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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,746 --> 00:00:07,747
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,101 --> 00:00:11,418
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,631 --> 00:00:14,421
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,878 --> 00:00:17,766
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,177 --> 00:00:21,311
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,471 --> 00:00:23,065
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,076 --> 00:00:24,854
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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- Hey, Meg, what's up?
- [GASPS]
11
00:00:37,159 --> 00:00:39,368
A cool kid said, "what's up?"
12
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Oh, it was just a dream.
13
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[GASPS] Goldy, no!
14
00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:53,393
Ugh. Fifth one this week.
15
00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:58,077
Oh, my God! Mr. Clompers.
16
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[GRUNTS]
17
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Stay with me, Mr. Clompers.
18
00:01:01,721 --> 00:01:02,752
[EXHALES]
19
00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:05,805
Stay with me, you
son of a bitch. [EXHALES]
20
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,108
[NEIGHS]
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Oh, there's only one way
to turn this day around.
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Crouch behind a dumpster
in the back of Quiznos
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and wait for the half-eaten
subs to be thrown out.
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Yep, looks like things are
finally starting to turn around
25
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for the meg-a-rino.
26
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Hey, what are you doing?
27
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I'm not a dumpster. Put me down.
28
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Aah!
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- Man, this job sucks.
- I don't know.
30
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Ladies running with
trash bags and no bras on
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is pretty cool sometimes.
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- [RUNNING FOOTFALLS]
- [WOMAN] Wait.
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Right on cue.
34
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And now the mind creates
scenarios and so forth.
35
00:01:47,069 --> 00:01:49,027
Hey, what are you doing home from work?
36
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Ah, some sicko called in a bomb scare.
37
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Then they confiscated everyone's phones
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and I was told to take the day off.
39
00:01:54,627 --> 00:01:56,461
Peter, did you call in the bomb scare?
40
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God, you sound just like them.
41
00:01:58,348 --> 00:02:00,140
For the last time, maybe.
42
00:02:00,274 --> 00:02:02,107
Well, since you're home, you can watch
43
00:02:02,118 --> 00:02:03,928
my daytime shows with me.
44
00:02:03,939 --> 00:02:06,035
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Hello.
45
00:02:06,046 --> 00:02:07,545
There's a bomb in the TV.
46
00:02:07,556 --> 00:02:09,264
Leave the remote and exit the room.
47
00:02:09,714 --> 00:02:12,381
Nice try, but we're watching The View.
48
00:02:12,392 --> 00:02:13,766
Welcome to The View.
49
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Today we're talking about mansplaining.
50
00:02:16,154 --> 00:02:17,848
Meghan McCain, you go first.
51
00:02:17,859 --> 00:02:19,442
I thought Meghan McCain quit.
52
00:02:19,453 --> 00:02:21,389
Oh, yes, she did. They replaced her
53
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:24,151
with a dozen feral cats
in a quinceañera dress,
54
00:02:24,162 --> 00:02:25,537
and no one can tell the difference.
55
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[CATS MEWLING, SCREECHING]
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The cats have an important dead dad,
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so we got to hear 'em out.
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00:02:33,391 --> 00:02:35,349
[ANNOUNCER] It's
the Kelly Clarkson show.
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00:02:35,627 --> 00:02:37,150
She's got a show now?
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00:02:37,161 --> 00:02:39,035
Yes, and she's actually very funny,
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if you're a woman who
claps when the plane lands.
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00:02:41,558 --> 00:02:44,267
Give me that thing. Aren't
there any daytime TV shows
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00:02:44,385 --> 00:02:45,426
hosted by men?
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00:02:45,437 --> 00:02:47,002
Peter, are you kidding me?
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00:02:47,013 --> 00:02:49,472
Conversations between men are boring.
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00:02:49,483 --> 00:02:51,400
I've heard what you
and the guys talk about.
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00:02:51,459 --> 00:02:52,708
Me and the guys would be great
68
00:02:52,894 --> 00:02:54,018
at hosting one of these shows.
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00:02:54,118 --> 00:02:55,951
We talk about interesting
stuff all the time.
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00:02:56,064 --> 00:02:57,730
Just this past weekend,
we were talking about
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00:02:57,741 --> 00:02:59,825
how a lot of people don't
know which one is Chip
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00:02:59,836 --> 00:03:02,170
and which one is Dale. Well,
it's actually very simple.
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00:03:02,262 --> 00:03:04,941
Chip's nose is black,
and Dale's nose is red.
74
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,854
And if you need help remembering,
you say "chocolate chip."
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00:03:07,865 --> 00:03:09,237
The chipmunks were
easier because they had
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00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,563
big letters on their shirts.
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00:03:10,828 --> 00:03:12,745
- But that's Tuesday's show.
- Oh, please.
78
00:03:13,146 --> 00:03:15,155
All men run out of things
to say to each other
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00:03:15,166 --> 00:03:16,773
- after 20 minutes.
- Oh, yeah?
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00:03:16,784 --> 00:03:18,367
Well, if guys are so bad at talking,
81
00:03:18,378 --> 00:03:20,086
how come Regis Philbin is still yapping?
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00:03:20,451 --> 00:03:22,784
[REGIS] So Joy hands
me a box, and I open it,
83
00:03:22,795 --> 00:03:25,629
and it's the same darn
sweater from last Christmas!
84
00:03:25,718 --> 00:03:27,301
Can you believe that? Coming up,
85
00:03:27,312 --> 00:03:28,603
Angel's David Boreanaz.
86
00:03:28,944 --> 00:03:31,470
Look at Kathie Lee.
She's fanning herself.
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00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,389
Whoa, Meg, what happened to you?
88
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,599
Yo, I straight-up thought that
was Post Malone for a hot second.
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00:03:42,610 --> 00:03:44,819
I just had the worst day of my life.
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00:03:45,021 --> 00:03:47,521
Now, if you don't mind, I'm
gonna bake cookies from scratch
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00:03:47,532 --> 00:03:49,490
and eat them until I puke.
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00:03:49,534 --> 00:03:51,434
Meg, I think what
you're going through are
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00:03:51,445 --> 00:03:52,949
typical teenage emotions.
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00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,320
Trust me, everything will
change when you go to college.
95
00:03:55,331 --> 00:03:57,623
Speaking of, guess who got a letter
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00:03:57,750 --> 00:04:00,501
from the University
of Rhode Island today.
97
00:04:00,723 --> 00:04:01,848
Wait, what?
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00:04:01,859 --> 00:04:04,454
And it came in a big envelope.
99
00:04:04,465 --> 00:04:06,340
You know what that means.
100
00:04:06,351 --> 00:04:08,018
Finally some good news.
101
00:04:08,261 --> 00:04:09,510
"From the office of admissions
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00:04:09,595 --> 00:04:11,137
at the University of Rhode Island."
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00:04:11,264 --> 00:04:12,847
Wow, so official.
104
00:04:13,145 --> 00:04:16,091
"Hey, sorry, we ran
out of small envelopes.
105
00:04:16,102 --> 00:04:18,227
You didn't get in."
106
00:04:18,238 --> 00:04:21,448
[CRYING]
107
00:04:22,303 --> 00:04:23,612
Meg, I'm so sorry.
108
00:04:23,623 --> 00:04:27,737
I just have to accept
it, I'll never be happy.
109
00:04:27,748 --> 00:04:29,873
[SOBBING]
110
00:04:34,020 --> 00:04:36,937
A talk show for men?
That's a great idea.
111
00:04:36,948 --> 00:04:38,739
Yeah. Imagine getting
paid to talk about stuff
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00:04:38,750 --> 00:04:40,624
we already talk about around this table.
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00:04:40,902 --> 00:04:43,493
Hey, that could be the
title. Bar Table Talk.
114
00:04:43,678 --> 00:04:44,886
Oh, guys, check it out.
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00:04:44,897 --> 00:04:46,922
Tom Tucker's wasted at the bar again.
116
00:04:47,233 --> 00:04:48,540
Put on Channel Six.
117
00:04:48,551 --> 00:04:52,094
I-I want to see what Doppler
those DINKs are working with.
118
00:04:52,180 --> 00:04:54,245
A 3000?! Ha!
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00:04:54,256 --> 00:04:57,299
What, are they telling
us the weather in 2004?
120
00:04:57,310 --> 00:04:58,809
Hey, fellas, I'll be right back.
121
00:04:58,969 --> 00:05:01,511
Boy, it's fun to fantasize
about having a talk show.
122
00:05:01,712 --> 00:05:03,629
But, sadly, that's all it's gonna be,
123
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:05,640
'cause ain't nobody putting four guys
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00:05:05,651 --> 00:05:08,736
- with zero experience on TV.
- Yeah, you're right.
125
00:05:08,979 --> 00:05:11,249
Start thinking of warm
to hot topics, fellas.
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00:05:11,260 --> 00:05:12,364
What are you talking about?
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00:05:12,375 --> 00:05:14,294
I just spoke to Tom Tucker.
128
00:05:14,305 --> 00:05:16,197
A few months ago I did him a big favor,
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00:05:16,208 --> 00:05:18,625
and he said if there's anything
he could ever do for me,
130
00:05:18,636 --> 00:05:20,781
just ask, so I just asked.
131
00:05:20,792 --> 00:05:22,296
And he said yes.
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00:05:22,307 --> 00:05:25,535
Gentlemen, say hello
to the hosts of your new
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Channel Five daytime talk show.
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00:05:27,289 --> 00:05:28,872
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
135
00:05:28,883 --> 00:05:30,618
This is awesome. Wait, Joe,
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00:05:30,629 --> 00:05:32,546
what was the favor
you did for tom tucker?
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00:05:32,557 --> 00:05:34,974
I mustache-sat for
him over the holidays.
138
00:05:36,227 --> 00:05:38,747
We said Rise of Gru and then bed.
139
00:05:38,758 --> 00:05:40,967
That was the deal we made.
140
00:05:41,052 --> 00:05:42,385
[MUSTACHE SQUEAKS PETULANTLY]
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00:05:42,396 --> 00:05:43,971
I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
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00:05:43,982 --> 00:05:45,918
I'm having a hard time, too.
143
00:05:49,561 --> 00:05:51,584
Hey, what the heck are you guys doing?
144
00:05:51,595 --> 00:05:53,053
Those are my cookies.
145
00:05:53,064 --> 00:05:55,315
Meg, these are literally
the best cookies
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00:05:55,326 --> 00:05:56,635
I've ever had in my life.
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00:05:56,948 --> 00:05:58,603
Yeah, they're incredible.
148
00:05:58,614 --> 00:05:59,910
Did you switch up the recipe?
149
00:05:59,921 --> 00:06:01,462
No, I don't think so.
150
00:06:01,473 --> 00:06:03,372
So good, Meg. I'd have another,
151
00:06:03,383 --> 00:06:05,883
but I got to see Dean
later. Dean's my trainer.
152
00:06:05,969 --> 00:06:07,760
Guy kicks my freakin' ass.
153
00:06:07,953 --> 00:06:09,411
You must have done something different.
154
00:06:09,422 --> 00:06:10,838
These are fantastic.
155
00:06:11,112 --> 00:06:12,465
Hmm.
156
00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:15,759
I think my tears falling into the batter
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00:06:15,770 --> 00:06:17,895
must have made these
cookies taste different.
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00:06:17,906 --> 00:06:20,323
Not different, delicious.
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00:06:20,661 --> 00:06:24,101
Last week, Dean was saying I'm
the most ripped guy he trains.
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00:06:24,270 --> 00:06:25,510
Off the record, of course.
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00:06:25,521 --> 00:06:27,664
Meg, I think this could
be the start of a business.
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00:06:27,675 --> 00:06:29,860
People would pay a premium
for cookies this good.
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00:06:29,871 --> 00:06:33,235
Really? Oh, a business is a lot of work.
164
00:06:33,246 --> 00:06:37,142
Unless maybe... You
guys want to help out?
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00:06:37,153 --> 00:06:39,028
- I'd be happy to.
- I'll do it.
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00:06:39,044 --> 00:06:41,484
So Monday, Wednesday and
Fridays are Dean days.
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00:06:41,495 --> 00:06:44,413
Other than that, I'm down.
I'm in ketosis, by the way.
168
00:06:44,424 --> 00:06:45,882
This is exciting, you guys.
169
00:06:46,009 --> 00:06:48,760
We just have to find a way to get
the word out about these cookies.
170
00:06:48,804 --> 00:06:50,679
I don't think we'll
have to worry about that.
171
00:06:50,690 --> 00:06:52,815
I just got an email
back from the one show
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00:06:52,974 --> 00:06:56,267
that'll put our product in
front of the entire country.
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00:06:56,278 --> 00:06:58,445
Long hallway shark tank.
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00:06:58,646 --> 00:06:59,854
♪ ♪
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00:07:00,055 --> 00:07:02,112
[ANNOUNCER] First up,
Meg Griffin and family
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00:07:02,123 --> 00:07:05,875
with a new twist on a popular snack.
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00:07:09,908 --> 00:07:11,908
♪ ♪
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00:07:27,383 --> 00:07:29,342
♪ ♪
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00:07:35,716 --> 00:07:37,508
Hello, Sharks. I'm here to...
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00:07:45,852 --> 00:07:47,810
We have so many new cookie orders.
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00:07:47,895 --> 00:07:50,030
Which means we've got
a lot of baking to do.
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00:07:50,041 --> 00:07:52,231
- Let's get going.
- Sorry, if I'm in a busy kitchen,
183
00:07:52,242 --> 00:07:54,992
I'm gonna have to scream at
someone Gordon Ramsay style.
184
00:07:56,118 --> 00:07:58,646
A raw egg? You're gonna kill someone!
185
00:07:58,657 --> 00:08:00,399
20 years of being in the business,
186
00:08:00,410 --> 00:08:03,160
and you're the biggest
buffoon I've ever met.
187
00:08:03,171 --> 00:08:05,035
Now let's step outside,
where I'll speak to you
188
00:08:05,046 --> 00:08:06,754
in an entirely different tone.
189
00:08:07,277 --> 00:08:09,215
What's going on with you? Tell me.
190
00:08:09,226 --> 00:08:10,605
I don't, I don't know.
191
00:08:10,945 --> 00:08:12,468
You're overwhelmed trying to live up
192
00:08:12,711 --> 00:08:14,461
to your father's
expectations, aren't you?
193
00:08:14,685 --> 00:08:16,212
Yeah, I guess.
194
00:08:16,223 --> 00:08:19,141
Listen, your father Nikos
was a proud Greek man
195
00:08:19,152 --> 00:08:22,195
who came to this country with
nothing but a baklava and a dream.
196
00:08:22,322 --> 00:08:24,281
But he's gone now, and
you have to accept that.
197
00:08:24,669 --> 00:08:27,441
Now, those people in there
need a leader, not a friend.
198
00:08:27,508 --> 00:08:30,427
- Understood?
- Yes. Thank you, Chef Ramsay.
199
00:08:30,438 --> 00:08:31,813
I have tremendous respect for you
200
00:08:32,207 --> 00:08:34,374
and what you do for people's businesses.
201
00:08:34,385 --> 00:08:35,908
Good. Now, just don't yelp
202
00:08:35,919 --> 00:08:37,201
any places from the show
203
00:08:37,212 --> 00:08:39,791
or eat at any of my
restaurants in Las Vegas.
204
00:08:43,362 --> 00:08:44,403
[PHONE CHIMES]
205
00:08:44,678 --> 00:08:45,885
Oh, from Peter.
206
00:08:46,013 --> 00:08:49,681
"Turn on Channel Five right now."
207
00:08:49,883 --> 00:08:53,009
[PETER] Welcome to the first
episode of Bar Table Talk.
208
00:08:53,020 --> 00:08:56,563
Finally, a show for
men by men. Football.
209
00:08:56,690 --> 00:08:58,648
[GROANS] You've got to be kidding me.
210
00:08:58,692 --> 00:09:00,442
Now check out our theme song called
211
00:09:00,610 --> 00:09:02,457
"Guys Just Want to Have Fun,"
212
00:09:02,468 --> 00:09:04,103
which is just each of us yelling "guys"
213
00:09:04,114 --> 00:09:05,409
over the parts where they sing "girls"
214
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:07,255
in "Girls Just Want to Have Fun."
215
00:09:07,266 --> 00:09:10,601
♪ When the working day is done ♪
216
00:09:10,620 --> 00:09:11,995
- ♪ Oh ♪
- Guys.
217
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,331
♪ They want to have fun ♪
218
00:09:14,458 --> 00:09:15,665
- ♪ Oh ♪
- Guys.
219
00:09:15,751 --> 00:09:18,126
- ♪ Just want to have... ♪
- Guys.
220
00:09:18,211 --> 00:09:22,005
♪ They want, want to have fun ♪
221
00:09:22,090 --> 00:09:24,226
- ♪ Girls... ♪
- Guys!
222
00:09:24,237 --> 00:09:26,374
- [PETER] Damn it, Joe.
- [JOE] This is why I wanted to use
223
00:09:26,385 --> 00:09:27,717
"The boys are back in town."
224
00:09:27,728 --> 00:09:29,452
But no!
225
00:09:32,467 --> 00:09:34,175
Welcome back. Now it's time for
226
00:09:34,186 --> 00:09:36,895
the clenched-buttocks
urinal-fart of the day,
227
00:09:37,022 --> 00:09:40,398
sent in by Gene Kozlowski
at imperial tool and dye
228
00:09:40,484 --> 00:09:41,900
in Kenosha, Wisconsin.
229
00:09:41,943 --> 00:09:43,193
Let her rip, Gene.
230
00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:45,278
[FARTING]
231
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,698
Ah.
232
00:09:48,771 --> 00:09:50,646
You just know that one had the power
233
00:09:50,827 --> 00:09:52,619
of a state fair sausage behind it.
234
00:09:53,035 --> 00:09:54,242
Impressive stuff.
235
00:09:54,411 --> 00:09:57,040
Coming up, all the people
from your wife's work
236
00:09:57,051 --> 00:10:00,344
she claims are horrible
who, surprise, aren't.
237
00:10:00,355 --> 00:10:01,952
Ugh, disgusting.
238
00:10:01,963 --> 00:10:03,588
I can't believe that's my husband.
239
00:10:03,715 --> 00:10:05,131
Although I shouldn't be surprised
240
00:10:05,142 --> 00:10:07,180
after what happened
on our wedding night.
241
00:10:07,191 --> 00:10:11,012
[CHUCKLES] Peter, are you ready?
242
00:10:11,214 --> 00:10:13,089
Sorry, I already masturbated.
243
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:14,484
There was a seashell
on top of the toilet
244
00:10:14,495 --> 00:10:16,161
that looked like a boob.
245
00:10:20,399 --> 00:10:21,616
Okay, lunch is over.
246
00:10:21,627 --> 00:10:23,382
We got more cookie
orders to take care of.
247
00:10:23,393 --> 00:10:26,736
All right, let's get our sister crying.
248
00:10:29,208 --> 00:10:32,037
♪ I was all right ♪
249
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:34,424
♪ For a while ♪
250
00:10:34,435 --> 00:10:39,227
♪ I could smile for a while ♪
251
00:10:39,341 --> 00:10:41,571
♪ But I saw you last night ♪
252
00:10:41,582 --> 00:10:44,214
♪ You held my hand so tight ♪
253
00:10:44,225 --> 00:10:48,352
♪ As you stopped to say hello ♪
254
00:10:49,226 --> 00:10:51,809
♪ Oh, you wished me well ♪
255
00:10:51,944 --> 00:10:55,362
♪ You couldn't tell ♪
256
00:10:55,373 --> 00:10:59,175
♪ That I'd been crying ♪
257
00:10:59,580 --> 00:11:01,914
♪ Over you ♪
258
00:11:01,972 --> 00:11:06,816
♪ Crying over you ♪
259
00:11:06,827 --> 00:11:09,288
♪ When you said "so long." ♪
260
00:11:11,473 --> 00:11:13,056
[PETER] And that's why The Eagles are
261
00:11:13,067 --> 00:11:15,610
the best yard work band of all time.
262
00:11:15,621 --> 00:11:17,468
[JOE] I'm sorry, are we in a world
263
00:11:17,479 --> 00:11:20,022
where the Steve Miller
band was never born?
264
00:11:20,033 --> 00:11:22,191
Oh, this show gets dumber by the second.
265
00:11:22,285 --> 00:11:23,784
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Just come in!
266
00:11:23,795 --> 00:11:26,754
Who even cares anymore? Oh, hi, Daddy.
267
00:11:26,914 --> 00:11:28,164
What are you doing here?
268
00:11:28,175 --> 00:11:31,218
Oh, I stopped by to... Oh,
no way. I love this show.
269
00:11:31,229 --> 00:11:32,598
Oh, is Meg around?
270
00:11:32,633 --> 00:11:34,495
- She's in the kitchen.
- Excellent.
271
00:11:34,506 --> 00:11:36,389
Well, aren't you gonna
ask how I'm doing?
272
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,697
Lois, I can see one,
two, three ant traps.
273
00:11:39,708 --> 00:11:43,042
I know how you're doing. Oh, four.
274
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:46,806
Oh, hey, carter.
275
00:11:46,817 --> 00:11:48,540
What are you doing here, grandpa?
276
00:11:48,552 --> 00:11:50,260
Word has gotten around
about your cookies,
277
00:11:50,271 --> 00:11:52,271
and I have a business
opportunity for you.
278
00:11:52,357 --> 00:11:54,398
I'm throwing a party for
my billionaire friends
279
00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:56,409
on Friday, and I'd like you to cater it.
280
00:11:56,420 --> 00:11:58,769
Oh, my God! We'd love to.
281
00:11:58,780 --> 00:12:00,529
Uh, Meg, maybe let a graduate
282
00:12:00,615 --> 00:12:03,491
of the Howard Schultz
masterclass handle this.
283
00:12:03,608 --> 00:12:05,525
I'm prepared to offer you 10,000...
284
00:12:05,536 --> 00:12:06,827
- We'll do it.
- ... pennies.
285
00:12:07,029 --> 00:12:09,488
10,000 pennies, or $100.
286
00:12:09,499 --> 00:12:11,082
Oh, dude, you blew it.
287
00:12:11,326 --> 00:12:14,035
Just kidding, I'm super
rich. I'll pay you 50 grand.
288
00:12:14,194 --> 00:12:17,445
Holy crap, $50,000!
289
00:12:17,456 --> 00:12:20,999
I'll need 500 bags of cookies.
All right, see you Friday.
290
00:12:21,126 --> 00:12:23,627
Ugh, I really don't want to have
to talk to your mother again.
291
00:12:23,638 --> 00:12:26,347
Guess I'll just AirPods it out.
292
00:12:26,548 --> 00:12:28,215
[LOIS] Bye, Daddy.
293
00:12:28,403 --> 00:12:30,133
I said bye, Daddy.
294
00:12:30,144 --> 00:12:31,857
[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]
295
00:12:34,973 --> 00:12:36,723
You guys, I just want to thank you
296
00:12:36,734 --> 00:12:38,859
for helping make my
cookies such a success.
297
00:12:39,060 --> 00:12:40,894
It really means a lot to me.
298
00:12:40,905 --> 00:12:42,405
And for the first time in my life,
299
00:12:42,635 --> 00:12:44,773
I'm finally feeling proud of myself
300
00:12:44,784 --> 00:12:46,409
and hopeful about my future.
301
00:12:46,652 --> 00:12:50,028
I think... I think I'm actually happy.
302
00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:52,358
Oh, that's great to hear, Meg.
303
00:12:52,369 --> 00:12:53,558
We're proud of you, too.
304
00:12:53,569 --> 00:12:57,279
Now we got cookies to
make. Give us those tears.
305
00:12:58,186 --> 00:12:59,201
[STRAINING]
306
00:13:03,528 --> 00:13:06,469
Oh, I know. Meg, when you were a baby,
307
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,188
you were left at a fire station.
308
00:13:08,272 --> 00:13:12,357
And those firemen left you
at another fire station.
309
00:13:13,748 --> 00:13:15,800
The only reason you had
a date for homecoming
310
00:13:15,811 --> 00:13:19,062
was because the guy got
community service hours for it.
311
00:13:20,381 --> 00:13:22,969
Oh, no. I can't cry.
312
00:13:22,980 --> 00:13:24,980
A-and when I hear about
my crappy old life,
313
00:13:24,991 --> 00:13:27,742
I just feel proud and
happy about where I am now.
314
00:13:27,934 --> 00:13:30,434
Uh-oh, no tears means no cookies.
315
00:13:30,445 --> 00:13:33,071
Which also means no cookie business.
316
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:36,844
Hi, I'm Jamie Lee Curtis,
and I heard someone here
317
00:13:36,855 --> 00:13:39,147
was having a problem
with feminine dryness.
318
00:13:39,158 --> 00:13:41,028
Oh, I-I think I'm all set.
319
00:13:41,039 --> 00:13:43,479
Have you tried Sliquid feminine wash,
320
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:46,034
the natural solution
to feminine dryness?
321
00:13:46,045 --> 00:13:47,718
Oh, no, no.
322
00:13:47,729 --> 00:13:50,388
I-I-I think we have
different problems, dawg.
323
00:13:50,399 --> 00:13:51,648
Well, I'd hear her out.
324
00:13:51,659 --> 00:13:54,310
Sliquid's the one feminine
wash that goes on dry
325
00:13:54,395 --> 00:13:55,770
and doesn't drip.
326
00:13:56,298 --> 00:13:58,013
Chris, are you selling intimacy products
327
00:13:58,024 --> 00:13:59,385
with Jamie Lee Curtis?
328
00:13:59,396 --> 00:14:02,559
Well, Stewie, I'd say
Sliquid sells itself.
329
00:14:02,570 --> 00:14:04,528
[CHRIS AND JAMIE LAUGH]
330
00:14:04,614 --> 00:14:07,023
It goes on dry?
331
00:14:12,938 --> 00:14:14,270
Meg, I don't want to alarm you,
332
00:14:14,281 --> 00:14:17,079
but if you can't cry,
we won't get the $50,000
333
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:18,546
from Carter for catering his party.
334
00:14:18,557 --> 00:14:19,868
I know, I'm sorry.
335
00:14:19,879 --> 00:14:22,421
It's just that, since the cookie
business became successful,
336
00:14:22,507 --> 00:14:23,912
I'm not sad anymore.
337
00:14:23,923 --> 00:14:25,964
Well, there goes my dream of becoming
338
00:14:26,050 --> 00:14:27,758
the next Otis Spunkmeyer.
339
00:14:27,889 --> 00:14:30,377
Your dream is to be Otis Spunkmeyer?
340
00:14:30,388 --> 00:14:34,098
I love a company that works a
dirty word for a bodily fluid
341
00:14:34,109 --> 00:14:35,150
into their name.
342
00:14:35,218 --> 00:14:37,427
Chris, that is absolutely disgusting.
343
00:14:37,565 --> 00:14:40,358
Hey, the way I see it, in this life,
344
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,258
ya gotta laugh.
345
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:47,810
God, he said "ya gotta
laugh" so many times,
346
00:14:47,821 --> 00:14:49,794
it started to feel like a threat.
347
00:14:49,805 --> 00:14:51,388
Why did we come to this again?
348
00:14:51,399 --> 00:14:53,625
Remember that kid I
hit with my mail truck?
349
00:14:53,636 --> 00:14:55,912
- That was the kid?
- That was the kid.
350
00:14:59,138 --> 00:15:02,149
Ladies, I'm at the end of
my rope with this damn show.
351
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:04,243
Peter's become impossible to live with.
352
00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:06,579
Yeah, Cleveland thinks he's fancy, too.
353
00:15:06,590 --> 00:15:08,840
You know, he's demanding pert plus now
354
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:10,541
instead of regular old pert.
355
00:15:10,626 --> 00:15:12,460
Joe's also gotten a big head lately.
356
00:15:12,629 --> 00:15:15,380
When he eats graham crackers
now, he totally ignores
357
00:15:15,507 --> 00:15:17,548
the suggested perforations.
358
00:15:17,559 --> 00:15:19,184
He's like a mad king.
359
00:15:19,311 --> 00:15:20,936
We've got to shut this show down.
360
00:15:21,053 --> 00:15:22,720
Oh, I don't know.
361
00:15:22,731 --> 00:15:24,856
Lois, have you heard what Peter said
362
00:15:24,984 --> 00:15:26,233
on yesterday's show?
363
00:15:26,744 --> 00:15:28,393
[PETER] And so I say, men,
364
00:15:28,404 --> 00:15:30,195
we deserve a second drawer.
365
00:15:30,355 --> 00:15:33,109
It should be four to
two, not five to one.
366
00:15:33,181 --> 00:15:34,513
[GASPS]
367
00:15:34,979 --> 00:15:39,535
Ladies, it's time to put
an end to their little show.
368
00:15:44,798 --> 00:15:46,714
Now, remember, when
they start talking about
369
00:15:46,725 --> 00:15:49,603
how awful women are, we storm the stage,
370
00:15:49,614 --> 00:15:50,743
call them out on it.
371
00:15:50,754 --> 00:15:54,873
And then we'll go viral and
the show will be canceled.
372
00:15:54,884 --> 00:15:56,644
Welcome to Bar Table Talk.
373
00:15:56,655 --> 00:15:58,121
Fellas, what's on your mind today?
374
00:15:58,132 --> 00:16:00,135
Is it me, or does it
seem like no one knows how
375
00:16:00,146 --> 00:16:02,689
to coil a garden hose anymore?
376
00:16:04,682 --> 00:16:06,730
Remember sports guys you liked?
377
00:16:06,741 --> 00:16:07,899
- Oh, yeah.
- Totally.
378
00:16:07,909 --> 00:16:09,909
I like those guys.
379
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,909
Um, you know what, let's take a break.
380
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:16,001
We'll be right back.
381
00:16:16,012 --> 00:16:19,180
- Oh, my god, it's happening.
- What's happening?
382
00:16:19,284 --> 00:16:20,992
Ah, what are we doing?
383
00:16:21,358 --> 00:16:24,344
I started this 'cause there were
no daytime talk shows with men,
384
00:16:24,355 --> 00:16:26,981
and Lois said that's because
men eventually run out of things
385
00:16:26,992 --> 00:16:28,241
to say to each other.
386
00:16:28,252 --> 00:16:31,212
Well, looks like she was right.
387
00:16:33,206 --> 00:16:35,164
I don't want to be right.
388
00:16:35,250 --> 00:16:37,625
Lois? What are you all doing here?
389
00:16:37,711 --> 00:16:40,211
We came down to get this show canceled.
390
00:16:40,222 --> 00:16:41,679
Between the embarrassing content
391
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:44,090
and you becoming so
full of yourself at home,
392
00:16:44,134 --> 00:16:45,758
well, I thought it was the only option.
393
00:16:45,844 --> 00:16:48,011
But when I heard you
admit you were wrong,
394
00:16:48,212 --> 00:16:51,505
I remembered why I married
you in the first place.
395
00:16:51,516 --> 00:16:54,225
Because I proposed in an
offensive Chinese accent,
396
00:16:54,236 --> 00:16:56,154
and you just wanted to
get out of the restaurant?
397
00:16:56,165 --> 00:16:58,938
No, Peter, because
beneath all your craziness,
398
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:02,391
I know there's just a
sweet, confused child.
399
00:17:02,402 --> 00:17:04,501
- Can I get a lizard?
- No, Peter.
400
00:17:04,512 --> 00:17:05,793
But you said!
401
00:17:05,804 --> 00:17:07,280
Fine, you can get a lizard.
402
00:17:07,338 --> 00:17:09,171
I love you, Mom Lois.
403
00:17:09,182 --> 00:17:10,890
I love you, too, Peter.
404
00:17:11,045 --> 00:17:13,248
Can you watch my
lizard? I'm bored of it.
405
00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:18,666
You really think seeing a therapist
406
00:17:18,752 --> 00:17:20,376
is the best way to get me to cry?
407
00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:23,691
Absolutely. And this
guy is the best in town.
408
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,581
See you next week, John.
409
00:17:25,592 --> 00:17:27,079
Looking forward to it.
410
00:17:27,090 --> 00:17:29,010
Man, there's nothing to do for that guy,
411
00:17:29,021 --> 00:17:30,729
but he's got insurance.
412
00:17:30,740 --> 00:17:32,823
Okay, who's Meg Griffin?
413
00:17:36,001 --> 00:17:39,002
So, I'm Dr. Matthews,
but you can call me Brad.
414
00:17:39,013 --> 00:17:41,588
My Delta Chi brothers
used to call me crusher,
415
00:17:41,599 --> 00:17:43,223
so that's fair game, too.
416
00:17:43,234 --> 00:17:44,832
Wow, this guy rocks.
417
00:17:44,843 --> 00:17:46,735
Before we start, it's important to know
418
00:17:46,746 --> 00:17:48,312
I only accept crypto.
419
00:17:48,323 --> 00:17:51,115
So bitcoin, dogecoin or ethereum.
420
00:17:51,126 --> 00:17:53,418
Oh, actually, wait. Not ethereum.
421
00:17:53,429 --> 00:17:55,637
Wait, wait, no. I-I
don't, I don't anymore.
422
00:17:55,830 --> 00:17:58,242
Wait, yes, yes, I do,
but you have to send it,
423
00:17:58,253 --> 00:17:59,615
- like, right now.
- [PHONE BEEPS]
424
00:17:59,626 --> 00:18:01,042
- Did you send it?
- I did.
425
00:18:01,127 --> 00:18:03,268
No! Why did you do that?!
426
00:18:03,279 --> 00:18:06,238
Ooh, "forget real
estate. Invest in money
427
00:18:06,299 --> 00:18:08,257
you can't even see," they said.
428
00:18:08,348 --> 00:18:11,641
Okay, I guess let's talk about you.
429
00:18:12,102 --> 00:18:15,214
Well, earlier this week, I
cried into some cookie dough,
430
00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:18,509
and my tears actually made
the cookies taste incredible.
431
00:18:18,595 --> 00:18:21,804
So we started a successful
cookie business using my tears.
432
00:18:21,964 --> 00:18:24,506
But now I'm too happy to cry anymore.
433
00:18:24,517 --> 00:18:27,017
But no tears means no money.
434
00:18:27,178 --> 00:18:29,470
Meg, have you considered
the reason you're happy
435
00:18:29,481 --> 00:18:31,063
isn't because of the business?
436
00:18:31,487 --> 00:18:33,982
That maybe it's because
you finally got to spend
437
00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:36,985
quality time bonding with
the family members you love?
438
00:18:37,276 --> 00:18:40,614
Oh, snap. My man crusher
dropping knowledge bombs.
439
00:18:40,868 --> 00:18:44,244
Guys, is the money really
worth the sister you love
440
00:18:44,255 --> 00:18:46,421
feeling badly about herself?
441
00:18:49,416 --> 00:18:51,208
- No.
- It's not.
442
00:18:51,219 --> 00:18:53,294
The new Thom Browne
line is out next week,
443
00:18:53,305 --> 00:18:54,846
so maybe?
444
00:18:55,089 --> 00:18:58,132
Wow, I can't believe
you'd choose my happiness
445
00:18:58,143 --> 00:19:00,038
over all that money, you guys.
446
00:19:00,049 --> 00:19:01,590
That really means a lot.
447
00:19:01,679 --> 00:19:03,933
We just want you to be happy, Meg.
448
00:19:03,944 --> 00:19:05,982
Chris is right. We love you.
449
00:19:06,248 --> 00:19:08,681
Oh, I love you guys.
450
00:19:12,973 --> 00:19:14,764
Hey, where's that diploma from?
451
00:19:14,775 --> 00:19:16,358
Oh, that's not a diploma.
452
00:19:16,369 --> 00:19:18,536
That's a certificate for
finishing the Big Bertha
453
00:19:18,621 --> 00:19:21,062
at Leo's Bar and Grill in Cincinnati.
454
00:19:21,073 --> 00:19:24,147
Got a t-shirt, too, but
it's at the dry cleaners.
455
00:19:24,158 --> 00:19:26,415
Wow. Dry cleaning a t-shirt
456
00:19:26,426 --> 00:19:28,874
bragging about a
regional food challenge?
457
00:19:28,885 --> 00:19:30,436
That's the dream.
458
00:19:34,083 --> 00:19:37,180
Honey, it's me. They fell
for the whole crusher routine.
459
00:19:37,453 --> 00:19:39,411
Oh, and their little cookie business?
460
00:19:39,548 --> 00:19:42,902
Let's just say I... Took care of it.
461
00:19:48,661 --> 00:19:50,753
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
462
00:19:52,466 --> 00:19:54,716
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
463
00:19:55,170 --> 00:19:57,379
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
464
00:19:58,888 --> 00:20:00,805
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
465
00:20:02,441 --> 00:20:05,608
[SIREN WAILING]
466
00:20:05,619 --> 00:20:07,201
What happened last night?
467
00:20:07,245 --> 00:20:09,694
Oh, nothing. Just... Just hit a home run
468
00:20:09,705 --> 00:20:11,162
in my softball game.
469
00:20:11,173 --> 00:20:13,081
No, I mean, I mean the building.
470
00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:15,459
Huh? Oh, huge gas leak.
471
00:20:15,610 --> 00:20:17,649
Won the game. Everybody's dead.
472
00:20:23,366 --> 00:20:26,294
Sorry I got carried away with
my daytime talk show, Lois.
473
00:20:26,419 --> 00:20:28,210
Oh, Peter, I'm just glad you're home
474
00:20:28,223 --> 00:20:30,724
and still wearing television
makeup for some reason.
475
00:20:31,002 --> 00:20:33,211
I don't know what you're talking about.
476
00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:35,646
Hey, sorry your cookie
business didn't work out, Meg.
477
00:20:35,889 --> 00:20:37,722
Yeah, I guess it would
have been pretty sweet
478
00:20:37,733 --> 00:20:40,689
to have a successful cookie
business, but it's fine.
479
00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:42,861
You know, Meg, the way I see it,
480
00:20:43,152 --> 00:20:45,178
life's too darn short.
481
00:20:48,489 --> 00:20:49,947
Boy, that was brutal.
482
00:20:49,988 --> 00:20:51,821
Yeah, what a big waste of time.
483
00:20:51,832 --> 00:20:54,549
I know, it's like life
really is too darn short.
484
00:20:55,052 --> 00:20:57,845
Huh. Maybe it was good.
485
00:20:58,110 --> 00:20:59,927
Screw it, I'm getting a shirt.
486
00:21:00,898 --> 00:21:05,898
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- www.addic7ed.com -
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