All language subtitles for Trevor Noah I Wish You Would (2022) (NetNaija.xyz)

[orchestral warm-up]

Po-ta-toes-zah. Zah.

Potatoes.

Baby.

[low voice] Baby.
[high voice] Baby.

[normal voice] Can I hear it
without the house for a second?

Yep. Yep. [drawn-out] Yep.

[malevolent voice] "All those who try…"

[normal] All right, bring it all in.

[mimics announcer] "Ladies and gentlemen,

in the red corner…"

-[accented] "As a South African…"
-Yep. Yep. Yep.

"In the red corner…"

[mimics Trump]
"I've had so many, so many of them…"

[mimics Obama] "Americans."

-Yep. Yep.
-[accented] "As Americans…"

[mimics Obama] "As Americans…"

-"You gotta realize…"
-"Never again."

"…it's not a question."

♪ There's a place… ♪

[mimics Trump] "So many…"

-[as Obama] "…but rather of how."
-[as Trump] "I've tried…"

-[as Obama] "Gotta know that yes, we can."
-[as Trump] "I know…"

[rapid vocalizations]

Yep. [rhythmic vocalizations]

[normal voice] Where are all the people?
Why are there no people here?

What do you mean, I'm early?

[chuckling]

Ahh.

Yeah, that sounds amazing.

-[mid-tempo rock intro plays]
-[audience cheering, muted]

-[music volume increases]
-[cheering grows louder]

[audience cheering loudly]

-What's going on, Toronto, Canada?
-[cheering grows louder]

How you doing, everybody?

-Welcome to the show!
-[cheering continues]

Welcome to the show! Welcome to the show!
Thank you so much for coming out!

We made it!

Oh, we made it.

This is so amazing.

What a long time. It has been too long.

-Too long. But we're back.
-[applause]

-And it's so good to see you all again.
-[crowd cheering]

Oh, man, I've missed this.
I've missed this so much.

I've missed going around the world.

I've missed people's languages
and cultures.

We just did Europe as well.
It was so fantastic.

One of my dreams came true.

I got to go to Switzerland
for the first time.

One of my dreams.

If you don't know this about me,
I'll tell you why it was such a big dream.

My mother is a Black woman, Xhosa woman,
from South Africa.

I grew up in South Africa, right?

-Molweni, molweni.
-[crowd cheering]

My dad is a Swiss man from Switzerland.
White man, right?

And so, I never got to go to Switzerland.

Then, when I got the chance,
I never made the time.

Then I couldn't go. Then finally now,
we went to Switzerland

for the first time.

And it was liberating.

'Cause here's the thing.

My whole life, my whole life,

I have always felt like
my dad didn't really love me.

Okay?

And then now, when I went
and met him in Switzerland,

I was like, "No."

"He's just Swiss."

[laughter]

They're all like that.

[scattered cheers]

It was a bit weird, though.

I tried to surprise him, though.

Right? I tried to surprise him
by learning German.

We hadn't seen each other for a while.

Because he speaks German,
I thought I'd surprise him on the trip.

You know? I went on Duolingo,
did a bunch of studying.

And I got to Germany.
Like, practiced the whole thing.

Got to Switzerland,
was like, "Oh, this is it."

I was ready.
Like, "I'm gonna surprise my dad."

I planned to get to his house,
knock on the door.

He'd open it, surprised, like,
"Oh! Trevor!"

Then I'd be like,
"Papa, ich sprechen Deutsch!"

He was gonna be like,
"Huh? Ich liebe dich!"

Be like… [celebratory singing]

Was gonna be a whole thing.
I had it all planned out.

Didn't go according to plan.

[laughter]

I got there. He was surprised.
He was happy. But as soon as I spoke,

I was like, "Papa, ich sprechen Deutsch!"

He was like,
"Don't do that. Don't do that, huh?"

-[laughter]
-"No, don't do that. No."

Learning German has been
a weird journey for me.

You know? I wanna speak it because most
of my family speaks it on my dad's side.

But I…

I've learned a few things about my German
which haven't been great.

I was in Germany,

visiting some extended family
in a place called Cologne.

Beautiful city.
If you've never been, you should go.

Stunning. Stunning place.

And one of my friends, Rolf,
was with me in the city. Right?

One day Rolf turns to me, like…

[German accent] "Trevor, you know,
today maybe we should have

a traditional German meal, ja?"

"You want to eat something
traditionally German?"

"Ja, we're going to take you, okay?"

I was like, "That sounds amazing, Rolf.
What are we gonna have?"

He's like,
"Ah, okay, have you heard of Subway?"

[laughter]

"I don't think that's German, Rolf."

He's like, "Nein, nein. I'm just saying
to understand the chain."

"Right? Where you're going
to be having the sandwiches

und you are having the bread
und choosing the toppings."

Like, "Yeah, I know
how Subway works, man."

He's like, "Okay. Ach so, I want to
take you to a German version, ja?"

"Better than that. Better."

"Like, with the best bread und meat.
You have to go."

So he took me, and he wasn't lying.

So we go to this sandwich shop.

It's, like, 50 years old.

Everything is in German.
We walk in, I was like,

"Oh, this is it!"

"Might not be my dad's house, but this
is where I can practice my German."

[laughter]

Rolf looks at me, like,
"Would you like me to order?"

I was like, "No, Rolf, I'll…
I'll order the food."

He's like, "Okay,
you're going to buy the food?"

Like, "No, you're gonna buy.
I just wanna order it."

[laughter]

"I just wanna practice my German."

He's like, "But they might not
understand you, ja?"

"Because German can be diff--"

I was like,
"Yo, I got this, Rolf. I got this."

So I walk up to the counter.
The woman was really friendly.

Like, "Guten Tag, kann ich dich helfen?"

-I was like, "Guten tag!"
-[laughter]

[shouting] "Ich will ein kleinen
Broten haben, bitte schön!"

"Das schwarze Broten mit dem Käse!"

"Und das Schinken, bitte schön!"

"Und gib für mich ein Pepsi Cola! Danke!"

[laughter]

And she shat herself.

[laughter continues]

I'll never forget the look

in that woman's face.

She was petrified.
She stared at me and was like…

[gasps] "Der Schwarze Hitler!"

[laughter]

Which means "the Black Hitler."

[laughter]

Yeah.

The way I inflect on certain words

has a certain, uh,
Führer feeling to it, apparently.

[laughter]

I was devastated.

Rolf thought it was hilarious.

The whole ride home, we're in the car,
he's hitting himself.

[mimics laughter]

"Oh mein Gott!"

"Der Schwarze Hitler!" [cackling]

"Oh, Trevor, can you imagine
if Hitler was Black?"

[continues cackling]

"It totally wouldn't have worked, ja?"

[audience laughing]

Like, "Rolf, it's not that funny."

"I tried to learn German
to connect with my family

and sound like
one of the worst humans in history."

He's like,
"Yeah, but it was totally funny."

"You should have seen yourself."

[mock shouting]

"It's like you were about to invade
the meat section."

"Oh mein Gott!" "Oh, you should have--"

I was like, "Rolf, it's not cool, man!"

"I'm in pain right now."

He's like, "Calm down, Trevor.
Calm down, ja?"

-"Indulge me mein schadenfreude, okay?"
-[laughter]

He actually taught me a new word that day.

Yeah. Never heard it before.

"Schadenfreude."

German word. Schadenfreude.

All right?

It means "to take great joy
in the pain and suffering of others."

[laughter]

[chuckles] Fun fact…

That word was never translated
into another language.

[laughter]

I wonder why.

[laughter continues]

Pretty insane word, right? Schadenfreude.

Why would you want that?

To indulge in others' pain and suffering.
Why would you…

But then when I thought about it,
I was like, "It sounds terrible, but…

we all do it."

[laughter]

Every one of us in this room.

We all experience schadenfreude.

You know?

We all do.
You know when you have schadenfreude?

When you're driving on the highway, yeah?

And you're cruising along,
everything's going well,

and you look over on the other side,
and the traffic is packed up.

[laughter]

And you get that little feeling inside.

Like… [giggles]
"I made the right choices in life!"

-[maniacal chortle]
-[laughter, applause]

That's schadenfreude.

You know what schadenfreude is?

Schadenfreude is what happened
when Black women

saw middle-aged white men crying

after Disney said
they were changing The Little Mermaid.

[laughter, cheering]

That's schadenfreude.

That was one of the funniest things
I've ever seen in my life.

Grown men, crying.

[whiny masculine voice]
"This is ruining my childhood!"

"They changed The Little Mermaid!"

"She looks nothing like the original!"

[normal voice] "Nothing"?

She looks nothing like the original,
really? Nothing?

There is nothing that reminds you
of the original when you look at her?

Nothing at all? You realize the only thing
that changed is the color of her skin?

This part of the color of her skin.

The hair's red, the body is fish.

That doesn't remind you
of The Little Mermaid?

That was the main thing that you
recognized in The Little Mermaid? Really?

[laughter]

You know what schadenfreude is?

Schadenfreude

is what

everybody from

Ireland and Kenya

and Trinidad

-and Jamaica…
-[scattered cheering]

-…and South Africa… and India…
-[cheers continue]

…all felt

when the news came out and said,
"The Royal Family has bad news."

-[audience laughing]
-[Trevor chuckles]

Here's the thing people don't understand.
People are like…

[British accent]
"Are you laughing at this?"

"Are you laughing at this?"
[normal voice] "Yes, first of all. But…"

-[laughter]
-"…you're misunderstanding it." Right?

The Royal Family always gets sensitive
about people responding to their bad news.

But they don't understand,
that's not really bad news.

Every time the Royal Family
wants us to feel sorry for them,

is it really bad news? Huh?

They be like… [British accent] "Please,
we ask you for your sympathy right now."

"We have lost Harry and Meghan."

[normal voice]
"Lost them? They're missing?"

[British accent] "No, no."

"Your favorite British couple has now
become your favorite American couple."

-[dramatic sobbing]
-[audience laughing]

[Trevor giggling]

[British accent]
"The Royal Family has bad news."

[normal] "Is it bad news?"
[British] "Yes, it is."

"The Queen has died."
[normal] "Died of what?"

-Finishing life!
-[laughter]

You kidding?
I'm not saying someone shouldn't grieve,

but she finished life.

Do you know how many human beings
don't get to do that? She finished it.

She died as Queen. Died of what? Old age.

That means you finished the game.

Done. Credits are rolling.

[cheers and applause]

Buried with the jewels.

Hashtag "winning."

You want the colonies to be sad?
Those are their jewels.

[laughter]

Africans are like,
"Can we have our diamonds back?"

They're like,
"No, the Queen takes them with her."

[laughter]

You kidding me?

People are like, "This is not the time
to be talking about her."

"You shouldn't be saying bad things
about her. It's not…"

"You shouldn't be speaking ill
of the dead."

-No, that's exactly what you should do.
-[crowd chuckling]

Yeah, the perfect time to talk shit
about people is when they're dead.

-All right?
-[laughter]

Can we agree on this in society?

Maybe be nicer to each other
when we're alive,

and let's talk shit when people die.

-All right?
-[cheers and applause]

Do that for me, people.

When I'm dead,
say whatever you want about me.

When you see me in the streets,
just say hi.

-[laughter]
-You know why? 'Cause I'm gone.

People are like… [angry muttering]

"These people up there
dancing on her grave."

Yeah, that's what graves are for.
That's why they made them flat.

[laughter]

The whole point was
people could dance on them.

Otherwise, they would've made them slanted
so you would slide off.

And even in that, the Queen is winning.

She's got some of the best dancers
dancing on her grave. Huh?

Can you imagine the Africans coming in?

They're just there, huh,
doing their thing?

Then the Irish are like,
"We're up next. Hey!"

"Oh, save us some space on the grave."

You've got the Indians coming in.
"Now it's our moment."

Finally, everyone from the Caribbean…
♪ Murder, she wrote ♪

[laughter, applause]

Give it up!

[audience laughs, applauding]

One of my favorite things

I used to love doing

was watching horror movies

and then judging people
when they made stupid decisions.

[laughter]

I love it.

I watch horror movies.

I wait for people
to make stupid decisions.

And then when they die, I'm like,
"You deserved it."

[laughter]

Never makes sense.

Never.

You know? Someone being chased.

There's, like, a guy in a mask,
and he's got a knife. Right?

Guy's walking.

Person runs to their car.
They always fumble with the keys.

[panicked whimpering]

-Dead. What are you doing?
-[laughter]

What are you doing?

If someone's chasing you with a knife
and you get to a car,

don't bother getting in.
It's a waste of time.

All you do is just run
to this side of the car.

-And then you wait.
-[laughter]

When they go that way, you go this way.

-[laughter]
-They go that way, you go this way.

Yeah, we can do this shit all day.

[vocalizes jaunty tune]

People make the dumbest decisions
in horror movies. I don't get it.

My favorite is when people
just have to hide.

That's all they have to do.
Just hide and shut up.

[laughter]

For an hour and a half, they can't do it.

Like in A Quiet Place.

Have you watched that?
One of my favorite movies of all time.

Yeah? The one with the aliens
that don't see anything?

They just use echolocation
to figure out where everyone is.

-[throaty clicking vocalizations]
-[laughter]

[continues clicking sounds]

There's always the people hiding
in the shed. Just there, like…

-[loud, trembling breaths]
-[laughter]

[quavering] Shh…

-[shuddering sobs]
-[audience laughing]

You just have to be quiet.
You can just chill.

Just be there, chilling.

[chuckles] Could be sitting there
playing Xbox quietly.

-[laughter]
-No… [whimpers]

Shh…

There's always that baby.
[mimics baby giggle]

[shuddering] Shh!

And there'll always be the moment
where you can see the monster's given up.

You know? The moment
where the monster's like… [clicking]

-[rapid clicking]
-[laughter]

And just as it's about to leave,
just as it's about to go,

there's always one idiot,
one idiot who jumps up, like,

"I can't take it anymore!"

"Come get me!"

[mimics impact grunt]
Dead. You deserved it.

[audience laughing]

'Cause I never got it. Right?
I never understood.

Why? All you have to do is wait.

You just stay inside for long enough,
and the danger will subside.

Why can't you do it?
Why is it so hard to just stay inside?

And then the pandemic hit.

[audience laughing]

I was like, "Ah, now I get it."

[laughter continues]

Ah, 'cause we all hit our breaking point.

The pandemic made people crazy.

I thought we were all gonna come together.
That's what I believed.

From all the movies I watched as a kid.

I thought if humans were ever threatened
with an existential threat,

we would abandon every single fight
we were having,

and we would come together to win.

You know?

I thought if that virus came,
we'd all be there.

We'd be like, "All right, no more racism.
No more sexism. Let's do this together."

And we'd go and defeat the enemy aliens,
and then we'd come back,

be like, "All right, let's get back
to the racism and sexism."

[laughter]

Like in Independence Day,
that's what happened. Remember?

Yeah. That's what I grew up watching.

Everyone in the world came together
to fight the aliens. We stopped all our…

There was no politics, no nothing.
We unified, and we won.

And then in real life, what do we do?
We fought each other, and we lost.

We were supposed to be a team.

Will Smith was supposed to be our hero.

[laughter]

None of it went as planned!

[applause]

[Trevor chortles]

[audience chuckling]

I wonder if that's how the dinosaurs
went out, you know?

Maybe they just couldn't
agree on anything.

Maybe some warned the others,
like, "There's an asteroid!"

"There's an asteroid
coming down to Earth!"

Other dinosaurs are like,
"Asteroids are not real!"

[laughter]

"It's a hoax!"

That rock smashed into the planet…
[mimics impact explosion]

Dust covered the globe.

All the dinosaurs were
running around in panic,

"Ahh! The dust is everywhere!"

-"Wear a mask! Wear a mask!"
-[laughter]

The T. rex was like, "I can't!"

[laughter continues]

[giggling]

You know what's so crazy is…

I thought the pandemic was gonna
ravage Africa the worst.

Yeah, I won't lie. I was terrified.

I was terrified for the African continent.

My whole life, I'd seen, whenever there
was a virus that broke out in the world,

if it got to Africa, we got it the worst.

I remember when it started spreading
around the globe.

I was getting ready for it.

My friends from home
were calling me on the phone.

They're like, "Trevor, are you seeing
what's happening with coronavirus?"

"Yeah, I'm seeing it."
"What do you think's gonna happen?"

Like, "Aww, man.
You guys are screwed, man."

[laughter]

"You guys?"
Like, "Yeah. I'm in America, baby."

"I made the right choices in life."

[laughter]

Turns out it was the other way around.

Pound for pound, Africa did better
than any other continent

in handling the disease.

[cheers and applause]

Shocked everyone.

What was even wilder was this…

When Ebola was happening in Africa,

the news always made it seem like
it was Africans' fault for having Ebola.

Every time you'd watch the news,
there was always a subtle level of blame

that was happening
in the news reports, right?

Didn't humanize the people.

It would always be someone random
on, like, Sky or the BBC standing there.

There'd be dead bodies
piled up behind them. Like,

"Sarah, I'm standing in West Africa,
where as you can see behind me

the bodies of Ebola victims
are piling up."

"Many European scientists are asking

if unfortunately these Africans
have themselves to blame."

"They've been refusing the advice
of the World Health Organization,

not understanding the importance
of distancing from each other

during this time."

"And it appears that they only
have themselves to blame."

"Dillian Pann, BBC.
Back to you in the studio."

And I would watch this and be like, "No!"

"Africans, why do we do this
to ourselves?"

"Why, Africa?"

"Why?"

"Why do we love doing this to ourselves?"

"Why do we like kissing monkeys?"

-Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
-[laughter]

Mwah, mwah, mwah. "The lips are so sexy."

[laughter]

And then when COVID came,

Africans used everything they had learned

from every virus they had to fight
without the help of the West,

and they dealt with it better
than any other continent.

[applause]

Didn't get credit, by the way.
Everyone made it seem like it was luck.

That's where the world is lucky
that Africans aren't spiteful.

Yeah.

Africans aren't spiteful people.

'Cause I would've given anything
to see one African news anchor be like,

"Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to the Africa News Network."

"Tonight, we are covering
the ongoing coronavirus pandemic

that is ravaging the Western world."

"Many African scientists are asking

if these people
do not have themselves to blame."

[laughter]

"Many of them have refused the advice
of the World Health Organization,

completely ignoring
the social distancing methods."

"Some have even had to be shown
how to wash their own hands."

-[tsking]
-[audience laughing]

"Savages."

[cheers and applause]

"It appears what has been increasing
the severity of this problem

is the fact that some do not even want
to wear masks across their face,

saying, quote, 'I cannot breathe
through this piece of cloth.'"

[laughter]

"This is commonly known by scientists
as 'bitch-ass lungs syndrome.'"

-[laughter]
-"Back to you in the studio, Chippewa."

[cheers and applause]

Would've given anything to see that.

One of the biggest side effects of COVID
that I didn't expect

is how stupid it would make human beings.

[laughter]

Yeah. If there's one thing
coronavirus did,

it taught me how many of my friends
are absolute idiots.

Everyone studied
at the University of Facebook.

[laughter]

Everyone's a scientist. [chuckles]

Everyone had a conspiracy theory.

"You know what happened here.
The government did this."

"Oh, the government?"
"Yeah. The government did this."

"Why?" "To control us."

"You thought this gave them control?"

[audience snickering]

"You think governments wanted this?"

Which do you think
gives a government more control?

A population
that goes to work, earns money,

buys things they can't afford,
get into debt, have to go back to work,

do more of the thing they don't like
to get more money

to pay the debt for the thing
they didn't need,

for the thing they didn't need or afford.

To get more money to go to the job
for the thing they don't like,

for the thing they didn't need,

to get the loan for the money
for the thing they didn't want,

to get into more debt
to get the thing they don't want,

to go to the job they don't need
for the money…

Which do you think
gives them more control? That?

Or everyone just sitting at home

with free money, thinking about life?

[laughter]

Everyone just sitting at home, like,

"How come a weekend's only two days?"

[laughter]

[Trevor chuckles]

That's a government's worst nightmare.

Conspiracies were stupid.

Here's the thing. I'm not against
conspiracy theories. Right?

Please understand that.
I actually like a good conspiracy theory.

In fact, I think everybody
should hold one.

I think, in your life, you should hold
at least one good conspiracy theory.

-Yeah. Keeps you on your toes.
-[crowd chuckling]

Don't just trust everything
everyone tells you.

You gotta have one.

Like, mine? My personal favorite?

I believe

that gluten is concentrated
white privilege.

[laughter]

You know I'm right.

[laughter continues]

But COVID, oh, man,
the conspiracies were ridiculous.

Especially because I know
what really happened.

All right? That's what frustrated me.

No, I do.

I knew exactly what caused COVID.
I saw it coming and I didn't say anything.

-My bad, by the way. I, uh…
-[laughter]

Yeah, it was too much wishing.

We wished too much.

I saw it coming.

You know, when I was young,
wishing was something that was special.

Didn't happen that much.

You had to have
a special set of circumstances

in order to make a wish.

You'd find a clover
with the right amount of leaves. Yeah?

There'd be a star, shooting.

"Where?" "There!" [gasps] Too late.

[laughter]

Or it had to be your birthday.

They'd bring out the candles.

And if you blew them all out,

you could make a wish.

And if you missed any, you died.

[laughter]

But then people
just started wishing for anything, huh?

Find an eyelash on their cheek…
[dramatic gasp]

"Make a wish!"

Know how many of these shits
are on your face at any given time?

[laughter]

People started wishing on, like, the time.

-Right? Be like, "11:11."
-[laughter]

"Make a wish!"

-That's every day.
-[laughter]

Twice a day on this side of the world,
'cause people don't like big numbers.

[laughter]

You can't wish every day. That's not
a special occasion. But people did it.

People were wishing.
Wishing, wishing, wishing.

Everywhere. Even rappers got involved.

"Oh, I wish a nigga would." Would what?
You can't just leave it open-ended.

[laughter]

And that's how we got COVID.
All our wishes came together.

And they all came true at the same time.

And that's what we got.

Yeah, COVID was like an asshole genie
that gave us everything we asked for.

[laughter]

We all wished.

How many people were rubbing that lamp

at the beginning of 2020?

Just wishing away, like,

"Oh, I wish I didn't have to go
into the office every day."

"Oh!" [mimics whoosh]

-[evil chortling]
-[audience laughing]

[malevolent voice] "Your wish is granted."

[laughter]

Yeah, you wished
not to go into the office.

You forgot to wish that the office
wouldn't come into your house.

[laughter]

[scattered applause]

Now you are stuck,

every day, on Zoom,

can't blink,
gotta make constant eye contact.

-"Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh."
-[laughter]

"Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh."

Had to find the one corner of your house

that made it look like
you had your shit together.

[laughter]

Everybody wished.

And, boy, we got what we wished for.

How many parents were rubbing that lamp?

Wishing away?

"Oh, I wish I could spend more time
with my kids. Oh!"

"Oh!" [mimics whoosh]

-[evil chortling]
-[audience laughing]

[malevolent voice] "Your wish is granted."

[laughter]

Yeah.

A lot of parents realized
the only reason you like your kids

is because you only know them part-time.

[laughter, applause]

[scattered cheers, whistles]

You meet them in the morning,
send them off, tuck them in at night.

It's a pretty sweet gig.

[laughter]

But the next thing you know,
everyone was trapped indoors, 24/7.

Ooh, it was so fun
to watch the parents flip.

It was so fun. Remember at the beginning,
all the parents were there,

like, "You will not open the schools!"

"My children are not going anywhere!"

"I will protect them at all costs."

"I'm a mama bear and I'll protect
my cubs, you hear me?"

"You will not open the schools
until the virus is gone!"

[laughter]

-Nine months later…
-[laughter continues]

Those same parents were there,
screaming on the stoop.

-"When are the goddamn schools opening?"
-[laughter]

"You can't expect me to spend all day
with these kids! Who am I, their mom?!"

[laughter]

"They should be in school!"

Kids are like, "But, Mommy,
there's a new variant out there."

"Listen, Timmy, at some point you're gonna
have to see what you're made of, okay?"

[laughter]

"Either your lungs are gonna make it
or they ain't. All right, buddy?"

"Now get on out there
and see what you're made of."

"If Simba could do it, so can you.
Hakuna matata."

"Go on, buddy. Go on."

-[laughter, applause]
-[Trevor laughing]

We all wished!

How many couples out there were wishing?

[laughter]

Rubbing away at that lamp.

Looking into each other's eyes.

Like, "Damn, girl."

"I wish I could be locked
in a room with you all day."

-[laughter]
-"Mmm, mmm, mmm!"

"Mmm, girl, I wish they would lock us up
and throw away the key."

"The things I would do to you."

"Oh, yeah? What would you do to me?"

"Girl, I wish they would tell us
we could only see each other all day."

"All day."

-[mimics whoosh, chortles evilly]
-[laughter]

[malevolent voice] "Your wish is granted."

Lot of couples

learned a lot during the pandemic.

Lot of couples learned a lot
during the pandemic.

Lot of people realized

that love may be unconditional,

but "like" has a time-limit.

[laughter]

"'Cause I love you, baby.
I just don't know if I like you anymore."

[laughter continues]

It all started as so much fun, remember?
In the beginning, it was like a sleepover.

"Oh my God, this is so much fun!"

And then the weeks turned into months.

The months turned into years.

And at some point,
you'd be sitting in the house

with a glaze over your eyes,

and you'd hear them

coughing on the other side.

[mimics weak coughing]

-And you'd be like, "Yes."
-[laughter]

"Oh, yes, Jesus."

"Take them now, Lord."

"If it's their time, it's their time."

"Let thy will be done, Lord Jesus."

-"I could use the extra office space."
-[laughter]

You know,

one of the things that saddens me the most
about the world we live in is that

we oftentimes don't have the luxury
to process the whys.

We know that things happen.

We feel the things happening to us.

But oftentimes,

we don't make the time
or don't have the time to process

the why.

Why were we so angry?

Why did we fight each other so much?

We had no compassion for each other.

We were the worst of ourselves.

And you know, if you ask me, it's because…

we were scared.

As humans, we've become so comfortable

knowing,

that we forget how uncertain life is.

We get taught every single day
that "we know, we know, we know."

We get comfortable knowing,
so you think you'll always know.

"What's the traffic gonna be like?"
You know.

"What's the weather gonna be like?"
You know. "Oh, it'll rain on Thursday."

Understand what a magic trick that is?

If you had that technology 500 years ago,

you're like, "It'll rain Thursday,"
people will be like…

-[mimics tribal chanting]
-[audience laughing]

We take that for granted,
but it's also made us forget that

life is uncertain.

We don't know. The pandemic showed it.

It exposed every one of us.

And I think the thing we need to take
a moment to think about is the why.

Why were we so angry?
Why were we so frustrated?

It wasn't because of movies,

it wasn't because we couldn't
go out to parties,

it wasn't because we couldn't
go to the mall, any of that shit.

It's because we lost each other.

-I lost you. You lost me.
-[cheers and applause]

We lost this.

You know?

That's the real thing
people were frustrated about.

And what made it worse was governments
made it seem like they knew.

I think that's the thing
that made it worse.

They were so confident,

they made it seem like they knew.

They said it would be 21 days.

[laughter]

Twenty-one days.
I will never forget that number.

'Cause we didn't ask why.

Right?

We heard of China building
a 10,000-person hospital overnight.

None of us asked, "Why?"

-[laughter]
-We were just like, "Ah, China."

"They love building shit."

[laughter continues]

I remember how confident world leaders
were as well.

Some more cocky than others.

One of my favorites was

Prime Minister of the UK, Boris Johnson.

Yeah.

He was an interesting one.

[laughter]

He went to a hospital

during the pandemic,

and he was hugging people.

Like, right at the beginning,
he was hugging people.

Journalists asked him,
"Prime Minister Johnson,

do you think it's appropriate
to be hugging people during…"

He's like, "First of all, everyone needs
to calm down. This is not a pandemic."

"Look at my hair. Do I look stressed?
Everybody needs to calm down."

"Nothing… Everything is fine.
I can touch people."

"We're not shutting down.
Everything stays open."

"The pubs will stay open,
the football stays open."

"Excuse me, I have to go…"
[dramatic vocalizations]

He was just gone. He didn't give a shit.
You know?

America's president,
oh, he was even cockier.

Yeah. You see him when he came out?
Donald J. Trump?

Oh, he had all the swag.

He was like,
"Folks, we're gonna have it handled."

-"In 21 days, 21 days."
-[laughter]

"The virus will be gone, 21 days."

"Some are even saying 20."

[laughter, applause]

That disease came and kicked
Trump and Boris deep in the chest.

Both men went to the ICU, almost died.
Only reason they survived

is because they're both heads of state.
They gave them that secret juice.

Boris, to his credit, he came out
of that hospital like he had seen Jesus.

[laughter]

He came from the hospital,
held a press conference,

shut everything down.

He came there, barely dressed,
like, "Everybody, this is not a joke."

"I've seen it for myself.
The UK's shutting down."

"Please, football's gone.
The pubs are gone."

"Do not take this lightly.
I've experienced it myself."

"I promise, this is not fun.
I can't talk, I have to go."

"Please, I can't talk. I have to…"
And he was just gone.

Gone! That man was terrified.

I was half-expecting coronavirus
to come around the corner.

-Like… [clicking]
-[audience laughing, applauding]

[cheering]

Trump, on the other hand,
didn't give a damn.

That man will die from being stubborn.

He came out of the hospital,

could barely breathe,
but still held a press conference.

Didn't even speak. Was just like…
[dramatic wheezing]

-[audience laughing]
-[continues wheezing]

[laughter continues]

[mimics Trump] "If I can do it…"

[wheezes] "…so can you."

-[audience laughing, cheering]
-[laughing]

Ah, man.

[cheers and applause]

I honestly don't get how anybody
voted for that man.

[laughter]

I really don't get it.

[crowd cheering]

And by the way,

I don't mean politically.

All right? I understand.

People will vote for the politics
they wanna vote for. I get that.

What I don't understand
is why people voted for him.

What was even crazier
was that some people voted for him

and then were disappointed by who he was.

[laughter]

That was the craziest thing
I've ever seen.

People were like,
"I can't believe what he's doing."

"I can't believe what he's doing."

"I'm sorry, you can't believe
what's happening?"

"Donald Trump. Can you believe this?"

"Can I believe he's doing the same thing
he's been doing his whole life?"

"Yeah, I can't believe this.
This is shock--"

"You're shocked?"

Donald Trump is the least shocking human
being I've ever come across in my life.

He is consistently being himself.

The man is a clichéd villain.

Looks like a villain,
talks like a villain.

He looks like he should be
in a Scooby-Doo episode.

[laughter, applause]

With that face, with that vibe?

You could see him in the lineup
when they're trying to solve the crime.

"Who do you think it is, Scoob?" Be like,

"Oh, it wasn't me,
I'll tell you that much."

"I didn't do anything. I'm innocent."

-[as Trump] "I'm innocent. So innocent."
-[laughter]

"Some say, the most innocent man
who's ever lived."

Be like, "Yeah, I think it's that guy."

[laughter]

I just don't get it.

Why would you vote…? I mean, actually…

I get it, but I don't understand.

'Cause what I get and I've realized is,

in the United States of America,

if you want to win an election,
all you need to have is a strange voice.

[crowd chuckling]

Simple as that.
Wanna be president of the United States?

Get a strange voice, you're done.

Yeah, forget policies, forget ideas.
That's boring.

You come out there, "Here are my--"

"Boo!"

"Normal-sounding-ass bitch."

[laughter]

No.

You come out there with a strange voice,
the people love it.

You realize there's been
no American president

who has a normal speaking voice. None.

You can go back as far as you want.
None of them spoke normal. None.

Go back as far as… Like, JFK.

JFK. He didn't speak normal.

He had that thing. [mimics trebly voice]
"Ask not what your country can do for you,

but ask what you can do for your…"
That's not normal.

[laughter]

Don't care what anybody says.
That's not normal.

You're telling me that man
was standing in a McDonald's,

ordering food with that voice?

Like, "Could I please get a number one,
medium, with fries."

"And I'll also have a McFlurry, please."

"What do you mean
the ice cream machine is broken?"

[laughter]

That's not normal.

No American presidents speak normal. None.

Bill Clinton. He didn't speak normal.

He always did that thing where it sounded
like he was trying to seduce the audience.

You know? Like…

[gravelly, seductive voice]
"I did not have sexual relations…"

[laughter]

"…with that woman."

[sleazy chuckle]

What are you doing?

[laughter]

No American president spoke normal.
None of them.

George Bush, he didn't speak normal.

Always did that weird chuckly thing.

[Southern accent]
"Gonna find the people that did this,

and then bomb
a totally different country."

-[snarky chuckle]
-[laughter]

"Fool me once…" [snarky chuckle]

That's not normal.

No American president spoke normal. None.

Barack Obama, he didn't speak normal.

Always did that thing where it sounded
like his voice was buffering.

-"Uh…"
-[laughter]

"Uh… as Americans,

uh, we gotta try to get, uh…
faster internet."

[laughter, cheers]

That's not normal.

Joe Biden, he doesn't speak normal.

You kidding me?

He just fades into mumbles
every time he gives a speech.

-[laughter]
-Not normal. He'll be up there, like,

"That's why the most important thing
to understand…" [mumbling]

"…the dreams of the finest negroes.
Come on, man."

-[laughter]
-"Come on. Please."

"I mean it."

"Come on."

That's not normal.

-Trump, that was the weirdest of all.
-[laughter]

Every other American president
was predictable.

You understood the ebb and flow.

Trump, you never knew what to expect.

All right? The volume on his voice,
all over the place.

Inflection where it didn't make sense.

Do you know how hard it was
to figure out where to put the volume

-on your TV when watching his speech?
-[laughter]

I had to sit there and ride it
like a shitty DJ the whole time.

As he would speak. Because you wouldn't
know when it'd happen.

He'd be up there, "I think, as Americans,

-we try and try, so try, big trying."
-[laughter]

"All trying."

"I know this. I do."

"But I know and I think

if we can, we can,

but we won't, but we will,
but maybe. But…"

-[laughter]
-What?

[cheers and applause]

It's not normal.

That's why I laugh whenever I come
to Canada and watch your news.

[laughter]

Every time I come to Canada,
I turn on the news, and they'll be like,

"There's a Canadian scandal happening."

"Justin Trudeau in another scandal."

He has the most adorable scandals.
You kidding me?

Compared to American presidents?
What? They're like, "He's scandalous."

"Has he been convicted of anything?
Then shut the hell up."

-[laughter]
-Be like, "He's scandalous."

He's got the terrible…
"He slept at a rich man's house."

[chortling]

Ah, that's adorable.

[laughter]

My favorite scandal of Justin Trudeau's,
by far,

is the one where
he went on a trip to India.

[laughter]

And then became Indian.

[laughter, applause]

That has to be one of the greatest
scandals of all time.

I remember when it broke.

He took off. He was wearing a suit.
He left Canada.

Waving on the plane.
"Goodbye. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye."

Got on, flew to India, landed.

Doors opened, and he came out,
and he was already half-Indian.

[laughter]

Had the jacket on.

But what was crazy

was that as the trip progressed,
he became more and more Indian

each day.

Clearly, no one's telling him
what's happening on the news in Canada,

because Canadians were losing it.

Like, "This is disrespectful!
How can you do this, eh?"

And he was out there
becoming more and more Indian.

It started with the top,
and then he went down to the pants.

He had the full outfit.
Then he had the headdress.

My favorite was when he walked
into a meeting with Indian dignitaries

and they were all wearing suits.

[laughter]

[applause]

This man walked into that meeting

looking like he was about to audition
for Baat Ban.

-You were like, "What the hell is this?"
-[laughter]

He was getting so Indian
that I was hoping a moment would come

where he'd be in the middle of a speech,

and I was just hoping
suddenly he'd be like…

"Can I just say how proud I am

of the work we've done together?"

"As Canadians and as Indians…"

[singing] ♪ …we… ♪

-[rhythmic vocalizations]
-[laughter, applause]

[vocalizing in Indian musical style]

-[cheers and applause]
-I was hoping that would happen.

I was waiting for it.

"The biggest scandal of all time."

"He became Indian."

[laughter]

I don't think it was that bad.

I just think he tries too hard,
to be honest.

You know, I think Justin Trudeau
tries too hard.

Tries too hard to show he's compassionate.
Tries too hard, you know?

I don't think it's that bad.
And look, I'm biased.

I know I'm biased. I am.

Because I… I too have Trudeau'd.

[laughter]

I'll… Yeah.

I'll confess it here tonight.

I too have Trudeau'd, Canada.

[crowd chuckling]

I too have tried too hard to connect
with a group of people, and…

it did not go well.

[laughter]

My story happened in Edinburgh, Scotland.

[scattered cheers]

Beautiful place.
If you've never been, go. Stunning.

Everything.

The place is full of history.

The people are lovely and warm.

The place isn't, but the people are.

[laughter]

Everything is old.
They love telling you that.

Everywhere you'll go in Edinburgh,
people will be like,

"How old d'ya think that bridge is?"

Like, "I don't know."
They're like, "Three hundred years old."

Like, "Oh, okay." They be like,
"That church, 500 years old."

-"Meet my son, 800 years old."
-[laughter]

"He looks six."
"Aye. Scottish workmanship."

[laughter]

But they're a wonderful people.
It was really great out there.

We were there for a comedy festival, okay?

And…

what I do whenever I'm traveling is,

if I get to be in the same place
as my friends,

we try and spend as much time together.

And what we'll do is we'll order food
or we'll go out, and when we do that,

we allow one person to designate the meal.

Nobody negotiates.
Everybody gets to pick a day.

And so, whenever my day comes around,

consistently I pick Indian food.

All right? Yeah, I think
it's the best cuisine in the world.

-Nothing comes close.
-[cheering]

You don't agree with me, let's meet
in the parking lot and we can fight.

[laughter]

I love Indian food.
Loved it my whole life.

We're in Edinburgh. I'm with friends.
"Where are we going?"

"Trevor, what do you say?"
I'm like, "Indian food." "Every time!"

"Yes, every time, Indian food."

"It's always the same."
"Then why keep asking?"

-"If you know, you know. Stop asking me."
-[laughter]

And I searched for where we were gonna go.

I always try and find the most authentic
Indian restaurant I can find.

I mean, like,
authentic Indian restaurants.

You know? What I'll do is I'll go
to a place, and then I'll ask around.

I'll ask people, like, "Where do you go?"

Then like, where the white people
tell me, I don't go there.

[laughter]

[Trevor chuckles]

So I found this authentic spot.

And it was… I was so happy.

Now, the reason it had to be so authentic,

just so you understand a little bit of me…

I grew up in South Africa, as you know.
Right?

Now, what a lot of people may not know
is that South Africa

has one of the largest Indian populations
outside of India.

All right? One of the largest Indian
populations outside of India.

I know Canada's number one now.

[laughter]

But when I was growing up,

we had the single largest population
of Indians outside of India.

Yeah. So if India blew up…

[mimics explosion]

We were India.

[laughter]

It was that close.

And so I was lucky enough to grow up
surrounded by Indian culture.

In fact, one of my best friends growing up

was a little Indian boy
by the name of Theesan Pillay.

And we were thick as thieves.

I don't think you understand.
Every day, we hung out together.

We spent our recesses together.

We're hanging out, eating,
everything together.

Because we had so many things in common.

We met at the beginning
of the school year,

and we had so many things in common.

Like, he liked running. I liked running.

So…

[laughter]

Theesan and I would spend
every day together.

And our ritual was simple.
We'd go to all the classes we did,

and then we'd meet
at what we called break time.

At break time,
we'd sit and eat lunch together.

Now, our lunches were very different.
All right?

Because Theesan would get a packed lunch
from his mom every single day.

I would get money from my mom to buy food

from the school tuck shop. Right?

Cafeteria. Right?

So I'd go and buy the food every day.

'Cause my mom couldn't cook, right?

Well, she tried once, and I was like,
"Don't do this ever again."

-[laughter]
-"This is child abuse."

"Just give me the money."

So, I would buy the food every day.

Theesan, on the other hand, had food
that his mom made every day.

And every day, the meal was curry.

I know this

because every day, we'd sit down together,

Theesan would open his little lunchbox,

he'd take out his little can of juice,

he'd unwrap his sandwich
with little triangles cut out.

And then he'd pull it out,

he'd open the bread,

look inside, and then he'd scream
at the top of his lungs.

He'd be like, "Curry!"

[laughter]

"Damn it, Mommy."

[laughter]

Every day.

Every day, we'd sit down,
I'd have my food, he'd have his.

He'd take the juice out of the box,
unwrap the sandwich, look in between,

and be like, "Curry!"

"Damn it, Mommy."

[laughter]

Every single day.

Without fail.

Every day. Mutton curry.

Lamb curry.

Potato curry. Every curry you can imagine.

But it was curry every single day.

"Curry!" It was my favorite
part of the day.

[laughter]

Some days, I wouldn't even open my lunch
for fear of missing the moment.

I would just sit there next to him,
waiting.

And he'd open it up and be like, "Curry!"

And I'd mouth it next to him.
"Damn it, Mommy."

[laughter]

Every day for months and months
and months and months, this happened.

And then finally,

finally,

at the risk of breaking it all,

I turn to Theesan one day,
he screams, like, "Curry!"

"Damn it, Mommy."

And I was like, "Theesan."

"You know it's gonna be curry every day."

[audience chuckling]

He said, "What?"

[laughter]

I said, "It's gonna be curry
every single day."

"Every day, you open the bread,

and then, every day, you're shocked
and you're like, 'Curry! Damn it, Mommy.'"

"But it's always gonna be curry."

And he said, "I know, Trevor. I know."

"I'm not shocked. I'm just disappointed."

[laughter]

"Right? Because every single day, right,
I come to school,

and then every day,
I'm like, 'I wanna eat lunch.'"

"And every day, I open the box
and I know what it's gonna be

because last night, we had the curry."

"Then what my mom does
is she takes last night's curry,

then she put it in a sandwich for me,

and then that's the curry
I'm gonna have today."

"Then I know when I go home tonight,

I'm gonna eat the curry
I know is coming the next day."

"So every single day, I'm getting curry."

"It's curry and then there's
gonna be more curry."

"Trevor, I know I'm Indian,
but it's too much, man."

[laughter]

"I just want something different,
you know?"

"They say variety's the spice of life,
not just curry."

[laughter continues]

I was like, "Ah, but, Theesan, is it…
Like, is it bad?"

-He said, "I don't even know anymore."
-[laughter]

"I lost perspectives."

"Here, you can have it."

And he gave me his curry sandwich.

I bit it.

And, Toronto,
there are moments in your life…

[laughter]

…that'll forever shape who you are.

[laughter continues]

Moments that will define
who you grow on to be.

This was one of those moments.

I put that sandwich in my mouth,

I bit down, and my mouth came alive.

My tongue discovered its purpose.

I didn't know potatoes
could pop like that.

-The flavors were bouncing around.
-[audience cheering]

My eyes opened wide.

It was… I was like, "Wow!"
I was like, "Curry!"

[laughter]

"Thank you, Mommy."

[laughter, applause]

And I said, "Theesan, this is amazing.
You eat this every day?"

And he's like, "Every damn day."

[laughter]

And I was like, "Okay, let's swap."

"I'll give you my money for tuck shop,

and then you give me
your curry food, every day."

And we did that. We traded.

Let me tell you something.
You thought we were best friends before,

we turned into soulmates.

[laughter]

Yeah, because we both
got everything we dreamed of.

All right? I got to have
a home-cooked meal every single day.

And as an Indian person, he got to start
a business. Theesan was in heaven.

[laughter]

It was perfect.

[applause]

And since then, I've loved curry.

So, fast-forward many decades.
Edinburgh, Scotland.

Going out with my friends.

We're choosing a spot. I choose Indian.

Authentic Indian.
We get to the place, and it's legit.

Like, it is legit. We walk in
and there's Indian music playing.

There are Indian people eating.
Indian cooks in the back.

Indian waiters. Indian garbs on the wall.

-I'm like, "This is it. I'm home."
-[laughter]

We walked in, sat down.

And as soon as we sat,
one of my friends, Steve,

launches for the menu.
And I was like, "Steve, Steve."

"It's cool. I'll just order
for everyone at the table."

And he's like, "Oh, that's fine, Trevor.
I'll order for myself, thank you."

I was like,
"No, it's not about that, Steve."

"I just prefer to order
for all of us, yeah?"

"All right? You good?"

He's like, "Uh, I don't know
why that's necessary. I…"

"I think I'll just order for myself.
Is that okay?"

I was like, "It's not, no.
It's not okay, Steve."

-[laughter]
-"It's not okay. All right?"

"Because you're probably gonna say
some shit that's gonna embarrass me

in front of my Indian people. All right?"

"So I just need you
to back off for a moment."

He's like, "I'm sorry. What would I say
that could embarrass you

in front of Indian people?"

I was like, "I don't know,
and I don't want it to happen."

"Just let me handle this, okay?"

He's like, "Let you handle this?"

"Trevor, I'll have you know that
I've eaten curry for many, many years."

I'm like, "Steve, not the time.
Just let's not argue, okay? Not the time."

He's like, "What do you mean?
Why would I embarrass you? Why?"

I was like, "You don't need to know why.
Let's just not."

"No, why? Because I'm white?"

I was like,
"You brought it up, not me. All right?"

"I wasn't gonna bring up race,
but you did."

"You brought it up. Let's talk about it."

Every time I take my white friends
to an ethnic restaurant,

they always say some shit
that embarrasses me.

Every single time. Every time.

Either they don't know how
to pronounce the food

or they'll say some random shit.

Like, "Can I get that one? The papadums?"

"What do you call these ones?"

"Can I get this one, but not spicy?"

-"Kill yourself!"
-[laughter]

"Can I get the curry, but not spicy?"
"Kill yourself!"

[laughter]

How you gonna ask for curry but not spicy?

That's the whole point of curry.

You want curry without the spice.

What, do you go to a sushi restaurant
and ask for the fish slightly boiled?

[laughter]

"Don't want the spice."

"Your forefathers went around the world
killing people for this spice!"

-"Now you don't want it?"
-[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

"Shut up and eat the spice, Steve."

And he's like, "Trevor, I really don't
understand where this is coming from."

"All right? I'm not gonna embarrass you.
I understand curry."

I was like, "Let's just leave it at that.
I've got you."

"I understand this way more than you."

He's like, "I'm sorry,
you're not more Indian than me."

Like, "I'm sorry, what?"

Like, "Yeah, you are not
more Indian than me."

I was like, "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai."

[laughter]

"What the hell is that?" "Exactly."

"Don't tell me
I'm not more Indian than you."

"You shut up. When the waiter comes in…"
He's like, "I'm not gonna shut up."

Like, "You shut up!"
Like, "Okay, fine. Order, then."

The waiter walks over,

this beautiful Indian man,
got his beautiful Indian garb,

and he steps up.

And I know Steve. I can see him
questioning my authority

out of the corner of my eye.

And that's when I Trudeau'd.

[laughter]

I was just a little too hyped.

I wanted to show him
that these were my people.

As the waiter got there,
I didn't let him speak.

I just jumped up and was like…
[Indian accent] "Good evening."

[laughter]

"I'm going to be ordering
for the entire table, please."

[laughter continues]

"Could we please have
three garlic roll naans?"

"We're going to have, uh,
three rumali rotis."

"Give us one shahi paneer,
one palak paneer."

[audience cheering]

"You know what? We're going to have
a rogan josh. Lamb, of course."

[laughter]

"Could we also please have one butter
chicken for my Caucasian friends?"

[laughter, applause]

"And then we're going
to have three samosas

and three mango lassis
to wash it all down."

"Thank you very much."

[laughter]

I crushed it.

[cheers and applause]

I could feel it.

Everyone could feel it.

They could feel something.

[laughter]

'Cause the table went dead.

[laughter]

The waiter just stared at me.

At first I thought he was impressed.
Then I realized he was confused.

[laughter]

And this Indian man leans in,

looks me dead in the eye, and he's like…

[Scottish accent] "Sorry, sir,
could you repeat what you said?"

[laughter, applause]

"I canna hear what you were saying.
You got a bit of an accent."

[laughter]

-And I was like, "Oh, shit!"
-[laughter]

"He's Scottish!"

I mean, I know he's Scot…
We're in Scotland.

Scottish… But, like, he's Indian!
I didn't expect that, right?

Because the whole place is Indian.
Indian restaurant, people were Indian.

Indian garbs on the wall.
The guy was Indian.

His beard was Indian.
But his mouth was Shrek.

-I didn't expect that.
-[laughter]

And now he didn't understand me.

'Cause I Trudeau'd too much.

[laughter]

I didn't need to try so hard.

But then I realized

I also couldn't stop.

[laughter]

'Cause that would be racist.

[laughter]

So now,

I've got this Scottish-Indian man
looking at me.

Everyone's quiet, and he's like,

"If you don't mind, laddie, could you
order again, a little slower this time?"

"I didna hear what ya said."

[Indian accent] "You want me to place
the entire order again?"

[laughter]

[Scottish accent] "Aye, if you don't mind.
I'm ready whenever you are."

[Indian accent] "I think everybody can
order for themselves at the table. I…"

"I don't think it's necessary
to hold their hands."

"Everybody can order individually."

"And we can go from there, okay?
We can go from there."

Steve was like, "Oh, I wish I could,

but I'm so afraid
I might offend someone. I…"

[laughter]

"I think my friend here should order
for us. Please, Trevor, go ahead."

"Go ahead.
You're far more cultured than I am."

I said, "No, Steve, please.
You can try your hand."

"I'm sure you know what you want."

He's like, "No, but what if I say
something embarrassing?"

"The last thing I'd want to do is offend
another person's culture, Trevor."

"You can't offend anybody.
There are no mistakes here, okay?"

"We are all friends, okay?"

"If anybody make a mistake,
we forget about it."

"In fact, whatever happens today,
we're all gonna forget about it, okay?"

"Just order. Just order."

He's like, "No, I really wish I could,
but Trevor, please go on."

I said, "No, just order, Steve."
"No, please, Trevor."

I was like, "Order, bastard!"

[laughter]

"Just order!"

The waiter was like, "Hey, there's no need
to fight amongst yourselves."

"Look, clearly your friend's
a little uncomfortable."

"Right? Just order for him."

[Indian accent]
"Yes, it's totally uncomfortable."

"Okay, could we please have, um…

uh, three rumali rotis, and…

three garlic naan,

uh, one shahi paneer, one palak paneer,

and, uh, could we also
get a lamb rogan josh?"

"And we're also going to be having,
uh, one butter chicken--"

"For your Caucasian friends?"

-[laughter]
-"For anybody. For anybody."

"Anybody can enjoy different types of
curry. They don't all have to be spicy."

"It doesn't matter,
as long as you participate."

"There is no wrong way."

"Oh, you're so understanding, Trevor."

"Yes. Yes, I am."

[laughter]

"Could we, um, also please get, uh--"

-[mimics phone buzzing]
-[audience laughing]

[continues mimicking buzzing]

[audience chuckling]

-[continues mimicking buzzing]
-[laughter]

[Scottish accent]
"Aren't you gonna answer that?"

-[continues mimicking buzzing]
-[laughter]

[Indian accent]
"No, they can call me back later."

[continues buzzing]

[Scottish accent] "It's getting awkward.
Just answer your phone. I'll wait."

[buzzing]

[Indian accent] "Okay."

-[buzzing]
-[laughter]

[mimics button click]

[audience laughing]

[Indian accent] "Hello?"

[audience laughing]

"Yes, this is Trevor speaking.
How can I help you?"

[laughter]

"Yes, no, one and the same.
Can you get to the point?"

"I can't talk right now. Can you…"

"Can you tell me what you need?
I can't speak for too long. Can you…"

"No, there is nothing wrong
with my voice. Can you just get…"

[laughter]

"No, everything's fine.
No, I have not been kidnapped. No."

"I have not been kidnapped.
Everything is fine."

"This is not a secret message.
Just, can you tell me what you need?"

"No, we can talk later then. We--"

"No, yeah, my voice is like this
sometimes. Don't worry about that."

"Just-- No, and I think I know my voice."

"I know my voice also."

"Well, I've been me my whole life, okay?"

"Okay, fine. We'll talk later.
We'll talk later."

"Okay, okay, okay.
Love you too, Mommy. Bye-bye."

[laughter, applause]

Most awkward meal
I've ever had in my life.

I barely ate a thing.

I just sat there thinking about my life.

[laughter]

We finally get up to leave.

Steve is beaming from ear to ear.

[laughter]

They walk out ahead of me,

and as I'm leaving the restaurant,
the waiter waves us off.

[Scottish accent] "Good night, everybody!
Have a great night."

And we wave at him. He's like,
"Excuse me, before you go, hey."

"Aren't you Trevor Noah?"

[laughter]

"The comedian, right?"

I was like, "Yeah. Yeah, why?"

He's like, "Oh, no, because…"

[Indian accent]
"I totally got you, Trevor!"

[laughter]

-"I totally got you, Trevor!"
-[laughter continues]

Like, "Wait, wait, what…?"

"Wait, you're Indian?"
He's like, "Of course I'm Indian!"

"Of course I'm Indian!
Whole place is Indian!"

"I totally got you, huh?"

I said, "I don't understand."
He's like, "You don't understand?"

"You walked in. I said,
'Look, Trevor Noah's coming.'"

"Then you start talking with accent.
I go, 'I'll also do accent.'"

"Then you were doing accent.
Then I do accent."

"Then you were doing accent.
You make joke, I make joke."

"Do you like joke?"
I was like, "No, I don't like your joke!"

"I thought I was about to get canceled!
You see this shit?"

He's like, "It was amazing. You were
sweating so hard! Not from the curry, eh?"

"That was so funny, Trevor!"

I was like, "It was not funny.
My friends were laughing at me."

Like, "I know." Like, "I was scared, man.
Why would you do that?"

Like, "Because, Trevor, I take great joy
in the pain and suffering of others."

-[audience laughing]
-"It's called schadenfreude."

Yo, Toronto! You guys have been amazing.
Thank you so much for coming out!

-[cheers and applause]
-I love you all. Good night!

-[mid-tempo rock beat plays]
-[cheers continue]

I love you guys so much.
Good night, everybody.

[audience cheering]

[music continues]

[cheers continue, muted]

[cheers fading]

[music continues]

[music fades out]