
mentioned brie cheese.
487
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:18,200
Frasier, you did no such thing.
488
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:21,500
Very funny.
WOODY:
I don't know
489
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:23,400
if hypnotism will work
on me, Dr. Crane.
490
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:25,300
I'm pretty strong-willed.
491
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:27,000
And what's she,
brie cheese?
492
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,400
Stop that.
493
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:32,600
FRASIER:
Woody!
494
00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:35,000
Let's go into the office
and watch that watch.
495
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:37,000
LILITH:
Oh, for God's
sake, Frasier.
496
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,800
First you espouse Sigmund Freud.
497
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:40,900
Now, you've moved on
to Dr. Mesmer.
498
00:18:40,900 --> 00:18:43,800
This is not
professional conduct.
499
00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:44,900
Point taken, my darling.
500
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,400
Oh, by the way,
501
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,900
is that a tambourine behind you?
502
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,600
A tambourine?
503
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:52,400
What an odd question.
504
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,700
You are in such trouble, mister.
505
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:04,900
You know, I was thinking.
506
00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:06,700
What is kale, anyway?
507
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,600
Uh, you know, some kind
of a lettuce thing
508
00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:11,000
they use in salad
bars, isn't it?
509
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:12,100
Oh.
No.
510
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:13,700
No, uh, kale is not
a green, per se,
511
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,300
but more of a family of greens.
512
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,000
See, anything
with a pungent aroma
513
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,000
and a loose head
can properly be called "kale."
514
00:19:19,100 --> 00:19:20,900
Get you another beer, kale?
515
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,900
I feel like I've been asleep
for a hundred years.
516
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,000
Did it work?
517
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:28,500
Well, there's only
one way to find out.
518
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:29,900
Sam, set us up.
519
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,600
Yeah, I got
a couple left here.
520
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,400
(chuckles)
Now watch, Lilith,
521
00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:40,100
and all the rest
of you naysayers.
522
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:42,900
So, how is this
new drink, Veggie-Boy?
523
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:50,100
I like it.
Yeah, right.
524
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:52,500
No, no, I really like it!
525
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:53,800
I love it!
526
00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:55,200
Boy, you know,
I'm not a liar anymore.
527
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,500
NORM:
All right!
Mmm.
528
00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:00,200
Oh, you can really
taste the kale.
529
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,300
You know what this means?
530
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,000
Now that I'm not
a liar anymore,
531
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:10,900
I can take that
envelope and I can cash
532
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,800
that check at the
bank and I can just
533
00:20:12,900 --> 00:20:14,900
spend it all on Veggie-Boy!
534
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,400
Whoo!
535
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:18,300
Hey, you really did a number
on him; look at him go there.
536
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,100
Woody is highly suggestible.
537
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,200
I had the mission
accomplished in five minutes.
538
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:23,400
You had him under
for two hours.
539
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,900
What were you doing
the rest of the time?
540
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,700
Just snooping.
541
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,100
We'll, uh, we'll talk later.
542
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,100
Well, I don't understand this.
543
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:34,300
It's not a check,
544
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,100
it's a letter
from the ad agency.
545
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,200
Well, what's it say?
546
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:38,500
It says that
547
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,300
"due to lack
of consumer interest,
548
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:41,500
they're discontinuing
the product."
549
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:42,700
What does that mean?
550
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:43,600
I think it means
they're not
551
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:45,500
going to make
Veggie-Boy anymore.
552
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:46,900
I guess nobody liked it.
553
00:20:46,900 --> 00:20:49,000
How could they not like it?
554
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:51,000
It's broccoli,
cauliflower and kale!
555
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,600
Has America gone mad?
556
00:20:53,700 --> 00:20:55,400
Wood, um, it's
not that great, okay?
557
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:56,200
Shut up, Mr. Peterson.
558
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,100
Don't talk bad about Veggie-Boy!
559
00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:02,200
Nice work,
Dr. Frankenstein.
560
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,800
They're stopped making it,
how am I gonna get it?
561
00:21:03,900 --> 00:21:05,900
I need my Veggie-Boy.
562
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:07,500
This is all there is?
563
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:09,800
This isn't even gonna
last me through the night!
564
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,500
Woody, let's go
back in the office.
565
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,200
I know, I know.
I can take this to a lab
566
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,100
and have it analyzed.
I can make my own.
567
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:18,400
You know, I've got a blender.
568
00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:19,700
SAM:
Woody...
569
00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:20,700
I'll move back to Indiana.
570
00:21:20,700 --> 00:21:22,400
I'll grow kale!
Woody, watch the watch.
571
00:21:22,500 --> 00:21:23,900
Get that watch out
of my face, old man.
572
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:25,300
I've got crops to plant!
573
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,200
Woody, you need my help!
574
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:29,000
I don't need your help!
575
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,800
All I need is
three tons of topsoil
576
00:21:30,900 --> 00:21:32,400
and a big, yellow tractor!
577
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:33,400
"Tractor"?
578
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,600
� The sun'll come out
tomorrow... �
579
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,800
FRASIER:
Lilith, lower your damn skirt
and watch the watch!
40872
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