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All language subtitles for Everything.You.Always.Wanted.To.Know.About.Sex._.But.Were.Afraid.To.Ask.1972.720p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.AG]

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:40,435 --> 00:01:45,185 ♪ We're all alone, No chaperone can get our number 2 00:01:45,315 --> 00:01:47,315 ♪ The world's in slumber 3 00:01:47,442 --> 00:01:49,822 ♪ Let's misbehave! 4 00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:52,284 ♪ There's something wild About you, child 5 00:01:52,405 --> 00:01:54,615 ♪ That's so contagious 6 00:01:54,741 --> 00:01:57,041 ♪ Let's be outrageous 7 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,500 ♪ Let's misbehave! 8 00:01:59,621 --> 00:02:04,211 ♪ When Adam won Eve's hand, He wouldn't stand for teasin' 9 00:02:04,334 --> 00:02:08,884 ♪ He didn't care about those apples Out of season 10 00:02:09,005 --> 00:02:13,675 ♪ They say that Spring means Just one thing to little lovebirds 11 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,851 ♪ We're not above birds 12 00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,930 ♪ Let's misbehave... 13 00:02:45,708 --> 00:02:47,748 ♪ Let's misbehave 14 00:02:55,176 --> 00:02:56,466 ♪ Let's misbehave 15 00:02:56,594 --> 00:03:01,184 ♪ If you'd be just so sweet And only meet your fate, dear 16 00:03:01,307 --> 00:03:06,227 ♪ It would be the great event Of 1928, dear 17 00:03:15,738 --> 00:03:17,698 ♪ Let's misbehave 18 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:37,263 ♪ Let's misbehave ♪ 19 00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:53,898 Well... 20 00:03:55,278 --> 00:03:57,278 a most excellent feast! 21 00:03:57,405 --> 00:03:59,985 - Hear, hear! - Very good! 22 00:04:00,992 --> 00:04:03,912 Soon we will retire to the royal bedchamber. 23 00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:08,326 But first, as I have been victorious this week in battle... 24 00:04:10,001 --> 00:04:13,091 I wish to be amused. Bring me my fool. 25 00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:26,144 Good evening, Your Majesty. It's great to be back at the palace. 26 00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:30,187 You know what the palace is, 24 living rooms and a dungeon. 27 00:04:33,816 --> 00:04:37,946 But seriously, I love the king. He's one of the strongest men here, isn't he? 28 00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:41,660 He's the only one amongst us that can swim the moat lengthwise. 29 00:04:41,783 --> 00:04:43,163 Cos... 30 00:04:45,286 --> 00:04:47,706 I know you're out there, I can hear you breathing! 31 00:04:47,830 --> 00:04:50,710 But seriously, ladies and germs, I wanna say that, er... 32 00:04:50,833 --> 00:04:52,843 that plague is really something. 33 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,510 Doesn't everything look black? 34 00:04:56,422 --> 00:04:59,512 Cos it's a... a black... a black plague! 35 00:04:59,634 --> 00:05:01,974 Save it up and let me hear it at the end, big. 36 00:05:02,094 --> 00:05:06,144 And I love the new exercise His Majesty does to keep in shape. 37 00:05:06,265 --> 00:05:08,305 It's called taxing the peasants. 38 00:05:12,188 --> 00:05:15,268 But seriously, the... the best... thing... 39 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:19,649 I can't stand it any longer! He's not funny! 40 00:05:19,779 --> 00:05:23,199 I've cut men in half for making jokes as bad as that! 41 00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:26,334 - But, sire... - Get me a fool who's funny! 42 00:05:26,452 --> 00:05:29,122 Go on! The feast is over. 43 00:05:29,247 --> 00:05:31,247 Not funny! 44 00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:34,214 Come on! Out, out, out, out! 45 00:05:34,335 --> 00:05:36,625 I do a couple of impressions that you might like. 46 00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:39,424 I'm one of the few guys that can do the King of France. 47 00:05:39,549 --> 00:05:41,299 Not his voice, his walk. 48 00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:45,755 If you've ever noticed, he'll have that funny motion when he walks. 49 00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:50,730 Don't everybody burst into spontaneous applause on this... 50 00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:13,683 - Look where thou goest, fool! - Forgive me, I beg your puberty. 51 00:06:13,708 --> 00:06:16,878 Thou hast dropped the royal rubies and emeralds! 52 00:06:17,003 --> 00:06:20,173 I fain wouldst pick it up and pin it and fain well on thy fain. 53 00:06:20,298 --> 00:06:22,588 - Aye, pin! - Yes, extend thy fain, madam. 54 00:06:22,717 --> 00:06:26,297 - And on the knocker it hangs. Perfect. - Knock! 55 00:06:26,429 --> 00:06:28,259 Didst I feel aright? 56 00:06:28,389 --> 00:06:32,639 Or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel? 57 00:06:32,768 --> 00:06:36,938 Oh, madam, not I. I surely would never lay my hands on the royal tomatoes. 58 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,444 Tomatoes? 59 00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:41,646 Hearken to me, if my husband the king and my son the doctor 60 00:06:41,777 --> 00:06:46,027 walketh near upon these paved paths and heareth what thou sayest, 61 00:06:46,157 --> 00:06:48,277 thy life would not be worth a plug nickel! 62 00:06:48,409 --> 00:06:51,079 But so beautiful do they lay one on either side. 63 00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:54,043 That's the way they were made, fool. Away with thee! 64 00:07:00,421 --> 00:07:02,421 I fell on my bells! 65 00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:07,798 TB or not TB? 66 00:07:08,888 --> 00:07:11,718 That is the congestion. 67 00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:14,389 Consumption be done about it? 68 00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:16,518 Of cough. Of cough. 69 00:07:17,563 --> 00:07:19,613 Oh, Jesus! 70 00:07:19,732 --> 00:07:21,982 My jokes grow stale. 71 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:24,609 I would my life take for a bare bodkin. 72 00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:28,196 If only I could see the queen's bare bodkin. 73 00:07:28,866 --> 00:07:31,656 Or anybody's bare bodkin, for that matter. 74 00:07:31,786 --> 00:07:34,536 Or a bodkin with a little clothes on it even. 75 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,212 I'm so melancholy. 76 00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:39,883 Guildenstern and Rosencrantz are dead! 77 00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:42,092 Their tailor shop is closed. 78 00:07:42,213 --> 00:07:44,263 Felix! 79 00:07:44,382 --> 00:07:48,012 - Who calls my name? - Felix! 80 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,965 No one knows I'm here. Not even my service. 81 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:56,559 I am the ghost of thy father. 82 00:07:56,686 --> 00:07:58,766 My father... 83 00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:01,766 You who died in childbirth. 84 00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:04,489 I cannot rest 85 00:08:04,610 --> 00:08:08,860 unless thee makes it with the queen. 86 00:08:08,990 --> 00:08:12,990 But she is a queen and I am a base-born fool. 87 00:08:13,119 --> 00:08:15,499 I can't screw above my station. 88 00:08:15,621 --> 00:08:18,961 You must know, my son, 89 00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:23,173 that thy uncle, my father, 90 00:08:23,295 --> 00:08:26,045 poured hemlock in my ear. 91 00:08:27,383 --> 00:08:29,013 Why? 92 00:08:29,135 --> 00:08:34,765 Don't ask me why. He does that with everybody. 93 00:08:34,890 --> 00:08:37,520 Whenever he sees an ear, 94 00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:42,274 he likes to pour hemlock in it. 95 00:08:42,398 --> 00:08:45,148 Oh, Father! 96 00:08:45,276 --> 00:08:48,896 See the sorcerer, my son. 97 00:08:49,030 --> 00:08:51,160 The sorcerer! 98 00:08:53,159 --> 00:08:55,239 The sorcerer... 99 00:08:56,287 --> 00:08:58,327 He's gone. 100 00:08:58,456 --> 00:09:00,616 Do I dare sleep with the queen? 101 00:09:00,750 --> 00:09:02,790 And will she sleep with me? 102 00:09:02,918 --> 00:09:06,548 Although she sleeps with the king, and he wears leotards. 103 00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:08,512 The sorcerer... 104 00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:12,177 Ah, an aphrodisiac! 105 00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:18,556 Do you want a soft one? 106 00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:23,314 A strong one? Or one that will... hmm...? 107 00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:27,278 I'd like anything I can get without a prescription. 108 00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,781 Ha-ha-ha! 109 00:09:29,904 --> 00:09:35,744 This, placed softly in the queen's drink, 110 00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:38,368 will make her blood boil. 111 00:09:38,496 --> 00:09:44,036 Her passion, unbridled, lustful. 112 00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:47,088 - In other words... - The hots for me. 113 00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:51,006 Exactly. 114 00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:53,093 But be cautious. 115 00:09:53,219 --> 00:09:57,429 For if His Majesty should get wind of thy intent, 116 00:09:57,556 --> 00:10:00,426 he will cut off your legs, 117 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:04,559 your arms and your head. 118 00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:08,404 Right... Five out of six is not bad. 119 00:10:08,526 --> 00:10:10,526 Now go. 120 00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:11,993 Yes, sir. 121 00:10:12,113 --> 00:10:14,323 I think your eggs are done. 122 00:10:22,915 --> 00:10:25,325 - Halt! Who goes there? - It's just the fool. 123 00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,749 What business have you in the royal chamber? 124 00:10:27,878 --> 00:10:30,548 I was just bringing Her Majesty her orange juice. 125 00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:33,093 But why you? Where is her usual servant? 126 00:10:33,217 --> 00:10:36,137 He lies ill on the kitchen floor with the pox. 127 00:10:36,262 --> 00:10:38,222 A terrible pox all over his socks. 128 00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:43,097 - Get thee hence, fool. - Yes, I'm getting hence. Immediately. 129 00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:45,647 D'you like the way I fooled these guys? 130 00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:01,952 Fool, what dost thou in my chamber? 131 00:11:02,079 --> 00:11:06,879 Madam, I fell by for perchance you might like a drink, a nice, soothing potion. 132 00:11:07,001 --> 00:11:09,591 Aye, well, I do confess a thirst. Bringst to me. 133 00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:13,592 Yes. Wouldst grab some of this potion before the fizz goes out. 134 00:11:13,716 --> 00:11:16,466 - Isn't it wonderful? - It bubbleth greatly. 135 00:11:16,594 --> 00:11:18,644 Wolf some down, my lady. 136 00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,182 Cheerst! 137 00:11:20,306 --> 00:11:21,926 And Roebuck. 138 00:11:28,189 --> 00:11:30,649 It go down bubblest, but it's fine. 139 00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:34,154 Takest away. 140 00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:40,243 Well, I have to go back now to the dungeon, 141 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,787 to get a deposit on the goblet. 142 00:11:44,538 --> 00:11:46,748 Wait! Fool, come here. 143 00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:52,964 I have o'er me this extraordinary warmth that is flowing through my veins, 144 00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:58,388 that makes me wisht - nay, longst - thou should run amok over my entire body. 145 00:11:58,510 --> 00:12:01,010 Make love to me now. Ravage me and take me now. Take me. 146 00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:04,808 - It'll be my pleasure. - Take me to the bed. Make love to me. 147 00:12:04,934 --> 00:12:08,024 - Yes. To the... To the bed. - Lead me there, fool. 148 00:12:08,145 --> 00:12:10,685 - Yes, I am. - For this passion groweth within me. 149 00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:13,694 - Right. Come quickly. - I cannot walk fast, fool. 150 00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:16,487 - The passion is so great. - Right. To the bed. 151 00:12:16,612 --> 00:12:18,452 Aye. Haste to the bed. 152 00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,622 Right, over here. 153 00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,411 Here. 154 00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,624 The potion will be under the pillow. 155 00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:27,075 In case you lose your hots, we can refurbish them. 156 00:12:27,206 --> 00:12:29,286 - Aye. Comest o'er! - Oh, yes. 157 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:32,956 - Run thy hands upon my body. - I shall. I shall reline your brakes. 158 00:12:33,087 --> 00:12:35,257 Aye. Mmm! Oh, God! 159 00:12:36,006 --> 00:12:38,966 Nay, I needst the feel of naked flesh against flesh. 160 00:12:39,093 --> 00:12:42,223 I'm all out of naked flesh. But will the velvet do? 161 00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:45,560 - Kiss me quick. - Yes. Where is your quick? 162 00:12:45,683 --> 00:12:48,983 - Shh. Canst undress me now? - I'm kissing my own arm! 163 00:12:50,813 --> 00:12:53,823 Yes. Up quickly and I will remove the royal dress. 164 00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:58,149 Oh, God... Mmm! Oh, God! 165 00:12:58,279 --> 00:13:01,199 Takest off. Pullst not upon me so! 166 00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:06,450 On thy feet, fool. This is not mockery. This is not games. 167 00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:08,658 Ah! Oh, God... 168 00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:15,497 At la...! What... What's this? Heavy underwear. 169 00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:19,339 'Tis the chastity belt that the jealous king hath fastened on me 170 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:23,296 that no man but him shallst havest the goodst of the body. 171 00:13:23,429 --> 00:13:25,889 That's a bad break for all of us here at the palace. 172 00:13:26,015 --> 00:13:28,015 Yes... Yes... Wait! Wait here. 173 00:13:28,142 --> 00:13:29,812 I will go. 174 00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:35,941 Here, now, with most grievous dispatch, I will open the latch 175 00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:38,276 and get to her snatch. 176 00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:41,363 - Quickly. - Good, aye. 177 00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,528 All right, hold that. 178 00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:45,697 This key is too big for that lock. 179 00:13:51,165 --> 00:13:53,245 J-J-Just move back. 180 00:13:55,753 --> 00:13:57,803 Sorry about that. 181 00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:02,931 I must think of something quickly. 182 00:14:03,052 --> 00:14:07,312 Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting. 183 00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:13,483 Her Majesty wishes to borrow this. 184 00:14:13,604 --> 00:14:18,404 She has some food stuck between her teeth and I need to pull it out. 185 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,395 Forgive me... 186 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,107 Whoops! 187 00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:32,788 No! 188 00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:35,665 This is what they call beaver shooting. 189 00:14:41,298 --> 00:14:43,428 I wouldst pick this lock. 190 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:52,560 - There. - We did it. It's done. 191 00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,064 And now I am yours. 192 00:14:54,186 --> 00:14:57,856 At last, the portals of ecstasy. You have got portals of ecstasy? 193 00:14:57,981 --> 00:15:01,991 Be prepared! His Majesty has this day been awakened by a loud banging! 194 00:15:02,111 --> 00:15:05,821 Be prepared! His Majesty has this day been awakened by a loud banging! 195 00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:09,198 - He will cleave thee in twain. - Yes. Cleave me in twain. 196 00:15:09,326 --> 00:15:12,196 Twain over here and the other twain on the other side of the room. 197 00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:14,369 Aye, onst chopping block. 198 00:15:14,498 --> 00:15:16,578 Yes. I do not look good in twain. 199 00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:20,998 - My suits are made for a whole person. - I shall not have this passion fulfilled. 200 00:15:21,130 --> 00:15:26,510 Well, quickly, lock up the... the thing that you have there. Lock the royal box! 201 00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:28,465 Quickly! Quickly! Before... 202 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:32,055 - Help me. Help me. - I'mst helping, but... 203 00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:34,232 Aye, 'tis done. 204 00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:36,941 'Tis locked solid. More solid than any... 205 00:15:37,062 --> 00:15:39,902 My hand! 'Tis caught in the chastity belt. 206 00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:42,733 I always get my hand in the cookie jar, so to speak. 207 00:15:42,860 --> 00:15:44,950 The king approaches. What canst we do? 208 00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:46,410 - The king? - Aye! 209 00:15:48,866 --> 00:15:51,986 Quickly! Into the dress immediately. 210 00:15:53,245 --> 00:15:56,165 My queen! Where is my queen? 211 00:15:56,290 --> 00:15:58,880 Very casual. As though nothing had happened. 212 00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:00,541 Queen! 213 00:16:00,669 --> 00:16:04,839 Oh, my queen, a most dreadful pounding did awaken me. 214 00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:07,425 Making my mood most foul! 215 00:16:07,551 --> 00:16:09,891 Oh, my lord didst startle me. 216 00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:14,142 Aye, my lord. Be a good king, wouldst thou, and get me a drink of water? 217 00:16:14,266 --> 00:16:18,096 The fool hath made the most jestfully quipping in thine absence. 218 00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:21,358 Aye, my lord! Tickling the royal funny bone, so to speak. 219 00:16:21,482 --> 00:16:24,572 Because, you see, 'tis most lonely when thou nappest. 220 00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,573 Aye, my lord. For me, too. 221 00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:31,195 I still don't think he's funny. 222 00:16:31,325 --> 00:16:33,535 I got some new ones for you, my lord. 223 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:37,870 What's black and white, black and white, black and white and black and white? 224 00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:40,208 A nun falling down the stairs. 225 00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:44,254 Come, give me a kiss. 226 00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:46,799 - Of course. Stick out your tongue. - Not you! 227 00:16:46,924 --> 00:16:49,014 Now begone! 228 00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:51,604 - That damn fool! - No! 229 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,220 I... I will accompany thee to the door. 230 00:16:56,475 --> 00:16:58,305 At last. 231 00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:00,805 At last, we are alone. 232 00:17:00,938 --> 00:17:03,318 - Aye, my lord. - Come to me. 233 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,440 My lord, I wouldst... 234 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,607 - Nay! Kiss me not! - To the bed! 235 00:17:09,154 --> 00:17:11,534 I will soon find that key. Where is't? 236 00:17:11,657 --> 00:17:14,737 Ah! Here it is! 237 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,103 Tickles! 238 00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:48,485 Aye, my lord. 239 00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:53,120 Remember you said that if I was ever in town I should look up your wife? 240 00:17:56,785 --> 00:18:01,495 I don't know what everybody's getting so upset for. I never humped her. 241 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:07,169 Just clean up my neck a little and leave the top full. 242 00:18:40,621 --> 00:18:42,621 Your case. 243 00:18:54,926 --> 00:18:56,006 So... 244 00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:57,846 Give me a good "ah". 245 00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,886 Down this side of my arm, mostly at night. 246 00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:06,017 I don't notice it as much in the daytime, but at night it bothers me. 247 00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:08,856 I don't want to hurt you, but how far up can you raise it? 248 00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:11,612 Mr Milos, would you come with me, please? 249 00:19:17,366 --> 00:19:20,616 Come in, Mr Milos. Come in. Sit down right over here. 250 00:19:20,744 --> 00:19:23,964 I just want to get some history on you first. 251 00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:27,455 So... 252 00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:30,464 - Your name is...? - Stavros Milos. 253 00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:32,587 - And your address? - Armenia. 254 00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:35,720 - Armenia? - I am from Armenia. 255 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:38,302 - I am visiting my brother. - I see. 256 00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:41,808 - Erm... Occupation? - Shepherd. 257 00:19:41,932 --> 00:19:44,602 - A shepherd? - My whole family. 258 00:19:44,726 --> 00:19:48,356 Except for my brother over here, who is a rug salesman. 259 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,530 - Have you had any major illnesses? - No. 260 00:19:51,650 --> 00:19:53,150 None. Good. 261 00:19:54,277 --> 00:19:58,617 So... Now, what seems to be the trouble? 262 00:19:58,740 --> 00:20:02,290 - I'm in love with a sheep. - I beg your pardon? 263 00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:06,035 I am in love with a sheep. 264 00:20:28,812 --> 00:20:31,112 Oh... I see. 265 00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:35,401 You see, doctor, up there in the mountains where I tend my flocks, 266 00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:37,947 it's so beautiful under the starry skies. 267 00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:41,281 And I am alone. And sometimes it gets so lonely. 268 00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:45,618 And the hours pass. And soon I desire a woman. 269 00:20:45,746 --> 00:20:47,786 But, doctor, there are no women. 270 00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:49,624 I am not married and... 271 00:20:50,709 --> 00:20:54,129 Well... one night last summer, 272 00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:56,594 I could stand it no longer. 273 00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:59,795 My body needed to be satisfied. 274 00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:04,006 - And then... I saw her. - Her? 275 00:21:04,139 --> 00:21:06,599 - Daisy. - Sheep? 276 00:21:06,725 --> 00:21:10,055 I took Daisy off to a little cove, 277 00:21:10,187 --> 00:21:13,817 and there, under the Armenian sky, had sexual intercourse. 278 00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:21,074 - With the sheep? - Naturally. 279 00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:28,075 Oh... God. 280 00:21:28,205 --> 00:21:31,745 It was the greatest lay I ever had. 281 00:21:33,543 --> 00:21:35,213 Mr Milos... 282 00:21:35,337 --> 00:21:40,337 Forgive me if I... seemed at all shocked. I'm sorry. 283 00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:43,757 Doctor, Mrs Gallbladder's on the phone about her rupture. 284 00:21:43,887 --> 00:21:45,967 Later. Later... 285 00:21:46,097 --> 00:21:48,887 Er... Mr Milos... 286 00:21:50,602 --> 00:21:53,062 Of course, I'm happy for the two of you. 287 00:21:53,188 --> 00:21:56,898 But, erm... I do have other patients. 288 00:21:57,025 --> 00:22:03,025 And unless there's some specific way that I could help you... 289 00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:05,906 Doctor. Doctor, please. One minute. 290 00:22:06,743 --> 00:22:11,253 See, the point is she no longer loves me. 291 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:16,500 That's why I'm here. Because she's fallen out of love with me. 292 00:22:17,295 --> 00:22:21,295 - How can you tell that? - Oh, little things. 293 00:22:21,424 --> 00:22:24,054 She's cold. Indifferent. 294 00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:27,891 Speak to her. She'll listen to you. 295 00:22:28,014 --> 00:22:29,524 Mr Milos... 296 00:22:29,641 --> 00:22:31,181 You are... 297 00:22:32,477 --> 00:22:35,897 - crazy. - I brought her all the way from Armenia. 298 00:22:36,022 --> 00:22:39,322 My brother says you are a great doctor. You saved his life once. 299 00:22:39,442 --> 00:22:43,072 You need a psychiatrist. I am a medical doctor. 300 00:22:43,196 --> 00:22:45,816 Speak to her. Please? 301 00:22:45,949 --> 00:22:50,449 - I can't talk to a sheep. Are you nuts? - She's outside in my brother's truck. 302 00:22:50,579 --> 00:22:53,039 Would you get out of my office, please? 303 00:22:53,164 --> 00:22:55,504 I'm an MD. I'm not a veterinarian! 304 00:22:55,625 --> 00:22:58,455 - I bring her in. - Don't bring any sheep in this office! 305 00:22:58,587 --> 00:23:01,090 My mother just got finished paying for it! 306 00:23:01,115 --> 00:23:03,151 I know no great men of wisdom. 307 00:23:03,258 --> 00:23:07,718 - My brother says you are a great man. - I'm not! I'm just an ordinary GP. 308 00:23:07,846 --> 00:23:09,346 - That's all I am! - I'll get her. 309 00:23:09,472 --> 00:23:11,812 No! Mr Milos! You don't understand. 310 00:23:11,933 --> 00:23:17,023 It's not normal to experience mature love for anything with four legs! 311 00:23:17,147 --> 00:23:18,977 Wait till you meet her. 312 00:23:19,107 --> 00:23:21,147 I don't believe this. 313 00:23:31,703 --> 00:23:35,043 - Doctor, the prescription you gave me... - I can't. 314 00:23:35,165 --> 00:23:39,495 I'm sorry. I can't. Would you sit down? Would you sit down, Mrs...? 315 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,470 Doctor Ross, this is Daisy. 316 00:23:46,593 --> 00:23:48,353 Oh... Good. 317 00:23:48,470 --> 00:23:52,680 Erm... Why don't you take her right into my office? 318 00:23:53,934 --> 00:23:56,604 You'll have to excuse me. His sheep has... 319 00:23:56,728 --> 00:23:58,728 a strep throat. 320 00:24:03,860 --> 00:24:06,400 Mr Milos, I'm gonna have to call the police. 321 00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:10,579 Can we talk for a minute? Mr Milos, don't put that sheep on my desk! Please! 322 00:24:10,700 --> 00:24:13,120 You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't do that. 323 00:24:13,244 --> 00:24:16,754 - Isn't Daisy beautiful? - Yes, she is beautiful. 324 00:24:16,873 --> 00:24:18,673 Mr Milos... 325 00:24:18,792 --> 00:24:22,302 You're a very nice man. I don't want to see you get into any trouble. 326 00:24:22,420 --> 00:24:25,220 What I don't think you understand is that... 327 00:24:26,341 --> 00:24:30,931 you have a psychiatric problem. 328 00:24:31,054 --> 00:24:33,394 You really need to see... 329 00:24:34,683 --> 00:24:38,063 someone in the... in the... psychiatry field. 330 00:24:38,186 --> 00:24:41,856 I'm a medical doctor. Erm... 331 00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:56,327 I know you didn't... mean any harm... bringing this sheep in here, but... 332 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:00,920 I have patients, you know. 333 00:25:01,042 --> 00:25:02,922 Kidney problems and... 334 00:25:04,921 --> 00:25:06,801 heart problems and... 335 00:25:06,923 --> 00:25:09,513 Seeing a sheep just like that, it's... 336 00:25:14,014 --> 00:25:16,854 Hello, Daisy. 337 00:25:16,975 --> 00:25:20,225 She's so... wonderful. 338 00:25:21,438 --> 00:25:24,768 I'm... I'm Dr Ross. 339 00:25:26,609 --> 00:25:28,609 Doug Ross. 340 00:25:33,616 --> 00:25:35,076 She's... 341 00:25:42,250 --> 00:25:43,590 Erm... 342 00:25:44,627 --> 00:25:47,087 Mr Milos, I, er... 343 00:25:48,923 --> 00:25:55,563 I'd like to see the two of you again, but right now my office is jammed full. 344 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,970 Oh, I knew you could help! 345 00:25:58,099 --> 00:25:59,889 Thank you, doctor. 346 00:26:00,018 --> 00:26:02,098 As a matter of fact, 347 00:26:02,228 --> 00:26:04,688 if I could see Daisy alone, 348 00:26:04,814 --> 00:26:07,074 maybe, you know, I... 349 00:26:07,192 --> 00:26:09,402 Anything. Anything! 350 00:26:17,786 --> 00:26:21,036 - Darling, what's the matter? - Nothing. 351 00:26:21,164 --> 00:26:24,214 I'm just a little tired, that's all. 352 00:26:24,334 --> 00:26:27,054 Why don't you turn in early, then? 353 00:26:36,888 --> 00:26:39,468 What are you doing? 354 00:26:39,599 --> 00:26:41,309 Oh, just nothing. 355 00:26:41,434 --> 00:26:44,314 No, you were fondling your lambswool sweater. 356 00:26:47,148 --> 00:26:50,688 I was not fondling my lambswool sweater! 357 00:26:50,819 --> 00:26:53,029 What would I do something like that for? 358 00:26:53,863 --> 00:26:55,283 Well, God knows! 359 00:27:02,038 --> 00:27:06,208 Doctor, Mr Milos brought in his sheep. 360 00:27:06,334 --> 00:27:08,344 She's here? 361 00:27:13,341 --> 00:27:15,011 All right, show her in. 362 00:27:35,405 --> 00:27:37,985 Thank you. You can... you can go. 363 00:27:50,128 --> 00:27:51,498 Hi... 364 00:27:53,006 --> 00:27:54,416 darling. 365 00:27:55,842 --> 00:27:59,392 I know this must all seem very strange to you. 366 00:28:00,889 --> 00:28:04,309 You from the hills of Armenia and me from Jackson Heights. 367 00:28:04,434 --> 00:28:07,944 And yet... I think it could work. 368 00:28:09,063 --> 00:28:11,323 If we gave it a chance. 369 00:28:19,991 --> 00:28:21,451 A room, please. 370 00:28:27,999 --> 00:28:30,039 Thank you very much. 371 00:28:30,168 --> 00:28:31,838 Wait a second. 372 00:28:33,296 --> 00:28:34,546 There you are. 373 00:28:37,383 --> 00:28:40,893 Do you want the "Do not disturb" sign on the door? 374 00:28:41,012 --> 00:28:43,972 Oh... That's all right. 375 00:28:44,098 --> 00:28:47,728 Ah, all right, yes. Thank you very much. 376 00:28:53,524 --> 00:28:57,864 Room service, this is Dr Ross in room 525. 377 00:28:57,987 --> 00:29:01,817 I would like to have some chilled white Burgundy, 378 00:29:01,950 --> 00:29:04,910 a little caviar and some grass. 379 00:29:06,162 --> 00:29:09,422 Oh, just plain, green grass. 380 00:29:11,876 --> 00:29:13,876 That's 525. 381 00:29:14,003 --> 00:29:15,423 Thank you. 382 00:29:20,343 --> 00:29:21,723 Daisy... 383 00:29:22,971 --> 00:29:24,511 Little Daisy. 384 00:29:26,557 --> 00:29:28,767 Let's be gentle. 385 00:29:35,149 --> 00:29:36,569 I'm, er... 386 00:29:36,693 --> 00:29:38,573 I can't... 387 00:29:38,695 --> 00:29:40,945 I'm exhausted. Just... 388 00:29:51,749 --> 00:29:55,499 Boy! That was really something. 389 00:29:57,672 --> 00:30:00,172 I never thought it could be like this. 390 00:30:01,259 --> 00:30:03,389 Never in my wildest imagination. 391 00:30:06,472 --> 00:30:08,732 You're really something special. 392 00:30:09,684 --> 00:30:11,854 I love our L-shaped room. 393 00:30:13,396 --> 00:30:16,356 I'll never forget these afternoons we've had. 394 00:30:18,860 --> 00:30:23,160 I don't think I've ever known such peace and happiness in my life. 395 00:30:24,449 --> 00:30:27,239 I hope you feel the same way. 396 00:30:42,008 --> 00:30:45,178 Sorry. I'm sorry, honey. I was out when you phoned. 397 00:30:45,303 --> 00:30:47,223 Emergency house call. 398 00:30:47,347 --> 00:30:49,677 Hmm, you smell good. 399 00:30:50,767 --> 00:30:52,557 - Darling? - Hmm? 400 00:30:52,685 --> 00:30:56,725 Is it my imagination, or do you always smell from lamb chops? 401 00:30:57,732 --> 00:31:02,532 Lamb chops? What kind of silly thing is that to say about lamb chops? 402 00:31:02,653 --> 00:31:06,123 How could I possibly smell of lamb chops? That's not logical. 403 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:09,160 What... kind of cheap suit is this? 404 00:31:09,285 --> 00:31:11,445 That's it with these suits. 405 00:31:26,010 --> 00:31:29,560 Ann! Wait a minute, I can explain! We're just friends. 406 00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:31,350 How could you? 407 00:31:31,474 --> 00:31:34,444 This is Mrs Bencourse, one of my patients. 408 00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:36,480 She thinks she's a sheep! 409 00:31:36,604 --> 00:31:40,324 That's all! There's nothing to it! 410 00:31:40,441 --> 00:31:45,611 Defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep. 411 00:31:45,738 --> 00:31:49,738 It's most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old. 412 00:31:49,867 --> 00:31:51,447 So what? 413 00:31:51,577 --> 00:31:55,747 So Ann's left me. So she's taken all my money, all my savings. 414 00:31:55,873 --> 00:31:57,923 My licence has been revoked. 415 00:31:59,127 --> 00:32:01,167 But I don't care. 416 00:32:01,295 --> 00:32:04,965 If you're willing, we'll get by somehow. 417 00:32:05,091 --> 00:32:07,221 I'll get a job. I don't know... 418 00:32:15,059 --> 00:32:17,099 We've been here for an hour. 419 00:32:20,356 --> 00:32:22,396 That's what I ordered. 420 00:32:22,525 --> 00:32:25,895 Waiter, I ordered two sauerkraut. I didn't order cake! 421 00:32:28,865 --> 00:32:31,485 - Waiter! - Don't call me waiter! 422 00:32:31,617 --> 00:32:34,497 I'm a doctor! You understand that? I'm not a waiter! 423 00:32:34,620 --> 00:32:37,670 I am a doctor! Don't call me waiter! I'm a doctor! 424 00:32:39,750 --> 00:32:41,500 Ah. Say "ah". 425 00:32:43,379 --> 00:32:46,379 Come here! Spread your legs apart! 426 00:32:46,507 --> 00:32:49,427 Couldn't you at least not have eaten this morning? 427 00:32:49,552 --> 00:32:52,312 Isn't that...? What kind of a mess is that in there? 428 00:32:57,059 --> 00:32:58,389 Daisy? 429 00:33:01,981 --> 00:33:03,151 Daisy? 430 00:33:03,900 --> 00:33:05,190 Honey? 431 00:33:09,030 --> 00:33:11,780 "'I have finally saved up enough money 432 00:33:11,908 --> 00:33:15,788 "'to come back to America and take my Daisy home. 433 00:33:15,912 --> 00:33:22,252 "'You did a terrible thing to me, but now I've taken Daisy to the mountains again, 434 00:33:22,376 --> 00:33:24,956 "'where you will never find her. 435 00:33:26,380 --> 00:33:28,590 ""Stavros Milos."" 436 00:34:50,214 --> 00:34:53,934 I have waited so long for this moment. 437 00:34:55,469 --> 00:34:58,309 Oh, Fabrizio, my darling, 438 00:34:58,431 --> 00:35:00,811 go easy on my hymen. 439 00:35:00,933 --> 00:35:03,563 Gina, your body to me is a cathedral. 440 00:35:05,271 --> 00:35:07,271 Now take off your pants. 441 00:35:11,611 --> 00:35:13,611 Didn't you like it? 442 00:35:15,197 --> 00:35:16,487 Yes. 443 00:35:17,950 --> 00:35:20,580 It didn't look like you were having fun to me. 444 00:35:23,247 --> 00:35:25,667 Yes. You were wonderful. 445 00:35:28,044 --> 00:35:32,304 But you just lay there, passive like a lox. 446 00:35:33,841 --> 00:35:37,431 It was my first time. Did you like it? 447 00:35:38,512 --> 00:35:42,392 Me? Are you kidding? More fun than laughing. 448 00:35:46,437 --> 00:35:49,937 Maybe next time, I'll be more relaxed. 449 00:35:52,526 --> 00:35:53,986 Yes... 450 00:35:57,531 --> 00:36:00,411 Brava! Bravissima! 451 00:36:00,534 --> 00:36:04,084 Marcello, do you know anything about frigidity? 452 00:36:06,248 --> 00:36:10,418 It's all in the foreplay. A woman needs to be played with before you lay her. 453 00:36:10,544 --> 00:36:12,304 How long? 454 00:36:12,421 --> 00:36:14,881 Fifteen minutes, half hour... depends on the woman. 455 00:36:15,007 --> 00:36:16,797 What about your wife? 456 00:36:16,926 --> 00:36:18,546 Thirty seconds. 457 00:36:19,387 --> 00:36:21,427 Lucky! 458 00:36:22,431 --> 00:36:24,981 Don't tell me Gina's a problem. 459 00:36:25,101 --> 00:36:27,311 No... it's not that. 460 00:36:28,187 --> 00:36:32,397 Do you fondle her before putting it in? 461 00:36:32,525 --> 00:36:35,735 Put what in? Oh, no! 462 00:36:35,861 --> 00:36:39,951 I don't like to talk about Gina like she's a whore. 463 00:36:40,074 --> 00:36:42,704 How long have you been married now? 464 00:36:42,827 --> 00:36:44,697 Six weeks. 465 00:36:45,579 --> 00:36:49,709 Play with her. Fondle her. 466 00:36:49,834 --> 00:36:54,674 It's always the man's fault. Any woman can be made to feel ecstasy. 467 00:36:55,798 --> 00:36:59,218 Marcello, last week, in the middle of... of... 468 00:36:59,343 --> 00:37:02,353 She was watching television. 469 00:37:02,471 --> 00:37:05,061 You must be doing something wrong. 470 00:37:06,016 --> 00:37:10,146 Some women take longer. 471 00:37:11,522 --> 00:37:15,072 Find her erogenous zones. 472 00:37:15,192 --> 00:37:21,452 Her father gave me a map of them, and still... 473 00:37:29,623 --> 00:37:31,293 Okay, turn over. 474 00:37:31,417 --> 00:37:37,207 Over. I want to do a quick check on some parts I missed. 475 00:37:42,136 --> 00:37:43,386 Foreplay... 476 00:37:44,847 --> 00:37:47,267 Foreplay... 477 00:37:48,476 --> 00:37:53,146 Foreplay, foreplay. Oh... 478 00:37:54,774 --> 00:37:56,784 Foreplay... 479 00:37:58,194 --> 00:38:00,114 Foreplay... 480 00:38:02,156 --> 00:38:03,816 Foreplay... 481 00:38:09,705 --> 00:38:13,625 Fabrizio, there is nothing the church can do for you. 482 00:38:13,751 --> 00:38:18,171 If I could, I would be glad to try and make your wife come, 483 00:38:18,297 --> 00:38:19,757 but that is impossible. 484 00:38:19,882 --> 00:38:22,342 At least you get pleasure from her. 485 00:38:22,468 --> 00:38:25,598 Maybe someday, she will get it from you. 486 00:38:59,839 --> 00:39:05,469 And here will be my new offices. A hundred people will work under me. 487 00:39:05,594 --> 00:39:08,064 Yes, yes. 488 00:39:08,180 --> 00:39:12,850 But tell me about your sex life... your wife. 489 00:39:15,104 --> 00:39:20,444 She moans and screams and claws my back. 490 00:39:21,318 --> 00:39:23,988 Six, seven times, 491 00:39:24,113 --> 00:39:27,743 she heaves to my one, like a wolf in heat. 492 00:39:27,867 --> 00:39:33,037 Mine lays there and stares at the ceiling. Like a dead one. 493 00:39:33,163 --> 00:39:36,253 Are you... small? 494 00:39:37,585 --> 00:39:42,005 Small? Like a French bread. Small? 495 00:39:42,131 --> 00:39:44,841 Okay. Then I don't know. 496 00:39:55,019 --> 00:39:57,689 - You're depressed still. - No. 497 00:39:59,023 --> 00:40:00,653 I'm fine. 498 00:40:04,194 --> 00:40:06,704 You're still thinking about it. 499 00:40:07,406 --> 00:40:10,736 Because I love you, because you're so beautiful, 500 00:40:10,868 --> 00:40:13,368 and I want you to love me loving you. 501 00:40:13,495 --> 00:40:14,825 Please... 502 00:40:32,181 --> 00:40:36,191 - What are you doing? - Take me. Do it to me. 503 00:40:37,353 --> 00:40:40,193 - Here? - Yes, yes... 504 00:40:46,236 --> 00:40:48,946 - There's people all around. - I don't care. 505 00:40:53,077 --> 00:40:57,827 - We could get caught! - I know, I know. Do it. 506 00:41:00,084 --> 00:41:02,094 Do it! 507 00:41:02,211 --> 00:41:05,091 Oh, my God! Now she wants it! 508 00:41:36,203 --> 00:41:39,423 Life plays strange tricks on me. 509 00:41:39,540 --> 00:41:44,000 At the gallery she comes like an express train. 510 00:41:44,128 --> 00:41:47,798 The next night in bed, she lays there... 511 00:41:49,299 --> 00:41:55,679 It's the danger, my friend. The fear of being caught. 512 00:41:56,515 --> 00:42:00,935 The sinful, mischievous, naughty tempting of fate. 513 00:42:02,980 --> 00:42:05,150 That's what she needs. 514 00:42:06,942 --> 00:42:10,282 Mark my words. 515 00:42:11,822 --> 00:42:13,822 No question. 516 00:42:13,949 --> 00:42:16,539 She is weird-city. 517 00:42:16,660 --> 00:42:18,750 Well, then... 518 00:42:29,089 --> 00:42:31,429 Did anyone see Fabrizio? 519 00:42:37,347 --> 00:42:41,347 Fabrizio, listen carefully to what I say. You'll get caught. 520 00:42:41,477 --> 00:42:43,847 It's dangerous. Don't do it! 521 00:42:43,979 --> 00:42:48,649 We were nearly caught last week. 522 00:42:48,776 --> 00:42:51,146 At the church. In the confessional. 523 00:42:51,278 --> 00:42:54,318 I still have a charley horse. 524 00:42:57,659 --> 00:42:59,869 Stop it before it's too late. 525 00:43:23,268 --> 00:43:24,898 Ah! Ow! 526 00:43:43,163 --> 00:43:45,833 Are you angry with me? 527 00:43:45,958 --> 00:43:49,628 I love you. At least we know you're not frigid. 528 00:43:51,797 --> 00:43:54,837 As long as we do it in public. 529 00:43:56,093 --> 00:43:58,303 You'll get used to it. 530 00:43:59,304 --> 00:44:05,194 - I'll try. - I knew we'd work things out. 531 00:44:50,856 --> 00:44:54,106 Do we have to get there that early? Where is it written that we do? 532 00:44:54,234 --> 00:44:57,364 Oh, Sam! It's Julie's fiancé's parents. You wanna be late? 533 00:44:57,487 --> 00:44:59,277 Listen, Tess. 534 00:44:59,406 --> 00:45:03,826 - I haven't been feeling well lately. - Oh, come on. It's just psychosomatic. 535 00:45:03,952 --> 00:45:06,292 A tension headache by you is psychosomatic. 536 00:45:06,413 --> 00:45:09,253 All of a sudden, you've become a psychiatrist? 537 00:45:09,374 --> 00:45:12,844 Stop complaining. It's Alvin's parents, so it's an obligation. 538 00:45:12,961 --> 00:45:16,591 - An obligation? - I don't like them any more than you do. 539 00:45:16,715 --> 00:45:19,675 Or should I say it's them that look down their noses at us? 540 00:45:19,801 --> 00:45:23,011 I heard that! I think you're both a little paranoid. 541 00:45:23,138 --> 00:45:27,848 Alvin's parents are lovely people. They like both of you very much. 542 00:45:33,106 --> 00:45:37,186 That's what I call a lawn. Nice, clipped. Not like my house, overgrown. 543 00:45:37,319 --> 00:45:39,609 - Did you hear George and I...? - Who's your gardener? 544 00:45:39,738 --> 00:45:41,818 - Me! Me! - You're the gardener? 545 00:45:41,949 --> 00:45:44,409 - Of course. - Sam, did you see the roses? 546 00:46:08,850 --> 00:46:12,900 - Can you give me the recipe? - You didn't make this yourself? 547 00:46:13,021 --> 00:46:16,021 - Excuse me. - Where are you going, Sam? 548 00:46:16,149 --> 00:46:17,729 To the bathroom. 549 00:46:17,859 --> 00:46:20,199 Upstairs, first door to the left. 550 00:46:38,755 --> 00:46:44,335 Yes. We prefer Bermuda to Puerto Rico, let's say. It's much nicer. 551 00:46:49,975 --> 00:46:54,725 Of course, I enjoy wearing a formal gown once in a while, 552 00:46:54,855 --> 00:46:59,355 but when I'm on vacation, I like to relax and wear slacks 553 00:46:59,484 --> 00:47:03,704 or little skirts and blouses and sweet little hats. 554 00:47:03,822 --> 00:47:07,242 We, er... Your husband and I had quite a talk. 555 00:47:07,367 --> 00:47:10,947 He's a very... gentle man. Very interesting. 556 00:47:18,170 --> 00:47:20,510 I'd love to. I've never seen wood carvings. 557 00:47:20,630 --> 00:47:24,760 Well, I mean African heads, and we picked them up in, er... 558 00:47:24,885 --> 00:47:26,635 - Bimini. - Bimini. 559 00:47:26,762 --> 00:47:30,432 We got them for a steal. You won't believe the price we paid for them. 560 00:47:30,557 --> 00:47:33,727 You want wood carvings? I'll show you wood carvings. Tell her. 561 00:47:33,852 --> 00:47:36,772 You simply must see these. They're absolutely... 562 00:48:05,675 --> 00:48:07,505 - George? - Yes, dear? 563 00:48:07,636 --> 00:48:10,176 They're on the top shelf in the closet. 564 00:48:10,305 --> 00:48:12,765 The closet or the bureau? 565 00:48:12,891 --> 00:48:14,941 Top shelf in the closet! 566 00:48:15,060 --> 00:48:16,980 Top shelf? Right. 567 00:48:50,470 --> 00:48:54,560 You know, Bimini is a free port and we got a marvellous buy on them. 568 00:48:59,896 --> 00:49:01,896 - From Bimini, the Bahamas. - Oh? 569 00:49:02,023 --> 00:49:04,073 - Beautiful, hm? - Uh... yes. 570 00:49:04,192 --> 00:49:08,362 Look at that detail. I'd like your husband to see these. 571 00:49:08,488 --> 00:49:10,068 Thief! Purse-snatcher! 572 00:49:11,658 --> 00:49:14,658 Thief! Help! Help! Get him! 573 00:49:19,875 --> 00:49:24,585 - Don't call the police! Oh, my God! - What happened? 574 00:49:25,630 --> 00:49:29,630 You know, I'm wondering... what could be taking Sam so long? 575 00:49:29,759 --> 00:49:33,349 - Would you excuse me for a second? - Certainly. 576 00:49:33,472 --> 00:49:37,852 - Are you all right, lady? - Just another crime in the street thing. 577 00:49:37,976 --> 00:49:41,856 It's an everyday happening. It just happened to me. 578 00:49:41,980 --> 00:49:45,070 - You're really lucky. - Lucky? Well, I don't know... 579 00:49:45,192 --> 00:49:48,952 - Sure, I coulda been dead! - Right. Absolutely right. 580 00:49:49,070 --> 00:49:53,280 - Did you have any valuables in it? - No, I don't think so. 581 00:49:53,408 --> 00:49:55,408 - You're probably wondering why... - Yes. 582 00:49:55,535 --> 00:49:59,615 I got a cold. It's dripping. I don't feel good altogether. 583 00:49:59,748 --> 00:50:03,788 - Oh, these young people today! - What can you do? What can you do? 584 00:50:03,919 --> 00:50:07,879 It's the society we're living in. But don't make a fuss. 585 00:50:09,591 --> 00:50:11,761 Sam, what did you do? Fall in? 586 00:50:16,264 --> 00:50:20,604 Are you sure you're all right? Officer, there was a bag stolen. 587 00:50:20,727 --> 00:50:23,727 All right! Who's the lady whose purse was snatched? 588 00:50:23,855 --> 00:50:27,565 It's perfectly OK, officer. I forgive the little rascal. 589 00:50:27,692 --> 00:50:30,152 I'm sorry, but I'll have to fill out a report. 590 00:50:30,278 --> 00:50:34,118 I don't wanna press charges. Really, you silly... 591 00:50:40,705 --> 00:50:44,165 - What's all the excitement about? - There's a crowd. And police! 592 00:50:44,292 --> 00:50:46,252 - Police? - Exciting! 593 00:50:46,378 --> 00:50:50,378 - You got me, too. I follow fire engines. - Let's look. 594 00:51:00,141 --> 00:51:02,601 - Name? - Erm... name? 595 00:51:02,727 --> 00:51:04,227 Er, Jasmine. 596 00:51:04,354 --> 00:51:06,234 Jasmine Glit. 597 00:51:06,356 --> 00:51:10,316 - Oh, that's a very unusual name. - Oh, you're sweet! 598 00:51:10,443 --> 00:51:14,363 - What seems to be the trouble, officer? - It's just a purse-snatching. 599 00:51:14,489 --> 00:51:16,159 Purse... 600 00:51:16,283 --> 00:51:19,043 I'm sorry, lady. I'm very sorry for you. 601 00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:21,040 - If I lose my baby, I... - Baby? 602 00:51:21,162 --> 00:51:22,622 - Yes. - Come in and lie down. 603 00:51:22,747 --> 00:51:25,037 - I'm three months pregnant. - I'm sorry. 604 00:51:25,166 --> 00:51:28,036 My gynaecologist told me to avoid excitement. 605 00:51:30,839 --> 00:51:33,169 - Please come inside and let me... - Nah, nah. 606 00:51:34,926 --> 00:51:38,046 My God! She's my husband! 607 00:51:38,179 --> 00:51:40,099 Sam... Sam Le... 608 00:51:40,223 --> 00:51:42,273 Yes! Sam Letterman! 609 00:51:42,392 --> 00:51:44,732 I'm a man! I'm a man. Here. See? 610 00:51:44,853 --> 00:51:47,273 Pull! Pull, George! Look. 611 00:51:47,397 --> 00:51:48,977 Zip me down. 612 00:51:49,107 --> 00:51:52,437 Yeah, look at this. Look at this. Look. 613 00:51:52,569 --> 00:51:55,609 - Huh? Look at this. - Oh, my God! 614 00:51:55,739 --> 00:52:00,909 Help me get this stuff off. Here! Take a look at that! 615 00:52:01,036 --> 00:52:03,996 Sam, you should've told me, that's all. 616 00:52:04,122 --> 00:52:06,122 I would've understood. 617 00:52:06,249 --> 00:52:09,539 It's not the kind of thing that's easy to talk about. 618 00:52:09,669 --> 00:52:13,339 Sam... we've been married for years. 619 00:52:13,465 --> 00:52:16,545 I love you. You love me. 620 00:52:16,676 --> 00:52:19,926 You could've come to me and said, "Tess... 621 00:52:21,181 --> 00:52:23,351 "I have a diseased mind. 622 00:52:23,475 --> 00:52:25,805 "I'm a sick individual. 623 00:52:25,935 --> 00:52:29,185 "I need help. I need treatment. 624 00:52:29,314 --> 00:52:31,324 "I'm perverted. 625 00:52:31,441 --> 00:52:35,031 "I'm unfit to function with normal, decent people." 626 00:52:36,029 --> 00:52:37,859 I would've understood. 627 00:52:37,989 --> 00:52:40,619 Thank you. Tess? 628 00:52:40,742 --> 00:52:44,452 - I'm gonna see Dr Fillmore next week. - I'm glad. 629 00:52:44,579 --> 00:52:46,499 You're wonderful. 630 00:52:50,710 --> 00:52:55,720 The look on their faces when the police removed your hat! 631 00:53:02,430 --> 00:53:04,770 ""What's My Perversion?" 632 00:53:04,891 --> 00:53:08,351 'Brought to you by Lancer, the hair conditioner for men.' 633 00:53:09,145 --> 00:53:11,305 You still using that same old stuff on your hair? 634 00:53:11,439 --> 00:53:12,979 Yeah. Why? 635 00:53:13,108 --> 00:53:14,528 Try this. 636 00:53:16,403 --> 00:53:18,743 - Lancer. Really? - Go ahead. 637 00:53:22,283 --> 00:53:24,203 This is great. No grease or oil. 638 00:53:24,327 --> 00:53:26,787 Right. Grooms and conditions at the same time. 639 00:53:26,913 --> 00:53:28,963 Smells great, too. 640 00:53:29,916 --> 00:53:33,036 Lancer. The conditioner that grooms and conditions. 641 00:53:35,922 --> 00:53:37,172 Good... 642 00:53:38,967 --> 00:53:41,797 'A dollar ninety-eight at drug and departments stores everywhere. 643 00:53:41,928 --> 00:53:43,888 'Lancer, for that better-groomed look. 644 00:53:44,013 --> 00:53:46,433 'A product of K Pharmaceuticals.' 645 00:53:53,148 --> 00:53:55,398 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. 646 00:53:55,525 --> 00:53:59,145 A most cordial welcome once again to "What's My Perversion?". 647 00:53:59,279 --> 00:54:01,819 Panel members, you're all looking splendid this evening. 648 00:54:01,948 --> 00:54:05,658 Pamela and Toni, so beautiful. And Regis and Robert Q, so handsome. 649 00:54:05,785 --> 00:54:09,245 And we have some very interesting guests this evening. 650 00:54:09,372 --> 00:54:12,422 I think we should get right to them this moment. So... 651 00:54:12,542 --> 00:54:15,632 First guest, will you sign in, please? 652 00:54:22,594 --> 00:54:24,014 Bernard... 653 00:54:25,346 --> 00:54:26,766 Jaffe. 654 00:54:31,686 --> 00:54:33,686 Mr Jaffe, would you sit down, sir? 655 00:54:33,813 --> 00:54:36,823 Pleasure to have you with us here on "What's My Perversion?". 656 00:54:36,941 --> 00:54:39,361 - You know the rules of our game. - Yes, I do. 657 00:54:39,486 --> 00:54:42,606 You get $5 every time the panel comes up with a "no" answer. 658 00:54:42,739 --> 00:54:44,369 To start our game going, 659 00:54:44,491 --> 00:54:47,871 would you whisper in my ear what your perversion is? 660 00:54:47,994 --> 00:54:51,624 While you do that, we will let the studio and the home audience know 661 00:54:51,748 --> 00:54:54,128 exactly what your perversion is. 662 00:54:58,797 --> 00:55:01,467 Good. All right, panel members. 663 00:55:01,591 --> 00:55:04,801 The studio and the home audience know what his perversion is. 664 00:55:04,928 --> 00:55:07,598 - We'll start with Robert Q Lewis. - Thank you, Jack. 665 00:55:07,722 --> 00:55:10,772 Mr Jaffe, is this one of those nice perversions 666 00:55:10,892 --> 00:55:13,942 that any guy might indulge in? 667 00:55:14,062 --> 00:55:18,112 Anybody can do it. I'm sure you could. It's just a matter of wanting to. 668 00:55:18,233 --> 00:55:21,033 I see. Thank you. Is this one of the perversions 669 00:55:21,152 --> 00:55:24,862 that might best be performed in the home? 670 00:55:24,989 --> 00:55:27,579 - Or could you just do it anywhere? - Not necessarily. 671 00:55:27,700 --> 00:55:30,950 I think that'll get a "no" answer and $5 to you, Mr Jaffe. 672 00:55:31,079 --> 00:55:34,419 And we turn the questioning over to Pamela Mason. Pamela? 673 00:55:34,541 --> 00:55:37,711 Is it something that is done with the hands? 674 00:55:37,836 --> 00:55:39,876 - You wanna help me on that? - Yes. 675 00:55:40,004 --> 00:55:44,224 I would think that would not necessarily have to play a part in the procedure. 676 00:55:44,342 --> 00:55:48,352 And we give you a "no" answer on that. That's $10 for you, Mr Jaffe. 677 00:55:48,471 --> 00:55:50,141 And Regis Philbin is up next. 678 00:55:50,265 --> 00:55:55,595 When you're doing your perversion, do you have any need for props? 679 00:55:55,728 --> 00:55:57,058 Props? 680 00:55:57,188 --> 00:55:59,318 You know, whips or leather boots? 681 00:55:59,440 --> 00:56:02,650 - Oh, no! - No, no. That's definitely not necessary. 682 00:56:02,777 --> 00:56:05,527 $15, Regis Philbin. And now Toni Holt. 683 00:56:05,655 --> 00:56:11,945 Mr Jaffe, would a telescope or a pair of binoculars be helpful to you at any time? 684 00:56:12,078 --> 00:56:15,208 It would have to be... pointed in the right direction. 685 00:56:16,708 --> 00:56:18,918 But I have to interject to say 686 00:56:19,043 --> 00:56:22,343 it would not be helpful to you, but rather to somebody else. 687 00:56:22,463 --> 00:56:26,763 In that respect, I think we must give you a "no" answer, Toni. Robert Q Lewis. 688 00:56:26,885 --> 00:56:29,465 Are you...? I'll take a wild guess. 689 00:56:29,596 --> 00:56:31,596 Are you a rapist? 690 00:56:32,557 --> 00:56:34,677 - Hardly. - No. No, not at all. 691 00:56:34,809 --> 00:56:37,899 $25. And... Pamela Mason. 692 00:56:38,605 --> 00:56:41,395 - I'll pass to Regis. - Is it self-contained? 693 00:56:43,109 --> 00:56:46,489 Yes, I carry it with me at all times. 694 00:56:46,613 --> 00:56:49,783 I'm gonna take a guess. I think I have it. 695 00:56:50,575 --> 00:56:52,325 Do you molest children? 696 00:56:52,452 --> 00:56:54,832 No, you're all on the wrong track. 697 00:56:54,954 --> 00:56:58,834 Would you tell them what your perversion is? You already have your $50. 698 00:56:58,958 --> 00:57:02,668 Yes. I like to expose myself on subways. 699 00:57:02,795 --> 00:57:05,505 On subways. Sorry, panel! 700 00:57:07,717 --> 00:57:10,007 And now the winner of this week's contest. 701 00:57:10,136 --> 00:57:13,506 Each week, we give you at home an opportunity to play our game. 702 00:57:13,640 --> 00:57:17,190 We ask you to write and tell us exactly what your perversion is. 703 00:57:17,310 --> 00:57:19,650 We select the most interesting letter 704 00:57:19,771 --> 00:57:24,571 and we give that contestant a chance to act out his fantasy on the programme. 705 00:57:24,692 --> 00:57:29,572 I present this week's winner. Ladies and gentlemen and members of the panel, 706 00:57:29,697 --> 00:57:34,157 here from Muncie, Indiana is our winner, Rabbi Chayim Baumel. 707 00:57:40,375 --> 00:57:43,205 Well, congratulations to you, Chayim Baumel. 708 00:57:43,336 --> 00:57:45,086 Excuse me. 709 00:57:45,213 --> 00:57:48,473 It's not "Chayim". It's not "Kayim". 710 00:57:48,591 --> 00:57:52,851 - It's pronounced "Chaim". - Chaim. Very good. 711 00:57:52,971 --> 00:57:56,311 I understand, in addition to being a very distinguished clergyman, 712 00:57:56,432 --> 00:57:59,232 you have a very fascinating fetish. 713 00:57:59,352 --> 00:58:02,772 - Yes... You mean a hang-up. - Yes. 714 00:58:02,897 --> 00:58:04,267 Yes. 715 00:58:04,399 --> 00:58:06,439 Silk stockings. 716 00:58:06,567 --> 00:58:09,197 - Silk stockings? - I love silk stockings. 717 00:58:09,320 --> 00:58:11,490 To touch 'em. To hug them... 718 00:58:11,614 --> 00:58:13,624 To... To... 719 00:58:13,741 --> 00:58:19,501 You wrote in your letter that what you'd like is to be tied up. 720 00:58:19,622 --> 00:58:23,172 For this, we need the help of one of the members of the panel. 721 00:58:23,292 --> 00:58:26,302 Someone to tie him up. Regis Philbin, would you? 722 00:58:26,421 --> 00:58:27,961 Excuse me. 723 00:58:28,965 --> 00:58:30,965 - Must be a girl. - A girl. 724 00:58:31,092 --> 00:58:33,092 All right. We certainly have two lovely girls. 725 00:58:33,219 --> 00:58:37,599 - Pamela, would you do the honours? - Love to! 726 00:58:37,724 --> 00:58:39,354 Rabbi... 727 00:58:43,312 --> 00:58:46,692 Now, Pamela is going to tie Rabbi Baumel 728 00:58:46,816 --> 00:58:50,146 according to the wishes as expressed in his letter. 729 00:58:50,278 --> 00:58:54,198 I haven't had a lot of experience, Rabbi, but I think I can manage. 730 00:58:54,323 --> 00:58:57,703 If you have any special instructions, please let me know. 731 00:58:57,827 --> 00:59:01,707 Is there any special area that you'd like to have tied? 732 00:59:01,831 --> 00:59:03,501 Not too tight. 733 00:59:03,624 --> 00:59:05,464 - There. - Good! 734 00:59:05,585 --> 00:59:08,875 And now a model from the Lucy Jones Modelling Agency 735 00:59:09,005 --> 00:59:12,925 is going to pretend that she is Rabbi Baumel's governess 736 00:59:13,051 --> 00:59:15,971 and she is going to spank the rabbi. 737 00:59:18,306 --> 00:59:20,346 You've been a naughty rabbi. 738 00:59:20,475 --> 00:59:24,145 Not so hard, I have to be in the synagogue tomorrow. 739 00:59:24,270 --> 00:59:28,520 Mrs Baumel, the rabbi's wife, who we've flown in from Indiana, 740 00:59:28,649 --> 00:59:33,069 will sit at the rabbi's feet and eat pork. 741 00:59:33,988 --> 00:59:38,118 Take that, naughty rabbi! Now, don't you do that again! 742 00:59:39,327 --> 00:59:42,577 You're bad! Naughty, naughty... 743 00:59:44,082 --> 00:59:46,132 Well, there it is, America. 744 00:59:46,250 --> 00:59:49,420 Another lucky winner gets to act out his fantasy. 745 00:59:49,545 --> 00:59:53,875 This is Jack Barry saying goodbye and good luck from myself and the panel. 746 00:59:54,008 --> 00:59:59,098 We'll see you next week on "What's My Perversion?". 747 01:00:32,797 --> 01:00:36,007 - Let me have 50ȼ worth of regular. - You bet. 748 01:00:45,893 --> 01:00:49,113 Excuse me. My car broke down about two miles down the road. 749 01:00:49,230 --> 01:00:51,520 - Could you send somebody to get it? - Sure, ma'am. 750 01:00:51,649 --> 01:00:55,489 Thank you very much. How far is Dr Bernardo's house? 751 01:00:55,611 --> 01:00:58,571 - About seven miles. - Oh, damn it. 752 01:00:58,698 --> 01:01:00,658 - Miss? - Yeah? 753 01:01:00,783 --> 01:01:03,703 - You're going to Dr Bernardo's house? - Uh-huh. 754 01:01:03,828 --> 01:01:07,498 - Would you like a lift? I'm going there. - Gee, that'd be swell. 755 01:01:07,623 --> 01:01:10,293 - Yeah? Oh, well, come on. - OK. 756 01:01:13,754 --> 01:01:15,884 Are you a friend of Dr Bernardo's? 757 01:01:16,007 --> 01:01:20,007 Not exactly. I'm gonna be working with him, helping with his experiments. 758 01:01:20,136 --> 01:01:22,636 Are you studying sexual phenomena, too? 759 01:01:22,763 --> 01:01:25,983 Yes. I was a Biology major in school. 760 01:01:26,100 --> 01:01:31,150 I'm really looking forward to working with the doctor. He's a great hero of mine. 761 01:01:31,272 --> 01:01:36,492 He was the first man to ever measure the sound waves produced by an erection. 762 01:01:36,611 --> 01:01:38,991 - Yes, I know. - Do you? 763 01:01:39,113 --> 01:01:41,453 Yes, I'm a reporter for "The Globe". 764 01:01:41,574 --> 01:01:45,834 I'm going to interview Dr Bernardo for a story in our Sunday supplement. 765 01:01:45,953 --> 01:01:47,793 - A reporter, huh? - Mm-hm. 766 01:01:47,914 --> 01:01:49,924 You know, you're kinda cute. 767 01:01:50,041 --> 01:01:53,251 Yeah, why don't you just watch the road, huh? 768 01:01:53,377 --> 01:01:56,007 - What's your name? - Helen Lacey. 769 01:01:56,130 --> 01:01:58,260 - What's yours? - Victor. 770 01:01:58,382 --> 01:02:00,432 Victor Shakapopulis. 771 01:02:56,983 --> 01:02:58,823 Is Dr Bernardo here? 772 01:03:00,027 --> 01:03:03,107 I think he wants us to come in. 773 01:03:05,574 --> 01:03:08,454 The doctor's expecting us, so... 774 01:03:13,291 --> 01:03:15,291 Look at this place! 775 01:03:15,418 --> 01:03:18,298 Yeah, it's really great. Is your decorator still living? 776 01:03:18,421 --> 01:03:20,171 It's chilly. 777 01:03:21,590 --> 01:03:25,260 So, what d'you think? Is Dr Bernardo here or what? 778 01:03:25,386 --> 01:03:28,006 I am Dr Bernardo. 779 01:03:30,641 --> 01:03:32,941 You must be Victor. 780 01:03:33,060 --> 01:03:34,770 And Miss Lacey. 781 01:03:36,522 --> 01:03:40,442 Igor, I thought I told you to keep to your room! 782 01:03:48,784 --> 01:03:50,374 Forgive him. 783 01:03:50,494 --> 01:03:52,834 He usually keeps to his room. 784 01:03:52,955 --> 01:03:56,205 You know, there's a big problem with domestics nowadays. 785 01:03:56,334 --> 01:04:00,004 Come. Shall we have dinner? 786 01:04:00,129 --> 01:04:01,509 Yeah. 787 01:04:03,007 --> 01:04:05,887 I understand you're famous for your potato pancakes. 788 01:04:06,010 --> 01:04:08,850 Dr Bernardo, you don't know how excited I am to be here. 789 01:04:08,971 --> 01:04:11,181 I've waited so long to meet you. 790 01:04:11,307 --> 01:04:14,437 I'm really looking forward to helping you with your experiments. 791 01:04:14,560 --> 01:04:16,940 I don't know if you've read my latest book, 792 01:04:17,063 --> 01:04:20,323 How To Achieve Them Without Laughing?" 793 01:04:20,441 --> 01:04:23,991 - But it's getting to be a classic. - I am familiar with it. 794 01:04:24,111 --> 01:04:28,571 It's wonderful how you men of science have finally gotten around to sex. 795 01:04:28,699 --> 01:04:31,199 The girls at "The Globe" are so pleased with your work 796 01:04:31,327 --> 01:04:33,577 on respiration during orgasm. 797 01:04:33,704 --> 01:04:36,004 A mere trifle compared to my real work. 798 01:04:36,123 --> 01:04:38,333 Doctor, I read a statement you made, 799 01:04:38,459 --> 01:04:43,129 that you felt the average length of a man's penis should be 19 inches. 800 01:04:43,255 --> 01:04:47,085 - Doesn't that seem a little long? - Long? 801 01:04:47,218 --> 01:04:50,758 My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of! 802 01:04:50,888 --> 01:04:54,388 Yes, I know. But... But 19 inches... I mean, that's... 803 01:04:54,517 --> 01:04:56,477 Does that sound mad? 804 01:04:56,602 --> 01:05:01,232 That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson's clinic. Mad! 805 01:05:01,357 --> 01:05:03,687 Because I had visions of explorations 806 01:05:03,818 --> 01:05:07,408 in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings! 807 01:05:07,530 --> 01:05:12,740 It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat! 808 01:05:12,868 --> 01:05:15,498 I was the first one to explain the connection 809 01:05:15,621 --> 01:05:19,131 between excessive masturbation and entering politics. 810 01:05:19,250 --> 01:05:24,420 It was I who first said that clitoral orgasm should not be only for women. 811 01:05:24,547 --> 01:05:27,507 They laughed at me, ridiculed me, said I was mad. 812 01:05:27,633 --> 01:05:29,643 Ha-ha! But I showed them. 813 01:05:30,219 --> 01:05:32,469 They threw me out of Masters and Johnson's. 814 01:05:32,596 --> 01:05:35,176 No severance pay. And I had it coming! 815 01:05:35,307 --> 01:05:38,477 But I showed them! Ha-ha! 816 01:05:40,980 --> 01:05:43,570 Are we having dessert? 817 01:05:43,691 --> 01:05:48,111 Oh, come. I want to show you my laboratory. 818 01:05:48,237 --> 01:05:49,567 Igor! 819 01:05:53,325 --> 01:05:55,195 Clean up this table, and hurry! 820 01:05:59,123 --> 01:06:01,173 You must forgive Igor. 821 01:06:01,292 --> 01:06:04,422 He was part of an experiment of mine that backfired. 822 01:06:04,545 --> 01:06:09,005 Using an electrical generator, I gave him a four-hour orgasm. 823 01:06:09,133 --> 01:06:12,853 He had fun, but he turned out like this. 824 01:06:12,970 --> 01:06:14,390 Well... 825 01:06:18,267 --> 01:06:20,137 Posture. Posture! 826 01:06:24,773 --> 01:06:29,113 Here it is. Here's where I'm discovering new facts about sex. 827 01:06:29,236 --> 01:06:31,906 Facts that will make me a great man one day. 828 01:06:52,760 --> 01:06:56,850 - Dr Bernardo, what is all this? - Come this way and you'll see. 829 01:07:06,065 --> 01:07:10,355 Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus. 830 01:07:10,486 --> 01:07:13,406 How often does that problem come up with a hippo? 831 01:07:14,240 --> 01:07:18,830 Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. 832 01:07:18,953 --> 01:07:20,793 They're getting on famously. 833 01:07:21,872 --> 01:07:25,082 Here, I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian 834 01:07:25,209 --> 01:07:29,669 and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company. 835 01:07:29,797 --> 01:07:32,007 But why? What good will this do anybody? 836 01:07:32,132 --> 01:07:35,472 It'll show those fools who called me mad! Come. 837 01:07:38,514 --> 01:07:41,104 - But, doctor, this is immoral! - Nonsense. 838 01:07:41,225 --> 01:07:44,305 The human mind is capable of many strange things. Look. 839 01:07:44,436 --> 01:07:47,816 Each day for the past year, I feed her nothing but silicone. 840 01:07:47,940 --> 01:07:52,320 She used to be flat-chested. Give me another year and watch out! 841 01:07:58,576 --> 01:08:00,536 You're insane. 842 01:08:00,661 --> 01:08:03,121 That's what they said at Masters and Johnson. 843 01:08:03,247 --> 01:08:06,787 And all because I built a 400ft diaphragm! 844 01:08:09,044 --> 01:08:12,724 Birth control for an entire nation at once! 845 01:08:14,550 --> 01:08:19,970 Now you! You will be the subject of my newest experiment. 846 01:08:20,097 --> 01:08:23,927 - Me? - Yes. Look here. 847 01:08:26,562 --> 01:08:28,982 In here, I have 20 Scouts. 848 01:08:29,106 --> 01:08:33,186 I want to measure your respiration when they gangbang you. 849 01:08:33,319 --> 01:08:35,029 No! 850 01:08:40,534 --> 01:08:45,294 Get away from her. Why don't you let her relax and enjoy it? 851 01:08:45,414 --> 01:08:48,044 You shoot this girl and I'll sue you for malpractice. 852 01:08:48,167 --> 01:08:49,377 Igor! 853 01:08:53,255 --> 01:08:55,505 Victor! Victor, do something! 854 01:08:55,633 --> 01:08:58,643 - Helen, keep your legs crossed. - Victor! 855 01:09:22,785 --> 01:09:24,235 Igor! 856 01:10:17,131 --> 01:10:19,131 Now we owe them a dinner! 857 01:10:22,261 --> 01:10:24,601 What's wrong, Victor? 858 01:10:24,722 --> 01:10:28,272 I think the battery's dead and we're out of gas, oil and water. 859 01:10:34,565 --> 01:10:36,975 - Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm all right. 860 01:10:38,986 --> 01:10:41,986 - What was that? - That sounded like Igor. 861 01:10:42,114 --> 01:10:43,494 Victor, look! 862 01:10:46,160 --> 01:10:47,870 Oh, my God! 863 01:10:47,995 --> 01:10:49,955 A gigantic tit! 864 01:10:52,416 --> 01:10:54,376 Oh, Victor, what are we gonna do? 865 01:10:54,501 --> 01:10:57,921 I don't know about you, but I'm going home to get my catcher's mitt. 866 01:10:58,046 --> 01:11:00,716 It looks angry. The nipple's getting erect. 867 01:11:00,841 --> 01:11:05,391 - Oh, Victor! Come on, let's go. - No! They were all boys in my family. 868 01:11:22,821 --> 01:11:25,871 - Sheriff, I wanna report an escaped tit. - A what? 869 01:11:25,991 --> 01:11:29,581 It's already killed two people, Dr Bernardo and his assistant. 870 01:11:29,703 --> 01:11:31,333 A tremendous tit. 871 01:11:31,455 --> 01:11:34,575 - Have you been drinking? - We don't have time to argue. 872 01:11:34,708 --> 01:11:37,168 While we're standing here, the countryside's being ravaged 873 01:11:37,294 --> 01:11:38,714 by a colossal boob! 874 01:11:42,633 --> 01:11:46,433 You've got the most beautiful set of breasts. 875 01:11:46,553 --> 01:11:48,603 Oh, shit! 876 01:11:48,722 --> 01:11:51,232 There's something wrong with the radio. 877 01:11:51,350 --> 01:11:54,810 Look, there's something wrong with the radio. See? 878 01:11:57,773 --> 01:11:59,783 Oh, my God! 879 01:12:00,692 --> 01:12:02,362 Jesus Christ! 880 01:12:02,486 --> 01:12:03,696 God! 881 01:12:04,613 --> 01:12:07,703 - What is it? - Relax! Just relax! 882 01:12:19,586 --> 01:12:23,416 Be on the lookout for a large, female breast. 883 01:12:23,549 --> 01:12:25,629 It's about a 4,000 with an X cup. 884 01:12:25,759 --> 01:12:28,009 About a 4,000 with an X cup. 885 01:12:29,054 --> 01:12:30,474 Let's go. 886 01:12:43,193 --> 01:12:45,033 We're too late. He's dead. 887 01:12:45,153 --> 01:12:48,033 The cream slowed him up and the milk killed him. 888 01:12:48,156 --> 01:12:52,156 We're up against a very clever tit. It shoots half and half. 889 01:12:52,286 --> 01:12:55,826 Victor, what are we gonna do to stop this fiendish tit? 890 01:12:55,956 --> 01:12:59,416 I got an idea, but I'd have to get my hands on some camouflage. 891 01:12:59,543 --> 01:13:01,593 I can get you camouflage. 892 01:13:01,712 --> 01:13:03,922 Victor, please don't do anything dangerous. 893 01:13:04,047 --> 01:13:07,337 Don't worry. I know how to handle tits. 894 01:14:16,453 --> 01:14:18,913 Victor! I'm so proud of you. You did it! 895 01:14:19,039 --> 01:14:22,289 Oh, I was so worried. Were you scared? 896 01:14:22,417 --> 01:14:26,457 - Do I look like a guy who gets scared? - I thought you'd be nursed to death. 897 01:14:26,588 --> 01:14:29,418 Everything's all secure now. You don't have to worry. 898 01:14:29,549 --> 01:14:33,719 One thing bothers me, though. That's a single. You're sure that was a single? 899 01:14:33,845 --> 01:14:36,845 - That was a single. - They usually travel in pairs. 900 01:14:36,974 --> 01:14:40,194 - No, you don't have to worry. - I've never seen one by itself. 901 01:14:40,310 --> 01:14:41,980 Two, yes. But not just one. 902 01:14:42,104 --> 01:14:46,234 So we're gonna take a nipple print, just so we'll have ID on this one. 903 01:14:46,358 --> 01:14:50,648 I think we'll put it on probation for maybe... 90 days, 904 01:14:50,779 --> 01:14:52,779 and then take it down to the orphanage. 905 01:14:52,906 --> 01:14:55,366 There's a lot of hungry babies down there. 906 01:14:55,492 --> 01:14:57,832 You both take care of yourselves now. 907 01:15:00,080 --> 01:15:02,290 You were so magnificent out there. 908 01:15:02,416 --> 01:15:04,456 I knew then that I wanted you. 909 01:15:04,584 --> 01:15:07,304 Well, I don't wanna say anything about this, Helen. 910 01:15:07,421 --> 01:15:10,471 I kinda had a personal stake in this case, you know. 911 01:15:10,590 --> 01:15:12,550 I've never told anyone this before, 912 01:15:12,676 --> 01:15:16,426 but when I was a little child, I was breast-fed from falsies. 913 01:15:16,555 --> 01:15:20,515 I've learned one thing from this whole situation, and that is: 914 01:15:20,642 --> 01:15:24,812 when it comes to sex, there are certain things that should be left unknown. 915 01:15:24,938 --> 01:15:27,398 And with my luck, they probably will be. 916 01:15:50,922 --> 01:15:52,552 Brain room. 917 01:15:52,674 --> 01:15:55,184 Come in, motor function 12. Check. 918 01:15:57,179 --> 01:15:59,309 His leg itches. 919 01:16:02,059 --> 01:16:06,349 - Scratch the left leg. - The leg has been scratched. 920 01:16:07,898 --> 01:16:09,978 There's a joke coming in on 4-1. 921 01:16:10,108 --> 01:16:13,698 - Prepare response for incoming joke. - Joke response 18.2. 922 01:16:13,820 --> 01:16:16,070 - Smile, please. - He's smiling. 923 01:16:16,198 --> 01:16:17,738 Brain to stomach. 924 01:16:17,866 --> 01:16:20,036 Stomach to brain. Over. 925 01:16:20,160 --> 01:16:21,950 - Food coming down. - What kind? 926 01:16:22,079 --> 01:16:24,959 - Fettucine. - Jesus Christ! 927 01:16:25,082 --> 01:16:29,292 - Italian food coming down! - Again? Italian food? 928 01:16:34,466 --> 01:16:36,426 Stomach proceeding with breakdown. 929 01:16:36,551 --> 01:16:41,721 This is Mission Control. Mission Control. Please stand by for systems check. 930 01:16:41,848 --> 01:16:43,598 Well, what do you think? 931 01:16:43,725 --> 01:16:45,555 No, thanks. 932 01:16:45,685 --> 01:16:48,855 - Think we'll have intercourse tonight? - I'm very optimistic. 933 01:16:48,980 --> 01:16:51,360 The date is very beautiful. Have you seen her? 934 01:16:51,483 --> 01:16:55,033 No, I haven't had a chance. It's been so damned hectic up here. 935 01:16:55,153 --> 01:16:57,573 She's lovely. You should take a look. 936 01:16:59,825 --> 01:17:03,325 - Brain to eyes. Brain to eyes. Come in. - Eyes to brain. Over. 937 01:17:03,453 --> 01:17:06,463 'Focus on the dinner date. I want to check out something.' 938 01:17:06,581 --> 01:17:08,501 - You want the whole body? - 'Yes, please.' 939 01:17:08,625 --> 01:17:10,665 Take a look. 940 01:17:13,672 --> 01:17:14,762 Hey! 941 01:17:14,881 --> 01:17:19,681 - Be a shame to lose this one. - And how! Wow! 942 01:17:19,803 --> 01:17:21,853 Any indication yet? 943 01:17:21,972 --> 01:17:25,812 Brain to ears. Brain to ears. Can you throw some voice up here? 944 01:17:27,561 --> 01:17:32,981 Yes. For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance. 945 01:17:33,108 --> 01:17:36,028 That affirmative/negative duality 946 01:17:36,153 --> 01:17:39,663 that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve. 947 01:17:39,781 --> 01:17:42,701 Don't know if we're gonna make it. Doesn't look too good. 948 01:17:42,826 --> 01:17:45,496 I'm a graduate of New York University. 949 01:17:45,620 --> 01:17:47,160 We're gonna make it. 950 01:17:47,289 --> 01:17:50,539 - I'm worried. - About a possible failure? 951 01:17:50,667 --> 01:17:52,087 - Yes. - Yeah... 952 01:17:52,210 --> 01:17:54,590 Anyone can have a fiasco now and then, 953 01:17:54,713 --> 01:17:58,473 but a few in a row can lead to a serious loss of confidence. 954 01:17:58,592 --> 01:18:01,852 You can see what it's doing to morale around here already. 955 01:18:01,970 --> 01:18:05,060 Don't worry. We're gonna bring this off. 956 01:18:05,182 --> 01:18:08,732 My place or your place? To me, it doesn't matter where we do it. 957 01:18:08,852 --> 01:18:10,812 Hey, why do you look so scared? 958 01:18:10,937 --> 01:18:14,227 Goddamn it! Who flashed the scared expression? Come on! 959 01:18:15,400 --> 01:18:17,400 - Anybody press "frightened"? - No one. 960 01:18:17,527 --> 01:18:20,737 - Must be a short circuit somewhere. - That's all we need now! 961 01:18:22,240 --> 01:18:25,160 Mission Control. Prepare for launching! 962 01:18:25,285 --> 01:18:28,575 Prepare for launching! It looks like they're gonna do it! 963 01:18:28,705 --> 01:18:32,245 'Attention, sperm! Attention, sperm! Stand by!' 964 01:18:32,709 --> 01:18:36,549 - Well, here we go again. - D'you think we'll get out this time? 965 01:18:36,671 --> 01:18:38,801 I hope it's not another false alarm. 966 01:18:38,924 --> 01:18:41,134 Been having trouble down in Engineering. 967 01:18:41,259 --> 01:18:43,429 I heard it was all mental. 968 01:18:43,553 --> 01:18:47,063 - Hey, you're on my tail. - Sorry. 969 01:18:47,182 --> 01:18:50,732 Heart factors are all balanced. We could use more adrenaline. 970 01:18:50,852 --> 01:18:53,812 This is the adrenal gland. We're pumping away here. 971 01:18:53,939 --> 01:18:56,229 Oh, my God, Sydney! Can't you wait? 972 01:18:56,358 --> 01:18:58,938 You wanna do it right here in the parking lot? 973 01:18:59,069 --> 01:19:01,359 Signal the voice to answer in the affirmative! 974 01:19:01,488 --> 01:19:04,448 All systems on the alert. We're gonna try to ball her in the car. 975 01:19:08,203 --> 01:19:10,543 Ears! Quickly! Ears! 976 01:19:10,664 --> 01:19:14,254 I've made it in cars before, but always in hardtops. 977 01:19:14,376 --> 01:19:18,166 - Prepare for launching. - Sexual organs, proceed with erection. 978 01:19:18,296 --> 01:19:21,376 - It's stuck! - Let's go, boys! 979 01:19:21,508 --> 01:19:23,638 Come on, get it up, fellas! 980 01:19:23,760 --> 01:19:26,180 Pull! All together! 981 01:19:29,766 --> 01:19:31,426 Roll out the tongue! 982 01:19:36,231 --> 01:19:38,281 Here comes the kiss! Hang on! 983 01:19:43,863 --> 01:19:45,703 Activate pleasure centre! 984 01:19:50,578 --> 01:19:53,158 Can we have an erection? What the hell's going on down there? 985 01:19:53,290 --> 01:19:55,830 I know you can do it, boys! Pull! 986 01:19:59,129 --> 01:20:02,379 Come on, fellas! What's the matter? Don't just stand there! 987 01:20:02,507 --> 01:20:04,627 What's the matter, Sydney? 988 01:20:05,510 --> 01:20:09,260 - Maintain hands on breasts. - We're having trouble with respiration. 989 01:20:09,389 --> 01:20:11,769 We're way over the limit down here. 990 01:20:11,891 --> 01:20:14,641 If you're not getting an erection, something's wrong. 991 01:20:14,769 --> 01:20:16,979 Proceed with erection. All systems go. 992 01:20:17,105 --> 01:20:21,395 Let's go, boys! All together! We gotta get it up! 993 01:20:21,526 --> 01:20:25,106 What the hell's going on down here? We need an erection. 994 01:20:25,238 --> 01:20:28,158 We need more help from the brain room. 995 01:20:28,283 --> 01:20:30,833 Maybe there's some trouble in the stomach. 996 01:20:30,952 --> 01:20:33,372 Fettucine is moving along nicely. 997 01:20:34,289 --> 01:20:37,419 A couple of injuries from the veal scallopini, though. 998 01:20:37,542 --> 01:20:40,382 I'm not laughing, Sydney, honestly. 999 01:20:41,713 --> 01:20:43,263 Now kiss me. 1000 01:20:44,132 --> 01:20:46,972 We have an erection of 45 degrees. 1001 01:20:47,093 --> 01:20:49,973 - Shall we attempt penetration? - Prepare for penetration. 1002 01:20:53,850 --> 01:20:57,900 - Well, this looks like it. - Do you know what it's like out there? 1003 01:20:58,021 --> 01:21:00,861 It's like they told us in training school. It's an ovum. 1004 01:21:00,982 --> 01:21:03,362 I'm scared. I don't wanna go. 1005 01:21:03,485 --> 01:21:06,275 This is what all this training was for. 1006 01:21:06,404 --> 01:21:08,824 Who knows what it's gonna be like out there? 1007 01:21:08,948 --> 01:21:11,118 You saw slides in class. 1008 01:21:12,369 --> 01:21:15,119 Yeah, but you hear these strange stories. 1009 01:21:15,246 --> 01:21:18,036 Like, there's this pill these women take. 1010 01:21:18,166 --> 01:21:21,746 Or sometimes the guys slam their heads up against a wall of hard rubber. 1011 01:21:21,878 --> 01:21:23,758 Oh, that's nonsense. 1012 01:21:23,880 --> 01:21:27,840 Yeah, or... what if it's a homosexual encounter? 1013 01:21:27,967 --> 01:21:30,047 This is no time to doubt our mission. 1014 01:21:30,178 --> 01:21:33,041 You took an oath when you went to sperm school. 1015 01:21:33,066 --> 01:21:35,332 To fertilise an ovum, or die trying. 1016 01:21:35,433 --> 01:21:38,023 No, I'm scared. I don't wanna go out there. 1017 01:21:38,144 --> 01:21:41,114 We're too low to attempt penetration. The men can't hold! 1018 01:21:41,231 --> 01:21:42,691 We gotta hold! 1019 01:21:42,816 --> 01:21:45,146 We need more stimulation from the pleasure centre! 1020 01:21:45,276 --> 01:21:48,406 Organ room to brain control. Re-stimulate pleasure centre. 1021 01:21:48,530 --> 01:21:51,910 - Prepare to stroke her thighs. - We're on the thighs and stroking. 1022 01:21:52,033 --> 01:21:55,913 Attention, mouth. Attention, mouth. Please blow in her ear. 1023 01:21:56,037 --> 01:21:58,707 Erection is at 45 degrees and holding fast. 1024 01:21:58,832 --> 01:22:02,382 Readjust mouth. We're missing her ear and blowing into her nose. 1025 01:22:02,502 --> 01:22:03,552 Attempt penetration. 1026 01:22:03,670 --> 01:22:05,260 Thrust! 1027 01:22:05,380 --> 01:22:08,430 It'll never work. The angle's bad. 1028 01:22:08,550 --> 01:22:11,930 Hey, we're gonna make babies! 1029 01:22:26,234 --> 01:22:28,284 This is Mission Control. Penetrate! 1030 01:22:28,403 --> 01:22:32,533 - We can't. It's no use! - Hold tight, men! We're losing it. 1031 01:22:38,246 --> 01:22:40,326 What am I doing here? 1032 01:22:40,457 --> 01:22:42,207 What am I doing here? 1033 01:22:42,333 --> 01:22:45,713 It's going down! Keep it up, boys! 1034 01:22:45,837 --> 01:22:47,587 Higher! Pull! 1035 01:22:47,714 --> 01:22:52,054 It's no use, we're losing it! Start preparing an alibi to save face. 1036 01:22:53,136 --> 01:22:56,426 We found him tampering with the machinery in the cerebral cortex. 1037 01:22:56,556 --> 01:23:00,346 - He was turning up the guilt reflex. - That's a lie. I never touched anything! 1038 01:23:00,477 --> 01:23:03,307 - It's a lie, sir. - I work in the conscience room. 1039 01:23:03,438 --> 01:23:06,768 We found the conscience tied to a chair. He'd knocked him out. 1040 01:23:06,900 --> 01:23:09,820 - Is this true? - What if it is? 1041 01:23:09,944 --> 01:23:12,204 Don't you think you should be ashamed of this? 1042 01:23:12,322 --> 01:23:15,582 Sexual relations between unmarried people? 1043 01:23:15,700 --> 01:23:17,620 To take an innocent woman 1044 01:23:17,744 --> 01:23:24,254 and assault her in a brutal, sadistic, ungodlike manner is... blasphemy! 1045 01:23:24,375 --> 01:23:26,205 Lock him up. 1046 01:23:27,128 --> 01:23:30,588 - Sabotage is over. - Blasphemy! 1047 01:23:30,715 --> 01:23:33,125 It's blasphemy! 1048 01:23:33,259 --> 01:23:35,759 Full steam ahead. 1049 01:23:38,223 --> 01:23:40,893 - Here we go again! - I'm not going out there. 1050 01:23:41,017 --> 01:23:43,137 I'm not gonna get shot outta that thing! 1051 01:23:43,269 --> 01:23:46,149 What if he's masturbating? I'll wind up on the ceiling! 1052 01:23:46,272 --> 01:23:48,942 - No! - Get a grip on yourself. 1053 01:23:49,067 --> 01:23:51,607 Fellas... Fellas, it's dark out there! 1054 01:23:53,655 --> 01:23:56,695 - Shh! Shh! - I'm due at my parents' for dinner. 1055 01:23:56,824 --> 01:23:59,084 Heave-ho! 1056 01:23:59,202 --> 01:24:01,372 Heave-ho! 1057 01:24:02,372 --> 01:24:05,382 ♪ Mine eyes have seen the glory 1058 01:24:05,500 --> 01:24:09,050 ♪ Of the coming of the Lord... 1059 01:24:15,969 --> 01:24:19,099 ♪ He hath loosed the fateful lightning 1060 01:24:19,222 --> 01:24:22,352 ♪ Of his terrible swift sword 1061 01:24:22,475 --> 01:24:27,395 ♪ 'His truth is marching on...' ♪ 1062 01:24:28,940 --> 01:24:31,110 We're inside! We're making it! 1063 01:24:33,987 --> 01:24:37,277 Memory, think of baseball players to keep sperm from premature launching. 1064 01:24:52,672 --> 01:24:55,432 Can't hold out any longer. Prepare for release of sperm. 1065 01:24:55,550 --> 01:24:57,640 Willie Mays. Joe Namath. Mickey Mantle. 1066 01:25:03,099 --> 01:25:05,809 See you guys in the ovary! 1067 01:25:05,935 --> 01:25:08,515 Save me an egg! 1068 01:25:08,646 --> 01:25:11,316 Well, at least he's Jewish. 1069 01:25:38,343 --> 01:25:40,683 Listen! Everybody! Everybody! 1070 01:25:40,803 --> 01:25:43,013 Can I have your attention? This is Mission Control. 1071 01:25:43,139 --> 01:25:47,689 I just wanna congratulate everybody on a fine job, well done. 1072 01:25:47,810 --> 01:25:51,650 I mean that in all sincerity. It was hectic, but we brought it through! 1073 01:25:53,900 --> 01:25:56,740 - Ha! Well, she was worth it. - Yes, she was. 1074 01:25:56,861 --> 01:25:58,951 I'll drink to that. 1075 01:26:01,240 --> 01:26:03,200 That was great, Sydney. 1076 01:26:06,162 --> 01:26:08,462 Let's do it one more time. 1077 01:26:08,581 --> 01:26:13,041 Hey, everybody stand by! Here we go again! 1078 01:26:16,089 --> 01:26:18,299 Attention, all hands! Attention, all hands! 1079 01:26:18,424 --> 01:26:20,054 Stand by! Stand by! 1080 01:26:20,176 --> 01:26:22,256 - Give me a fatigue reading. - 4.5. 1081 01:26:22,387 --> 01:26:26,057 Fatigue reading 4.5. Looks good. We're going for seconds! 1082 01:26:26,182 --> 01:26:29,482 Attention, gonads! We're going for record! 1083 01:26:31,479 --> 01:26:36,109 ♪ We're all alone, No chaperone can get our number 1084 01:26:36,234 --> 01:26:38,494 ♪ The world's in slumber 1085 01:26:38,611 --> 01:26:40,911 ♪ Let's misbehave! 1086 01:26:41,030 --> 01:26:43,370 ♪ There's something wild About you, child 1087 01:26:43,491 --> 01:26:45,621 ♪ That's so contagious 1088 01:26:45,743 --> 01:26:48,003 ♪ Let's be outrageous 1089 01:26:48,121 --> 01:26:50,421 ♪ Let's misbehave! 1090 01:26:50,540 --> 01:26:55,170 ♪ When Adam won Eve's hand, He wouldn't stand for teasin' 1091 01:26:55,294 --> 01:26:59,844 ♪ He didn't care about those apples Out of season 1092 01:26:59,966 --> 01:27:04,636 ♪ They say that Spring means Just one thing to little lovebirds 1093 01:27:04,762 --> 01:27:06,972 ♪ We're not above birds 1094 01:27:07,098 --> 01:27:08,848 ♪ Let's misbehave 1095 01:27:16,691 --> 01:27:18,281 ♪ Let's misbehave 1096 01:27:26,033 --> 01:27:27,543 ♪ Let's misbehave 1097 01:27:27,660 --> 01:27:32,120 ♪ If you'd be just sweet And only meet your fate, dear 1098 01:27:32,248 --> 01:27:37,208 ♪ 'Twould be the great event Of nineteen twenty-eight, dear 1099 01:27:46,637 --> 01:27:48,217 ♪ Let's misbehave 1100 01:28:06,324 --> 01:28:08,244 ♪ Let's misbehave ♪ 86613