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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:26,484 Barbara? 2 00:00:30,488 --> 00:00:32,282 Barbara? 3 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,494 Barbara? 4 00:00:36,494 --> 00:00:37,662 RIMA: So, you're... 5 00:00:37,662 --> 00:00:40,165 holding each other's breasts... 6 00:00:40,165 --> 00:00:42,333 - Boobs, yeah. - And then you leaned in 7 00:00:42,333 --> 00:00:44,419 and stared into each other's eyes 8 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,421 and it just... happened. - Yeah. 9 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:48,006 Basically, but then this morning... - Wait. 10 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,175 Was that it? 11 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:52,552 Just... just kissing? 12 00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:53,845 - No, I mean, we did everything. 13 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,847 - And when you say everything... 14 00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:57,390 - We went down on each other, we fingered each other. 15 00:00:57,390 --> 00:00:58,933 I mean, she can't finger me, 16 00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:00,518 but I moved my vagina around on her... 17 00:01:00,518 --> 00:01:02,687 hand, kind of. The issue is 18 00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:04,481 that this morning, I wake up and she's not talking to me. 19 00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:06,483 She's gone. She's not there anymore. 20 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:08,109 We're supposed to finish this script. 21 00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:12,822 - Oh. I want you to go back and examine what you just said. 22 00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:17,368 You did everything. 23 00:01:17,368 --> 00:01:18,828 - Jesus, Rima, we fucked. 24 00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:19,996 I mean, what do you want me to say? 25 00:01:19,996 --> 00:01:20,914 We made love, whatever. 26 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,166 - Made love? 27 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,918 [exhales]: Ah... 28 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,127 There we go. 29 00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:29,255 You made love... 30 00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:31,716 to yourself. 31 00:01:31,716 --> 00:01:35,345 The two parts became one. 32 00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:40,975 And now, you don't need Barbara to help you finish that script. 33 00:01:40,975 --> 00:01:45,063 Because you are fully self-actualized. 34 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:47,107 - [laughs softly] 35 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:49,109 [typing] 36 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:51,194 [rapid knocking] 37 00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:55,907 [knocking continues] 38 00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,373 So then she starts threatening me. 39 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:04,791 She's gonna, like, call the landlord. 40 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,501 And the landlord fucking hates me, 41 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:07,877 so I'm trying to play it cool like, "Oh, we don't need to 42 00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:08,962 involve the landlord," 'cause, you know, 43 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,672 I'm on rent control, so he would just love 44 00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:12,340 a reason to get rid of me. - Whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. 45 00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:14,425 Calm down. Wait. This is all because you asked her son 46 00:02:14,425 --> 00:02:16,344 to move a bookcase, and he hit his head? 47 00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:18,054 How the fuck is that your fault? - Exactly! It isn't. 48 00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:19,430 That's what I'm saying. And this little... 49 00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:21,266 brat, like, tattled on me, 50 00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:23,476 and now I'm gonna have to, like, move to Koreatown 51 00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:25,311 and, like, have this sad bachelor pad, and, like... 52 00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:26,312 - Or... 53 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:30,441 ...you can move in with me. 54 00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:36,614 [intro to "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star playing] 55 00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,541 ♪ I want to hold the hand ♪ 56 00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:48,168 ♪ Inside you ♪ 57 00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:55,341 ♪ I want to take the breath ♪ 58 00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:57,051 ♪ That's true ♪ 59 00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:03,850 ♪ I look to you ♪ 60 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,352 ♪ And I see nothing ♪ 61 00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:10,398 - 'Sup, bitch? 62 00:03:10,398 --> 00:03:12,525 [song stops abruptly] 63 00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,444 - Barbara? 64 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,779 [chuckles softly] What the fuck? 65 00:03:16,779 --> 00:03:18,448 Oh, my God. - Hi. 66 00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,658 - Barbara, yesterday you, like... 67 00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:21,993 you went back to being inanimate. 68 00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:23,578 - No, dawg, I was sleeping. 69 00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:26,331 - No. Really, you were, like... - Completely zonked, 70 00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,874 because someone made me scissor them 71 00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:29,375 [laughs]: until 4:00 in the morning. 72 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:31,628 And also, friend to friend, 73 00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,254 you gotta laser your pussy, 74 00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:35,965 'cause it is very prickly-pear down there. 75 00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:37,926 My tongue is, like, completely cut up. 76 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,010 It was bleeding this morning. Look. 77 00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:42,138 What's wrong with you? 78 00:03:44,515 --> 00:03:46,768 - Um, I'm moving in with Dan. 79 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,438 - Oh. 80 00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:53,191 Okay. I mean... 81 00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:57,612 I guess, like... I guess I'd be okay moving back to Dan's, 82 00:03:57,612 --> 00:04:00,615 and, you know, if it was just, like, a couple times a week, 83 00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:03,910 I'd be down to fuck him. - No, Barbara, you're not... 84 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:06,621 You can't come with me. 85 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:08,039 - What? 86 00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:11,542 Well, then... 87 00:04:11,542 --> 00:04:14,128 where will I go? 88 00:04:14,128 --> 00:04:16,965 - I don't know, um, but I'm... I'll figure something out. 89 00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,967 - This is totally crazy. What do you mean 90 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:20,760 you'll figure it out? I mean... 91 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,595 what about our script? 92 00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:24,055 - I don't know, I'm, like... 93 00:04:24,055 --> 00:04:25,807 just gonna set it aside for a while. 94 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,976 - Gonna "set it aside"? 95 00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:29,727 - Yeah. You know, like, you just set it aside, 96 00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:31,646 like, put it in a drawer for a while, 97 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,398 and then when you look at it with fresh eyes... 98 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,482 [groans] 99 00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:35,942 - What? - Cody, 100 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,235 when Susan B. Anthony was marching 101 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,903 for a woman's right to bear arms, 102 00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,655 do you think she, like, set it all aside 103 00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:42,240 just to move in with her boyfriend? 104 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,367 - Okay, that's not... - And when Roe and Wade 105 00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:45,994 fought each other lo those many years ago, 106 00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,912 do you think it was about a guy, Cody? 107 00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:50,164 No, it wasn't. It was not about a guy. 108 00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:52,792 It was about super-important, like, feminist-y type stuff 109 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,669 that I'm not gonna get into with you right now, 110 00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:55,545 because you're literally the worst feminist I've ever met. 111 00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,425 And you're never gonna finish your script! 112 00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:02,885 You're gonna keep setting it aside and setting it aside, 113 00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:05,471 until one day you wake up and you realize 114 00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:08,683 that you have made nothing of yourself. 115 00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:11,227 That all you are and all you'll ever be 116 00:05:11,227 --> 00:05:13,313 is Dan Harmon's girlfriend, 117 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:16,524 Dan Harmon's plus size, plus-one. 118 00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:19,694 You're a passive protagonist in your own fuckin' life. 119 00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:22,030 - Fuck you! - It's true. 120 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:25,074 And every time he calls, you drop everything to be with him. 121 00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:27,368 It's so sad, and it's so pathetic. 122 00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:29,037 But guess what, Cody? 123 00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:32,123 One day he is gonna get bored of you, 124 00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:34,959 and as soon as you get one too many wrinkles 125 00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:38,713 on that tiny little forehead, he's gonna get another plus-one, 126 00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:40,840 a better one, a younger one, 127 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,258 and then... 128 00:05:42,258 --> 00:05:44,802 you won't even be his plus-one. 129 00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:47,096 You, Cody Heller... 130 00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:49,390 [whispers]: will be nothing. 131 00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:51,893 [mid-tempo, pulsing music playing] 132 00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:54,395 - I think that's everything. 133 00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:56,522 - Didn't you listen to anything I just said?! 134 00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:58,066 - Uh... oh. - This is bullshit! 135 00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,901 - And I'll give you my old phone. 136 00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,111 I got a new one, so you can keep this 137 00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:03,654 and, I don't know, listen to music or whatever. 138 00:06:03,654 --> 00:06:06,157 - Phone. 139 00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:09,118 Play a song for when your best friend stabs you in the back. 140 00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:10,620 [intro to "Everybody Hurts" playing] 141 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:13,081 - Um, all right. 142 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:14,957 I guess I'll see you... around. 143 00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:17,085 Okay, bye. 144 00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:18,795 - You're making a huge mistake, Cody. 145 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,546 If you'd just listen to me! Please! 146 00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:22,840 ♪ 147 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,009 Bye. 148 00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:27,637 ♪ When your day is long ♪ 149 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,183 ♪ And the night ♪ 150 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:33,351 DAN [calls]: Bean, you ready? 151 00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,645 - One second! 152 00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:38,689 - It's a panel about a superhero whose whole thing is clocks. 153 00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:40,316 I cannot be late. 154 00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:42,360 - Okay, okay, okay! 155 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:43,820 [ringtone plays] 156 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:47,907 Hello? MAN: Hi, Cody. 157 00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:50,159 I have your agent, Chet Jacobs, for you. 158 00:06:50,159 --> 00:06:52,120 - Who? Seriously, the next time this happens, 159 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,163 can you guys just give me a female agent? 160 00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:57,208 - Cody. Chet. How you doing? 161 00:06:57,208 --> 00:07:00,169 Listen, I don't know if you heard, but Phil... 162 00:07:00,169 --> 00:07:02,046 Let me guess-- Phil was #MeToo'd? 163 00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:03,798 Uh, no. 164 00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:06,217 His wife has Stage IV breast cancer. 165 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:08,010 - Oh. - Yes. 166 00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:10,221 Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I loved 167 00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:11,556 that script of yours. 168 00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:13,224 It's hilarious. 169 00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:15,476 - What? - And I love 170 00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,103 that you created the fake e-mail account 171 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:18,896 from the sex doll character to send it to me. 172 00:07:18,896 --> 00:07:22,108 BarbaraHimmelbaum@yahoo.com? So funny. 173 00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:25,862 - Y-Yeah. Um, I was trying to, uh, be like meta to... Yeah. 174 00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:27,655 Yeah-yeah, I do have a few thoughts. 175 00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:30,533 You're not so great at writing male characters, 176 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:33,035 and I got to be honest, I don't think the Dan character 177 00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:35,455 would pass the... whatever the male version 178 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,914 [chuckles]: of the Bechdel test is. 179 00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:40,418 - Uh-huh? - Yeah. 180 00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:43,129 So I've got some buyers interested in this already, 181 00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:45,548 but they're gonna want to hear a full-season pitch. 182 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:48,593 - Okay, great. I-I-I can get that done. - Great. 183 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:50,094 And we'll get these meetings on the books, then. 184 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,476 [phone ringing] 185 00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:01,189 - Whassup, slut! 186 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,691 You comin' to get me? We have a show to write! 187 00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:05,818 What are you wearing? You look like you're in, 188 00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,653 like, a high school musical production 189 00:08:07,653 --> 00:08:08,905 of Phantom of the Opera. 190 00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:09,739 - [Cody scoffs] DAN: Hey, Cody, you coming? 191 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:13,493 Ticktock! We got to go! 192 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,828 BARBARA: Excuse me, do you have somewhere to go? 193 00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:17,330 - [whispers]: One second, one second, one second. 194 00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:20,082 Hey. 195 00:08:20,082 --> 00:08:21,125 - Are you coming? 196 00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:24,086 - Uh... 197 00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:26,464 [pulsing musical beat plays] 198 00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:28,466 Just go ahead without me. 199 00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:37,141 My God. I'm sweating through this blazer like a motherfucker. 200 00:08:37,141 --> 00:08:39,060 - I know. Jesus. 201 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,103 - Y-You can tell? - Uh, yeah, very much so. 202 00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:43,397 I can smell it, too. Very Baja Fresh. 203 00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:45,858 - Dude, I'm rea... I'm, like, really nervous. 204 00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:47,693 - Relax. These fucks would be idiots not to buy this. 205 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:49,362 It's gonna be, like, a really good show. 206 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,489 - Yeah, you think? - A thousand percent. 207 00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:52,532 - And, like, we have enough material 208 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,242 for a full half hour, right? 209 00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:56,160 - Are you kidding? It could honestly be an hour long. 210 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,912 It's just, there's too much funny stuff to commit 211 00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,747 to making it a drama. - Yeah, yeah, you're right. 212 00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:01,916 - Just remember the casting stuff, you know? 213 00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:04,794 I play myself, and for the role of Cody, we're going diverse. 214 00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,837 - What? No, I'm gonna play myself. 215 00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:08,381 - Cody, get serious. 216 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,258 The last thing anyone wants right now 217 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,009 is another show about two white girls. 218 00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:13,344 - Okay, well, then we'll cast, 219 00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:14,262 like, a diverse doll or whatever. 220 00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:15,846 - Fine. - Great. 221 00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,682 - Fine. Fine, and then I'll play Cody. 222 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:19,850 - How would that work? 223 00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,102 - I don't know, I'll just, like, wear a fat suit or whatever. 224 00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:23,062 Oh, come on, you don't actually expect me 225 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:24,438 to, like, gain weight. - Barbara, I mean, no, okay... 226 00:09:24,438 --> 00:09:26,107 That-That's not what I meant, and you know it. 227 00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:29,151 [both talking at once] 228 00:09:29,151 --> 00:09:30,861 - That's how dedicated I am to my craft. 229 00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:33,781 I will gain the weight to play the role of Cody Heller. 230 00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:36,117 - No. Fuck no. Fuck you, Barbara. You're being 231 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,451 such a little fuckin' asshole. I hope that you just... - Hi. 232 00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:39,161 - Um... 233 00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:40,997 hi. 234 00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:42,623 Um, I'm Cody. 235 00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:44,417 BARBARA [coughs]: Rude. 236 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,294 - And this is Barbara. 237 00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:48,296 Thank you so much for hearing our pitch today. 238 00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,590 - Oh. You're Dan Harmon's girlfriend. 239 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,425 - Yes. - He actually dated me first 240 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,051 and was, like, way more in love with me. 241 00:09:54,051 --> 00:09:56,178 What? He was. 242 00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,180 Man, that guy is such a genius. 17726

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