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You were supposed
to repay me a week ago.

And where do I find you?

In a bar with empty pockets and
no respect for my generosity.

Hold that thought.

Two questions. Are you busy? And
how soon can you get to Bhutan?

Explain Bhutan.
And make it quick.

Something amazing
has come to light,

something
of immense value.

Wait one... I'm gonna put you
on speakerphone.

Hooten! No, I...

- I've got Alfonso here.
- Who?

I've also got Alfonso's
nearest and dearest.

- This is Alexandra and she...
- Take me off speakerphone.

...is a lady
with a key to untold riches.

- Sorry, what?
- Paint them a picture.

- I will do no such thing.
- Yes, yes, you will.

- I bloody well won't.
- Do as you're damn well told!

I'm not having a conversation
with Mr Rude.

Pretty please
with a cherry on top?

It's an ancient scroll.
A scroll that Buddha himself

may have written.
Buddha, Hooten, the Buddha.

The Buddha!

- Wait one second, hold on.
- What? No, I...

- Hey!
- Hi.

- You ready?
- Um...

What is it this time, hm?
Golden Fleece?

Icarus' wings?
My nan's ivory commode?

- Yes, the third one.
- Where?

Bhutan.

- The old girl got around.
- This is huge, Ed.

I know. When do you leave?

Hello?

Yeah, I know, I said, just wait.

I just wanted to see you
before I left.

Women!

I was saying...

How much this scroll
might be worth.

- Always about money, isn't it?
- Humour me.

Preferably
in Bolivian bolivianos.

Bolivian what? Well, obviously,

if it's what I think it is,
then it's priceless.

You hear that, Alfie?
I can go and get this scroll,

I find a buyer and
I can pay you back.

Double.

Triple?

What d'you think, boys?
Should I trust him?

Nice.

Welcome to the Land
of the Thunder Dragon.

I take it they like
their curries hot.

Hi, sorry, sorry,
this isn't a...

Relax, that's Hidalgo,
he's with me.

He can't speak, he's mute.

Look, he's wanted to see Bhutan,
he heard I was coming, so...

This isn't a sightseeing trip.

You won't even know he's here.

So, where are we headed?

Up into the mountains
to see a parchment.

So just make yourself
comfortable.

I still don't get it.

Since when did the Buddha
ever write anything down?

Do you think you could finish
what you're doing

before we continue
having this conversation?

The woman from the museum, she's
convinced this scroll exists?

- Yes, she is.
- So why call you?

Well, she has evidence
that it was in a temple

somewhere in the mountains,
but they can't locate it.

So they thought
that I might be able to help.

But we find this scroll,
we get to keep it, right?

Deciding what we do with it
is the least of our troubles.

We've got to try
and find the thing first.

I was brought up
to wash my hands

after going to the lavatory.

I was brought up
not to pee on my hands.

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll

Why are they all smiling?

Bhutan is the eighth happiest
country in the world.

They measure Gross National
Happiness rather than GDP.

Someone swallowed a guide book.

Lady Alexandra!

- Hello!
- Penny McQuinn.

Oh, delighted to meet you.

Now, how was your trip?

Never mind, you're here now.

Who's this fine gent
you brought with you?

Firstly, please call me Alex.

This is Hooten
and... Hooten's friend.

Pleasure's all mine.

When do we get
to see this scroll?

If only it was that simple.

Truth of it is,
that's sort of why you're here.

Walk and talk?

Remember the deal, we get
this scroll, find a buyer,

we sell it,
you go back and pay Alfonso.

No more firing squads,
everyone's happy, OK?

No mas shooty Hooty?

Legend has it that
the grand guru came here

to build a temple
in the mountains.

And until Bhutan
embraced modern technology,

it was impossible
to prove its existence.

- And now you have?
- Well... um...

I have good news and bad news.
Bad first?

Wait, let's go with the good.

Which is, I was recently shown
a parchment

supposedly detailing
the location of the temple.

- That's incredible.
- Which brings us to the bad.

We've used 3D satellite
photo mapping

of the area it indicates,
infrared imaging,

everything we've got.

Didn't find
a single blessed thing.

Can I see it?

I thought you'd never ask. Now,
how are you around old people?

Fine.

Good, because she's very frail,

and probably
doesn't have long to live.

Kapila, would you feel well
enough to chat to my friends?

These are the people
I told you about.

- From the British Museum.
- Hello.

When Kapila
was in her late teens,

she was engaged to be married
to a boy called Ajay.

It was Ajay
that found the parchment,

in a clay pot, in a cave
up in the mountains.

And the parchment reveals
the location of the temple?

It said it did. But Ajay
couldn't translate it at first.

Then he noticed something
that he had missed,

he got terribly excited, said
he knew where the temple was

and raced off the day
before the wedding.

No doubt he wanted to bring

untold riches
back for his true love.

Got a ball-park figure
on those riches?

The parchment, you said
Ajay saw something,

do you know what that was?

If I did I'd be halfway
up the mountain myself.

The tragedy is that Ajay
never came back.

He waits... in nirvana.

Kapila believes that the scroll
will give her entry to nirvana,

so that she and Ajay
can finally be together again.

Do you think she'd be willing
to show me the parchment now?

Of course, but it's only polite

to spend
some time with her first,

not rush in like that's the only
thing we're interested in.

Even though it is.

How are you doing?

You help me?

I'll do my damnedest.

You, you lost someone?

Yeah. Haven't we all?

But you still feel the pain.

In there, inside, it burns.

When you have known love,
you know that nothing dies.

It just goes to another place.

You want to see the parchment
that my love found?

Yeah, I'd like that very much.

Drink the tea
and I will show you.

Here.

If you take it,
you must come back.

Couldn't translate it
unfortunately.

Hooten!

I'm so sorry, he's American.

That's racist.

It is not the blowing out
of the candle.

It is the extinguishing of the
flame because day is come.

I have given him.

Now he must help me.

Is she all right?

Kapila has made sure that
Mr Hooten will be coming back.

Sorry, I don't understand.

She's poisoned his tea.

You can't let her sleep!

Wake her up, find out
what she's given me.

Penny said she's taken
some sort of remedy.

- Slap her.
- Hooten, she's 100 years old.

I don't care.
Bucket of water, electrodes.

You can't just let her
get away with this.

Mr Hooten was just enquiring

as to when Kapila
is likely to wake up.

Tomorrow? The day after?

She poisoned you, Mr Hooten,

because it's an ancient
Bhutanese practice.

It was a way of protecting
the village from strangers,

but it's evolved into a means
of manipulating others

to do your bidding.

Bring her what she wants and
she'll give you the antidote.

And you've no idea
what the poison is?

Yes, of course, yeah,
Clive's arranging evac.

Call me
when he has an answer.

I've got to go. I'm going
to call you straight back.

Storm's coming in.
Everything's grounded.

- You mean we can't get to them?
- Not for the next 48 hours.

Look, I'll get all departments
across this.

Anthropology
and the Asia specialists,

they may know something
we don't.

I'll reach out
to the Foreign Office.

You get onto
medical options.

Eighth happiest country
in the world?

Not any more!

Right, OK.

Well, do you know
how soon until it hits?

OK. Well, can you just call me
as soon as anything changes?

There's a storm on its way.

They can't fly anyone to us,
they can only send a truck.

How long
before this poison kicks in?

I'd say you have at least a day.

Don't pluck numbers out of the
sky. You have a dying man here.

Let's think rationally.
Kapila said that Ajay

left and went into the mountains
on the eve of their wedding.

That means he believed
he would have been able

to make it there and back again
within a day. Maybe even less.

I am truly sorry.

If only we knew
what kind of poison it was.

How do you people
feel about waterboarding?

I have some equipment.

No, no, I was top three
in my chemistry class.

I thought we could
run some tests on the cup

to try and find out
what poison she used.

Yes, OK, good start.
What about you and me?

I don't think we have a choice.

I'm not waterboarding
an old woman.

If this temple is a day away, we
can probably get there and back

before help arrives.
It's our best odds.

- No, you need to rest.
- Sit here and die you mean?

I don't think so.
Saddle up, Mary Poppins,

we're going to the mountains.

No, you've mixed two films to...

No, doesn't matter.

What does this say?

That doesn't actually help.

Well...

"Just as a candle
needs fire to burn,

so man needs
a spiritual life to live.

Where the thumb rises on Heart
Mountain and meets the sun,

the hand unclenches to reveal
what lies in the palm."

That doesn't help either.

Well, it's partly a quote
from the Buddha.

It mentions Heart Mountain.

And, well,
the rest is a mystery,

which is why I called Alex.

Well, then, let's go
to this Heart Mountain.

If Ajay found something,
so will we.

Let's go.

How do you feel?

Fresh mountain air, spectacular
views, slightly furry mouth...

what's not to love?

Ella? Yuck.

I spoke to the London School of
Hygiene and Tropical Medicine.

They want you to relay any
and all of Mr Hooten's symptoms

as they happen. And they can
formulate an antidote

once they identify the toxin.

Well, that's good news,
isn't it?

Yeah, so keep us updated.

Were they positive?

Er, no, the problem is...
is that they need to know now.

Because as soon as
the symptoms kick in,

then Mr Hooten is likely to die

before anyone can accurately
identify the poison

and/or deliver the cure.

Ed keeps organising things,
I keep cancelling them.

His company thinks he's made me
up, that I don't actually exist.

Can I ask you something?

Are you gonna talk all the way
up this mountain,

as I die a slow
and painful death?

Think positively!

The slower it is, the more time
we've got to find the cure.

Is there another way?

Not if we wanna get there
before I come back as a goat.

All right, we go one at a time.

OK. Who's first?

- Absolutely, you can go first.
- What?

She's got some cojones.

Hah!
Doesn't seem too bad, actually.

You OK?

Yep, fine.

Try not to break
any more of the bridge.

Other people
need to use it.

Remember, if I die,
you go back empty-handed.

And you know how
Alfonso likes a firing squad.

- What the hell?
- What are you doing?

Come on, man,
pick a bridge, any bridge.

Oh!

Keep it together.

No, no, no, it's too frail,
you can't go both at once!

Hooten, mind the... gap!

Mind the fall, big guy.

Double vision.
I had double vision.

Well, that's good.

In what world is that good?

It's another symptom. Ella needs
all of the intel she can get.

It's, it's, y'know, bravo you.

Now it feels like my larynx
is trying to strangle itself.

Just keep taking
long, deep breaths.

Even my legs are feeling dizzy.

- Argh!
- Hooten!

This was a mistake.
We should go back down.

The hell we will.

Penny said that Ajay saw
something in the parchment.

Are you all right?

Just find out whatever it is.

You are the expert, right?

I wrote a paper on the period.
So I know more than you do,

but then that's true about
most things.

Way to talk to the dead guy.

You're not dead yet.

Loving the optimism.

Right, you're shivering.
Hot or cold?

Both.

Cold's winning.

Penny's still testing the cup
that he drank from,

but we've narrowed it down to
the ranunculaceae plant family,

possibly aconitum,
but we're getting there.

Oh, and our forensic
anthropologist informs us that

most poisons derive
from those used by monks

on their arrowheads, and they
used local plants and remedies.

Clive wants a word. Yeah.

Hey. Hi.

How's Mr Hooten holding up?

I'm really worried.

High fever and shivering,
but... still with us.

Tell him to hang in there.

I promise you,
we are going to save him.

Thanks, Clive.

Come on, Alex.

"Where the thumb rises..."

Maybe he was a hitchhiker.

Not helping.

"Where the thumb rises on Heart
Mountain and meets the sun".

Hey, maybe that's it.

- What?
- The first part is from Buddha.

"Just as a candle
cannot burn without fire,

man cannot live
without a spiritual life."

It must be deliberate.
Give me your lighter.

- Give it to me, please, thanks.
- What are you doing?

Great, hold this.

- What is it?
- This must be what Ajay saw.

It's a trick
that monks used sometimes

to pass messages that couldn't
be seen by their enemies.

These are place names.
This is a hidden map.

Tell me that thumb thing again.

"Where the thumb rises on Heart
Mountain and meets the sun."

If this is a map and that's
Heart Mountain, where's the sun?

Nyi Ma. "Nyi ma" is sun. There.

So if the start point
is Heart Mountain,

follow the path towards the sun.

Not with your thumbs.

"The hand unclenches
to reveal what's in the palm."

There. That's it.
That's the temple's location.

We're less than a mile away,
we got...

No, no, it's dark,
and you need to rest.

We'll leave
first thing in the morning.

Alex, I'm seeing spots.

Let's find
somewhere safe to stop.

No, let's keep going.

This is it. This is the place.

- Do you see the temple?
- Should be here. Has to be.

Hooten,
you're too near the edge!

- What edge? Argh!
- Hooten!

- Hang on, I'm coming!
- Alex...

I'm blind.

How can
a blind man see anything?

You'd think Kapila would have
thought about that logic.

The world's happiest country?
It's the world's stupidest!

Drink the poison. Go blind.
And then find the scroll.

I'm nearly there.

Seriously?

Swing your left arm behind me.

Good, good.

- Oh...
- What?

My God, you found it. It's
the Temple! This is incredible.

This probably hasn't been seen
by human eyes in centuries!

Attagirl, rub it in.

Sorry. There are steps, Hooten.

We're going to make it.
You're going to make it!

That's the last step.

You stay there with Hidalgo.

I'll go into the Temple and see
if I can find the scroll.

Ah, Hooten, we have a problem.

I bet you've been dying
to say that.

The door has no handle.
There's no way in.

Check the surroundings. Tell me
what else is here. Hurry.

Nothing much. Some Buddhist
statues, a couple of... animals.

All right, look for...
look for a monkey.

You mean a grey langur?

What is a grey langur?

It's an Old World species of
pale-armed Himalayan primate.

- A monkey.
- A langur.

Just... just line me up
with the monkey.

You see?

This is what
you drive people to do.

Hooten!

That was centuries old!

How the hell
did you know to do that?

You didn't know the old

headbutt-the-temple-monkey
trick.

Call yourself an expert?

If this place is so secret,

there's bound to be booby traps.
What can you see?

There's a quartz wall
and overgrown water garden.

- Agh!
- You all right?

OK, sit down. This way.

OK, turn round.

Sit.

Looks like Ajay
found the scroll.

Why didn't he leave?

What's this?

Very clever.

Alex, that doesn't sound good.

Hey! Where are you going
with that chest!

Hey!

The doors have closed.

I told you, booby traps.

This is an IOU.

That's what he was doing here.

To make sure that you paid him.

Did you promise him the scroll?

It wasn't a pinky promise.

I knew you were up to something.

God! Why do I ever,
ever, listen to you?

How are we supposed
to get out now?

We can't. We have to hit the
symbol from the other side.

Oh. The one that you broke?

There must be another way out.

If there is, I'm not seeing it.

Then again,
I'm not seeing anything.

We're trapped, just like Ajay.

Penny's figured it out.
It's aconitum.

It's aconitum napellus.

Monkshood. It attacks the
gastric system, then the heart.

So she needs atropine.

Alex. Yeah, it's Clive, the
poison is aconitum napellus.

I can't hear you.
Say that again.

Monkshood! At...

Clive?

He's gone. The door
must be killing the signal.

Hooten, don't you dare die.

You're not leaving me in here
on my own.

Ben! Ben.

- Ben, I couldn't...
- Hooten! Ben? Who's Ben?

I couldn't get there.
I'm so sorry.

Ben!

My God, you're on fire.
I've got to cool you down.

This is for your own good.

Hooten.

Hooten, don't you dare die.

Hooten!

Think, think, think, Alex.

Think, think, think, think,
think, think.

Arrows...

Monks...

Plants...

Arrow poison. You stupid...

Monkshood!
That's what Clive was saying.

Atropine. Atropine,
atropine, atropine, atropine.

Belladonna!

This is called belladonna,
which has got atropine in it,

which is another poison,

which on the surface of it might
not seem like a very good idea.

The chakra
used to give it to the monks,

and told them to use it to treat
the symptoms of monkshood.

They sort of fight each other.

Hooten...

Heart!

OK...

OK...

Wake up!

Come on, you selfish bastard!

Hooten!

What happened?
How long was I out?

Quite a long time.
You were technically dead.

This is nirvana.
I came back as me.

Sweet.

I gave you something,
it's an old monk's trick,

but I think
you're gonna be fine.

These monks and their tricks.

I can explain that.

I'll look forward to it.

Is that lip balm?

I can explain that as well.

- The scroll?
- The scroll...

As far as I can tell...

Not that it will do us
much good, we can't get out.

And before you ask, yes,
I did find a lang... a monkey

and I hit it,
and nothing happened.

Where?

One there. One there.

That's it?

That's it.

What does that thing say anyway?

"Love and Eternity are
as nothing if we are alone.

Together
we shall live through death,

but each of us in our own lives
can reach nirvana

by only first showing love."

What?

I knew it.

It's not over
till the fat guy sings.

Are you still delirious?

Just stand over there.

Would you mind very much telling
me what it is we're doing?

Buddha bing, baby. It means
you have to share the love.

It takes two hearts.

You should remember that
before you marry Farquaad.

- Edward.
- Ajay was alone.

He couldn't escape
because we all need to share

our lives with someone.

That's the Buddha's message.

You can only find eternity...

If you're together.

It takes two.

The langurs, they need to be
thumped at the same time?

Hallelujah. On three.

Ready? One, two, three!

So, would now be
a good time to ask

what you did to me
while I was passed out?

- I didn't "do" anything.
- I don't blame you.

You saw an opportunity
and you took it. So you...

- So I what?
- Helped yourself.

Don't be ridiculous.

- You kissed me.
- I gave you mouth to mouth.

Which exactly describes kissing.

You could be a little bit more
grateful. I saved your life.

Look, I know
I didn't unbutton my pants.

It sure as hell wasn't Ajay.

I was trying to keep you cool.

Let me tell you something.
That wouldn't keep any man cool.

I'm not having
this conversation.

If I find out I'm pregnant...

Poor Hidalgo.

Karma, baby.

Can I ask you something?

Can I stop you?

Who's Ben?

Where did you hear that name?

Your fever.
You called out his name.

He was my son.

What do you mean "was"?

I lost him.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

What happened to his mother?

I lost her, too.

- You made it!
- We found the temple.

It's wonderful. How's Kapila?

- Come, Kapila's awake.
- Easy, I've just been cured.

Thanks to
my little button buddy here.

I used belladonna.

Quite brilliant. And the scroll?

Please tell me
that you found it.

How wonderful.

Quick, Kapila hasn't got long.

Wait, aren't we missing someone?
Your... your large friend?

Um...

You know how it is with friends.

Sometimes they come
and... sometimes they go.

What do you want to do?

About what?

Are you still angry with her?

She was doing
what she thought was right.

I suspect you're a man
who could use

all the good karma he can get.

You came back.

You made sure of that, remember?

This was in Ajay's hand.

He died holding onto it.

What does it say?

That you'll be together.

They'll be waiting for you, too.

Ella says you were amazing.

Oh, absolute tosh.

I can't thank you enough.

Nor you.

Once Kapila is buried, we'll
place the scroll in our museum.

It'll cause quite a stir.

As it will
when you loan it to us.

It sounds like we've got a deal.

Actually I envy you
your journey back.

Oh?

Your Mr Hooten
is a bit of a dish.

Is he?

Can't say I see it myself but if
you'd like to have his number...

All right, let's haul ass,
your ladyshipness.

I'll drive, so I don't have to
listen to that racket you love.

- Otherwise known as Beethoven.
- Pleasure to meet you.

Likewise. And if you're ever
in Bhutan again...

I'll make sure
I don't drink the tea.

May I?

See? That's not so hard.

Rather than waiting
for people to fall asleep,

so you can just help yourself.

I did not help myself.
Oh, you are so annoying.

You didn't say that when you had
your tongue down my throat.

I did not! I was giving you
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

- Ripping my clothes?
- Loosening your clothes.

Then there was the other thing.

Don't, Hooten!

You've got one guess.

Er, well, it's not my nan.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Are you still grumpy?
- I wasn't grumpy.

- You were livid.
- You haven't seen my livid.

How did you get on? Did you find
what you were looking for?

Which is why we are celebrating.

- Champagne?
- Um...

Beer.

C'mon.

D'you know
you've got me for eternity?

Oh, well, now I am livid.

It's always
a pleasure for me and the boys

to welcome you
back at the hacienda.

But there's one question
I've been meaning to ask you.

Are you sure you don't know
what happened to Hidalgo?

I have no idea. But like he said
in the message, I paid in full.

So if I were you,
I'd be a little more careful

who I had on the payroll.

Present company excluded
of course.

50,000.

I'll see your 50,
and I'll raise you... another 50.

You know I'm good for it.

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll