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1
00:00:01,167 --> 00:00:04,838
NARRATOR [on TV]: ...longtime
friend, Patty Palm,
22-year-old...
2
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:06,506
Diana is missing.
3
00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:08,508
[phone vibrating]
4
00:00:08,508 --> 00:00:10,635
WOMAN [on TV]: She was
supposed to go to our house
5
00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:14,389
on Tuesday morning to help my
son with the air
conditioner,
6
00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:15,849
and she didn't show up.
- Hello?
7
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,350
FEMALE ASSISTANT:
Hi, Cody,
8
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:19,728
I have Phil Goldman for
you. - Who?
9
00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:23,606
- Phil Goldman, bitch!
What's up? I'm your new agent.
10
00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:25,692
Hey! I'm sorry. I don't
know if you've heard,
11
00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:27,527
but Jason Levy
12
00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:30,613
was recently #MeToo'd, so
he's no longer with the company.
13
00:00:30,613 --> 00:00:33,533
- Oh. Oh, my God. - Yeah, so
it's me and you.
14
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:35,869
I'm your agent, you're
my client. What's up?
15
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,872
- Okay, that's a little weird
'cause I never even met Jason,
16
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,165
so... [chuckles]
- No, I know.
17
00:00:40,165 --> 00:00:41,916
Nobody's really met him.
Who cares?
18
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:44,085
Yeah, anyway, listen,
sorry it's so late.
19
00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:46,337
I've taken over his whole
roster, so I'm making my way
20
00:00:46,337 --> 00:00:47,797
through the list,
and you're the last one on it.
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00:00:47,797 --> 00:00:50,300
- Oh, okay.
22
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,843
- Yeah, uh, I'm sure
it's alphabetical.
23
00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:53,845
Yeah, or-or by talent.
24
00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,638
[laughs] I'm kidding.
25
00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:57,307
Who knows? Anyway...
- Okay.
26
00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:59,768
- Listen, we got a lot of
shows staffing right now,
27
00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:03,605
and they're looking
for lady writers, yeah.
28
00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:06,775
The problem is I don't have
a current sample from you,
29
00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:09,611
so if you could shoot
something over to me ASAP
Rocky,
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00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:12,030
that'd be great.
- Um... yeah.
31
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,783
Um, I'm just working on this,
uh, thing about the tooth fairy.
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00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:15,909
- Oh, the tooth fairy!
- Yeah...
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00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,786
- I fucking love that shit.
34
00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:20,330
- Like, she's the tooth fairy,
but then she's also a stripper
35
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,956
because, you know, like,
36
00:01:21,956 --> 00:01:23,750
dollar bills. [chuckles]
- Yeah!
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00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,294
Yeah, dollar bills,
I fucking love that shit.
38
00:01:26,294 --> 00:01:30,006
I love that. It's so good.
That's such originality. I mean,
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00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:31,883
it's probably 'cause you're
Dan Harmon's girlfriend.
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00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,802
That guy's such
a fucking genius.
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00:01:33,802 --> 00:01:36,721
- Yeah, he-he's super great.
- Yeah, he's super great.
42
00:01:36,721 --> 00:01:39,933
Listen, if he's ever unhappy
with his current representation,
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it would be my honor-- honor--
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to take him on as a client,
you know what I mean?
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00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:46,314
- I will definitely
let him know.
46
00:01:46,314 --> 00:01:48,525
- Uh, yeah, please,
let him know. Oh.
47
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:50,527
[line beeping]
Fuck me in the dickhole.
48
00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:53,655
I got to take this right
away, okay? It's Jason Levy.
49
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,907
We're still kind of friends,
and I don't know,
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00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:57,408
I think he might
hurt himself tonight,
51
00:01:57,408 --> 00:01:59,285
if you know what I
mean, kill himself.
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00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:01,454
I think he might commit
suicide. I'm gonna take
this.
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00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,164
Just send me some of
your writing shit,
54
00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:04,999
and then I'm gonna check it out,
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and, uh, we'll go from there,
all right, babe?
56
00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:09,587
Buh-bye!
- Okay, bye.
57
00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:12,382
♪
58
00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:29,107
BARBARA:
Cody!
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00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:36,114
What you doing up there?
60
00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:39,242
Are you working on your pilot?
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00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:41,536
So exciting!
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00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:45,206
Is it the one about the stripper
who's also the tooth fairy?
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00:02:45,206 --> 00:02:48,668
That's such a fun idea.
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00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:51,629
It's so broad, but,
like, honestly,
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00:02:51,629 --> 00:02:55,925
Middle America loves
shitty broad stuff, but, like,
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I love it.
- [clears throat]
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00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:01,097
- Are you stuck?
Maybe I can help.
68
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:07,729
- Hey. I don't want your help.
You're a fucking dick.
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00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,314
- Is this about the whole
"trying to sabotage
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00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:10,565
your relationship
with Dan" thing?
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Because, Cody, I'm so sorry.
72
00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:13,651
That was my bad.
73
00:03:13,651 --> 00:03:16,237
I had so much
internalized misogyny.
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00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:17,697
- Are you kidding?
You're obviously just trying
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00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:19,782
to get me to take you
out of the dumpster.
76
00:03:19,782 --> 00:03:22,994
- What? No. No, seriously,
I love it down here.
77
00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:24,412
I really do.
- Really?
78
00:03:24,412 --> 00:03:27,040
- Yeah. Cody, actually,
I met someone.
79
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,083
His name's Harold.
He's a piece of wood.
80
00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:31,211
What, babe?
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00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,171
[gasps] Okay, yeah,
he wants me to tell you
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00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:34,756
he identifies as lumber.
83
00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:37,342
He's so hot, Cody.
84
00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:40,011
He has this, like, knot
that's-that's so sexy in, like,
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00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:41,179
a Joaquin Phoenix
sort of like...
86
00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,680
- Barbara.
- What?
87
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,641
- I'm so happy for both of you.
Congratulations.
88
00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:46,017
I have to work.
- Wait!
89
00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:47,518
I know why you're stuck!
90
00:03:47,518 --> 00:03:49,979
It's because you have
a passive protagonist.
91
00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:51,773
You know what I would do?
92
00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:53,858
Okay, so hear me out,
93
00:03:53,858 --> 00:03:56,236
we start with, like,
a cross-cutty montage,
94
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,321
the music kicks in,
we're seeing stuff,
95
00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:00,615
images, but none of it really
matters, because guess what?
96
00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:02,700
Boom! We're in.
97
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,535
We're fucking watching this
show. - [chuckles] Yeah.
98
00:04:04,535 --> 00:04:06,329
BARBARA:
Intense close-ups,
99
00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:08,122
just, like, for no reason,
but you're just watching it,
100
00:04:08,122 --> 00:04:09,749
and you're in it.
101
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,043
- What if the guy has
that disease where, like...
102
00:04:12,043 --> 00:04:13,753
- Overlapping dialogue. They're
just talking over each other.
103
00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:15,630
- She's not passive,
she's reactive.
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00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:16,881
BARBARA:
Making the audience think
105
00:04:16,881 --> 00:04:18,716
something is
happening, but really,
106
00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:20,718
nothing is happening, but
everything is happening.
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00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:22,762
- "You know I only take
baby teeth," but he's like,
108
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,639
"These are baby teeth,"
you know, so it's like,
109
00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:26,516
he has the disease,
but it's also a metaphor
110
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:29,394
for his immaturity
kind of, you know?
111
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:30,979
I mean, if you think
that's dumb, or, like,
112
00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:32,730
if it feels forced...
113
00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:35,358
Barbara?
- BARBARA: Cody!
114
00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,818
["Headbanger"
by King Tuff playing]
115
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- Barbara!
116
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:40,697
♪
117
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:47,578
- [snoring]
- Dan.
118
00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:52,292
Um...
119
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,585
I think I'm getting a UTI
and I just feel gross,
120
00:04:54,585 --> 00:04:56,921
so I'm just gonna sleep
at my house. I love you. Bye.
121
00:04:56,921 --> 00:04:58,756
♪
122
00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:04,637
BARBARA:
Cody!
123
00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:08,182
- Barbara!
- Cody...!
124
00:05:08,182 --> 00:05:09,976
- Stop!
125
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:13,771
I'm sorry. Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop. Oh, my gosh.
126
00:05:13,771 --> 00:05:16,607
There's-there's been a mistake.
I didn't mean to throw her away.
127
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:18,568
- Oh, my God, Cody,
he was totally gonna rape me.
- What's up?
128
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,862
- [out of breath]:
This sex doll, she's-she's mine.
129
00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:22,280
She got thrown
away accidentally.
130
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:23,740
I just, I just need her back.
131
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,491
- Why are you so out of breath?
132
00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:27,493
- How do you accidentally
throw away a sex doll?
133
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:30,663
- It-it was a mistake, sir.
People make mistakes, okay?
134
00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:33,291
You were the one about to fuck
a used sex doll. Are you okay?
135
00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:36,044
- Excuse me?
I was gonna recycle her.
136
00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:37,879
I'm not some pervert.
137
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:41,257
- Okay, okay, well, I mean,
138
00:05:41,257 --> 00:05:43,176
I-I don't think we necessarily
need to, like, cast judgments
139
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,719
on other people's
sexuality, like...
140
00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:46,304
BARBARA: Okay, Cody,
you're making it worse.
141
00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:48,264
- Can I just, um,
give you some cash for her?
142
00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:50,433
- I don't do this
work for the money.
143
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:53,269
I do it because I give a fuck
about the environment, man.
144
00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:55,938
BARBARA [laughs]: Yeah, right.
- Oh, um, I'm sorry.
145
00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:57,648
That's fair.
- Do you know how many dolphins
146
00:05:57,648 --> 00:06:00,651
die each year from choking
on used sex dolls?
147
00:06:00,651 --> 00:06:02,445
- No.
148
00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:04,197
- Me, neither.
It's gonna be zero if I have
149
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,074
anything to say about it.
BARBARA: No, no, no, no!
150
00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:07,867
Don't let him take me!
- Okay, sir. No, hey, hey. I...
151
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,660
Please, I appreciate
your position,
152
00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:12,205
and I think what you're doing
is very noble, and, you know,
153
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,623
it's like a service
to the community.
154
00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:15,041
- Who cares?
155
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,292
- Barbara, can you
let me handle this?
156
00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:17,919
I really need her back.
157
00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:21,339
She's my writing partner.
158
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:23,299
["Prank Calls"
by Kelley Stoltz playing]
159
00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:31,933
- What even are all
these water bottles?
160
00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:33,893
- I don't know, man,
they're just, like, accumulated
161
00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:35,728
from-from hikes and stuff.
- [scoffs]
162
00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:38,022
From hikes? You don't hike.
163
00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:39,273
GENE:
Oh, this is plenty.
164
00:06:39,273 --> 00:06:40,483
Here.
165
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:45,238
- Thank you.
- Bye.
166
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,156
Have such a great night,
167
00:06:47,156 --> 00:06:49,367
and thank you so much
for not raping me.
168
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:52,620
Cody, thank you for saving me.
169
00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:55,081
You're truly such
a great friend.
170
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:58,292
Okay, but just so we're clear,
we're just writing,
171
00:06:58,292 --> 00:07:00,795
that's the whole thing.
- Yeah, no, totally. 100%.
172
00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:03,798
But, like, we're not
starting now, right?
173
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:05,758
Like, I don't know if you
noticed, I just went through
174
00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:07,510
a very traumatic experience,
175
00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:09,095
and, like, I need a second
to decompress.
176
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,431
- Okay. That's fine.
177
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,474
- So where are we going? Are
we gonna go stay at your place?
178
00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:15,435
♪ Oh, no, no, no... ♪
179
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,395
- Yeah, I guess, I mean,
I can't take you back in there.
180
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,439
- Oh, yeah.
181
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,442
Fuck Dan. He can eat my ass,
not in a hot way-- I hate him.
182
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,861
- Okay.
183
00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:26,612
Let's go.
- Hey, so I told Harold
184
00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:28,906
he could crash with us for a few
nights. I hope that's okay.
185
00:07:28,906 --> 00:07:30,992
He's fighting with him mom.
He just needs a place to go
186
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:32,535
where he can, like,
get his shit together
187
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:35,329
and get through
this family stuff.
188
00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:39,000
♪ Some old lover who ♪
189
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,710
♪ Ain't getting none... ♪
190
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,588
[snoring]
191
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:46,883
♪ Some old lover who ♪
192
00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:48,593
♪ Ain't getting none. ♪
14788
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