All language subtitles for Office Space 1999 1080p BluRay HEVC x265 5.1 BONE

[ Traffic Noises ]

♪ Uno, dos ♪

♪ Tres, cuatro ♪

♪ Ahh ♪♪

[ Grunts ]

♪♪ [ Car Stereo: Rap ]

♪ I got my pistol pawn cocked
ready to lay shots nonstop ♪

♪ Until I see
your monkey ass drop ♪

♪ And let your homies
know who done it ♪

♪ When it comes to this gangsta shit, you
motherfuckers know who run it ♪

♪ We're standing up
for our own shit ♪

♪ And ifyou put this motherfucker
to the test ♪

- ♪ You gotta realize somethin', nigga ♪
- [ Stereo: Volume Lowers ]

♪ You fuckin' with the very best ♪

- [ Stereo: Volume Increases ]
- ♪ I got this killa up inside of me ♪

♪ I can't talk to my mother
so I talk to my diary ♪♪

Mother shitter,
son of an ass--

You-- I'll just--

I was told-- Have you--

I was told that if I was late again,
I would be summarily dismissed.

[ Car Alarm Chirps ]

[ Grumbles ]

[ Electrical Crackle ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Woman ]
Crporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Crporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Crporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Crporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.
Just a moment.

Corporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.

Hello, Peter.
What's happening?

Uh, we have sort of a problem here.

Yeah, you apparently didn't put one of
the new cover sheets on your T.P.S. reports.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that.
I-I forgot.

Mmm, yeah.

You see, we're putting the cover sheets on
all T.P.S. reports now before they go out.

Did you see the memo about this?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I have the memo right here.
I just, uh, forgot.

But it's not shipping out till tomorrow,
so there's no problem.

Yeah.

Ifyou could just go ahead and make sure you
do that from now on, that would be great.

And, uh, I'll go ahead and make sure you get
another copy ofthat memo.

- Mm-kay? bye-bye, Peter.
- Yeah, no, I have the memo.

I've got it. It's right--

[ Lumbergh ]
Hello, Phil. What's happening?

Uh, I came by here yesterday--

[ Man On Radio, Indistinct ]

- [ Mumbling ]
- Milton?

Hi. Uh, could you turn that down
just a little bit?

Well, I-I was told that I could
listen to the radio...

at a reasonable volume
from 9:00 to 1 1 :00.

Yeah, no, no,
I know you're allowed to. I, uh--

I was just thinking maybe like,
you know, a personal favor, you--

Well, I-I told Bill that if-if Sandra's going
to listen to her headphones...

while she's-- while she's filing,
then I should be able to listen...

- to the radio while I'm collating.
- Uh-huh.

So, I don't see why I should have
to turn down the radio.

- Yeah, all right. Okay.
- Because I enjoy listening...

- at a reasonable volume from 9:00 to 1 1 :00.
- Thanks, Milton.

Hi, Peter.

What's happening? We need to talk
about your T.P.S. reports.

Yeah, the cover sheet.
I know. I know.

- Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
- Yeah.

- Did you get that memo?
- Yeah, I got the memo.

And I understand the policy and the problem
is just that I forgot the one time.

I've already taken care of it,
so it's not really a problem anymore.

Ah, yeah. It's just we're putting
new cover sheets...

on all the T.P.S. reports
before they go out now.

So, ifyou could go ahead and try to remember
to do that from now on, that'd be great.

All right!

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Ring ]

- Peter Gibbons.
- [ Man ] Yeah. Peter?

- Yes.
- Did you get the memo about the T.P.S. reports?

I have the memo.

- [ Whirring, Beeping ]
- No, not again.

Why does it say "paperjam"
when there is no paperjam?

I swear to God, one ofthese days,
I just kick this piece of shit out the window.

You and me both, man.
The thing is lucky I'm not armed.

- Piece of shit.
- Sam Ire--

Na-- Na--
Na-- Naga--

- No. Please.
- Uh-huh.

Michael...

- Bolton?
- That's me.

Wow. Is that your real name?

- Yeah. [ Clears Throat ]
- So, are you related to that singer guy?

- No, it's just a coincidence.
- Oh.

[ Mutters ]
Yeah, you fuckin' cow.

No one in this country can ever
pronounce my name right.

I-It's not that hard-- Nagheenanajar.
Nagheenanajar.

Yeah, well, at least your name
isn't Michael Bolton.

You know, there's nothing wrong
with that name.

There was nothing wrong with it,
until I was about 1 2 years old...

and that no-talent ass clown became famous
and started winning Grammys.

Hmm. Why don't-- Why don't you just, uh,
go by Mike instead of Michael?

No way. Why should I change?
He's the one who sucks.

- Hey, guys.
- What's up, G.?

- Wanna go to Chotchkie's, get some coffee?
- Oh, it's a little early.

I gotta get out of here.
I think I'm gonna lose it.

Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's
got a case of the Mondays.

[ Woman Chuckles ]

Boy, I tell you.
Some days.

One ofthese days it's just gonna be like--
[ Imitates Machine Gun ]

[ Imitates Machine Gun, Laughs ]

So, can I get you gentlemen something more
to drink, or maybe something to nibble on?

Some pizza shooters,
shrimp poppers or extreme fajitas?

Just coffee.

Okay. Sounds like a case ofthe Mondays.
[ Chuckles ]

What ifwe're still doing this
when we're 50?

It would be nice to have
that kind ofjob security.

Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday.
I-I can tell already.

I'm gonna end up doing it because, uh--
because I'm a big pussy.

Which is why I work
at Initech to begin with.

Yeah, well, I work at Initech, and I don't
consider myself a pussy. Okay?

Yes, I am also not a pussy.

They're gonna find out
the hard way I'm not a pussy...

- if they don't start treating
their software people better.
- That's right.

I don't understand. I could program a virus
that would rip that place off big-time.

- Yeah.
- Big-time.

- Whoa.
- There she is.

Peter, you know,
you always talk about this girl.

Ifyou're so obsessed with her,
why don't you just ask her out?

No, I can't do that.
I'm just another asshole customer.

You can'tjust walk up to a waitress
and ask her out.

Besides, I'm still trying to work it out with Anne.

Uh, that reminds me. I'm not going to be able
to play poker with you guys on Friday.

- Why not?
- I'm gonna see this, uh...

occupational hypnotherapist
with Anne.

- Dude, an occupational hypnotherapist?
- Yeah, I know.

Anne wants me to go.
She thinks it might help. I'm--

You know,
sometimes I think I—

I get thinking
that she's cheating on me.

- Yeah, I know what you mean.
- Yeah.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Look. Just tell Anne that you're not
into hypnosis and you wanna play poker.

No, I can't do that.
She'll get all pissed off.

And, besides, I think that the guy
might actually be able to help.

I mean, he did help
Anne lose weight.

Peter, she's anorexic.

Yeah, I know.
The guy's really good.

Yeah, well, I don't think any
occupational hypnotherapist...

is gonna help you solve
any ofyour problems.

Okay? Hey,
and speaking of problems...

what's this I hear about you having problems
with your T.P.S. reports?

Yeah.
Didn't you get that memo?

- Hey! Hey, guys! Peter!
- Is that Smykowski?

- Samir!
- [ Samir ] What's he doing?

Oh, probably working
on another heart attack.

I've been looking all over for you guys.
Have you seen this?

- I knew it. I knew it.
- What? It's a staff meeting. So what?

So what? We're all screwed, that's what.
They're gonna downsize Initech.

What are you talking about, Tom?
How do you know that?

How do I know? They're bringing in
a consultant, that's how I know.

That's what this staff meeting
is all about.

It happened at Initrode last year.

You have to interview with this consultant.
They call them "efficiency experts."

But what you're really doing
is interviewing for your own job.

[ Michael ] Every week you say you're going
to lose yourjob, and you're still here.

[ Tom ] Not this time.
I bet I'm the first one laid off.

The thought of having to go to
the state unemployment office,
to stand in line with scumbags!

Shit.

You know, there are people in this world
that don't have to put up with all this shit.

Like that guy
that invented the Pet Rock?

You see, that's what you have to do.

You have to use your mind...

and come up with
some really great idea like that.

And you can make millions.
Never have to work again.

You think the Pet Rock
was a really great idea?

Sure it was.
The guy made a million dollars.

You know, I had an idea like that once,
a long time ago.

Really? What was it, Tom?

Well, all right.

It was a "jump to conclusions" mat.

You see, it would be this mat...

that you would put on the floor...

and it would have different
conclusions written on it...

that you could jump to.

That is the worst idea
I've ever heard in my life, Tom.

Yes. Yes, it's horrible, this idea.

Uh, look, I gotta get outta here.

I'll see you guys later...

- if I still have a job.
- Yeah.

Our high school guidance counselor
used to ask us what you would do...

ifyou had a million dollars,
didn't have to work.

And, invariably, whatever you'd say,
that was supposed to be your career.

Ifyou wanted to fix old cars,
then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.

- So what did you say?
- I never had an answer.

I guess that's why
I'm working at Initech.

No. You're working at Initech
'cause that question is bullshit to begin with.

If everyone listened to her,
there'd be no janitors...

because no one would clean shit up
ifthey had a million dollars.

You know what I would do
if I had million dollars?

I would invest half of it
in low-risk mutual funds...

and then take the other half of it to
my friend Asadulah, who works in securities--

Samir. Samir, you're missing the point.
The point of the exercise...

- is that you're supposed to figure out
what you would want to do if--
- [ Beeps ]

"P.C. load letter"?
What the fuck does that mean?

What the--

[ TV On, Indistinct ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Man ]
Hey, Peter, man! Check out channel 9!

- Check out this chick!
- Damn it, Lawrence.

Can't you just pretend like we can't
hear each other through the wall?

Oh, sorry, man!
Anne over there or somethin'?

No, but... ifyou wanna talk to me,
just come over.

Hey, man.
Check this out, dude.

[ Woman ] The key is early detection.
Tumors that are detected--

- Aw, geez, Lawrence.
- I'm sorry, man. I thought you'd want to see this.

Doesn't that chick look like Anne?

Yeah. A little bit. I—

Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while.
You two still goin' out?

Yeah. I guess.
I-I don't know.

Sometimes I get the feeling
like she's cheating on me.

Yeah. I get that feeling too, man.

What do you mean by that?

I don't know, man.

I just get that feeling
lookin' at her, like...

she's the type of chick
that would just--

[ Groans ]

Oh, I'm sorry, man.
Look, I-I—

You know, I'm talkin' outta my ass.
I don't know nothin'.

Forget it. Don't worry. It's all right.
Just-- I had a rough day.

Tell me about it, man.
[ Groans ]

I gotta wake my ass up
at 6:00 a.m. every day this week...

drag up to Las Clindas.

Yeah. I'm doin' the drywall up there
at the new McDonald's.

Let me ask you something.

When you come in on Monday
and you're not feelin' real well...

does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like
someone has a case of the Mondays"?

No.

No, man.

Shit, no, man.

I believe you'd get your ass kicked,
sayin' somethin' like that, man.

- Huh.
- We still goin' fishin' this weekend?

Nah, Lumbergh's gonna have me
come in on Saturday. I just know it.

Well, you can get out
of that easily.

Yeah? How?

Well...

when a boss wants you
to work on a Saturday...

- he generally asks you at the end ofthe day, right?
- Yeah.

So all you gotta do is avoid him--
That's all right. I got it--

on the last dew hours on Friday,
duck out early...

turn offyour answering machine,
you should be home free, man.

That's a really good idea.

Fuckin'-A, man.

Lawrence, what would you do
ifyou had a million dollars?

I'll tell you what I'd do, man.

Two chicks at the same time, man.

That's it?

Ifyou had a million dollars,
y-you'd do two chicks at the same time?

Damn straight.
I've always wanted to do that, man.

I think if I were a millionaire,
I could hook that up too.

- 'Cause chicks dig dudes with money.
- Well, not all chicks.

Well, the type of chicks that would
double up on a dude like me do.

- Good point.
- Well, what about you now

- What would you do?
- Besides two chicks at the same time?

- Well, yeah.
- Nothing.

Nothin', huh?

I would relax.

I would sit on my ass all day.

I would do nothing.

Well, you don't nEED
a million dollars to do nothin', man.

Take a look at my cousin.
He's broke, don't do shit.

[ Nina's Voice ] Crporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking. Just a moment.

Crporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Crporate Accounts Payable.
Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

[ Lumbergh ]
So, you should ask yourself:

With every decision you make,
is this good for the company?

- Am I helping with--
- Is that the guy?

Yeah. We're screwed.

Okay, then, um--

I'd like to go ahead and welcome,
uh, a new member to our team here.

This is, uh, Bob Slydell.

Yeah. Uh--

Bob is a consultant.

Yeah. He's gonna be sort of, uh...

helping us out a little here...

asking some questions, maybe seeing
ifthere are some ways...

we can make things run
a little more smoothly around here.

Yeah.
Oh, and remember...

next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day.

So, you know, ifyou want to,
go ahead and, uh...

wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.

And I said I don't care
ifthey lay me off, either.

Because I told Bill that ifthey move
my desk one more time...

then I'm-- I'm quitting--
I'm going to quit.

And I told Dom too, because they've
moved my desk four times already this year.

And I used to be over
by the window...

and I could see the squirrels,
and they were married.

But then they switched from the Swingline
to the Boston stapler.

But I kept my Swingline stapler
because it didn't bind up as much...

and I kept the staples
for the Swingline stapler.

- Okay, Milton.
- [ Milton On Phone ] And, oh, no, it's not okay...

because ifthey make me--
ifthey take my stapler...

then I'll-- I'll have to--
I'll set the building on fire.

Okay, well, that sounds, uh--
that sounds great.

- Uh, I'll talk to you later, all right? Bye.
- [ Milton Stammering ]

Oh.

Yeah.

Good-bye.

[ Clicking ]

Come on.

Oh, for cryin'--

Hello, Peter.
What's happening?

Um...
I'm gonna nEED you...

to go ahead and come in tomorrow.

So ifyou could be here around...

9:00, that would be great.

Mm-kay?

Oh, oh, and I almost forgot.

Uh, I'm also gonna need you
to go ahead and come in...

on Sunday too, 'kay?

We, um, lost some people this week...

and, uh, we nEED
to sort of play catch-up.

Thanks.

[ Peter ] So I was sitting
in my cubicle today, and I realized...

ever since I started working, um...

every single day of my life
has been worse than...

the day before it.

So that means that every single day
that you see me...

that's on the worst day of my life.

What about today?
Is today the worst day ofyour life?

- Yeah.
- Wow. That's messed up.

I'm sorry. Go on.

Is there any way
that you could sort of...

just zonk me out so that, like,
I don't know that I'm at work... in here?

Culd I come home and think that
I've been fishing all day, or something?

That's... really not
what I do, Peter.

[ Chuckles ]
However...

the good news is,
I think I can help you.

I want you to do something
for me, Peter.

I want you to try and relax.

I want you to relax
every muscle in your body...

beginning with your toes
to your fingertips.

Now, I want you to relax your legs.

You're beginning to feel
your eyelids getting heavy...

as you slip deeper and deeper...

into a state of complete relaxation.

All your cares and concerns
are disappearing.

Deeper and deeper.
Way down.

Your concern about yourjob...

melts away...

way, way down.

[ Grunts ]

Now, when I count
backwards from three...

you'll be in a state
of complete relaxation.

Your worries, cares
and inhibitions will be gone...

and you will remain in that state...

until I snap my fingers.

Three.
Deeper and deeper.

Way, way down.

Two.
Deeper and deeper.

W-W-Way down.

[ Labored Breathing ]
Whu-- Whu-- One.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God! Doctor Swanson!

- Ex! Ex!
- [ Woman ] Is he breathing?

- Call 91 1 !
- Oh! Where's the phone?
Where's the goddamn phone?

[ Man ]
Hurry!

- [ Anne ] Peter!
- Hurry!

[ Beeping ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Phone Rings ]

- [ Answering Machine Beeps ]
- [ On Answering Machine ]
Yeah, hi. It's Bill Lumbergh.

It's about... 1 0:00.

Yeah. Just, uh,
wondering where you are.

- [ Rings ]
- [ Beeps ]

Yeah. Hi.
It's Bill Lumbergh again.

Uh, I just wanted to
make sure you knew...

that we did start at
the, uh, usual time this morning.

Yeah. It isn't a half day
or anything like that.

So, ifyou could just go ahead...

and get here as soon as possible,
that would be terrific.

Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lum--

- Yeah. It's--
- Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lumbergh--

Yeah. It's me again.
Uh, I was away from my desk for a minute.

- [ Phone Rings ]
- Just checking in, in case
you called while I was gone.

- Hello?
- [ Anne ] Peter, what's going on?

- Huh?
- It's 3:30. Why aren't you at work?

Because I— I— I didn't feel like it.

[ Scoffs ]
Peter, what's gotten into you?

First, you just sit there
while Dr. Swanson dies.

Then you just walk out ofthe car
and embarrass me in front of my friends.

- Don't blame this on hypnosis, either.
That's total bull--
- [ Beeps ]

- [ Phone Rings ]
- [ Answering Machine Beeps ]

[ Anne ]
Listen, asshole. Nobody hangs up on me.

We're through.
Oh, and one more thing.

I've been cheating on you!

[ Line Disconnects, Beeps ]

So, from now on,
only use the new time sheets...

ifyou've worked on
two or more job codes in one day...

and you need the extra
columns to fit it all in.

- Otherwise, use the old time sheets--
- Where's Peter?

I heard he didn't
show up this weekend.

- Uh, I don't know.
- I think this new system
will really, really help us out.

- Who the hell is that guy?
- So, uh, any questions?

- Hi. I'm Peter.
- Hi. Can I help you?

What are you doin' for lunch today?

Uh, well, our specials today
are blackened chicken.

And-- It's actually right there
on the board. Excuse me.

Hey, look who's back!

Table for three to--

I was askin' what you
were doin' for lunch.

Would you like to
have lunch with me?

[ Scoffs ]
Are you-- Are you serious?

Yeah.

Yeah. Um, I don't-- I don't think
I'm supposed to do that.

Oh. Okay.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm gonna go
next door and get a table.

And ifyou'd like to join me,
uh, no big deal, all right?

And if not, that's cool too. Okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

When you say, "next door,"
do you mean Chili's or Flinger's?

Flinger's.

Okay.

What you do at Initech is you take
the specifications from the customers...

and you bring them down
to the software engineers.

Yes. Y-Yes.
That's-- That's right.

Well, then I just have to ask...

why couldn't the customers just take them
directly to the software people, huh?

Well, I'll tell you why.

Uh, because... engineers are not good
at dealing with customers.

Uh-huh.

So, you physically take the specs
from the customer?

Well--

No. My secretary does that,
or they're faxed.

Huh.

So then you must physically bring them
to the software people.

Well... no.

I mean, sometimes.

Ah.

What would you say you do here?

Well, look, I already told you.

I deal with the goddamn customers
so the engineers don't have to.

I have people skills.
I am good at dealing with people!

Can't you understand that?
What the hell is wrong with you people?

l--

Let's see.

You are Michael...

- Bolton?
- Yeah.

- Is that your real name?
- Yeah.

Are you any relation
to the pop singer?

- No, it's-- it's just a coincidence.
- I'll be honest with you.

- I love his music. I do. I'm a Michael Bolton fan.
- Me too.

I don't know if it gets any better than when
he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman."

But you must really
love his music, huh?

[ Men Chuckle ]

Yeah, he's-- he's--
he's pretty--

- He's pretty good, I guess.
- You're goddamn right, he is.

- [ Men Laugh ]
- Right.

So, tell me.
What's your favorite song of his?

Mmm--

[ Clears Throat ]
I don't-- I don't know.

[ Chuckles ]
I mean, I guess I sort of like them all.

That's a riot.
I'm the exact same way.

But it must be twice as hard for you,
being having the same name as him.

I celebrate the guy's
entire catalog.

Anyway, let's get down
to business, Michael.

You know, you can just call me Mike.

- Hi.
- Hey.

I wonder if I'm allowed
to, uh, wear this in here.

I think it'll be okay.
Would you like to sit down?

Okay.

[ Sighs ]

Wow! This place is really... nice.

Yeah. Is it?

Yeah, my God,
compared to Chotchkie's!

I like the uniforms better, anyway.

I like yours.

Ugh!

- "We're not in Kansas anymore."
- [ Scoffs ]

Yeah, really.
[ Chuckles ]

It's on your--

Ohh! Yeah. That's--
That's, uh--

- That's one of my-- my pieces of flair.
- What's a piece of flair?

Oh, it's, uh, where, you know,
like these suspenders...

and, uh, the buttons
are all sort of--

We're actually required to wear,
um, 1 5 pieces of flair.

It's really stupid, actually.

- Do you get to pick 'em yourself?
- Yeah, yeah, we do.

Although I didn't
actually choose these.

I just sort of grabbed, you know,
1 5 buttons and just--

I don't even know what they say.
You know, I don't really care.

I don't really like
talking about my flair.

- Okay.
- So...

- where do you, uh, work, Peter?
- Initech.

And, yeah, what--
what do you do there?

I sit in a cubicle...

and I update bank software
for the 2000 switch.

- What's that?
- Well, see, they wrote all this bank software...

and, uh, to save space, they used two digits
for the date instead of four.

So, like, 98 instead of 1 998.

Uh, so I go through these
thousands of lines of code and, uh--

It doesn't really matter.

I, uh-- I don't like
myjob, and, uh...

I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.

- You're just not gonna go?
- Yeah.

- Won't you get fired?
- I don't know.

But I really don't like it
and, uh, I'm not gonna go.

What, so you're gonna quit?

Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh--
I'm just gonna stop going.

Uh, when did you decide all ofthat?

- About an hour ago.
- Oh, really.

- Yeah.
- About an hour ago.

So you're gonna get anotherjob?

I don't think I'd like anotherjob.

Well, what are you going to do
about money and bills and--

You know, I've never
really liked paying bills.

I don't think I'm gonna
do that, either.

Uh, well, so what do you wanna do?

I wanna take you out to dinner...

and then I want to go back to my apartment
and watch Kung Fu

Do you ever watch Kung Fu?

- Ilove Kung Fu.
- Channel 39.

- Totally.
- You should come over
and watch KungFu tonight.

- Okay.
- Great.

Okay. Can we order lunch first?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

[ Muttering ]

[ Indistinct Conversation ]

Not working out.

Took a stapler off my desk--

[ Continues, Indistinct ]

[ All Laughing ]

Anyway, sounds great, Bob.
See you in a few.

Hi, Milton.
What's happening?

- I'm sorry?
- Um, I'm going to have to ask you...

to go ahead
and move your desk again.

- Eh-- What? No.
- So, ifyou could go ahead...

and get it as far back against that wall
as possible...

- that would be great.
- No, no, because I was--

- I was told I no longer--
- That way, we'll have some room...

for some ofthese boxes and things
we nEED to put in here.

- There's no room.
- And, uh--

Oh. Oh, there it is.

- What?
- Here, let me just go ahead and get that from you.

- [ Moans ]
- Great.

- [ Whimpering ]
- So ifyou could just get to that...

as soon as possible,
that would be terrific. Mm-kay?

- Thanks a bunch, Milton. Good-bye.
- But--

Well, okay, but...

I could set the building on fire.

- Peter.
- Michael.

What the hell's going on, man? I thought you
were gonna come in here and start shooting.

No. I just came to get my address book.
I'm not gonna stay.

- I got a phone number, Mike,
that I don't wanna lose.
- What?

Peter, you're in deep shit. You were
supposed to come in on Saturday.

- What were you doing?
- Michael, I did nothing.

I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything
that I thought it could be.

I hope you have a better story
than that for Lumbergh.

You're supposed to be having your interview
right now with the consultants.

- The who?
- The consultants.

What has gotten into you?

Oh, yeah. Right.

Wait, Peter. Peter.
You gotta postpone it, man.

Tell 'em you've been sick.
Make something up.

Oh, no way.
No, I feel great.

It's the best day of my life.

Next batter looks
like a Peter Gibbons.

- Uh-huh.
- Ah, there you are.

We were just talking about you.
You must be Peter Gibbons.

Uh-huh. Terrific. I'm Bob Slydell.
This is my associate Bob Porter.

Oh, hi, Bob. Bob.

Why don't you go ahead and grab a seat
and join us for a minute or two.

You see, what we're actually trying
to do here is we're just--

We're trying to get a feel for how
people spend their day at work.

So, ifyou would, would you walk us through
a typical day for you?

- Yeah.
- Great.

Well, I generally come in
at least 1 5 minutes late.

Uh, I use the side door.

That way Lumbergh can't see me.

And, uh-- And after that...

I just sort of space out
for about an hour.

- Uh, "space out"?
- Yeah.

I just stare at my desk,
but it looks like I'm working.

I do that for, uh, probably another hour
after lunch too.

I'd say in a given week, I probably
only do about 1 5 minutes...

of real, actual work.

Uh, Peter, would you
be a good sport...

and indulge us and just...
tell us a little more?

Oh, yeah. Let me tell you something
about T.P.S. reports.

[ Chuckles ]

The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy.
It's that I just don't care.

Don't-- Don't care?

It's a problem
of motivation, all right?

Now, if I work my ass off
and Initech ships a dew extra units...

I don't see another dime,
so where's the motivation?

And here's something else, Bob.

I have eight different bosees right now.

- I beg your pardon? Eight?
- Eight bosses Eight, Bob.

So that means that
when I make a mistake...

I have eight different people coming by
to tell me about it.

That's my only real morivation
is not to be hassled.

That and the fear of losing myjob.

But you know, Bob, that'll only make someone
workjust hard enough not to get fired.

Would you bear with me
forjust a second, please?

Okay.

What if-- and believe me...

this is so hypothetical--

but what ifyou were offered
some kind of a stock oprion...

equity-sharing program?

- Would that do anything for you?
- I don't know. I guess.

Listen, I'm gonna go. Uh, it's been really nice
talking to both ofyou guys.

Absolutely. The pleasure's all
on this side ofthe table, trust me.

Good luck with your layoffs, all right?
I hope your firings go really well.

- Okay. Great. Wow.
- Thanks a lot.

So, Peter, what's happening?

Listen, uh--

Joanna, would you come here
a minute, please?

Yeah.

I'm sorry I was late,
but I was having lunch and I, uh--

We need to talk about your flair.

Really? I-I have 1 5 pieces on. I also--

- Well, 1 5 is the minimum, okay?
- Oh. Okay.

Now, you know,
it's up to you whether or not...

you wanna just do
the bare minimum or, uh--

Well, like Brian, for example,
has 37 pieces of flair on today.

- And a terrific smile.
- Okay, so you want me to wear more?

- Look, Joanna--
- Yeah?

People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, okay?

They come to Chotchkie's
for the atmosphere and the attitude.

Okay? That's what the flair's about.
It's about fun.

Yeah.
Okay, so more then, yeah?

Look, we want you
to express yourself. Okay?

Now, ifyou feel that the bare minimum
is enough, then okay.

But some people choose to wear more
and we encourage that. Okay?

You do wanna express yourself, don't you?

- Y-Yeah.
- Okay, great, great.

That's all I ask.

Okay.

Right, so there's three more people
we can easily lose.

And then there's Tom Smykowski.

He's useless.

- Gone.
- Sounds good to me.

Here's a peculiar--
Uh, Milton Waddams.

- Who's he?
- You know, squirrely-looking guy.

- Mumbles a lot.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we-- we can't actually find a record
of him being a current employee here.

I looked into it more deeply, and I found
that apparently what happened...

is that he was laid off five years ago,
and no one ever told him about it.

But through some kind of glitch in
the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.

So we just went ahead
and fixed the glitch.

- Great.
- So, uh, Milton has been let go.

Well, just a second there, professor.

We, uh-- We fixed the glitch...

so he won't be receiving
a paycheck anymore...

so it'll just work
itself out naturally.

We always like to avoid confrontation
whenever possible.

The problem is solved from your end.

Um, I'd like to move us right along
to a Peter Gibbons.

Now, we had a chance
to meet this young man...

and, boy, that's
just a straight shooter...

with upper management
written all over him.

[ Inhales ]
Ooh.

Yeah. Um--

I'm going to have to go ahead
and sort of disagree with you there.

Yeah, uh, he's been
real flaky lately...

and I'm just not sure that
he's the caliber person...

that we would want
for upper management.

He's also been having some problems
with his T.P.S. reports.

I'll handle this.

We feel...

that the problem isn't with Peter.

Mm-mmm.

It's that you haven't challenged him enough
to get him really motivated.

There it is.

Yeah, uh, well...

I'm just not sure
about that right now.

Yeah, Bill, let me ask you
a real quick question here.

How much time would you
say you spend each week...

dealing with these T.P.S. reports?

Yeah.

♪ Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta ♪

♪ A real gangsta-ass nigga
plays his cards right ♪

♪ A real gangsta-ass nigga
never runs his mouth ♪

♪ 'Cause real gangsta-ass niggas
don't start fights ♪

♪ And niggas always
gotta high cap ♪

♪ Showin' all his boys
how he shot 'em ♪

♪ But real gangsta-ass niggas
don't flex nuts ♪

♪ 'Cause real gangsta-ass niggas
know they got 'em ♪

♪ And everything's cool
in the mind of a gangsta ♪

♪ 'Cause gangsta-ass niggas
think deep ♪

♪ Up 365 a year, 24-7 ♪

- [ Indistinct ]
- ♪ Real gangsta-ass niggas don't sleep ♪

♪ And all I gotta say
to you wannabe, gonna-be ♪

♪ Cootchie-eatin',
jealous-heart pranksters ♪

♪ Is when the shit jumps up
what you gon' do ♪

♪ Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta ♪

[ Lawrence ]
Hey, Peter, man! Check out channel 9.

It's the breast exams.
Whoa!

♪ Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta ♪

- Hi, Peter.
- ♪ Feedin' the poor
and helpin' out with their bills ♪

- Hi, Dom.
- ♪ Although I was born in Jamaica ♪

♪ Now I'm in the U.S.
making deals ♪

♪ Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta ♪

♪ I mean, one that
you don't really know ♪

♪ Riding around town
in a drop-top Benz ♪

♪ Hittin' switches
in my black six-four ♪

♪ Now gangsta-ass niggas
come in all shapes and colors ♪

- ♪ Some got killed in the past ♪
- Time for you to leave.

♪ But this gangsta here
was a smart one ♪

♪ Started living for
the lord and I'll last ♪

♪ Now all I gotta say to you
wannabe, gonna-be ♪

♪ Crumbsnatchin',
cootchie-eatin' pranksters ♪

♪ When the grim reaper steps up
what the hell you gonna do ♪

♪ Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta ♪♪

So, Peter, what's happening?

Uh, now, are you
going to go ahead...

and have those T.P.S. reports
for us this afternoon?

No.

Ah, yeah.

So I guess we should probably go ahead
and have a little talk, hmm?

Not right now, Lumbergh.
I'm-- I'm kinda busy.

In fact, I'm going to have to ask you to go
ahead and just come back another time.

I got a meeting with the Bobs
in a couple minutes.

Uh, I wasn't aware of
a meeting with them.

Yeah, they called me at home.

That sounds good, Peter.

And, uh, we'll go ahead
and get this all fixed up for you.

Great.

[ Muttering ]

Hi, Milton.
What's happening?

I was-- I-I— I didn't receive
my paycheck this week.

Uh, you're going to have to talk
to Payroll about that.

I did and they said--

Milt, we're going to need to go ahead
and move you downstairs into storage "B."

- No, I-I was told I could not--
- We have some new people coming in...

- No. There's--
- and we nEED all the space we can get.

- But there's no space--
- So ifyou could just go ahead...

- and pack up your stuff, and move it down there...
- [ Stammering ]

- that would be terrific-- mm-kay?
- I was told I could stay--

Excuse me.

I believe you have
my stapler, please. Mmm.

Looks like you've been missing
a lot ofwork lately.

- I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.
- [ Laughing ]

- Good one.
- Oh, that's terrific, Peter.

I-I'm sure you've-- you've
heard some ofthe rumors...

circulating around the hallways
about how we're going to be doing...

a little "housecleaning" with
some ofthe software people.

Well, Bob, I have heard that,
and you gotta do what you gotta do.

We're gonna be getting rid
ofthese people here.

First, Mr. Samir Naga--

- He-- He--
- Naga--

- Naga-- Not gonna work here anymore anyway.
- [ Laughing ]

And Mr. Mike Bolton.
Nobody's gonna miss him.

You're gonna lay off
Samir and Michael?

Ah, yeah, we're gonna bring in
some entry-level graduates.

Farm some work out to Singapore.
That's the usual deal.

- It's standard operating procedure.
- Do they know this yet?

No. No, of course not.

We find it's always better
to fire people on a Friday.

Studies have statistically shown
that there's less chance of an incident...

ifyou do it at the end ofthe week.

Peter, what we'd like to do
is put you into position...

to have as many as four people
working right underneath you.

- This is a big promotion, Pete.
- Iy's huge.

So you're going to fire Michael and Samir
and you're going to give me more money?

- Hmm?
- Wow!

Hmm. Yeah.
That's it.

That's exactly what I need.
Uh-huh. Give it to me.

Cme on, you little fucker.
Let's go. That's what I need.

Let's do that. Let's do exactly that,
you little fuck--

- Michael.
- Hey.

Listen to me.

What are you doing tonight?

Michael, there comes
a point in a man's life...

and maybe that time
for you is now...

when it doesn't hurt
to start thinking about the future.

Uh, no offense there, Peter,
but speak for yourself there, sport.

I'm not the one who's been
flakin' out at work.

I know you had this religious experience
or whatever the hell that was...

but you'd better snap out of it and get
your shit together, or you're gonna get canned.

Yeah, and, uh-- and l-- Listen.

That virus you're always
talking about, right?

The one that could rip offthe company
for a bunch of money.

- Yeah, what about it?
- Well, how does it work?

It's pretty brilliant.

What it does is, every time there's a bank
transaction where interest is computed...

you know, thousands a day,
the computer ends up...

with these fractions of a cent,
which it usually rounds off.

What this does is, it takes those
little remainders and puts it into an account.

- This sounds familiar.
- Yeah, they did it in Superman III.

- Right, uh--
- An underrated movie, actually.

And a bunch of hackers that did it in
the '70s as well. One of them got busted.

- Well, so they check for this now.
- No, here's the thing.

Initech's so backed up with all the software
we're updating for the year 2000...

they'd never notice.

You're right.

And even ifthey wanted to,
they couldn't check all that code.

Thumbs up their asses.
Thumbs up their asses.

So, Michael, whay's to stop you
from doing this?

It's not worth the risk.
I got a good job.

What ifyou didn't have a good job?

Cock-gobblers!

Samir and I are the best programmers
they got at that place.

And you, you haven't been showin' up,
and you get to keep yourjob.

- Actually, I'm being promoted.
- What?

I know, Michael.
It's completely unfair.

And I realized someyhing today.

It's notjust about me
and my dream of doing nothing.

It's about all of us together.

I don't know what happened
to me at that hypnoyherapist...

and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock
and it's wearing off now...

but when I saw that fat man
keel over and die--

Michael, we don't have
a lot oftime on this earth.

We weren't meant
to spend it this way.

Human beings were not meant
to sit in little cubicles...

staring at computer screens all day,
filling out useless forms...

and listening to eight different bosses
drone on about mission statements.

I told those fudge-packers
I liked Michael Bolton's music.

Oh. That is not right, Michael.

For five years now,
you've worked your ass off at Initech...

hoping for a promotion or some kind
of profit-sharing or something.

Five years ofyour mid-20s now gone.

And you're gonna go in tomorrow,
they're gonna throw you out on the street.

You know why?

So that Bill Lumbergh's stock
will go up a quarter of a point.

Ugh.

Michael, let's make
that stock go down...

and let's take enough money
out ofthat place...

so that we never ever have to
sit in a cubicle ever again.

Your software works, right?

Of course it works.
That's not the point.

Look, even if I wanted to,
I wouldn't know how to install it.

I don't know the credit union's software
well enough. Okay?

Yeah.

But Samir does.

- But, Peter, that's not much money.
- That's the beauty of it.

Each withdrawal, that's a fraction of a cent.
That's too small to notice.

But a dew thousand withdrawals a day,
you space it out over a couple ofyears...

that's a few hundred
thousand dollars.

- It'slike Superman I II.
- Superman IIl-- What--

Look, I have to leave now, okay?

I have to get my ésumé ready.

Get your résumé ready? For what? For another
job where they can just fire you for no reason?

That's right!
If I'm lucky!

I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired
of being pushed around. Aren't you?

Yes, Peter! But I'm not going
to do anything illegal.

Illegal?
Samir, this is America!

Come on. Sit down.

Come on. This isn't Riyadh.

They're not gonna
saw your hands off here, all right?

The worst they would ever do is,
they would put you, for a couple of months...

into a white-collar,
minimum-security resort.

Shit, we should be so lucky!

- Do you know they have conjugal visits there?
- Really?

- Yes.
- [ Michael ] Shit.

I'm a free man, I haven't had
a conjugal visit in six months.

- So, what do you think?
- This thing is actually pretty fail-safe, Samir.

Samir...

you came here looking for
a land of opportunity...

and this is the knock
ofthat opportunity.

Tomorrow's your last day at Initech.

You have two options:
unemployment or early retirement.

What's it gonna be?

- I have a question.
- Yes?

In-- In these conjugal visits,
you can have sex with women?

Yep. You sure can.

Okay, I'll do it.

- That's what I'm talking about
when I talk about Amer--
- Peter?

- How about we discuss the plan?
- Okay, yeah. Good. Right.

It works like a computer virus.

All we have to do is load it into the credit
union mainframe, and it'll do the rest.

Okay. You guys gey me that disk,
and I'll take care of it from there.

But listen, before we go any further,
all right...

we have to swear to God, Allah...

that nobody knows about this but us.

All right? No family members,
no girlfriends, nobody.

- Of course.
- Agreed.

[ Lawrence ]
Don't worry, man! I won't tell anyone either!

- What the fuck is that?
- No, don't worry about him. He's cool. All right.

Here's how I see it all going down.

Peter, congratulations.
This is one heck of a promotion.

- Thank you, Bob.
- We'll get some people under you right away.

♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]

♪♪ [ Rapper Chuckles ]

[ Man ]
♪ It makes me wanna creep ♪

♪ I got somethin' for your mind
your body and your soul ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Damn, I'm such a "G"
It's pathetic ♪

♪ Here comes the big-headed nigga
that's dippin' ♪

♪ Sippin' on Courvoisier ♪

♪ Goddamn
I must have to floss today ♪

♪ Now, pimpin' ain't easy
but it's necessary ♪

♪ So I'm chasin' bitches
like Tom chased Jerry ♪

♪ I put the pedal
to the !flo-ah" ♪

♪ In my two-toned
Ford Explorer ♪

♪ You know how it's done ♪

♪ Sounds bumpin'
Ain't that somethin' ♪

♪Jumped on the 1 1 0 ♪

♪ She's flyin' in the Blazer ♪

- [ Voice Slowed Down ] Hey, how's it goin'?
- ♪ Like "Go, Speed Racer" ♪

♪ But I ain't gon' chase her
like Racer "X" ♪

♪ But I won't flex
till it's time to have sex ♪

♪ So when you wanna
get together ♪

♪ 'Cause you know
a nigga like me ♪

♪ Is down for whatever ♪

- [ Cell Door Slams ]
- ♪ Damn ♪

[ Skipping ]
♪ Ye-e-e-e-a-a-a-h ♪

♪ Ye-e-e-e-a-a-a-h ♪♪

- Well, that was easy.
- Yeah, I guess it was.

What'd you do with the c--

Hey, man.

Oh, hey, Drew.

- You guys hear about Tom Smykowski?
- What, that he got laid off?

No, man. Check it out.

[ Drew ] Last week, right after he found out
he was getting laid off...

he goes home and tries to kill himself
by running the car in the garage.

- [ Michael ] Is he dead?
- [ Drew ] No, man. Check it out.

That wife of his comes home early
from work and catches him.

- [ Coughs ]
- So he tries to play it off like nothing happened.

I was-- [ Coughs ]
having some trouble with the shifter here.

It's jammed,
and I couldn't get it into drive.

- I-I-I mean, reverse.
- You okay, Tom?

- [ Drew ] Then, as he's looking at her...
- Yeah.

- he decides he wants to live. [ Snickers ]
- Yeah, I think I'm okay.

- Right.
- Seems to be working now. [ Chuckling ]

See ya later, honey!

Love ya!

[ Drew ] But then, as soon as
he backs out of his driveway--

Bam! He gets slammed big-time
by a drunk driver!

- Is he okay?
- Sort of.

He broke both his wrists, legs,
couple of ribs, his back.

But he's gonna get a huge settlement
out of this, like, seven figures.

He's getting out
ofthe hospital tomorrow.

He's gonna throw a party this weekend
to celebrate. We're all invited.

I'm thinkin' I might take
that new chick from Logistics.

Things go well, I might be showin' her
my "O" face.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!"
You know what I'm talkin' about.

"Oh!"
[ Chuckles ]

Yeah. Right.
See you guys there.

Wow. Our last day at Initech.

I can't believe they had Security
escort us out.

Like we're going to steal something.

- I stole something.
- Oh, yeah. Guess we all did.

No, I stole something else.

What did you steal?

Call it a going-awaqy present.

♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]

[ Male Rapper ]
♪ Kill ♪

- ♪ Kill ♪
- ♪ Back up in yo1 ass with the resurrection ♪

♪ It's the group harder than an erection
that shows more affection ♪

♪ They wanna ban us
on Capitol Hill ♪

- ♪ 'Cause it's die, motherfuckers
Die, motherfuckers, still ♪
- ♪ Still ♪

♪ All along it was the ghetto
Nothin' but the ghetto ♪

♪ Takin' short steps
One foot at a time ♪

♪ And kept my head low
and never let go ♪

♪ 'Cause if I let go
then I'd be spineless ♪

- ♪ I'm goin' insane ♪
- ♪ I think my mind just goes out of control ♪

♪ You judge on subjects
motherfuckers read about ♪

♪ I touch on the shit
that they be leavin' out ♪

♪ I seen this motherfucker's
.9 smokin', I seen it ♪

♪ I bet you motherfuckers
will too ♪

♪ Because it's die, motherfuckers ♪

♪ Die, motherfuckers
still, fool ♪

- ♪ Die, motherfuckers, still, fool ♪
- ♪ Die, motherfuckers ♪

♪ Die, motherfuckers
still ♪

♪ Die, motherfuckers
Die, motherfuckers, still, fool ♪

♪ Die, motherfuckers ♪

- ♪ Die, motherfuckers still ♪
- ♪ Kill ♪

♪ Die, motherfuckers
Die, motherfuckers, still, fool ♪

♪ Die, motherfuckers
Die, motherfuckers, still ♪

♪ I-l-- I-l-- I think it's
somethin' in the water, man ♪

♪ I-Iy's gotta be in the water ♪

♪ Oh, fuck ♪

♪ Chuck's on a killin' spree again ♪

♪ We guillotine for men ♪

♪ I walk around town
with a frown on my face ♪

♪ Fuck the whole world
fixin' to catch a murder case ♪

♪ Gonna murder and rape ♪

♪ May increase ifyou caught up in the world
while it's dyin' ♪

[ Continues On Stereo ] ♪ I guarantee you fryin'
'Cause I am ♪

♪ On the verge of knockin' motherfuckers out
for no reason ♪

♪ Once I get down there'll be no breathin' ♪♪
[ Fades ]

[ Michael ]
Who's got my keys?

- I'm driving. Not you.
- Everything is gonna be okay. All right?

- Peter-- Peter--
- Okay? It's fun, and it's exciting.

- Be serious.
- I gotta go. All right?

Joanna's coming over.
All right? Don't worry.

You're worrying. All right?

Monday morning we're gonna check
the account balance. Everything'll be okay.

Don't miss Tom's barbecue.
I'll see you there. All right?

- Good night.
- ♪ Back up in your ass with the resurrection ♪

Hey, what were you guys
celebrating last night?

Uh... I'm not really at liberty
to talk about it.

I really can't

All right, so when the subroutine
compounds the interest...

it uses all these extra decimal places
thatjust get rounded off.

So we simplified the whole thing...

and we just-- we round 'em all down
and drop the remainder...

into an account that we opened.

So, you're stealing.

Uh, no.
You don't understand.

It's, uh-- It's very complicated.

It's, uh-- It's aggregate, so I'm talking
about fractions of a penny here.

And, uh, over time
they add up to a lot.

Oh, okay. So, you're gonna make
a lot of money, right?

- Yeah.
- Right? That's not yours?

- Uh, well, it becomes ours.
- How is that not stealing?

I don't think, uh-- I don't think
that I'm explaining this very well.

- Um, the 7-Eleven, right?
- Mm-hmm.

You'd take a penny from the tray.

- From the crippled children?
- No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray.

The-- You know,
the pennies for everybody.

Oh. For everybod-- Okay.

Yeah, well, those are whole pennies.
All right?

I'm just talking about
fractions of a penny here.

Okay? But we do it from a much bigger tray
a couple of million times.

So what's wrong with that?

- I don't know. Itjust seems wrong.
- Iy's not wrong.

Initech is wrong.
Initech is an evil corporation.

Chotchkie's is wrong.

Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up
in the morning and put on pieces of flair?

Yeah, but I'm not about to go in
and start taking money from the register.

Well, maybe you should.

You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair
that they made the Jews wear.

What?

Look, we don't-- I-I—

We don't have to
talk about this now.

- Let's just go to the barbecue.
- Okay.

Michael! Samir!
How you doin'?

- Hey, Tom.
- Hello, Tom.

I'd like you to meet
my lawyer, Rob Newhouse.

- Rob, Michael, Samir.
- How you doing?

Peter! How are you?
I'm glad you could make it.

Tom, hi. This is somebody
I'd like you to meet.

- This is Joanna.
- Hi. Forgive me for not getting up.

- [ Laughing ]
- [ Laughing ]

[ Groaning ]

Uh-- Uh, Peter, come here a minute.
I wanna show you something.

Well, what do you think?
It's a prototype.

[ Peter ]
Huh! Thay's exactly as you described it.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, listen,
I heard about your settlement.

- Congratulations.
- Well, thanks, Peter.

You know, I'm glad you're here
because I wanted to talk to you.

I know how you get depressed
about yourjob and all.

I just wanted you to know that I know
how you feel. I used to be the same way.

- Really?
- Sure!

Maybe I didn't whine as much,
but I bet I hated myjob even more than you.

And I've been doing it
for over 30 years.

- Wow.
-Just remember.

Ifyou hang in there long enough...

good things can happen
in this world.

I mean, look at me.
[ Chuckling ]

Thanks, Tom.

Oh, sure.

[ Chattering ]

Conjugal visits?
Not that I know of.

A minimum-security prison
is no picnic.

I have a client in there right now.

He says, the trick is,
kick someone's ass the first day...

or become someone's bitch.

Then everything'll be all right.

Why do you ask, anyway?

Oh, no, we were just-- Sorry. Sorry.

[ Nervous Chuckle ]

- Hey, Peter.
- Drew.

That's somethin'
about ol' Smykowski, huh?

- Yeah.
- Lucky bastard.

Hey, isn't that the girl
that works over at Chotchkie's?

Yeah.

Who's she here with?

She's with me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

All right, Peter.
Ooh! Ooh!

- Right on.
- [ Chuckling ]

Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.

Why is that, Drew?

Are you kidding me?
She gets around.

[ Chuckles ]
All right?

She does, does she?

Oh, yeah, like a record.
[ Laughs ]

Like with who?

Oh, let's see, uh--
[ Scoffs ]

Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.
[ Snickering ]

Let me see who else.

Uh, Dick Rennie--

- Lumbergh?
- Eric Louis--

So, what if-- Oh.
What ifyou get caught?

I just don't know
ifthis was such a good idea.

Yeah, well, maybe it wasn't such a good idea
for you to sleep with Lumbergh.

What?

What are you--

Oh, right. Lumbergh.

Aah!

Oh, God. Lumbergh.

Peter, what is wrong with you?

That was, like two years ago.
What, did you know him?

Yeah, I know him.
I know him. He's my boss.

He's my unholy,
disgusting pig of a boss!

Oh, he's not that disgusting.

He represents all
that is soulless and wrong!

- And you slept with him.
- Hey!

That is none ofyour business.
Okay?

I didn't ask you who you slept with
before we were together.

- I don't care.
- Well, I didn't think you slept
with guys like Lumbergh!

Listen to you.

Who do you think you are?
How dare you judge me.

I mean, what are you?
Some kind of angel here?

No, you're just
this penny-stealing...

wannabe criminal... m-man.

Yeah, well, that may be...

but at least
I never slept with Lumbergh.

Okay, that's-- I'm done.
I wanna get out of the car.

- Fine.
- Stop!

Just call me when you grow up.

You know, that's never gonna happen.
So just don't call me.

Say hello to Lumbergh for me!

Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.

Lumbergh fucked her.

Lumbergh... fucked her.

That's great.

I mean, she was seein'
the "O" face, for sure!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Sss. Ooh.
- Ooh! Ooh!

Ifyou could go ahead and just move
a little bit to the lef-- That's it.

Great.
[ Inhales ]

Peter! What's happening?

Um, could you get me
those T.P.S. reports ASAP? Mm-kay?

[ Gasps ]

[ Sighs, Panting ]

-Joanna.
- Yeah?

We need to talk.

Do you know what this is about?

[ Sighs ]
My, uh, flair?

Yeah.

Or, uh, your lack of flair.

Because, uh, I'm counting
and I only see 1 5 pieces.

Let me ask you a question, Joanna.

What do you think of a person...

who only does the bare minimum?

Huh. What do I thi--
Uh, you know what, Stan?

[ Sighs ]
Ifyou want me to wear 37 pieces of flair...

like your pretty boy
over there, Brian...

why don't you just make the minimum
37 pieces of flair?

Well, I thought I remembered you saying
that you wanted to express yourself.

Yeah. You know what?
Yeah, I do.

I do wanna express myself. Okay?
And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it.

All right?

There's my flair. Okay?

And this is me expressing myself.

Okay?

There it is.

I hate this job. I hate this goddamn job,
and I don't need it!

[ Beeping ]

Oh, shit.

- Shit! Shit!
- Oh, shit.

Son of a bitch! Shit!

- This is a-- Fuck! l-- I—
- Son of a bitch!

- Shit!
- What happened?

- You tell me, Michael! It's your software!
- Yes! It's your software!

Corporate Accounting is sure as hell
gonna notice $305,3—

26.1 3, Michael!

Oh, shit!

They probably won't know it's gone
for another three or four days.

Michael, you said the thing
was gonna take two years!

What happened? You said the thing
was supposed to work!

- Technically, it did work.
- No, it didn't!

It did not work, Michael! Okay?

Okay, okay!
Okay. Okay.

I must've put a decimal point
in the wrong place or something.

Shit, I always do that. I aIways mess up
some mundane detail.

Oh! Well, this is not
a mundane detail, Michael!

Hey, quit getting pissed
at me, all right?

This was all your idea, asshole.

All right. Okay.
Let's try not to get pissed off at each other.

Let's just try to figure this thing out together.

The first thing we gotta do is close that account
before it gets any bigger.

[ Singing Unenthusiastically ]
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Mr. Lumbergh ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

[ Lumbergh ]
Doesn't that look terrific.

Mmm!

Here, Peg. You wanna get
everybody started there?

Mmm!
Oh, that is terrific.

- Just terrific. Thanks, everybody.
- Thank you.

Really. I really, really appreciate it.
It's very special.

Now, Milton!
Don't be greedy!

Let's pass it along and make sure
everyone gets a piece.

'Kay, but last time I didn't receive a piece,
and I was told that--

-Just pass.
- Okay.

But this-- this--
If-- There-- There--

I just-- See, the cake--

There's lots of cake,
but there's--

The ratio of people to cake is--

[ Milton Muttering ]

All I want
is a piece of cake--

I think there's--
there's a piece of--

[ Muttering ]
I could set the building on fire.

I-Is there some way
to just give the money back?

What, do you mean just hand them a check
for the exact amount they're missing?

I think they!d figure that out.

Well, we have to do something.

Maybe we could launder the money.

That's a great idea.

- Okay, how do we do that?
- I don't-- I don't know.

I don't even know what it means.
I was hoping you knew.

- I think coke dealers do it.
- All right, do we know any coke dealers?

M-My cousin's a cokehead.

Fuck.
We're in deep shit.

Yes, we are in very, very deep shit.

[ Grunts ]

Milton.

- Yes?
- What's happening?

- I wanted to see you--
- Say, Milton, you know what'd be great?

Wh-- No.

Since you're down here, it would be
really great ifyou could just sort of...

take care of the cockroach problem
we've been having in here.

No, that's really not myjob, and I—
I haven't received my paycheck--

So, for now why don't you
get yourself a flashlight...

and a can of pesticide
and crawl back--

Bill? We nEED you
upstairs right away.

We got a big problem. Big.

Some major glitch in Accounting.

- A lot of money missing.
- Hmm.

We've got an investigator here.

- Excuse me?
- [ Footsteps Ascending Stairs ]

- Excuse me!
- [ Door Slams ]

Well... okay, but...
that's the last straw.

Here we go.
Here we go.

Uh, "launder."

"To clean--" No. "Wash."

Here it is:
"To conceal the source of money...

as by channeling it
through an intermediary."

"To conceal
a source of money--"

That doesn't really
help us, Michael.

I can't believe what nerds we are...

looking up money laundering
in a dictionary.

Yeah, well...

you guys can both eat my ass, okay?

I can't believe Joanna slept with Lumbergh.
That's what I can't believe.

- You didn't know that?
- Yeah. You didn't know that?

A couple ofyears ago,
before he moved to Atlanta.

You mean Ron Lumbergh, the Initrode guy?
The young guy?

Yeah. Who'd you think I meant? Bill?
[ Snickers ]

- [ Snickering ]
- [ Laughing ]

Fuckin'-- Their children
would have hooves.

[ Laughing Cntinues ]

- Ron's not related to Bill, is he?
- [ Knocking ]

Who's that?

All right, nobody panic.
Probablyjust Lawrence.

[ Haltingly ] Good evening. My name is Steve.
I come from a rough area.

I used to be addicted to crack,
but now I'm off and trying to stay clean.

- Okay.
- That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.

- No.
- W-W-Wait a minute.

You used to be addicted to crack?

Yeah, b--

Um, w--

Look, I'm very sorry.

I do not know anything
about any money laundering.

No, we're not asking you
about money laundering.

- We need you to hook us up with--
- Michael, he doesn't know anybody.

No, wait-- wait a minute. Look.

You just give us the name of one drug dealer.
I could talk to him.

- I have good networking skill--
- [ Normal Voice ] I lied.

All that stuff I said about being a crackhead
just helps me sell magazines.

I'm actually an unemployed
software engineer.

- You're a software engineer?
- Yep.

Things, uh, must be
very rough for you.

Actually, man, I make more money
selling magazine subscriptions...

than I ever did at Initrode.

At Initrode?

Wait a minute. You're not gonna tell
anybody about this stuffwe told you.

I mean, we knoW a lot
ofthe same people. That's--

[ Clears Throat ]
Actually, um, that all depends.

Wh--

What am I gonna do
with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?

We never should have done this.
What were we thinking?

You know what I can't figure out?

How is it that all these stupid, Neanderthal
mafia guys can be so good at crime...

and smart guys like us
can suck so badly at it?

We're new to it, though.

Ifwe had more experience--

No, you know what I think?
I think we're screwed.

There's enough evidence all over
that building to link us to thiS.

Even ifwe could launder money, I wouldn't
want to. What we've done is bad enough.

We get caught laundering money,
we're not going to white-collar resort prison.

No, no, no, we're going to
federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

I-I-I don't want to go
to any prison!

Why the hell did I do this?

I've never done anything wrong
in my whole life.

We weren't thinking clearly because you told us
we were losing ourjobs.

And now we're worried
about going in a prison.

Don't worry about it.
I'll think of something.

[ Scoffs ]

- I'm going home.
- Me too.

You are a very bad person, Peter.

[ Door Opens ]

[ Door Closes ]

Lawrence, you awake?

Yeah.

You wanna come over?

No, thanks, man.
I don't want you fuckin' up my life too.

Goddamn.

And in light of the senselessness
ofthese heinous crimes...

that you have committed
against Initech...

I hereby sentence you,
Michael Bolton...

and Samir Naan--

Nanadajibad...

to a term of no less
than four years...

in a federal
pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

[ Sniffling, Sobbing ]

Peter Gibbons...

you've led a trite
and meaningless life.

And you're a very bad person.

[ Gavel Bangs, Reverberates ]

[ Sighs ]

Hey.

You're not working
at Chotchkie's anymore, huh?

No. No, I got fired.

What happened?

I flipped off my boss...

some customers--

Actually, a line cook, but he just happened
to be standing there, so--

I might be going away for a while...

uh, to jail.

You were right about that computer scam.
That was a bad idea.

I'm gonna take the blame for it,
I decided.

I'm on my way now to return the money
and leave a confession...

under Lumbergh's door.

Joanna, I want to apologize.

I had no right to get pissed off at you about
Lumbergh. Lumbergh is not my problem.

Wasn't even the right Lumbergh.

I don't know why I can't
just go to work and be happy...

like I'm supposed to,
like everybody else.

Peter, most people
don't like theirjobs.

But you go out there and you find
something that makes you happy.

Yeah, well...

I may never be happy at myjob...

but I think that
if I could be with you...

that I could be happy with my life.

I've been a real asshole.

But ifyou could give it
another shot, I promise--

Okay, shut up.

Whoa! Hey!
What's going on here?

Get a room, you two!
[ Cackles ]

Nyah-nyah-nyah!
[ Laughing ]

I hate that guy.

[ Sighs ]

Then Mr. Lumbergh
told me to talk to Payroll...

and then Payroll told me
to talk to Mr. Lumbergh.

I still haven't received my paycheck,
and he took my stapler.

He never brought it back.

Then they moved by desk to storage room "B"
and there was garbage on it--

Why don't you go back down
and sit at your desk.

-Mr. Lumbergh should be here any minute.
-I want to talk to Mr. Lumbergh.

Just go sit at your desk. Okay?

Okay, but I— l--
I'm gonna just--

I'm telling you right now,
my desk is located in the basement.

I'm sure you know where it is.

- [ Milton Continues Muttering ]
- [ Door Closes ]

I'm just gonna have to
take my stapler back.

Because it's my stapler, and I told Mr.—
It's my-- It's--

It's my stapler.
It's a Swingline.

I've been using it for a long time.

[ Continues Muttering ]
It doesn't bind up--

Lawrence. You in there?

Whoa. Hey, Peter, man.

Hey.

- So, I might be going away for a while.
- Yeah, I know, man.

It's a bummer, dude.
What can I say?

Yeah. Uh--

Well, time to go face the music.

You take care ofyourself
if I don't see you. All right?

- You too, man. Take 'er easy, bud.
- All right.

All right.

- Hey, Peter.
- Yeah?

Watch out for your cornhole, bud.

Okay, Lawrence.

[ Siren Wailing In Distance ]

- [ Radio: Dispatcher, Indistinct ]
- [ Chattering, Murmuring ]

[ Fireman ]
Stay clear, now! Stay clear!

Holy shit!

Excuse me.

[ Milton Muttering ]

And, uh-- I mean, can l--
I was here first. I have to--

Oh, gosh.

Wait a minute.
Let me take a look at that.

You don't want that, Peter, man.
That's toasted, man.

I think I know someone
who might want this.

♪♪ [ Car Stereo: Rap ]

[ Horn Honks ]

Hey, man!

Wanna go to lunch?

Brought mine in a pail.

Plus, Joanna's supposed
to come by a little later.

So, how do you like your newjob?

Not too bad.
Not too bad.

How's, uh, Penetrode?

- Intertrode.
- Intertrode.

- They're all right.
- It's work.

Yeah. Yeah.

Probably get you a job there
ifyou want.

No, thanks. I, uh--
I'm doing good here.

So, uh...

we're gonna be okay, right?

Yeah.

I think the fire pretty much
took care of everything.

I wonder ifthe money burned up.

It would be a shame.

- Yeah.
- So you're sure you don't want us to get you a job?

That's one thing
I'm definitely sure of.

- Okay.
- All right, chief.

- You guys take care. All right?
- All right.

Stay in touch, man.

Okay. Will do.

This isn't so bad, huh?

Making bucks, getting exercise...

working outside.

Fuckin'-A

Excuse me.
Excuse me, señor.

May I speak to you, please?

I asked for a mai tai,
and they brought me a piña colada.

And I said no salt-- no saIt for the margarita,
but it had saIt on it.

- LO siento mucho, eñOr. [ Muttering ]
Pinche gringo.
- Big grains of salt--

Ifthis happens again,
I won't be leaving a tip.

'Cause I could--
I could shut this whole resort down.

Sir?

I could take my traveler's checks
to a competing resort.

I could write a letter
to your board oftourism...

and I could have
this place condemned.

I could put-- I could put strychnine
in the guacamole.

There was salt on the glass.
Big grains of salt.

♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]

[ Man Vocalizing, Echoing ]

Give her a ride on
the old bone roller coaster.

- Aaaah! [ Chuckles, Whistles ]
- [ Lumbergh ] Mmm!

Yeah.

[ Man Rapping ]
♪ Yo, 6:00 every morning ♪

♪ You wakin' up yawnin' to the sound
ofyour alarm clock alarmin' ♪

♪ About an hour from now you should be
at your place of employment ♪

♪ Which is annoyin' 'cause it's so borin'
Your coworkers been talkin' ♪

Hey, don't come back
in a dress, man!

[ Chuckles ]
You big fag!

♪ You wonder why your workload
is so enormous ♪

♪ 'Cause your boss just laid off
three-quarters of the whole office ♪

♪ People get depressed
They get ulcers ♪

♪ From the stress that
the corporate environment causes ♪

♪ Regardless of how you
uItimately wanna soIve this ♪

♪ Seems to me like you got
one of four choices ♪

♪ You could take a newjob offer
for more tips ♪

♪ Stick it out a little longer
or forfeit ♪

♪ But my advice to anybody
who wants to quit ♪

I'm working at Hooters now,
and it's very cool.

♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪

- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪
- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪

♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪

♪ I ain't workin' here
no more ♪

♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪

- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪
- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪

♪ Take this job
Take this job ♪

- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
- ♪ Yo ♪

♪ Ifyour boss is an S.O.B. ♪

♪ Tell him to S-H-O-V-E
the J-O-B ♪

♪ Put your middle finger
up slowly ♪

♪ Put it close enough to his face
so he can examine it closely ♪

♪ Say "I ain't workin' here
no more ♪

♪ Who do you think you are?" ♪

♪ Rip the apron off
Throw it on the floor ♪

♪ Run to the door to the pay phone
Make a toll-free call ♪

♪ Tell your spouse what happened
and where you are ♪

♪ So they can come to get you
in the car later on ♪

♪ And help you search for
a new 9:00-to-5:00 job ♪

♪ Ifthe unemployment line
ain't that long ♪

♪ You can take your time
fillin' out W-9 forms ♪

♪ Eventually you'll get on
ifyou try hard enough ♪

♪ And you'll get money ifyou keep punchin'
your time card enough ♪

♪ Maybe you hate it
Maybe you love it ♪

♪ But ifyou hate it all you gotta do
is get mad and tell your boSS to ♪

♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪

- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪
- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪

♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪

♪ I ain't workin' here
no more ♪

♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪

- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪
- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪

♪ Take this job
Take this job ♪

- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
- ♪ Yo ♪

♪ Some occupations
are like slave gigs ♪

♪ The boss's favorite'll get placed in
somethin' spacious ♪

♪ While the most hated get placed in
some small cubicle spaces ♪

♪ Or get thrown
down in the basement ♪

♪ Get your stapler confiscated ♪

♪ You constantly waitin'
for a paycheck ♪

♪ TweIve months pass by
and you still ain't get paid yet ♪

♪ Here's an optimistic motto ♪

♪ Ifyou ever late for today
you can say you early for tomorrow ♪

♪ Most 9:00-to-5:00s are hard ♪

♪ 'Cause the descriprion of the job
ain't no picnic in the park ♪

♪ Peple get hired
Drink coffee to stay wired ♪

♪ So they don't get tired
sleep late and get fired ♪

♪ You came in late
You already ate ♪

♪ Now you wanna
take a lunch break ♪

♪ Hey, yo, bust it
Ain't no nEED to discuss it ♪

♪Just take this job and shove it
right between your buttocks ♪

♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪

- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪
- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪

♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪

♪ I ain't workin' here
no more ♪

♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪

- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪
- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪

♪ Take this job
Take this job ♪

- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪
- [ Lumbergh ] Mmm. Yeah.

♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪

- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪
- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪

♪ I, I, I, I, I-I-I-I ♪

♪ I ain't workin' here
no more ♪

♪ Take this job
and shove it ♪

- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪
- ♪ Take this job and shove it ♪

♪ I-I, I-I-I ♪

- ♪ I ain't workin' here no more ♪
- [ Lumbergh ] Mmm. Yeah.

♪ Ahh-ahh, ah-ah-ahh ♪

♪ Canibus and the Biz ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh, ah-ah-ahh ♪

♪ It's comin' from
Canibus and the Biz ♪

♪ What, what
What ♪

♪ It's comin' from
Canibus and the Biz ♪

- ♪ Ahhh, ahhh ♪
- ♪ From ♪

♪ From Canibus and the ♪