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1
00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:26,484
Barbara?
2
00:00:30,488 --> 00:00:32,282
Barbara?
3
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,494
Barbara?
4
00:00:36,494 --> 00:00:37,662
RIMA:
So, you're...
5
00:00:37,662 --> 00:00:40,165
holding each other's breasts...
6
00:00:40,165 --> 00:00:42,333
- Boobs, yeah.
- And then you leaned in
7
00:00:42,333 --> 00:00:44,419
and stared into
each other's eyes
8
00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,421
and it just... happened.
- Yeah.
9
00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:48,006
Basically, but then this
morning... - Wait.
10
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,175
Was that it?
11
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:52,552
Just... just kissing?
12
00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:53,845
- No, I mean, we did everything.
13
00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,847
- And when you say everything...
14
00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:57,390
- We went down on each other,
we fingered each other.
15
00:00:57,390 --> 00:00:58,933
I mean, she can't finger me,
16
00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:00,518
but I moved my vagina
around on her...
17
00:01:00,518 --> 00:01:02,687
hand, kind of.
The issue is
18
00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:04,481
that this morning, I wake up
and she's not talking to me.
19
00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:06,483
She's gone.
She's not there anymore.
20
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:08,109
We're supposed to
finish this script.
21
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:12,822
- Oh. I want you to go back
and examine what you just said.
22
00:01:12,822 --> 00:01:17,368
You did everything.
23
00:01:17,368 --> 00:01:18,828
- Jesus, Rima, we fucked.
24
00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:19,996
I mean, what do
you want me to say?
25
00:01:19,996 --> 00:01:20,914
We made love, whatever.
26
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,166
- Made love?
27
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,918
[exhales]:
Ah...
28
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,127
There we go.
29
00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:29,255
You made love...
30
00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:31,716
to yourself.
31
00:01:31,716 --> 00:01:35,345
The two parts became one.
32
00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:40,975
And now, you don't need
Barbara to help you finish that
script.
33
00:01:40,975 --> 00:01:45,063
Because you are fully
self-actualized.
34
00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:47,107
- [laughs softly]
35
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:49,109
[typing]
36
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:51,194
[rapid knocking]
37
00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:55,907
[knocking continues]
38
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,373
So then she starts
threatening me.
39
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:04,791
She's gonna, like,
call the landlord.
40
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,501
And the landlord
fucking hates me,
41
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:07,877
so I'm trying to play it cool
like, "Oh, we don't need to
42
00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:08,962
involve the landlord,"
'cause, you know,
43
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,672
I'm on rent control,
so he would just love
44
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:12,340
a reason to get rid of me.
- Whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
45
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:14,425
Calm down. Wait. This is all
because you asked her son
46
00:02:14,425 --> 00:02:16,344
to move a bookcase,
and he hit his head?
47
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:18,054
How the fuck is that your fault?
- Exactly! It isn't.
48
00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:19,430
That's what I'm saying.
And this little...
49
00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:21,266
brat, like, tattled on me,
50
00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:23,476
and now I'm gonna have to,
like, move to Koreatown
51
00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:25,311
and, like, have this
sad bachelor pad, and, like...
52
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:26,312
- Or...
53
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:30,441
...you can move in with me.
54
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:36,614
[intro to "Fade Into You"
by Mazzy Star playing]
55
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,541
♪ I want to hold the hand ♪
56
00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:48,168
♪ Inside you ♪
57
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:55,341
♪ I want to take the breath ♪
58
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:57,051
♪ That's true ♪
59
00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:03,850
♪ I look to you ♪
60
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,352
♪ And I see nothing ♪
61
00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:10,398
- 'Sup, bitch?
62
00:03:10,398 --> 00:03:12,525
[song stops abruptly]
63
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,444
- Barbara?
64
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,779
[chuckles softly]
What the fuck?
65
00:03:16,779 --> 00:03:18,448
Oh, my God.
- Hi.
66
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,658
- Barbara, yesterday
you, like...
67
00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:21,993
you went back to
being inanimate.
68
00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:23,578
- No, dawg, I was sleeping.
69
00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:26,331
- No. Really, you were, like...
- Completely zonked,
70
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,874
because someone
made me scissor them
71
00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:29,375
[laughs]:
until 4:00 in the morning.
72
00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:31,628
And also, friend to friend,
73
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,254
you gotta laser your pussy,
74
00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:35,965
'cause it is very
prickly-pear down there.
75
00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:37,926
My tongue is, like,
completely cut up.
76
00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,010
It was bleeding
this morning. Look.
77
00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:42,138
What's wrong with you?
78
00:03:44,515 --> 00:03:46,768
- Um, I'm moving in with Dan.
79
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,438
- Oh.
80
00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:53,191
Okay. I mean...
81
00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:57,612
I guess, like... I guess I'd be
okay moving back to Dan's,
82
00:03:57,612 --> 00:04:00,615
and, you know, if it was just,
like, a couple times a week,
83
00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:03,910
I'd be down to fuck him.
- No, Barbara, you're not...
84
00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:06,621
You can't come with me.
85
00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:08,039
- What?
86
00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:11,542
Well, then...
87
00:04:11,542 --> 00:04:14,128
where will I go?
88
00:04:14,128 --> 00:04:16,965
- I don't know, um, but I'm...
I'll figure something out.
89
00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,967
- This is totally crazy.
What do you mean
90
00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:20,760
you'll figure it out?
I mean...
91
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,595
what about our script?
92
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:24,055
- I don't know, I'm, like...
93
00:04:24,055 --> 00:04:25,807
just gonna set it
aside for a while.
94
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,976
- Gonna "set it aside"?
95
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:29,727
- Yeah. You know, like,
you just set it aside,
96
00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:31,646
like, put it in a
drawer for a while,
97
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,398
and then when you look at it
with fresh eyes...
98
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,482
[groans]
99
00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:35,942
- What?
- Cody,
100
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,235
when Susan B.
Anthony was marching
101
00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,903
for a woman's
right to bear arms,
102
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,655
do you think she,
like, set it all aside
103
00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:42,240
just to move in
with her boyfriend?
104
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,367
- Okay, that's not...
- And when Roe and Wade
105
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:45,994
fought each other lo
those many years ago,
106
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,912
do you think it was
about a guy, Cody?
107
00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:50,164
No, it wasn't.
It was not about a guy.
108
00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:52,792
It was about super-important,
like, feminist-y type stuff
109
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,669
that I'm not gonna get into
with you right now,
110
00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:55,545
because you're literally the
worst feminist I've ever met.
111
00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,425
And you're never gonna
finish your script!
112
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:02,885
You're gonna keep setting it
aside and setting it aside,
113
00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:05,471
until one day you wake
up and you realize
114
00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:08,683
that you have made
nothing of yourself.
115
00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:11,227
That all you are and
all you'll ever be
116
00:05:11,227 --> 00:05:13,313
is Dan Harmon's girlfriend,
117
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:16,524
Dan Harmon's plus
size, plus-one.
118
00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:19,694
You're a passive protagonist
in your own fuckin' life.
119
00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:22,030
- Fuck you!
- It's true.
120
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:25,074
And every time he calls, you
drop everything to be with him.
121
00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:27,368
It's so sad, and
it's so pathetic.
122
00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:29,037
But guess what, Cody?
123
00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:32,123
One day he is gonna
get bored of you,
124
00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:34,959
and as soon as you get
one too many wrinkles
125
00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:38,713
on that tiny little forehead,
he's gonna get another plus-one,
126
00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:40,840
a better one, a younger one,
127
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,258
and then...
128
00:05:42,258 --> 00:05:44,802
you won't even be his plus-one.
129
00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:47,096
You, Cody Heller...
130
00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:49,390
[whispers]:
will be nothing.
131
00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:51,893
[mid-tempo, pulsing
music playing]
132
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:54,395
- I think that's everything.
133
00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:56,522
- Didn't you listen
to anything I just said?!
134
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:58,066
- Uh... oh.
- This is bullshit!
135
00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,901
- And I'll give
you my old phone.
136
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,111
I got a new one, so
you can keep this
137
00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:03,654
and, I don't know,
listen to music or whatever.
138
00:06:03,654 --> 00:06:06,157
- Phone.
139
00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:09,118
Play a song for when your best
friend stabs you in the back.
140
00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:10,620
[intro to "Everybody
Hurts" playing]
141
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:13,081
- Um, all right.
142
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:14,957
I guess I'll see you... around.
143
00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:17,085
Okay, bye.
144
00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:18,795
- You're making a
huge mistake, Cody.
145
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,546
If you'd just listen to me!
Please!
146
00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:22,840
♪
147
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,009
Bye.
148
00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:27,637
♪ When your day is long ♪
149
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,183
♪ And the night ♪
150
00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:33,351
DAN [calls]:
Bean, you ready?
151
00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,645
- One second!
152
00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:38,689
- It's a panel about a superhero
whose whole thing is clocks.
153
00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:40,316
I cannot be late.
154
00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:42,360
- Okay, okay, okay!
155
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:43,820
[ringtone plays]
156
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:47,907
Hello?
MAN: Hi, Cody.
157
00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:50,159
I have your agent,
Chet Jacobs, for you.
158
00:06:50,159 --> 00:06:52,120
- Who? Seriously,
the next time this happens,
159
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,163
can you guys just give
me a female agent?
160
00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:57,208
- Cody. Chet. How you doing?
161
00:06:57,208 --> 00:07:00,169
Listen, I don't know
if you heard, but Phil...
162
00:07:00,169 --> 00:07:02,046
Let me guess--
Phil was #MeToo'd?
163
00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:03,798
Uh, no.
164
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:06,217
His wife has Stage
IV breast cancer.
165
00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:08,010
- Oh.
- Yes.
166
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:10,221
Anyway, I just wanted to
let you know that I loved
167
00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:11,556
that script of yours.
168
00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:13,224
It's hilarious.
169
00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:15,476
- What?
- And I love
170
00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,103
that you created the
fake e-mail account
171
00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:18,896
from the sex doll character
to send it to me.
172
00:07:18,896 --> 00:07:22,108
BarbaraHimmelbaum@yahoo.com?
So funny.
173
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:25,862
- Y-Yeah. Um, I was trying to,
uh, be like meta to... Yeah.
174
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:27,655
Yeah-yeah, I do
have a few thoughts.
175
00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:30,533
You're not so great
at writing male characters,
176
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:33,035
and I got to be honest,
I don't think the Dan character
177
00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:35,455
would pass the...
whatever the male version
178
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,914
[chuckles]:
of the Bechdel test is.
179
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:40,418
- Uh-huh?
- Yeah.
180
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:43,129
So I've got some buyers
interested in this already,
181
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:45,548
but they're gonna want to hear
a full-season pitch.
182
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:48,593
- Okay, great. I-I-I can get
that done. - Great.
183
00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:50,094
And we'll get these meetings
on the books, then.
184
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,476
[phone ringing]
185
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:01,189
- Whassup, slut!
186
00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,691
You comin' to get me?
We have a show to write!
187
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:05,818
What are you wearing?
You look like you're in,
188
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,653
like, a high school
musical production
189
00:08:07,653 --> 00:08:08,905
of Phantom of the Opera.
190
00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:09,739
- [Cody scoffs]
DAN: Hey, Cody, you coming?
191
00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:13,493
Ticktock! We got to go!
192
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,828
BARBARA: Excuse me, do
you have somewhere to go?
193
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:17,330
- [whispers]: One second,
one second, one second.
194
00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:20,082
Hey.
195
00:08:20,082 --> 00:08:21,125
- Are you coming?
196
00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:24,086
- Uh...
197
00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:26,464
[pulsing musical beat plays]
198
00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:28,466
Just go ahead without me.
199
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:37,141
My God. I'm sweating through
this blazer like a motherfucker.
200
00:08:37,141 --> 00:08:39,060
- I know. Jesus.
201
00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,103
- Y-You can tell?
- Uh, yeah, very much so.
202
00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:43,397
I can smell it, too.
Very Baja Fresh.
203
00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:45,858
- Dude, I'm rea...
I'm, like, really nervous.
204
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:47,693
- Relax. These fucks would be
idiots not to buy this.
205
00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:49,362
It's gonna be, like,
a really good show.
206
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,489
- Yeah, you think?
- A thousand percent.
207
00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:52,532
- And, like, we
have enough material
208
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,242
for a full half hour, right?
209
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:56,160
- Are you kidding? It could
honestly be an hour long.
210
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,912
It's just, there's
too much funny stuff to commit
211
00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:59,747
to making it a drama.
- Yeah, yeah, you're right.
212
00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:01,916
- Just remember
the casting stuff, you know?
213
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:04,794
I play myself, and for the role
of Cody, we're going diverse.
214
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,837
- What?
No, I'm gonna play myself.
215
00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:08,381
- Cody, get serious.
216
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,258
The last thing anyone
wants right now
217
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,009
is another show about
two white girls.
218
00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:13,344
- Okay, well, then we'll cast,
219
00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:14,262
like, a diverse
doll or whatever.
220
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:15,846
- Fine.
- Great.
221
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,682
- Fine. Fine, and
then I'll play Cody.
222
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:19,850
- How would that work?
223
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,102
- I don't know, I'll just, like,
wear a fat suit or whatever.
224
00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:23,062
Oh, come on, you don't
actually expect me
225
00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:24,438
to, like, gain weight.
- Barbara, I mean, no, okay...
226
00:09:24,438 --> 00:09:26,107
That-That's not what I meant,
and you know it.
227
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:29,151
[both talking at once]
228
00:09:29,151 --> 00:09:30,861
- That's how dedicated
I am to my craft.
229
00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:33,781
I will gain the weight
to play the role of Cody Heller.
230
00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:36,117
- No. Fuck no. Fuck you,
Barbara. You're being
231
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,451
such a little fuckin' asshole.
I hope that you just...
- Hi.
232
00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:39,161
- Um...
233
00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:40,997
hi.
234
00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:42,623
Um, I'm Cody.
235
00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:44,417
BARBARA [coughs]:
Rude.
236
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,294
- And this is Barbara.
237
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:48,296
Thank you so much
for hearing our pitch today.
238
00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,590
- Oh. You're Dan
Harmon's girlfriend.
239
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,425
- Yes.
- He actually dated me first
240
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,051
and was, like, way
more in love with me.
241
00:09:54,051 --> 00:09:56,178
What? He was.
242
00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,180
Man, that guy is such a genius.
17726
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