Original subtitles

[chime]

[theme music]

Energy drink?

Give me another.

I've not slept.

Good night?

Not really.

Gary cheated on me last night.

- What? - You sure?

Yep. I saw it.

Who with?

- Bit Emma. - Right.

I mean how big is she?

There.

Double J the surgeon said.

MEG: Where?

Right in front of me in his flat.

I just come in from your place.

And there he was just banging her against the wall.

Then big Emma turns round, looks me in the eyes and says,

you're a mackerel. - You're a what now?

Come again?

Yeah, and then, the fingers turn

into tiny into tiny little wooden chippy forks and start

eating your head on Benton Cliff.

Cliff. - Right.

Was this a dream? - Yeah.

He dreamed cheated?

Yeah.

OK, that's not a thing.

It is a thing.

It's a big thing.

OK, sorry.

So you think because you had a dream that he cheated on you

that you did cheat on you?

Yeah.

And what was crazy about it is he thinks

he's getting away with it.

Yeah, that's not what's crazy about this.

It was just a dream.

I dream about having sex with people all the time.

We all know that never happens.

I just can't trust him now, not after what he's done.

But, darling, it doesn't mean he's cheated on you.

Thank you.

Yet. It's a premonition.

It means he's about to.

Give us another.

I'm not sleeping again till it's decided.

Oh, yeah, BTW, you know I'm not

allowed to stay at mum and dads anymore when they're

way after fish tank gate.

Yeah, one job.

Yeah, well, they buggered off again.

So can I sleep at yours?

Yeah, sure Mark won't mind.

Oh, and he's working in the day so we can have single Saturday.

Oh, yes.

Sat bastards.

Right.

Somethings not working here, not for me, you lot like this.

Ahem.

Energy drink, sir?

- I'm a woman. - Well that was confusing.

You know look like one.

Free drink?

Ah, smiles cost nothing.

Neither does oral hygiene Malcolm, but we don't say it.

Ah, Meg, every time they get a flyer.

No one wants the flyer, Malcolm.

They're barely interested in the drink.

I couldn't give a frig, Meg.

Well, maybe you should.

This whole situation is a waste of life.

Well, look, I don't want to have to say this.

But the truth is, Meg, your presentational standards

have slipped.

These two are very um on message.

And, you're not even wearing any makeup.

So?

Well, promotions is a dog-eat-dog world, Meg.

And this dog here--

You calling me a dog?

Well, there are improvements to be made, Meg.

I mean, would it kill you to wear a padded bra for instance.

Right. That is it.

Shove it up your ass-- - Oh.

Malcolm. All of it.

I am out of here.

Do not call me with any more shifts.

I quit.

Oh, hang about Meg, it's-- ah--

- Go Meg. - Meg.

[music playing]

What are you doing here?

Mark let me in.

We've just finished a delivery.

Oh, hi Meg.

Please stop employing my ex-boyfriend.

It's weird. - What?

Weirder than still living together?

Which is only marginally better than being homeless.

Mark.

OH, sorry.

Safe distance.

So Meg, why did you quit?

Oh, thanks, Mark.

It wasn't Mark.

Listen, just told my boss to shove job

up his ass hashtag unemployed.

You're on Twitter? So not replied yet?

No I'm replying now. @MeganKezic101.

What the hell were you thinking?

Hashtag rent.

The job is demeaning, Dad.

Yeah, nobody likes working Meg.

Yeah, they do.

Loads of people do.

Obama loves his job.

He said so in an interview.

Don't you think you should set your sights slightly lower

than leader of the free world?

I am trying, Dad.

I sent off like 10 CVs last week.

Two of the places have gone into liquidation but still--

Do you want these in the van da--

Frank?

Yeah, thanks Mark.

Thank you.

[whistling]

What a good lad.

You know, I do want to help you.

Thanks.

I should need like 500 quid or something.

No, not with money, with the business.

I just think I'm quarry material, Dad.

I'm a bit too--

Inept?

Creative is what I was going to say.

Maybe if I got desperate.

That is why I would like to apply for the position

of quarry manager.

And obviously it doesn't end with dad.

Hm.

Oh, and the skills, which I have include massage.

OK, we'll move on.

Where do you see yourself in five years' time?

Probably central London, Notting Hill

looks nice hopefully living with my fit fiance or husband.

He's a musician or an architect, townhouse, Argo, labrodoodle.

I'm just brainstorming now.

I'm literally just riffing.

I'm releasing my second children's poetry anthology.

[music playing]

Bye.

Sorry again.

[phone rings]

Unknown.

Hey, it might be the quarry.

Put is on the speaker phone.

Hello. GABBY (ON PHONE): Oh, Hi.

Is that Megan Kezic?

Speaking,

GABBY (ON PHONE): It's Gabby calling

from Pennine Hits Radio.

Oh, yes, I won the festival tickets?

GABBY (ON PHONE): Ah, no, we received

a job application from you.

Really?

Oh, yeah, I remember.

GABBY (ON PHONE): So we've got a position on our breakfast show.

And judging by your CV with all your experience,

you should find it pretty easy.

My experience in radio, yeah.

Hm.

OK.

Brilliant.

See you there.

I've got a job at a radio station.

Yeah, you lied on your CV didn't you?

Maybe a bit.

I know you should be honest but--

You shouldn't be, Meg.

GABBY (ON PHONE): Still here.

Hang up Megan.

Oh, sorry, I'm very clumsy yet employable.

OK, hanging up now.

Bye.

[music playing]

So big news, Laura.

Why are you in your pajamas?

Are you gaining?

No, I take it all back.

Dreams can come true.

Hi Gary. It's me.

Just at Meg's.

Just wondering if I could ask you a quick question.

Do you think I'm fucking stupid?

I know you're shagging big Emma.

Here's an idea.

why don't you cut your own dick off to save me coming round

and have to do it meself.

Call me back when you get this message.

Bye.

So what's all this then?

Well, the reason I'm in my pajamas

is because I have to go to bed.

Because I'm getting up at 5:00 AM because--

She got a job at a radio station.

Oh, thanks, Bunny.

I was quite looking forward to breaking that myself.

That's amazing.

Oh, ho, ho.

OK, time out, Mark.

MARK: Just going go to my room and watch some women's tennis.

It's weird because it sounds like porn.

But it's not.

So, do you think you'll be like one of those trendies

now that you've got a job in the media.

She already has a mustache.

Bunny.

Well, you promised me that we could have single Saturday.

And now you're abandoning me just

like mummy and pop pop have.

Look, you'll be fine.

I'll be back by lunchtime.

Last time you left on her on her own,

she hid in the bathroom all day.

I thought the bin men were an earthquake.

You can still have single Saturday.

I do it all the time.

I love being on my own.

Everyone loves you being on your own.

It's class.

No one round to have a go at you if I'm having a crisp sandwich

or making prank calls or spitting on the floor.

Or I like to have a long soak and watch some "Wallander."

Oh, ya, you're still single.

Yeah, you're right actually.

It's about time that I've focused on me.

I never do that.

Well, if you get bored, you can tidy up.

I'm off to bed.

Listen out for me in the morning,

109.2 Pa, pa, pa, Pennine Hits.

What time should I meet you back here?

- Midday? - Yeah, but what time?

Midday.

BUNNY: Can you be a bit more specific?

At 12:00, 1:00, 2:00?

Midday is 12:00.

Oh, is it?

I just thought it was a general middle of the day.

Good luck out there.

Toilets are there.

Just follow your nose.

Archives, not that there's anything worth keeping.

Meeting room mostly where people get fired.

Kitchen and the studio where DJ's dreams of national radio

go to die.

But don't tell them I said that.

Bunzer at breakfast.

You're listening to Bunzer at Breakfast with me

DJ Paul Cunningham and the LOL Squad.

Wa-hey.

Anyway, our intern Gemma made the schoolgirl error

of leaving a diary in the studio when

she went out to make us a brew.

Here's what happened.

Let's see what Gemma's been up to this week,

swimming, dentist, no, boring.

Oh, Saturday.

What's she up to this afternoon, STD Clinic.

LOL SQUAD: Oh.

DJ PAUL: She's coming back in.

All right, Gemma.

GEMMA: Yeah?

DJ PAUL: So, doing anything after work?

Is she OK?

Probably not, no.

I'll introduce you to the lads.

Just ignore everything they say and do.

Lads, this is Meg.

She'll be joining the ground crew.

Hi.

Hey.

OK.

[music playing]

Ah, Meg?

Yes?

Just out of interest, are you on the pill?

Oh, funny.

Oh, don't worry about them.

You won't be working in the studio anyway.

Oh, right.

Is it a bit more officey then?

I'm happy to make teas.

I'm happy to do anything.

Careful saying that around here.

Here is your costume.

Costume?

Oh, right, so I could work cam feature.

Well, your CVs aid you'd done stuff like this before.

Here are your fliers.

The other intern, Liz is waiting for you on Gray George Street.

Oh, right, I see.

Everything OK?

Mm-hm.

Any questions?

Do I discuss pay with you?

No, you're an intern.

You weren't expecting to get paid for this, were you?

No, this is great.

Good.

[music - pennine radio theme] From Bingley to Groundhog,

Headingley to Halifax, Cross the F and the cards are a valley.

109.2

Brilliant.

[music - pennine radio theme] Pennine Hits.

- There you are. - How did you get in here?

I told them it was an emergency.

Why, what's happened?

Gary still hasn't replied.

And I've upped the ante.

I've been sending sexts and still nothing.

Right.

This is not an emergency, Laura.

You have to leave now. - Ah.

He never ignores sexts.

It's a foolproof way of getting his attention,

which means I'm right.

He's at it with big Emma.

Think I should go round? - No

I should go round, just look dead out, shouldn't I?

No.

I'll just break in and catch him at it.

What a great idea.

You're a genius.

Thanks Meg.

[music playing]

Oh, hi.

I'm Meg.

I'm the new intern.

[music playing]

(SINGING) How low are we?

The [inaudible] must cry.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

How low are we?

The [inaudible] must cry.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[sirens]

Bye then, sorry again about overreacting.

I might do that again actually.

Turds.

Double turds.

Pennine Hits.

Thanks.

I mean I'm not always a banana.

Some days the station wants you to do other stuff.

One day you can be unblocking a studio toilet.

But then, once I carried a mini fridge nine miles

to competition winner's house.

So it's highs and lows.

Yeah, that sounds like lows and lows, Liz.

What, you've got to realize is we're lucky to be

bananas in this day and age.

There are loads of people trying to get their foot

in the door in radio.

I'm playing the long game.

Gonna be in the LOL Squad.

When a studio position comes up, do

you think they're going to have someone from outside

or just simply going to go for Liz who's got 12 months

work experience at the station.

You've been an intern for 12 months?

Yes, indeedy.

Don't be intimidated though.

You'll get the hang of it eventually.

It's not hard is it?

Well, you might not think so.

But what we're doing here is communicating the brand.

That's what makes us so valuable.

[music playing]

Hey banana brick, can I have a milkshake?

That doesn't even make sense.

It does to me.

Great.

[music playing]

Nearly midday.

I just don't think I can handle it anymore.

GABBY: No I-- GEMMA: I'm sorry.

GABBY: Totally understand if you want to leave.

Or we can swap you over onto ground crew.

Do you want to go back to being a banana?

Yes, anything.

I'll swap with you.

Really?

Do you mind if I just have a quick word

with Megan for a sec?

OK.

You do realize what you're letting yourself in for.

I know.

But I'd really like a shot.

I should really offer it to Liz, who you were with today.

No, she loves being a banana.

She told me.

Hm.

We've have struggled with her.

You do know what they do to interns in there?

I can handle it.

You can't shock me.

[music playing]

All right, come on.

Dad, it's me.

You'll never guess what.

Meg.

How'd it go?

Just thought I'd wait out here so I could greet you properly.

You've locked yourself out, haven't you?

God, you're good.

So how was single Saturday?

Bloody hell, Bunny.

Looks like landfill in here.

What's that smell?

Have you had friends round?

Ah no, yes, no.

I don't know what the right answer is.

The honest answer.

OK, ah, don't be cross.

Some firemen came.

[music playing]

GARY: You're getting faster.

Yeah, so have you. bad shot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nearly, nearly.

Take it.

What's doing?

Fucking L. Jesus, you scared me then.

I thought someone had broken in.

LAURA: I did. GARY: Why?

You've got a key.

To catch you cheatin' on me.

What?

I've just been doing this.

You've not replied to my messages for 24 hours.

Me phone's dead.

I'm in the middle of commanding a battle, Laura.

Sorry, Elvin 1 commence forward attack.

Thank God.

Not that I would have bothered.

Maybe be should shag and make up.

Just give me a couple of hours.

Well, we'll see about that.

Well, I'm going to switch to explosive arrows.

- Hey? - Not you.

Move to [inaudible].

Paul, your call.

Let's nail this guild.

Laura, in an instant.

Lead the dogs round.

Let's just burn through this.

I'm not happy with that strategy, Bloodknocks.

That's quite a lot of blood guys.

OK, 20 mil HP.

Laura, please, can you stop it.

I'm in battle here.

So, do both.

We're at 38% shit.

Gary, what's wrong with your willy?

It's just weird.

I've got 10-year-old boys shouting battle commands in me

ear.

Newsflash Gary.

I'm not going to want to suck the dick

of a man who plays games with kids on the internet for much

longer.

Make your choice.

I can't let the Guild down, Laura.

[music playing]

I'm sorry, Meg.

I-- I'll make it up to you. I promise.

I just got bored and wanted an Afro.

I don't know how you can get bored.

There's so much stuff to do, so much information

you don't know yet.

Oh, why you don't you try and do something, something creative.

You used to love making things.

Gary's test says, completed the level.

I can come round.

Well, don't go, obviously.

Are you going to go?

Yeah.

So, you [inaudible] in that.

I can't believe you're in the LOL Squad.

So undeserved.

LAURA: What are they like?

Oh, we're just like one big family.

[females singing] 109.2.

Here we go then.

[females singing] Pennine Hits.

DJ PAUL: Hello, well we got John from Hallis.

Hello, John, you happy with the tickets?

JOHN (ON PHONE): Can't believe it.

Thanks lads and thanks intern Meg.

You're welcome, John.

JOHN (ON PHONE): What's she look like, lads?

You want to know what Meg looks like, do you John?

JOHN (ON PHONE): I do, yeah, yeah.

Well, she's tall.

You're tall aren't you Meg?

Yeah.

And gangley with it apart from the J-Lo

booty is that fair to say?

She's laughing.

She's quite goofy, John.

Nice eyes but it's not a small nose, is it Meg?

No.

DJ PAUL: Good nose for radio, I think it's fair to say.

JOHN (ON PHONE): Bunzer

Bunzer.

Thanks John.

Here's JLS.

That was great, Meg, make major love.

You don't mind us saying what you look, do you?

I wouldn't do it if I didn't think you were a six.

Six lads?

Oh, yeah.

You're a six.

Thanks.

And we've had some twos and threes as interns before.

We did have an eight once.

But she didn't last long.

It's awkward the morning after if you know what I mean?

Happy to join in again after this?

I think you're doing a really great job.

Oh, thank you. Bunzer for breakfast.

DJ PAUL: Welcome back.

You're listening to Bunzer at breakfast

on 109.2, Pennine Hits.

I'm Paul Cunningham, the LOL Squad

are with me in the studio.

LOL SQUAD: Wa-hey.

Intern Intern Meg is with us this morning.

Hi-- hello, hi.

Oh my God.

They're talking to her, our Meg, on the radio.

Yeah, yeah, sh.

DJ PAUL: Thanks for your tweets, texts, and emails this morning.

Keep them coming in.

But now it's time for That's Awkward.

Oops.

TECHNO VOICEOVER: That's Awkward.

That's right.

It's time for us to read out your messages describing

your most awkward moments.

We'll pick a winner.

And those United season tickets could be yours.

LOL Squad are you ready?

LOL SQUAD: Wa-hey.

Intern Meg, are you ready?

Yes.

Sarah T. W. from Bingley, I was halfway through an argument

with my boyf when I realized I was wrong

but carried on anyway.

[chime]

What?

And Nell, from Linton.

I was gossiping, telling a story to someone, when I realized

it was actually about them.

[chime]

Awkward.

LOL SQUAD 1: John84 on Twitter, I texted my girlfriend

saying she was sexy.

And then I realized I sent it to my mum.

Awkward.

Meg?

Quickly, what you got?

Give us one, so to speak.

[chime]

Awkward.

Um, ah, I was once at my parents' house

and I walked in on my dad licking out my mum.

That must've been in my 50th.

On behalf of Pennine Hits Radio

I would like to apologize to all our listeners

for the irresponsible and inappropriate content

of the program just now.

Just to reassure listeners that the person responsible,

Megan Kezic, will no longer be working for the station.

Oh.

Do you want me in the room where you fire people?

Just go.

[music playing]

All right, biscuit anyone?

Hi Meg.

How was it?

A shit storm.

Wow, you've cleaned.

I told you I'd make it up to you.

But that's not all.

I took your advice.

And I decided to do something creative with my day.

So, as a kind of a sorry and a thank you.

[music playing]

You're welcome.

[music playing]

LAURA: Oh, oh, ah, ah.

Oh.

Mm.

Ah.

Well, that is ah-- really quite nice Laura.

Oh, wow.

Thank you.

[snoring]

Hoo.

Dreams aren't real.

Dreams aren't real.

[music playing]

Ah, that's better.

Thank you.

I appreciate you wearing makeup and hope you understand

that it's all part of the job.

Yes.

Welcome back.

I accept you drew the line at a padded bra.

And that is your prerogative.

I'm wearing a padded bra.

Oh.

- Hi. - Hi.

Good night was it?

[music playing]

What a princess.

I don't want to talk about it.

[music playing]

[chime]