All language subtitles for Spoiler Alert (2022).en

This isn't how our story
was supposed to end.

But meeting you in the first place

was the plot twist I never expected.

- Mike, what do you got?
- Fourteen years ago,

it was a most ordinary Tuesday.

Earth to Mike.

Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry.

I'm working on a piece titled,

"Every Gilmore Girls Character
Ranked from Best to Rory."

Who's Rory?

She's one of the Gilmore Girls.

Which one?

She's the younger one.

Yeah, I don't get it.

Can you give me
something about Fear Factor?

Sure, yeah. I'll give you
something about Fear Factor.

My job at TV Guide was a dream,

especially as a kid who imagined
his childhood was an '80s sitcom.

With Michael's younger brother,

and Michael's older brother.

Starring Michael Ausiello

as Michael Ausiello.

Hey, kids. I'm home.

Mom!

And featuring Mrs. Ausiello.

Come on. Our soap's about to start.

I remember watching
daytime soap operas with my mom.

Nurse Angelique, how's the patient?

Not good, Dr. Underwood.

All those sad people in hospitals.

I was determined that my story
was going to be a happy one.

And for a while, it was.

I fancied myself as the star
of my very own workplace comedy.

Hey, princess.

A little Liz Lemon
and a lot of Will Truman.

Holy crap.

That's Nick.

He convinces me to do things
like go out to a club on a weeknight.

It is Jock Night at Nublu.

Yeah, so throw on something like this,
and let's go.

I'm gonna get you laid.

- Come on.
- That sounds really fun,

but I have to finish this piece
on Fear Factor by tomorrow.

You work too much,
and you need to get out more.

Come on.

Yeah! Let's do it!

I just can't get you out of my head

Boy, your loving is all I think about

I just can't get you out of my head

Boy, it's more than
I dare to think about

I don't belong here.

Sure you do.

It's Jock Night, and you're a runner.

I'm a jogger. I'm not a runner.
Jogging's not a sport.

Please. Are you allergic to fun, Michael?

Boy, your loving is all I think about

And there you were,
like some sweatband-wearing matinee idol.

I'll just shut up now.

Oh. That guy is definitely into you.

He was with a woman.

No man in this club has been
with a woman in years,

- if ever.
- Oh, my God.

- He's walking over here.
- Ignore me.

- Nick, please. Don't do that.
- Ignore me. Ignore me.

I'm just a random gay man.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- What's up?
- "What's up"?

You were looking over, and you waved,

and you were making that face, so...

I know. We were just...
We were smiling at each other, so I...

You were smiling at me, right?

Well, actually, my friend Nina was
getting me a drink, so I was just looking.

Oh, Jesus. So you weren't looking at me.

You were looking behind me. Oh, my God.

Well, I mean, no, I was...

- Okay. That's mortifying.
- Hey, you guys.

- No, it's...
- Hello.

You are so his type.

Okay, she's had a few too many.

No, I haven't.

Yes, I have, but you are still his type.

Well, 'cause you're...

You're like a dweeb.

- I'm what?
- Tall. She means tall.

- You mean tall.
- Yes. A tall dweeb.

- That is what I meant.
- Oh, my... Okay.

- Wow.
- It doesn't matter.

Don't be embarrassed.
Everybody has a type.

My type is very handsome gay men.

Which is why I am hopelessly single.

I'm dancing.

It's truly a tragedy. It's...

- Well, for me.
- I think for maybe both of us.

Did you... Do you want to dance?

No, I don't... I'm not gonna dance.

Okay. You prefer to watch?

Yes, I like to watch.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Well, let me know if you change your mind.

I just can't get you out of my head

Boy, your loving is all I think about

I just can't get you out of my head

Boy, it's more than
I dare to think about

You make me feel

Mighty real

They're dancing!

- You're a great dancer.
- You're a terrible liar.

Have you been here before?

I wouldn't say
that this is really my scene.

- What's your scene?
- I'm more of

a "work late,
go to bed early" kind of guy.

What about you?

I've been here a lot.
Getting a little tired of it.

Maybe you should try another scene.

- Maybe I should.
- Maybe you should.

Bold.

How about turning the hat?

So, you want to get out of here
and go back to my place?

I don't even know your name.

It's Kit.

Wait, really? You're Kit?

Oh, God. I'm Michael.

It's like Michael and KITT
from Knight Rider.

It's that David Hasselhoff show
from the '80s. Ran 90 episodes.

- So, this is kismet, then?
- Sure.

Except that KITT was a talking car
and the show wasn't very good.

Hey, there you are.

Oh, God, hi.

Kit, I need you to take me home
because the room is spinning.

All right. That's my cue.

Oh, yeah, okay.

It's been good to meet you.

Wow. Come on. Jesus.

Yeah, it's good to meet you, too.

You know what? Actually, here.

This is my card.

It has my number on it,
so you can call me sometime.

- Okay.
- Oh, God. I think I'm gonna barf.

All right. Let's get you out of here.

Get you out of here.

- I'm so sorry.
- Come on.

I never thought I'd hear from you.

But then you called.

You do own a TV set, right?

I think my roommate Kirby does.

- Is that shocking to you?
- Shocking?

No, it's not shocking.
I've heard of people

who don't have TVs,
but I've never met one.

It's nice to meet you.

Educate me. What's your favorite TV show?

At the moment? Felicity.

They're doing some new things,
but it's also got a traditional...

I don't know,
there's something comforting about it,

and the actors are great.

Is she the one whose haircut
almost got the show canceled?

It is a brilliant show,
and you should watch it.

Okay. Should we get a bottle?
This place has an incredible wine list.

I think I will stick with Diet Coke.

I'm not really much of a drinker.

I don't really like the taste
or the empty calories.

What about you? Drunkard or junkie?

I'm a photographer.

Both, then.

Well, for now, I have a day job
that pays the bills.

- What is that?
- Così.

New York's finest
fast-casual restaurant chain.

Così has the best flatbread
in New York City.

Well, I design their advertising,
store signage.

Did you do the new ads
for the hummus-veggie sandwich?

I did, yes.

- That's one of mine.
- Okay, I'm not even kidding,

that is the most beautifully rendered

hummus and veggie sandwich
I have ever seen.

And I'm a vegetarian. I've seen
a lot of hummus and veggie pictures.

Well, what can I say?
When it comes to lighting bread,

I know what's up.

I do lunch every day at the Così
on 51st and Broadway.

Well, today's your lucky day,

because your next two
flatbread sandwiches are on me.

Shut up! Marry me.

Oh, God. Is that too soon
to ask you to marry me?

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

What's your take on marriage?

A serious discussion.

Well, you know, it's topical and...

Okay. Well,

I consider myself
a bit of a hopeless romantic,

so I guess that makes me pro.

And I'm guessing that
you kind of feel differently.

Well, aren't we supposed to be
more advanced than that?

I mean, it started as
the literal selling of chattel.

I don't know if I want to be
a part of that ritual.

I think some rituals are kind of sweet.

And some rituals
are actually very important.

- What's chattel?
- I don't know.

I think it's, like, cattle that chats.

Talking cows?

Middle child, two brothers.

We're actually very close,
but they live in different states,

so we don't see each other very often.

- Only child.
- Only...

No sisters, no brothers.

Childhood obsessions.

Christmas and soaps and...

Christmas and soaps and...

Nope, there's nothing else.

Christmas and soaps. Period. Go.

Childhood obsession, magic.

My stage name was Kit the Conjurer.

Kit the Conjurer! The alliteration.

It's... You've got...

What is it?

You've got something behind your ear.

What? Where?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, Jesus.

It's a dinner roll.

How did that get there?

How did you do that?

A magician never reveals his secrets.

After high school,
I escaped to Los Angeles.

I went to USC,

where I nurtured
my obsession with television,

which led to my current job at TV Guide.

Which, I am guessing,
you've never even heard of.

No, no, no. My parents had
a subscription to TV Guide.

Oh, thank God.

They're retired now.

My dad is a world-class putterer.

A good guy. And my mom is a triathlete.

Your mother's a triath...
As in, like, the whole...

- Swimming, biking, running. Yep.
- Shut up.

She is exceptionally driven.

Though not very good.

Wow.

Are you close with them?

Yeah. I mean, it's complicated.

But they're great.
They're essentially great.

What about your parents?

Can I just say that this Diet Coke

is the perfect syrup-to-carbonation ratio?

This is Chipotle-level perfect.

No one does Diet Coke like Chipotle.

They both passed away.

My father died when I was very young.

And my mother, she got cancer
a few years after that, so...

Yes, it sucked.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Thank you.

Watch out.

Maybe we should go inside somewhere.

I don't really want to get gay-bashed.

Okay. Well, then let's go to your place.

I've never been to Jersey City before.

Plus, I have
the aforementioned roommate, so...

I would love to go to my place,

but they just painted my apartment,
and I'm afraid the fumes

might not be safe to breathe in.

Okay. Fine.

Then, let's go to my place.

Okay, let's do that.

I'm hoping my roommate isn't here.

She's very monosyllabic.

Okay.

Kit?

Hey, Kirby.

Hey.

- This is Mike.
- Hi, Kirby.

Mike.

- We were just gonna...
- You want me to...

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Yeah.

This is my boudoir.

Wow.

This is really cool.

Thanks.

So, she's really monosyllabic.

Oh, yeah.
I've never seen her leave the apartment.

I swear to God
she only eats bagels, toasted.

I have to be nice to her, though.

She pays more rent than me.

You want some weed?

Oh, no, I'm okay. Thank you.

Okay.

Walk out into velvet

Nothing more to say

You're my favorite moment...

So, here we are.

So, yes. We're here.

'Cause you're my number one

I'm like a dog to get you

I want it up and on

I'm like a dog to get you

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Sunset only seconds

Just ripe, then it's gone

Got no new intentions

Just right, then it's gone

'Cause you're my number one

I'm like a dog to get you

I want it up and on

Okay, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Did I do something or...

No, you didn't...

I just... I need to...

I need to pee. Where's the bathroom?

Hi.

Hi, Mom. I'm home.

Hi, honey.

How was school today?

Kind of a drag.

One of the other kids
called me Dead Dad Mike,

the Fat Fudge Packer,

in front of my US history
and geography class,

and they all laughed at me.

Honey, come here.

What have I always told you?

It's what's on the inside that counts.

Someday you're gonna grow up to be

the best TV journalist in the world.

- Mom.
- I love you so much.

Enjoy yourself.

'Cause you're my number one

I'm like a dog to get you

I want it up and on

I'm like a dog to get you

You're zipped up.

I'm sorry. I'll get that.

Just jump.

Here. Oh, God.

- Just lift your butt up.
- I'm trying.

Just, come on.

Please. Let me do it.
Let me do it. Let me do it.

- Okay.
- I know, it sucks.

I want it up and on

I'm like a dog to get you

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.

You have nice legs.

Oh, thank you. I jog.

Yeah, it shows.

Thank you.

Howl under the moon

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Howl...

No, no. No. Wait.

Okay. Okay.

Am I doing something wrong? I don't...

No, it's just...

You are so confident.

I mean, you just ripped off your clothes

like you're a stripper
at a bachelorette party,

- and you look incredible.
- No.

And I'm an FFK.

You don't know what that is, do you?

- No. No.
- I'm a former fat kid.

So I have some body issues.

Especially around this...

Like, I basically shower
with clothes on, so I...

- What?
- Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing.

- I should leave.
- No.

Should I just leave? I should leave.

Yeah, you should probably go.

Yeah.

It's okay. We don't have to do anything.

We can just talk. We can just talk.

Or I can tickle you.

Stop! Don't do that.

We can just talk.

- We can talk?
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah. No pressure.

We can just talk.

We could just lay here and talk.

- We can talk?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- No pressure.

Okay.

What should we talk about?

Oh, that's a good question.

When did you know you were gay?

Oh.

- Big question.
- God.

Fifth grade.

I was watching Days of Our Lives
with my mother.

And she caught me literally
drooling over a shirtless Bo Brady.

Oh!

And it is awkward to realize you're gay

at the same moment
your mother is realizing

that you're realizing you're gay.

You were, like, 12?

Eleven, twelve... I don't give a...
Yeah, she knew.

Oh, my God. My parents still don't know.

- I mean, I had girlfriends...
- What?

...right up until after college.

They have no idea.

Why haven't you told them?

Because it took a long time
for me to accept it myself,

and I think it will be tough for them.

And I don't think I'm ready to tell them.

I don't know.

This okay?

Yes.

Thank you.

I changed my outfit seven times
before this date.

You always felt like premium cable
to my network sitcom.

- Hi. Good to see you.
- It's good to see you.

So, you must be Michael.

I didn't realize
I was in "must be" territory.

You've already met him, Nina.

Oh, my God. Jock Night.

- Jock Night.
- You are the tall dweeb.

Is that what I'm gonna be called?

No, no, no. Isn't this place beautiful?

- Can you believe that she works here?
- It's quite stunning.

It really is. It's...

It's an atelier.

Ateli-what?

You know what?
It's just a designer showroom.

- Well, it's beautiful.
- But Kit can tell you

all about it when he starts working here.

Yeah, we need someone
to do some photographs

- for our catalog.
- That'd be cool.

Nina loves to taunt me
with false promises of employment.

Can I get anyone a drink? A Diet Coke?

I feel very seen. Thank you.

So, Michael.

- Yes.
- What is your whole life story?

One sentence. Tell me everything.

Actually, you know what?
Let's make it fun.

Life story. One word. Go.

Basically...

"Basically." I like that.
That is fascinating.

- Okay, you. One word.
- Impatient.

- That actually makes a lot of...
- Hold that thought.

Have you seen the black apple?

Well, I don't know what that means.

Come. Come, come, come. He'll find us.

I can't imagine that I have. Okay.

It's... Excuse me.

So, I would say that it blurs the lines
between art and produce,

and that it hearkens back
to the Gilded Age.

There's a certain opulence about it.

That's a very impressive
analysis. He's a real pro.

Yeah, well, it reminds us

that sometimes life is
just black and white

and that sometimes an apple
is just an apple, and it's good.

- Is this good?
- No, it's terrible.

- It's terrible?
- Yes.

At best, it belongs
in a high-end doctor's office.

Stop. You're being generous.

I could see this
in a low-end dentist's office.

I give you an A for effort. Cheers.

Thank you.

- I hate that.
- You did very well.

Yeah, you should. It's not good at all.

This is the roof garden.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Isn't it amazing?

Yeah, look at this. It's beautiful.

They all really like you, by the way.

I feel like Nina hates me.

No, no. If she didn't like you,

she'd be much more accommodating.

I promise.

That's good to know.

I love this city.

- Thank you for coming tonight.
- Thank you for having me.

It's a pleasure to have you as my date.

So, shall we go to your place tonight?

The last bus is in, like, half an hour.
I don't even know if we...

Come on. We could make that, easy.
It'd be fun.

Clearly, you've never been
to Port Authority on a Friday night.

Is there a reason
you don't want me to see your place?

I mean, at first, it was paint fumes,

and now you hiding a dead body
or something? I...

No. There's no... That's ridiculous.

The whole idea that I wouldn't want you
to see my place, that's ridiculous.

Okay, then. So?

Okay.

Fine. We'll go to my place.

If that's what you want.

- Oh, it's what I want, Michael.
- Okay, then.

That's what we'll do.

We'll go to my place.

- Now?
- Yeah.

Let's go.

- All right.
- Come on.

Let's go.

And this is the hallway. Just...

- Eggshell white on the wall.
- That's a lovely color.

And here's my door.

This is just your all-American,
typical door.

And so, I guess I'll just open the door

and we can go inside.

Yep. That's usually how it works, Michael.

Before we go in, I want to remind you

that your friends said
that they really like me.

Oh, Jesus. Just open the door.

Okay.

I mean, I'm just a person like everybody.

Come on. Let me see your apartment.

Come on.

Okay.

Okay. So...

This is where I live.

My apartment.

Home sweet home.

Okay.

- Oh, you don't want to...
- Oh, my God.

- They're in here, too.
- ...go in the bedroom.

Oh, Papa.

What is this, Michael?

They're Smurfs.

Yes, I can see that.

Is it a fetish?

Oh, God, no. This is not a fetish.

No, this is... I guess it's a hobby.

Or maybe it's a passion.

I started collecting these when I was ten.

It was my friend Linda Swzedo's fault.

She got me into them.

She was totally obsessed with them,

and then I became obsessed, too.

My mother would take me
to Gift Expressions

every Sunday
after I helped her grocery shop,

and she would buy me
a Smurf figurine as a reward.

My favorite was Vanity Smurf,

who I now realize was a total closet case.

Like I was. And then,

I don't know, after my mom died,

I did take a ten-year Smurf sabbatical.

But along came eBay,

and then I just kind of...
All hell broke loose.

I started going to toy shows,
and I went to flea markets.

I was buying and selling and trading...

And I really can't defend this.

Yeah.

I think that they take me back in time.

You know, like...

To before my mom died.

When...

When things were easier.

I think that you can imagine
why I was a little hesitant

to bring you to my apartment.

Say something.

I...

I fooled around with someone.

At the gym last week.

I know that you and I have never had

the "exclusive" conversation

and, I don't know,

I feel guilty about it.

Why are you telling me this?

Because I feel guilty about it.

And that's new for me, Michael.

You know, I've never actually had
a real relationship before.

A boyfriend.

Just a lot of casual hookups.

And, you know, I don't usually
want more than that, but...

If someone gets too attached,

I get out of there, and this...

You...

It scares me.

You scare me, too.

I think you're very cool.

I think your friends are very cool.

And I now know that you go to the gym

for things other than
weight lifting and treadmill.

And I'm worried that
I'm going to fall in love with you

and you're going to break my heart.

That scares me.

I guess we scare each other.

I guess we do.

Smurfgate almost derailed us,

but by Christmas, we were back on track.

Merry Christmas.

How old is this thing?

1960s. So it's not exactly your childhood,

but, you know...

It's got the wand and the cups
and the lady that you saw in half.

Where did you get it?

Oh, you could buy anything on eBay.

It's really special, Mike.

You'll be happy to know
that I was able to resist

a super rare Christmas Carol Smurf
that was $300.

Must have taken a lot of self-control.

It did.

- I love it.
- Good.

Thank you.

- I got you something.
- You did?

Stand up.

Not as good as yours.

Close your eyes.

- Close your eyes.
- Okay.

- You better be very careful.
- I'm gonna be very careful.

- I don't like this at all.
- You're very important to me.

I just don't like walking blind like this.

Well, okay, I think we've gotten
to the point in our relationship

where you can trust me
a month and a half in.

I do. I just hate a stubbed toe.

- Your shoulders feel great.
- Oh, thank you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Now, you just stay there.
- Okay.

Okay.

- Okay.
- Oh, God.

- Am I going back in the closet?
- They wouldn't accept you.

That's mean.

- Okay. And...
- Okay.

Open your eyes.

Ta-da!

Your very own closet space.

- Did you make that?
- I did.

You can put your sleep shorts here.

And you can hang your pants on a hanger.

Put them here.

And your wallet and your keys
in the sundries box.

That's where the sundries go.

Merry Christmas.

- You're staring at me.
- Yes.

- I love...
- Love you.

- What the hell?
- Oh.

- That was my line.
- Well, you hesitated.

You snooze, you lose.

- I did not hesitate.
- You did.

I was giving the words room to breathe.

Well, let the record show I said it first.

Kit, at the very least,
we've said it at the same time.

- That's not what the record shows.
- I love you.

I love you, too.

Dr. Patel to CCU.

Dr. Patel to CCU.

Don't worry.
We're not at the bad part yet.

- How's he doing?
- Good.

He's been dozing in and out.
Are you family?

Oh, no. I'm his boyfriend.

Oh, God.

- Are you gonna get that?
- It's his mother.

He told me to call her
and tell her not to come.

I've never even met the woman.

Hello?

Hi, Mrs. Cowan.

Yes, this is Michael. Ausiello.

Yes, Kit's doing fine.

Apparently, it was appendicitis,

but he's doing really well now.

Yes, he told me to tell you
there's no need for you to come.

On 10th Avenue.

Between 58th and 59th.

I'll tell him you're coming.

Shit.

I'll be back.

Hey.

How are you feeling?

- Is she coming?
- They're driving overnight.

- Overnight?
- Yeah.

I need you to do me a favor.

They stay with me when they come.

I need you to go to my apartment
and clean up.

What do you want?
You mean, like, make the bed?

No, I need you to hide
anything that looks gay.

You want me to de-gay your apartment?

Yes, de-gay my apartment.

My art books, some of my prints,

any suspect clothing lying around.

And you should probably
take down my Christmas gift to you.

Okay.

You're a big baby.

Could be a tell.

Yeah, cover it.

I don't know what to do with this.

Put it there.

Yeah, that's not good.

What's gay about this sweater?

I'm sorry.

Mom, what are you doing?

Stop creating problems just to fix them.

It is cold outside.

That thing won't keep you warm.

I'm not going onto the streets of New York

wearing a stolen hospital blanket.

- Yes, you are.
- You'll get me arrested, woman.

Yes, you are. No one will notice.

- Okay, there, there, there.
- There it is.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Did you...

Mom, this is my friend, Michael.

Mike. You spoke on the phone.

Mike, this is my mother Marilyn.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Watch out. She's in quite a mood.

We're just waiting for the wheelchair,

- and then we're getting out of here.
- Sure.

How are you?

Sore. But, you know, Vicodin is tasty.

Got the extra strength, baby.

So, Mrs. Cowan, how was the drive in?

Terrible. I wanted to take
the first bus from Kutztown,

but, oh, no. Oh, no.
Your father wanted to drive.

He was absolutely insistent.

And, of course, he got completely lost.

We were practically in Buffalo

when he had to turn back around.

Well, I hear they have some
good wings up in Buffalo.

Wings? What do you mean, "wings"?

It's Buffalo wing... Chicken wings.

Chicken wings? Chicken wing...
I love chicken wings.

Yeah, you know, I was just
referencing Buffalo wings.

That was good. Love that.

So, where is Bob?

Bob? You mean my husband?

Yes.

I'm sorry, where's Mr. Cowan?

He's parking the car.
I warn you right now,

- he is in a terrible mood.
- Yeah.

My dad hates the city with a passion.

Bob. Here we are.

- Ah, there's my ride.
- Christ.

Do you realize how expensive it is
to park in this town?

It is astronomical.

- Hi, Dad.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hello, Frog Legs.
- Hi.

- How are you, lad?
- I'm good.

Dad, this is my friend, Mike.

Hi. Bob Cowan.

- Nice to meet you, Mark.
- Good... It's Michael Ausiello.

- It's good to meet you, too, though.
- Michael. Sorry. Yeah.

It's so good to meet
a friend of Kit's, you know.

- Oh, absolutely.
- Yeah. Yeah.

And his dad. It's good to meet his dad.

- Yeah.
- Bob, will you bring the car around?

- We're leaving.
- What?

Christ, I... Are you kidding, Marilyn?

Bob, get the car. Get the car, Bob.

- I just parked...
- Get the car.

I just...

- God.
- Marilyn.

I can't believe
you walked up all those stairs.

We're right at the front door, though.

You need an elevator in this building,

- for goodness' sake.
- Jeez, now, take it easy.

- Too many steps.
- Hey, Kirby.

Hey.

You know my mom and dad.

Hi, Kirby.

And this is my friend, Mike.

Kirby.

Right.

You know, I'm gonna run
to the restroom. My...

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I just need to use the... You know.

Two flights of stairs.

Honestly.

He seems to be moving around pretty well,

considering.

Yeah.

So, you live in the building?

No, actually, I live in Jersey.

But you work close by?

Well, not that close. I work in Midtown.

So, Mike.

Yes.

What do you do?

Well, I'm a journalist. I write about TV.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

How nice.

Do you watch TV?

Yes.

- Koppel.
- Koppel?

Nightline.

- Oh, sure. Ted. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Do you write about him?

About Koppel?

No, I don't think I've written
anything about Ted Koppel.

- No? Maybe you should.
- I think you should.

He's not gonna write
about Ted Koppel, guys.

He writes about big TV shows.

Okay.

Mike, did you want to...

Yeah. What if I...

Why don't I go get some lunch
or something? You must be famished.

No, no, no. I've got that covered.

I made Kit's favorite chicken soup.

All in the duffel.

Thanks.

I guess there's really
nothing for me to go get.

Yeah.

How do you guys know each other?

I'm gonna...
I'll put that chicken soup in the fridge.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Here we go. I'll be back.

- We met at a bar.
- Really?

You met at a bar?

- Yeah.
- I get that.

It's two guys out, catting around.

Meeting chicks.

You know, a wingman needs a wingman.

Am I right, kitty?

Oh, my God.

Bob and I are gonna sleep on the futon,

so where are the sheets?

- They're down the hall.
- You know what,

I'll get the sheets for you.

So, your friend from the bar
knows where your sheets are?

Yeah, he's crashed here
a few times on the futon,

so he knows where the sheets are.

A friend?

Yeah. A friend.

Just a friend?

Yes, Mom. Just a friend.

What is going on here? Who is this guy?

What's happening? Why is he still here?

I don't understand.
You are acting so weird,

and you don't even look us in the face...

- You're acting so weird.
- He's my boyfriend, Mom.

- Your boyfriend?
- Yes.

I'm gay.

I'm gay, too.

I am also gay.

I am.

Why couldn't you tell me that?

Why did you keep it such a secret?

What, am I some horrible monster?

- You can't say that to me?
- No, Mom.

You have to just hide it all the time?

I didn't know how to tell you.

- I didn't know how you'd react.
- I don't understand

- why you would do that.
- It's not an easy thing to

talk about. It's not just easy to...

I think it's great, Kit.

I think it's great that you gays...

That you guys have each other and...

We may not look like it,
but we are actually

kind of hip, your mother and I, and...

We were gonna go to Woodstock, you know.

Oh, yeah.

We had the tickets, but we didn't go.

I just don't know
why you wouldn't tell me.

I call you all the time.
I say, "How are you doing?

"What's new? Who are you seeing?"

You could've just said, "You know what,"

- a long time ago.
- It's hard, Marilyn.

It's hard.

Like I'm an outsider or something.

Hello, Mike.

Gosh, good to meet you.

It's nice to meet you, too, Marilyn.

Oh, my God.

It wasn't long after Bob and Marilyn

went back to Millersburg that we moved in

to our first apartment together.

Where should this go?

I don't know. Where should this go?

That's cold as hell.

- That's so moody.
- Dusty rusty.

And it even had an outdoor space,

which, by New York standards,
made it positively palatial.

- Cheers.
- To us.

To us.

Okay. You can come out now.

Ta-da. Our very first Christmas tree.

Decorated by yours truly.

Yes. It's...

- What?
- A lot of tinsel.

There's tinsel on there, yes.

And I see a Smurf or two.

- There are some Smurfs. Yes.
- Yes, of course. Yes.

And an entire solar system with a star.

That's a pretty star.

- You hate it.
- I don't hate it.

- No, you hate it.
- It's very you.

- Come here. Get down here.
- What are we doing?

Get under the tree.

Is this part of decorating the tree?

- It's part of my tradition.
- Okay.

Every year, when I was young,

I would lay under the tree for hours

listening to my parents moving around,

getting everything ready for the holidays.

- What?
- Mike.

What?

Your love of Christmas is...

Inspiring?

- Yeah. Yeah, let's...
- It's inspiring.

- Let's go with inspiring.
- It's inspiring. Yeah.

That's what I thought you were gonna say.

I have this fantasy.

Or maybe it's more like a Christmas wish,

but that, even when I'm older,

I will lie under the tree like this
with my partner,

and we'll just take a moment
to appreciate this beauty.

And even though we're old

and it's getting harder to move

and lying under the tree
really hurt our backs,

we're still grateful
because we have each other.

Well, that's very nice.

Yeah.

I have an idea.

We're taking the first annual
Kit and Mike Christmas photo.

You're not so Scrooge-y after all.

- We've got five seconds.
- You are a pro.

Yeah. Yes.

- Smile.
- I am.

Christmas!

Years go by pretty quickly

when you count by Christmas trees.

- Michael.
- Yes?

You're drinking Diet Coke
out of a wineglass?

- That's pretty chic.
- Oh, actually,

this is wine in a wineglass, Nina.

Oh, he's already had half a bottle.

- Oh, put a cork in it, Kit.
- Is it a wine pun?

That accidentally was a wine pun.

Yes, it was.

I'm Nick, by the way.

Kirby.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Are you two a couple?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Kirby used to be my roommate.

Cheers.

Thanks.

Well, I would like to make a toast
to Michael and Kit.

You guys are such a great couple.

And you've been a huge inspiration to me.

I mean, 13 years.

It's an incredibly long time
for any couple to be together,

but especially for a gay couple.

Right? I mean, in this day and age,

it's a really special thing.

- I agree, so...
- And even though

Nick and I have only been together for,

like, a couple weeks now...

Three weeks, if you count texting.

Right. Three weeks.

I just... I'm really hoping
that we can follow

in your wonderful example of togetherness.

Okay, obviously, I've not told him.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

What's wrong? Did I miss something?

- Yes, you did.
- Yeah.

What brings you here?

You want to say that?

Yeah.

Well, we've been having a few

- minor problems.
- Problems. Yeah.

For one thing, our sex life

leaves a little to be desired.

By which Michael means
his clothes are dead-bolted to his body.

He was on Grindr during
dinner with our friends,

- and everyone saw.
- No one saw.

I was on it for two seconds.

Besides, that's our agreement.
Looking, but no touching.

He is never not stoned.

There's a corner of our bedroom

that has started
to look like the pot version

of Walter White's meth lab.

I ask him to join me, but he refuses.

You might actually enjoy it, Michael.

He always asks me this,
and I always tell him the same thing,

"Thanks, Cherry Garcia. I'm good."

It's Jerry Garcia, not Cherry Garcia.

Cherry Garcia is a flavor of ice cream.

Is that true?

When I first met him,
he only drank Diet Coke,

and now he drinks
a bottle of wine a night.

It relaxes me. It takes the edge off.
I think I've earned that.

By the time we've finished dinner
and started Drag Race,

he's well into his second bottle.

Drag Race is only on Mondays.
It's a Monday show.

While I'm doing my bedtime routine,

he carries on drinking and watching TV.

What he's not telling you is that
his bedtime routine lasts 90 minutes.

- What's he doing?
- It's my alone time.

When Kit and I first started dating,

he didn't even own a television,

and now I feel like
he watches more than I do.

How would you know? You're never home.

He never leaves the office,
which is weird.

And how hard can it possibly be

to recap an episode of Grey's Anatomy?

That is a deceptively complex show.

Have you seen it?

I know of it.

He has an insane flirtation
with Tom Daley.

The Olympic diver?

His name's Sebastian,
and he's my coworker.

- Hey, Claire.
- Hi, Michael.

Let me just wrap up these things,
then we can...

I'll do my best.

Thomas Daley, Great Britain.

- 8.5, 8.5...
- They charge by the hour.

I'm gonna go set up an invoice for them.

Hey.

I'm so sorry I missed the reception.
How did it go?

- Yeah. Yeah, it was good.
- Stupid cabbie.

Took the Manhattan Bridge
when I told him, "Take the tunnel."

Well, you should've just taken it home,

because everyone's left already.

I'm sorry.

Why don't you go home and unpack,

and, you know, I'm just gonna stay here.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

I'll see you at home.

Okay. I'll see you later.

Okay, fine. He's Tom Daley's doppelgänger,

if you want to be technical about it.

Are we not supposed to talk
to each other, Michael?

I don't know if that's all
you're doing is talking.

I don't want to talk about this.

You don't want to talk about anything.
He never talks about anything.

You sure? You don't want to talk about it?

New Jersey police recently arrested a man

for bringing a doughnut
filled with Xanax pills

to a local high school student...

Hey, you're still up.

Must have had a lot of cleaning up to do.

Yeah.

Then a few of us went out
for a bite to eat after.

Who all went?

Just the usual suspects.

- Was Sebastian there?
- Yes.

He was. Is that a problem?

I don't know. Is it?

I work with him, Michael.

Am I not allowed to go to dinner
with a coworker?

You know what, let me just... Forget it.

You're just gonna walk off?
That's not fair.

I'm the one that's being blown off,
and you're acting hurt

like you're the victim? How is that fair?

- I said, forget it. It's fine.
- No. It's not fine.

We don't need to talk
about this right now.

We do need to talk about it.
There are a lot of things to talk about.

It's not the first time
you haven't been there.

- It's happened a lot.
- And I apologize.

I'm sorry I have deadlines,
but my readers depend upon me.

It's TV, Mike.
You're not saving the world.

- It's not art.
- What do you want me to say, Kit?

That I'm sorry I make money?
I'm sorry I have to travel

- in order to pay our mortgage?
- Okay, Mike.

And while I'm out there
working my ass off,

you're back here doing God knows what

with Nina and Sebastian,
going to, what, art openings?

Jerking each other off
over stupid side tables?

Yes, that is exactly what I do.

We're just in
very different worlds right now.

Yeah, we're in
very different worlds right now.

I agree.

So, you want to hear my assessment?

Yes. Absolutely.

I think you guys resent each other.

But you love each other too much
to part ways.

I think you may need to spend time apart

if you really want to come back together.

We're actually currently living
in separate apartments.

I'm living here.

And I have a place in Brooklyn.

I've been there. It's small.

But nice.

But small.

- But nice.
- Nice.

So, you're broken up?

We're taking some time
to figure some things out.

But honestly,
to your wonderful togetherness.

Okay, let's eat.

- You put that down.
- Yes!

- Okay. Now, come back. Come dance.
- Okay. Dancing.

Yes!

Dig

The chills that you spill up my back

Keep me filled with satisfaction
When we're done

Satisfaction of what's to come

I couldn't ask for another

No, I couldn't ask for another

You know that's right

Your groove I do deeply dig

No walls, only the bridge...

Hey, come dance.

Boring.

No, I couldn't ask for another

- You guys, so fun.
- Thank you.

And I'm taking a little cake for the road.

- Yes, I see.
- A little cake? Nick, Jesus.

- Just a little.
- A lot of cake.

- I'm so happy to have met you.
- I'm having people over tomorrow.

- You big bitch.
- Sorry.

- Good night.
- So much fun.

- See you soon.
- Seriously, this was so wonderful.

All right, thank you, queens.

- Thank you for being here.
- Bye. I love you.

- Happy holidays.
- Get home safe.

- Love you. Bye, guys.
- Thanks again, really.

Am I taking a cab or...

Bye.

That was a great party, Mike.

It was, right? It was really nice.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

Are you still good for Tony on Wednesday?

- Yeah, of course.
- Okay.

Did you want me to stay and help you

- with the cleaning and the...
- Oh, no. God, no. Please.

Thank you, though.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Kit, what is going on?

Are you all right?

There's something not right with my ass.

It feels like I've got
a golf ball lodged up there.

- A golf ball?
- Yeah.

It's probably just
a hemorrhoid or something.

Come down off the ledge, Mike.

I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow.
I've booked an appointment.

Will you tell me what they say?

Of course.

Thank you.

Okay.

Okay, bye!

Be safe.

I will.

Merry Christmas.

Okay.

- Michael.
- Kelly.

- It's so good to see you.
- It's so good to see you, too.

Thank you for coming here today.

- Absolutely.
- Yes. Really appreciate it.

Congrats on the launch of TVLine.

Oh. Thank you.

You look incredible, by the way.

Thank you.

You... Kelly.

I need to take this real quick
before we start.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry about that.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay, cool.

Hey. What happened?

They found a growth.

Wait. What do you mean?

They found a growth in my butt.

But the doctor said
there are a hundred things

it could be besides cancer.

I'm having it biopsied on Friday.

Please, don't worry about it, Michael,
I'm not.

I got to go.
I've got to get on the subway.

Kit, wait.

So, Michael, how was school today?

It was okay.

We had to pick teams in gym class,
and they picked me last.

- Are you okay, Mom?
- Totally fine.

I just need to make an appointment
with the doctor.

Yes. Okay, Doctor. Yes.

Thank you, Doctor.
I'll look at the test results.

Hey, turd ball,
there's a matter baby on your chair.

What's a matter baby?

Nothing. What's the matter with you, baby?

Confirm your name
and birth date for me, please.

Christopher Cowan.

December 23, 1972.

Allergies?

Hot yoga, shareable plates.

Penicillin.

And what's your relationship
to the patient?

The plan is to get in there

and take a piece of it
and send it of for testing.

There's a chance that you'll go in,
you'll find out it's nothing,

and then we'll just move on from...

Michael, relax.

Everything's fine.
I'm gonna be fine, okay?

I'll come out and talk to you
right after I'm done.

Michael?

I'm concerned about Christopher.

The growth was a lot bigger
than I anticipated.

So it's cancer.

It's basically... It's definitely cancer.

We won't know until the results come back,

but whatever it is,
I promise you we'll treat it.

Oh, my God.

Where's my camera?

It's probably in Brooklyn.

We're missing Drag Race.

It's Wednesday, Kit.

Okay. Look, I want you to stay with me
for a couple of days.

You can stay here. I want you to.

Obviously, I live with you, Mike.

Actually, you don't.

Hey, Michael. How you doing?

- Hi, Paige. How are you?
- Good, good.

All right, so you have
a quick window with Candace

- before they set up for the next shot.
- That's fine.

- Thank you very much.
- Let me go grab her.

There she is.

Hey, Candace.

We're all ready for you. Come on over.

This way. Think he's waiting for you,

and you have a very limited
amount of time.

Thank you so much. Hi, Michael.

- Hey, Candace.
- We've got literally five minutes.

- Thank you.
- Great. Okay.

- Hi, Dylan.
- Hi.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Hey, honey, I'm cancer. I mean, I'm home.

That's not funny, Kit.

Yeah, I know.

Hey.

- Hi.
- What are you doing?

Did you google it?

Of course I googled it.

- I asked you not to, Mike.
- Well...

The Internet just tells you
you're gonna die.

And you're not a doctor,
so you won't understand anyway.

This isn't exactly
my first run-in with cancer, Kit.

Exactly. I don't want this
to freak you out.

And I don't want to jump to conclusions,
so, please, hold off.

I found the names of who are

apparently the best oncologists
in New York,

and I already made appointments with them.

- They're for next week.
- I don't want to drag you through this.

We don't even know
where we are right now...

I don't care where we are right now.

I'm not letting you go through this alone.

You don't get a choice in that matter.

And you should stay here this week.

All these doctors are in Manhattan.

Perfectly healthy people
have died waiting on the L Train.

I'm scared.

I'm scared, too.

Generally speaking,

rectal cancer is fairly common
and highly treatable.

Christopher, I was telling
your brother when...

No, no, no. I'm not his brother.

Sorry. There are multiple nodules

adjacent to the inferior rectum

which are presumably related

to the neuroendocrine tumor
that was biopsied.

Well, you sound optimistic.

There's definitely room for optimism here.

With a neuroendocrine tumor,

particularly with what I see
in the pathology report,

it's very amenable to therapy.

So this is not one
of the more aggressive ones?

Correct. Neuroendocrine tumors
are not aggressive.

So, take a deep breath.

It was beginning to seem like

we might dodge
a worst-case cancer diagnosis.

And as if to seal the deal,
our final doctor looked like

she stepped straight out
of hair and makeup

and onto the set of a TV show.

A good one.

I was in love with her.

Until she opened her mouth.

You have an extremely aggressive form
of neuroendocrine cancer.

Your tumor is what we call high-grade.

I'm sorry, what?

If you decide to get your treatment here,

I would like to start as soon as possible.

The other doctors that we talked to,

they said that this
wasn't the aggressive kind.

And they're wrong.

And his is already
at a very advanced stage.

What stage are we talking?

Stage four.

I'm sorry.

How soon should he start treatment?

Ideally, Monday,
he would start chemotherapy.

I need a minute.

This good?

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

What are you gonna get?

What I always get.

Okay.

Here you go. You ready?

Yeah. I'll do the steak tacos.

- Okay.
- Can I get a Diet Coke, please?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Have you talked to your mom lately?

- No.
- Because she keeps calling me.

And I'm running out of excuses

of where you are
and why you can't talk to her.

And I think she's getting worried.

She doesn't even know
we're not living together.

I think maybe we should
drive down there this weekend.

I'm not ready to tell them.

I think we have to.

I love this song.

What?

What?

You're looking at me.

Lay me down

Lay me down

Lay me down

Lay me down

Lay me down

Lay me down

Lay me down

Lay me down

Mom.

- They're here.
- Hi.

- Hi, Marilyn. Hi.
- Hi, Michael. Hi.

- It's good to see you.
- Oh, come in, come in.

- How was the drive?
- Oh, it was good.

- Yeah, it was fine.
- You know, long as usual,

- but I like making it.
- Mom.

Your hair, it's nice.

- Oh! It got so gray.
- It's got volume and bounce.

- It's pretty.
- Do you think

- I should color it?
- No, I love the color.

It's beautiful.
Something smells delicious.

Don't you touch that!
I'm cooking something.

- Okay.
- Wait. Wait.

Bob! The boys are here!

I'm coming!

Come grab their bags, will you?

I'm just gonna take the bag. It's fine.

You boys must be starving.
Are you starving?

- I'm okay.
- I can make you snacks.

No, I was just checking the fridge.

We got some sandwiches
at the gas station, so...

- From a gas station?
- They were fine.

You can't eat sandwiches
that come from a gas station.

We didn't want to spend
much time in the...

- It was easy.
- Oh, for... Bob!

- Come on and get their bags!
- Mom.

- Come on. They're here.
- I'm coming, Mare!

He hears you. He's coming.

Why didn't you just give me
some time to clean up?

- You say you're on your way.
- It's clean.

You just have to give me just a little bit

- of notice, you know.
- It's fine.

Well, look what the cat dragged in.

- Hello, you handsome devil.
- Hey, Dad.

Hi, Kitty. How are you? How are you?

- Good to see you.
- How are you? Good to see you.

- Hey, Bob.
- Equally handsome devil.

- Thank you very much.
- Hello!

- Michael, I love this coat.
- Thank you.

Is it camel hair? Because I'm hearing

that camel hair is very big this season.

- I think it...
- Camel hair?

You wouldn't know camel hair
from a hole in the ground.

- I have some style.
- What do you mean, camel hair?

- You do, Bob. You have style.
- Style?

- Thank you, Michael.
- Look at you. My God.

- And you wear it well.
- Totally cisgender.

Dad, let me help you with those bags.

The last coat you got was from JCPenney,
for goodness' sakes.

...like, a camera situated
right on the runway.

See? You can see there. And then...

I mean, you can just watch planes
take off and land all day long.

- Oh, look at that.
- Which he does.

- Mare, I do not.
- You do, too.

Well, I mean, it is in real time.

Look, it's the little Cessna CTT.

- Very nice.
- Hold out your arm.

He's not high-style like a Learjet.

- You're knitting me a sweater.
- Right.

Last week was this great,
big race in Toledo.

Which is a really nice town.
I'd never been before.

It's known for glass factories,

but who knows if that's actually true?

Listen, you boys should come one year.
It's so much fun.

They take over the whole town, too.
We take over the whole town.

- Yeah. Go ahead, Mare.
- Anyway, this woman I know, Trish O'Neil,

who won the race,
she's in my age-group, but...

- Wins races all the time.
- So, the race starts.

I saw her for the first five miles
of the bike ride,

'cause she and I were
riding fairly close together.

And then after that,
she just kind of disappears.

I don't see her
the whole rest of the race.

Did you like the rosé, Michael? Is it...

- Oh, yes, I love this.
- Good.

I love all rosé, but this is very good.

Last mile of the race...

Da-dum! She reappears.

- She cheated.
- You know, with not one single

drop of sweat on her,

she just trots across the finish line,

- the winner!
- Yeah.

And we were all very upset.

So, you know what, we have been talking

ever since you guys got here.

- Yeah, so...
- Wonderful.

Honestly, what's going on with you guys?

I don't know where to start.

About two or three months ago,

I started experiencing a lot of pain
when going to the bathroom.

And...

We thought there were
a lot of things it could be.

How many doctors have you seen?

We saw three.

It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

I'll never forget
how brave you were telling them.

Obviously, you're gonna fight it.

And you'll beat it.

Yeah.

Who wants cake?

- It's flourless.
- I'd love cake.

- Here, let me do it. It's all right.
- Thank you.

I'll just... Okay.

Here.

I didn't sleep one wink last night.

Not one single wink.

Everything kept rolling around in my head.

Just racing around and around.

I felt the same.

I kept thinking about Trish.

- Right.
- I mean, it's just so insulting.

Right.

Like a big middle finger
to the rest of us.

I mean, there we are,
pushing ourselves as hard as we can,

and honestly, for what?

For what?

I don't know. For what?

Just to see if we can.

- Oh, sure. Yeah, that.
- If we can do it.

I mean, there's no glory in it.

There's certainly no money in it.
It's killing my knees.

But I just do it.

Well, you should take it easy
on your knees.

And then someone like Trish shows up,

who hasn't got a clue. She...

Honestly, what race
does she think she's running?

She thinks she can just
bypass all the hard parts?

Well, you can't.
You have to run the race in front of you,

because that's all there is.

- Marilyn, do you want to...
- You do the best you can.

But she thinks you can cheat all of that.

And I'm here to tell you,
if you cheat, you're going to get caught.

I'm not gonna sit around
and let her get away with it.

No, siree, bobtail.

So, how big is your freezer exactly?

I mean, is it the kind
with the drawer that pulls out,

or with the skinny door on the side?

Oh, we have the drawer that pulls out.

Good. Good.

I'm thinking I'm gonna make

a whole lot of soup for the both of you.

And I'll send it to you,
and you can freeze it.

I'm sure FedEx does that kind of thing.

That's very nice of you. Thank you.

He needs to keep eating, Michael.

- Yes, definitely. He does.
- And so do you.

Yeah.

Hi, Mom. I'm home.

Mom? Mom?

Mom?

Previously on Dawn to Dusk...

Apologies for the wait.

How was your commute today?

It was fine. We just came from downtown.

All right. Christopher, you are all set.

So, today you'll be getting
your first cycle of cisplatin

- and etoposide.
- What is this?

It's an infusion chair.

No, no, no. We were promised a bed.

The recliners go all the way back.

They're really comfortable.

- Mike, it's fine. It's fine.
- No, it's not fine.

He can't sit for four hours.
It's excruciatingly painful.

- We were promised a bed.
- Michael.

I'm so sorry,
but we don't have any beds today.

- Okay. This is not...
- It's okay. It's fine.

Thanks.

I'll just sit on my side, or I can...
It'll be all right.

You're not gonna sit
on your side the whole time.

Don't sit.

Hey.

Give my husband a bed.

Sir, I'm afraid we don't...

He has a rectal tumor
the size of the Death Star.

He needs a bed. We were promised a bed.

All the beds are occupied, sir.

I don't care where you
have to go and find one!

I don't care if you have
to drive to IKEA and buy one.

I don't care if you have
to go to Jennifer Convertibles!

Give my husband a bed!

Okay, sir.

Okay.

We'll find your husband a bed.

Thank you.

Well, that was Oscar-worthy.

It worked for Shirley MacLaine.

I think the "husband" detail
really swung it for you.

Well, "boyfriend" didn't
seem dramatic enough.

- Is this how you are at work?
- I'm a top at work.

Michael.

Well, thank you.

Mike.

What do you need? What's wrong?

What are you doing?

No.

Kit. Oh, my God.

Look at that.

- It's happening.
- It's happening.

I'm afraid the news isn't good.

Your body isn't responding to the chemo.

The tumor has grown.

And we also found nodules
in the pelvic region.

Kit. You... Oh, my God.

What... Are you okay?

Jesus Christ. Kit.

Here. Here. Here.

Take it. Hold that. There you go.

Breathe, baby.

Just breathe. Just breathe.

Breathe.

It's passing.

- It's passing?
- Yeah.

We're gonna stop chemo.

Take a short break in your treatment

so you have time
to get your strength back.

Then we'll start a course of radiation.
Five days a week.

It's proven effective in some cases.

It could buy us some time.

- Hey.
- Sebastian! Hey.

I invited some people from work.

Thanks.

You're all my legendary children.

- Yas, queen.
- She's so pretty.

- But there's room for just one inductee.
- Here we go.

Nice.

Does this mean a drive-in?

Okay. Give me my bag. I'll take it.

- Somebody get the gate this time.
- Come on.

This is lovely.

Okay.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Beautiful.

Really lovely. My, my.

It's down at the end.

- Okay. I see it.
- Bob!

- What?
- Slow down.

- This is it.
- Is this ours?

Yes, and we're right next to you. Apart.

- Guys...
- Who's got the key?

You don't need a key.
I think it's supposed to be open.

That seems dangerous.

Okay.

No, I do not have the strength
to carry you across this threshold.

I'd like to be picked up.

So, we're gonna see you guys soon, right?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- It's... Wow.

Pink flamingos.

Right?

We're here in beautiful
Ocean City, New Jersey,

with the folks.

This is my mother Marilyn,
with her 40 library books.

- And my knitting.
- And her knitting.

Marilyn, wave to the camera.

- And we have my dad.
- Hi, Bob.

Bob, grand master of mah-jongg.

Did you wave, Bob?

Big wave.

That's it. Here we are.

Oh, yes, bubbles.

That's what the people want.

It's what the people are gonna get.

Hopefully.

- Could be better.
- Not bad.

Well, bubbles are finicky.

- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye.

I will delete it, Michael.

Okay, bye.

Thank you for booking this.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Hello.

Hello. What a morning, huh?

Right?

How did you ever find this place?

I've been here before.

My family, we used to take vacations here
when I was a kid.

Thank you for inviting us.

No, no. It was Kit's idea.

He wanted you here.

I was vehemently opposed to it.

You brat.

I have a headache.

We found a number of nodules on the brain.

Several of them located
near the brain stem,

which is likely what's been
causing your headaches.

How big are they?

Well, they're small,
but there are a lot of them.

And your primary tumor
has been growing again.

- How long?
- We don't like to predict these things.

Six weeks? Six months?

More than six weeks.

I've been feeling so much better.

The radiation bought you some time.

At this point, all we can do
is address your symptoms

and manage your pain.

I'm so sorry, Kit.

There are still options here.

There's this targeted treatment.

It's for NETs.

It's being developed in Germany,

and I can't remember what it's called.

- Michael.
- "Affinator" or "Afinator" or something.

- Michael.
- But I just... It blocks...

I think a protein signaling pathway
that's in the...

- It can malfunction...
- Really? Germany?

...and leads to greater
tumor growth or something.

I'm telling you that there are still

experimental things going on out there.

There was somebody I read about
who's from Italy.

- Michael, stop. Stop.
- He had a doctor...

It's everywhere.

It's in my brain.

And, actually, I'm relieved.

I know where I stand now.

Come on.

Are you...

Are you afraid to die?

I'm afraid of what the end looks like,

but am I afraid of dying?

I've had a great life, Mike.

And I want you to be happy, too.

That includes meeting someone.

No. Please don't do...

I really appreciate that,
but I can't talk about that right now.

Okay.

Did you have sex with Sebastian?

Yes.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry that I made you carry

so much of my baggage for so many years

and making you feel like
the bad guy so many times

when you didn't deserve to.

I'm sorry I never told you

how good your ass looks
in your khaki pants.

'Cause it does.

And I couldn't do it 'cause I was afraid

if you understood how beautiful you are

that you'd leave me.

And I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you.

I would like to try some of this pot.

Oh, my God.

Don't laugh. I'm not kidding.

If I don't try pot with you...

Okay.

I can't believe it.

Okay, take this.

- I can...
- That's the pot?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

No. Other end. You...

- Gonna eat it.
- Jesus.

That's right.

Now...

Have a hit.

Oh, wow.

Oh, God.

It hurts.

Have some... Take a sip. Take a sip.

Okay.

I don't feel it. It's not working.

Well, try again. Have another hit.

- Okay.
- You can do it.

Hold, hold, hold.

Exhale.

Exhale my smoke.

I don't know.

Oh?

Maybe I feel...

I don't know.

Welcome to the Stoners Club,
Michael Ausiello.

We've been waiting for you
for a long time.

And now you know how

Cherry Garcia feels.

Let's get married, Mike.

- Are you joking?
- No, I want to.

We've been through so much.

We're about to go through more.

I want to be your husband.

You're calling me chattel.

- That's what you said.
- Michael.

- Chattel.
- Will you marry me?

Oh, my God.

No rush, Mike, but I feel obliged
to tell you that I'm dying here.

Yes. Yes.

They here? You see them?

- Hi!
- Hi.

Look at these grooms. Gorgeous.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, my God.

- You look great.
- Oh, my God!

Hey, get out of my shot!
What are you doing?

Cut! All right, everybody cut! Cut!

Look at this. You look great.

- Okay.
- You okay?

Yeah. Yes.

- You excited?
- Yes.

All electronic devices in the bin.

Mike, come see this.

Look how pretty this is.

- We're walking fast.
- Yes.

- Hello. Hi.
- Hi.

- How can I help you?
- So, that is our marriage certificate.

- Oh, marriage certificate.
- And his birth certificate.

Sign... I've got a pen.

I brought one with me. Yes.

- Thank you.
- Sign right here.

Congratulations on your marriage.

Do you, Christopher "Cowhan,"

solemnly declare Michael "Auswello"

to be your husband?

I do.

Do you promise to love, honor

and keep him for as long
as you both shall live?

I do.

Do you, Michael "Auswello"...

- Ausiello.
- ...solemnly declare

Christopher "Cowhan" to be your husband?

I do.

Do you promise to love, honor

and keep him for as long
as you both shall live?

I do.

By the power vested in me
by the great state of New York,

I now pronounce you married.

You may seal your vows with a kiss.

We have news, and this time, it's good.

- Okay.
- Mike and I got married.

What?

Oh, wow. Tell me everything.

- It was quick.
- Yeah. We decided last night.

Bob, the boys got married.

That's incredible. Congratulations!

We got one last Christmas together.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Here. Let me take the bags.
- Yes. Yes.

- Where is he? Where is he?
- Hi, Mom. Dad.

Hi, honey. Hi. Hi.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

- How you doing?
- Hi. I'm good.

Hey, Dad.

Some tissue paper.

It's for the tree.

A bird.

Oh, that is sweet.

It's a partridge in a pear tree.

It's beautiful.

I'm gonna hang this up right now.

Bob, sing the song.

- Come on. Here we go.
- Bob, don't you dare.

- Bob.
- Michael says...

- Bob, sing us a little...
- Michael doesn't know, Bob.

No, sing the song, Bob.

And we watched our favorite show,
Drag Race.

RuPaul's holiday spectacular.

Michael.

Hi.

Hey.

Kit. Hey.

- You have a visitor.
- Who?

Sebastian.

I'm gonna go get a Diet Coke,
if you want to come.

- Yeah, okay.
- You come and get some coffee?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Could you hold that for me? Thank you.

Thank you for letting me see him.

How long does he have?

Couple of hours.

Maybe more, maybe less.

He can hear you.

Talk to him.

Tell him you love him.

Assure him you'll be okay without him.

I'm so sorry.

I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you.

I will forever and ever.

Don't be scared, sweetie pie.

Don't be scared.

We're all here.

Kitty.

You go whenever you need to, son.

We'll be okay.

Yeah, we'll be okay. We'll be okay.

And cut. That's cut, everybody.

Let's take five.

Okay. That felt good, right?

- Yeah.
- Nice.

Can I get my sides?

What if this didn't have to happen?

- Sorry. Thanks.
- Yeah.

What if this were just a scene
from our story?

- Reset!
- Resetting.

A scene from the TV show of our life.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

How amazing would that be?

If none of this was real.

If I could just go back
to being a TV journalist

and you could be an actor on a show.

Excuse me, Kit. Excuse me.

Hey. Can I help you?

Yes, I'm Michael Ausiello with TVLine.

I know you're super busy,
but I was wondering

if you wouldn't mind
answering a few quick questions.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

- Go ahead.
- Great.

Hey, Kit, we need last looks.

Oh.

I'd love to stay and talk,
but it looks like I've...

- I got to...
- Oh, gosh.

If you don't mind, I'd really like to get

your feelings, your thoughts
on a couple of things.

Hey, Kit. They're calling for you.

Please, this won't take long.

I promise.
I just really need a moment with him.

- Okay? Okay?
- It's okay. It's fine.

- Okay.
- It's fine.

- Go ahead.
- First question,

your character on the show
has been very popular,

and everyone hates to see you go,
so what is next for you?

I don't know.

There are a lot
of possibilities out there,

so I don't know
what's next for me, honestly.

You know, it's strange.

Everyone will still be here,

and I'll be gone.

And how do you feel right now?

Great question.

I guess I feel like I'll

miss this.

I'll miss this a lot.

Camera's ready. Kit, we really got to go.

No. Please, one more second.
Just one more.

- Just one question.
- Shoot. Go ahead.

What about me, Kit?

What should I do next?

You'll know.

Okay, we're back in.

Okay. Got it. I'm coming.

So, have you got everything you need?

You're gonna be okay.

Yeah.

I'm gonna be okay.

It's gonna be incredibly hard,

but I'm gonna be okay.

Thank you for the past 13 years.

Thank you for giving me a family.

Thank you for loving me.

Kit.

You can go now.

I was always afraid
Kit would break my heart.

And, eventually, he did.

But not in the way I feared he would.

He broke it open in a way that

somehow made room for even more love,

both to receive and to give.

And so, I hope that you'll understand me

when I say that this ride with Kit
was, to me, a gift.

It was the greatest honor
I believe I will ever have

to have been by his side for it all.

Okay. Hey, Marilyn.

I need to breathe. I need to breathe.

It's a car.

Oh, God.

I think he would've liked your eulogy.

I think he would've thought
it was too long.

Well, probably.

What are you gonna do next?

I mean, besides

triathlons.

I've never been to Spain,

and I always wanted to see
that funny-looking museum.

- The Guggenheim in Bilbao?
- Yes. Yes.

Yes, that's funny.

In the pictures, it looks like a big ship.

It does look like a ship.

- Do you think?
- Yeah, it does.

I don't know, I'd just like
to get away for a while.

That sounds really nice.

New scenery to run in.

Oh.

Yeah, all the running stays the same
if my knees hold on.

- Race you to the house.
- Okay.

The hardest thing about a story ending

is that you have to say goodbye
to your favorite characters.

To your favorite people.

A good TV show can make real life
seem like it makes sense.

And a good ending can feel
like the end of one thing

and the beginning of another.

Sometimes the hero dies.

Sometimes we only get 14 Christmas trees
when we thought we'd have 40.

And then an old friend reminded me

that sometimes the main character
has to take a leap of faith

that involves packing a suitcase

and traveling across the country.

I don't know.
Maybe that's too on the nose.

- Hi.
- Where we going?

JFK.

Where you off to?

Los Angeles.

That 405, man.

That thing takes no prisoners, huh?

I wanted our story
to be a picture-perfect,

happy-ending love story.

But what we got was a real love story.

I'm ready.

I'll just shut up now.

Oh, that's why I wanted my camera.

What?

I thought it looked like the sun.

These bubbles are very finicky.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Bye, now.