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1
00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:14,624
What time will you
be home for dinner?
2
00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,181
I don't know.
3
00:00:17,651 --> 00:00:19,684
Man, it's hot.
4
00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:22,488
Really? I'm kind of chilly.
5
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:27,493
About dinner...
What's so important
6
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:29,339
about what time I
come home for dinner?
7
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,263
You know, tonight I'm
preparing Beef Wellington.
8
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:32,797
Oh, yeah, yeah.
9
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:35,901
I'd like you home by 7:00.
10
00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:37,580
Okay, I'll be home around 7:00.
11
00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:38,970
Not "around," at 7:00.
12
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,972
I've been planning
this meal for a week.
13
00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:42,819
Beef Wellington isn't something
you just throw together.
14
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:45,377
All right, Felix, I promise,
at 7:00, you'll see me
15
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:46,589
sitting at the dinner table
16
00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:48,291
with a knife and
fork in my hand.
17
00:00:48,315 --> 00:00:51,650
Hello. Mr. Oscar
Madison, please.
18
00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:53,519
When did he leave?
19
00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:57,556
Did he say anything
to you before he left?
20
00:00:57,625 --> 00:01:00,125
Besides "good night."
21
00:01:00,193 --> 00:01:02,561
Well, he could
have said something.
22
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,230
I know you've got your work
to do, but this is important.
23
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:07,510
Did he happen to say
anything about Beef Wellington?
24
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,011
Oscar?
25
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,512
Yeah?
26
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:21,946
Where have you been?
27
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:24,416
My dinner's ruined.
28
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:25,751
Felix, will you leave me alone?
29
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:28,253
Oscar, how many times
do I have to tell you?
30
00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:30,689
The closet is for coats,
the floor is for feet.
31
00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:31,990
Hmm?
32
00:01:32,058 --> 00:01:34,793
If you think I'm
going to pick this up...
33
00:01:34,861 --> 00:01:36,640
Oh, Felix, will you bug off?!
34
00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:38,630
Bug off?
35
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,499
Oh, that's nice talk.
36
00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:41,600
"Felix, bug off."
37
00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:43,868
You know, the trouble with you
38
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:47,172
is that you can't face
up to your own faults.
39
00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:51,509
Oscar, we've got
to talk this thing out.
40
00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:54,246
Oscar?
41
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:57,849
Oscar, I'm trying to
communicate with you.
42
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,322
Something I've done?
43
00:02:03,390 --> 00:02:04,756
What have I done?
44
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,536
Because I cleaned
those sandwhiches
45
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,161
out from under your bed?
46
00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:10,929
Oscar.
47
00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:33,322
Tell me what happened.
48
00:03:33,346 --> 00:03:34,746
What does it look like happened?
49
00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:36,014
I think you've been fighting.
50
00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:37,293
Well, I haven't been fighting.
51
00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:39,262
The guy who hit me was fighting.
52
00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:40,964
I was on the ground groaning.
53
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,620
You were in a
common street brawl?
54
00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:44,333
I was not in a street brawl,
55
00:03:44,357 --> 00:03:45,534
it was in a bar.
56
00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:46,970
Now will you leave me alone?
57
00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,359
Don't I have a right to know?
58
00:03:48,428 --> 00:03:51,964
My eye and Splint
McCullough's fist had a collision
59
00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,965
at the Sports
Page Bar and Grill.
60
00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:56,268
Splint McCullough...
the hockey player?
61
00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:57,980
No, Splint McCullough
the doily maker.
62
00:03:58,004 --> 00:03:59,504
Oh, make fun of me, Oscar,
63
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,217
because I don't understand
anything about hockey.
64
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,675
But I remember that his
name was in your column.
65
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:06,845
Hmm... Well, he's one of those
66
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,391
rough and tough hockey players.
67
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:09,692
He's been around forever.
68
00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:11,627
He spends half his
life in the penalty box
69
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:13,129
because he keeps
hitting the other players
70
00:04:13,153 --> 00:04:14,397
over the head with his stick.
71
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,466
Do you understand
that much? Yes.
72
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:18,001
Well, Felix, I am
going to bury him
73
00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:19,958
with these two
hands... Oh, Oscar.
74
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,326
In my column.
75
00:04:21,394 --> 00:04:23,754
I'm gonna write an expose
on Splint McCullough
76
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:24,908
that's gonna make him wish
77
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,375
he had gone into figure skating.
78
00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:29,034
Oscar, you can't do that
That's unprofessional.
79
00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:30,468
That's yellow journalism.
80
00:04:30,537 --> 00:04:32,938
No, no, Felix, that's
revenge journalism.
81
00:04:33,007 --> 00:04:35,607
Revenge is wrong.
82
00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:38,309
Wrong, maybe, but oh, so sweet.
83
00:04:38,378 --> 00:04:41,747
If you write an
inflammatory column
84
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,982
he'll only hit you again.
85
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,862
And then you'll write
another inflammatory column
86
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:49,287
and again he'll hit you, and
that's the way wars begin.
87
00:04:49,356 --> 00:04:50,834
Don't worry, Felix,
if that happens,
88
00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:52,735
I'll see you make
it safely to Canada.
89
00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:53,759
Oh, that's funny.
90
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:55,726
You think it's right
to crucify a man
91
00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,396
if he hits you fair and square?
92
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:58,897
Whose side are you on?
93
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,409
A big, professional
hockey player
94
00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:02,712
hits a little writer... you
call that fair and square?
95
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,014
That's not the point. Felix.
96
00:05:04,038 --> 00:05:06,182
Now, I may not be able to
handle Splint McCullough,
97
00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:09,007
but you I'm not too worried
about, so leave me alone.
98
00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:23,287
"The rumors keep flying
that Splint McCullough
99
00:05:23,356 --> 00:05:25,156
"will be shipped
down to the minors.
100
00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:27,236
"One of his teammates
summed it up best:
101
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:29,227
"'McCullough
couldn't score a goal
102
00:05:29,295 --> 00:05:31,530
if his grandmother
was guarding the net.'"
103
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,872
"The only time Splint McCullough
104
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:44,208
feels comfortable with ice
is when it's in his booze."
105
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,495
Excuse me.
106
00:06:04,564 --> 00:06:06,698
Do you know if Splint
McCullough is still here?
107
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,566
Right over there.
108
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:12,771
You should use coasters.
109
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,755
Excuse me, are you
Splint McCullough?
110
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,011
Yup, you a fan?
111
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,013
Here's an autographed puck.
112
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:23,359
Thank you.
113
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,616
Don't mention it.
114
00:06:24,684 --> 00:06:26,562
May I talk to you for a minute?
115
00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:28,586
If it'll give you a thrill.
116
00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:30,767
I'm a friend of Oscar Madison's.
117
00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:32,390
He a fan, too?
118
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:35,393
No, no, he's the
gentleman you hit.
119
00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:38,363
Oh, the sportswriter, huh?
120
00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:39,765
Who are you?
121
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:41,044
I'm Felix Unger.
122
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,545
I'm a good friend
of Mr. Madison's
123
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:43,713
and I was wondering
124
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,015
if you could tell me
in your own words
125
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,338
exactly what happened.
126
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,707
I hit him in the eye,
that's what happened.
127
00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:51,020
Yeah, I know, but why?
128
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,188
We were sitting here talking,
129
00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:53,911
drinking, having a good time
130
00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:55,813
and your buddy
made a pass at Irma.
131
00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:57,126
Who's Irma?
132
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,484
I'm Irma, hi.
133
00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:01,486
Hi, pleased to meet you.
134
00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:03,087
Ooh, likewise.
135
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:05,457
Normally I'm an easygoing guy.
136
00:07:05,525 --> 00:07:07,592
I don't get mad because
they make me sit
137
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:09,327
in the penalty box
most of the time,
138
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:10,795
I don't even get mad
139
00:07:10,863 --> 00:07:13,231
because they don't ask me
to do any TV commercials,
140
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,832
but I do get mad when somebody
141
00:07:14,901 --> 00:07:16,167
messes around with my girl.
142
00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:17,602
I can understand that,
143
00:07:17,670 --> 00:07:20,805
but don't you feel
that two grown men...
144
00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:23,675
Madison said he
was gonna get me.
145
00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:25,577
What are you, the revenge?
146
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:27,011
Me? Oh, no.
147
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,247
'Cause if you are, we
can step out the back
148
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:30,715
and straighten it out right now.
149
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:33,117
I may be many things,
but I'm not a street brawler.
150
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:35,720
Well, that ain't no street
out there, that's an alley.
151
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,790
I have no quarrel
with you, and if I did
152
00:07:38,859 --> 00:07:40,837
I certainly wouldn't
settle it in an alley.
153
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:41,861
Splinty?
154
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,095
As long as you're up
155
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:45,630
how about getting me a beer?
156
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:47,098
Sure, honey. What
would you like?
157
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,800
A big head or a little head?
158
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:49,900
Surprise me.
159
00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:56,841
You know, I just feel terrible.
160
00:07:56,909 --> 00:08:00,911
This whole thing that
happened... my fault.
161
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:04,115
You see, sometimes Splint
162
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,317
doesn't pay enough
attention to me.
163
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:09,454
So I have to do... stuff
164
00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:11,389
to make him take notice.
165
00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:16,794
I figured your friend Oscar
could make Splint jealous,
166
00:08:16,863 --> 00:08:19,263
so then he'd pay
more attention to me.
167
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:20,498
See?
168
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:22,901
Why, that's horrible.
169
00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:26,838
The first lesson you learn
in a relationship is honesty.
170
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,706
I'm surprised at you.
171
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:30,107
You are?
172
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,275
Yes.
173
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,077
You're a lady.
174
00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:34,612
All any lady has to do
175
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,314
is be her feminine self.
176
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:38,249
No man can resist that.
177
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:40,463
You really think I'm a lady?
178
00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:41,487
Yes.
179
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,923
You are a beautiful person.
180
00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:47,425
All right, buddy, that did it.
181
00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:49,861
I was just telling her...
182
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,596
You weren't telling,
you were kissing.
183
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:53,164
Madison only
touched, but you kissed.
184
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,410
She was kissing me.
185
00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:56,535
It was a "thank you"
kiss. Out the back...
186
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:58,314
Madison already softened
the ground for you.
187
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,517
I'm not going out
in the back with you.
188
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:02,173
What, are you chicken?
189
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:04,709
He's not a chicken, he's
a very beautiful person.
190
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:06,745
Anybody don't go
out back is a chicken.
191
00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:08,525
That's a stupid assumption.
192
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:10,582
You're calling me stupid, huh?
193
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,731
I'm calling your
assumption stupid.
194
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:15,186
What's an assumption?
195
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:18,623
Look, I didn't come
in here to fight.
196
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:20,859
Well, that's the way
you're going out.
197
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:22,204
Don't you shove me!
198
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:24,162
Are you going to go out the back
199
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,297
or do I punch you out here?
200
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:27,499
Now you've done it.
201
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,067
I haven't done nothing yet.
202
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:31,180
You broke my watch crystal
and you're going to pay for it.
203
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,136
That'll be four dollars.
204
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:34,673
What are you talking about?
205
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,719
It would be $8.00 new
but I've had it for a year.
206
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:37,943
Besides, I got it wholesale.
207
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:39,155
Got this friend in
the crystal business...
208
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,479
Will you quit stalling
and get out the back?
209
00:09:43,317 --> 00:09:45,283
All right, I'll fight you,
210
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:47,419
but I'll fight you
in a civilized way.
211
00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:48,686
All right, I promise
212
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,399
not to hit you with
any garbage cans.
213
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,757
I mean in a proper,
prizefighting ring.
214
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:54,258
A what?
215
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,393
A ring with a mat
and ropes and rounds,
216
00:09:56,462 --> 00:09:58,340
the way gentlemen
beat each other up.
217
00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:00,197
Well, that's fine with me.
218
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,045
But, Splinty, he didn't mean...
219
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:03,701
You stay out of this, Irma.
220
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:05,903
Fine, you get a pair of gloves
221
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,750
and you meet me
tomorrow afternoon
222
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,441
at Feldman's Gym at 3:00.
223
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:10,509
I'll be there.
224
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:13,445
Excuse me.
225
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,497
Hiya, Felix.
226
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:34,565
Hey, have some unbaked Alaska.
227
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,067
No, thank you.
228
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:39,838
I hope you finished your
hate article on Mr. McCullough.
229
00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:43,507
No, I got as far as
calling Peggy Fleming
230
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,454
a better hockey
player than he is.
231
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,244
I got off some bad puns
232
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:50,081
about how McCullough
stinks on ice.
233
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,984
Why should I waste my
talent on that big moose?
234
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,697
Besides, who needs
a broken nose?
235
00:10:54,721 --> 00:10:57,322
Nobody, but some of us
might have to chance it.
236
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:58,589
What do you mean by that?
237
00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,503
While you were here
cooling off I went down
238
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,967
to the Sports Page Bar and
Grillto speak to Mr. McCullough.
239
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:04,095
Did you see him?
240
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:07,064
Certainly, I... Did
you turn off the oven?
241
00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:08,333
I didn't even know it was on.
242
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:09,745
That's the end of
the beef Wellington.
243
00:11:09,769 --> 00:11:11,603
Never mind the Beef Wellingotn.
244
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,716
Why did you see
Splint McCullough?
245
00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,439
What did you do?
246
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,075
I've been gone an
hour and ten minutes.
247
00:11:17,143 --> 00:11:18,309
Weren't you even aware of it?
248
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:19,688
Well, I managed to amuse myself.
249
00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:21,390
Now why did you go to
see Splint McCullough?
250
00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:22,480
Why?
251
00:11:22,548 --> 00:11:24,615
To keep you from
cheapening yourself
252
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:25,950
by writing a biased column
253
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:28,853
that's beneath your
dignity, that's why.
254
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,166
Will you give me
that glove, please?
255
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,034
You actually did that for me?
256
00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:33,624
That's what friends are for.
257
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:37,862
Oh, ah, oh, will you look?
258
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:39,463
What happened?
259
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,477
Ruined, it's garbage,
nothing salvageable.
260
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:42,400
What happened?
261
00:11:42,468 --> 00:11:45,236
Eight dollars and 34 cents.
262
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,345
Felix, what happened?
263
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,206
First, he gave me
264
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:49,840
an autographed hockey puck.
265
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,211
Then?
266
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,646
Then he went to
the bar to get a drink
267
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,582
and he left me
alone with his girl.
268
00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:58,827
Oh, boy.
269
00:11:58,851 --> 00:12:00,718
Then I made the
mistake of telling her
270
00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:04,222
I thought she was a
lady and she liked that
271
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:05,456
and she kissed me.
272
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:07,124
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
273
00:12:07,193 --> 00:12:09,894
Mr. McCullough witnessed this.
274
00:12:09,962 --> 00:12:10,962
And?
275
00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:12,329
Broke my watch crystal.
276
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:13,331
Is that all he broke?
277
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,643
Felix, that's a relief.
278
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,812
You know what he
could have done to you?
279
00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:19,282
That was a wonderful gesture,
but you shouldn't have done it.
280
00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:21,517
He could have taken
you out in the back alley,
281
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:22,651
he could have murdered you.
282
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:23,808
He suggested that.
283
00:12:23,876 --> 00:12:25,510
I thought it would
be more gentlemanly
284
00:12:25,579 --> 00:12:27,245
to challenge him
to a boxing match.
285
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:28,891
We're meeting tomorrow
afternoon at Feldman's Gym.
286
00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:30,448
Is that a clean place?
287
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,027
Is it decent? Is it
nice? Is it well-kept?
288
00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:33,662
Felix, will you
stop putting me on?
289
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,965
I'm not putting you one. When
have I ever put anybody on?
290
00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,288
You're not putting me on.
291
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,401
You're going to get in
the ring with that gorilla.
292
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:40,859
You know he's made out of iron.
293
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:42,404
He'll pulverize
you. You can't do it.
294
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,995
Will you look at that?
295
00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:45,396
Never mind that!
296
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,510
You know he's gonna kill you.
297
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:49,044
It's a matter of honor. Good.
298
00:12:49,068 --> 00:12:50,813
The funeral will
be in your honor.
299
00:12:50,837 --> 00:12:52,749
This is my fight,
it's not your fight.
300
00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:53,773
It's my fight now.
301
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:55,439
Ahh, now I see it all.
302
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,620
You're doing this to punish me.
303
00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,822
You're going to get
McCullough to kill you
304
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:01,179
so I'll feel guilty, right?
305
00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:02,358
False, it's not even logical.
306
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,659
Never mind logic.
307
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,161
If you're not trying
to make me feel guilty
308
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:06,796
why are you trying
to commit suicide?
309
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:09,587
Don't feel guilty. I can
take care of myself.
310
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:12,290
In the kitchen you can
take care of yourself.
311
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:14,003
You can't box
wearing oven mitts.
312
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:16,060
You don't have to tell
me anything about boxing.
313
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,862
Somebody better.
314
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:19,563
Come with me, my boy.
315
00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:22,266
I want to show you something.
316
00:13:23,870 --> 00:13:25,669
Wipe your feet.
317
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,549
What makes you
think you can last
318
00:13:27,573 --> 00:13:29,785
even three seconds in a
ring with Splint McCullough?
319
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,454
You'll see. Not on the bed.
320
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,511
You're the only person I know
321
00:13:33,579 --> 00:13:35,513
who hangs up his clothes
in alphabetical order.
322
00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:37,293
Now, what do you
think this means?
323
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,750
It means either you're crazy
or you're challenging me
324
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,986
to a game of easy-over
red-hot peppers.
325
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:43,765
Why do you suppose
I have these along?
326
00:13:43,789 --> 00:13:45,200
Keep you from biting
your fingernails?
327
00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:47,269
You didn't know that I was
middleweight boxing champion
328
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:48,804
of the Harvard School
of Business, huh?
329
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,395
Hey, that is you, Felix.
330
00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:51,640
Sure it is.
331
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,297
Who's this skinny
guy with the glasses?
332
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,244
That's the former champ.
333
00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:57,846
One of the toughest notary
publics who ever lived.
334
00:13:57,870 --> 00:14:00,104
Hey, you even got medals.
335
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,605
Why did you give it up?
336
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,252
I changed my major to fine arts.
337
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:04,820
Drama students are a lot tougher
338
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,964
than notary publics, you know.
339
00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:11,593
I guess this proves to you
I can take care of myself.
340
00:14:11,617 --> 00:14:13,484
Felix, all it proves
is thaat 20 years ago
341
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,986
you beat up a couple
of skinny C.P.A.s.
342
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:17,321
I can't let you do it.
343
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,967
The matter is out of your hands.
344
00:14:18,991 --> 00:14:20,425
I know what I'm doing.
345
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,893
Felix, Splint McCullough
didn't get this far in hockey
346
00:14:22,962 --> 00:14:24,495
because of his good manners.
347
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:26,764
And he's still a hockey
player, not a boxer.
348
00:14:26,832 --> 00:14:28,999
You take away his ice
skates and his hockey stick
349
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,168
and what have you got?
350
00:14:30,236 --> 00:14:31,635
An unarmed homicidal maniac.
351
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,003
Wrong, he's a clumsy lummox
352
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:35,406
and no match for a
master of self-defense.
353
00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:37,608
I still feel guilty.
354
00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:42,746
Ouch, my trick back.
355
00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,682
Oh, boy, do I feel guilty.
356
00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,341
You really like
jogging, don't you?
357
00:14:59,365 --> 00:15:01,632
Well, I started when I
was married to Gloria.
358
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:03,234
Kept it up, you
know, ever since.
359
00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:05,080
I used to jog hen I was married.
360
00:15:05,104 --> 00:15:06,037
Yeah? Yeah.
361
00:15:06,105 --> 00:15:07,771
Just to get out of the house.
362
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:30,227
Hey, Oscar?
363
00:15:30,296 --> 00:15:32,996
Oscar?!
364
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:35,399
Hey, Oscar, where'd you go?
365
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:54,785
Now I remember the real reason
why I gave up boxing... yuck.
366
00:15:54,853 --> 00:15:57,366
Felix, if they can't
unpollute the air in the cities
367
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:59,890
how do you expect
them to do it in a gym?
368
00:16:01,227 --> 00:16:03,171
You sure you want to
go through with this?
369
00:16:03,195 --> 00:16:04,762
You doubt me, don't you?
370
00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:07,531
Felix, anybody who brings
a shower cap to a gym
371
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,511
doesn't exactly
inspire confidence.
372
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,268
I'm susceptible to head colds.
373
00:16:11,337 --> 00:16:13,548
Why did you bring
towels... They furnish towels.
374
00:16:13,572 --> 00:16:15,183
And who knows who's
been using them?
375
00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:17,908
Sweaty men... it's a gym, Felix.
376
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,410
It's not a health resort.
377
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:22,012
And I'm a trained pugilist,
not a street brawler.
378
00:16:22,081 --> 00:16:24,293
All right, go into your dressing
room, set up housekeeping.
379
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:27,885
I wonder if you can
catch athlete's foot
380
00:16:27,953 --> 00:16:30,854
through your shoes.
381
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,990
Yeah, I got to do something.
382
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,629
Oscar!
383
00:16:38,697 --> 00:16:40,464
Hi, remember me?
384
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:42,644
Well, you make it kind of hard
385
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:43,879
to forget you, sweetheart.
386
00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:45,503
Hiya, Splint, old pal.
387
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:47,204
I don't like you, Madison.
388
00:16:47,273 --> 00:16:49,385
I'm not exactly very
crazy about you, but listen,
389
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:50,619
I want to make a deal with you.
390
00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:51,887
Yeah, what kind of deal?
391
00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:53,744
You call this crazy thing off
392
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:56,446
and I'll do an article on
you that will make you
393
00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:59,616
the Willie Mays of the
National Hockey League.
394
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:00,685
What do you say?
395
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,620
No, I got to clobber
the little punk.
396
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:05,789
My dignity's at stake.
397
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,458
My friend's life is at stake.
398
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,026
He's right, Splint.
399
00:17:09,095 --> 00:17:12,363
If you clobber him, you
can say good-bye to me.
400
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,898
You're kidding again, huh, Irma?
401
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:17,034
No, I just can't take
any more of this.
402
00:17:17,103 --> 00:17:20,404
If you hit him, I'm
going back to Lou.
403
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:22,039
Oh!
404
00:17:22,108 --> 00:17:23,952
Another man? You're
going to drive him crazy.
405
00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:25,008
No, Lou is my mother.
406
00:17:25,077 --> 00:17:26,677
She lives in Sioux city.
407
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,178
Irma...
408
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,948
Irma, you really wouldn't
leave me, would you?
409
00:17:31,016 --> 00:17:33,917
I have to do what I have to do.
410
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:35,986
Come on, Splint, call it off.
411
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,999
You don't want to
lose this beautiful lady.
412
00:17:38,023 --> 00:17:40,991
Lady... that's the
second time this week
413
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,693
someone's called me that.
414
00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:46,697
Please, Splinty, come on.
415
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,599
Hmm?
416
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,134
All right.
417
00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:51,613
I won't clobber the little punk.
418
00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:53,171
Thata-boy!
419
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,974
I'm ready.
420
00:17:57,043 --> 00:17:59,676
You can get dressed,
Felix, the fight's off.
421
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:02,024
Yeah, Splint's not
going to hit you.
422
00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:06,717
Well, I'm glad he's
finally come to his senses.
423
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:08,152
Congratulations.
424
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:10,132
Aren't you forgetting something?
425
00:18:10,156 --> 00:18:12,022
What?
426
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,624
The apology.
427
00:18:13,692 --> 00:18:15,659
Apology?
428
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:18,296
The apology... and four dollars.
429
00:18:18,364 --> 00:18:20,097
Now, you hold it.
430
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:22,177
Splint McCullough don't
apologize to nobody.
431
00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:23,301
Yes, he does.
432
00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:25,869
Felix, this is not
some skinny C.P.A.
433
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,038
This is Splint McCullough.
434
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,417
I don't care who it is.
435
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,152
Everybody's willing to
forget it. Are you crazy?
436
00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:31,420
I'm not willing to forget it.
437
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:32,687
The man owes me an apology.
438
00:18:32,711 --> 00:18:34,278
The man owes you a fist.
439
00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:35,947
This is getting us nowhere.
440
00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:38,216
I tried, didn't I, Irma?
Get in the ring, you.
441
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,817
Oh, Splinty.
442
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:43,855
Hold it... this doesn't look
like a regulation-size ring.
443
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:45,222
Who cares?
444
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,524
Will you stand still
so I can hit you?
445
00:18:47,593 --> 00:18:49,771
I care... the size of the ring
affects my timing and foot work.
446
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,606
Felix, will you... Don't say it!
447
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,230
If you want to help me, fine.
448
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:54,610
Otherwise, you're free to leave.
449
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:58,235
Five 50-pound weights,
50 ten-pound weights
450
00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,770
and 10 five-pound weights.
451
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,639
I don't know, somebody
walked off with them.
452
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,275
A big guy.
453
00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,064
Mr. Feldman, is that
a regulation-size ring?
454
00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:09,079
You kidding? I had a litte
extra room so I put up ropes.
455
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,349
Yeah, he says it's
a regulation ring.
456
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:12,850
Now can I punch you?
457
00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:14,752
Just a minute, where's the bell?
458
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:15,886
Where's the timekeeper?
459
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:17,054
I'll just stand here.
460
00:19:17,122 --> 00:19:18,567
I'll say, "round
one, round two."
461
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:20,257
Oscar, we're
going to do this right
462
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:22,559
or we're not
going to do it at all.
463
00:19:22,628 --> 00:19:24,728
No, no, not five
ten-pound weights.
464
00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:28,265
50 Ten-pound weights
and 10 five-pound weights.
465
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,868
Mr. Feldman, we need
a timekeeper and a bell.
466
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,781
Why don't you just stand there
467
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:34,683
and go, "round one, round two...
468
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:35,918
"Ding-ding."
469
00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:37,641
We want to make
it official, see?
470
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:41,078
Okay, here's your
official timekeeper
471
00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:45,382
and here's your official bell.
472
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:47,719
Okay, let's go.
473
00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:48,763
Up, all right, now!
474
00:19:48,787 --> 00:19:50,520
Wait a minute,
where's the referee?
475
00:19:50,589 --> 00:19:52,689
I'll be the referee.
476
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:54,624
But you're partial.
477
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,274
When I came in
here, I was partial.
478
00:19:59,298 --> 00:20:03,067
Now, I'm not too sure.
479
00:20:03,135 --> 00:20:05,236
Ah, forget it, I'll
call you back.
480
00:20:05,304 --> 00:20:07,249
What do you want
now, network coverage?
481
00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:08,672
No, you want to be my referee?
482
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:09,852
I'm busy right now.
483
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,508
Listen, once we
get the fight started
484
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:13,143
it'll only take a second.
485
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,746
Fellas, this is Mr. Feldman,
he's going to be the referee.
486
00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:17,781
You the two fighters?
487
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:18,782
That's right.
488
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:19,931
Okay, boys, mix it up.
489
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:21,651
What, what, look!
490
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,187
You haven't even introduced us.
491
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:26,357
Big, tough-looking guy,
meet little, sappy-looking guy.
492
00:20:26,425 --> 00:20:27,992
Okay, boys, mix it up.
493
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,426
Wait a minute.
494
00:20:29,495 --> 00:20:31,929
Which is my corner?
495
00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:35,966
Pick a corner, any corner.
496
00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:41,505
It's so hard to decide.
497
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,641
They all look alike... take one!
498
00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:48,646
I'll take this one.
499
00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:50,147
No, no.
500
00:20:52,184 --> 00:20:53,117
I want this one.
501
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:54,518
No, I...
502
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:56,826
Take a corner! Here's a
pretty corner right here.
503
00:20:56,855 --> 00:20:59,323
All right.
504
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:01,825
Splint, will you stop this?
505
00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:03,038
Oh, I'll stop it.
506
00:21:03,062 --> 00:21:05,422
If he'll start it, I'll stop it.
507
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:10,167
Did he come here
to fight or redecorate?
508
00:21:10,236 --> 00:21:11,835
I'll redecorate him.
509
00:21:13,206 --> 00:21:14,138
Bless you.
510
00:21:14,207 --> 00:21:15,139
Gesundheit.
511
00:21:15,208 --> 00:21:16,039
Bless you.
512
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,374
Thank you, thank you.
513
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:20,076
Oh, wouldn't you know it.
514
00:21:20,145 --> 00:21:22,846
I forgot my mouthpiece.
515
00:21:22,915 --> 00:21:25,315
That's okay, here, I got one.
516
00:21:25,351 --> 00:21:27,984
That's filthy. No it ain't.
517
00:21:28,053 --> 00:21:31,221
I make everybody wipe
it off after they use it.
518
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:34,024
Put it in boiling water
for half an hour... maybe.
519
00:21:34,093 --> 00:21:36,527
Unger, I promise not
to hit you in the mouth.
520
00:21:36,596 --> 00:21:38,507
So let's go, please?
521
00:21:38,531 --> 00:21:40,442
Stop the preliminaries,
get on with the bout.
522
00:21:40,466 --> 00:21:41,799
Got to warm up, don't I?
523
00:21:41,867 --> 00:21:44,067
Anything you say, Cassius.
524
00:21:49,108 --> 00:21:50,741
That's a warm up?
525
00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:51,875
It is for him.
526
00:21:51,944 --> 00:21:54,077
All right.
527
00:21:56,449 --> 00:21:58,849
Your hands are shaking.
528
00:21:58,917 --> 00:22:00,484
I'm nervous.
529
00:22:00,553 --> 00:22:01,896
You're nervous? Yeah.
530
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,965
If you had any brains
you'd be nervous, too.
531
00:22:03,989 --> 00:22:05,156
Make a nice bow.
532
00:22:05,224 --> 00:22:06,523
A nice bow.
533
00:22:06,592 --> 00:22:08,792
They don't give any
points for neatness, Felix.
534
00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:14,309
You still got a chance
to run, you know.
535
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:16,767
How were you at running
at that C.P.A. school?
536
00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:17,836
Tuck in the ends.
537
00:22:17,904 --> 00:22:19,047
Tuck in the ends?
538
00:22:19,071 --> 00:22:20,904
Tuck in the ends.
539
00:22:23,476 --> 00:22:24,476
Okay?
540
00:22:24,543 --> 00:22:25,543
Right.
541
00:22:25,611 --> 00:22:27,745
That's a boy, killer.
542
00:22:36,522 --> 00:22:37,522
I'm ready.
543
00:22:37,590 --> 00:22:38,634
Can I punch him now?
544
00:22:38,658 --> 00:22:39,690
If you don't, I will.
545
00:22:42,761 --> 00:22:43,761
Felix, get up.
546
00:22:43,829 --> 00:22:45,762
The fight's about to start.
547
00:22:45,831 --> 00:22:46,930
My back is locked.
548
00:22:46,999 --> 00:22:48,009
Locked?
549
00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:49,633
Oh, hey, you got
to stop the fight.
550
00:22:49,702 --> 00:22:50,702
Are you kidding?
551
00:22:50,769 --> 00:22:52,102
What are you talking about?
552
00:22:52,171 --> 00:22:53,637
His back is locked,
he can't move.
553
00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:55,551
He's lucky... he won't
have so far to fall.
554
00:22:55,575 --> 00:22:57,385
You're still going to hit him?
555
00:22:57,409 --> 00:22:59,087
Yeah, he came here to fight
and he's gonna get punched.
556
00:22:59,111 --> 00:23:01,879
Oh, no, no, you're
not going to hit him.
557
00:23:01,948 --> 00:23:03,692
All right, I'll hit you!
558
00:23:05,351 --> 00:23:07,985
Shouldn't have done that.
559
00:23:08,053 --> 00:23:09,053
That's it!
560
00:23:09,088 --> 00:23:10,088
Irma.
561
00:23:10,155 --> 00:23:12,167
I'm going home to my mother.
562
00:23:12,191 --> 00:23:13,524
Oh, Irma, I... I...
563
00:23:13,593 --> 00:23:16,427
And here, take back
your season tickets.
564
00:23:16,495 --> 00:23:18,161
I don't want to see you
565
00:23:18,231 --> 00:23:21,832
or another one of your
stupid hockey games again.
566
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,100
Irma, I need you.
567
00:23:23,168 --> 00:23:27,237
Who's going to sit
back and talk to me...
568
00:23:27,306 --> 00:23:30,273
Be right back with
the First Aid kit.
569
00:23:30,342 --> 00:23:35,312
I think... I think
I can move now.
570
00:23:35,380 --> 00:23:37,481
It's too late.
571
00:23:37,550 --> 00:23:38,794
You okay?
572
00:23:38,818 --> 00:23:43,019
No, but at least my
eyes are going to match.
573
00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:45,055
Thanks, Oscar.
574
00:23:45,123 --> 00:23:47,257
It was nothing.
575
00:23:47,326 --> 00:23:50,193
You didn't have to stand
up for me, you know.
576
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:53,063
But we're here because
you stood up for me.
577
00:23:53,131 --> 00:23:55,143
Friends stand up for each other.
578
00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:59,002
Yeah.
579
00:23:59,071 --> 00:24:03,340
So, Felix, how come
we can't stand up?
580
00:24:14,887 --> 00:24:18,823
♪ ♪
581
00:24:47,553 --> 00:24:52,523
♪ ♪
38161
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